During Volume 12 Chapter 1
Coldness saps strength. For us, who have spent from morning to night on our feet wandering from place to place, the frigidness of the air stole what little vitality we had left. Heat tends to flow where there more energy to where there was less. Put another way, coldness always steals from warmth.
My name was "snow". I was, by definition, coldness itself. If coldness exasperated fatigue, then that would explain why my body had a low stamina capacity. It could also explain why I was like a thief. My older sister's walk of life, my friend's desires, all of these were things I had claimed for myself in some way, while I barely knew what I wanted to do with those things.
My legs had grown sore, and my mind had grown weary. Both Yuigahama and Hikigaya fared no better, their gaits seeming noticeably unsteady.
Yuigahama suggested that we sat down and took a break. Hikigaya and I had no reason to refuse. We entered a nearby park situated quite close to the waters. Nobody else was nearby.
Yuighama spotted a bench and graciously skipped over, expending what little energy she had left. She plopped down. Hikigaya naturally followed after her, a consequence of our walking formation, and sat down himself. I, too, carefully settled myself on the cold bench.
Through pure coincidence, Hikigaya found himself seated between Yuigahama and me. Tiredness showed clearly on face, and his lack of facial reactions gave a sense of stoicism. Even so, it was not possible for him to stay completely still, as he re-adjusted his clothing and rubbed his hands together. Every so often, our knees would knock into each other. At every instance, I was surprised at how much heat could result from such a light collision, a blooming contrast to the cold air.
I gazed up at the sky. The sun was gone, leaving behind an expanse of darkness, decorated with falling white dots of snow.
Ephemerality was mesmerizing. Life's transience was one obsession held during the Romantic era in Europe. I could begin to understand why. Simply observe the snow that fell. Each flake's regular crystalline structure formed a kind of beauty that simultaneously encompassed order and creativity. It made one wonder about the artistic workings that gave rise to such fascinating things. Yet, each snowflake was anything but sturdy. Contact with any kind of surface would result in the disassembly of that beauty, either becoming part of an aggregate of frost or transforming into liquid droplets. The beauty of the snow existed only within that transient flake form.
In the grand scheme of things, our trip to the aquarium could be considered a brief and bewildering moment of respite. I was mesmerized at the things that dazzled around me, whether it was the vividness of the corals or the radiance of Yuigahama's smile. I could only be so satisfied because I knew that what came afterward would be cruel and unfair in comparison.
Snow would inevitably melt, come spring. Pile as much of it as you wanted, but it would be gone by the middle of April. It would be a long wait until the next winter. With such a wait, there was no guarantee that the next winter would be the same as the previous.
Yearning for things past and awaiting the new spring to come, the two contradictory scenes had stopped us, the dilemma being shared by the girl who was currently separated from me by the width of one boy. However, from which end the scales tipped, I could not bear to ponder.
"Want to drink something?" asked Hikigaya.
Neither looking at Yuigahama nor I, his head was facing a different direction. Catching sight of the object of his attention, I made out a vending machine. With the thought of a beverage coming into my mind, my throat suddenly felt dry. Awareness of it caused the inside of my mouth to feel as barren as a desert.
I met eyes with Yuigahama for a moment. She seemed as parched as I was. We nodded our heads. In response, Hikigaya nodded his head. He stood up and walked towards the vending machine, making crackling, crunching sounds from crushing the light layer of snow on the ground.
A space was left behind. The gap between Yuigahama and I seemed to grow colder, with the absence of a human being. Neither of us made any movement. We shouldn't, after all. It was Hikigaya's spot.
Sounds of metal clanging could be heard faintly in the distance. The lack of occupants in this park left the sound space quite empty. The source of those sounds was Hikigaya operating the vending machine. He withdrew cans from it, one after another. He alternated the cans between his hands, probably because they were quite hot. When he began walking back towards the bench, I realized that I had been staring in his direction for quite a while. I swiftly averted my eyes.
However, where my eyes landed on next was Yuigahama. She, too, had been, and still was, gazing at Hikigaya.
The crunching of snow grew closer to us. I expected the figure of that boy to re-take his spot beside us, to settle his hunched body back onto the bench. Yet, the crunching abruptly stopped.
Streetlights illuminated Hikigaya's form. His shadow draped over the empty spot. He stood very close to us, but he did not sit back down.
Without looking at us, Hikigaya wordlessly passed Yuigahama and me hot cans of red tea. After doing so, he put his hands in his pockets and remained standing where he was, as troubling as it was.
Whether it was from mere awkwardness or great self-deprecation, Hikigaya's actions, or lack thereof, were consistent with what we knew about him. To avoid misunderstandings or to have a misguided sense of consideration, he, stood from a short distance away, ever watchful. Yet, I could detect, from his uneasy expression, that there was a something slightly greater than that mere awkwardness.
I opened my can of tea and welcomed its aromatic warmth. The familiarity of the flavours combined with its heat dispersed the nighttime coldness from my body in a comforting manner.
There was a sound of crinkling. I looked up. Hikigaya had withdrawn a delicate plastic bag. Housed in it were cookies, delicately crafted. They were not precision-crafted from a cold factory machine. Each cookie had approximations of uniformity, with slight imperfections that set each cookie apart. Monumental effort was made to ensure their presentation, even knowing the limitations of human hands.
"Those are really beautiful…" I muttered.
The cookies were baked for Hikigaya, placed into a gift bag to give to Hikigaya, and delivered directly to Hikigaya by Yuigahama's own hands. Seeing the fruits firsthand, I was thoroughly astonished. They were absolutely and outstandingly beautiful.
Yuigahama pointed at the bag and said, "Yup! The bag and masute, I took a really long time to find them."
"Huh? Masute?" said Hikigaya in confusion, "Is that some greeting from India?"
"The greeting is namasute," I replied in exasperation, "And she's talking about the masking tape."
Upon closer inspection, one could see that the plastic bag was held together by masking tape. Masking tape is typically used for more crude and wholly functional purposes, though Yuigahama used it sparingly and in an appropriate colour to bind the bag together. As a result, the bag looked quite natural.
Hikigaya looked at me critically and spoke, "It's a surprise that you know so much pointless information about greetings despite not really doing many greetings of your own."
Well, that was quite frankly, wrong. It must be selective recall at work because I do greet people regularly, like a normal person. And, for well-adjusted individuals, greetings served an important function.
