A/N: Hey everybody! Glad to be back with you all and hope everyone's doing well. Huge shout out this week to Leona2016 and FenrisInside for their help and insight on this chapter. Both of you are simply fantastic! Also a big thanks to everyone who continues to read/review/follow/favorite. You all are the only reason the motivation fairy hasn't completely disappeared into the wild blue yonder.
On a more serious note: As I'm sure you all are aware, there's been some pretty serious stuff going on in the USA and the rest of the world recently. In light of these recent events, I will address a part of this chapter in an ending author's note. I ask that readers kindly refrain from passing judgement on myself and my story until then.
The flight back to the Finalizer seemed to take hours longer than her journey from Cantonica. Rey's thoughts spun in circles, unable to stay in one place for longer than a few moments. She stared out the viewport without seeing the beauty of hyperspace, hands clenched around the yoke.
How was she going to tell him?
When the bond had opened between them as she crouched on the floor of the refresher, she'd instinctively slammed the door in her mind closed. It was all too new and confusing; the realization too terrifying for her to tell him. To even know how to tell him. And now she would have to face him. She could feel her body beginning to shiver uncontrollably and took a deep breath in as she tried to steady herself. For a moment, she closed her eyes, trying to find a semblance of the peace she'd once possessed. But it didn't come to her. The part of her that could find it was still and dead. She could no sooner find peace than undo the past.
The TIE lurched as it left hyperspace and the bulk of the Finalizer loomed in the distance. She could see, even so far removed from the activity, that the battle on Cantonica had come to an end. The large box-like transports used to ferry soldiers to and from planets were coming and going from the hangar, TIEs returning with them as steelpeckers to their roosts at twilight. She wove through their ranks without conscious thought, giving the landing codes in a daze, not even realizing she was speaking. She was already searching for Ben's dark form in the crowded hangar as she glided through the bay doors. He was nowhere to be seen.
Once she landed, she unsealed the hatch and climbed onto the top of the TIE to perch there, gazing out over the crowd. Another transport swept into the hangar and the Force began to tug at her, telling her Ben was on board even before she saw his tall frame striding down the ramp. Heart pounding in her chest to pump the ice of her fear through her veins, she lowered herself to the floor and made her way straight for him.
How was she going to tell him?
The question plagued her, its answer as far from her in the chaos of the hangar as it had been in the silence of hyperspace. Her anxiety grew with every step. Everything in her wanted to run from this. The instinct only grew as she felt the familiar prickle of danger creeping up her neck. Why did it feel as if every eye in the hangar bay was on her?
Without thinking, her fingers drifted down to brush over her stomach. It was hidden beneath the loose tunic Corann had sent for her, but she still jerked her hand away when she realized what she was doing. Her fingers went instead to the dark band of fabric around her wrist, twisting in until her skin went raw even as she approached Ben. He was talking to Captain Tal, chuckling about something. It was a relief to see him alive and well, though his smile slipped away as he caught sight of her. The laughter in his eyes faded into concern.
He stepped forward and she backed up a pace, terrified that he would touch her and somehow know. His face fell, confusion and uncertainty piercing through the bond. He tried again, extending his hand to her. She stared at it, the black glove reminding her of the night she'd taken his hand. The night that had started her on this path. The path that led here: to love and to war and to a child that would be born into the thick of it.
"What's wrong, Rey?"
She found herself immediately glancing toward Tal, unconsciously twisting the cloth band tighter around her wrist as she shook her head.
"Not here."
A deeper unease began to curl through her as Ben's eyes roved around the hangar to take in the crowds of disembarking stormtroopers. So, he felt it too- this sensation of being watched. Ben started to walk toward her, hand still extended to usher her forward, though he did not touch her.
"Alright," he said slowly, casting another troubled look around the hangar.
They had taken only a few steps when a shiver of dread went down Rey's spine, sending the hair on her neck upright. Ben stiffened, and she felt his rising alarm even as she scanned the throng around her for anything out of the ordinary.
"What are you doing trooper?" came Tal's alarmed shout from behind them, melding with the high, sharp bark of a blaster discharging as it cut through the noise of the hangar.
The warning from the Force came too late. There was a flash of red light in the same moment that Ben half-turned toward Tal's cry. He stumbled backward, the air rushing out of him in a grunt as he crumpled to the floor. For a heartbeat, she didn't know what had happened. Then she saw the wound and felt the echoes of a burning pain in her own chest.
