AN: Title from Jerry Cantrell's 'Siddhartha'. Takes place the day after 'Out of Hell'.

Happy birthday, Jason!

EchokittyCat-:D I've fallen lots of times. The car is not my friend. (Though first-person was a GODSEND for Riddler races.)

Jason wakes from the...he's thinking the third-best nights' sleep he's had in his whole life. First one was...pfft, one'a those random nights, Mom had been feeling okay, and they'd stayed up to see the sunrise and made s'mores on the stove. Second had been after his first. His. Patrol. First patrol.

He has no idea what time it is, and he's afraid to open his eyes, lest last night turn out to be a dream. He stays still for the moment, concentrating on the cheap hotel mattress under his still-aching body, the smell of complimentary soap and cleaner and that lingering people have been born, had sex, and probably died in this room smell that these sorts of places have. He can hear rain and traffic and general Gotham Living outside and in the rooms around him.

And he's hungry.

Okay. Okay. He's woken up out of nice dreams before, and it hurts, but. But he can do it again. One more time.

Please…

He cracks his eyes open.

The room is beige and...rusty orange...and very bright. Well, bright to him, anyway. It's empty, but he rolls over and, muscles protesting the whole time, peers under the bed. Zilch.

Still unconvinced he's not hallucinating or unwillingly playing one of the clown's head games, Jason stumbles out of the warm bed, ankle cracking horribly when he makes it take his weight, and shuffles to the bathroom. Nothing. Nothing in the shower, or wedged into the little cabinet under the sink. He's alone here.

He lets his breath out slowly, slumping forward against the sink to take some of the pressure off his ankle. He'll have to look at it later, look at everything later, but...but not now. Not this second, huh?

His hair's too long; his bangs are in his eyes and he can feel dead ends scraping the back of his neck. No way in hell is he letting anyone near him with scissors. That's okay. He did self-trims when he was a kid.

He's out.

He's out, he's free of that monster. That bastard's never going to hurt him ever again. The thought makes him lightheaded, brings an unfamiliar twist to his lips that feels like it might be a smile.

And then he makes the mistake of looking up at the mirror.

The boy-no, he's not a boy anymore, is he-looking back at him looks dead. He's pasty white, thin and hollow-cheeked with no spark to his eyes. There's cuts and gashes all over his face, his nose is crooked, and...and there's that. The brand on his face, the one that still hurts, the one that screams to the world, PROPERTY OF THE JOKER, IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN!

I'll never get away from him.

The mirror shatters under his fist, shards jabbing in between his knuckles and falling into the sink and bouncing off the counter to hit the tiles by his feet. He doesn't care. He can't face this he can't face this he can't-

This is too much for his ankle; it buckles and then he's kneeling in the glass, sobbing so hard it's silent and hurts his throat and chest. He chokes, doubles over so's his forehead's pressed against his knees, bites down on his lips to try and...and…

Willis always said, 'boys don't cry'. Bruce hadn't...he'd never known what to do with tears. Or any outpouring of emotion, for that matter. And Joker had loved them. But Jason? Right now, he doesn't care about any of that. He wants Mom, but Mom can't be here anymore.

It takes him several minutes to register that the tears have stopped and that he's just...huddled here on the floor with glass jutting out of his skin. The glass doesn't hurt, but his ankle does and he slowly and carefully brings it up to investigate.

It's swollen and hot to the touch and it...something about it doesn't look quite right. He'll wrap it, he decides, he'll get a compression bandage or something later today. Okay. He's okay. He's just gotta breathe, get up, clean this mess up because he was raised better than to leave this shit for the housekeeper, and then...if he is where he thinks he is, there's a bodega two blocks south, one that has a gray tabby that lounges in the window. They'll have a thing of chips or something he can choke down (safely), maybe bandages. Definitely a hoodie, at least, a nice touristy hoodie.

He can make it two blocks. Like he's got a choice, but he can make it two blocks.

The smell of rotting watermelons, cheap ice cream bars, and packaged bread is possibly one of the best things Jason's ever smelled in his life. He's starving, and now, confronted with food choices, he knows he's gonna have to exercise some restraint and not just devour a stale baguette in the middle of the store. Crackers. And maybe a soup-cup-thing, that's mild. And, uh, cranberry juice, yeah, that's sorta healthy. And a Reese's. If the Reese's makes him sick, it'll be worth it.

The owner is dancing lightly to the mariachi on the radio and the cat is more interested in the birds outside than in him, which means he can limp through the store on his own sweet time. They do have bandages, and the food he thinks he can do, and a red hoodie* proclaiming, I Survived Gotham. It'll do.

What's worrying him-apart from, you know, everything else-is where he found money last night. He doesn't remember a damn thing after leaving Arkham, and it scares him. Mystery for later, though, because he's hungry and grateful he doesn't have to rob the bodega man, who-miracle of miracles-doesn't so much as look up at him. He pulls the hoodie on the second he's outside, though, tugs the hood up to try and cover the damn thing at least a little.

He doesn't know what to do.

He can't go back to him-he'll die first-and he can't...s'like they say, you can never go home again. If Wayne Manor was ever home.

Left me he left me with him he said he'd always be there and he fucking left me with that bastard-

He just doesn't know what to do.

