Author's Note:
Finally, a little longer one than the very very short sexy-and-fluff ones the past couple days.
Thanks for your patience with those, sometimes we all need a break!
Enjoy this next one, it's been a long time in the making.
There are also a few lines here taken directly from "Something Beautiful" by LezBeDaizy, which I consider to be probably my absolute favorite MerAdd story of ALL TIME, along with their other words "The Journey To Here", "MerAdd One-Shots", "The Curve Of Everything"...
Anway, just because it's likely you read those first, when you see a line taken a bit from there, I guess I'm trying to absolve my guilt and trying not to plagiarize.
I'm just saying that some of the wording was just so perfect I could not get it out of my head.
So shout out to YOU LezBeDaisy, and let the good times rock and roll for Chapter 38 of FABB!
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
There's also the fact that this room is sort of super awkward and dangerous and a land-mine now.
Because Addison knows that Izzie knows about her whole story and identity as the 'mystery person' but has promised not to give Meredith any more hints so Addison can break the news about it all for herself.
And Izzie knows that Addison is thinking this as she tries to be a good and fair teacher to both of them while secretly crushing on Meredith while Meredith is secretly crushing on her right back.
And THEN there's the whole question of Anna and Emmett, who both know that Doctor Montgomery and Doctor Grey are both having 'love problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE'.
And that Meredith had made a 'secret admirer' gift and that Addison had a 'secret admirer' and that they figured these things were related but they weren't going to say that to either of them.
And they didn't know that Izzie didn't know about the whole 'secret admirer' whole thing; only about the 'mystery person' thing so she was missing a secret admirer mystery, so to speak.
And Meredith knew that Addison had had a wet dream and called out for her in her sleep, and Addison knew that Meredith had been watching her get undressed only mere minutes ago.
And all of this plus two babies still-unnamed with the placeholders "X" for the girl and "Y" for the boy are really starting to make things extremely exciting for the day they should finally be able to operate on these two patients, at long last for everyone involved...
E ND OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by bobbiejelly
Chapter 38: As We Know It
So we knew there were secrets, but apparently they come from the most unexpected of places and prompt some unexpected outbursts of speeches...It's sweet, actually.
They're in Emmett and Anna's room, now.
Addison, Meredith, Izzie, and of course, Anna and Emmett and babies "X" and also "Y".
They're about to take the pyloric stenosis babies up for their surgeries.
And Emmett and Anna are trying to talk about anything and everything that isn't the topic of love, because they don't want to break Addison and Meredith's bubble, or spill all their secrets on them, accidentally.
And Izzie is having a similar struggle, as she knows that the 'world as we know it' was about to totally change.
And she really wishes Cristina was here right not to help her right through this.
But Cristina's been carrying all these secrets for so long, that Izzie knows she can do her part so Cristina can nerd out on her 'cardio crap' that she loves.
And Izzie smiles at the babies as they bring them into the O.R.
It's an easy procedure, luckily, and there's two of them so they each get a turn.
Addison demonstrates the start of the procedure, and she lets Izzie finish the first one and Meredith to finish the second one.
They're done before they even know it had started, and all of them are completely relieved when it's over.
When Anna and Emmett get their babies back, all less-gross-and-spit-up-y, they thank all the surgeons profusely and say that they think they finally came up with names for them, after all.
And by the time they all ask what they are, Cristina has finished her 'cardio crap' with Burke so she comes in and joins them.
And when Cristina introduces herself, Anna and Emmett recognize her name from the original list they were given, and they thank her anyway for being a part of the consults a long time ago.
And then they finally reveal they named their babies after the surgeons!
They're naming one of them, the boy, currently their baby "Y", "Cris Steven" after Cristina Yang and Izzie Stevens.
And they're naming the baby girl, currently their baby "X", "Maddison" after Meredith and Addison.
And as soon as they say all of this, Izzie starts to cry tears of joy, and Cristina wraps her in her arms.
And they sit down together and say it's a miracle.
