Synchronized Heartbeats
Written By: TCOOKIES777
Chapter 44: Dark Clouds
The last time Gou had given her farewell to a dead person was at ten years old when her grandmother had died. At the age of sixty-eight, the elderly Matsuoka had suffered a heart attack just a few days after Gou had spent a hot summer weekend with her. She still remembered the way her grandma would cut the watermelon into cubes and then freeze them so they could eat it like popsicles. Gou remembered how, although her grandma's mind was no longer sharp, they'd still play board games and card games together until late in the night. Those were the days when Gou could forget about the loneliness that hung over the Matsuoka household like a cloud. So when her grandma had died, it felt as if somebody had ripped away Gou's security blanket, leaving her cold and alone once again.
The first time Gou had said her farewells to a dead person was at the tender age of five years old. She didn't yet understand what death was, only that it was supposed to be a sad thing because the person she loved was no longer around. At least, that's how the adults put it. Everyone had told her that her daddy was in a better place now. Gou remembered asking in response, 'Wasn't the best place for daddy with us?'
They all seemed to cry a bit harder at that, so she kept her mouth shut and squeezed Rin's hand a little harder. Her brother's hand had at least been warm and firmly holding hers despite the rest of his body trembling. His grasp on her had almost been painful, but Gou believed it kept her from crying that day. She believed that, had Rin not held her the way he did that day, she would have lost herself in that storm of grief.
Never did Gou expect that, at the ripe age of seventeen, she would have to say goodbye to one more beloved in this world. No, not her beloved, because she never even had the chance to love this one before the world had ripped them away.
Wordlessly, she tipped the urn over and let the ashes pour out. Hardly a fistful of her child remained, settling atop of the water like a layer of dirt before sinking into the deep blue.
She sucked in a shaky breath, thankful that the air was frigid enough to numb her face. She didn't want to cry; she was too drained for that.
"You sure you don't wanna say anything?" Sousuke asked from behind, giving her a respectful distance.
"There's nothing to say," replied Gou.
What was there to say?
I'm sorry I accidentally got pregnant with you? I'm sorry for my stupidity? I'm sorry I was clumsy? I'm sorry I never told your father about your existence?
Was that all she had to say? One apology after the other? There was nobody around to forgive her anyway, so what difference would it make? No matter how many apologies she'd give, it wouldn't change a single thing about her situation. Her baby was dead, and that was it.
A hand touched her shoulder. "C'mon. You'll catch a cold if we stay like this any longer."
Nodding, Gou turned to follow, numb feet dragging through icy water to carry her back onto shore. Her toes were already itching with chilblains, but Sousuke wrapped her in his heavy coat he'd stuffed with pocket warmers. He sat her down on a towel laid across the sandy bank, grasping her feet to towel them dry.
"Your ankle is fine now?"
"Yes."
"And your ribs?"
"Fine."
He glanced at her. "But you're not fine."
Slipping her boots on, she sipped from the thermos filled with hot cocoa, finding it more bitter than sweet. "I don't want to talk about it."
She really did not. What good would talking do? How could that fix anything? No, she didn't want to talk about something she had no control over whatsoever.
Lowering her gaze from the grey sky to her worn boots, Gou noted the brown leather had spotted stains of grey and black. It'd been years since her last new pair and her toes were slightly pinched, but the shoes were still holding well together. Would there even be money to buy herself a new pair? Would there have been money to buy shoes for her baby?
"Do you not want to talk about him either?" Sousuke spoke up, long fingers twiddling around his own thermos.
"I don't."
Without missing a beat, Sousuke said, "Second trimester just finished but, since he won't be around for the third trimester, he'll be taking one of those special programs so he can still finish his studies on time."
Gou remained silent.
"Our classmates held a farewell party for him," he continued. "Even the upperclassmen attended. Everyone kept telling Rin to not forget them when he's rich and famous, but I doubt he actually cares. Seven years is a long time. It's easy to forget peop—"
"I said I don't want to talk about him," she spoke so coldly that anyone would have mistaken it for calmness. But anyone who knew her well would have caught the way her voice had wavered at the end.
He ran a hand down his face, pausing to rub his chin thoughtfully. "You won't talk about Rin. You won't talk about the baby. It's been weeks and you won't talk about anything."
Turning to squint at Sousuke, she was irked to find his blue gaze as calm—even drowsy—as ever. "I just had to say goodbye to the cremated remains of a fetus, Sousuke-kun. So, no, I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone about anything."
Fetus. It was easier to call it that. It hurt a little less.
"Your friend, Chigusa, seems worried for you."
That much was obvious by the way she'd been extra peppy these days. Gou knew her friend was only trying to cheer her up and bring some positivity into her life, but now wasn't the right time. "Hana-chan will only worry more if I tell her anything."
"Gou," he huffed, "at this rate, you'll never be in the mood. I want to help you—"
"Why," she laughed but it came out dry and thin with anger, "does everyone seem to think I need help? How can you help me, Sousuke-kun? How? Can you turn back the hands of time and make it so that I never let my brother fuck me?"
"So you regret loving your brother like that?"
