"Hey Scout," Beca greets her, taking her backpack from her and falling into step, "that looked like a pretty serious conversation you guys were having. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, fine."
Beca lets it sit for a minute before she says,
"You can talk to me, Lucy. You know that, right?"
Lucy nods but it doesn't feel genuine. The lack of eye contact and the noncommittal gesture feel stiff.
"What's going on with you?"
Lucy stops and looks up like she's about to speak when a group of kids walks by and she stops. Beca grabs Lucy's hand and says,
"Why don't we go get that smoothie now?"
"What about Chloe?"
"She'll be okay for a little while, c'mon."
When they walk through the door of the small cafe, Beca is happy to see there are only a couple people inside. She hopes this will make Lucy a little more comfortable to talk about whatever has been bothering her. They order and sit at a small table in the far corner.
"So what's going on?"
Lucy still doesn't look fully convinced but she starts talking anyway.
"Poppy said she doesn't want to be my friend anymore."
"What? Why?"
Lucy shrugs, not ready to reveal the whole truth and risk Beca marching into Dean Weaver's office.
"Because of everything that happened on Halloween." She says, settling for a half truth.
"She said that? That she doesn't want to be your friend anymore?"
"She said she can't be." Lucy closes her eyes, realizing her mistake.
"What does that mean?"
Beca looks serious. Lucy knows that she's upset, and part of her feels like she shouldn't have said it, but it also feels good to finally let it off her chest.
"Her dad doesn't want us hanging out anymore. He says it's too dangerous."
Beca wants to fall into a rant about how unfair that is, how he's wrong, that Gardner is in jail now, but she knows that won't help. She knows that the details don't matter when you're worried about the safety of your child. She hates that Lucy is going through this, she hates seeing her in pain, but more than anything, she hates that she can see both sides now.
"I'm sorry, Lou. Losing a friend is never easy."
"I just wish I could explain myself to Dean Weaver and to Poppy."
"Do you really think that would help?"
Lucy shrugs.
"I thought she was different than the other kids, you know? I thought she was my friend. She said she was."
"Friendship is hard. There's trust that needs to be there, and a little blind faith, and that's really scary because you're never sure if you're giving it to the right person."
"I never really thought about it that way."
"Most people don't." Beca says, honestly, "It's something they do from the time they're little, so by the time they've grown up it feels natural. But I think it's a little harder for people like us."
"It's definitely harder when you haven't been practicing it your whole life." Lucy says, sadly.
She never had many friends so the thought of losing the first few, it's almost too much to take.
"It all just feels hopeless. Like, what's the point of spending time getting to know someone, and letting them get to know you, if they're just going to leave anyway?"
"I used to think the same thing, for a really long time. And it makes me really sad to hear it coming from you. So, I'm going to tell you what Chloe taught me."
Lucy looks into her eyes.
"The point is simple; letting other people get to know you, lets you know yourself. Friendship is important but it'll never be as important as being sure about who you are."
Lucy swirls her straw around and says, through a sigh,
"I don't know who I am."
"You're twelve. You're not supposed to know who you are yet. And as hard as this feels right now, I promise it will pay off eventually." Beca nudges Lucy's knee under the table, "And hey, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, because the right people will always understand."
—
As they walk into the apartment, Beca's phone rings. She steps out onto the balcony to answer it. Lucy drops her stuff and goes to Beca and Chloe's bedroom. She pushes the door open slowly, in case Chloe is sleeping. She peeks inside. When she sees her eyes blink open, she walks in and climbs onto the bed.
She doesn't cuddle into her side like she normally would, instead she rests her head on Beca's pillow and lays quietly; she doesn't want to disrupt Chloe's rest. She just wants to be in her company. She can't wait for her to feel better so she can hug her and walk to school with her. Not that she doesn't like spending more time with her sister, she just misses their routine; she misses the predictability.
"How was school?"
When Chloe asks, her voice is a broken gargle. It sounds painful. Lucy feels guilty, despite what Beca said, she knows Chloe wouldn't be sick if she hadn't gotten sick first. She rolls to her side and speaks quietly; she knows Chloe must have a headache.