And Meredith and Addison look at each other and blush profusely.
And both of them try really, REALLY, hard not to say aloud "WE'RE HAVING A BABY TOGETHER, CONGRATULATIONS," because that's what it feels like for both of them, inside their heads.
Both pairings take this as a sort of a 'sign' that everything will be okay at the end of the day.
And Izzie and Cristina organize another dinner date, and Meredith and Addison smirk at their still-secret plans together, for later that evening.
Anna and Emmett offer all of them some wisdom they learned through all this:
"It was messy, it was hard, and it was tiring to all hell. But we got through it together, and I don't think we would have walked out of this as strong as we are, if we didn't have to struggle so much to make it all happen. Sometimes there's gross and ugly before there's a really good break in the storm. And all that 'fun' and 'fluff' is worth it if you can break through the messy for the new dawn".
And they write all of this on four greeting cards, which they offer to each of them as a thank-you.
And they produce one more card for the doctors to pass around, for them to sign, for THEM to hold onto.
And Cristina and Izzie each shoot Addison a sympathetic look.
But Addison has prepared for this scenario, and she signs the card with her left hand, and she says that her right hand was just too sore.
And this works for all parties, especially Addison.
Because Meredith looks at her with compassion, and pulse Addison's right palm into her hand.
And then she offers her a delightful hand massage, which Addison has to bite on her tongue hard during, not to moan out in such pleasure.
But as it turns out, the most interesting events that were going to happen that day at the hospital, were about to begin, now, in John's room.
Everyone is there for this momentous occasion.
Meredith, Addison, Cristina, Izzie, Alex, George, and even Derek.
Because John is finally being released, for REAL, this time, and he's finally ready to give up HIS secrets, as all the others have all done for HIM.
And Addison finally figures out he's been lying. Because he's told at least two different versions of his love story to her, on two different days, and she hasn't thought of that until now.
"Did your partner leave you or didn't you? Because you told me a story about how he left you because you don't tell him. But the first time you said you were on your way to a nonlegal wedding when he died in a car crash you were in with him? So which one of those things is even true? Because they can't both be? Unless those are two different people?" Addison asks him.
"They're not two different people. I will tell you that for sure. And it wasn't an affair either. We have both always been faithful to each other, but that's not a judgment on you or even her either. So far, I've only had one great love in my life. I never married him. He got hit by a car. And the rest is a story for us now, for me and him only. I've shared grains of the truth with you all, and to you especially." John says to her.
"Whichever story is the one that helps you sleep at night, wherever story you think is a better story, whichever story you choose to believe, well that's up to you now Doctor Boss. Is the glass half empty or is it half full? Did we die together or did we die apart? Either way, he is dead now and I'm still alive…" John continues.
"And I intend to live out my life to the fullest. I'll never forget him. I'm not trying to replace him. But whatever happens, if I do find another great love of my life, then I will still love them. As much as I can. Because love is not finite, it doesn't diminish with age. We grow taller and wiser. And still, love keeps us forever young." John just says.
"You control the rest of your story, Doctor Boss, Addison. You can choose who you want to be for others. And you can choose which others you want to be with. Pick them, choose them, love them. And then let the rest unfold then as it will"
And Addison and Meredith and also Derek go completely pale when John says to them 'pick me choose me love me' or his opposite version of this, and they all look at each other shaking their heads as if to say "I didn't tell him that part"...
And John laughs and says that he saw "pick me, choose me, love me," as a speech on a television show once, and Meredith facepalms, instantly remembering that she saw that episode, too.
And Derek just smirks at Meredith, and Addison slaps Derek playfully, and Meredith is embarrassed.
And Addison is a little embarrassed FOR Meredith, having heard that speech both secondhand from Derek, about him, and also now, secondhand, from John, and apparently it was on a TV SHOW!
