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30

Ruva didn't come out of her room again, not even for dinner.

When Arra eventually came in, Ruva just rolled over on her bed, feeling too bad to even greet her.

She inwardly hoped that Arra would sense her distress and give her comfort, but she didn't, instead getting ready before hopping into her own bed, without saying a single word. The silence between them was a giant ravine, there was nothing in the world that would make it across.

Ruva felt even worse.

The night stretched on and on, Ruva was awake long after Arra had fallen asleep.

Even though she could hear her friend's steady breathing, Ruva had never felt so alone. The guilt that had been burning through her built and built, until it came rushing out in waves of tears.

Everything was going wrong, and there was nothing Ruva could do without making it worse.

And even when she had no tears left to spill, Ruva still felt terrible, her mind going over and over everything she'd done wrong.

She wanted to sleep. Wanted to disappear into that warm and safe world, where nobody expected anything from her.

But the more she grabbed at it, the more it eluded her. Ruva still felt wide awake hours later, when the world was silent and lonely.

Eventually her ribbons came into view, and Ruva felt an aching comfort at their familiarity.

Just like she had done before, Ruva let go of her restraints, swimming in a sea of memories and ribbons.

Eventually, she fell asleep.

…

Ruva woke up late the next morning, fighting against the sleep that wanted her back.

Pulling herself out of bed, Ruva was no longer swamped with guilt, something that she was grateful for.

But she didn't feel normal, either. Everything seemed… muted. She felt like she was viewing the world in black and white instead of colour, like everything was just a little bit less.

But she would take black and white any day if it meant she wouldn't feel guilty, or lonely, or upset.

"Are you up, Angel?" said Arra, "Come on, we're going home today, and I want to leave as early as we can!"

Ruva gave a small smile, grabbing her clothes and changing into them. When she came out, she realised that Arra had finished packing her bag for her, something that made her even more grateful.

She tried to express her gratitude to Arra, but Arra spent the entire time rambling, and Ruva couldn't find a chance to speak.

And soon they were going down to the food court for the final time this semester, Arra moving with a spring in her step.

Tua was flying around them, she seemed so vibrant compared to the snow around her. It was good that there were no more classes today, Ruva had no idea what she would do if there was.

Both she and Arra smiled as Tua gracefully soared, the bird always seemed so free, enough to lighten any mood.

They made it to the food court without incident, Tua landing on Ruva's shoulder without her having to ask.

The three of them went inside, everyone they saw in good spirits. A fortnight without classes was certainly a relief, and everyone else seemed to agree.

Except, not everyone was happy.

Ruva looked to one table to see Alex, D.C. and Bear looking to the doors, intense looks on their faces.

Like whenever she was curious, Ruva's ribbons came into view, and – wow – their ribbons were all over the place. The three of them were radiating concern, all their attention focused on a single ribbon coming from a person.

Ruva guessed that the person was Jordan, the only one missing from their group, but their reaction was unusual and threaded with too much anxiety to be normal.

But there was no more Ruva could work out from a distance, and Arra was already pulling her forward. She hadn't noticed their worried faces, she was filled with energy and couldn't wait to get home.

They sat down at a table with Harry and Leo, Arra ordering a cake for her breakfast.

"Arra, you cannot have cake for breakfast!" said Harry, looking up from his bowl of cereal.

"Yes. I can," she replied, "I'm going home after a semester of work, I deserve to treat myself."

Harry put down his spoon, looking Arra in the eye. "You literally live in a café, would it kill you to wait until then?"

Ruva tried to hide her smile, and she could see Leo doing the same.

"Seriously," said Harry. "You just can't have cake for breakfast, it's like eating pizza with a knife and fork."

They were all silent for a moment, before as one they started laughing. Who knew Harry had such food standards?

Arra broke her slice of cake in half, offering some to Harry. "I guess that means you can't have this piece?" she said, waggling her eyebrow.