"It was okay. Not much to report."
"Why do I feel like you're lying?"
Lucy smirks, "Past experience is an excellent teacher."
Chloe raises an eyebrow and there's a glimpse of her normal self.
"Are you sure you're only twelve?"
"Pretty sure."
Chloe rests her head back against her pillows and lets out a quick moan of discomfort.
"Can I get you anything?"
"No thank you, sweet girl."
It only takes a couple more minutes for her to fall asleep. Even from her spot across the bed, Lucy can feel the heat coming off her skin. She leans over and kisses her cheek before tiptoeing out of the room. She's careful to close the door without a sound. When she turns, Beca is standing there. She has a gentle smile on her face.
"Is she sleeping?"
"Yeah, she just fell asleep."
"Okay, that's good. Go start your homework, please."
Lucy hesitates and Beca gives an expectant look, knowing that homework is not usually an argument.
"What's wrong?"
"Chloe promised me she would help with my math assignment. It's due tomorrow."
Beca fights the groan that wants to come out, but she knows it wouldn't do anything except make Lucy feel guilty. Instead, she says,
"Okay, go set up in the kitchen. We'll figure it out."
Lucy doesn't look too sure. Beca has never helped her with her homework before and she anticipates some problems, but she does as she's told.
—
"You can explain it as many times as you want, I'm still not going to understand it." Lucy groans,
They are on hour two of working on this assignment. Beca has googled, texted Stacie and Emily, and even watched a YouTube tutorial, but they still can't figure out the last few problems.
"That's because you're not trying."
"Or maybe you just suck at explaining it."
"Excuse me, I am trying to help you. Don't be rude."
"Beca, it's pointless. Math sucks."
"I know math sucks. But you need it."
Lucy sighs and writes down her best guess, at this point she doesn't even care if it's right, she just wants to be done. The longer this takes the more frustrated she gets. School work has never been hard for her before; but this new school is definitely challenging her. Her phone rings on the other side of the table, Lincoln's face lighting up the screen. She reaches for it, before she can answer, Beca says,
"You're not done with your math."
"I'll finish it after. We have to do our biology homework."
Beca gives her a dubious look but resigns, figuring she's worked hard enough for now.
"Okay, but dinner is in half an hour. I want you in bed early, you're still getting over being sick."
"Okay yeah, yeah." Lucy says, answering the FaceTime call and walking into her bedroom.
Beca sighs, and lets the first quiet moment in hours settle her mind. She clears the table and checks her phone before going to check on Chloe. When she walks in, Chloe is awake. There's a quiet groan from somewhere under the blankets. Beca walks over and climbs onto the bed. The warmth from her body rushes out when she pulls the duvet back.
"Hi baby, you okay?"
"Mhm."
"Lets get you some medicine, yeah?"
"Okay."
Beca pours out the correct amount and helps Chloe sit up to take it.
"There you go. Hopefully that will get that fever down."
Chloe lays back against Beca and closes her eyes. Beca runs her fingertips over Chloe's arms. It's quiet and calm, and if Chloe weren't sick, it would be perfect.
"How was her day? She seemed heavy this afternoon."
"Yeah," Beca isn't sure how she does that. How she just knows. "I guess she and Poppy had a fight. I don't think they're really going to be hanging out anymore."
"That's too bad."
"She'll be alright."
"Of course she will."
Beca wishes she could sound as sure as Chloe does. She wishes she could quell the worry and just know that her sister would grow up to be okay, but every day there seems to be something new trying to make sure that doesn't happen.
She leans over and kisses Chloe's temple before saying softly,
"Just get some rest, Chlo."
Dinner is a sad buffet of leftovers; some that may be a day or two past their expiration date. It's quiet but not tense or awkward like too many of their meals have been. Through a bite of cold pizza Lucy says,
"Are you and Chloe getting married?"
Beca is quiet for a minute before answering.
"What do you mean? Like ever?"
"Well obviously, but I mean soon."
"Well, I haven't proposed yet."
"Why not?"
"Geez, what's with the third degree?"