But it doesn't stop Addison from thinking one little bit, that she still REALLY wants Meredith to say it to HER, and to mean it…
And Meredith is the one who finally says "wow, you're such a skilled liar, I can't believe we believed you were telling us the whole truth the first time…"
And eventually, Derek says to them all:
"Well, I know that I can keep a secret, too, even better than John I bet. I even kept a secret wife once not too long ago. Addison, on the other hand, is the one who can't keep her mouth shut" Derek says to them bitterly.
"That is NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF DOCTOR SHEPHERD" Meredith admonishes Derek, standing up in exclamation.
Christina tries to hold her back by her hand, but Meredith loosens her grip and pulls herself away from her best friend as she makes her way over to Derek in anguish.
This moment was eventually going to come for Meredith, she's been wanting to stand up to him, for Addison, for a while but she's never really had a reason to, until today, of course.
Because today Addison finally asked her out and she said yes.
And today Derek finally said the very last thing that was totally pissing her off.
So Meredith starts tearing into Derek a new one, and there's nothing anyone can say that will stop her.
"YOU WERE AN ASS TO ADDISON YOU KNOW. SHE ONLY SLEPT WITH MARK BECAUSE YOU WERE ALWAYS AWAY AND YOU WERE NEVER HOME. YOU HAD THIS HOT, GORGEOUS, LEGGY AND BEAUTIFUL WIFE BY YOUR SIDE WHO IS ANNOYINGLY KIND, AND PAINFULLY SMART, AND WHO SAVED MY BEST FRIEND FROM DYING WITHOUT EVEN RATTING HER OUT TO HER BOYFRIEND."
"SHE STAYED BY MY FRIEND'S SIDE THROUGH AND THROUGH AS SHE HEALED AND SHE HAS TAUGHT ALL OF OF US MORE THROUGH THIS SINGULAR CASE THAN YOU HAVE SINCE WE STARTED."
"YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE PROUD OF KEEPING ADDISON A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET FROM ME, BUT I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE OLD SKELETONS IN HER CLOSET AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ANOTHER ONE TO LINE YOURS."
"SO YOU KNOW WHAT DEREK, YOUR NOW EX-WIFE HERE WHO FLEW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE FREAKING COUNTRY TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE WHILE YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO DO THE SAME - "
"SHE DESERVES MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN YOU."
"YOU WOULD THINK THAT I'D HATE HER, AND I THOUGHT I WOULD ONCE, BUT I DON'T."
"I TRIED TO HATE HER DEREK, I TRIED AND I REALLY TRULY DID AT ONE POINT ON HER FIRST DAY."
"BUT SHE STOOD UP FOR ME IN FRONT OF A PATIENT THE FIRST TIME I WORKED WITH HER TO TELL THEM THAT I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS WRONGED BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD A WIFE."
"SHE TOLD ME I WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU AND SAID TO ME I WAS A 'GOOD GIRL' WHEN I DIDN'T TAKE YOU BACK."
"AND SHE TOOK ME UNDER HER WING AND PROTECTED ME WHEN I FLIRTED WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST WHO DID NOT EVEN KNOW THE NAME OF BEFORE HE LEFT ME A NOTE ADDISON ENCOURAGED ME TO GIVE BACK TO HIM. BEFORE HE BECAME ONE OF MY DRUNKEN TEQUILA REBOUNDS."
"ADDISON BROUGHT ME ONTO THIS CASE AND BROUGHT US SNACKS AND SHARED HER SECRETS WITH US."
"BECAUSE SHE TRUSTED US, SHE TRUSTED ME. SHE FORGAVE ME."
"AND I TRUST HER WITH MY FRIENDS. I TRUST HER. I FORGIVE HER."
"BUT I DO NOT TRUST YOU YET WITH MY FRIENDS OR WITH HER FOR THAT MATTER. I DO NOT TRUST YOU WITH ME. AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. SO DON'T YOU EVER COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME, DEREK."
"YOU'RE NOT MY MCDREAMY ANYMORE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE MY McSUN."
"THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR SWEET LITTLE LIES."