"Ben!" she screamed.
She spun, her fear a whirlwind around her. A stormtrooper stood behind Ben, training the blaster in his hands on Ben's head, readying himself for the next shot. She saw the man's finger tightening around the trigger. Tal was running forward, his own blaster raised, but he was too far away.
The weapon discharged.
"No!" Rey shouted, throwing herself in front of Ben, eyes squeezed shut, the music of the dark side rippling around her even as she raised her arms to shield herself.
There was heat on her face. It was the first thing of which she was aware in the breath between the sound of the blaster and the realization that she was still alive. She opened her eyes. To her astonishment, the bolt of red hung in midair, crackling and spitting sparks of plasma. She could feel the tension in the Force as she held it there.
Rey twisted on the Force, sending the bolt into the floor of the hangar. Anger coursed through her and with it, the dark side. Her hand jerked upright, fingers clamped shut on nothing, while the man before her let out a short gasp and began to choke. His hands were at his throat, scrabbling there as though he could peel away her grip even as he went to his knees.
Rey stood taller, pulling at the rage boiling up inside of her. It came to her so easily now. Her head spun and the floor seemed to tilt beneath her feet as she reveled in her power and the strength she held in the palm of her hand. Revenge was a high and terrible frequency and it sang to her now. It was intoxicating.
"Rey, stop," gasped Ben.
She twisted toward him, refusing to release her grasp. Ben was wheezing, struggling to draw in a breath. Blood and a clear fluid foamed at the corners of his mouth, trickling out to pool on the floor, and his eyes were desperate and terrified. Rey could hear his song starting to fade. Her jaw tightened and she swore through her teeth. She dropped the man still writhing in her grasp with a violent shove, leaving him to stagger backwards and fall, slamming hard onto his back. Rey pulled the saber from her belt, even as she advanced on him.
"Rey-" the stormtrooper rasped, his voice distorted and indistinct through the helmet's filters.
But she was deaf to him. She could hear nothing but the low rumble of the dark side, drowning the sound of her name in the ocean of noise. She stood over him; her lightsaber clenched tight in her fist. The dual blades sprang to life with a vibration that sent a thrill through her. Their snarling fury matched her own and added to her strength, drawing her deeper into the darkness as the trooper scrambled backwards, half rising to his feet.
"You'll die for this," Rey hissed.
She struck with the speed of a pole snake, slashing downward with a quick twist of her hands. A dark chasm opened in the trooper's chest, burned black against the white of his armor. He slipped sideways, fighting gravity in a last desperate attempt to remain standing. Another stroke, and he fell in a heap, a gaping wound opened at his neck. He was still alive, lying on his side, kicking feebly. Somehow, that infuriated her more. Rey took a step closer, deactivating one of the blades.
The trooper raised his trembling hands before him, and Rey gave a bark of hard laughter at the pathetic display of surrender. Then she realized it wasn't one. He was fumbling with the helmet, fingers clumsy in the twilight of his life, finally tugging it free as his arms fell to his sides. The helmet clattered across the floor, coming to rest against Rey's boot. She kicked it away, all but blind with her hatred.
His dark-skinned face was glistening with sweat and twisted in pain; his mouth moving without any sound coming out. The desperation in his face told her that he was begging. Something about it tugged at her, a memory of Jakku rising in her mind. She shoved it away, shifting her blade in her hands as she advanced by another step. The man struggled to say something again, and she found that she understood the words that never made it past his lips.
Please…Rey…
She plunged the saber into the left side of his chest, ending his last appeal. His arms and legs jerked for a moment, then he went still. She stood over the body for a heartbeat, giddy with her triumph. The dark side coiled around her, its low music shrouding hers as with a mist. And then she heard Ben's song. It was drifting farther away, the bond between them growing thin and fragile. Terror shot through her. She was losing him.
She ran to him, crashing to her knees at his side to rip away the fabric of his tunic and expose the wound. Ben writhed in pain, losing the battle against unconsciousness even as he gasped for breath. He was pale and his lips were turning a dusky blue. Rey's heart hammered in her chest, as if the strength of its beating could keep him alive too.
Maybe it could.
The idea seized her, and she quickly pressed her hands over the wound, closing her eyes.
"Come on, Ben," she whispered. "Heal."
She reached out towards the Force, stretching to find the dissonance in Ben's song. The chaos in her mind cut her off. She couldn't focus enough to hear his music. Her terror, once an ally, had turned against her in the moment she needed it to heal him. Her strength fled from her and she bent over Ben, swallowing back a sob as she begged him to wake and heal himself.
