Paralyzed

Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

A/N-thank you to everyone who kindly reviewed the last chapter. I am back at work again now so my updates may slow down a little. Sorry!

Chapter Forty-Six-Reflection

Ben could feel the fear in his chest wanting to take over as he went to find Rey. He was about to shatter her world again and he hated himself for it. The fear sat like an angry ball propelling him toward anxiety as he worried about her potential reaction to the news about her mother. He found Rey deep in conversation with Rose. He smiled faintly in apology as he interrupted them.

"Rey, can you come with me for a minute?" He asked, holding out his hand toward her.

Rey knew something was wrong. Even if they didn't share such a deep and powerful bond, she would be able to tell from the apprehensive look on his face that he was about to deliver some bad news. She suddenly didn't want to take his hand, because she knew if she did, that whatever he said might destroy the quiet serenity she had managed to surround herself with for the last few weeks.

Rey felt her breath get caught in her chest. She noticed Rose looking at her worriedly as she picked up on the tension. "Can't it wait, Ben? Rose and I were talking."

"We can finish this conversation later." Rose said to Rey. "You go."

"'K." Rey mumbled. She could feel her fear gaining on her. She wasn't too sure if it was coming from her or she was picking up on the residual feeling from Ben. She reluctantly placed her hand in his and let him lead her back to their quarters. When the doors slid closed behind them, she turned and pressed her face against his chest, hiding her eyes from him. "I don't think I want to hear it." She pleaded. "Its to do with my parents, isn't it?"

Ben wondered how much information had leaked from his mind into hers on the short journey back to their room. He hadn't done a good job at shielding his troubled thoughts from her. They were so attuned to one another now; it had become almost impossible. He raised his hand and cradled the back of her head as he gave an almost imperceptible nod. "I'm sorry." He breathed.

Rey clutched the front of his tunic, her fingers winding tightly in the thick black material. Tears were already soaking her long lashes. She made no sound as she cried, the only outward sign was a slight tremor in her body. "Ben…." She took in a deep shuddering breath to steady her nerves as she pulled away just enough to see the anguish reflected in his dark eyes. He was stroking the back of her hair gently with his long fingers, trying his best to soothe her tension away. She relaxed her death grip on his tunic as resignation settled heavily on her shoulders. "Just say what you need to say." She said bleakly, knowing it was pointless delaying the inevitable.

"It will probably be easier if I just showed you." Ben sighed, his fingers leaving her hair to caress the soft curve of her cheek instead.

"Okay." Rey mumbled her agreement as she closed her eyes in defeat and pressed that same cheek against his broad chest.

Ben's emotions turned jagged and his insides tight as he fully opened up his mind to her and let Rey see for herself what Kuruk had told him.

In the darkness of their quarters Ben's warm embrace was like a little touch of heaven. Rey wished she could extend the moment forever just so she could stay close to him for longer, secure in his embrace. His arms wrapped so tightly around her, brought a semblance of peace, a calming of the storms in her heart. After the fatal dose of her new reality he had been forced to share, his mere presence and those of their babies were the only things able to give her hope for the future. His cuddles were the only medicine she needed as she fought to come to terms with the shattering news about her mother.

Rey thought about all those wasted years on Jakku, steadfastly holding on to hope that one day her parents were going to come back for her. How naïve she had been, so childishly innocent. She thought of Ben, and how he had spent a lifetime trying to escape the legacy of his past and how she had been on an opposite mission to find hers. Now she wished she had remained ignorant, being a nobody was better then what she was left with now.

As she lay pliant in his arms, she remembered the many conversations she and Ben had about his inner conflict-the way he had constantly felt the pull between the light and the shadow. He had said to her once, "Whether it was Skywalker or Snoke, neither one ever saw me as a person. I was always just a…legacy, just a set of expectations." Throughout his life he'd been told which path he must take. He was groomed by Snoke to embrace the shadow, he was taught by Luke, Leia, and Han to embrace the light.

His words had stuck with Rey ever since. It gave her new insight into his "let the past die" mantra. He had said it first on Ahch-To during one of their early Force bonds, "Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It's the only way to become what you were meant to be." And the second time after the throne room battle, "It's time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels; let it all die." It was only after another one of their intimate conversations that he expanded on what he really meant. He had explained how tired he was of the incessant pull of both the light and the shadow on himself (and maybe on the galaxy as a whole), and the only way he felt able to get rid of it was if he killed it himself.

Rey thought about the amount of people who had constantly fought to pull Ben to their side throughout his life. Palpatine, Snoke, Ren, Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, Lando, his friend Tai, she could add her name to that list, they were all guilty of it. He had never known a moments peace, was never allowed just to be himself, just be Ben Solo. It had made him self-destruct, made him believe the dark voices in his head; he truly believed that he was the monster that everyone deemed him to be.

Her life may have been harsh and full of deprivation growing up on Jakku, but she had always maintained a sense of purpose. In her loneliness she had stayed true to herself. She wasn't a slave to a past that she couldn't control. The only expectations she had to live up to were the ones she set for herself. How would she have coped if her and Ben's situations were reversed, if she had grown up under the heavy burden of her true legacy? If she had countless people wanting a piece of her, pulling her this way and that, but secretly expecting her to go to the darkside because she was born from it?

The newfound knowledge about her mother only cemented the bitter realisation that she would have succumbed to the dark just like Ben had in the end. He had fought the conflict inside him for twenty-three long years with no help from anyone, until that fateful night he had awoken to find Luke's saber poised to strike him down in his sleep. If his own uncle wanted to kill him, he must really be destined for the dark.

"You were right about letting the past die, Ben." Tears welled in Rey's eyes as her hand moved around Ben's middle, warm and soft. "You told me to let it go. To kill it. I should have listened to you."

Her quiet admission and the devastation in her eyes broke Ben's heart. He couldn't bear to see her so upset. In seconds his body was moulded with hers, sharing the comfort of his body heat to calm her as easily as he shared his heart. He loved her so much and he hated that she was questioning everything she thought about herself. "I was wrong, sweetheart. I tried to bury the past. To kill it. But it continued to haunt me anyway, driving me to do more and more crazy things, until I became completely paralyzed by it. It was only when I gained enough strength to face the past head on that I began to move on from it and finally start to heal."

Rey's tearful gaze remained fixed on his beloved face as she absorbed his heartfelt words. "The moment you came home to Leia." She whispered shakily.

"The moment I came home to you." Ben corrected her gently. He gathered her in his arms, wrapping her in a slow and luxurious hug. Rey melted against him, feeling the security of his love surround her like a warm glow.

A/N- I wanted a one on one chapter with just Rey and Ben while Rey came to terms with the painful revelation about her mother. As always thanks for reading and please leave a review if you have the time.