Tensions were high as it was nearing an hour that Raphael had sealed himself inside the lab with Donatello. Pizza had been ordered, arrived and nearly cold by this time. Sadly, there was little anyone could do but wait for the other to finally open the door. The air was thick with gloom and distress. All wanting to speak to the injured turtle, all silently hoping Raph would not break the new to him.

Who would break such news? Would it be easier coming from one of his brothers? Perhaps Splinter was the best choice; he was after all his father and the head of the clan. Yet would Donnie accept it? Perhaps he needed to hear it from a mind just as grand as his own. The one who was able to find the truth to begin with, perhaps it should be Leatherhead?

Everyone racked their brain but all agreed such news was best not heard by April. Hell many of them thought it best she leave but none dare tell her, not wanting to be the one to tell Donnie why she wasn't there when he was returned home. It would make it seem like she didn't care, when in fact she did. She was here wasn't she? She had to care somewhat right?

April wasn't feeling very welcome in the lair, not anymore. She was clearly seen as someone who hurt Donnie because she chose to be with Casey. Hell, Donnie had told her to follow her heart and to do what she felt was right. A week or two after Casey asked her out. She had followed his advice and was very happy with Casey. He was rough around the edges but…Casey was a great boy friend. She had never been happier but…her happiness came at the price of Donatello's. How could she had been so blind before not to see through to him? That he had indeed still harbored feelings for her all this time. Even the bastard Slash could see it, so how the hell had she missed it? Perhaps she didn't want to see it.

After Casey had asked her out, she was congratulated by Donnie who took her hands in his own. His smile was just as sweet as always and she could tell he was sincere when he said he was happy for her. Donatello was the one who believed in her most.

When she began to train as a kunoichi, the others had laughed but it was Donnie who stayed back and worked with her and teach her the complex kata. In during so he had fallen behind in work to the point Leo had taken over her tutoring. Even though she knew Donnie enjoyed their time together for training, she could tell he put his family's needs above his own desires. It was one thing she admired about him.

Yet here she was, reading his privet thoughts, thoughts about how he wanted to die because he felt so much pain by her rejection. Was she that meaningful in his life that he could not go on without her? No, if that were the case he wouldn't be able to continue with working like he does. She could not be the ONLY reason he continued to live for. He had to be living for his family. He cared far too much about them, she knew this without a doubt because he had talked to her about them and what he really did, which was an amazingly massive list, and why he needed her to go to the library for him so often. In exchange he tutored her in whatever subject she needed.

Donatello is a very shy, awkward yet overly kind soul. Never wanting to hurt anyone and it made her wonder how this could be. Even if they make fun of his inventions, call him a nerd and joke about his crush on her, he would show annoyance but always happily go about creating, fixing and even working for their sake. She had read once that those who smile the most and try all they can to make others feel better, often are the ones that need help the most. She could see this in the diaries.

The shy, awkward, kind turtle felt deep pain and remorse for so much in the world and took every wrong deed and mistake to heart. She had recalled what he said about the mutagen. In saving his brothers he had let it fall to the streets, causing people, animals and plants to become mutants. That he had been the cause of the mutation to her father. Even she recalled how horrible she was to him. How she had blamed him and him alone for not saving her father. That she hated him.

Hate. There was so much rage and pain attached to the four letter word that it made her shudder. Donnie never said he hated anyone, in fact she could recall how hurt he had been when she used it on him. A word she was sure that shatter his very being. She had seen it in his eyes. Eyes that seemed to know only love and understanding. How they had broken before her own. She had not cared then to hear his voice, to accept his apology or even his vow to restore her father.

His promise that now put his life in danger, the promise of retromutagen.

I wish I could see your face.

She pulled his note to her from her pocket and looked it over for the millionth time. She should have known he still loved her. She should have known that it pained him to see her with Casey. She should have cared more for his feelings, then her own selfish desires.

"I'm a horrible person." She hugged her knees to her chest, trying to fight away the tears.