"No!" Gou stopped. "I-I mean… yes! No… I… I don't know! Love and sex are two different things!"
"You didn't seem to regret getting pregnant," Sousuke said quietly. When he noted Gou's befuddled expression, he added, "I was there with you for almost your entire pregnancy. If I had to be honest, you seemed… happy—even excited to have Rin's baby. Yes, you were confused and scared, but… I think you really wanted to have his child."
"Th-That's crazy!" She tried to ignore the sudden flush of her cheeks.
"Is it?"
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying," Sousuke turned to look away from her, "as much as you'd like to insist, you don't actually regret sleeping with your brother."
"That's…! N-No," Gou sputtered. "He slept with that bitch behind my back, Sousuke-kun! He cheated on me! Why would I want to have the child of a man who would cheat on me? How can I not regret him and me?!"
"You want to regret, but you don't."
"I do!"
"No, you don't," Sousuke turned back to her, blue eyes searching inside herself. Reaching into his pocket, he went on to press something small and flimsy into her palm. She glanced down, breath stilling at the sight of the single surviving photo of the ultrasound. This image of her baby was the only proof Gou had of what Rin had filled her with. The only proof that they'd ever shared the impossible together. "I've been meaning to return that to you, but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea considering your… current state. I'm giving this to you now because there's no better day than today."
"Thank you," she whispered, the photo shaking in her grasp.
"I saw your face that day," he spoke softly. "You were planning to keep the baby, Gou."
She swallowed, staring at the bit of blood that tinged the corner of the sepia-colored photo. She swept a thumb across the row of squishy little fingers.
Sousuke sighed. "I knew from the very beginning that you were going to give birth to Rin's child."
But Gou shook her head, whispering, "I was wrong. I should've had that abortion. Stupid me… I wanted to have the child of the last man on Earth who could ever love me the way I love him. I should have known he was just using me for sex. I should have known that my brother could never love me that way… I thought, even without Onii-chan, I could still give birth and love his child. But I realize now that the baby would have just been a painful reminder no matter if I kept it or gave it away. A painful reminder of a dream that could never come true... I should've just aborted the baby."
That way, a part of me wouldn't have died that day.
"But Rin does love you. I know you know that, Gou. So he cheated on you, but… I don't know, something about this just doesn't sound right." Sousuke's voice seemed to weigh heavy with exhaustion or something burdensome as he spoke. "Maybe he is telling the truth. Maybe, for some reason, he really did sleep with her for your sake. We don't know the circumstances—"
"Well, did he tell you the circumstances? Did he tell you anything?!"
"N-No, but…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "It just doesn't sound like the Rin you and I know. It doesn't make sense."
"It makes perfect sense!" she argued. "Ami isn't his sister. He's free to be with her... And then when I confronted him, he tried to cover it up by giving me her ring! Like I'm just… an afterthought. A fucktoy to play with when he's bored."
"But he was considering choosing you over his own career. Normally, Rin would never do something as crazy as that. If you think about it, logically—"
"Logically, he's my brother and I'm his little sister. His responsibility." Gou crossed her arms. "There's your answer. That's all there is to it."
"No…" This time, it was Sousuke who shook his head. "No sane brother would risk everything he has for the love of his little sister. Not unless he loved her that way too."
"Then why would he cheat on me?! He lied and tried to keep it a secret!"
"But isn't that what you're doing too?"
"I never cheated on him! I…" She paused, memories of that night flooding her mind in rush and heat flooding her cheeks with guilt. She still remembered the way Sousuke's erection had felt so hot and solid against her bare pussy. The way her hips had moved with the desire to skewer herself onto his cock despite already carrying another man's child. A shudder of thrill ran down her back as she fumbled for an explanation. "Th-That was because I saw him with that girl and I… I couldn't control myself be-because of my pregnancy hormones..."
Sousuke smiled at her, but the smile contrasted with the look in his eyes. "No, it's like you said. Nothing happened between us that night, remember? But the secret I'm talking about is the fact that you were carrying your brother's child and you never told him. No matter who it is, the father of the child deserves to know."
"Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?"
"And why does his secret still matter now and not yours?"
"Because my baby is dead and his bitch is still alive!" She screamed, slamming her fist into the sand. The cold seemed to suck out all the heat building within her and, just as quick as the fury had filled her, the emotion passed away. Still, the remains of her anger simmered low in her veins, ready to burst hot at any moment's notice. Inhaling, Gou said in a controlled voice, "Because Onii-chan can always dump me to be with Ami o-or any other girl! He is free to love, and date, and marry, and have babies with any girl without suffering the repercussions… unlike with me. Just because I was born as his sister!"
"That doesn't mean Rin doesn't love you that way. Your brother loves you like a man loves a woman. Trust me, Gou. I know it."
"How can you say that?!"
"Because I know that everything you're saying right now comes from a place of pain. You should've had that abortion? Your brother doesn't love you?" His hand tightened around the thermos, but it was his sudden irate tone that caught Gou's attention. "It's a load of crap and you know it. You're just trying to find excuses."
"I-I'm not!"
