Chapter 54

Gibbs was waiting for Tim to arrive. He didn't know what Tim had to tell him, but he was glad that he had gone home first. That showed that it wasn't going to be this major ordeal.

He hoped.

The front door opened with a token knock and he heard Tim walk to the basement door and open it.

"Hey, Boss," Tim said.

"You coming just to talk or to work?" Gibbs asked.

"Depends on how many questions you have," Tim said and sat down on a stool. "Maybe work, but talk has to come first, and this is something I can't talk about while I'm working."

Gibbs nodded and pulled out his bourbon. He poured a little in a jar and handed it to Tim who took a small sip.

"I told Director Shepard today, and I decided that you needed to know, too."

"What?" Gibbs asked, wondering how worried he should be.

"When I was still getting... better, I asked Levi for help in finding a way to stop this from happening to me again. I can't do it, Boss. Three times... I can't handle a fourth. And even if I could, I don't want to. I don't want to feel this way ever again. So I needed to get that message out. Levi helped me write a message to anyone who might consider it. I was going to wait until I was recovered, but Levi said I should do it while I was still working on it because I'd probably decide it wasn't necessary." Tim smiled bitterly. "...I think he's wrong about that, but the wording would definitely have been different if I had written it now."

Tim took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Gibbs.

"This is what I wrote."

Gibbs took it and read through it. The intensity of Tim's feelings was there, even though it was only written words. That phrase, obsolete or dead, repeated over and over. Tim meant this, but it was more extreme than Gibbs would have thought Tim could be. ...which was likely why Levi had recommended he do it while still recovering. His usual limits, his usual tact, they were missing.

"Are you sure this is what you want people to see?"

"Yes," Tim said. "I'll tell you what I told Director Shepard. I'm not dealing with this anymore. Boss, I will kill to protect myself and my family. This pushed me too far and I'm not doing it again. I'm not going to go through the agony of being broken down and trying to put myself together again. There are only so many times you can break a dish before you have to throw it away because it's beyond repair. I think I'm almost there, and I can't risk it, not again."

Gibbs raised a silent eyebrow.

"Honestly, Boss, I don't care if you don't agree with me. I don't really care if no one at NCIS agrees with me. None of them have to deal with this the way I do."

"Who's seen this?"

Tim's smile was still bitter, and Gibbs found that he hated that expression almost more than Tim's devastation before.

"Everyone who needs to, probably, by now. I sent it to a few people I knew could help me disseminate it, and I'm apparently still a hot topic of conversation so it got shared quickly. Bill certainly enjoyed the novelty of being someone with direct experience with me. He got his fifteen minutes of fame and now, he's back to his toys. I sent it to some other people I can't tell you about. I've been in those areas of the Internet a few times since I sent it around, and people are talking about it."

"Are you?"

"A little bit." Tim's smile was still humorless but it was less bitter. "Some people don't believe I am who I say I am. But that doesn't matter so much. I don't care if they don't believe me. I care that I can see what they're saying. And I can."

Gibbs sat there, looking at Tim for a long moment. He couldn't read anything beyond the bitterness and determination.

"Is this really what you want for yourself?"

Tim laughed and it was about the most painful laugh Gibbs had ever heard.

"No. No, this isn't what I want, but it's what I have, and since it is, I'm not going sit back and let them run roughshod over my life anymore. They push me, and I'm going to push back. This warning is so that, hopefully, I don't have to go that far, but I will if they push." Tim shook his head. "No, it's not what I want, but I can't change that. No one can."

"This could still ruin you, Tim."

"I know," Tim said. "But it's less likely to ruin me than another bout of someone trying to make me do something I can't do will. I love my family. I love my job. I love where I am in my life. I don't see why wanting to fight against anyone trying to take that away from me could be seen as a bad thing."

"Because you might go too far."

"What's too far, Boss?" Tim asked. "Really. What's too far in this situation? If someone tries to take me and I kill them?"

Tim saw that as a real possibility, Gibbs realized. Tim really had been pushed almost too far this time and there was still some imbalance that he was fighting against. Perhaps that was a permanent change. Gibbs really hoped not. Comparing Tim as he was right now to Tim as he had been at the beginning all those years ago was painful. ...but even comparing Tim as he was right now to how he'd been just a year ago was still painful. This Tim had been battered, almost past the point of no return.