"SO GO DROWN IN A RIVER FOR ALL I CARE, BECAUSE IF YOU NEVER TAKE A DEEP BREATH OF FRESH AIR AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE THEN I'M FINE WITH THAT."
"AS LONG AS YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIENDS, AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ADDISON MONTGOMERY UNLESS YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO BE HER FRIEND AGAIN BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT - NO FREAKING RIGHT - TO PUT HER THROUGH HELL AND BACK AGAIN."
"SHE'S NOT THE ONE WHO IS SATAN, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS HELL ON EARTH."
"AND YOU ALWAYS WERE, AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE, TO ME AT THE LEAST"
(And as George and Alex stand there stunned, proud and a little bit humbled.)
(And as Izzie stands not holding her cards from her friends as well as Cristina so they share a sneaking suspicion something more is about to go on. That might have to do with the secret smirk that Meredith and Addison seemed to be sharing earlier in Anna and Emmett's room but they still aren't very sure.)
(And Cristina just looks at Izzie with a bit of concern and tries to signal to her to be more subtle, as she watches it all play out between Meredith and Addison and also right not with Meredith yelling at Derek.)
"BECAUSE PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE WHEN THEY'RE NOT READY TO BE BETTER."
"I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HALF-LOVED BY YOU AND NEITHER DOES SHE-"
(Meredith points to Addison then, who has tears joyful in her eyes from all the bitterness that Meredith is standing up to Derek for, for others and for herself and for Addison who was never strong enough to herself, to say.)
(And for all and all of these bittersweet nothings that Meredith is yelling at Derek, but very well could have been whispering right into her ear. Because the intimate exchange of understanding and solidarity and shared loss of loss is written right over the both of their faces as she continues to speak).
(And Addison can't help but feel an influx of warmth to her soul, as Meredith pours her heart out to Derek, to everyone, to her. FOR her. She can't help but wonder what it would finally feel like to kiss all the tears running off of Meredith's face right now as she rages and rages on. And she can't help but feel terrified.)
(She's terrified all at the same time. Because she is so, so, very afraid that all the beautiful sweet nothings that Meredith is saying are not really about her, are not really FOR her, at all. And that small broken piece of her is still holding onto and waiting, waiting for the moment to come where he smiles at her a McDreamy smile again and she falls for it. Falls for him all over again and lets him screw her over and screw her into submission.)
(Make her forget who she is without him and make her love him for more than she is. Addison is terrified that Meredith doesn't know what she is saying. That she'll regret it after it happens. That this is a fever dream. That she'll forget what she said to him. That she'll forget what happened with this. That she'll forget their time together, like she forgot their time together before.)
"IF PEOPLE ACCEPT THE LOVE THEY THINK THEY DESERVE, THEN WE DESERVE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER HAVE TO OFFER!"
Meredith finally concludes and she looks up at Addison, briefly, who remembers as she once said those same words to Meredith, once.
And Addison is so damn relieved Meredith came to realize them for herself, all on her own...
Meredith is panting now, still angry but also exhausted. She's staring him right in the face before she smacks him, just once, on the side of his cheek before she leans right on into him.
And the patient is scared that she'll take it all back and she'll say that she's sorry.
And George and Alex are scared that Derek will hit her back or yell at her again.
And Izzie is scared that Addison is going to pass out as she's hyperventilating a little bit over there, staring wide-eyed at Meredith looking more than terrified herself.
And Cristina is scared that Meredith is going to kill him as she pulls her best friend back beside her before she can land him the punch that she's been winding up with her good arm.
And Addison weeps thinking that Meredith is going to kiss him and forgive him all over again.
Even if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense seeing as she's supposed to be dating HER that evening, but Addison is just being paranoid, now.
And idly, she wonders if Meredith remembered that expression subconsciously from her-
Or if she knew it already, or if she'd heard it from Cristina as she had a few days ago.
Or from when she finally said it a second time in the bar bathroom at Joe's.
And Meredith is crying thinking that Derek didn't even understand.