"Are you stupid? With the proper greeting, the atmosphere will quickly turn into that of a friendly conversation," I responded with my index finger pointed upwards, "The set phrases for greetings are a must to know."
If one were to meet a foreigner, even if one's mastery of their foreign language was low, a friendly greeting was a common way to bridge any divide. Even if one did not have the time to learn every language there was on Earth, learning at least a few stock phrases, like greetings, would still do wonders.
Although, Hikigaya may have already realized that and more.
"Well, if it's you, a greeting would probably count as a conversation too," I said bitterly.
For this poor and lonely boy, ignoring the absolute amount of times he spoke, of the number of times he opened his mouth, it can be assumed that they consisted of little more than greetings.
"Ah true," said Hikigaya while nodding vigorously, "That's why I try to avoid greeting people."
"Hikki, are you really that bad at making small talk!?" shouted Yuigahama.
At Yuighama's stunned face, Hikigaya could only return with a wry smile.
Remembering what he had been floundering about for, he gave the bag in his hands another curious look-over. He turned it over in his hands a few times, appreciating its structure, although with focus on the masking tape. Still looking curious, he suddenly turned his eyes in my direction. He still seemed to be wondering about the masking tape.
"Masking tape. It was originally used for the purpose of sealing things. However, it has recently been used for decorations and design purposes," I explained.
I was not just talking about the "masking" function of masking tape used to prevent certain areas of a structure from being painted. The tape itself was now used in decorating arts and crafts, even being able to be found on consumer goods.
"Yup! There are many cute ones too, it's very mainstream!" said Yuigahama with sparkling eyes, "It's commonly used for packaging or on notepads."
Having understood a few more things, Hikigaya returned his eyes to the bag once again. However, his curiosity seemed to have evolved. Rather than being like a child not understanding but wanting to know, he appraised the bag with the eye of a connoisseur. He nodded to himself, seeming greatly pleased.
"Well, about the taste…" restlessly spoke Yuigahama, "I don't have much confidence, but I did my best."
Yuigahama averted her eyes and shifted her thighs around. It was not too surprising. After all, she had just given the most blunt and tactless person on Earth free reign to criticize the cookies inside of the bag.
However, his next words lacked any sort of criticism or insults.
"…Yes, I am pretty sure of that."
He replied straightforwardly without dancing with sophistry nor clowning around with ridiculous phrases. It was nothing but acknowledgement.
He recognized that she put every ounce of effort she could muster into those cookies. He acknowledged the gift itself, not automatically refusing it. He acknowledged Yuigahama herself. He took care not to damage that bag as he held it. He protected it because it was a gift from Yuigahama.
Yuigahama seemed surprised, but only for a second. Suddenly, she stuck her index finger into the air.
"Right? Hikki, didn't you say that before?" she haughtily spoke, "Something about 'as long as one tries their best', or something like that."
During the early days of our club, solving one of our first requests, Hikigaya did say those exact words. It involved Yuigahama and her poor cooking skills. Rather than addressing the cooking ability of the requestee like one would normally do, he, instead, warped the situation itself, rewriting its premises. He convinced her that the status quo was good enough, erasing her original needs.
Although, Hikigaya didn't seem to pleased to have his past acts recalled.
"…You still remember that?' he mumbled, burrowing his mouth into his collar.
"Well, that… instead of saying that I remember it, it's more like I couldn't possibly forget it. See, at the very beginning, I was a little taken aback by those words, and so… Well, Hikki's always saying stuff like that."
Yuigahama rambled on and on, fumbling here and there, and did some odd stretches. Even she could not talk about her past actions with a straight face. Looking back at our immaturity was not something that one could do without rolling around in one's bed at night to cope. The stranger thing was that the people around you would merely shrug, no matter how awkward it was for yourself. That was, unless they, too, were involved with that same awkward thing. If that was the case, the two of you would be set for a head-on collision, embarrassment exponentially amplified.
I witnessed such a collision unfolding in front of me. Both Hikigaya and Yuigahama could not stop shifting around.
With averted eyes, Yuigahama added, "Well, I've already gotten used to it."
Amused, I spoke, "Yes, he really betrays people's expectations."
"Yup yup," Yuigahama agreed with me whole-heartedly.
Looking back , it would be stranger to actually find Hikigaya behaving in a fashion expected of an ordinary person. Typically, he would go to extreme lengths to keep himself on the sidelines, to blend in with the walls like a chameleon. If he was forced to make his move, his lack of common sense would cause him to propose the unthinkable. Even worse, you could see him actually looking hurt if his unreasonable plans were shot down.
As expected, Hikigaya looked at me with a frown, his unhappiness exacerbating his dead-fish look.
"Regarding that, I don't think I am the only one. Aren't you the same too, Nanameshita-san?"
"What's with that suspicious way of addressing me?" I shot back.
Turning my words back on me, he designated me as one who was suboptimal. The way he transplanted such an odd part of my original sentence into my family name was rather annoying. Taking random parts of the conversation and turning them into insults, who else would do such a thing?
While I shot him a disapproving glare, Hikigaya merely rolled his eyes, as if he were declaring that what he said was obvious. However, I had hardly a clue as to what he could be getting it. After all, if nothing else, I tried to meet expectations.
"Uhh… Like the animal therapy..?"
Yuigahama supplied the follow-up. At first, I stared at her blankly in confusion. It took a few moments, but I managed to recall a past event.
During a short time after the establishment of our club, we had a request wherein we tried to get Kawasaki Saki to open up to her little brother Taichi. In that circumstance, I had suggested animal therapy. Animals — cats in particular — had a calming effect on people (which was especially potent when the animal was a cat). My idea was to have Kawasaki encounter a cat, hoping that the stress relief would make it easier for her to speak with her brother. Unfortunately, that planned was halted when we learned that she was allergic to cats. Poor girl.
"Yes yes, stuff like that," said Hikigaya while nodding, "Though I'm not sure if that was below or above expectations."
Hikigaya briefly shot me an accusatory glance, as if I had an ulterior motive. Well, I couldn't fully deny that, not that it was something to admit. However, it should have been fine since it was meant to accomplish our primary objectives anyway.
"Hmm… I wonder. She's so smart is what I thought, but…" said Yuigahama before trailing off.
I shot Yuigahama a cold glare to silence her. She was likely about to say something very, very rude. For her own sake, she ought to keep her mouth shut. Insulting people and pointing out their weaknesses in front of them was cruel and sadistic, and she should not partake in such behaviour.