"But you are!" His thermos slammed into the spread towel with a soft thud, the sand cushioning the impact. She jolted at the abrupt break of his usual placid self, his soft gaze hardened by a glint of anger. "You know very damn well the real reason why Rin would drop his career for you! And you know the reason why you're saying all this bullshit is because you're trying to cope with the loss of your baby!"
Smack!
The slap was over before either could register what had just happened.
Her eyes widened at the sight of his reddening cheek where her palm had landed. "I… I'm so sorry, Sousuke-kun!"
"No, I should apologize. I shouldn't have said that. I just got upset and…" He reached out as if to touch her own cheek but then froze, his hand hovering awkwardly between them before he let it drop. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you too."
Pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes, Gou croaked out, "I don't know what's wrong with me. Why… Why does everything feel so wrong now? When Onii-chan and I were together, it was like somebody had finally turned on the lights after walking in the cold dark for so long. And now… now it's like the lights are off again and I'm stumbling through the dark."
"Gou, tell me the truth." Sousuke sucked in a breath as if to brace himself. His teal gaze swept desperately across her face before landing on her lips as if expecting to find the truth there. "Do you… Do you still love him?"
Do I love Onii-chan?
She knew exactly what he meant. Just hearing that question was enough to let the answer resound clear in her heart like the ring of a chapel bell.
Gou hesitated for a long while, the desire to tell Sousuke what he wanted to hear clashing with the need to tell him what he needed to hear. "I do," she whispered.
Sousuke nodded, lowering his eyes to where her hands were clasped across her stomach. "You want him to stay, don't you?"
"I do."
"Then why not just tell him your truth? You still have a little time left… before it's too late," he murmured. "These lies and secrets are going to keep eating you up from the inside out until there's nothing left of you."
She knew that, of course, but it didn't make telling the truth any easier. It was like deciding between the slow turn of the knife versus pulling the knife out; neither option seemed very appealing.
"Just tell him everything," he urged her.
"I… I can't anymore."
"Why not?"
The answer drew just the smallest smile from her. One hand swept across her flat stomach as she was forced to dig out the truth she'd tried so hard to bury. "Because if I tell Onii-chan the truth now… if I tell him I don't want him to go… then I know he'll stay. He'll stay for me."
Saying that aloud felt like a load off her shoulders, but her heart remained heavy with the weight of many other burdens.
Her confession was rewarded with a proud smile as he lifted a hand to pat her gently on the head like he often did when they were little. "He would," nodded Sousuke.
She felt herself relax under his warm touch. The desire to lean in further and wrap herself in his comforting warmth nearly overwhelmed Gou for a second before she drew back. She tried to distract herself with another sip of hot cocoa but found her thermos empty. With a sigh, she buried her face in her hands. "I'm sorry, Sousuke-kun, I'm just so confused. I'm feeling so many things that I don't even know where to begin or how to explain any of it. It's like there's a storm raging inside me and I'm just so lost and numb."
"Is that why," he glanced at the arm pressing against his own, "you're still cutting yourself?"
She resisted the urge to tug at her sleeve. "Did Onii-chan tell you?"
"He did, but he didn't have to. I know you pretty well, Gou."
"Is that why you've been forcing me to accompany you on your morning jogs?" She bumped her shoulder against his. "To cheer me up?"
"Nah," he smiled mildly at her. "I just like spending time with you. Besides, you need to get back into shape."
Gou scoffed at that, but her chest throbbed with warmth. "I bet it's fun to hang out with a depressed girl who does nothing but complain."
"Not every moment with your friend has to feel fun. Neither does it mean I can't still appreciate the time spent with you," Sousuke shrugged. "And as strange as it is to say, depression can be a beautiful thing. Destructive and terrifying, but beautiful. That's the human mind for you."
"Was it like this for you?" Gou asked quietly. "When you injured your shoulder?"
"Pretty much," he nodded. "So depression is no stranger to me."
"It's funny how one word can carry all that weight and mean so much. It's like I'm feeling so much of everything," Gou mumbled, "that I can no longer actually feel anything…. You're right; all these lies and secrets are eating me up inside."
That gaping void within her threatened to consume everything she had with its every growing ravenous appetite. A monster of her own creation.
Sousuke was quiet for a moment as a cold breeze swept through, eliciting a shiver from Gou. He reached over, tugging the front of his coat tighter across her chest. His hands slid down, closer to hers and she almost thought he was going to take her hands into his until he pulled away at the last second. "You know, Rin told me that you had trouble sleeping at night since your return from the hospital. He said your nightmares were so bad that he could hear you crying in your sleep. So every night he would check in on you and stay by your side until you were fine again."
Gou knew exactly what he was talking about. She'd found out about it the night of their last fight when she awoke, thirsty and sweaty from yet another bad dream about her miscarriage. She remembered stepping out of her room and almost tripping over her brother's long legs, finding him dozing right outside her door. Gou hadn't understood what Rin had been doing, sleeping in the hallway like that, until the next night when she'd roused from another nightmare and heard her brother walk into her room shortly after she'd closed her eyes to try and go back to sleep. She'd felt the pad of his thumb wipe her tear-stained cheeks before touching her hand. His touch had been so light and gentle that Gou almost believed she'd dreamt of him until the same thing happened the next night, and every night after.