Harry didn't miss a beat. "You see, it's completely different if the cake is a gift, then it's definitely allowed." He grabbed the cake from Arra's hand and ate it, smacking his lips loudly. "Mm, nothing like a cake to start the holidays."

Arra rolled her eyes, making Ruva laugh. She then handed out some cake to both her and Leo, and they sat around the table eating cake for breakfast.

Looking at her friends, Ruva suddenly realised how at-home she felt. Despite the ordinary nature of the conversation, everything seemed right. Everyone interacted in perfect harmony, radiating positive energy.

She wanted to remember this moment for the rest of her life.

So Ruva leaned back, relaxing as she tucked into her cake – which was just as good as it looked.

…

Half an hour later, when the four of them had consumed much more cake than was healthy, they were all ready to go.

They all stood up, Harry mumbling "I'm not forgetting my backpack this time."

A smile quirked on Ruva's lips, the guilt and emptiness she felt the night before a distant memory.

Arra laughed, pulling out her bubbler, smashing it to the ground. "See you all next term!" she said, stepping into the colourful mass.

Everyone else started pulling out their own bubblers, Harry the next to leave. He smashed his bubbler to the ground, carefully checking that he had his backpack before stepping through.

Now it was just Leo and Ruva, both of them wearing small smiles and flushed cheeks.

Tua rustled on Ruva's neck, and Ruva tilted her head onto the vibrant finch, clutching her backpack and shouldering it on.

Leo smiled, giving a small wave. He stepped through the bubbledoor, and then he was gone.

Should she had said something? Maybe 'have a good holiday' or 'see you next semester'? Not even 'goodbye'?

But there was no way she could take back that moment, Leo was already gone.

Ruva took in a deep breath, taking a final moment to observe the near-empty food court. The only students there were the ones who arrived late, and Ruva could see them eating a hurried breakfast.

Alex, Bear and D.C. were still there, still waiting for their friend to arrive. Ruva could almost feel their tension, it seemed to radiate from them. She sighed, smashing her own bubbler to the ground. She hoped that whatever was making them stressed, it would soon resolve.

Ruva gave Tua a stroke, pushing her closer to the crease in her neck.

"Hold tight," she whispered, "We're about to go home."

She stepped through the bubbledoor, colours whizzing past her too quick to recognise. Tua shrieked in Ruva's ear, but she just smiled, Tua found it just as exciting as her.

They came out the other end of the bubbledoor, Ruva smiling at the familiar palace receiving room, guards placed on either sides of the main doors.

She turned around, seeing Sela and Corbin waiting with open arms. Ruva ran towards them, a vibrant smile spreading across her face.

But before she could reach them, Tua fell from her perch, thumping onto the cold, marble floor.

"Tua!" cried Ruva, dropping her things and scooping up the limp bird. Tia shivered slightly, making a faint wheezing noise when she breathed.

Ruva's hands were shaking, and she slowly brought Tua to her face. "Tua…" she whispered, tears threatening to fall. "What can I do?"

What was wrong with Tua? Did the bubbledoor do something to her? Was she going to be okay?

Ruva felt something warm touch her shoulder, and she realised it was Sela's hand.

"Bring her to the infirmary," she said, squeezing her shoulder. "We'll take care of her."

Ruva nodded through her tears. Yes, she needed to help, move, anything was better than staying there.

She cradled her limp bird as she stood, moving as quickly as she dared, anything to help Tua.

She would help her… Ruva couldn't bear to think what would happen if she didn't.

…

Ruva looked down at Tua's prone form, guilt washing through her once more.

Morning sunshine glinted through the infirmary windows, but Ruva didn't notice. All she could think about was Tua, she needed her bird to be okay.

Sela had done everything she could, it was up to Tua if she recovered.

What was she thinking, bringing Tua through the bubbledoor? She should never had–

"It wasn't your fault, Sweetie," she said, wrapping her arms around Ruva. "You couldn't have known she'd react so drastically to bubbledoors."

