A/N: I'm back again! Quarantine has given me some time to start writing again, so I've got a few more chapters in rough-draft form that I'll hopefully be posting soon. I actually have a much lighter course load this semester (or so it seems at the moment) so I'm really hoping I'll get to a more stable update schedule. If you guys want more updates about my current endeavors or you just want to talk to me outside of FFN, please don't hesitate to contact me via Tumblr or Discord, which are both listed in my profile. Enjoy the chapter!

Even though I'd been awake since four, morning came way too fast. I expected to feel some sort of acceptance as the sun rose into the sky - some kind of apathy that would settle in and put an end to my anxiety. But that never came. In fact, the lighter the hue of the sky became, the darker a feeling I seemed to get. By the time my alarm went off, my chest was tight and my stomach felt twisted.

It was like I was missing something. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what.

Breakfast was quiet. There was none of the usual banter from Grantz, Koenig, or other members of the battalion. Tanya didn't say anything to me either, besides the initial "good morning." In fact, everyone in the mess hall seemed pensive. I looked over my shoulder and spotted Eric at a table across the room. He was barely touching his food.

That reminded me that I needed to eat if I wanted to have a clear head, so I forced as much K-brot into my mouth as I could stand. It was one of the more disgusting of the mess hall foods, but at least there was plenty of it to go around.

When Tanya was done eating, she began to explain our plans for departure. "We've got a big day ahead of us. This battle could change everything - but don't look at it as an opportunity to make mistakes. Think of it like a test. One we've spent all of our time preparing for. Who could possibly be more prepared for this than we are?"

That cracked a few smiles. She was right, after all. We'd been through thick and thin. I still felt uneasy, but I smiled too.

"I bet those Republicans haven't gone through the kind of training we have," Grantz said.

There were mumbles and snickers about their terrible interrogation training, which I thankfully hadn't been there for.

"I bet no one we fight today will have dodged a lightning strike while being twice wounded," I added, looking at Tanya.

"And I bet no one else has survived a knife to the trachea while flying a plane," Tanya fired back.

My hand subconsciously covered my neck. "You're probably right."

"Now," Tanya snapped back to business. "Here is how it's going to work today. We'll leave the base in waves. The 203rd - we're the first wave. Afterward, we'll be followed by the 101st and the 145th mage battalions. Bringing up the rear will be the three aircraft squadrons. We'll be the first on the scene, the very front of the line. So we need to be coordinated and hit them with all we've got. Takeoff's in…" she looked up at a clock on the wall a few yards away. "47 minutes. I recommend we finish up and head out to check our equipment."

-XXX-

With our morale boosted, we got dressed into our flight suits and set off toward the runway.

I wasn't used to seeing so many lines of pilots standing by their planes. I felt a strange sense of excitement and solidarity to walk down the line toward my own. My plane was near the end of the runway, where many mages were congregating for takeoff.

Tanya looked over her shoulder at me as we walked. "How do you feel, Meyer?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. "Good overall, but to tell you the truth, Major...something isn't sitting right with-"

"Lieutenant Meyer!" I looked in the direction of the voice, and saw two men come into view from behind a row of planes. They were standing next to mine, looking frantic.

My stomach sank.

I saw Tanya's fist tighten around the strap of her rifle. "Men, stay here," she said to the battalion. "Meyer, follow." We hurried over and Tanya looked them up and down. "What's the problem here?"

They each gave her a stiff salute. "Good morning, ma'am," one mumbled. "We saw that there looked to be some minor wheel damage to Lieutenant Meyer's plane, so we thought we'd do her a favor and-"

"Spit it out," Tanya said, her tone darkening instantly.

"I'll show you." The two men led us around to the other side of the plane. There, a large metal panel had been opened, and there was a third man looking into the abyss of machinery, holding a wrench in one hand.

"I hope you're not about to tell me…" Tanya slowly turned to look at me, and I wished I could melt through the cracks in the pavement - "...that Meyer has already damaged the plane that she's been in ownership of for less than twenty four hours."