"I know," she admitted.
"So you know the truth already; Rin loves you. It doesn't matter that you're siblings. He sees you as a woman… yearns for you like he's drowning for oxygen. I know Rin and I know he loves you so much more than you can imagine. He loves you, Gou." The calm blue of his eyes seemed to waver momentarily with pain as he added more quietly, "Please… please don't make me say it again."
The silent plea in Sousuke's face made her nod in agreement. She didn't know how Sousuke could be so sure of the feelings hidden deep in Rin's heart, but she didn't dare question him on the matter. Something told her that doing so would open doors Sousuke had personally locked within himself. Doors that she was not ready to step through.
So they continued to sit there on the beach together. Not to enjoy the cold weather, or the foreboding dark clouds hanging over their heads. They merely watched the dull blue of the ocean shift roughly with each wave, quietly paying their respects to the loss of the life that never came to be. They had no tombstone or marker, let alone flower petals to send off the little bud of life. Neither was there an elegy nor any last words to wish their goodbye, for how could you say goodbye to someone you had never said hello to?
Clutching the only proof of her child's existence, Gou pressed a kiss to the image of her baby's face, pretending she was kissing the real thing.
Rin didn't think he was a bad brother—not when he wanted only the best for Gou—but sometimes, he still felt like one.
Since that fight, they hadn't talked. The moment their mother had stepped inside the house, she sensed the tense atmosphere between the two children and privately questioned them. Rin had dismissed her concerns as nothing more than stress from work and the lack of a proper vacation. Gou, it seemed, had disguised her gloomy mood as trauma from the accident. Mrs. Matsuoka, none the wiser of the truth between her son and daughter, was more than willing to believe their claims, and thus remained blissfully ignorant.
Even so, it didn't make dinner time together any less awkward. Some of the worse moments were when Rin and Gou were forced to do the dishes together, working in silence. They'd broken several plates from the many times their fingers would accidentally graze each other's.
But the worst moment that topped it off was when he ran into Gou in the bathroom. She'd just finished her shower and he'd been about to start his when they bumped into each other. The room was steamy and she'd barely gotten a squeal out when he caught her by the waist, his instincts driving him to move quickly to catch his sister from falling. The scent of fresh strawberries flooded his lungs and he'd gulped it down like oxygen, leaving him dizzy with a strange high. But it'd been the way her small fingers had been clutching the front of his shirt, her other hand clamped desperately across the back of his neck, that left Rin feeling like a starved man.
A million thoughts had raced in his mind in that second. All jumbled and incoherent for him to even try to make sense of what he would say.
She smells good.
Yummy.
Strawberries.
I wanna lick her.
Kiss her.
Can I?
Do it.
Eat her up.
Gou!
Love you.
So good.
She hates you.
Tasty.
Fuck me!
Strawberries.
Eat her.
You stupid idiot.
Yum!
They had stared at each other for too long a moment before jumping apart as if they'd electrocuted one another. And with that amount of tension and energy between them, they might as well have.
He remembered opening his mouth to say something—perhaps an apology—and nothing but drool had come out. Maybe the hot steam from her shower had scrambled his brains.
His heart had still been racing by the time Rin realized his sister had already left, having given him no chance to even apologize for bumping her. The steam of the bathroom carrying her lingering scent seemed to seep all the way into his soul until he was filled with nothing but the traces of her existence. He had jumped into the shower, turning the knob all the way to the coldest setting. He hoped the cold shower would rid him of his erection fast enough, or else his hands would have to do the work.
It was almost a relief to return to school where it was easier to steer clear of Gou. The one downside was that he now had to steer clear of Ami. His only sanctuary was in his dormitory, but even that didn't feel safe enough. Although the weeks had passed without incident, Rin still found himself often looking over his shoulder in the hallways or in the cafeteria. Every time he entered the gym, he made sure there were also at least two men around. Showering in the locker room had become a no-go if he was the only person. So long as Rin was on the same campus as her, he knew he would never be safe.
"Are you… ever gonna finish folding that shirt?"
He turned to Sousuke who was in the midst of labeling some of Rin's cardboard packaging boxes. Whatever tension that had been there between them since Gou's accident had dissipated upon their return to school. Even so, the atmosphere remained awkward. It felt like walking on eggshells and, among all of his friends, Rin never imagined he'd one day feel as awkward as he did right now with Sousuke.
"You've been staring at it for a while now," his best friend gestured to the black cloth held in Rin's hands. "That shirt isn't gonna fold itself."
"Oh, y-yeah," Rin returned to his attention to the forgotten pile of clothes on his bed, hastily folding the shirt before setting it aside to grab another.
"You sure you only need this many boxes?"
"Yep," glancing at Sousuke's work, he nodded in affirmation. "I'm gonna be donating some of my stuff to the local charity anyway. I'll only be bringing the absolute necessities with me."
Sousuke nudged his foot against a black kettlebell partially hidden underneath Rin's bed. "And this?"