Lucy takes a sip of her water before saying, "It's not really a weird question, is it? I can't be the first person to ask that."
"You are definitely not. Stacie's been asking pretty much since we started dating."
"So what's taking so long?"
Beca fiddles with her fork and says, looking down at her plate.
"Getting married is a big thing, Lou. You can't rush it."
"Isn't being married basically just doing the same stuff you guys do now?
Beca wants to answer, but she can't think of anything to say. She's right.
"Is it because of me?"
Beca's head shoots back up. When their eyes meet, there is genuine concern in Lucy's.
"Like, because you guys had to take me in?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I mean, would you guys already be married if I didn't have to come live with you?"
Beca moves over to the chair next to Lucy and takes her hands in her own.
"No." It's honest, or as honest as she can be, because she doesn't know. "I don't think so. You coming to live with us has made us so happy. Do I wish none of this ever happened? Of course, I wish more than anything that Dad and Sheila were here. But you being here, with us, is never a bad thing. Don't ever think that, okay?"
Lucy nods and squeezes Beca's hands. She leans over and kisses Lucy's temple. She looks back into her eyes and it seems that, maybe a little bit, of the worry is gone.
"But you are planning on proposing." It isn't a question. "So why not now?"
"I haven't planned anything yet. And Chloe deserves something special. I'm not just gonna blurt it out over our Eggo's in the morning."
Lucy lets out a breathy laugh, "She definitely deserves something special."
"You got any ideas?"
—
Beca is up most of the night, thinking about Lucy and the look on her face when she told her about Poppy this afternoon, and the other half of the night taking care of Chloe. Her fever breaks sometime in the early morning and she seems to be asleep when Beca's alarm goes off for work. She leans over and kisses her head, happy to feel it's still cool.
"Are you leaving?" Chloe grumbles, not opening her eyes.
"Yeah, I'm gonna get Lou to school then I gotta get to work. I have meetings all day. Are you sure you're okay to get her to her appointment this afternoon? We can cancel."
"No, I'll get her there." Chloe opens her eyes and she looks more awake than she has in the past few days, but definitely not her usual self.
"Okay, I love you."
"I love you too."
Beca walks out into the kitchen, Lucy is putting her bowl in the sink. She seems a million miles away but Beca can't really blame her.
"You ready to go?"
"Mhm."
"You're gonna have a good day, Scout."
"I hope so."
Beca drops her off and pushes aside the anxious feelings in her stomach so she's able to get her work done. She sits down in the conference room and soon, Anderson is walking in and taking the seat across from her.
"Good morning," He says, his smirk placed securely on his face, "how's Chloe?"
"She's doing a lot better, thanks."
"I just hope you don't get it. We'd be screwed here without you."
"I think you guys would be fine. You've done it before, remember?"
He could kick himself.
"Right. Still."
"Yeah, thanks."
—
Lucy walks into school with her shoulders slumped. She hasn't felt this way walking into school since her first day; like no one is on her side. That is, until she notices Lincoln standing by her locker. Her backpack is at her feet as she scrolls on her phone. Lucy knows Lincoln is never there before first bell and something about that thought makes her stomach flutter.
As she approaches, Lincoln looks up and smiles. It's her usual cocky smirk but it feels different today.
"Hey Peach."
"Good morning, you're here early."
"Yeah, I figured I should start showing up to school on time at some point, right?"
"Mhm."
Lucy puts her books in her locker and shuts it. She leans against it and scans the hallway, waiting for Poppy and Matteo to appear.
"Don't worry about them, alright?"
Lucy nods, "It's just, they know a lot of stuff about me, what if they decide to start telling people."
"They're not like that. Trust me. The only reason this is so weird is because of the Dean, it wasn't Poppy's choice."
"I know. She told me." There's a long pause. "Do you think we'll ever all be friends again?"
Lincoln shrugs, "I hope so."
—
Chloe has finally decided to get herself out of bed and shower. With her hair still wet, she walks back into the bedroom and plops onto the bed to answer her phone, ringing on the bedside table.
"Hello."
She smiles, when Fletcher's voice comes on the other end of the call.
