Chapter 32: Their Grief

I awoke to the sound of Lisa growling.

"What is it?" I murmured. Lisa ignored me. I opened my eyes and looked over at her. Lisa's fur was all puffed out and her ears were pulled back. All her attention was directed at the woods behind the house.

I squinted at the trees, straining to see what had startled her.

There was a flash of white fur and suddenly Dhiren emerged from behind a patch of trees.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Surely, I had to be mistaken. Dhiren was at the circus. It was Friday night, by now the circus had probably moved on to Washington State. There was no way Dhiren could be here.

But, somehow, he was.

Dhiren saw me and approached the cage. Lisa ran to the back of the cage but I was rooted to my spot. I didn't move a muscle as Dhiren stopped outside the cage door.

I waited for him to bat at the cage like he usually did with the enclosure fencing. Instead one of his paws seized the bottom of the cage and then he lifted the large steel structure like it was made out of paper. That's when I realized I must still be dreaming.

There was no other explanation.

Dhiren crawled under the cage with one paw holding it above him. Once he was inside, he eased the cage back onto the ground.

I was speechless as the tiger came towards me. Dhiren was here. I had not seen him all week and now he was here in front of me.

The tiger leaned forward and nuzzled my face. His whiskers tickled me and I laughed despite my shock. He chuffed loudly and I felt the rumble travel through my entire body. Something broke and I wrapped my arms around the tiger.

"I missed you."

Dhiren wrapped a paw around me and hugged me back. For a moment we just held each other.

Then he stepped away a bit so he could look straight into my eyes. I knew that intense look. I was not surprised when the world around us began to slip away. I closed my eyes. After a week of nightmares, I welcomed the familiar dream.

When I opened my eyes, I was sitting on the trail that lay between the palace and the jungle. A young man sat in front of me. He was so much more than I remembered. Clad in white, he was tall and handsome with dark curly hair and tan skin. His blue eyes were the same though, dark and otherworldly.

Dhiren.

"Kelsey," he said. "It is so good to see you." He took my hand. "I was worried when you did not return. I thought something might have happened to you."

I stared at him, still trying to process things. This place was more real than usual. I could feel the dirt underneath me and the warmth of Dhiren's hand. I could see the earnest look in his eyes. I could even smell the jungle behind him and yet it was all a dream. The sky above us was a hazy yellow. There was a palace behind me and then there was Dhiren. He looked like a man here, but of course, I knew he was just a tiger.

"Kelsey?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just a little overwhelmed by all this." Last time, I had been a lot less lucid. A human Dhiren had been just another part of the dream. I had accepted it before. Now…

Well, it didn't matter exactly. I was here in this dream within a dream. And Dhiren was looking at me. Worry was written all over his face. I tried to focus.

"A lot has happened," I told him and a lot was happening right now, "but I'm fine."

"Truly?" His eyes lit up. "Then I am glad." The words were unnecessary. He looked so relieved. It was almost funny.

I smiled. Even as a man, he was so easy to read, so familiar, but my smile didn't last long. A lot had happened. I sighed.

"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked. His head leaned to the side slightly.

My Dhiren. I smiled again. "I think I would." Dream or not. Wasn't this exactly what I had wanted? To have someone to talk to? And now Dhiren was here ready to listen just like old times. I opened my mouth. "Dhiren, I don't know what to do."

And so, I told him all that had happened. I was hesitant at the start. Dhiren wasn't a tiger and I was afraid now that he could talk, he would say I was being selfish or naïve or paranoid or something. But he did not say anything like that. He was still the great listener that I remembered.

I explained everything to him. Dhiren was mostly quiet as emotions played on his face. Sometimes he'd squeeze my hand, but he didn't interrupt. He didn't say anything unless I asked him to. After so many stressful weeks, it was nice for someone to actually listen to me.

In the end, he said, "So, now you're waiting for Sarah's return and to do more schooling?"

I nodded and waited for him to say more.

He frowned. "Did you consider my offer?"

I blinked. His offer? "You mean that big cat circus?"

He nodded.

My mouth twisted into a smile. Of course, he didn't have a realistic solution. This was just a dream. I had almost forgotten. "No, I haven't thought about it," I said in a tone that I hoped conveyed that I didn't want to talk about it.

"I know you're skeptical," he said, "but still, please consider it now."

He looked so earnest. I knew I had to respond. "Dhiren," I began, "Even if your circus was real," which it wasn't, "I couldn't go there. There's no way they would let me in. You can't just stroll into a circus. I only got into Circus Maurizio because I was related to one of the founders. It normally takes years to convince a circus to take a newbie animal trainer like me."

"What if you could convince my circus?" he asked.

I frowned. "Even still, I told you, Lisa is hurt. I'm not sure she'll ever be the same."

"What if she did get better?"

I gave him a look. He was being very persistent.

"I just want to know," he insisted. "It's important."

"Fine," I huffed, "Even if all that was true, I..." I sighed.

Dhiren watched me carefully.