"That's my…" Rin stared at the kettlebell for too long a moment before shaking his head. "Actually, you can have that. My dumbbells too."
"Oh? Thanks."
"Sure." His gaze lingered on the scratches that tarnished the smooth metal of the black kettlebell until something tumbled out of the pocket of the coat he'd grabbed. It knocked against his knee before skittering across the floor towards Sousuke.
"Hey, you…" Picking it up, Sousuke frowned at the small item sitting on the palm of his hand, "dropped this…"
Nearly tripping over one of his dumbbells, Rin snatched the velvet box out of Sousuke's hands. He stuffed it inside the pocket of his sweatpants, hoping his friend hadn't seen what kind of box it'd been. "Th-Thanks."
"Hey," staring at Rin's pocket, Sousuke spoke slowly, "I've been meaning to ask you. Whatever happened to that girl with the blonde hair? What was her name again? Amelia?—no, Ami."
Rin continued to busy himself with the clothes he'd removed from his closet. "What about her?"
"I mean, didn't she have a thing for you? You went out on a date with her before, right?"
"Just the one."
Nothing had actually happened on that date, but he really just wanted to forget about it. Forget everything about Ami and her sickly sweet perfume that was a cheap imitation of Gou's strawberry scent.
"And nothing became of it? You two didn't see each other again?"
"No," Rin ground out, irritation spiking through him. "I-I mean, we saw each other again, but not like that. We… We're not dating."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't like her."
"Well, she seems to like you a lot. Why don't you like her?"
"Because she's a fucking bitch!" Rin spat out. He hadn't meant for the words to fly out of his mouth like that, but the mere mention of Ami's name was enough to ignite a raging fire within him. A white-hot fury that he feared he could not control the more it was tampered with. He always had anger issues before, but this was different.
What Ami had done had forced open a door within Rin that he never knew existed until now.
"I see…" Sousuke had a brow tipped at him. Then, more quietly, he asked, "Did something happen between you and her?"
For just a split second, Rin considered confessing the truth. But how could he admit that a guy like him had been raped? Every time he wanted to bring it up, shame and embarrassment always made him swallow the ugly truth back down. It was easier to feel angry rather than pathetic.
"Nothing happened," he grunted. The weight in his pocket felt so much heavier than before.
Sousuke's face was nothing but dubious. "Rin, if there's something you need to tell me—"
"I said nothing happened!" He snapped.
That tension since the hospital returned in full force, pervading the dormitory with a terse silence. Sousuke was staring at him with a neutral expression even as his eyes flicked to where Rin had his hand fisted around a sweater he'd been folding. Quickly, he loosened his hold on the cotton material, smoothing out the wrinkles he'd made.
"Let's go for a swim."
"H-Huh?" He fumbled with the sweater once more, befuddled by the strange proposition suddenly made after his outburst.
"What? You still not done digesting your dinner yet?"
"But it's… it's already midnight?"
"You haven't yet returned the spare keys Nakamura-san let you borrow, right?" Sousuke asked, already grabbing his towel and duffel bag. When Rin shook his head, he added, "Then c'mon! One last race before you leave," he smiled. "For old time's sake."
And just as quick as the tension had arrived, it evaporated. They were back to being a pair of best buddies who would do anything for each other. Because at the heart of their friendship beat a pure love that had survived their childhood years.
Rin couldn't help but return the smile. "You're on."
.
.
.
"Don't hold back for me, you got that?" Sousuke glanced at Rin as he continued to stretch both of his arms.
With a smirk, he shook his head. "Wouldn't dream of it."
He knew it'd be a greater insult for Sousuke to win by a handicap rather than to lose fair and square. The competitive streak that remained in Sousuke refused any advantages offered. If they were going to race, then they were going to race as they had always done so: one lap of a clean freestyle and nothing more.
"Sousuke," Rin hesitated, fighting the urge to look at his friend's bad shoulder. "If you need to stop at any point—"
"I won't."
He held back a sigh. "I just don't want you to push yourself too hard."
"Look, if you're too chicken to do this, then just admit it," Sousuke grinned at him from his platform.
"Shut up," Rin chuckled, setting the timer on his phone before taking his place on the platform beside Sousuke's.
Since they were the only people using the gym pool this late in the evening, the splash they made upon diving into the water sounded more obnoxiously loud than usual. Their pants echoed within the large space as both men cut through the water with lethal grace. Despite his absence from the pool, Sousuke's muscle memory afforded him all the skills and techniques he needed to move similarly to Rin. The only difference was that Sousule could not move as fast as him. His lack of proper and consistent training had put him at an obvious disadvantage.
Even so, it was all smiles when Rin slapped his hand against the wall first.
"A six-second gap," he lifted his goggles, watching Sousuke catch his breath. "Not bad! You're getting faster."
Sousuke rolled his eyes. "Or maybe you've just become slower. All that food from Christmas slowing you down or what?"
"Ha-ha," Rin brushed off the joke, but still took a brief peek at his flat stomach, flexing his abs as if to make sure he wasn't gaining a belly. "You wanna turn in now?"