Her rifle shifted on her shoulder, and I took a quick step back without thinking. Her eyes widened slightly at the gesture, but then she turned back to look at the men in front of us.

"I'm 'fraid it's definitely damaged," the man with the wrench sighed. "Not only's the landing gear less sturdy than it should be, but some a' the internal struts don't look right. I don't think this thing's safe to fly."

I ran my fingers through my hair, beginning to panic. "I-I came in way too hot yesterday. Y'know, landing. And it hit the ground really hard. It looked fine at the time, but-"

"No, no, lieutenant," the man shook his head, swinging the wrench from his index finger. "Don't blame yourself too much. These new dreideckers are s'posed to be the sturdiest shit on the market. If you ask me, I think the inside may've been busted before you got your hands on it."

"That's impossible. It was new," Tanya seethed.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know what ta' tell ya, Major. I've never seen a plane this nice take so much damage from a shaky landin'."

Tanya looked like she was about to argue, but something made her close her mouth. She looked at the plane, then at me, then back at the man with the wrench.

"...Alright. I'll just have to adjust some plans." She led me away from the plane without a word.

"Thank you for the help," I mumbled over my shoulder to the three men. I felt crushed.

Tanya stopped walking before we reached the battalion, then turned to me. "I've decided what to do."

"You have a plan? What is it?"

"You won't be coming with us."

"What - no, of course I'm coming, I'm the battalion's only medic-"

"We have plenty of medics now. We'll get somebody else to leave with our wave."

"No!" I shook my head. "You can't just leave me here. It's my duty to fight too. Just give me a chance to find a different plane."

"We leave in twenty minutes! We can't waste time scrambling around."

Suddenly, I was hit with an idea. "I really think I could find somebody to lend me their plane. I have someone specific in mind."

She took a deep breath. "If you can come back in five minutes with a plane, you can come with us. But if you can't, that's it. We're not getting off schedule."

-XXX-

I found him with First Lieutenant Krüger.

Eric was fastening a pair of goggles on his face, listening to a few last-minute instructions from his superior. I sprinted over, and the whole squadron paused to look at me as I got close.

"Oh, Second Lieutenant Meyer," Krüger smiled at me. "Is everything alright?"

I gave him a quick salute. "I'm afraid not, sir. My plane is damaged. Under Major Degurechaff's orders, I'm to ask if I could borrow one of your squadron's planes for the battle."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Well, that's terrible, but..." He sighed, contemplating what to do. "You're free to ask them, if you like. Someone might volunteer for you, but I can't make any promises."

Eric raised his goggles back up on his forehead. Our gazes locked, and I could see the confliction in his eyes. Come on, Eric, I thought, This is your chance to get out.

I walked over to him. "Eric-"

"Lillia, no. I'm sorry."

"I thought you were having doubts about our chances in this battle. This is an opportunity for you to get out, if you want to take it-"

He shook his head. "I thought a lot about what you said last night. I need to keep my honor. I need everyone to know that no matter what, I wasn't afraid to try. So I can't give you my plane - I hope you understand."

I bit my lip, but nodded. "I do. It's alright. Thank you for being honest with me."

"Hey, it'll be okay," he said, giving me a reassuring smile. "Keep asking around. And even if you don't get a plane-"

"I need to get a plane. I can't bear to sit and watch while everyone else fights."

"Okay. Well, you'll find a plane, Lillia. Don't give up, okay?"

"I won't. Thanks, Eric."

I was explaining my case to a few other members of Krüger's squadron when I heard Tanya's voice call out to me.

"Meyer! What's the holdup?" She was approaching with Viktoriya at her side. They had all of their flight equipment on, ready to go.

"I'm having some trouble finding a plane, but I've still got two more squadrons I can ask-"

"It didn't work out with the person you had in mind?" Tanya crossed her arms over her chest.

I shook my head.

"Look, I'm sorry. But you have to stay here."

"I'm not gonna be of any use if I do that," I said quietly. "I don't want to be deadweight."

