Hell On Tracks
Part 27

The package was what I assumed to be pretty standard. It had a big ziploc bag of dried apple rings, some gum, biscotti, teabags, and a few other assorted snacks. Of marginally more importance to me were the mangas that Auntie Nat had sent, and at the top of my list were a bunch of photo prints from friends and family.

There was one of Sasha playing baseball, with Dad in the background doing coachly things. Another from Marie, who had taken a selfie with a 3d printer at school. I couldn't tell what she was printing, but it was sure to be something cool. One of Mom and Sophie baking, with Sophie absolutely covered in flour. Mom was laughing, and I couldn't blame her. I cycled through a few more great photos before I found one that really caught my eye.

Rach had managed to get a photo taken of herself next to one of the tanks we had always wanted to see in person. Snake River University had somehow gotten themselves a T29 heavy tank, and Rach was leaning against its monstrous turret. There was even a note on the back of the photo. 'Finally found a turret that doesn't bite when I try to get in or out! - Rach'

I bypassed jealousy and went straight to outrage. How could she? We had agreed to go on college tours together, and examine the various Tankery teams. And she went without me, and got to see one of the coolest heavy tanks of the WW2 era! I would trade all of Saunders' Sherman arsenal for that one heavy tank, and it would all be worth it!

No. This was wrong.

I took a deep breath, and slowly released it. Rach is my best friend, I shouldn't be getting angry at her. Yeah, we had agreed to try and do college tours together and see the various college Tankery teams, but that was before I signed up for the foreign exchange program. It made sense that she was going to go looking at the in-state colleges and figure out where she wanted to go.

God, I hated my mind some days. It was okay to be jealous of my best friend doing something cool, but anger and rage? That wasn't cool.

My hands were shaking as I set the photo down. I needed to talk to someone. My parents would probably try to bring me home and be protective. Anyone in the family would eventually let them know, and then I'd get pulled home and subjected to concerned parents.

A smiling face looked up at me from the photo on my desk. Years ago, Rach and I had made an agreement that we would always be able to talk to each other about issues, back when my panic attacks were particularly bad. The Comrade Log agreement, because we would always be there to help with unditching.

I drew in another deep breath and let it go slowly. Then, I pulled out my cellphone and dialed Rach's number. The phone dialed once, twice, and then Rach picked up.

"Hey, this is Rachel."

"Hi Rach. It's Tally."

"Tally!" Rach half shouted. I held the cellphone well away from my ear, and she descended into a short burst of excited squealing. It would have been indecipherable if not for years of practice deciphering it. "Ohmygosh, Tally! It's been so long since we've talked! Why haven't you called or texted since going to Japan? Doesn't matter, you were probably busy. I got to go tour some colleges recently, and Snake River had a T29! It was awesome! Haha, tanks! How are you doing?"

"I'm not doing all that well." I said softly. "Can you go find Comrade Log for me?"

I could almost hear Rach grinding to a halt. There was a good moment of silence before she spoke. "Yeah, sure. I think it's in my room. Lemme go find it." After a bit of walking, Rach spoke up again. This time, she was much quieter, and more restrained. "What's up Tally?"

"Tankery isn't working out…" I said sadly.

"I thought you loved Tankery. What happened?"

"I've had two panic attacks in as many matches. They were only a couple of days apart, too."

"Oh…" Rach intoned. "Can you give me details?"

I nodded, then immediately felt like a dummy and explained about my two panic attacks. The first one, where I was asked to come up with a plan as soon as things started going wrong in our match, and the second with the TK incident and Kay's interrogation.

"That's quite the pickle you're in…" Rach mused, after I finished my explanation. "I've got two thoughts for you."

"What are they?" I asked. I was already feeling better, just being able to talk about my issues with Rach, but any ideas that helped were always, you know, helpful.

