25: From the Coast

"How is she?"

You're waiting for the light to change so you can cross. You're on the way back from an interview at the marina and you'd decided to drop by one of yours and Lena's favorite food trucks to grab you and her some lunch when Sam's call goes through.

J'onn had restored her memories soon after Crisis, after Alex had made very good points about how after the adversities you'd all faced surrounding Reign and her Kryptonian ties and what with Lex Luthor out, she and Ruby would be best kept safe by the knowledge of the complete truth of the past. And while Ruby, only fifteen, isn't made aware that her Aunt Lena's philanthropic king of a brother is an actual psychopathic xenophonic megalomaniac, it's enough that her mother does and can keep them far from his reach.

"Better." Sam answers. You hear cupboards opening and shutting and the sound of perhaps a percolator in the background. "She's had one beer a night, just one, goes jogging in the mornings, runs drills with Ruby in the afternoons, they make dinner. They've got a pretty good routine down. How about our girl there?"

"She's... Amazing." You reply, unable to stop the wide smile that always comes when thinking about Lena.

Sam laughs on the other end. "Yeah, I know. But I mean how's she doing?"

You blush, grateful that Sam is in a whole different coast from you and can't see your face flame in embarrassment at how love-struck you constantly feel even by just the thought of Lena.

"She's good. She's tough." You say. Short. Keep it short so you don't ramble and embarrass yourself further.

"That she is. She staying safe?"

You groan. "Her brother is a real... Piece of work, you know? Dropped by her office a couple of days ago after the stunt he pulled on her projects a couple of months ago."

"You know, you're an adult, you can say asshole."

You think about it before allowing some of the anger you feel color your response. "He's such a jerk."

She laughs again. "Not all hope is lost. We'll get you up to ass in no time. I heard Maggie cuffed her to a chair?"

"Yeah," You sigh, "last week. This week it was rope. She's running Lena ragged."

You do not, absolutely do not, appreciate the scratches and bruises their training sessions are leaving on Lena. It's not that you don't appreciate Maggie's concern and effort, or even Lena's willingness to let herself be trained. If anything, it shows how seriously she's taking this thing with her brother, and you're grateful for that, really. You know you can't protect her at all times, though you're certainly going to try, and you certainly want Lena prepared and as well-equipped for any eventualities, but still, you can't help the anxiety and pain you yourself feel at any reminder of threats to Lena' s safety and her discomfort.

You're doing better, you are. Really. You're hardly caught unawares now by sudden world shattering fear. Most of your fears have abated under Lena's constant love and light, her strength and bravery. But there are still moments when you just can't wait for all of it to be over.

Lena safe is your most basic need, up there along with air, water, sunlight. Rao, that makes you sound like a plant. But even sleep isn't on there. You can be a zombie doped up on caffeine. There doesn't even need to be food either, though heck, of course it's more than welcome. But Lena safe... Yes. You'd give up your powers if it meant her safety. You'd give up all your abilities if it were the price for her life.

But it's not. Your powers and your life aren't being asked for in exchange for hers. It would be so much easier if it were. But the universe doesn't work that way. Megalomaniac psychopaths don't work that way.

"Have you two told Alex about Maggie? How she's helping Lena?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say anything about that, Sam." You say carefully. "I'm still not sure what Lena was thinking when she reached out to Maggie... Not that I'm not glad for it. I am. I really really am. She's great. I'd forgotten how smart and tough she was. She's so brave and loyal. And she loves Lena, you know? She's a really great person to have in your corner and I'm so glad she is."

"I know..." Sam replies. "I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her but she really did seem great. And Lena's only ever had wonderful things to say about her even considering the fact that she arrested her once."

"Yeah..." You say ruefully. "That was not a good day."

"I imagine it was as difficult for you as it was for her."

"Not possible." You dismiss quickly. "They put her in jail! I think I was irrationally mad about that for a while."

"Exactly." Sam chuckles as if it makes perfect sense, though it doesn't to you. "But I think it had to do with not giving up on family... Lena reaching out I mean. And Alex. You know how she talks about Maggie."

