Twenty-Five
Author's Note: This chapter mentions pregnancy loss in somewhat graphic detail. Also mentions of spousal abuse.
There were a total of four walkers in the building Carol and Daryl had checked out. The other groups found another dozen between them. After every last one was put down, tossed down the stairwells and dragged out into a pile outside, every last crawlspace and room was checked until they were satisfied the danger was gone.
It was a group effort that took hours. The corpses were lit on fire, and as they burned, Shane, Rick, Daryl and T-Dog worked to dig a hole big enough to bury the remains. The air smelled of burnt, rotten flesh, and the scent got in their clothes and on their skin. It was impossible to shake. So when everyone started back to the main dorm for the night, agreeing to put off grabbing supplies until morning, the first place everyone made a beeline for was the shower rooms.
When Carol left the shower room with her hair drip drying on her clean shirt, she headed for her and Sophia's room. At first, she was alarmed to find the door open, but when she stepped closer, she was happy to find Sophia and Carl doing what looked like math homework. Carol looked around for Lori but didn't see her.
Carl was the first to look up, and he put his pencil and book aside.
"Did you see any walkers?"
"A few," Carol nodded, crossing her arms across her chest. She saw the worried look crease Sophia's brows, and she shook her head. "Don't worry. We took care of them."
"You did?" Sophia asked.
"Well, the group did," Carol insisted.
"Did you?" Sophia asked. "Did you put one down?"
"A couple," Carol said with a little nod.
"Was it scary?" Sophia asked, wide-eyed.
"It was scary. That's why I don't want either of you going near those things until you're properly trained. Even after, I want you to keep your distance. You hear me?" Sophia nodded. Carol looked around again. "Carl, where's your mom?"
"She wasn't feeling good. She told us to do some math work for a while. She was gonna go lay down." Carol nodded.
"Ok. You two stay here. I'm gonna go check on her, ok?"
"Where's my dad?"
"Probably in the showers. We all worked hard today. Don't worry. He's fine. Tired, but fine." Carol offered him a tired smile. "Sophia? You ok?"
"I'm fine. Carl's helping me with fractions." Carol narrowed her eyes at her daughter. Fractions were difficult for a lot of people, but not Sophia. When she saw the blush of pink on Sophia's cheeks, she realized what was going on.
"Oh, okay," Carol said slowly.
"I got mostly B's on my fractions," Carl said with a proud nod. Carol looked to Sophia who just ducked her head a little. The girl always brought home A's in math, but she wasn't about to spoil her fun.
"Well, if you have any questions, I know Hershel is pretty good with math."
"We've got answers in the back of the book. We can check our work," Sophia insisted.
"Oh. Well, you two have fun," Carol grinned. She stepped out of the room, passing by Shane as she headed to Rick and Lori's room. He acknowledged her with a lingering stare that struck her as odd before she stopped in front of the door and knocked. "Lori?"
"Is it just you?" Lori's voice sounded strained, which was definitely cause for alarm.
"It's just me."
"Come in." Carol pushed the door open and found Lori half-sitting, half-lying on the bottom bunk. She was sweat-covered and pale. Carol quickly shut the door and moved across the room. She felt Lori's forehead. No sign of fever, but the woman winced in pain and brought her hand down low on her stomach. Carol flinched, remembering her own history with pregnancy.
"I think I'm losing the baby," Lori bit out. "Something's wrong." Carol sat down next to Lori, and Lori whimpered when another pain hit her.
"I need to get Hershel."
"No. No, there's nothing he can do," Lori choked out. "There's nothing anybody can do." Carol knew she was right. If Lori was in fact having a miscarriage, there were no facilities to take her to, no medicines readily available to try to stop it.
"Let me get Rick."
"No. No, please," Lori choked out. "Just wait." She took a few shaking breaths, and she sat up a little and blinked back tears. "I haven't even told Shane yet. I think he suspects, but he's pretty much kept his distance." She grabbed the steel of the bottom of the top bunk and leaned forward a little. "Ok. Maybe…maybe you should go get Hershel? I want to talk to him before I talk to Rick. Every time I mention the baby, Rick gets this look in his eyes. I know he wants to forgive me, but he can't yet." She let out a groan, and Carol reached out to put her hand on her friend's shoulder.
"Just lay back. I'll get him. Ok? I'll be right back." Carol helped Lori ease back onto the mattress, but before she could turn to go, the door opened wide, and Rick walked in. He stopped in the doorframe the moment he saw Lori's face scrunched up in pain. He dropped his pack on the desk, and took a couple steps toward.
"What's…what's happening?" Carol felt Lori grip her arm, and she looked over her shoulder.
"Go get Hershel."
"Is she…"
"Just go get Hershel. Now," Carol offered in an even tone. "And shut the door." Rick swallowed hard, and his expression was one between worry and uncertainty, but he did turn and close the door like Carol had asked him.
"God," Lori choked out, covering her face with her hands. "I messed everything up."
"I don't know," Carol said with a sad smile. "The world messed up on its own. Everybody else is just surviving the best they know how."