"Don't listen to that spiny prick. He is just pissed because Donnie cares more about you then him." He brushed the hair from her face and offered a smile. Please, take care of her. You have something so precious that I only dreamed I could ever have. Don't break her heart Casey. He loved her. He really honestly did and he was aware that Donnie could see this. That Donnie was able to tell that the two harbored feelings for each other. That he had known they were waiting for the other to make the first real move. Being the amazing friend he was, he helped them along. Playing both sides to finally reach out for what they desired.

Yet the cost was more than they were willing to pay.

Casey wasn't as foolish as many believed him to be. He could see how Don had started backing off. How he came to the dinner table less and less. How he buried himself in his work, obsessing over trying to fulfill his vow and promise to April. The turtle was working himself too hard and when he confronted the others on it they simply said it was how he was. When he wanted to fix something he was going to do it no matter the cost.

"He is right though." She leaned into his hand, seeking comfort. "I am selfish. I had been doing everything for myself, helping them, because they were helping me with getting my father back. I never did anything for them without expecting something back. I'm nothing like Donnie so how can he care about me enough to fucking love me?" She let her tears flow freely. "Im horrible…"

Casey held her face in her own. "Listen April, there is no way you can ever be like Donnie. I am not dating him, I am dating you. If you want to be more like him go head, but know I fell in love with a beautiful, strong and amazing girl! I care about you for you and not that you are more like Donnie or Raph…please don't ever be like Raph…but still you can only ever be the best you not like anyone else. I fucking hate when my parents compare me to my siblings." He wrinkled his nose. "It isn't healthy and I want to see you smile." He gave her a kiss. "Come on, I know you wanna."

She couldn't help but smile. "Jerk!" she gave him a playful push.

"You know you love me." He bounced his eyebrows up and down, further making her giggle. I can never give her the sun.

~LRDM~

"I aint thinking I can Donnie boy, aint like forgiv'en one of yous but ta forgive Slash…" Raph wasn't sure he could. After all that bastard did even after he was first transformed…how he attacked Donnie and Mikey...what he had done to him now…

The younger turtle smiled and rubbed his thumb against the darker hand. "Are you…sure you are…angry with him?" he asked. Donnie wanted peace. He knew both Spike and Raph missed the other but were just too stubborn and jaded to admit it. Spike wasn't going to give him up easily, he knew that. Yet if Spike was demanding to be in his life then he wanted him to befriend his brothers.

"Yeah I know I am! Why do ya ask?" sometime Don could be just as confusing as splinter or even that Iroh guy from the weird cartoon Mikey obsessed about, the one where the kid with the arrow on his face had to fight the dude with the scar. Mikey had told him the Iroh fellow reminded him of their father.

"Sometimes when we…claim to hate…we are trying…to shift that hate…from ourselves." Donnie smiled. "I do not…think you hate him…as much as you say…" he could feel Raph's hand tense, telling him all he needed to know. "Perhaps…you hate what happened…to him…that you feel you….are the reason…you blame yourself…and turn it toward Slash…you do…not see Slash as Spike…they are separate…but…I assure you…they are the same." Donnie looked up at him and frowned, deeply concerned. "I also fear…you maybe…blaming yourself…for what he did to me."

Raph had never thought of it like that. Perhaps he was doing just that. That he was blaming himself deep down for what had happened to his beloved friend and pet. The because of him that Donnie was raped and pregnant. He grit his teeth. How the fuck could Donnie see what he himself could not? That it was all his fault.

"I can see it…" he reached his weak hand to touch his brother's cheek. "Your eyes…they are your tell…I can read them like…an open book…" he could hardly hold back his emotions. Raph was not to blame. "I have…learned since…you started…confiding in me…" he was tired, in pain and wanting sleep but he needed to be sure Raph was going to be okay. That he had his fill of talking this through. His emotions were hard for him to understand and he needed him there to guide him. "You…are angry…you…feel you…cause his…mutation…and so…" he shook his head. Wanting to make things right again. "You only…did that…to protect him…"

The red banded turtle pulled the other closer, careful not to hurt him. "I hate how yous always have the right answer…" he grumbled, nuzzling his beak to his brother's. "I shoulda waited…never should have stole ya kiss…" he spoke lowly, eyes looking away from him. His thumb moved over his beak, gently stroking it. "Was it ya first?" he asked. Raph was changing the subject. He turned back to him, looking down at the lovely olive green lips. Why did he crave to taste them once more. "Honesty Donnie."