Yuigahama instantly sat up straight.
"B-But still!" spoke Yuigahama while flustered, "Yukinon also acts on instinct sometimes!"
While she had meant to change the topic, she stumbled upon another thing that wasn't exactly nice to say. Yet, if anything, not using one's head was a more apt description of not me but Yuigahama.
"Aren't you talking about yourself?" I said accusingly.
"O-Of course not!" denied Yuigahama, "Look, when we were playing card games, I did use my head…"
A little after the request regarding Kawasaki, we took care of a request regarding Zai-something-or-other. We ended up playing daifugo, or rather, "double daifugo" against the United Gamers club, with the victory condition being the goal of our request. We were being beaten like dogs, and it really seemed like Yuigahama and I would lose. Somehow, Yuigahama managed to clinch a win at the very end.
"I feel like you were just lucky…" I muttered.
During that time, that fat delusional boy was arguing with the gamer's club about dreams versus reality. Reality conflicted with dreams. Yet, sometimes, luck could upend reality, allowing one to achieve their dreams.
Although, the reality of that situation was rather grim. Looking back at it, the "dreams" part of that situation was rather weak in the first place, so there was no need to risk our skin (quite literally) for it.
"W-Why should it matter? Luck is also a measure of one's true ability," rambled Yuigahama, "It was my birthday on that day too, so having good luck was to be expected. Good things happen on a day like that, and I was quite happy… and yeah…"
Yuigahama gradually receded as she tried but failed to find legitimate justifications.
"So you were lucky because it was your birthday…" I muttered.
What an illogical statement. But even supposing that was true, the victory would have to be wholly attributed to the birthday itself and not to Yuigahama. Even if luck could overcome reality at times, it would be difficult to say that the results could be attributed to her own efforts.
"Does it matter?! I won, and that's good enough!" exclaimed Yuigahama as she pounded her legs.
She pouted, giving me a look that said that I was too demanding. Perhaps I was. It was a girl like Yuigahama who could justify the means with the end. Even if she were to be hurt along the way, and even if her precise expectations were not met, she could still find herself looking forward and smiling. She was not like Hikigaya nor I, who would spend all day brooding and contemplating. Rather, she would take the disappointment in her hands and drag it along to where it needs to be — and perhaps turn it into happiness. That was optimism, something that she had the most of, among the three of us.
It was a long time ago, and it did turn out on the plus side, rather than negative, even if it felt pointless. Though things were flawed, Yuigahama was correct. We ought to bask in the glory of victory, not dwell on misgivings.
"Well… winning is a good thing after all," I said.
Hikigaya let out a low-pitched, creepy sort of muffle laughter, with half of his disgusting grin buried in his scarf.
"Here we go again, with that 'I hate losing' attitude," he muttered.
Astonished at his reaction, I spoke, "You sound like you enjoy losing."
"Not really… I try my best to win every time," he argued.
His words were unconvincing. In a casual conversation, background knowledge of the people conversing and a bit of faith are enough to trust what the other person was saying. However, Hikigaya was the low-energy kind of person. Although he had a normal amount of stamina (since he did like riding bikes), he would usually be the last person to willfully make an effort.
Yuigahama, too, looked unconvinced. She heaved the same sigh that she would usually make in response to Hikigaya's ramblings.
Hikigaya cleared his throat and continued, "Just like that time during tennis and judo…"
There were a few little incidents we were involved in that involved sports. As Hikigaya had mentioned, there was that time where we faced off against Hayama Hayato to resolve a conflict regarding the usage of a tennis court. There was also that incident where we had to coerce a nosy former Judo Club captain from harassing their club's new members via (unsurprisingly) judo.
"Now that you remind me, I do think your efforts went to a bad and painful waste," I tiredly spoke.
During that tennis match, Hikigaya managed to eke out a win against Hayama. What was it that let him do it, something pretentious like the patterns of the wind? Hikigaya did lose in that judo match, though he came close. Though he was an amateur, he riled up that former captain with words, causing the former captain to make mistakes. In my opinion, he put his efforts into totally the wrong thing. To achieve good results at a sport, one should practice the sport, not rely on underhanded methods. Look at how his underhandedness rewarded him. If asked about how satisfied we were about the results of those incidents, we would probably shrug.
Hikigaya vehemently denied, "There was no such thing. My bones didn't break. It was just that my waist was hurt and painful during that time doing judo."
"It was just a figure of speech," I said.
It seemed like he was misunderstanding what I had said. More importantly, he mentioned that he did get pain in his waist. That's serious.
"Anyway, did you go to see a doctor? Waist pains may have long term effects. It could have negative effects in the future," I said as I pointed at his waist.
Painfulness around the waist and lower back are not to be taken lightly. It could mean that the spine is affected. Failing to treat spine injuries could have life-long issues. I did not want to see Hikigaya hobble around or end up in a wheelchair.
"What's with that surprising amount of concern?! I-I too am very concerned as well," exclaimed Yuigahama.
Taken aback, Hikigaya replied, "I did go, although it was just to an osteopathic clinic, but I did manage to get a formal excuse from gym class."
"You did what?!" shouted Yuigahama, "To think I was still worried for you!"
Rather than a regretful look, Hikigaya returned a skeptical one. Putting aside Hikigaya's questionable ethics (of which there was plenty of), we did brush off his injury, treating it just as another conversation topic back then. We weren't so close then, before the summer. But now, tinges of regret creeped on me like little fingers.
Yuigahama looked a little guilty, herself. She abruptly changed the topic.
"But, those sorts of idiotic activities were fun, the ones where everyone is involved."
"…Really?" questioned Hikigaya.
"Yes, with Yumiko, Hina, Hayato-kun, Sai-chan, and Komachi-chan…" wistfully spoke Yuigahama, "It was fun playing with all of them. Like that time during summer break."
"Rinkan School, right?" I spoke, trying to recall, "Putting the issue of whether it was fun or not aside, it was indeed very lively… You haven't forgotten her, have you?"
Tsurumi Rumi. During our time supervising a camp of elementary school students, that child stood out — in the worst possible way. Her circumstances were anything but amusing.
Bullying. She would stand by or even partake. The surroundings suffocating her, binding her hands to the hilt of the sword.
Bullied. She was to standby as her classmates partook. The surroundings suffocated her, slicing her hands with the blade of the sword.