And yes, yes you do. You hadn't for a while, Alex hadn't talked to you about it and you'd understood. There's always something about your telling Alex, her telling you, that meant you had to face whatever problems there were head on. And though you do always have each other's backs, always there to support and comfort and listen and just be, there's also always been the unspoken pact of "we break now but we get back up" you and she have. And you know Alex hadn't wanted to. Alex hadn't wanted to for a long time and you'd had to respect that.

Lena hasn't been telling you what Alex has been saying, but it didn't take a genius to figure out it had to do with Maggie when she so suddenly just reached out. You'd been worried, of course, not just about Alex, but about Maggie. She'd always been a bit of a wild card, you hadn't really been able to spend a lot of time with her in the past, and even now, but what you did see and know of her, you certainly respected.

And so you'd worried- about what your sister was going through, about what it meant for her and Kelly. Because you know chemistry and passion was never really the problem between Alex and Maggie, and it's hard to walk away from something that was all-encompassing and then have it just all come crashing down. Back then, you'd been of the opinion that your sister should have everything she wants because she deserves it. You love your sister, wholly, completely, absolutely. And she's always going to deserve the best. And perhaps, that just wasn't Maggie. Not if she couldn't make all of Alex's dreams come true. Because your sister deserves that, she does.

"Yeah..." You answer, sighing. "I think this will all just blow up in our faces. I don't think Lena actually understands what it all means. Kelly's out here all alone and we're also all she has. If she and Alex fall out, everything's going to be crazy. And that is not something we need right now."

"No." Sam agrees with a hum on the other end.

You suddenly feel emboldened to disclose more. Sam's calm and openness, her distance, maturity and intelligence, spurring you on. "I don't really know what they're doing." You continue, honestly if a bit sheepishly. You're not sure you should say the things you're thinking out loud. "I'm worried about what will happen to Kelly. You haven't met Nia and Brainy yet, but they just broke up a few months ago. And it was awful. Brainy's from the future and Nia's just lost her mom and her sister has virtually cut her out because she's got abilities and her sister doesn't, and it's just awful trying to keep everything together. It's just started to get better on that front and now Alex and Kelly... And then you add Maggie to the mix. Can you imagine? It'd be like a constant stab through the heart for everyone involved."

"Whoa, okay... I've sure missed a lot." Sam breathes.

You continue, your anxiety bubbling to the surface. "And what's going to happen? Alex and Kelly will break up and still be good friends? Maggie comes back for game nights and she and Alex get back together and Kelly finds someone else in the next few months and everyone just becomes family and lives happily ever after? It's insane, Sam. This is all insane. That's not going to happen."

"Did you want Lena to not have reached out to Maggie?"

"What? No! We never should've had to do that anyway. We never should have let Maggie go just like that. That's not what family does, and she was. She is family."

"Did you want Alex to have never said anything? Did you want her to keep it all bottled up, keep lying and pretending even to herself?"

"No! Sam, that's not what I mean." You say almost desperately. "I love Alex, it's not... It's not her fault. It's just the way it is. And she shouldn't have to..."

"But that's kind of what you're saying... Love and relationships are complicated, Kara." Sam says firmly.

"I know that." You respond, voice rising enough that you catch the attention of some of the people around you and you fight to keep yourself in control. "They loved each other, Sam. I saw that, I lived that. I saw and felt how much they loved each other, how happy they made each other. And I thought that was it, you know. I thought, that that kind of love, that kind of relationship, that's what I want. It's everything love stories are made of. And then it wasn't. And they let each other go. "

"Are you..." Sam begins then stops, hesitant. "Are you angry they let each other go?"

And you stop right in the middle of the sidewalk, looking up at the sky, phone pressed to your ear. "I could never let go of Lena." You say softly, your heart clenching painfully in your chest at the thought. "I know they loved each other. I know. I know. I do. But it wasn't enough then. It just wasn't. And what makes it enough now?"

"Kara..."