And when she says the last line to him, that's when Derek's heart breaks off for real:
"And by the way, you were right when you all but practically said it. Addison's body is like a total bombshell without her shirt and her bra on.
"I can see now why you fell into bed with her after she came back to Seattle-"
"But before that, you got a divorce. "
"Even after she cheated on you - with Mark your best friend nonetheless"
(Meredith is too much in a rampage to see how Derek stiffens at Mark's name, Addison sees it.)
"Because the skin that I saw from Addison by accident when she was changing out of her scrub-
Top when she got thrown up on by a patient,
"If she had really tried and asked me back then, if she had really been that bad to you, to me-"
"I would totally have totally wanted to bang her back then as well. No matter the marriage."
"In fact, after I saw her like that all half-naked and full-naked and perfect earlier on today-"
"I locked myself in the on call room and I touch myself thinking of her and not you"
And Addison's eyes widen completely at OVERT Meredith's admission of peeping, even to her ex-husband and all of their friends.
And her cheeks get all hot and her thighs get all sticky from thinking of Meredith, again...
Watching her when she's half-naked from behind on the bed.
And touching herself thinking of Addison
As she watches Meredith's smirk at her and she can't look her in the eye
Meredith and Addison are both just blushing too hard and she's trying to hide it.
But they didn't have to worry about Derek Shepherd seeing them both blushing together now.
As Derek has his face in his hands and his tears running down to his chest.
But Meredith still isn't finished, she has one final weapon to bring out.
"And by the way Derek, just so you know it all now..."
"Addison does sound sinful as you said she did when she's moaning your name in her sleep"
She smirks right up at Addison, who's jaw drops to the floor.
And if she was sticky before, then she sure is soaking wet now.
As the realization washes right over her, why she woke up sticky and calm after her sleep...
"Oh, and Derek, the only part of that that I take back is that I really don't want you to die and drown in a river or just die in general. That was uncalled for and and I shouldn't have said it. I was just angry. But it was wrong and I'm only apologizing for that bit."
And with that, Derek Cristopher Shepherd never said a negative word to them-Interns or no.
Not to any of the others in the room with him then, ever again in or out of the Hospital
He sat there quietly, contemplating Meredith's words over and over.
And he stares off into the distance as he realizes she's right.
He didn't deserve Addison.
He didn't do right by her nor his best childhood friend, Mark.
He ripped their circle of friends apart, never spoke to them-
Sam or Naomi or any of the others after all of that, which he is regretting now.
And he thinks he's been put in his place. That he needed to hear that.
That he needed to know that.
That he needed to have all of his faults thrown right at him in his face.
And that he needed to see that Addison and Meredith had both started to heal.
And that they had each other to thank for it without him.
Wordlessly, Derek nods. And he agrees.
And he says that he's sorry.
To the patients.
To George,and Alex.
To Izzie.
To Cristina, as Meredith's very best friend.
To Addison.
And to Meredith.
Then he says it's over.
It's so, so over. And that,
He promises he'll never, never,
Ever try to win either of them back again.
And then it's the patient who finally speaks up again.
To say that if today's the last day Derek Shepherd ever lives,
Then at least he'll have understood all the hurt that he's caused others.
And that he's grateful to have had his revelation to be a major part of his lifetime.
And slowly but surely, everyone finally agrees with him. And they decide that he's finally arrived.
But before he goes, though, Meredith grabs onto his wrist to tell him one other thing.
But this time she says it so softly, so he can only just barely hear the words.
"You know we accept the love we think we deserve Derek…."
"And you deserve better than what WE can offer you."
"Addison and I… We can't love you as we should."
"So go live your life, Derek. Find the love of your life"
"And I can be happy for you. And them-"
"Whoever that may be. I can be happy"
(All of them notice the subtle nongendered words here, but nobody interjects, they just allow it to be…)
"I don't hate you, Derek. I yelled at you a lot and I always wanted to tear you a new one over Addison...
"But I want to be clear that I don't hate you, and that I never did," says Meredith, softly.