In either circumstance, her will was not her own. She held an obsession to blend in with the rest, whether that obsession was natural or forced onto her. To desire to get along with others was like the desires of Hayama Hayato and Yuigahama Yui. Yet, to not stand amongst the rest like a monarch but rather to ride the flow, she was closer to being like Yuigahama.
Yet, she was neither airheaded like Yuigahama nor did she possess a disgusting kind of gall like Hayama. She had tried to become a part of the "everyone" in order to form relationships. Yet, she was fully conscious that her efforts yielded no real rewards. Pressures mounted from her parents and her own desires. Armed with the knowledge yet having none of the ability, she had trodden the path of Hikigaya Hachiman. Fed up with trying to change herself to suit the "everyone", she chose to isolate. She chose to avoid the influence of the system by standing far away in the surroundings.
"There was still Hiratsuka-sensei," said Yuigahama, "Well, she's the teacher, so it would be hard to say we were all playing together."
Hikigaya cautiously added, "…But, I do think that she had fun."
Hikigaya used a euphemism. I was grateful for it, but "fun" was not a word that was suitable.
In the end, we chose to push them to the brink. Tsurumi Rumi did not value the relationships she held with her peers. We attempted removed those bindings by force, to reset everything to nothing. Yet, at the last moment, there was a flash of light. From zero, one sprang. No, it was closer to zero-point-one. Tsurumi's bright show of heroics erupted, and a rushing departure followed, at a pace that would nonetheless be at a snail's if compared to a serious high schooler. But that girl would have known that.
Our cruel plan was to blast away the problem. The "everyone" fell to dark temptations, yet Tsurumi fell to bright ones. It was certainly a miracle. Yet, it could also be called a disaster. There was the undeniable fact that their relationships were laid to waste. In addition, rather than taking refuge in Hikigaya's complete zero, Tsurumi had, herself, planted a tiny seed. How that seed would grow would be completely out of our hands.
Hikigaya remained rooted on his feet. He took a sip of his beverage, seeming to be without a care in the world.
His lack of worry was the correct response. After all, we had recently witnessed that seed sprout into a Christmas tree.
"The fireworks were fun too," spoke Yuigahama.
"Fireworks, huh?" muttered Hikigaya.
The two of them raised their heads, gazing into the night sky. There was, of course, nothing but that blackness above their heads.
"You still remember?" teasingly spoke Yuigahama.
Hikigaya responded with a shrug, "Well, Although I didn't do anything, that day was something I remember."
Yuigahama giggled softly, not in mockery but with fondness.
Going by chronology, they were most likely speaking not of the fireworks at Destiny land but of the fireworks during a festival in the summer. It was something that I was not unaware of. Yuigahama has spoken of it. However, that didn't change the fact that I was not present with the two of them at the time.
They lapsed into silence. Perhaps they were reminiscing about the scenery of that time. What did they see that day? Colourful explosions and rains of sparks? Perhaps it wasn't what they saw that captivated them, for it was these specific fireworks that Yuigahama had brought up twice today. It was a precious memory that I was not privy to, even if Yuigaham had wished it were so.
I found myself sighing before I could stop myself.
"The summer break was about 40 days long, yet I only have memories of those few days…" I murmured.
After that time at Chiba village, we did not meet each other for the rest of the summer. Rather, I was forcibly brought over to my parent's place, my true home. My apartment was only a temporary abode, a home-away-from-home. Even so, what nostalgia I had was completely overwhelmed by anxiety. Having to once again reside in the same household as my mother and my sister for an extended period after two years of absence was like forcing an unathletic person to run a marathon. My summer was no vacation.
That's why those days away from my house were so precious. Perhaps that was a reason why I felt a little left out with regards to the fireworks. Although, even if I had wanted to sneak out with Haruno, I doubt all would have gone well. With how the relationship between Hikigaya and I became the moment school resumed, I would probably have ruined their moment together had I been there.
"That's probably how summer break is like," said Hikigaya with a shrug, "Before you know it, it's already over."
Rather than passing in the blink of an eye, my summer felt like it would never end. Perhaps, for one with a normal family, with ordinary responsibilities, summer would truly be a time for respite.
Hikigaya continued, "Come to think of it, we became really busy after that."
"A lot of things happened in the coming semester," said Yuigahama while nodding.
"Ah… Well, I blame the committee president for that…" brusquely spoke Hikigaya.
Yuigahama shied away and spoke, "Hmm… No comment."
What Yuigahama was on the verge of commenting about was the cultural festival. Both Hikigaya and I were chosen for work on the festival committee. Things were not smooth at all, and had Hikigaya not intervened, I probably would have died of exhaustion. That was only half a joke. One cause was the fact that the president of the committee was wildly incompetent. Although, that was not the whole story.
Nodding my head, I spoke, "It wasn't just the fault of Sagami alone."
Sagami Minami was the name of the president.
"Ah, her name, you said it…" spoke Hikigaya with disdain.
I frowned. Sometimes both Yuigahama and him had the tendency to tiptoe too much around an issue. Although, in the case of Hikigaya, it was not out of consideration but most likely out of his refusal to deal with anything he found annoying.
"You're one to speak," I spoke in reprimand, "I doubt you were going to say her name at all."
He had nothing to say as a counterargument. He could only shamefully nod his head. At least his attitude was gradually improving, though who could say if it was a major leap forward from day one.
I continued, "At that time, it became the way it was because of various reasons."
Indeed, there were countless reasons, modified by the exponential of the amount of people within the committee. Thanks to Sagami's incompetence, I began taking charge of the committee on my own. Perhaps I did everything a little too well, as I was expected to shoulder more and more work. And I did so because I didn't trust anyone, treating them like brainless children who (as was demonstrated shortly after the formation of the committee) did not have the agency to bring the project to fruition on their own. For some reason, my black cat of a sister showed up and worked her mischievous magic on the committee, causing them to laze off even more.
I truly did fall ill during that time, due to overwork. Yuigahama beckoned me to rely on Hikigaya and her, to not be overwhelmed by the work. During the next meeting, Hikigaya really did lasso them all back to work, albeit with his usual unconventional methods.
There was one last stubborn person: Sagami Minami. Most of the people involved had probably written her off, though we of the Service Club still, at the bare minimum, needed to fulfill her request of making the festival a success. Part of that was ensuring that she participated where she was absolutely needed, like the closing speech. She attempted to be truant, but Hikigaya dragged her back by force. The hostile looks he was given after the matter was a testament to the brutality of his methods. Sagami sobbed, not as a victim but as one who was forcibly rescued. It was bloody, and that was just like Hikigaya. Even so, I would have been unable to bring back a Sagami that had that bare minimum of willingness.