"Carol? Have you ever…did you ever lose a baby?" Carol looked down for a moment before taking Lori's hand. She offered her a little nod and her lower lip trembled.
"I have. I also had a scare with Sophia. I thought for sure I was losing her, but they were just cramps. My body adjusting to the growing baby."
"Do you think that's what this is?"
"It could be," Carol offered quietly. "I don't want to say it's not. Have you been bleeding?"
"Spotting. Just here and there for a day now." Carol nodded. "That can happen."
"It never did with Carl. Aside from morning sickness and swollen ankles, everything was pretty easy with Carl up until the end when I had to have a C-Section."
"Every pregnancy is different," Carol said quietly. "I was lucky to have Sophia. I got pregnant pretty easily. Sophia was my first, and I was terrified, but she came out healthy. I had a miscarriage not long after she was born. I had another miscarriage a while after that. Ed had gotten mad at me and just didn't hold back. I got pregnant again, and I made it to four months with that one. Ed pushed me down the stairs, and I…"
"Oh God," Lori choked out. Carol flinched when Lori put her hand on her arm.
"I'm sorry," Carol murmured. "Here you are scared and hurting, and I'm going on about my own problems."
"I asked," Lori whispered. "I'm so sorry." Lori put her hand on her own belly. "The pain's stopping. That's good, right?"
"I think that's good," Carol said quietly, turning at the sound of shuffling outside the door. A knock came, and a moment later, the door opened to reveal Hershel and Rick. Carol started to move, but Lori held onto her hand a little tighter. "Stay. Will you please stay?" Carol looked to Rick who looked positively lost, and then she looked to Lori. She recognized that fear in her friend's eyes, and it was clear Rick could not be a comfort now.
"I'll stay," Carol promised. "Just try not to worry."
…
She turned in the bed for the third time in five minutes. Daryl could practically hear her thinking as she lay snuggled up beside him. She hadn't complained about being too warm once, and in fact, she'd tucked herself just a little closer each time she turned.
Daryl shrugged one arm up and pulled it around her shoulders, caressing the bare skin there as she let out a sleepy sigh.
"You ok?" he asked into the darkness.
"Mmm, I'm ok," she murmured.
"You're awful quiet. This have somethin' to do with Lori?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "Maybe." Daryl groaned softly and reached to flick the lantern on. They both squinted into the darkness, and he turned onto his side to look at her. "I feel bad for her. Everybody knows about the baby, now. And Shane's looking at her like he was back at the farm. Possessive, almost." Word of Lori's condition had spread fast despite the hush-hush nature of Rick's trip to get Hershel. Besides, everyone was bound to find out sooner or later. "I can't help but feel like he's a ticking time bomb."
"Rick's gonna have to get a handle on him." Carol scooted closer, and Daryl slid his harm comfortingly up and down her back. "Hershel says she's gonna be ok? The baby, too?"
"Yeah, but he wants her resting for a few weeks. I guess we have no choice but to stay put."
"Ain't so bad here," he said quietly. "In a couple days we can go out, see what's close. Might hit the jackpot on supplies someplace." Carol offered him a tense smile in return, and his hand paused on her back. "You gonna tell me?"
"Tell what?"
"What you been thinkin' about since we turned the light out." Carol sighed and shook her head, and Daryl brought his hand up to her face. He brushed his thumb along her jaw, and she finally dragged her gaze up to look him in the eye.
"Today just brought back a lot of memories for me."
"You wanna tell me about it?"
"It was a long time ago," she said quietly. She blinked back tears, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"Don't matter. Old pain hurts just as much as new. Sometimes worse." Carol took a deep breath and nodded. Looking into his eyes, she felt a sense of calm wash over her. He was her safe place. He was her light in dark times.
"I was just thinking about the babies I lost after Sophia." She swallowed thickly, the ache of tears threatening to fall making her throat tighten with each breath. "The last one? I told you I fell down the stairs." She sighed and shook her head. "It's what I told the doctors. Ed pushed me." Daryl leaned in and pressed a kiss to her shoulder.
"Kinda thought it might be somethin' like that." He pulled back and brushed a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb.
"I wasn't just four months pregnant. I was almost nineteen weeks." She sniffled. "I know the fall knocked me out for something like five minutes. I remember it hurt to move, and I thought I'd broken my back. Sophia was crying. Her little bookbag was still strapped to her back. Front door was wide open from when she came in from the bus. She was just shaking me all over saying 'mama, wake up.' She just kept crying. Ed was gone. I don't know where he went, but it made the lie easier when I told the paramedics I fell down the stairs." She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, she looked into his eyes to see that safe place again, that warmth that soothed her in a way nothing else could.
"M'sorry that happened to you."