"Do you hate me Addison?" asks Derek.
"No I don't hate you Derek," says Addison to him.
"And I never did. And I never will. I'm angry, I'm hurt by you…." Addison continues.
"But I never hated you. Not even once. Not as much as you hated yourself, and you still kind of do" Addison sighs.
Then Addison says to him softly "I hated me too, you know. And I still do, but I'm trying to get through it."
And that admission from Addison was the closest thing she was ever going to say to him, In public about why they really broke up.
And with that Derek nods. Both to Addison then to Meredith, and to the others. Then he leaves.
(And selfishly, through all of that, all of the Derek-talk, all Addison is thinking right back to the last words Meredith said. And suddenly she's terrified all over again that Meredith had gotten her memories back and that she was quoting the words that Addison had said to her from the bar the other night. And she's equally terrified that Meredith may never remember those words that she's spoken to her. That she's learned all these lessons all on her own in another way.)
(And that means she doesn't need Addison anymore, that she'll stay away from everyone and anyone who loves her more ever again. And that that means Meredith will never be able to remember how much she loved her then. So she could understand how much she loved her now, she loves her now. And that always will.)
(And now that Addison knows that she loves Meredith, she's not sure she could live without Meredith knowing everything about how they really met, or understand any of the why, and appreciate all of the future they could have together if they don't forget all the past. And now that Addison truly how much she loves her, she's not sure she'd survive Meredith letting her go. )
Addison decides FOR CERTAIN NOW, that she's going to tell Meredith. She's going to come clean.
She's going to ask her to come to the bar so she can confess,
Even if Meredith had run the other night when she tried.
She's going to tell Meredith.
She likes her.
Truly.
"Like"
"Love."
Addison loves Meredith.
She knows that she does.
She loves her as a friend and more than that.
She's not 'in love with her' - yet.
But if Meredith lets her, she could be.
A part of Addison wants to fall totally and stupidly in love with Meredith Grey.
BUT she has all these damn fears and insecurities...
BUT STILL! DESPITE THAT! DESPITE THEM ALL!
Addison resolves she's going to tell Meredith every damn thing she did for her, how they talked at Joe's, how she helped her when she was sick, how she helped her get home and tucked her in, how she wrote a note,
How she saw Cristina had the note, how she stole her own charts away, how she put Meredith on Richard's case, how and why she told yang to hide it, how she gave yang things to make her quiet, how she meant everything she did with the 'pregnant man' case.
How Izzie found out. How the other interns were suspicious during Meredith's say anything speech. How she went to Joe's and had a revelation, how she wanted to tell Meredith everything.
She's going to offer her once more chance though,
With Derek, in case that's who she wants.
Even though the thought would make her feel ill, after all that.
Or with anyone else that isn't her, or no one at all.
If she loves her she'll let her go.
If Meredith wants her to let go...
She's not going to hold on too tight and force Meredith to love her.
She's going to offer, and if Meredith takes her?
Well then, that's up to her.
Because Addison is not Derek.
Even though she wants her more than anything,
And Meredith seems to all but say that she wants her back,
Addison still won't smother her.
She could love her.
She's admitting it to herself finally now.
She could love a woman and be proud
Love the Meredith Grey, right here in Seattle, out loud.
She decided she could, now that she has a divorce.
And that she would as soon as the signed papers are in the mail…
That she's going to come out to Derek.
And she's going to come out to Meredith.
And she's asked Meredith Grey out ALL OVER AGAIN...
To dinner.
At that Vietnamese place that Cristina kept telling her about.
Because for all that it's worth, Cardio Goddess was probably the best freaking wingwoman that Skippy freaking' Gold could have asked for.
Addison says Sorry about Derek.
But Meredith asks Addison, out AGAIN, FIRST, as if READING HER MIND, and she asks pleadingly if tonight could just be a REAL DATE ALREADY before she has a chance to say anything else.
Meredith just asks Addie, just to be sure.