A hand pressed her shoulder and she cried out and spun, her saber lit in her hands. Tal jumped back out of her reach, his startled expression quickly sliding into concern.
"We need to get him to the med bay," he said.
Rey nodded, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from running down her cheeks as the music of her fear thundered in her ears. The small crowd of stormtroopers that had gathered around them began to move, acting on Tal's orders. Rey stood by, watching them quickly taping a bandage fast to Ben's chest before they rolled him onto a stretcher and fitted a clear mask over his nose and mouth. He lay there, body limp and still, the whites of his eyes just visible beneath cracked eyelids. His chest heaved and Rey could see the skin around his collar bones pulling inward with his effort to simply breathe. The bandage lifted as he gasped, blood oozing from beneath it to trickle down his side.
He was dying.
The thought rang in her head; thundering against the walls of her mind to drive her mad. And yet it couldn't touch her. Everything seemed so far away, as if she were looking at the world through glass; able to see, but not feel. Alone in her terror, even as she hurried after the troopers bearing Ben's stretcher toward the med bay. A call from behind dragged her attention back to the source of her living nightmare. She turned to find Tal standing over the body of the assassin.
"What about the traitor?" he muttered darkly, giving it a hard kick.
The corpse flopped onto its back, the blank eyes wide and staring and, for the first time, Rey saw the features. The world froze around her. She knew that face. She knew those eyes.
Finn.
The glass cracked. The galaxy seemed to collapse around her, a high ringing in her ears the only music she could sense. The Force had abandoned her, light and dark, to leave her alone and empty.
She couldn't really be staring down at him. Her first friend. The one who had taken Ben's blade in her place. The one who had been willing to die for her and the cause in which he had chosen to believe. Reality slid away, leaving her raw and exposed in a darkness blacker than any she could have imagined. All light was gone.
Anger mixed with the grief. He'd turned his back on her. He'd sworn at her, called her a traitor and threatened her very life. Then he had all but taken Ben's. His last betrayal still might. And yet, he had believed in her, once, long ago. He had been her friend. And now he was lying there dead; killed by her own hands.
She swallowed back the bile rising in her throat, sick at the order she was about to give.
"Throw hi-" she started, her voice breaking. She took a breath and tried again, willing herself forward. "Throw the body off the ship. I don't care how you do it."
And she turned away into her fractured world.
Darkness breeding darkness.
She'd made her choices. She'd given in to the dark side. Now she had to live with what it had driven her to.
...
Rey sat in a stiff chair beside the steel table where Ben was stretched, droids already hovering over the wound. Sim stood at her side, Tal behind her, both of their faces tense and pale with worry. Rey watched the shallow rise and fall of Ben's chest as if her continuing breaths depended on him taking his next. Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes, threatening to overflow. She longed to get up, grab him by both shoulders and shake him until he woke up. She wanted to curse. She wanted to scream until she forgot the dead eyes of a friend turned enemy. She wanted to do anything but sit helplessly and watch while three unfeeling, uncaring beings made of metal and wires stripped Ben to the waist and began to busy themselves about him.
An alarm started to screech from one of the machines that showed Ben's vital signs. Rey suppressed a cry and looked up at the screen. His heart rate had jumped, and his breathing went shallower even as she watched. The droids conferred among themselves for a moment before one reached for a thick needle and another doused the side of Ben's chest in antiseptic. Rey gasped in horror as the first med droid lined up the needle and drove it deep between Ben's ribs.
"Please be calm," said the taller of the two droids, "there is blood and air inside his chest that has collapsed the lung. It must be removed, or he will die."
Sure enough, after a second of maneuvering, blood began to pour out of the needle and onto the floor to trickle toward a drain beneath the table. Rey watched the fountain of red streaming out of him, wondering how much he could lose before it killed him. As it gushed out, Ben began to cough. Bright red spattered the inside of the mask.
Rey shot to her feet, then staggered as her head swam and her eyes went out of focus. Sim caught her by the shoulders before she could fall, pushing her back into the chair. Rey swayed for a moment before her vision cleared and the ringing in her ears faded. Sim bent closer, peering at her face.
"You're awfully pale, Rey. Why don't we go-"
"I'm not leaving him," Rey cut her off. "Not now."
"You look like you're about to pass out," Tal said from his place beside her.