Having to resort to non-solutions time and time again felt like we were part of a bad comedy. Unbeknownst, or perhaps unacknowledged, to me during those times, frustrations built up within me.
"Anyway, the schedule was way too packed," I concluded.
The number of things we had to do, coupled with all those exasperating circumstances, could fill a novella, despite its relatively short length.
"True," said Yuigahama, "Our school field trip was immediately after that camp."
Hikigaya spoke thoughtfully, "We were rather busy during that trip as well."
While kicking her legs in the air, Yuigahama recalled, "I always thought that we didn't really have the spare time to go and do some leisurely sightseeing. I think we only went to Kiyomizudera? Then there was that place with the many bird's nests? We didn't get to eat many local specialties as well… But the trip to the movie village was really fun! The haunted house too!"
"…I thought the haunted house would've been a very bothersome place," I said as I shivered slightly.
I tried not to think back to the dark atmosphere, the flickering lights, the horrifying monstrosities and— oh no, they're coming back. I quickly continued Yuigahama's line of thoughts.
"I think we more or less visited all the sightseeing spots. There was Ryuanji, Fushimi Inari, Toufukuji, Kitano Tenmangu, and so on… There were other places that I visited as well. As for food, we did have tofu and udon sukiyaki hotpot back at the inn. I also managed to go to a café that I had always wanted to go to."
All of the walking and sightseeing was fine (if not excessively tiring), but sitting down at a renowned café, sipping a steaming cup of coffee while seated outdoors, and digging in to a beautiful plate of breakfast was one of the most memorable parts of that trip to me. Not to mention, it was the perfect place for the three of us to meet up.
"As well as the ramen…"
That was an even more memorable experience. Along with Hikigaya, I was dragged to a stuffy little restaurant by our teacher Hiratsuka Shizuka. Everything about it was overwhelming, from the atmosphere to the food itself. Especially the food. The broth (or was it a sauce at that point) attacked me. Yes, there were spices and proper flavours in there, but it was too rich and too fattening. It clung to the noodles and even my chopsticks. It was quite savage. Although, I didn't find it unpleasant. After a hard, strenuous day, I could see why men like Hikigaya and amazons like Hiratsuka would like to tackle a powerful bowl, to get back a massive amount of calories.
As reckless as Hiratsuka picked us up, she recklessly left us behind to further fill her belly with beer. Had I been there alone, I would have gotten lost. Thankfully, Hikigaya was there to lead me back to the inn. Still, he didn't need to walk so fast. I had to tug on the tip of his jacket when he got too far, and that was a little awkward. He also kept moving side-to-side, and to avoid moving to a bad place, I had to move closer to his side, sometimes resulting in our shoulders bumping. How frustrating. I sincerely hoped that no one was observing.
Yuigahama tilted her head and spoke, "Ramen?"
When Yuigahama spoke up, I returned from a stupor that I did not know I was in. I promptly shut my mouth in embarrassment. Yuigahama looked doubtful, trying to connect the dots.
Hikigaya quickly spoke, "Ah, there was a lot of famous shops in Kyoto. Places like Kitashirakawa and Ichijouji are super popular. If I had more spare time, I would love to go to those places too… Not to mention Takayasu, Tentenyu…"
Hikigaya expertly inserted our actual destination "Ichijouji" in the middle of his ramblings. Because people tend to remember the beginning and end of things more vividly than the middle, "Ichijouji" would be ignored.
"Huh? What?" said Yuigahama in a daze.
"Ah, nothing. Those were just the names of ramen shops that I wanted to visit, don't mind me."
Hikigaya made an exaggerated, perverse expression — a disgusting grin coupled with faraway dead-fish eyes — of the same kind he would make when talking about Chiba or his sister.
"O-Oh, okay…" said Yuigahama, backing off.
Hikigaya cleared his throat and added, "Well, after that was a huge bother as well. Shortly after we freed ourselves from Sagami's issues, we had to deal with Isshiki's."
We casually omitted the event that took place at the end of the field trip. It was not something we felt comfortable discussing. Though, given how we were now, it was not something that was worth discussing.
"Ahaha… The student council election was really something," spoke Yuigahama as she limped forward.
Our selfish, fiendish kouhai Isshiki Iroha brought on more trouble than she was worth. As a student council president candidate back then, her request for us was to actually lose the election. There were social reasons, to be sure, though if it were me, I would have simply told the people in charge that I did not want to run and end it at that.
In the end, Hikigaya, once again, attacked the problem at its root. He convinced Isshiki to want to win the election, nullifying the issue itself. It was underhanded but less malicious than his previous methods. Yuigahama seemed to have been fine with it. Personally, I felt like I had lost at that time. It was not just because I hated losing. I had really gone as far as I could at that time, stretching myself to the limits, yet I could not overcome the problem on my own. I felt worthless.
"After the elections, that Christmas event happened," said Hikigaya as he very roughly scratched the back of his head, "Really, those were the hellish days of 'logical', 'magical', and 'preach it'…"
Isshiki Iroha's first job as student council president made one's head spin: a Christmas event collaboration with Kaihin Sogo High. Although, what was more head-spinning was their student council president Tamanawa.
"It was really hard understanding what that person was talking about… Then again, what you said just now was hard to comprehend as well," I said with fatigue.
That person had about as much agency as Sagami, unfortunately. Meetings would go in circles, whether it was continually unaddressed talking points being looped back and back or your head being in a daze, trying to understand Tamanawa's unfortunate way of communicating. In the end, Hikigaya had to resort to asking Yuigahama and me for help. I had very little confidence then, but I was glad that I was able to play a significant role. But was it worth it?
"Well, we did go to Destinyland for free, and we had great fun there too!" exclaimed Yuigahama, "We also bought many Pan-san goods!"
She nudged my arm with her elbow as if trying to physically drive the point in.
"…Well, I suppose that's true. It wasn't all that bad I guess," I admitted.
It would not have been wrong of W.D.-san to rename Destinyland to Pan-san's Paradise. My goodness, the rows and rows of Pan-sans on those shelves in that gift shop made explosions in my brain. I didn't really spend that much to be honest (only 10000 yen), but being able to cuddle with as much Pan-sans as I wanted made everything more than worth it.