"It wouldn't be right for me to go to a place like that," I admitted.

There was a pause and he asked, "Because it wouldn't be home?"

I swallowed and nodded. "I don't have a home. I thought I did, but I don't. It died with my parents years ago."

He nodded. "I understand. I lost my home and my parents as well. I miss them."

I wanted to push aside his condolences, but I could see the grief in his eyes. It was so real and raw. This time, I squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry," I said.

He shook his head. "It's alright. It was a long time ago."

"That doesn't stop the pain," I told him. "Sometimes I wonder about what my parents would say if they saw me now and it hurts not knowing." My throat was raw. "Everyone says time is supposed to fix that, but it doesn't." I stared down at our hands and blinked hard.

Dhiren leaned forward and embraced me. The movement surprised me, but it felt right. There was something freeing about not having to look into his face right now. "It's not fair," I said. "None of it is fair."

"I know," he whispered.

"It's been 6 years but I'm still not over it. A part of me used to think that nothing had changed. Like one day they were going to call and I was going to go back to the circus and they would be there. And now…it feels like they are gone all over again. I don't know what to do. I thought going back to the circus would make things better, but it didn't. It's worse. I know they're not coming back, but I need them. Dhiren, I'm so tired of being alone."

Dhiren hugged me tighter. "I know," he said, rubbing my back. "I know."

My shoulders shook and I began to cry. I had held my tears back all week and it felt like these tears had been waiting to fall for 6 years.

I had tried to be strong, positive, and active, like usual. Like I had been before the circus, before Lisa had almost died, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend things were fine.

I cried for what seemed like hours into Dhiren's shoulder. He kept rubbing my back and speaking in another language.

I should have been embarrassed about falling apart like this. I had worked so hard to move past my parents' deaths. I had failed. Dhiren was seeing me fail, but it actually felt good to be held by him. I felt safe in his arms.

Eventually, the tears stopped. Dhiren didn't stop holding me until I pulled away.

"Thanks," was all I could manage to say. My cheeks were red. Now that I had stopped crying. I couldn't look him in the eyes.

He pressed a finger under my chin and gently pushed my chin up so I was looking at him. "Anytime," he said. His eyes were a bit red.

"I wish that was true," I told him. "I really have missed you, missed talking with you. Tonight, it was…" but there were no words to describe it.

"I just wish I could do more," he said with a pained smile. "I thought finding you a good circus would help, but I should have known a circus wouldn't fix everything."

"I wish someone had told me that," I quipped.

We both smiled at my lame joke.

There was a pause and then I asked. "So, what now?"

Dhiren frowned. "Well even though it might be useless now. I did come all this way for a reason, besides missing you. I wanted to give you a number to call."

I stared at him. "A number like…a phone number?" After all the fantastical feats he'd pulled off tonight, I hadn't expected him to mention something so mundane.

He nodded. He told me the number. "All you need to say is that you're my friend and then ask about the Waghdhare Circus."

I blinked. "The Waghdhare Circus? You want me to go there? It's very exclusive."

His eyes sparkled. "Then you know of it."

"Yeah. Of course." It was one of the few circuses that was still able to train big cats in India. I had learned about it in middle school. The circus was kind of world-famous.

"Maybe you will call then."

"Maybe," I said. Though I doubted I would. Such an opportunity could not be real, could it?

"Just remember the number, okay?" He stood up.

I got up as well. "What is it?"

"I should go," he said sadly, "I'd love to stay here forever but it's morning and I'm sure they are already going crazy about me leaving."

"Who's going crazy?"

"Matt," he spat out and I found out how his tiger disdain translated into human words. "Him and his pathetic excuse for a father are probably quite distressed by my running away. They might have even told the ringmaster by now."

I stared at him. After sitting with him all night, it was hard to believe he was just a circus tiger or rather…my interpretation of a circus tiger. The fact that this magnificent man was worried about Matt of all things was jarring and wrong.

"I don't regret it," he said. "I'm truly grateful I found you again. I wanted to give you that phone number and, more than that, I wanted to know you were alright."

I shook my head, still feeling a bit of disbelief. He was saying goodbye. Dream or no dream, I didn't want this to end. I certainly didn't want to lose Dhiren because of the circus of all things. I had just poured my soul out to him and cried all over him. His shirt was still damp and he was leaving.

"Dhiren," I said reaching out to him.

He took hold of my hand and kissed it. Our eyes met. He said, "Thank you, Kelsey Hayes."

"Thank you?" I said, nonplussed. "I should be thanking you. What have I done?"

He chuckled. Then he gave me a wry look and said, "You, Kelsey Hayes, have reminded me how to be human. It is not a lesson I intend to forget." He squeezed my hand one more time and then he let go. "Goodbye, Kelsey and thank you again."

There was a blinding blue light. The yellow sky turned green for a moment and I shut my eyes to block out the brightness. When I opened them, I found myself back in Sarah's backyard.

Dhiren was gone, yet again.