And he still needed some time. Now was not the moment when Gibbs should be debating the situation. Instead, he would just have to keep his eye on Tim and make sure that he didn't go too far. ...whatever that might mean. For now, it was more important that Tim feel like he could still come to Gibbs if he needed to. And if he felt judged, he wouldn't. Tim feeling like he had to deal with it himself was worse than knowing Tim was willing to go so far.

"I don't know, but you shouldn't go too far. Whatever it is."

Tim set down the jar of bourbon and took a deep breath.

"Any other questions?" he asked.

"Nope."

"Maybe I will work on the box for a little while tonight. Before I go home."

He turned away from Gibbs and scooted the stool over to where the box sat. Gibbs watched as Tim got to work placing the small tiles onto the lid, continuing the painstaking process. After a few minutes, he stood and walked over. He put his hand on Tim's shoulder and squeezed it.

He didn't say a word.

He didn't need to.

He let Tim go and walked back to his own project.

"Thanks, Boss," Tim whispered.

"You're welcome," Gibbs said.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs decided not to tell anyone else about Tim's ultimatum for now. He needed time to decide how he himself felt about it, and quite frankly, Tim could be right that it was needed. It probably would dissuade people who might just have considered the idea. However, he did question whether or not it would have dissuaded the people who had taken him this time.

He also felt that Tim would get better. He would be able to work through this and get back to himself completely. He had before, and Gibbs was sure he could do it again. It just would take time.

He had to keep believing that.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Okay, Zahara, here's the list," Tim said. "Are you ready to start looking?"

"Yes," Zahara said.

Salma was down for her nap. Jonathan was sleeping for the moment. They had a few hours before they'd be going to dinner. This was the best time to make a start.

"Now, we do have to think about security, but all of these places have been vetted by the CIA and they'll be relatively easy to keep secure. They're all in good neighborhoods. So don't worry that one might be safer than another. They're all as safe as they can be."

Zahara cupped her hand on his cheek as she often did, rubbing the scars around his eye.

"Are you saying this for me or for yourself?"

"Maybe both," Tim admitted.

"I will not worry."

"Good."

They started to look. Some they rejected on the basis of location. Too far for Tim's commute. Zahara wasn't going to the dance studio regularly right now with two young children, but she didn't want to be too far from there, either. A couple looked like they'd take too much work to manage. They didn't mind some things, but they wanted to be able to move in and then work on any changes gradually, rather than trying to do everything all at once. That just wasn't practical. And rooms missing floors was not ready for them to move in.

After about an hour of hashing out the list, they had whittled it down to four choices. They had just enough time to contact the realtor (approved by the CIA) and ask to see the houses when Salma woke up and started making noise which also woke Jonathan.

There was no more discussing the houses that day.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Okay, I think we have enough space for everyone," Jimmy said. "We're going to be a little squished, though."

Breena walked over and patted him on the arm. "Don't stress out about it so much, Jimmy. We're pushing into the living room and that's fine. No one is expecting anything fancy."

"Good thing. Because it won't be." Jimmy sighed a little. "I just want Tim to have a good time. He still is too serious and I can see that he's not over it all yet."

"It's only been a few months," Breena said. "How long did it take last time?"

"Longer," Jimmy said, smiling. "But I still want it to happen faster...and so does he."

"Well, if you don't stress, then, he probably won't, either. Salma will be able to play with Victoria and I get to see Jonathan again. Tony said that he'd amaze us with his cooking."

"He'd better," Jimmy said.

"He won't disappoint us, not tonight."

As if that was a cue, there was a knock.

"Open up, Black Lung! I'm loaded!"

"You'd better mean that you're bringing food," Jimmy called back as he walked to the door. "If you're referring to being drunk, you can't come in."

"Ha! Open up!"

Jimmy opened and was surprised to see Ziva there as well.

"Oh, I didn't realize you were coming together," he said.

"Ziva is the only one who cooks better than I do...and maybe not even her," Tony said, grinning.

"Watch it, Tony," Ziva said, brushing past him. "Some of this food is very hot."

Jimmy watched them and looked at Tony with his eyebrow raised. Tony just grinned more widely, pretty much confirming what Jimmy had suddenly started to think.

"Where is the kitchen, Jimmy?" Ziva asked.

