Chapter 24

"Pasha. That's her. I'm telling you, that's her—"

"Charlotte, calm down. Breathe—fuck. What is it, Ryōma?"

"I need Fisher,"

"Get Tatsugami to do it," Pasha shrugged.

"My paperwork's piling up—"

"Best start doing it then,"

Ryōma grumbled. "Morimine wants to talk to you. Gunnarson's here, I think,"

Pasha nodded.

"Thanks," I said when he was gone.

Pasha smiled and turned to me. "It's fine. Anyway, listen, I'm going to find out as much as I can about this Lyra girl. I'll do Gunnarson first—ask him about it—and then I swear I will do it, OK?"

"OK. OK...Shit. That's her. I'm sure. Fuck. We found her,"

"Yes, and I'll look into it. I promise, just calm down,"

"Ok. Sure...Uh. Oh! Do you want me to stay? Gunnarson might feel more comfortable in his native language,"

"You have to go somewhere?"

"I've got my clients and I need to meet with a gym about hosting my classes,"

"Oh, right. That's good for you, but you go now. If I need you I'll call,"

"Are you sure? You'll be okay? And I'm in Edogawa tonight,"

"Okay. It'll be fine, just go to your meeting, I'll call you,"

I said goodbye and went about my day. I was anxious, and ended up telling Fuyuhiko everything over coffee, and then we got into an almost two hour conversation about something. Fuyuhiko and I did that a lot; I found him less threatening than Genesis, Tsukiyama or even Pasha or Lydia...Probably because he was gay and wouldn't try to fuck me.

I was in a bit of a rush to meet Tsukiyama and Genesis that night, so separated from Fuyuhiko and went to the grocery store. I was picking out grapefruits when a woman approached. I wasn't looking at her—I was checking in with Pasha—so only moved out of the way, not looking at her.

"Charlotte," She said.

I squeaked and shot up. "Oh! Sorry. It's-It's you..."

She smiled. "Yes, obviously. I needed to see you,"

I smiled back. "We see each other all the time,"

She sees me. Though, ever since I moved in with Lydia she's been quiet.

She placed an arm around my waist. I shuddered. "Did you get my messages?" She asked.

"My phone's acting up. Was something wrong?"

"Oh, nothing...I don't like what you're wearing,"

"I just finished pole,"

"You could've gotten dressed. Are you going back to work?"

"Maybe,"

"I don't like you working there. There are some real creeps there,"

"Uh, yeah. I'm teaching classes now, so I'm handing my notice in soon,"

"That's good. I worry about you there...So much corruption around nowadays. You need someone to look after you,"

"Oh, no, I'm fine. I can handle myself,"

"You say that," She stroked my hair. "I know you like to think you're independent, Charlotte, but really you're still only a child,"

"I'm twenty-one,"

"It's called regression, sweetie,"

"I just like kid's stuff, I'm not mentally regressed,"

She smiled. "You think that..." She trailed off. "When are you getting a new phone? I'm tired of way conversations,"

"Sorry, I'll get on it,"

"Yes. I have to go now. I'll see you later, Charlotte,"

"Sure, Lyra," I replied. I just wanted to see what would happen.

She glared at me, her catlike eyes flashing with something I didn't understand. She stared at me for a few seconds, before nodding and leaving.

I stayed still, trying to figure out what'd just happened. I blinked, shook myself off and carried on. I went back to Lydia's to get changed, only to be cornered by her.

"I don't like you spending all these nights out," She'd said, folding her arms.

"It's a school thing,"

"Let's not lie, Charlotte, I know what you're doing," She paused. "Those outfits you wear...I know what you do,"

"No—"

"You're practically asking for it. You'd think after what Ryōma did you'd stop doing it, but nooo. I thought you were smarter than that, sweetie,"

"It's not like that anymo—"

"You're just doing it at parties with rich kids now, it's no different,"

I gawked.

"I have Instagram, sweetie, I've seen pictures of you with that architect and all his friends. Including someone you shouldn't be talking to,"

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just—"

"It's like you're asking to be murdered or raped. Again. Do you want that?"

"No! Wait—"

"I just want you to be safe, sweetie, that's why you're here, with me...I'll support you. I said—don't worry about costs, didn't I? Hm? You don't have to do that awful job anymore,"

"It's not just about that. They are my friends—"

"They're most certainly not. You're just a plaything to them. I know the type—I bet they make you feel so special,"

"It's not—"

"They're playing with you, sweetie. You're just naive,"

I stared at her. "I am not—"

She smiled. "Look, don't go out tonight. Let's watch something together. I've got ice cream—"

"I hate ice cream and I'm a vegan,"

"Sorbet?"