"I'm alright," Rey said, shaking her head.
The movement made her dizzy and she clutched at the chair to keep herself from pitching sideways. Tal exchanged a look with Sim who left the little cubicle, talking rapidly to another trooper that had been standing in the doorway. Rey ignored them; eyes trained on Ben as she willed his heart to keep beating. His song was fading, and her fear grew even as the notes grew quieter. She fought back the tears, desperate to at least appear strong in front of Tal.
Ben's coughing stopped as the droids slid an IV into his arm and injected a medication. They quickly pulled off the face mask and fed a tube into his throat, taping it fast to the side of his mouth and attaching it to a machine. There was a strong smell of antiseptic as they doused the side of his chest again and Rey's head spun. She bent forward, and Tal slid a waste bin towards her as she started to gag.
Nothing came up. She spit and heaved again, bringing up clear fluid that burned the back of her throat. Sim was back before she'd finished, a cup full of a dark red liquid in her hand. Rey shied away from the proffered drink. It looked too much like blood. Sim tried again, pushing the cup into Rey's shaking hands.
"Drink," she said. "It's blumfruit juice. High in sugar. I've seen enough battle to know when a trooper could use the boost. You need it."
Gingerly, Rey wrapped her fingers around the cup and took a sip. The juice was overpoweringly sweet, but otherwise not unpleasant and it soothed her stinging throat. The nausea began to ease as she drained the cup and dropped it into the bin at her feet.
Silence reigned around her, broken only by the occasional hiss from the machine as it pushed air into Ben's lungs. He did not move as the droids removed the needle before making two incisions in his chest and threading a pair of long tubes through the cuts. Rey shivered, arms drawing tight over her stomach; the cold there leaching out to turn the rest of her to ice. Tal and Sim stood quietly at her side, their expressions grim and sharp in the harsh light above the table.
One of the droids turned to them and motioned for the door.
"This will require a sterile field. All nonessential bodies need to leave. Please exit the room until you are instructed otherwise."
Rey made to shake her head, but Sim grabbed her by the arm and squeezed.
"Come on, Rey," she said. "We'll only be a hindrance."
Reluctantly, Rey allowed herself to be led out into the hall, straining to look over her shoulder to keep Ben in her sight until the door shut behind them, cutting her off from him in body and bond.
...
Hours dragged past, and Rey paced up and down the corridor until her legs shook beneath her and she collapsed into a sitting position against the wall. Tal and Sim stood on either side of the door, conversing quietly with each other. Rey didn't care what they were saying. The whole of her mind was bent on clinging to Ben's music. It was still there. Barely.
The chime of a holopad pierced the air and all three of them jumped as Rey jammed her hand into her pocket, drawing out the little device Ben had given her. She activated it with a quick press of a button and an image of Mela flared into life above the screen, her miniature form standing with arms crossed at her chest. Cy stood beside her.
"Rey?" Cy asked. "Where's Kylo? We tried to reach him, but he's not answering."
Rey's fingers went tight around the holopad, squeezing until cracks appeared in its screen and the image began to waver and distort. Her throat closed around the words of explanation, and unshed tears burned in her eyes. She swallowed hard, desperate not to show her weakness even as her body began to shake uncontrollably.
"What's wrong?" Mela asked, concern lacing her voice. "Where is he, Rey?"
"Ben's been shot," Rey finally choked out. "He's unconscious and I-I don't know what to do. I tried to heal him, but it didn't work. He's alive, but I don't know if-"
Cy's face went grave.
"We're on our way," he said. "Don't leave his side."
"I won't," Rey managed.
Cy disappeared, but Mela remained for half a minute longer.
"It'll be alright, Rey," she said. "We'll be there as fast as we can. Just hold on. We'll be there."
Rey nodded, and the holopad went dark.
...
Rey heard their songs before she saw them. If she hadn't, she might not have recognized them. Six figures masked and cloaked in black strode into the med bay. They seemed to cast a silence about them; all who came near quickly scurrying out of their way. Mela was the first to reach her, tugging off her helmet even as she wrapped Rey in a tight hug.
"Are you alright?" she asked, thrusting Rey to arm's length again and scanning her from head to foot.
The others crowded around, Corann and Decha freeing themselves from their helmets as well to stand next to the door. Cy pulled Tal aside, questioning the trooper about what he'd seen happen. Rey's tired mind couldn't keep track of it all. There was too much noise. So many voices speaking and asking questions that she couldn't hear Ben's song.