"You won't be. You can stay here and treat any injured soldiers that come back before the end of the battle. They'll need a good surgeon like you."

I nodded slowly, unsure how else to respond.

"Serebryakov, head back to the battalion. I'm going to walk Meyer back to the base entrance."

Viktoriya gave a salute. "Yes ma'am. And Meyer, I'm so sorry." She turned and went.

I felt like such a waste of space in that moment. It seemed like every time I had a chance to shine, I blew it somehow.

"What are you thinking?" Tanya asked. The question wasn't mean as a ridicule, it was honest. Her voice had softened now that it was just us.

"I feel like I've failed," I said. "I'm never going to be of any use to anybody, am I?"

She sighed. "Please don't get too melodramatic right now. I don't have long enough to talk to you."

"Well just answer me this, then. What if you don't come back from the battle today, and I know for the rest of my life that I wasn't there to save you?"

Tanya thought about that for a second. "I'd prefer that to both of us dying."

"But that's the problem," I said, voice cracking, feeling my lack of sleep begin to get the best of me. "I saved your life once, Tanya. And yet, neither of us seem to believe that I'm actually..."

I stopped myself. It was no time to cry, and I figured I might if I kept going.

We reached the edge of the runway closest to the base. Tanya put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Listen to me, Lillia. That day when it thunderstormed and I was shot twice, you saved me. You were able to tell the lightning was coming, and you jumped out of a moving plane just before it was struck. You parachuted us to safety and then performed surgery on me when we touched down. I will always see you as competent because of that. Hey, look at me."

I didn't even realize I'd begun to look at the ground. When my eyes met hers, I saw how serious she was.

"You've always pulled your weight in the past. This plane thing today - I don't know why it happened. Maybe it was your fault, maybe it wasn't. But it happened. Neither of us can change that, and if you keep going around distracting people from getting ready, it won't be better for anyone. We can't get off schedule because we have to do this right, but the battalion will be weaker without you. It sucks that you won't be there with us, because you're not deadweight. You're not."

"Are you telling the truth?" I didn't even know why I was asking. Her eyes reflected true, rare genuinity. I just needed to hear it one more time to believe it.

"You've never been deadweight, Lillia. Even in training, when we fought and...you remember what happened. Well, that wasn't all bad. It kept me on my toes as a leader." She pointed to the massive building beside us. "You may be in there today instead of on the battlefield, but you're still not going to be deadweight. Anyone who comes in those doors with an injury is going to be damn glad you're there to help." She gave my shoulder another squeeze.

I took a breath, relieved that she thought highly of me, deciding that I would at least try to believe in her praises. "Thank you, Tanya."

-XXX-

When Major Degurechaff's 203rd Aerial Mage Battalion took off into the sky, my plane didn't take off with them. I saluted, watching them go, reminding myself of what Tanya had said. Maybe I wasn't a part of the battalion today, but I still wasn't useless.

It wasn't until they were far over the horizon that the next mage battalion began their liftoff procedures. I was watching their flight equipment glow to life when I heard a familiar voice calling to me.

"Lillia!"

I looked to my right and saw Eric sprinting down the runway. Next to him was a man I didn't recognize.

When Eric reached me, he began to explain. "Word's gotten around that Major Degurechaff's medic needs a plane. You're in luck - Corporal Addams here will give you his."

I looked at Addams - a man with short-cropped blond hair and a tired look on his face. "I've been suffering from a lot of insomnia lately," he said. "I haven't been feeling right the past few days. I hate to sit it out, but you could probably do more good for the war than I could."

"I know your battalion already left…" Eric said solemnly. "Would Major Degurechaff allow you to catch up with them? You could leave with us."

I studied Eric's caring expression for a second, then thought back to what Tanya had said to me. I looked down the runway toward the mages that were next in line. They were beginning to hover into the air, higher and higher, forming the same V-shape that the 203rd always did. Then, just like that, they were shooting for the horizon. One more wave of mages, and the planes would begin takeoff.

I had a decision to make, and I had to make it quick.