I shook my head. "I'd actually rather not. I'm going out, thanks for your concern, but I'm fine,"

I made a mental note to move out of there as soon as. Lydia was starting to sound like Anna. Besides, Genesis kept offering and she lived near Tsukiyama and my new job. I also consulted Trev, who seemed to agree—she didn't like living there either.

"Of course you can live with me!" Genesis had said, later. "We'll have so much fun together. I can't wait," She squeezed my arm and stared at me. "OhmyGod, you've lost weight,"

"Have I?"

"Yes. You look amazing! Wow. I wish I was as skinny as you,"

"You don't," I blurted out, she ignored me and skipped along. I went to find Tsukiyama—I'd brought him flowers.

"Oh, merci beaucoup!" He'd said. "They're beautiful! Did you grow them yourself?"

"God, no. I just saw them and got them for you,"

"How very thoughtful. I do like suisen, do you have these in Wales?"

"They're the Welsh national flower. We call them daffodils,"

His lips curled down. "I don't like that name as much. It sounds rather filthy," He stroked the flower heads and smiled. "Tell me, kitten, have you an interest in hanakotoba?"

"...Sorry, what?"

"Floriography,"

"Oh! Like, flower symbolism? It sounds like something I'd like, I've just never looked into it,"

"I'll lend you some books,"

"What do daffodils mean?"

"Respect,"

I found that ironic. I smiled. "That's good. How embarrassing would it be if it was death or something? Aha," I laughed.

He smiled. "I wouldn't mind...Your phone bleeped, by the way,"

"Oh, right,"

It was Anna. Or do I call her Lyra now? Let's stick with Anna.

I grimaced. She was sending me messages en masse. All asking if I was mad at her or if I was okay. I decided to reply, just to get her to calm down.

Sorry. What's wrong?"

She replied immediately.

Ur back. Finally.

I liked seeing u earlier.

Sorry, I got weird, u scared me lol.

What scared you?

Is that your name? Lyra?

Why r u so interested? I told u to call me Katherine.

But I want to know your real name.

U don't need my name. It doesn't matter.

It does to me.

What r u doing rn?

Studying.

Can I come?

Lol, no. I'm busy.

I want to see u again.

I have to study.

R u lying? Cos i kno u go out at night.

Studying.

Pls can I come see u?

I'm really busy.

Can I call u?

I need to focus—prepping for my research project.

But u don't need to try cos ur so smart.

It's a research project. Seriously. I have to go.

"That's an old phone," Tsukiyama interrupted. I flinched. "Oh, pardon, I didn't mean to frighten you,"

I laughed awkwardly. "It's fine," I paused. "Did you need something?"

"I'd like to do your hair. I think a high ponytail would go better with that outfit,"

"Oh, right, uh, sure,"

"Merci. Your hair's beautiful, so long and thick...And that colour! Magnifique!"

"Thanks,"

He sat me down in front of a mirror and pulled my hair into a high ponytail.

"Wow, I do have a lot of hair," I said. Being in from of a mirror was forcing me to look at my face. I was glad of this, as I hoped I might remember what it looked like.

"Indeed," He said, finding a pearl hairband.

"Blondes naturally have more hair, because we need more protection from UV light,"

"How interesting,"

"I've always wanted to dye it,"

"Oh, non, non, non! Charlotte, chérie, you're a minority hair group. You have to keep it healthy—"

"Not all of it. I'd like to dye my ponytail or something, up to here...And maybe a strand at the front,"

"What colour?"

"Pink. Or orange. Or green. I don't mind, something bright and colourful. Like yours,"

"You want this colour? I think pink would be perfect—what shade?"

"Neon,"

"That could go. Maybe a pastel would be better—seeing as that's most of your wardrobe,"

"I want it to be as pink as possible. I'm taking my pink obsession to a new level,"

"I gathered. I won't give you a fringe, people need to see that gorgeous face of yours," He paused, stroking my hair. His hand was so close to my neck, I almost wanted him to strangle me. "Do you like wearing children's clothes?"

"Hm?"

"Do you like dressing like a child?"

"They make me feel small,"

"Only, you have children's toys and DVDs. It's not a fetish, is it?"