"This way, Ziva," Breena said, gesturing.

"What are we having? Italian?" Jimmy asked.

"We would have if I was the only one cooking, but Ziva said we should do something Moroccan that Zahara doesn't have to cook. I know that Tim doesn't cook a whole lot, and they don't always have the time for a full Moroccan meal."

"That's great," Breena said. "Zahara made beef tagine for us once, but that's all I've ever had and if I didn't have to cook it, even better."

"And I didn't, either, so we won't poison anyone," Jimmy said.

"Ha. I know you cook just fine," Ziva said.

They started getting everything ready, the table set and Ziva got the traditional mint tea prepared. She also showed Jimmy what to do since he was the host. He protested, given that he was simply providing the space, but she insisted that Zahara would appreciate it and Tim would appreciate it because Zahara would. Abby was a little late, but she had been on the search for khobz, a traditional Moroccan bread that Ziva had wanted to eat with the meal. She declared herself successful and they got the bread placed in a serving basket.

Then, just when they were ready, the door knocked once more. Jimmy hurried over and opened the door.

"Tori!" Salma shouted as soon as the door was open.

"Salma," Zahara said, although she was smiling. "Hello, Jimmy. I hope you won't be regretting inviting us over."

"Never," Jimmy said and stood aside to let them in.

Salma ran ahead and Victoria ran over to meet her. They started jabbering at each other and Victoria dragged Salma to the table to show where they'd be sitting.

"Wow, am I smelling Morocco?" Tim asked.

Ziva came in and greeted Zahara with a kiss on both cheeks.

"I didn't make it," Jimmy said. "I just provided the house. Ziva and Tony did the cooking."

"It smells great," Tim said.

"Kefta Mkaouara," Ziva said.

"Oh, I do not make that very often," Zahara said. "I'm excited to taste it."

They all sat down and then, Jimmy awkwardly took on the hosting duties by preparing the mint tea. Tim let out a good-natured groan and Zahara laughed.

"Thank you, Jimmy," she said. "I don't always get to have the mint tea because Tim doesn't like it."

"You don't?" Jimmy asked, in surprise.

"I don't hate it," Tim said, "and I told you that you could have it anytime you want. I'm just not drinking it every day."

"It's fine, Jimmy," Tony said. "Get on with it."

Jimmy served the tea and then, at Ziva's instruction, left the tea steeping.

They started out with zaalouk, a roasted eggplant dish. Then, they passed around the kefta, talking easily with each other. The second cup of mint tea was passed around as well. About halfway through, Salma and Victoria were bored so Jimmy gave them permission to go and play with Victoria's toys in her bedroom. Jonathan was sleeping in Zahara's arms as she ate. Tim took him partway through so that she could be a little more free. Then, it was time for dessert so they called the girls back in.

"All right," Tony said, "This was Ziva's idea. I would have gone with ice cream or cookies or something, but she wanted it to be special."

Ziva rolled her eyes as she stood up from the table to go into the kitchen and assemble the dessert.

"Have some tea while we get it ready," she said. Then, they disappeared into the kitchen together.

"Can I hold Jonathan?" Abby asked.

"Sure," Tim said and carefully handed him over.

"Oh, he's so cute," Abby cooed. "Look at those little pouty lips."

"Pouty?" Tim repeated. "He's not pouty."

"They're just like your pouty lips, Tim," Abby said, looking up and grinning mischievously.

Jimmy was surprised to see Tim blush a bright red. Of all the things that could make Tim embarrassed, after all that had happened to him, he was surprised that it was a comment by Abby. Still, Tim acting so normally was still rare enough that he didn't comment on it, not wanting to make Tim even more self-conscious.

Instead, since Tony and Ziva were out of the room, Jimmy leaned forward and lowered his voice.

"Are they dating?" he asked.

Tim smiled. "Yeah."

"You know?"

"Yeah. Tony told me last week."

"Why didn't they tell me?" Abby asked indignantly.

Tim raised an eyebrow. "They're trying to avoid being gossip."

"Well, they're not succeeding," Jimmy said.

"Not with Abby knowing now," Breena said with a smile.

Tim laughed. "Maybe they're going to give up on it."

"Maybe."

"No whispering while we're working!" Tony called out from the kitchen.