"Rey," Mela said, her gentle voice pulling Rey's attention back to her. "What happened?"
Rey felt her face twist in grief and anger, the fury inside her leaping up like a great fire.
"It was Finn," she said. "He was the one who did this. I ki- I killed him for it."
Mela's eyes went wide.
"He was here? How did he even get aboard the ship?"
"I think I have an answer to that," Sim said, coming forward to join their conversation. "The ID on his armor was HB-1699. My guess is he stole the armor of a dead trooper we had yet to identify and infiltrated our ranks."
Mela's lip curled in disgust.
"And the rest of the Resistance?" she asked.
"We took some prisoners, but the rest are dead," Sim replied, her voice hard.
Rey nodded, swaying a little over her feet. The weakness in her legs had returned and she sank back against the wall. Mela looked at her, questions in her eyes. For the first time in hours, Rey remembered the baby and she felt her face drain of what little blood was still left.
"Are you alright, Rey?" asked Mela.
"I don't know," Rey replied, her voice faint even to her own ears. "I don't think I am."
And, with that, the tears finally came. The grief broke like a storm against her to send them running down her face as she pressed her fist to her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs. Mela drew her in again, wrapping her arms around Rey's shoulders and stroking her hair, making soft noises of comfort as Rey shook with the weight of her agony. Even Sim drew closer and laid a warm hand on Rey's arm.
The guilt boiled up and spilled out of her as she cried; a reminder of all that she could not undo. Finn was dead because of her. Ben was dying and it was her fault. She should have known. She should have been able to save him. She looked down at her hands, and she could almost see the blood dripping from them. She could not heal him. She could only take life now, not give it. The curse of the darkness.
"I can't stay here," she said, pushing herself out of Mela's embrace. "I can't stand waiting here like this anymore…"
Anger flared and died in her at the knight's look of pity. She hated it. She didn't deserve it. She was a murderer. A monster. She turned away, but not before she threw one last look to the door between her and Ben. It remained closed against her, shutting her out.
With a hollow feeling beginning inside her, Rey walked away. To her surprise, Sim followed her, keeping pace at her side.
"You don't have to follow me," she said woodenly. "I don't need your help."
"I know," the trooper said, catching her by the arm to turn Rey to face her. "I just wanted you to know that we're with you."
"I know."
"No, you don't," Sim said, looking her straight in the face. "But you will."
Rey didn't reply as she pulled away from Sim to continue her lonely trek through the corridors of the Finalizer. She didn't go to her apartments. She traveled a few doorways further and scanned her palm at the entrance to Ben's room. The door hissed open to reveal the room beyond. It was dark and cold. Dead.
She crept through the quiet, almost afraid to make a noise. It was an extension of the frozen stillness inside her, and she was afraid that if she shattered it, Ben might slip through its cracks into the void beyond. His bed still lay unmade, the covers twisted in the aftermath of another of his nightmares. She crawled into it, pulling the blankets to her nose. They smelled of him and she closed her eyes, trying to imagine him lying next to her. But the sheets were cold, and Ben was far away from her now, fading even as she listened for his song.
She could feel it.
He was dying…
A/N (the sequel): Hi again everybody. So I guess I promised an explanation.
I would like to make it very clear that the events of this chapter have absolutely nothing to do with race. I have had this chapter in the works for at least six months to a year and from the beginning, it has had nothing to do with the color of the characters' skin and everything to do with Rey's relationship with Finn. He is the only one from the younger generation of the Resistance to truly befriend her. If it had been Poe, I would have used Poe. If it had been Rose, I would have used Rose. But I felt that the tie of friendship (however thinly stretched in my story) would still exist in some form, regardless of the actions of Finn and the Resistance in past chapters. It is precisely because of this tie between the two that I chose for Finn to die in this chapter. Rey is forced to face what she has become and come to terms with herself and change herself, if she can. Finn is a catalyst to the reaction. This chapter was not written to glorify violence and death. If anything, it was written with the opposite in mind: that anger can blind us to how precious life is and how quickly it can slip away. I implore you all to remember this and to be kind where you can be and to be gentle with the lives of others.
There is a verse from Micah that has stayed in my mind these past few weeks and months: "And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8). I do not claim to be perfect and I still have much to learn from others. I ask for time and patience. Please feel free to send me a PM if you still have concerns about this chapter. I would love to have a discussion.
Take care of yourselves until next time!
-Emmeth