"Hey Chlo, how are you feeling?"
"I'm okay, a lot better today. How are you?"
"I'm alright," He sighs, "do you have a little time to talk?"
His tone changes so quickly it almost makes her head spin. She sits up straighter on the bed and says,
"Of course, is everything alright?"
"Uh, I don't know. I mean, yeah, it is. I just, um," He stutters through the beginning of the sentence before he stops and starts over with, "I got that job at MLB."
"You did? That's fantastic. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
There's another long pause.
"That's not all though."
"What do you mean?"
—
"So how was this week?
Lucy is sitting on the couch in Thea's office. She doesn't feel like being here. She doesn't feel like talking. She crosses her arms over her chest and rests back against the cushions.
"Did you do anything for Thanksgiving?"
Thea sits and waits. Her expression doesn't change. Lucy wonders what it must be like to have so much patience. She can't imagine it.
"Okay, we don't need to talk. Do you want to draw or write?"
Lucy's eyes wander around the room. She doesn't want to sit and stare at each other for forty-five minutes so she figures she might as well find something to do. Her eyes fall on the small keyboard in the corner, the one she picked up on almost immediately the first time she walked into the room. She stands up and walks over slowly to it. There's a small stool in front of it.
She sits down. She can hear Thea shift in her chair, but like she promised, she doesn't speak. Lucy lets her fingers hover over the keys. She hasn't touched a piano since Georgia. She isn't even sure she remembers how to play. She takes a quick breath, puffing out her cheeks before flipping the on switch and playing a few chords.
It all comes flooding back to her and before she can stop her hands, she's playing an old piece that her father taught her. A tear drips down her cheek and falls onto the top of her left hand. She stops, but doesn't turn back. She turns it off and stares at her hands; like they have somehow betrayed her.
"You're very good."
The words hang in the air for a moment until Lucy's brain kickstarts and she says,
"Thank you."
She turns on the stool and looks at Thea. She can't remember now why she hadn't wanted to talk to her. She's one of the only people since the accident that doesn't look at her with pity in her eyes. She's kind. Now, she's smiling, still looking patient as ever.
"My dad taught me."
"Did he teach your sister as well?"
"Mhm, we both learned on his piano that grandma left to him. I remember when I was little the keys looked so big, like my fingers wouldn't be strong enough to press them down."
"I can imagine."
"But he told me if I kept practicing that I would get as good as Beca. He always said music was in our blood; he said that's why he was such a good dancer."
"He was a good dancer?"
"No." Lucy says, giving a breathy laugh, "I haven't played since we left Georgia."
"Why is that?"
"Just seemed weird. He was always there when I would play. Sometimes he would play with me, or just sit off to the side and read his newspaper. But now he's not here and the music just sounds, I don't know, different I guess."
"Is music something that makes you happy?"
Lucy thinks about it for a minute. She's always loved music. She's incredibly proud that her sister makes music for a living. She always loved going to concerts with her parents, and it was a rare occurrence that music wasn't playing in their house. It's as much a part of her as anything else she supposes.
"Yes."
"Then I think, now more than ever, your mom and dad would want you to play. Don't you?"
"Probably, yeah."
"Then what I would like you to do, between now and next week, is play music. Any chance you get, play and notice how it makes you feel. Make use of it."
Lucy nods, "Okay."
"It sure would be a shame if you stopped making music because you really are very good."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." The small timer on her desk dings. "That's time for today. Good work."
Lucy hops up from the stool and walks out of the room. Chloe is sitting in the waiting room when she walks out. She looks up over her phone and smiles.
"You ready to go, sweet girl?"
"Mhm."
Their walk home is silent. They're both stuck in their own heads. As they walk through the door, Lucy looks at the piano in the corner of their front room. Her sneaker scuffs against the marble floor but she doesn't take a full step. Instead, she turns and goes to her bedroom.
—
Beca has never been more thankful to be walking through her front door. Her feet barely lift off the floor when she takes a step and she already knows the bags under her eyes have their own bags. She locks the door behind her and drops her bag on the floor. She kicks her heels off and sighs in relief. It's late. Later than she anticipated. She isn't surprised the lights are off; dinner is long past and Lucy's already gone to bed.