"Let's stay a bit longer. It's been a while since I took a swim," Sousuke leaned back to let his body float across the water.
Rin watched him before following suit, the shaggy locks of his hair tickled his jawline. It was probably best to cut his hair, but he remembered how Gou mentioned that she liked his hair long like this. It gave her something to grab onto whenever he ate her… Rin tipped his face back until the water engulfed his head entirely, forcing him to hold his breath and forcing his dick back down. Once his mind was clear of all dirty thoughts of his sister, he raised his face to break through the water, sucking in a deep, calming breath.
"Kinda feels like old times, huh?" Sousuke asked from the next lane over.
"Yeah, feels like forever ago."
"You and I would race just like this after practice when everyone had gone home. Your sister would wait for us by the bench, holding our towels at the ready. We would always tell her 'just one more lap' and make her wait even longer. And on the way home, we'd stop by the vending machines for some popsicles no matter what the weather was like."
"Yeah…" He could see the memory as clear as day, imagining Gou at the bench and cheering him on. She'd been such a small thing back then, eyes bright and glittering with excitement and admiration for her older brother. He tipped his head forward, squinting across the pool as if he might find his sister smiling at him. Of course, she wasn't there, but disappointment shot through his gut anyway.
"Rin…"
"Hm?"
"We're friends, right?"
He frowned. "What kind of question is that? You're like a brother to me."
"Because…" Sousuke sucked in a shaky breath, but Rin was the one left unnerved by what his friend said next. "I'm thinking of asking Gou out."
His eyes shot open and Rin instantly tried to turn to his friend, flailing and sputtering in the water when he moved too fast. What?
What? What? Whaaaaaat?!
Sousuke continued without missing a beat. "I don't want to be her pretend boyfriend anymore. I want to date her for real."
Grabbing onto the division line between them, Rin stared at him in disbelief before finally opening his mouth. "No."
Sousuke moved to face him, treading the water calmly. "I wasn't asking for your permission, Rin. You're not her father."
Fisting his hands against the division line, he murmured, "I'm her older brother. It's my responsibility to take care of her."
"You can't take care of Gou forever."
"I can," Rin insisted, "and I will."
"Who's the one who has been taking care of her while you were away? Who's the one who will look after her once you leave for America? I've been by Gou's side far longer than you have your entire life, Rin."
"So that gives you the right to date her? Besides, you know little sisters are off-limits."
"Well, that's not up to you to decide, is it now?" Chill blue eyes clashed with a fiery red as Sousuke stared back at Rin. "It's Gou's decision to make."
Clearing his throat, Rin took a moment to brush back the wet locks clinging to his cheek. He dropped his gaze to the water as if hoping to find some sort of answer there. "Gou's too young. Too inexperienced. She doesn't know anything about the outside world let alone about men. All she knows is muscles and school."
It was a pathetic excuse, but it wasn't entirely untrue either.
"It's normal for teenagers like her to date—some even at a younger age. Sometimes they even have children by her age."
"Well, Gou's not going to be having children with anyone when she's only seventeen years old."
"Because she has you by her side?" Sousuke's gaze remained unfaltering.
"Exactly," Rin replied, finding it discomforting to meet his friend's eyes.
"Seventeen may be too young to be popping out babies, but it's not too young to date."
"It is. You know what dating leads to? Kissing… touching… groping—and you know what comes after all that?" Rin shook his head, jaw feathering with tension. "Sex. And once the boy is bored with Gou, he'll dump her and leave her with a broken heart. She doesn't deserve that shit. She already had her heart broken once when Pops died. I don't want her to ever experience that kind of pain again."
Gou deserved only the best, but the problem was that Rin didn't believe there was anyone out there who was good enough for her. Not even himself.
Besides, she still had him. One or two fights doesn't mean a break-up, he told himself. No, right now, they were just going through a rough patch in their relationship. It's a normal thing for all couples to go through that, he knew that much.
What matters is that we work through it together.
What his sister needed right now was space. He would give her all the time she needed to calm down enough to at least listen to him. His main concern at the moment was his own shit. He could wait for Gou to be ready to listen to him, but he didn't know when he'd be ready to tell her the truth.
"I won't do that to your sister, Rin. That's not my idea of what dating means."
"Oh, then what is your idea of dating?"
"For me, dating isn't a hobby but an investment. You date with the goal of marrying what you hope is the right person for you. The person you want to have children and spend the rest of your life with. Why else spend all your time, effort, and money towards someone if not out of love?"
"Are you saying you want to marry and have children with my lil sister?" Rin couldn't help but laugh. The idea was ludicrous! It had to be. He forced out another hard chuckle that came out a bit too awkward.
Sousuke didn't join in on the laughter. Instead, he shrugged. "I've known Gou for almost my whole life. Why not spend the rest of it with her too? Besides, at twenty years old, you and I are near the average age of marriage. It wouldn't be unusual to get married within the next year or two at the earliest, and Gou would be a high school graduate by then."
Suddenly, the grin Rin had stretched across his face fell away. "You're really serious about all this."
"I've always been serious about your sister, Rin," said Sousuke. "I love her."