"Then, hurry up!" Abby said. "You're giving us too much time to talk."

Tony and Ziva came out with something Tim had never seen.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Ktefa," Zahara said, in awe. "It's beautiful. I have not had this in many years. It was too... fancy when I was living alone."

"So what is it?" Jimmy asked, echoing Tim.

"It is thin layered pastry with ground almonds and a custard creme between each layer," Ziva said. "I made smaller ones for Victoria and Salma."

The two girls clapped excitedly.

The adults got six layers. The girls got three. And they all dug in eagerly. Abby handed Jonathan back to Tim so she could eat more easily. It was a little awkward, but Tim managed until someone else finished (Breena) and she took Jonathan so that Tim could finish eating himself.

"What is that flavor?" Breena asked. "It's almost like oranges, but different."

"Orange blossom water," Tony said. "You use too much...or spill it, and it's like old lady perfume."

"Speaking from personal experience?" Tim asked.

"Maybe."

"Tony showered before we came," Ziva said with a grin.

"I just wanted to be clean," Tony said.

"Uh-huh," Tim said, doubtfully. "Oh, by the way, Zahara and I are finally going to look at some houses. When we choose one, we could use some help with moving."

"Of course," Ziva said, beating everyone else to the punch. "We would not leave you to do that yourselves."

"Absolutely not," Jimmy said. "Do you know where it'll be?"

"Still close by. Not too far away from Silver Spring," Tim said. "We like where we are, generally, it's just getting too small for us."

"Is it going to be a house or still an apartment?" Breena asked.

"House," Tim said. Then, he hesitated for a moment and looked at Zahara who just nodded. "The CIA vetted the houses for us, and please, don't start bad-mouthing them again. They've done too much for me to sit back and take it...and I've really enjoyed myself tonight."

Jimmy looked at Tony who avoided his gaze. Abby looked like she was biting her tongue, but no one said anything about it. There was an awkward pause.

"And no matter what else, we're going to put a sandbox in the backyard for Salma," Tim added.

Everyone relaxed.

"We'll all help...as long as you aren't moving in the middle of the week," Tony said, finally.

"Thank you," Zahara said, happily. "We will need the help...and I will feed you all."

"Then, we'll definitely help," Tony said.

Everyone laughed and finished off their dessert and the now-strong mint tea. Then, they started cleaning up. Jimmy and Breena got the leftovers since they had given up their house for it. As things wound up, Tim suddenly paused and everyone got quiet.

"Guys, I just wanted to say thanks," he said. "I know I've been really hard to deal with the last few months. I've been unpleasant to say the least, but I really needed you all and I'm so glad that I don't have to go through it alone, and that you didn't leave Zahara to go through it alone. We had my parents, but we needed all the help we could get."

Ziva walked over to Tim and hugged him tightly, followed by Abby who also hugged Zahara.

Then, it was time to go home. Tim walked over to Jimmy.

"Thanks for the dinner. I know you didn't make it, but giving up your home for it matters, and I really didn't want to go out on the town. Not yet. I'm still working on it."

"No problem," Jimmy said. Then, he smiled. "And we got the leftovers."

Tim chuckled. "I would have fought for them, but Zahara can make this stuff for me at home."

"Lucky you. ...but are you okay?"

"Better every day," Tim said. "Not perfect, by any means, but I'm getting better. Thanks."

Then, Tim picked up a drooping Salma. Zahara took Jonathan from Breena and they said their hushed good-byes.

Abby and Ziva left together, and then, Tony was heading out.

"That was a good night, Jimmy," Tony said. "We can put that on the success side."

Jimmy smiled. "Thanks for helping clean up...and cooking."

"Eh, Ziva did most of it. Next time we cook for people, I'm going to force her to accept Italian."

Then, he left and the house was quiet again (because Victoria had given in to her exhaustion). That had been good. Not perfect, but good...and Tim was doing a lot better. Then, Breena came up behind him and put her arms around him.

"You did a great job, Jimmy," she said. "Now, do you want to go and work on giving Victoria a sibling? Holding Jonathan got me thinking."

Jimmy turned around and smiled. "We don't have to rush."

"Never said we did. Come on. Time for bed."

"Yes, dear."

Breena slugged him on the arm.

"Don't start that."

Then, they turned out the lights and went to bed.