Donnie's eyes softened. He could see it was eating Raphie. That he was once again blaming himself. Even as he felt that strong finger move with a gentleness only Raphie knew. A kind of tenderness he only seemed to show him. He couldn't look at him as he spoke, ashamed of himself. "Yes." He had always hoped his first kiss would have been with April. How he always imagined her lips against his own.

"I'm fuck'en stupid, impulsive…" he threw his sai into the wall, causing it to stick. "I'm just as fucked up as Slash…tak'en what wasn't mine…" his hand pulled away from Donnie but was stopped when the other held it with his own. This surprised him, why would Donnie do this? Why would he want to have him here if he stole his first kiss? Something so precious and special…

"Raphie…" his voice cracked, his hand tightening around his brother's. "Please…Don't talk like…that…" he nuzzled his hand, trying to hide his tears. "Raphie…you kissed me…because you…love me right?" he looked up at him. "What you did…you did because…you are passionate…loving…caring…" It hurt him more to see his brother suffer like this. If he could take the weight off his shoulder…to bare the blame…perhaps he could ease his suffering.

He chuckled softly, nuzzling his darker beak to his light skinned brother. "Ya really can read me like a open book Donnie boy…" he stroked his lower lip again, shaking as he tried to resist wanting to take those lips again, so entranced by his every movement. Hell Donnie was glowing right now. So beautiful even now, no doubt from the babe he was carrying. Raph didn't care if it was Slash's kid. He would protect the kid, after all it would be Donnie's little one, a part of him and their family.

The younger turtle could feel the desire in his brother's heart. He could see it in his eyes just what Raphie wanted to do more then anything. He wanted to kiss him again, yet this time he won't unless Donnie himself allowed it. Raphie was holding back for his sake. The nuzzling of their beaks was proof enough of this. The purple banded terrapin closed his eyes. He didn't desire it, yet perhaps Raphie needed it more. "Raphie…if you…desire…I…wont be…upset."

Emerald eyes widened. Donnie gave him permission…he was giving him permission… to kiss him? "D…Donnie are ya sure?" he wanted to know if he was serious.

The soft skinned turtle nodded his head slightly. "You took…my first one…you desire…another chance…" Raphie needed this. Even if Donnie didn't want it, he knew he needed it.

"Donnie…" he cupped his cheek, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "I love ya so fuck'en much…" he leaned in, taking his lips into his own. He pulled him closer, tightening his hold on him because he would never let go again. He wanted this moment to last forever, a life time if he could help it. Tears flowed freely from his eyes. It was as if a dream came true. All he ever wanted was to be with Donnie.

Said turtle was not doing as well. He half expected him to just peck him on the lips, something small. Yet Raphie seemed to enjoy taking far more. Donnie couldn't stop him, he had okayed him to kiss him, it was he whom failed to say how. So he accepted the kiss, far to weak anyway to fight back, yet he could feel the tenderness in Raphie. The anger and rage, the self hatred all seemed to die down because of him, because of the kiss.

He could feel Raphie exploring every bit of his mouth, claiming all he could and more. Those rough hands, calloused after years of training in ninjutsu, explored his body. From his shoulder, slowly down to his plastron and lower to his belly. That was when all actions froze, even the kiss. Raphie pulled away, staring at his belly where the hand was. "Raphie?" he called out, worried that maybe he had done something to upset him.

Raph turned with a gentle smile on his face. "Relax Donnie boy, and thanks a million. I feel so much better." He nuzzeled their beaks again before standing up. "Fearless is gonna wanna talk to ya, do ya want me ta throw 'im out?"

Donnie shook his head. "If he wants to talk let him. You cant be selfish." He cooed. He watched as his brother turned away, only then did the smile fade from his lips. What happened that he changed? What was it he was hiding from him? Donnie knew…Oh he knew he would find out sooner or later.