He loves her? My Gou?
The idea of his best friend being in love with the same woman Rin loved should have frightened him. He should have felt threatened. Instead, what really terrified Rin was the idea that his sister might reciprocate Sousuke's feelings. Maybe not today, but perhaps someday. Maybe Gou still loved him now, but what if she came to love Sousuke more sooner or later?
Rin could imagine it now: his sister in a white gown, heading down the aisle towards him, but turning to face Sousuke to marry him instead. The more he thought of Sousuke's idea, the more it seemed real. A dream come true for his best friend, but a nightmare come true for Rin.
His stomach churned, but he couldn't swallow down the wave of nausea since his mouth had gone dry.
"I… I'm gonna go take a shower," Rin's voice came out hoarse. He swam to the edge, finding himself cold despite the regulated temperature of the pool. "I need to continue packing anyway…"
"... I understand," Sousuke watched him from his lane. "I'll stay a bit longer. I need to do some cool-down stretches for my shoulder."
But Rin's long legs were already carrying him far away from Sousuke and further towards where he could ruminate in misery. He entered the locker room in a daze, dumping his duffel bag unceremoniously on the bench by his locker. It took him three frustrating attempts to get his locker open, nearly banging it until it swung open once he finally got the right combination. Something fluttered to the floor and he swooped a hand down to pick it up. He froze when he realized the photo that had fallen was a more recent picture of his sister, one he'd secretly taken one night after making love together. She'd been naked against him, but the photo showed only her bare shoulder at most. The rest was of her sleeping face, plump lips parted open, a stray lock of hair caught in the corner.
Studying the photo, Rin slowly sat himself down on the bench.
But he realized too late that was a huge mistake.
His body locked up, seemingly reliving everything all over again. Hesitantly, Rin turned his head to look beside him, one hand gripping the edge of the bench so that his knuckles were bone-white.
"You want to fuck me?" The vision of his sister asked at his side, smiling coyly at him.
"G-Go… away…" he whispered.
She took his free hand and held it against her lower belly. His sweaty palm trembled across the wall of muscle and Gou leaned in, lips pressed against his ear. She whispered, low and sultry, "You want to make me pregnant?"
"Shut up! You're not her!" Rin stood up from the bench, legs trembling and neck hot with sweat.
But the vision remained sitting on the bench, smiling knowingly at him.
"Y-You're not Gou!" he panted, leaning against the lockers for support. "You're not her!"
"Of course I'm your sister, Rin," the memory of that day twirled a lock of garnet hair around a manicured finger, doe brown eyes staring up at him. "That's why you wanted to make me pregnant that day. Remember? You tried to fuck a baby into me."
"N-No!" He felt nauseous as if he'd been drugged all over again.
"You left bruises on my hips because you were fucking me so hard," the vision parted her legs onto either side of the bench, pulling aside the bridge of her lacy white panties. A deluge of cum spilled out, pooling onto the bench before spilling down the floor. "You had so much cum in you. You were saving all that cum for me. It's okay, I wanted every last drop of your baby milk."
"Shut the fuck up," he whispered, shaking his head. He spotted semen staining dripping down the lockers across him.
"I had to give you a handjob after because you still had so much cum left." Cherry-glossed lips stretched into a pearly white smile.
Rin jabbed a shaky finger at the vision. "You're not her!"
"Come on, Rin," the vision of his sister leaned back until she was lying across the bench. She moaned quietly, whispering to him, "Come make me pregnant. You know you want to. Come and fuck me like a champ."
"Shut the fuck up, Ami!" he roared, swerving on his heel to slam a fist against his locker.
Pain exploded across his knuckles and he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. When he opened his eyes again, the vision was gone and he found himself alone, the bench empty and the metal of his locker dented in.
In the silence of the locker room, Rin's heart beat wildly in his chest as he continued to tremble with rage. Snarling, he punched his locker again, deepening the dent even more. But the pain was a good distraction and he eyed the reddening skin of his knuckle. Something at the corner of his eye finally drew his attention away and he stooped down to pick up the photo that had fallen once more. The sight of Gou sleeping in the photo eased his heart to a calm pace, but it kept his veins pumping with a mad excitement.
Biting his lip, he let his clothes fall to the floor, taking the photo with him into the showers. The water sprayed cold onto him at first, but it wasn't enough for Rin to lose his erection. Unable to wait for the water to turn warm, he began to stroke his aching cock with one hand, his other hand holding the photo that quickly became soaked under the shower water.
"Gou..!" He groaned quietly, thrusting hard into his hand so that the sound of his flesh joined with the sound of the water pelting the tiled floor. He grabbed the nearby metal bar handle that was meant for the physically handicapped, using it as leverage to to thrust harder, pretending he was thrusting into his sister instead of his hand. Panting beneath the shower stream, he gripped himself tighter. "Gou! Haah! Hah! Gou, I'm gonna make you pregnant! I'm gonna… gonna… f-fuck!"
Spluuurt!