I laughed. "I have almost every fetish known to man,"

He blinked. "OK, pardon, I don't mean to intrude. It's just a little strange,"

"My therapist at Oxford said it was a coping mechanism. He thought I'd regressed,"

"Oh, je suis désolée,"

"He said it was in response to a traumatic event," I shuddered, thinking about August 2004. "Though, most people just think I'm a pedophile, which I'm not,"

"Of course not. Some people are so rude,"

"It's not sexual at all, I just—I don't know. It makes me feel comfortable and safe. That's all,"

He nodded, hesitating. He sat next to me. "If I may, what happened? The traumatic event,"

I looked away. "It was not related, it could not be. I didn't start this until years after the event, so it cannot be related,"

"It could be. When did you start?"

"Fifteen, sixteen when I started all the pink-girly-girl stuff,"

"When was the event?"

"I was thirteen. I don't remember it that well. I try not to think about it,"

"Tell me,"

"I've never told anyone before,"

He smiled gently. "You kept my secret, let me keep yours. What happened to you?"

"...As I said, I don't really remember a lot. It, uh, it was August 2004, I woke up in this field, and I didn't have my leggings or underwear on, and there was blood and it hurt. It really hurt...And all I could taste was this earthy taste—like mushrooms,"

I was sobbing. It felt good to tell someone—someone that wasn't a goldfish—but it was terrifying to admit it. Admitting it meant it'd actually happened. Admitting it meant I knew what I'd tried so hard to forget.

Tsukiyama stared at me, awkwardly touching my shoulder and rubbing my back. I didn't really like it, but at least he wasn't blaming me or something.

"I'm sorry," He said. "I didn't mean to upset you,"

"It's fine," I choked. "It was years ago now. I should not be so upset,"

"You have every right to be upset. That's awful, You've never told anyone? At all?" He gave me a tissue.

I paused. "Well...My boyfriend knew. He'd found me in that field. I think he guessed. He told me not to tell anyone. He said it'd be too stressful for me,"

"Boyfriend?"

"He was not my boyfriend at the time. I left school when I was thirteen because of a suicide attempt—Paracetamol, I self-educated until uni— so he was my tutor. We started having regular sex about a year later, which was mostly BDSM because I couldn't handle intercourse,"

"What's the age of consent in Wales?"

"Sixteen,"

"How old was he?"

"Thirty-two,"

He stared at me, before mumbling something I didn't catch. "Oh, so—Sorry, I didn't realise you'd been groomed,"

"Groomed? I was not groomed. Erik never hurt me. We loved each other,"

"You were thirteen, he was more than double that,"

"I was very mature—I got my period when I was nine,"

"That's got nothing to do with it. Grown men shouldn't be in a relationship with children, and I shouldn't have to explain that to you,"

"We were in love, Tsukiyama. He was not like other men—so sweet, and devoted—He used to buy me things after sex. He bought me alcohol and butterfly knives, he gave me weed—he said it'd loosen me up. He took me on weekend trips and—"

"That's grooming,"

"He was just being kind,"

He looked at me with this...This look. It was like he was disgusted by me. That made me feel awful. I explained more.

"I instigated the relationship. He said he was a monster. He called himself horrible things. It was my fault. He always said it was up to me...And sure, he could hurt me sometimes, but he never meant to—"

"Hurt you how?"

"Sometimes he said things that upset me—but everyone does that; I'm very sensitive,"

"What did he say?"

"It was never his fault. I upset him too, so he upset me. Like, sometimes I didn't want to be touched or kissed and he'd get really upset. He would not talk to me for ages, only when I was 'in a better mood' again,"

"Tell me you can hear how awful this sounds?"

"You don't understand. I hurt him. It was my fault,"

"How did you upset him?"

I thought. "I'd just say things that upset him. He didn't like it when I wore dresses or revealing things, he said I looked like a slut. He didn't like me going to university, and it hurt him when I talked about it. He'd get angry, really angry. He'd say, 'they don't let people like you become scientists, they'll laugh at you', and he'd say that I didn't need a job because he'd support me. That's how I lost him, actually,"

"Lost him? Men like that don't normally just get lost, as I well know,"

"Erik disappeared on my seventeenth birthday. We had a huge fight. I was preparing for uni and I decided that I was going. It was my dream. He just lost it. I think I ended it. I didn't mean it, but it was my dream. I hated to admit it, to hurt him, but my education meant more to me than he did. What was I meant to do? Next thing I knew, he was gone. Just gone. No note or anything, didn't even take his stuff. Police came by, searched his house, my mum didn't let them speak to me. And I'm glad because...Urgh. Never mind. After Erik, I could only date women for a bit,"

"Because he damaged you,"

"No! Stop saying that. He loved me. I hurt him. He left because he hated me so much. It's my fault. I hurt him, he never meant to hurt me..." I choked and sniffed.