"I couldn't let her go if I wanted to, Sam." You say again. "And I don't want to. But even if I did, I couldn't do it. Lena is... Lena... I just... I couldn't. I don't need anything like I need her. I don't want anything the way I want her. There's nothing before her. She's first, and she's my only... I don't... I don't want anything, I don't need anything, if I don't have her too. I don't want a future without her. I don't need children or the freedom that comes without having them without her. Fuck, Sam. I don't need another day if it's without her."

You breathe deeply, your eyes misting with tears and you brush them away, forging ahead. "Do you know how terrifying it is to not want a future without someone? To know such true happiness that everything else pales in comparison? I've lived before, and I've loved before. And I knew what happiness was. But Lena… Nothing compares to how Lena makes me feel. And why would I ever choose to be without that? Why would I ever choose to be without her?"

"It's beautiful, Kara. Your love is beautiful. But you've also been through so much, so much more than regular people go through in one lifetime. You've dealt with loss and grief and pain, and your love is the way it is because of all you've had to go through, all you've experienced." She responds soothingly. "I know how Lena loves you, Kara. And it works for you and it works for her. I think... I think your love is precisely what Lena needs. The things she's gone through too, it's not normal."

"I used to hate being here." You say, your voice rough and emotional. "I used to feel so betrayed by my parents. On an intellectual level I understood why they did it. I should have been grateful, and I was. Of course I was, but it's been so difficult. I don't know what I would've done without Alex. But I've been such a burden to her too. I've kept her from so much and I can't change the past. I didn't choose to come here, to be left with them. And I'm grateful. I'm so so grateful it was them because they loved me and accepted me and I love them so much. So so much, Sam. But inside, I couldn't understand why I had to be here. They didn't have to ever know me. They didn't need me. They would have been safer and better off without me... But I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I was here and I was with them and I got lucky. But it never felt necessary. It didn't make sense. I kept looking for it, trying to make sense of it. I clung to Supergirl, because why else is a Kryptonian here if not to save Earth? What am I for? How do I make up for all the pain and heartache I caused the Danvers, tearing them apart just by entering their lives and existing?"

"Kara, you know that's not what they think. You know they love you." Sam protests.

"I know. Because they're good. They're good, amazing people, and I'm so so lucky." You agree. "But they didn't need me, and Kal didn't need me, and I could've just... I could've just never made it here and that would have been okay."

Your heart is pounding in your chest, and it's the thought of Lena that helps you calm. Always Lena. Always. "And then I met Lena." You tell her, your tone more wistful at the memory than emotional from your previous rememberings. "And I thought... To feel that love. Maybe the universe didn't hate me. Maybe it wasn't all just pain and trying to do good and be worthy of just this amazing life everyone seems to have just conspired and sacrificed to give me. I had something for me. A reason to be here. A reason for me, just me, not for a planet or the world, not a multiverse or the universe. And now... I have her. It makes sense. I had to be here because she's here. I had to find her. And I have. And I'll always, always find her."

"That's a beautiful love, Kara." Sam says again. "You're lucky to have and love each other. But there are many different kinds of love. And one isn't less than the other."

"I'm not saying it is." You say, anxious to clarify. "I don't want Alex to going get hurt again. She's already hurting again and it's worse than before. And Maggie… Sam, Maggie's just going to hurt again too. And what will it all be for? Have things really changed? Alex wants children and Maggie doesn't. Their love wasn't enough then, what makes it enough now?"

Because you've seen it in Maggie's eyes, the love and longing, in your brief calculated mentions of your sister. You'd seen Alex break, finally finally, choking, gasping, sputtering as she'd finally broken under the pretense and lies she'd buried herself under.

"I don't know, Kara. I don't." Sam replies, voice still soft and soothing. "But this world keeps almost ending. No, our world did end, we all died and now we've all been brought to this Earth we've got to now share with everyone who didn't even exist in the same plane before. Don't you think they at least deserve a chance to figure it out? If Lena hadn't loved you back, Kara, would it still have been worth it to be here and love her?"

Your heart aches. It aches and aches and aches. Because Lena's love... It's extraordinary. It's beautiful and wondrous, breathtaking and staggering. And it would be excruciating to ever be without it.

But yes. "Yes." You tell her because it's true. You don't want to have never known what it's like to love Lena Luthor.