He leaned his forehead against the wall, huffing for air despite the hot steam. Watching the white remains of his semen mix with the water and swirl down the drain, Rin stepped back and punched the wall. Blood dripped from his split knuckles, the red tangling with the white on the tiled floor. The bit of blood and cum soon washed away and he stepped back under the hot stream of water to wash away the rest. And yet, Rin still felt dirty.
Inside and out.
.
.
.
The room had been quiet since their return from the gym. If anyone were to visit them right now, they'd think nothing was strange about a student doing his homework while his roommate packed his stuff away. But both roommates knew better.
They'd left for a swim in the hopes that it'd rid any tension or awkwardness that remained between them. They had returned feeling more tense and awkward than before. Of course, they both knew it was best not to address the issue because clearly it would only exacerbate things. Rin and Sousuke each had their own opinions and nothing could change either mind on the matter. Perhaps if they were younger and more innocent, they'd have come to a resolution and gotten over it. But they were men now, and they were at the age when even a swim race wasn't enough to fix everything.
Still, Rin didn't want to leave things as they were now. Sousuke was his best friend—practically a brother—and he had no intention of breaking up one of his oldest, most precious friendships right before having to disappear for seven years.
He was the one who initiated things last time when he proposed to swim. This time, it's only fair that I be the one to reach out to him.
Although Rin thought that, he couldn't bear to just apologize when he still disagreed with Sousuke about Gou. Besides, apologizing would mean accepting Sousuke and giving him his blessing to date Gou, which Rin did not want.
So instead of saying 'sorry', Rin found himself saying, "So, are you gonna attend the party next week?"
Sousuke's eyes flicked up at him before falling down to the book he'd been reading. The sound of a page turning filled the silence, and then, "Well, it's your party. I can't miss that."
"Technically, it's not my party. Ai is the one hosting it and it was his idea."
"But it's your farewell party. Although I guess that was never really your thing, huh? What about your, uh, family? Are they ready to say goodbye?"
"I'm pretty sure they're used to it by now. It's just…" Hesitating, Rin picked up an item sitting atop his bedside drawer.
"Just what?"
"Just… last time, when I left for Australia, Gou was crying so hard as if she thought she'd never see me again. Mom had to pry her off me so that I could leave. But this time..." Rin swept his thumb across the fourteen-year-old Gou smiling at him in her yellow sundress, her warm expression captured by the camera and framed forever. "This time, I don't think Gou cares at all. Not anymore…"
Sousuke peered at him over the book he'd been reading. "What makes you say that?"
"I mean, besides the fact that she won't talk to me, Gou is older now. She's probably used to saying goodbye and I wouldn't be surprised if she finds it too exhausting to keep on caring. I'm sure my absence would hardly affect her. Maybe she doesn't need me anymore," Rin mumbled, biting back the bitterness rising in him.
Maybe she doesn't want me anymore either.
"I don't know about that. Give it another chance. Talk to her. Even if she's not willing to talk to you, she might still be willing to at least listen."
"Y-Yeah," he blinked at his friend's change in demeanor. Clearing his throat, he nodded. "Yeah, that… that sounds like a good idea. Thanks."
Looking him up and down, Sousuke asked, "You all right?"
"Fine. Why?"
"You've been clenching and unclenching your hands since we got back."
"Oh," Glancing at his hands fisted at his side, Rin forced them to relax and open. His nails had left crescent-moon marks on his palm and he resisted the urge to ball his hands again. "Guess I drank too much coffee earlier."
"Right… Listen, Rin, about earlier at the pool…"
"You did a good job back there, but you should let your shoulder rest. You were swimming pretty hard."
"You know I'm not talking about that." Setting down his book, Sousuke sighed. "Listen, while I'm serious about Gou, I also understand where you're coming from. She lost her father at a young age and you're the only man in her life who looked after her. You practically had to act as both her big brother and father. In a way, you raised Gou."
"Yeah," Rin shifted uncomfortably. The idea of being both a father and brother to Gou didn't sit well with him even though it was supposed to be well-intentioned. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."
"So she will always be the little sister you feel responsible for. The sister you have to protect and love… But Gou is also her own person. Are you going to stop her from making her own choices?"
Rin stayed silent, unwilling to answer when he hated the answer with every fiber of his being. The truth was that is Gou ever chose to leave him for Sousuke then he would have no choice but to let her go. Because he loved her far too much to ever pick his happiness over her own. And if her happiness meant his misery, then so be it. It was as much her choice as it was his.
Rin knew he was never meant to have everything in life.
He knew he certainly was never meant to have her.
A/N: If you look closely at the conversations between Sousuke and Gou, and Sousuke and Rin, you'll find that Sousuke isn't really on either sibling's side. He's not on Rin's side, but he's also not on Gou's side. Although he seems to be acting in Gou's favor, it doesn't necessarily mean he's doing it out of altruism or for her. A character can do something for another character but still be on nobody's side but their own side. There are bad guys (like Ami), yes, but there are no good guys. Because no character is perfect, and in this story, there is no such thing as a hero/heroine.
Also, more was supposed to happen at the end, but it would have made this chapter too long, so the next update will be a bit shorter than usual. On the bright side, a short update means a shorter wait?