She goes to the kitchen to get a beer. She leans against the counter for a few minutes, scrolling through her phone. She's still getting emails, meaning there are people still at the office; the people without families to come home to, she assumes. She locks it and the kitchen falls into complete darkness again. When she steps into the living room, the small light in the corner flips on.
"Oh my God, Chloe what the hell are you doing?"
Beca's hand goes up to her chest as the beer sloshes in its bottle. Chloe is sitting in the armchair. She's in her pajamas, all her makeup is washed off and her hair is put up in a messy bun. She looks tired.
"Baby, are you okay?" Beca asks, bending down in front of her.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I was just, uh, waiting for you."
Beca puts the bottle down on the side table and sits on the floor.
"In the dark?"
"I think I fell asleep for a bit."
"Are you feeling okay?"
She nods and pushes a few stray pieces of hair out of her face.
"Chloe, what's going on?"
"I got a call from Fletcher today."
"Mhm."
"He got that job in New Jersey."
"Seriously? That's amazing."
Chloe nods, "Yeah, it is. But he isn't sure he's going to take it."
"Like you thought. Did he say why?"
"His girlfriend. And their baby."
Beca sits in a stunned silence. She definitely wasn't expecting this.
"I guess they've been together for like a year and she found out she was pregnant a month and a half ago."
"Wow. That's... a lot."
"Yeah."
The quiet sits on their chests, there in the dark. It's long and tense.
"Is it bad that I'm jealous?"
"Chlo..."
"I know. We're taking our time. To do it right. I just, sometimes I wish I could be like him."
"And how's that?"
"Irresponsible."
"I don't think that's fair."
Chloe stands, she wraps her arms around her stomach and paces, slowly, back and forth. Beca takes her vacant seat. She leans forward with her elbows on her knees.
"You don't think it's irresponsible? An accidental pregnancy, passing on a job that could kickstart his career?"
"It may be, but I don't think it's our place to pass that judgment. We're not his mothers. And I don't think you really mean what you're saying."
"Oh, you don't. Then tell me, please, what am I thinking? Since you always seem to know."
Chloe's tone is harsh. Beca stands and starts out of the room.
"Where are you going?"
"To bed. Before you say something else that you'll regret."
Chloe is left again in the quiet. The feeling in her heart, stings, but the jealousy in her gut is burning to hot for her to truly feel it. She takes a deep breath and wills herself to be better, to think about her brother. It doesn't work. It'll be a process but she knows he's going to need her.
"Will you come to Georgia with me, to tell mom and dad?"
"Fletch, I don't know."
"Please, I can't do it without you."
"I'll, um, I'll let you know."
—
Lucy walks into the band room the next day, during her lunch period. No one is around and she figures it's the perfect time to do what Thea said. She goes to an empty practice room and sits in front of the old upright piano. The wood is cracked and several people have engraved their initials into the top. The key cover squeaks when she pushes it up to reveal the keys, that were no doubt once white, now a light yellow. She plunks a couple notes and looks to the door, making sure the band director isn't going to burst in and yell at her for not asking first.
Once she's reassured that won't happen, she puts her hands back and plays a few pieces. As her fingers move, her chest feels tingly. She takes several deep breaths and it doesn't ache like it normally does. She feels light, like it's the first thing she's done in, who knows how long, that makes sense. It feels right. It feels good.
When she finishes the second song, there's a slow clap behind her. She turns and smirks when she sees Lincoln standing there.
"Dang Peach, who knew you were a prodigy?"
"I'm not that good."
"Could have fooled me."
Lincoln walks over and Lucy makes room for her on the small bench. Lincoln puts her hands on the keys.
"You play?"
"Oh yeah," Lincoln boasts, "I'm really good."
She plays a clumsy version of Heart and Soul that makes Lucy laugh.
"Do it again."
"Nah, I wanna hear you. Play something else."
"Okay, um," Lucy thinks for a minute, "alright."
She plays another song and when it's finished Lincoln says,
"That's one of your sister's songs."