And though Addie thought she had made up in her mind to ask her out for "real as a date" and to say yes if she asked...
In the moment, as it happens...
She can't go through with it as a 'real DATE-date' without the confession, first, about all the 'mystery person' drama. And even then, she wasn't sure about it all.
Addison thinks about Derek and about Burke and Cristina how that failed.
She does come out as bisexual to Meredith and says that Meredith hadn't been making anything up.
And that all she wants is to kiss Meredith and to pick her to choose her to love her
And that she finds her great as a doctor, as a friend and that she's quite sexy as hell
BUT...
Addison sticks to her resolve and tells her, it's not a date until AFTER.
And that they can still go and talk and have dinner and then they can decide together after she tells her the secrets.
(Not knowing, of course, that Meredith still has a few secrets, of her own, to tell Addie, so she might understand even better than Addison thinks...)
And then Addison begins her OWN monologue, pouring out all of her feelings to Grey.
"I can't have let myself have you yet."
"Not now, not like this."
"Not while I got a divorce and you just got over Derek."
"I won't be your McRebound."
"I won't be another one of your tequila lays."
"I won't be just someone who's screwing an intern because they're getting over being screwed, and their intern has a little crush on their boss."
"I won't take advantage of you. "
"I won't kiss you or touch you until we're both fully ready."
"And it's not because I don't want you, Meredith Grey."
"Because I want you so fucking much right now."
"I was actually on my way to make sure you still want to go out…
(So Addison can confess, but she doesn't say that)
(But she doesn't confess yet in the middle of the damn HALLWAY even though had planned to, later on, that very evening...)
"But I'm still not a person that I think you could trust, I'm still not the person you think I am, and I'm still not who I really know I can be for you…" Addison says to her cryptically...
But Meredith doesn't think much of this, and just motions for her to keep going on.
"And I know that I want to be someone to love you fully." Addison then continues.
"And I know that I want more for you than what I can offer you from me, right here, right now."
"We accept the love that we think we deserve, Meredith."
"And you don't deserve me like THIS, all black and blue and a little bit bruised."
"And I don't deserve you yet. Until I've fallen apart so I can build myself up again."
And Addison expects Meredith to walk away from her, now.
That despite their shared plans that she'll leave and never come back...
But all Meredith finally says is a 'thank-you'.
And then she starts to say something like this:
"Oh but Addison I don't think I deserve to be with you either, or that you deserve all my dark and McTwisty. I've got mommy issues and daddy issues and uncle Richard shaped-Issues"
"And I'm still an intern who got seduced by your ex-husband and I called him McDreamy till I was bruised in the face. But I'm over him now. I've made my choice and you've won."
"So if you want me"
"Then you better speak up, I won't wait"
"And you better move fast…"
"Because I can wait for you Addison. I could walk to the end of the earth for you now. "
"But I won't because I'll be staying right here, right now."
So when you decide that you're finally whole and healed enough to let me hold you like I want to,"
"Then you can come to find me and tell me!"
"But while we wait for you to get over your gay panic and self-denial and self-loathing so you can let yourself love me back,"
"Then I just want to be your friend and buy you dinner at the restaurant tonight."
"I promise I won't take advantage"
"I won't touch you inappropriately."
"I won't let you go home with someone with me, or anyone else.
I'll just stay by your side
"And I'll be the one sober if you wanna drink again so that you can let go and let yourself fall apart."
"And I'll be there for the whole evening."
"I'll be right there beside you."
"And I'm willing and ready and strong enough to catch you"
"I promise you."
"If you can't let me have you like I want to yet if you can't let me love you until you feel whole,"
"I still want you to have me like this, rather than nothing at all."
"I still want to have you like this rather than nothing at all."
"So what do you say?"
"Doctor Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery-Nothing."
"To a non-date-night date at say, eight like we said, and at that really nice Vietnamese restaurant that I talked about?"
"And we can talk about everything in our lives right now?"
"You really want to be friends?" Addison says to Meredith, weakly.