Tsukiyama didn't say anything. He just stared at me with that horrible look on his face.

I sniffled, looking away. "Don't look at me like that. I don't like it,"

"What do you want me to do?"

"Say something. You're making me feel like an alien,"

"I don't know what to say,"

I let out a short laugh. "I've rendered you speechless. Is that a first?"

"No,"

"This is why I don't talk about Erik...Because everyone always assumes that he was some horrible abusive monster, but he wasn't...He loved me, and that's all he ever did..." I wiped my eyes. "Oh, look. I've ruined my makeup,"

"You shouldn't go tonight. You've gotten too upset,"

"I'll just fix my makeup—"

"No, you shouldn't work tonight. Not after what you just told me,"

"So it was fine before? When you didn't know?"

"That's not what I meant. I just thought that after thinking about something so traumatic, you might not want to do your work,"

"I've gotten used to it,"

"How can you accept something like that?"

"I just have to get my head down and get to work. That's all I can do,"

"You could've gone to the police,"

"I did,"

"But you said—"

"Wait, no I didn't...Yeah, I did—I can't remember. Don't make me think about it. It's easier to forget about it. I like forgetting about it,"

"How do you do sex work? How can you even have intercourse normally? I don't understand,"

"Me either. It gets hard sometimes, because...That has not been the only time I've been..." I wasn't going to say that word. I couldn't.

"Raped?" He said. I shuddered. "It's happened again?"

I nodded. "I don't want to talk about it,"

"You have to,"

"I don't. I'm not going to,"

He sighed and placed a hand to his head. "Humans can be so stubborn..."

I paused. "Do ghouls get...Does it happen to ghouls?"

"No. It's never happened to me,"

"You're a man—Not that men can't be...It's just. You're double my weight—It's unlikely to happen to you...maybe. I don't know,"

He shrugged. "I assume it only happens to humans, or weak ghouls, not you're weak...Though, you have lost weight. You're starting to look like a skeleton. Are you eating?"

"Yes," I was living off protein shakes and grapefruit, so not really eating, but at least I was loosing weight, which was all I wanted.

"Just watch yourself," He said. "I'd hate for my lovely new pet to starve to death,"

"Sure," I said, pausing. "Thanks for listening to me. You will not tell anyone, right?"

"Non, you've kept my secret, right?"

"It's not the same though. You should not have to keep that a secret,"

"Well, why should you?"

"Because what happens to me is my fault. I mean, don't act like you don't think it. Look at what I wear, my job, my mental state—even if I wanted to tell anyone, they wouldn't believe me or they'd say I deserved it,"

"Why don't you go to the police?"

"No one would believe me and I don't want to cause a fuss. It's easier to accept it,"

"You work with the police, surely that gives you an advantage?"

"They all hate me there, and there's this guy, Ryōma, and he—Actually. Never mind,"

"No, I want to know,"

"It's nothing,"

"I could sort it for you. I could get you a lawyer, or—"

"That's very kind, but no. It'd be a waste of time,"

"I don't mind,"

"It's fine, really. I'll be fine," I paused. "Sorry, you probably didn't want to hear about any of this. We should go,"

"Hold on," He grasped my arm, nails digging in ever so slightly. "Let's stay behind. I need to study and you look terrible now,"

I laughed. "Yes, I know. Don't you want to go? I mean, it's at an aquarium. I love aquariums,"

"I don't really care for most of the people there and I've got exams. We can go to the aquarium anytime,"

"What would we do here?"

"Study, talk—You look like you need a drink,"

"...That sounds nice. Do you have a laptop I could use for my notes?"

That night turned out to be amazingly peaceful. It was relieving to spend a night away from prying eyes and wandering fingers. I was still working, but at least it was fun. Shuu Tsukiyama was an excellent study-buddy. He was also studying botany and I study entomology, so we were able to share notes and add to our essays.

It was just a nice evening.

I drank a lot of wine that night though. A lot.

I stayed over too. I was a bit worried he'd sneak in in the night to try and screw me. I mean, I liked Shuu Tsukiyama, even trusted him a little, but trust and liking someone was what got you assaulted.

I'd learn within the next few weeks, that one can never be too careful.