"Uh, yeah, how do you know that?"
"Well, once I found out who she was I figured I should at least google her. Turns out she's not half bad."
"Which one of you was playing just now?" A man's voice cuts through their conversation and makes them both turn.
Lincoln points at Lucy and she gives a guilty smile.
"What's your name?"
"Lucy Mitchell."
"Well, Lucy, you can really play."
Lucy knows this man. His name is Mr. Sweeney, the band director. He's tall and lanky and nerdy. His glasses are always slipping down and Lucy wonders how he can play instruments like that. But from what she's heard he's really good.
"Thank you."
"Taylor Williams has mono."
This comment makes the conversation fall flat. Lucy blinks and Lincoln scoffs next to her.
"Right," He continues, shaking his head, "she was supposed to play the piano for our holiday concert. Can you do it?"
"Me?"
"Yes."
Lucy doesn't turn her head but she can feel Lincoln staring at her.
"Oh, uh, I don't know, I just..." She trails off, unable to think of any viable excuse.
"It would really help us out."
"You should do it, Peach. Normally I would say only nerds do band," She turns to Mr. Sweeney, "no offense."
"None taken."
"But you could change that. You could be the first non-nerd to be in band. Besides, musicians are hot, right?"
Lucy lets out an embarrassed giggle before she looks at Lincoln. She can tell she means what she's saying and it gives her a little courage.
"You'll come to the show?"
"I'll be in the front row. With a sign."
"No you won't."
"Fine, no sign. But I'll be there for sure."
"Okay, I guess, I'll do it."
Mr. Sweeney claps his hands together and smiles. Lucy isn't sure but she thinks he's wearing a retainer. His hair falls into his eyes and something about him reminds her of Benji.
"Great. We practice on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays after school. We look forward to having you, Lucy."
He walks out of the room and Lucy waits until the squeak of his shoes is far enough away before she says,
"I think I just made a mistake."
"What are you talking about? You're really good. And I bet Beca will be happy you're getting into music."
"Yeah maybe. I didn't mean for all this to happen though. I was just doing what Thea told me to do."
"Who?"
Lucy feels her cheeks blush. She clears her throat and tries to think of a lie.
"Your therapist?"
"What?"
"Is Thea your therapist?"
"How did you-"
"Don't worry about it. I've been seeing a therapist pretty much my whole life."
"You have?"
Lincoln shrugs, "When you grow up with a dad like mine, it's kind of part of the deal. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I guess I was embarrassed, or maybe a little scared."
"Scared of me?"
"No, just of saying it out loud."
"Yeah, I get that." Lincoln says, she stands and leans against the wall. "It sucks feeling like a weirdo all because of things completely out of your control."
"Yeah."
The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch. Lucy stands, slings her bag over her shoulder, and starts out the door.
"Don't worry though. I'm not going to tell anyone."
"Oh yeah, I know. And I won't tell anyone about you." Lucy says.
"Thanks."
—
Chloe has done everything around the house she could possibly think of. She's done laundry, cleaned the counters, the floors, and the entire bathroom, she's even reorganized the linen closet. But the nervous energy hasn't gone away. She's been thinking, nonstop, since her call with her brother yesterday. She wants to be supportive, she wants to help him, but she also can't shake her feelings of jealousy. She hates herself for it and yet she can't force it away.
She picks up her phone, for what feels like the hundredth time, to call him. She takes a deep breath and she does what she knows she has to do.
"Hello?"
"Hey Fletch."
"Chloe, hey," His tone brightens and she knows he has a smile on his face, "I'm sorry about yesterday. I know that was a lot to drop on you and I'm sorry, I just-"
"Shut up for a second."
"Uh, okay."
"I have a lot I have to say to you, but I'm going to save it until I can say it to your face. But I will go with you to mom and dad's. I'll hold your hand and we'll tell them together."
"You will?"
"You're my baby brother, I just want what's best for you. Send me your flight details and I'll be there."
"Thank you."
She can feel her hands shaking. She nods, as if he can see her.
"I love you, Chlo."
"I love you too. I'll see you soon."