"One, talk with Kay. Let her know about your issues, and your panic attacks. Tell your teacher, too. If they know what they are and what causes them, they'll have an easier time working around your issues and supporting you. Two, get yourself a new tank crew. They sound like a bunch of no-good butts, and I think you're hurting yourself more than you know by being with them." Rach said.

"That's it?" I asked, almost disappointed by how simple her advice was.

"Yeah. If those don't work out, talk to me. If you keep having attacks, call me. I'm gonna worry about you, Tally."

"Thanks, Rach."

"No problem! Now, how's school in Japan going besides tanks and buttheads causing panic attacks?"

I smiled, and dove right in to talking about life. I was feeling better, just having been able to talk about things. Calling Rach was the right move, I think.

Rach and I talked about various things for what felt like a good hour. She described her recent college tours and how the various sports teams were doing, while I talked about how different Saunders was to back home, and how weird some of the Japanisms and American stereotypes on display were. How the Tankery team were all so fit despite consuming so much fast food, I would never quite understand, even with all of the exercise we got.

By the time Rach had to go, I felt like a proper human being again. While I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to Kay or the other Tankery leadership members, I felt well enough to tackle everyday problems like washing my clothes or doing homework. Maybe sending a message to the Chieftain letting him know that I'd like to meet with him tomorrow at his on-campus office.

First things first, food. The snacks I had gotten were nice, but I hadn't eaten proper food since before yesterday's match, and I was starving. There was a cafeteria not too far from my dorm that had really good sandwiches for a low price, or so I'd heard, and it was as good a time as any to check it out.

It took me all of five minutes to pull on some non-pajama clothes and pull my hair into a loose ponytail, and then I was off. The cafeteria was wide open, with a few vendors lining the edges, and a large sandwich bar in the middle. The place was also packed, and the line to the sandwich bar was pretty darned long. Moving quickly, but still long.

I slipped into line for the sandwich bar, scanning the crowd for anyone I recognized. Arisa was having lunch and chatting with a few other Tankery members, at least one of whom I recognized as being in her crew. There were a few non-Tankery classmates scattered around the area, but I only really knew them through classes, and even then not very well. And then my eyes were drawn to an opening in the crowd. One table with only two people, and everyone was avoiding them.

Jane was at that table, and everyone seemed to be avoiding her like the plague. Well, everyone but the one girl who was sitting with her. Sure, Jane was more than a little weird, but that didn't mean everyone should shun her. I'd have to go say hi after I got my food.

A few minutes later, I had my turkey sandwich in hand and meandered my way over to Jane. "This seat open?"

Jane looked up from her lunch, and smiled. "That one is, but if you scoot a little to your left, you'll be fine."

I took her advice and set my lunch tray down. "Who's sitting there?"

"That's where Saunders-Chan is sitting!"

"Saunders-Chan?" I asked, disbelieving. "Like, the school?"

"Yeah! She's really nice. A lot nicer than some of the other schools."

"Ooooookay then." I drew out the word, trying very hard to not roll my eyes or talk down at her.

Jane laughed off my disbelief, before pointing to something out the window. "Oh, April! Look at that Baka-sized murr! It's sho cute!"

Her friend turned and looked out the window. There was a small cat chasing a butterfly, which while cute, wasn't exactly worth making my brain break with those words.

"I understood most of those words individually, but your formed a sentence that made zero sense. In Japanese or in English." I deadpanned.

"It's a murr. An itty bitty little Baka-sized murr. Just look how adorable it is, chasing after that butterfly." The now-named April said, as if that explained everything. Which it didn't. At all.

"It's okay, Tally. You'll either get used to it, or leave me alone like everyone else. Either one is perfectly fine." Jane said softly.

"Hey, no. You're weird, but you're nice. There's nothing wrong about being weird." I said quickly, waving her off. "You would not believe how many weird looks I got back home for being a massive tank nerd. And that's not even counting my friends who are even weirder."

"Thank you!" Jane said with a huge smile.