"I didn't know what was happening. Not at first. But I got up, because Sophia was talking to someone on the phone. She'd learned at school about calling 911. I don't know why I got up, but the second I did, I felt something between my legs. I thought I'd wet myself or something. I was disoriented. But I felt pain. I thought I was bleeding. Turns out, my water broke. I got to Sophia and I sort of passed out on the couch until the paramedics came. The last thing I remember was being loaded onto the ambulance and Sophia crying for me while one of the paramedics held her hand. When I woke up, I was in the hospital, and I felt, I don't know, hollow. I touched my stomach, and something wasn't right. It felt bulky but not pregnant. The doctor reminded me about the accident. He said I was in and out of it when they brought me in, but I lost the baby. I don't even remember it, but they said I was delivering before I got out of the ambulance."
"It's ok," he murmured, stroking her back as she sucked in a shuddering breath again. "I'm here."
"I guess I kept bleeding, and they had to go in to stop it. The had to cut me open, but they got it stopped." Her hand traced over the faded surgical scar on her lower belly. She knew he'd seen it many times, but he'd never pressed her on it. "I kept asking for my baby, and they had to keep telling me it was gone. They asked me if I wanted to see him." She blinked her tears away again. "Him. It was a boy."
"God," he murmured. His tongue was thick in his mouth, unable to say much else.
"I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him. The next thing I know, Ed's rushing in like he had no idea what was going on. He was holding Sophia's hand, and he was playing the doting husband and father." She scoffed. "I hated him. I hated him so much, but I hated myself more. I blamed myself for letting it happen."
"You didn't."
"I know," Carol said quietly. "Now." She sniffled. "The whole thing made Ed resent me all the more. He never said it, but I think he blamed me for the fact that he killed his own son." She shook her head. "You know, I don't even think Sophia remembers that. If she does, she doesn't talk about it. She was just seven. I never really talked about the baby with her, because I'd had two previous miscarriages. I just didn't want to get her hopes up, you know?" Daryl nodded, and he rubbed soothing circles over Carol's back with his calloused hands. A surge of emotion hit her like a tidal wave, and she trembled in his arms. She bit back a sob and buried her face against his neck, sobbing softly. "Sorry. I'm sorry."
"Hey, you don't gotta apologize. It's ok. M'here." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and he held her as she cried. He fell quiet and listened to the sounds of her breath catching with each sob until her breathing began to slow and her sniffles quieted. When she pulled back, he brushed the tears from her face with his fingertips.
"I haven't talked about that in a long time." She shook her head. "He doesn't even have a grave. We had him cremated. I spread his ashes over my parents' graves. And then it was like he never existed. Ed never talked about him. Sophia asked me, once, why my belly wasn't big anymore, and I didn't know how to answer her. I never really did. I think she saw how sad it made me and didn't bring it up again. Eventually, I think she just forgot."
"Yeah. There's a lot of shit I blocked out when I was a kid. Sometimes it comes back to me in the middle of the night, ya know? Like a nightmare, only you realize it ain't a dream. It's a memory."
"Yeah. I get that a lot, too." She wiped at her eyes and leaned in to kiss him.
"Thank you for listening."
"You don't gotta thank me for that. It's what we do, right?"
"Right," she whispered. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too." He hugged her close.
"M'sorry for what that son of a bitch did to ya. M'sorry that 'cause of him you never got to have another Sophia."
"It was better that way. Losing my son broke my heart, but if I'd gotten pregnant again, I would have…" She cleared her throat. "I wouldn't have wanted to bring another baby into that life. It wasn't right. I protected Sophia the best I could, but it got harder the older she got." Daryl nodded a little. "Still, I thought about it, a lot, you know? I couldn't help it. I thought about how good of a big sister Sophia would have been. I wondered what my son would've looked like." She curled into him again, resting her head on his chest. "Did you ever want kids?"
He let out a slow breath, and a soft groan rumbled in his chest.
"No. Didn't wanna have a chance to make the same mistakes my folks made. My daddy wasn't no better than your husband." Carol placed a kiss to his shoulder and rested her chin on his chest to look at him.
"You could never be like that."
"Didn't wanna take the chance that the bad in them might pass down to my kid."
"It wouldn't have. You'd have been a good dad." She chewed her bottom lip for a moment and looked up at him. Her eyes glassed over again, and he knew what she was thinking. He leaned in to kiss her again.
"We got a lot of work to do to make a world worth livin' in. Maybe we'll get that someday. If we do? I still got everything I need already. Don't need nothin' else. Alright?" Carol smiled through her tears and nodded her head.
"Alright," she whispered.
"We best get some sleep. You ok?"
"Yeah. I feel better. Thank you." She snuggled up against him, giving him one last kiss for the night.
"Love you," he murmured against her lips. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She knew he meant what he said. Whatever happened, she had Sophia and Daryl. That was all she needed, and that was what she was going to hold on to.
"I love you, too."
Author's Note: It was brought to my attention about a continuity error. I thought I had fixed it, but poor internet connection and sleep deprivation clearly got in the way. Back in Chapter 17, I originally intended for Shane to find out about Lori's pregnancy. I thought I had fixed my error, but I had not. My intention after editing was to make it clear that Shane and Rick had a confrontation about the affair but not know about the baby. The original draft had him finding out about the baby. I have gone back to edit Chapter 17 properly to hopefully make things make a little more sense. I apologize for the confusion!