"I always felt that things really did go by in a flash," pondered Yuigahama, "Is it because so many things happened in the past year…?"
I nodded. Every year had their share of events, but it seemed like the past year created an especially large crater in my memories.
"I thought that it was really busy after New Year as well… Especially since that's when Komachi really began to prepare for her entry exams," said Hikigaya in consternation.
I offered words of comfort, "It would be great if the shrine visit at the start of the New Year brought her some good luck."
"Uh? Oh, right. Yeah, I hope so…"
Hikigaya was not the only one worried about his sister. Naturally, Yuigahama and I were concerned about our young friend as well. Hikigaya Hachiman, aside from his big flaws, was indeed quite smart. Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. However, that does not change exam anxieties.
"Well, I guess it wouldn't do anything even if I kept worrying about it," said Hikigaya as he shook his head.
"Yes. How about this? Let's celebrate her hard work when it all ends!" shouted Yuigahama while raising a fist into the air.
Hikigaya nodded and spoke, "Ah, sure. Let's have a huge party to celebrate her passing of the examinations."
Gradually, Hikigaya formed a little smile. Seeing that, I could help but smile as well.
If nothing else, his sister was a ball of cuddliness, so positivity shouldn't be an issue. The pieces are in place, so there should be nothing to worry about. Although, her brother would naturally worry regardless. Hikigaya should have some faith and some confidence.
"But it will be our turn soon, huh?" added Yuigahama.
"That's right," I said in agreement, "At about this time next year, we would be taking our college entrance exams. Then after that…"
It would be our graduation. Everything, whether finished or unfinished, would end at that time. For high schoolers, that was our hard limit. Whether you tackled things quickly, took things slowly, or ignored them altogether, you would be forced to face with the consequences by that time, whether you would be happy with it or crushed by it.
"The year went by really fast…" commented Hikigaya.
"This year is the fastest year that I had experienced so far," I said before I sighed.
How long had we spent reminiscing? Yet, we were able to pack it all into one evening's worth of conversation. It was easier to summarize things that had major, concrete points, rather than to gather up a bundle of little details that you were not sure of. We had, of course, omitted most of those little details, as they hid things that were difficult to vocalize. However, because, there were enough solid events to recall, our past year's history stuck out like well-made course notes.
"I think so too! How should I put it? You know, it's like what the adults like to say? How the feeling of time gets shorter as one grows older," said Yuigahama.
"Ah, well, it's because we were so constantly busy," said Hikigaya in frustration, "The requests just kept coming in one by one, but I blame all that on Hiratsuka-sensei."
"When you put it that way, you make it sound like she's the New Year Monster," I retorted.
Hikigaya and Yuigahama laughed wryly.
That there were so many events that stood out was thanks to Hiratsuka. Just like that beast of legend, she would constantly wrench open the door to our club with the intent of swallowing us up in her schemes. Every time, we would practically have to raise a clamour, leaving her with the good fruits of our efforts, to appease her.
Hiratsuka was not exactly stupid, otherwise she would not have become a teacher. However, she was probably quite poor at planning ahead. Her whims seemed to have been random, not having the rhyme or rhythm of a plan. The club started out with rehabilitation in mind, but we ended up only acting out the gopher-like "service" part of the Service Club the whole time.
However, I was thankful. It was because of those random moments that I could experience something that could be called close to youth. Hikigaya did not like the idea of "youth", probably neither then nor now. However, it was only one version of youth that he hated. He could probably now laugh about the past year, albeit bitterly. The pursuit of experiences, most of which were firsts, as well as finding meaning, perhaps that was what youth could be truly called.
Silence fell between us. Perhaps silence was the only way to honour those little details. Bitterness, relief, contempt, respite, depression, satisfaction and frustration phased in and out of my mind like the changing aromas of various dishes of a full course meal being served. Yet, alongside each wave, a particular piece of exhilaration stood out. It was unnoticeable in the beginning but began to accompany each emotion side-by-side. It was that bit that made my cheeks feel warm and my legs shift around that seemed to amplify it all and truly make everything fit together.
I glanced to my side. I looked at Yuigahama's face. It was tranquil. Perhaps she thought the same thing that I did. In her case, it ought to be primary, standing out rather than merely accompanying.
The three of us exchanged only sighs in that period of prolonged silence.
We had all likely ran out of things to reminisce about. None of us were too keen on dwelling on the past. It had bound us in chains several times, like with the accident during our first year. Perhaps we ought to talk about the future. Yet, for a long time, none of us could muster a single word. Numerous obstacles awaited me, most of which came from my own family. I was none too eager to rush forward. I was more than likely to fall flat on my face.
"The snow seems to have stopped," whispered Yuigahama.
She raised her head towards the night sky. I did the same. The long bout of snowfall had, indeed, finally subsided.
The white moon hung in the sky like a beautiful ghost. It was pale enough to fright, yet it was bright enough to glorify. Snow may have given people the excuse to snuggle up and stay warm, but the moon was sharp, causing one to shiver.
My eyes came back down to the earth. Even if the snowfall had ceased, its evidence was spread all around us in neat blankets. A moonlit snowy park with but a few points of streetlights in the distance was rather picturesque.
Speaking of snow, a random thought crossed my mind.
"It was snowing on the day I was born," I voiced, "So, 'Yukino'… this name really is that simple, no?"
The first part of my given name had the character of snow. Perhaps my mother happened to look out the window on the day of my birth. The most fundamental part of my identity may have been decided on a whim. I could only smile in self-deprecation. It was a thoughtless name for a girl whose mother would hardly acknowledge her. My name must have been a prophesy.
Yuigahama turned her body to properly face me.
"…But it's a very beautiful and wonderful name," gently spoke Yuigahama.
She gave me a smile that more pristine than wide, more seasoned than sweet. If my name was a tangible object, I could imagine her cradling it delicately.
"…It is a good name," followed Hikigaya.
Both Yuigahama and I stared blankly at Hikigaya. There was no sign of edge or sophistry in his words. He did not take back his words nor recast them as mere jests. Falling silent, he added nothing more and proceeded to awkwardly take a sip of his coffee.
In other words, Hikigaya Hachiman truly believed that my name was beautiful.
"…Thank you," I replied in a small voice.
I lowered my head. My hands were firmly grasping my skirt. My senses must be as misconfigured as one with synesthesia. My face was so hot that I was beginning to see red.