He stumbles back into the hotel room, debates on whether or not he wants to use the grody microwave provided, and decides that yes, yes he does. This will be the first real food he's had in over a year and he wants to try and enjoy it, if that's possible.

Man, he hasn't had one of these in...geeze, since before Mom died. They're not Old Money Approved, after all. Good. He's not Old Money Approved, either.

It's done, he decides, when it pops and the lid gets all soft and hot. It smells okay. Safe, anyway, no hint of Joker venom or any other little surprises. The steam curls around his face, making the...the burn a little tender, but it's fine. It's fine. He bought it all sealed up and he's the only one who's touched it. He took off the safety tin.

So why can't he eat it? His appetite's vanished, even though he knows he needs to eat, it's just…

You gotta eat, baby.

That sounds like Mom, and it should be concerning, but...he does need to eat. And he can't just chug it, either, much as he'd like to get it over with. He's gotta be slow and careful.

Cracker! He'll dip a cracker in.

The soup's hot and salty on his tongue, miles above the slop he's been eating in the asylum. Once he swallows the slightly soggy cracker, his appetite returns with a vengeance and it's an effort not to pour half the column of crackers in, smash them to bits with the spoon, and eat the resulting mush here and now. But he can't. He'll be sick. Hell, he might be sick anyway, who knows.

He dunks another cracker in, catches a wispy noodle on it this time. Jesus. Jesus Christ, this is it, he's living on soup and crackers forever, this is the best thing he's eaten in his life-

-no. No it isn't, is it. Alfred. Alfred made…

Not now. Just eat.

That's right. He can't think about anything, that's not...he's spent a long time, trapped in his own head. Not now. He can't do that now. Food first.

The soup goes down easily enough, the cran juice a little less so but it stays in, and then he has to admit that yup, time for some self-examination.

He's not facing the mirror-or what's left of it-again. It's better to stay here, to strip off despite knowing that hotel beds are scuzzy, and, well, survey the damage. And there is a lot of damage. Burn scars, wire scars, marks he can't even begin to trace. He doesn't really want to know what his back looks like, but he'll have to find out.

Further poking the ankle says that oh, sure, it's...healing, or maybe as good as it's gonna get, but that squeezing certain spots of it makes his vision go white and over-manipulating it is worse than that. He puts the bandage on it, because what else can he do, and struggles back into his clothes. No more. He can't do more right now.

Jason does not mean to fall into a fitful sleep, but that's what happens. He wakes up gasping and soaked in sweat, a man's shouting echoing in his ears. Sounds like Willis.

After a minute of lying here, he comes to realize that it isn't Willis, and it isn't a dream. It's...lobby, something's going on in the lobby.

Shit.

It's hard to move as steathily as he used to, but he's still quieter than the average schmuck when he slips out of bed and opens the door to creep down the hall. It's late, which means the clerk should be alone, which makes them easy pickings. People never change, much as Batman insists that they do.

The shouting man has a gun. He's wearing a scarf around the lower half of his face and he's actually kinda big. Looks plenty comfortable threatening a woman half his size.

He doesn't think, just moves; grabs one of the little chairs near the doors and hurls it

Owowowow not good movement not good

at the man's back. He trips, gun falling from his fingers and sliding under the desk. The woman, wisely, ducks.

"What the fuck-oh, we got us a Batman-wannabe." The guy cracks his back. "Come on, then, hero."

He's out of practice. Doesn't mean he's helpless. He dodges the oncoming haymaker and retaliates by going straight for the jugular.

Or, in this case, the balls. Fighting fair does not get you far in life.

The bravado vanishes. It's hard to be badass when you're shrieking like a little girl with your testicles twisted in a fist. Jason lets go, headbutts him to get him down, and steps around him to fish the gun out from under the desk.

"Get the hell out of here," he says, more out of breath than he should be after that. His shoulders hurt from the throw. That can't be good. "Or pray to God Batman shows up to save you in the next thirty seconds."

"You son of a bitch-"

"Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Twenty-seven-"

"I'll kill you!"

He cocks the gun. Little awkwardly, it's true-Bruce taught him the absolute bare minimum of gun handling-but it gets his point across.

"Twenty-six. Twenty-five."

The man can't quite get upright, but he manages to hobble outside. Jason doesn't chase after him. He's shaking, a little, and the gun's awkward in his hand.

"Thank you." Oh. Yeah. He forgot about her. "I don't know-he wanted money, I guess-"

"Don't they all." He doesn't turn around. He can't; he's way too identifiable. "You're welcome." Back to his room it is, to get his crap and clear out. "I'm gonna check out before the cops show."

"I'm not calling them." Huh. "They never come. That's the third time in two months we've had someone in here."

Figures.

He doesn't answer-what do you say, huh?-, just shuffles back to his room. He doesn't realize, until the door's locked behind him, that he's still got the gun.

Well, he figures, as he stumbles back towards the bed, at least if Joker manages to track him here, he won't have to go back. He'll kill the clown or himself, it doesn't matter which, but he's not going back.

He crawls under the blankets this time, tries to get a little more comfortable. It must work, because in five minutes, he's out. Nothing wakes him this time.

THE END

*Arkham!Jason has a fondness for red hoodies even pre-Red Hood; both baby Jay and grown-up Jay are shown wearing one in the prequels. For obvious reasons. :p