Ruva stepped into an embrace with Sela, realising just how much she missed her.

She was just as Ruva remembered, smelling of rose perfume with a hint of disinfectant, the way she always smelt after coming home from the infirmary.

Although, she wasn't exactly how Ruva remembered. Her belly seemed bigger than before, almost swollen.

Ruva gasped as the realisation hit her, and she looked expectantly to Sela.

Sela smiled, an expression filled with so much joy it made Ruva feel wobbly. "I'm pregnant," she said, her smile somehow growing even bigger. "You're going to be a big sister."

Ruva froze, unable to form a reaction.

Did she just say…

"I – I'm two months away, and I know we didn't tell you, but Corbin and I were just so unsure we would make it this far. We – we've lost children before, and we just didn't know–"

Ruva cut off Sela's rambling with another hug, holding it for even longer than before.

She was going to be a big sister

The realisation left Ruva in awe, scenarios started running through her mind.

She would look after the child when Sela and Corbin were at work, take them on walks through the forest, teach them to ride, and showing them how to climb trees. They would love spending time with her, and she would ride bareback with them, showing them all the tricks she could do and–

The opportunities were endless.

When Ruva and Sela finally pulled apart, apart, Ruva's ribbons came into view as they often did. Ruva was amazed to see that Sela's stomach pulsed with ribbons, a kaleidoscopic ball of colours that Ruva realised was her child.

The ribbons were nothing more than bands of colour surrounding the child, but Ruva suspected that would change when the child was born.

Smiling at the incredible sight, Ruva pushed her ribbons out of the way so she could concentrate once more.

Sela noticed her expression, giving her shoulders a squeeze. "Feeling better now?" she asked.

Ruva nodded, she hadn't felt better in days.

And then, she heard a flutter of wings; Tua was starting to wake.

Ruva's hand lifted to the sleepy bird, and she ran her warm fingers across Tua, gently waking her up. Tua's eyes opened, and she rubbed her head into Ruva's hand, reminding Ruva of a cat.

"Are you okay now, Tua?" she asked, caressing her fingers across Tua's feathers.

Tua rose up, stretching out her wings, creating a gentle breeze. "Healthy now," she said, jumping onto Ruva's wrist.

Ruva broke into a grateful smile, and she lifted up Tua to her usual perch. Then she turned, realising that Sela was looking at her expectantly. "Tua says she is healthy again, and I want to show her my room."

Sela stood up, placing her hand on Ruva's shoulder. "Sounds like a plan."

…

Ruva was lying on her bed, watching Tua fly around the room.

She felt truly relaxed for the first time in weeks, there were no classes to attend, no weekly schedule, no expectations, nothing. Ruva could do whatever she wanted, whatever made her feel good.

Making up her mind, Ruva said, "Come on, Tua, let's go for a ride."

Tua chirped her enthusiasm and they set off for the stable.

Ruva brought Admiral out of his stall, his chestnut coat glinting in the morning sunshine. "Come on, Admiral," she said. "I've been gone since summer and I want to show Tua everything."

Admiral huffed, the hot air steaming in the cold climate. "Fine, I could do with some exercise, I haven't been taken out for three days now," he said, throwing a pretentious look to Ruva.

Ruva smiled and mounted in one swift motion, relishing in the feel of a horse beneath her. She could feel his sides expand and contract as he breathed, the steady pulse under his warm coat.

Ruva threaded her fingers through his mane, her heart pounding in anticipation. Tua landed on her shoulder, gripping just as tight as she was.

She took a deep breath in, the cold air giving her goosebumps.

She squeezed Admiral's sides, and he broke into a gallop.

Cold air rushed around them, stabbing tiny daggers on whatever skin they could find. But Ruva whooped for joy, absorbing everything that had changed since the summer holidays.

Admiral's hooves beat in time with Ruva's heart, her hands numb as they gripped his mane. Tua clung onto Ruva's neck, until she was swept away by the wind, soaring high above. Ruva laughed, her plait whipping in the wind.