I felt happy, unbelievably so. I was aware that I sought acknowledgement. Yet I was unaware that being acknowledged by Hikigaya would feel so uplifting. I had experienced a similar feeling before, during the cultural festival, when he told me that I was fine the way I was. But this time, it was much more direct, much more affirmative.
Yuigahama laughed slowly, a thoughtful attempt at trying to lighten the mood. The two of them were looking at me, beckoning me to continue.
"It was decided by my mother," I spoke, "Then again, this is just something that I had heard from my sister…"
I trailed off. The truth was, it was my lying sister who had told me that statement of fact. Only fools take words at their face value, and I was, indeed, such a fool. I could only laugh at myself. What other things could my sister have been lying to me about? Alternatively, she may have not needed to lie in the first place and let my clueless self wander down the incorrect path on my own.
But what did it matter? The culmination of fortune and misfortune, happiness and misgivings, built the present and will build the future. My fractured relationship with my mother would not change regardless of how much I cursed or bawled at the past. Even if I were to sob about the past, the disappoint would be ever present in her mind. No matter how much I would wish away the past, to have it all vanish, foundations were not so easily broken.
Time and time again, those same thoughts haunted me. After pondering in madness about it, perhaps I would take a break. Then, I would think about it again. That was all I could do and would do in the future, until I would grow too weary to even think.
"Anyway… say, I'd be happy to, I mean I wouldn't want to know but—"
Hikigaya mumbled several near-incomprehensible words, chained together in a jumble until he ran out of breath. However, he collected himself — oxygen and mind — and eventually formed a complete thought.
"…Yukinoshita, can I hear it? The things that you want to say."
His voice was ended up coming out gentle. It was rare for me to hear his voice being both articulate and near-silent. Perhaps if my height was shorter, around the height of an elementary school student, he would have knelt down and approached me at a lowered eye-level. This was likely the Hikigaya Hachiman that he kept guarded behind his usual sophistry, a kindness that came from his own circumstances. It was a kindness that wanted to accept and to explore.
"…Do you really want to continue listening?" I asked.
However, exploration would be yet another treading of the same mill. I feared that it would be meaningless. Even worse, I would be forced to eject those matters out of my mouth, rather than confining them in my own mind. I was only confident in some areas of speech and conversation. Even if I spoke, there was no guarantee that the meaning that I wanted to convey — or any meaning at all — would be properly sent over.
However, it wasn't just Hikigaya who wanted to know.
Yuigahama scooted across the bench, erasing that gap between us. She held onto my hand. Warmth was instantly transmitted. She lay her head on my cold, bony shoulder.
"I have always felt that… it is right to keep on waiting," muttered Yuigahama, "Up until now, even if it's little by little, you have told us a lot of things."
She had been patient since the first day. She was always ready to hear me out.
I held my hand over hers.
"Yuigahama-san, you once asked me what I wanted to do, right…?" I slowly spoke, "However, I, myself, still don't quite understand yet."
Yuigahama grew sullen. Her head slightly slipped from my shoulder. However, I edged closer to her and caught her before she could fall to an uncomfortable position.
I did not have the intention to run away now. I needn't have worried about talking about it. Even if nothing tangible could be yielded, perhaps there was meaning in simply saying it. After all, Yuigahama was waiting. Hikigaya was patiently listening as well.
I continued, "But you know, in the past, I, too, had things I want… I wanted to do."
"…Things you wanted to do?" she repeated after me.
"My father's work."
Hikigaya suddenly spoke, "Ah… but that's…"
His darkened face held a frown of realization. Maybe I had let something slip before, or maybe he heard it from Hayama Hayato or my sister. In any case, what he had pieced together was likely not wrong.
My dad was a hopeless sort of man. His exterior seemed hardened like steel, and he was flawless in front of the cameramen. Yet, whenever he came home, he would try to put to use that exterior maturity on my mother. Of course, the one on the sobbing end always turned out to be himself. On the one hand, he would overwork himself in nearly all areas of his life, including his familial one. He, himself, was as trapped by my mother as I was. On the other hand, his presence was probably the reason why my mother had any shred of humanity left in her. Perhaps that was what you could call kindness.
Very early on, I had wanted a piece of that and so, I had the childish desire to take on the family business and pursue the same career as my dad. When I grew up a little more and could begin to understand the practicalities of his job, I felt that it suited me, and my desire grew. Yet, when I was at the age where I could create sketches, I was finally able to connect the dots.
"Yes. But because my sister exists… that decision is not mine. It has always been my mother's," I spoke, "From the very beginning, my mother had decided everything."
That ending was not to be realized. Even before I was born, it was decided that my sister should inherit what I dreamed about.
Futility. Dreams did not exist in isolation. I had let myself be consumed by my own dream. It was not something that was abnormal. Most people have wishes that they felt strongly about. Yet, it was when that dream occupied the most of my self that it was bisected from me.
"My mother has my sister tied down, yet my mother gives me complete freedom. That is why I keep following in my sister's footsteps, because I do not know what I should be doing…"
I had lost my purpose. Furthermore, I had no guide. Yet, there continued to be pressure from my mother. I was drowning, and I could do naught but grasp hold of whatever was closest to me at that time. Even if that close thing was my vicious sister.
"…Even until now, I still don't know anything… Really, it's just like what my sister says."
One who had no agency, who had no strong desires, who desperately tried to derive worth from whatever she was closest to could not possibly be said to have a "self".
Tears formed at the edge of my eyes. I was not a crybaby, yet I was not perfectly stoic. Meeting it midway, I could not decide whether it was my depressing circumstances or whether it was the difficulty of speaking about it that caused my face to crack. I hung my head, hiding my eyes from the two of them.
Hikigaya and Yuigahama had no words to say. They had been patiently listening. Even now, they were patiently waiting.
I could at least smile from that. I raised my head.
"This is the first time someone has listened to me about this," I murmured.
While it was difficult, I felt relieved. I knew from countless sermons, psychological columns, and life lessons from the average narrative that the mere act of speaking about your issues with others would offer respite. It was just that there wasn't anyone that I could confide in. I was, after all, a lonely girl with few friends.
Breaking his silence, Hikigaya asked, "Have you not told anyone else?"
"I think I might've talked about this a little to my parents," I said, "However, they've probably never taken me seriously about it."