"I always wanted to be your friend. I will always be okay," Meredith says to her shyly.
"Let me treat you. We don't have to talk about any of this. We can talk about whatever we want."
"Let's just go have some fun for hell's sake."
"I mean look at you no offense but I think you deserve it…."
"Okay" Addison finally nods at her.
"Okay" Meredith finally nods back at Addison.
"Okay I'll meet you soon"
Meredith grins and she says that she's STILL DEFINITELY driving. And as she picks up Addison's keys she still has not given back, and wraps the ring around her finger.
All Addison can keep focusing on is the one that has the same M for Meredith.
The one that she stole for a second that night weeks ago at the bar.
And the one that still feels like Meredith is holding the very key to her heart.
And she'll be crushed if Meredith rejects her once she finds out all of her secrets.
But tonight at Vietnamese over drinks, how this all really began, Addison swore she wouldn't leave without telling Meredith the whole truth.
Even if it meant she could be losing everything, really everything, this time.
Because this time, unlike the last time, Addison knew once the truth had finally come out;
That she could potentially lose Meredith Grey as a potential lover, as 'knight in shining whatever, as a friend…
Addison knew that once Meredith knew she was the 'mystery person' and that she'd been keeping that a secret this whole time, that Meredith Grey could cut Addison out of her life, completely, forever, and for always.
But that once Meredith knew she was the 'mystery person' and that she'd been keeping that a secret this whole time, that Meredith Grey could also just welcome Addison into her life, completely, forever, and for always…
And she has no idea where they will land.
But Addison is finally ready for Meredith to lead her, to wherever, on earth, that may be.
***** END OF CHAPTER 38
Author's Note 2:
So, it's funny, because this chapter has actually been written for ages.
It's been sitting on the back burner for a really long time.
Sometimes writing is like that; as an author, you know the end long before you know the beginning.
So it's happening; they are finally going out to dinner!
And Meredith finally stood up to Derek!
And all of it seems to be going well…
Will it last? What do you think?
What do you think will happen in the next chapter?
What do you WANT to happen in the next chapter…
I can't wait to find out in the COMMENTS!
bobbiejelly
THANK-YOU folks all SO MUCH for the raving reviews of this piece. Every kudos/like/star. Every time this story is followed or favorited or bookmarked or subscribed to this story. Every COMMENT - I live for your comments and waking up to them every day is my favorite. I'd LOVE some feedback on this work as we know it. It's not the end of the world though, even if you can't, I understand. :D
But I'd still love to know your feelings, your favorite moments, your funny quotes, the things you are surprised at. And also the things that you might wonder about, or be frustrated or feel another emotion by reading this one. It's a SLOOOOOOOW burn, I know. But we ARE getting there.
So what do you think will happen next? Let me know in the reviews, I ALWAYS write back to each and everyone if I can (I can't on fanfiction if you are a guest…). And I love the long and daily discussions picking the chapter apart. Fans have given me lots of plot ideas and have helped to plug some MAJOR plot holes (like JOE outing Addison). So if you find mistakes tell me and help I'll REALLY appreciate it.
Enjoy the next approximately 48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
THANK YOU FOR READING! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY :D
Take care, bobbiejelly
Meanwhile, if you want, I just posted on 3 new stories TODAY because apparently today is a WILD day for writing!:
Soothe(New chapters up! Now up to chapter 9)
In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe.
Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her.
F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction.
Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M.
McCravingsMcDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues.
AND:
After ItalianCristina Yang and Izzie Stevens hang out after their dinner date (but not their first date, ever,) at an Italian restaurant.
THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY SET IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS FABB. It's what happened behind the scenes after Joe's that night in "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" from Cristina and Izzie's perspective. This came upon a request from a FABB fan, and you might consider it a "DVD Extra" to this very story.
If you wanna check those stories out, now, be my guest, I'd love to know what you think about it all.
So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the 39th episode of "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing".
HAVE A GOOD ONE!
Leave a note if you can,
bobbiejelly