And then, her ribbons came into view, making the entire experience more vivid.

She could see the life thriving around her. Ribbons were constantly moving, interacting with each other and their environment. The ribbons weaved a web so exquisite that Ruva was absorbed by it. She was surrounded by thousands of lives, from the tiny insects to humans nearby. As they passed by, Ruva absorbed fragments of memory from every ribbon.

The smell of a spring morning, the sound of a sleeping cat, the taste of fresh berries, the feeling of bark under her hands. A seaside breeze, a bird's first chirp.

Every moment made Ruva feel so peaceful, how things that seemed so ordinary could become beautiful.

Ruva eventually pulled out of her ribbons, focusing on her surroundings.

Admiral had brought her to a clearing, and now was drinking from an icy stream. Birds had gathered around Ruva, and Tua gleaned off her attention and put herself in the spotlight.

Ruva smiled as she dismounted, stretching her stiff and icy legs. Admiral didn't say anything, just huffed – not that Ruva expected anything, she had grown used to his pretentious moods.

Ruva walked around the peaceful clearing, eventually choosing a tree to climb.

The branches were cold as ice, damp from rain and dew. As always, birds gathered around her, and Ruva took comfort in their presence, the way they always trusted her.

Ruva took in a deep breath, rejoicing in the familiar green and wet smell. She felt amazing, calm for the first time in weeks.

Eventually, when her hands grew numb, Ruva decided to climb down.

"Come on, Tua," she said in a quiet tone. "It's time to go home, the sun will set soon."

Tua flew towards Ruva, but stopped on a branch instead of going to her usual spot. "I don't want to go home, Ruva," said Tua.

Ruva's brow crinkled, surprised at Tua's fluency. This time she had spent with other birds must have been good for her.

"What do you mean you don't want to go home? Do you want to be back at Akarnae?" she said, her head tilting.

Tua seemed to take a deep breath before she spoke. "I want to live out in this forest, not with you. You keep me trapped inside, only taking me out once a day. Inside I'm lonely, I can't even feel the wind. And then you hurt me, taking me through the Rainbowshinything."

Ruva stopped.

Tua was right.

She had done nothing good for her, only held her back from freedom, neglecting her duties to Tua. She had been a terrible person, caring only about herself and her own life. She hardly thought of Tua when she was out of her room, being selfish. Selfish selfish selfish selfish.

"You're right," Ruva said, her breath catching. "I haven't been caring for you, not like I should. I should have given you more freedom, should have made sure you were never lonely." Ruva stopped again, the tightness in her chest making her choke. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she knew that they wouldn't last long before they fell.

"I want to try again, Tua, I'll always leave the window open for you, take you with me wherever I go. I'll ask the birds to come visit you and–"

"Stop," she said. "I know you want the best for me but…" Tua paused, looked guiltily at Ruva. "I think it's best that I leave."

At that moment, Ruva saw the orange ribbon, the ribbon of admiration, between her and Tua. As the silence between them grows longer, the ribbon grows tighter, until it was like a rigid band between them.

Ruva blinked, making the tears in her eyes fall. She managed one word, only in a whisper.

"Okay."

The ribbon snapped.

Ruva felt it like a physical pain, as she watched the ends of the ribbon drift apart. She could reach out and grab it, if she really wanted to, maybe even join the ribbon back together.

Her hand lifted on its own accord, shaking not just from the cold. She held it there, having no clue what to do next.

But, now she had no choice, as she watched the ends of the ribbon change colour. Now they were grey, a colour Ruva had never seen in her own ribbons.

She couldn't move. She could barely see through all the tears in her eyes.

"Goodbye, Ruva," said Tua, stretching out her wings.

Tua Human Named flew off into the sky, her vibrant blue wings reflecting the light.

But Ruva didn't have wings, she was trapped on the ground.