I thought back. The only reactions from my mother that I could recall were her shaking her head and trying to give me a reassuring smile. Because she was confident in her absoluteness, my mother had no reason to take my concerns into consideration. As for my father, there was a slim chance that he understood, but he always seemed to go along with my mother in the end. It was set in stone that the heiress was to be Yukinoshita Haruno.
"Have you said anything to Haruno-san?" followed up Yuigahama.
I frowned before saying, "I think not. That person has that sort of personally after all."
"Ah, true…" said Yuigahama.
Both Yuigahama and Hikigaya appeared conflicted, flipping between a stern frown and a difficult smile. They did know my sister. She lived to cause trouble. Had my sister heard every word of the present conversation, she would have latched on like a tiger, sinking her teeth into things she had no business meddling in. Someone like her was few in number and far between each other, so perhaps they were unable to relate all of this to their own circumstances. Still, they fully understood that it would be foolish to seek life lessons from my sister. Rather, one would receive a life of pain in return.
At least that had always been the kind of thoughts that deterred me. That's why I have not even tried.
"I should tell her properly," I continued, "Even if there was a possibility, and even if it won't come true in the end…"
I, of course, realized that no one was completely infallible, even my mother. There are possible circumstances where she would be forced to make me the heir. However I was not cold enough to give those any serious thought. The one that was, relatively, the most possible, was the refusal of my sister to take up the mantle. However, that possibility was still miniscule compared to her taking it up. My mother's oppressiveness was, of course, not restricted to me.
Back when I was younger, that reality was not something I wanted to acknowledge.
"It's probably because I am afraid of an answer that will set everything in stone that I am always unable to seek confirmation."
I continued seeking new talents, and studied even harder with futile hopes. Yet, it was those efforts that ironically erased the clouds from my eyes. My dreams would only be achievable if I could leap over my sister and be able to stand up to my mother. However, in taking the time to understand myself, with the initial purpose of growing, I had realized that what I had and what I could obtain would never be enough.
"That's why, I should start seeking confirmation from there… I want to decide it by my own volition, not because of anyone's words—"
My mother was the one who had the reins of the overall direction of my life. However, it was not possible for her to micromanage every little aspect of myself, those fine little details. My reactions and self-presentation, they had been in the image of my sister. However, that was something that was my own fault.
"—but because I want to think it through properly, to understand."
If my dreams were not to be, then I ought not to wait for the flow of time to disappoint me. I needed to decide, for myself, how I ought to respond.
"…To want to give up."
I squeezed the edge of my cuffs. The coldness of the air reflected in the coldness of my own clothes. The tips of my fingers could not be heated from the fractional amounts of friction I created.
The fumbling around would end, not from the force of my mother but by my own volition. Putting it to an end by my own hands could be said to be my own desire, not something that my sister Haruno had decided.
As such, I was sure of it this time. Nothing would be mistaken, and I would not hesitate.
"I only have one request… I want to ask you to see it through to the very end," I asked, "That much will be fine."
On the terrace, the meaning was not conveyed. Awkward girls like me would seek every excuse to take a step back, to close my mouth when I was on the verge of saying something. Even now, I wanted to hide under the bench and prevent the two of them from being my face. As I was thinking that, I already found myself buried in my scarf.
Yet, after I had laid things bare, I was able to say what was needed.
"That is… Yukinon's answer?" asked Yuigahama.
Her head was lowered, and she was looking at the ground. Just hours ago, Yuigahama proposed stubbornly keeping the status quo as the answer to my problems. But we knew that it would have crushed both of our wishes.
"I suppose," I affirmed, "But it could be wrong…"
I took the initiative and held Yuigahama's hand. Surprised, Yuigahama looked at me.
I started, "In that case…"
I cut off my words when I met with Yuigahama's eyes. They were uneasy, full of concern. I had begun stating a "what-if" scenario, in the case that I was wrong. Perhaps Yuigahama had already been thinking of the alternatives. It would be wrong of me to worry her further.
I shook away those excessive thoughts. Whether or not following through was wrong, speaking about it would be the only way that I could begin to move.
"I still want to prove to everyone that there are things that I am capable of doing," I spoke, "I feel that this is the only way things can truly begin."
"Truly… begin…" Yuigahama repeated my words.
"Yes. I need to go back to my parents' house and properly discuss it," I said with a nod.
I could walk. I could speak. I could decide for myself how I ought to act. Hikigaya was right, and it was understandable that he was so fervent about it. My problems should be handled by myself. Shadowing the acts of another was in no way genuine.
"…So this is your answer," softly spoke Hikigaya.
"I never gave up on it no matter how much time has passed… That's why I believe these are my true feelings… I think there's no mistaking it," I whispered.
There were no lies in my words. For the first time in a while, I was very sure of myself.
Even so, my legs would not keep shaking. Even thinking about speaking to my mother about it was leaving me out of breath. Though I proclaimed that I wanted to take the leap, my very body rejected it, the learned response from years of fearing my mother.
"Wouldn't it be fine, giving it a try?" confidently spoke Hikigaya.
He gave me a warm gaze. Hikigaya was someone who had very close relationships with his family. It was obvious from a glance of how he interacted with his little sister. As such, his words had no hints of recklessness or held shallow hopes. If he said that it was fine, then it would most likely turn out well.
"Okay… I'll do it because I think that also counts as an answer," I spoke before sighing.
His words were the final push I needed. Although, a "push" was a slight understatement. Hikigaya was a misguided individual, but he learned from his numerous missteps. I was grateful that he could orient me in the right direction.
I properly faced him, then spoke, "Thank you."
A sense of elation filled me that was larger than mere gratefulness. Embarrassed, I lowered my head. I did enjoy doing things the right way, and arriving at an answer was indeed something that was correct. However, I was even more glad the two of them would be by my side as I made my decision. With Hikigaya and Yuigahama, perhaps I could truly begin growing.
I shouldn't waste this momentum. I stood up from the bench. Taking a step forward, my shoes made a healthy crunch on the light field of snow.
"We should be on our way. It's beginning to get cold," I said, facing towards the exit.
The night had fully darkened. The time to frolic under the sun had ended a while ago. The moon was not kind enough to light up the darkness. Humanity had to create their own fires and fuel their own lamps.
The time to rest had ended. My sister was waiting at my apartment.
The snow that had fallen today would likely be the last for many months. The white landscape would become but a memory as the seasons shift. Yet, the reason for that would be the rising warmth. Goaded by the sun, I would eventually disrobe myself of heavy coats and long scarves, exposing my neck and my arms, vulnerable as they may be.