On the topic of friends, it is also worth noting that there is nobody quite so capable of getting under your skin and annoying you as is your Best Friend. And of course, there is nobody else who would be allowed such outrageous liberties as ridiculous nicknames or jokes about your personal habits.
Excerpt from 'Interview With An Assassin'
"So," Poppy said. "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I had two kings in the last deal, and two demons, and then I used the Glabrezu and the King of hearts to build myself a Minor Rulership. And you're wondering if I could possibly have got enough good cards in this deal to build myself something really good, like Triumvirate, or if I'm gonna have to fold. So, I guess the question you really ought to ask yourself is: 'Do I feel lucky?'" She grinned, eyes twinkling. "Well? Do ya…punk?"
"Punk?" her opponent said in a lazily insolent voice, raising an eyebrow. "Little one, I believe you forget yourself. It should really be 'Superior Grand Master of 'Monarchs and Monsters'."
The halfling's grin widened. "Oooh, playing rough, aren't we? 'Little one'…the only 'little' thing around here will be your ego once I get through with you. You're gonna be begging me for instruction, just you wait."
"Hardly," Dekaras said, giving his friend a small smirk. He eyed the pile on the table carefully. "I rather think you're going to be begging me for a chance to win back your losses, since I'm planning to make you utterly bankrupt." The assassin put a hint of polite helpfulness into his voice. "Unless you're ready to give up?"
"Ha! Hardly! I'm buying two more cards and selling one. And I'll raise you ten."
"Very well. I will join you and raise you twenty."
"Right then. Time for the showdown, long-shanks."
"Any time, little one."
Both assassins spread their cards on the table, Poppy with a dramatic flourish, and her companion with considerably more restraint. Then there were a few seconds of silence.
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong," Dekaras said, "but I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be ten Archmages in the deck, nor should there be more than one High Trump."
"Guess not, Dekkie," Poppy said, smiling innocently. "I wonder where they all came from? Probably the same place as those three Backstab cards that seem to have mysteriously popped out of nowhere."
"Ah…a sound theory." The tall assassin gave his friend a humorous look across the table. "I admit I did wonder if you'd cheat as outrageously as you always did that summer when we were twelve and we played this all the time."
"'Course I would, Dekkie! That's the really fun part, seeing which one of us can come up with the wildest cheats. And you're just as bad as me. I remember that time when you actually ate the Black Death so you wouldn't have to play it."
"What can I say?" Dekaras said with a shrug. "I like winning. Anyway, I would say we're about even, so let's split the winnings." He divided the heap on the table in two equal parts, pushed one half across to his friend and kept the other for himself. "Not that I suffer from an acute lack of toothpicks, but it's the principle of the thing…"
The reason for the two assassins entertaining themselves in this fashion was that Kagain the dwarf still hadn't returned to Beregost, and so Dekaras was stuck there until the mercenary got back to provide him with some clues to Edwin's whereabouts. He had rented himself a room across the street from where Kagain ran the shop that worked as a front for his mercenary activities and had resigned himself to a dull wait. "You know," he said, not for the first time. "You don't really have to do this. I'm sure your niece is expecting you, and it's not as if I won't be fine on my own."
Poppy snorted loudly, brown pigtails bouncing. "Yeah right, Dekkie!" she said. "Fine like you were when I ran into you? Fine enough to carve your heart to bits with your mind?" She jumped off her chair and crossed the floor, then stopped next to him, leaning against his knee. "Nuh-uh. I'm staying right here, until I've made sure that you won't slip back into brood mood."
"I wouldn't do that."
"Yes, you would!" The halfling gave him a mildly exasperated look. "You need my company right now, and you know you want it. You're just being as hopeless as always when it comes to admitting you're not feeling well or that you can't handle everything on your own. I'm your Best Friend, you know. It's not as if I'm gonna get upset or despise you for it, I want to help you out."
"I know that," Dekaras said with a brief sigh. "And you know how much that means. It's just…difficult."
"I know, Dekkie," Poppy said, and she looked unusually serious. "I know. And that's exactly why I'm staying around until I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm not about to let my Best Friend torture himself, you know."
Dekaras was just about to reply to this when he found himself rather forcefully interrupted. There was a bright flash of light, and a wailing scream that seemed to be coming from far in the distance but to be rapidly approaching, as from out of a long tunnel. Then there was a loud THUMP and a stranger appeared out of nowhere, landing flat on his back in the middle of the floor. He was a skinny little man with a nervous twitch in his right cheek, and runny red eyes, and his clothes were all crumpled and badly fitting. When he noticed the two assassins watching him, he gave a small scream and twitched even worse than before. For some reason his clothes were giving off thin wisps of smoke.
Viekang shuddered violently as the remnants of the magical storm passed through him, making him quite nauseous. He didn't dare hope that this time he would have wound up someplace nice, with kind and understanding women who would fan him with great big feathers and feed him peeled grapes. No, scratch feeding, at least until his stomach settled down some more. He was on a floor, that was good. Once he'd teleported into the middle of the ocean, and another time he'd wound up a few miles up in the air but approaching the ground very quickly. Even worse, that time he'd been too shocked to get scared until he could actually see the treetops rushing towards him. And then there'd been the time with the Red Dragon. And…no. Mustn't think about that now. Floor was good. And it was staying in place, which was also good. And he was still alive, and in no immediate pain, which was even better. Perhaps this once, just this once, the soothing ladies would be there. Viekang carefully opened his eyes. Then he wished he hadn't.
There was a halfling standing over him with a nasty-looking short sword firmly grasped in one plump hand. Her thick brown pigtails with their big red bows created a strangely jolly contrast to the wicked edge of the blade and the hard glint in her big brown eyes.
Viekang's gaze traveled upwards, and he found out that the situation was even worse than he had first imagined. There was a tall and sinister-looking fellow dressed all in black standing next to the halfling and pointing a crossbow at the unlucky man on the floor. The fellow's sharp face was as emotionless as a mask, and he was giving Viekang a cool look along the length of a long and somewhat pointed nose. "You have one minute to explain your presence here," he said. "I suggest you make the explanation a good one." Then he smiled, a very unnerving gesture that carried with it the clear impression of fangs, and Viekang couldn't quite hold back a scream. Perhaps this wasn't so much better than…than what he had left behind after all. When the halfling tickled him in the ribs with her sword he felt certain that it wasn't.
Dekaras had been expecting results, certainly. He normally got those. He hadn't expected anything quite so dramatic though. The man on the floor screamed loudly, and then he started babbling in a terrified voice. "Please!" he cried out. "Please don't hurt me, I didn't mean to come here, it was all an accident, I'll go away right now if you wish, I just got so scared and when I get scared I can't help myself, and I'm scared now, very, very scared, oh, why won't it recharge yet, I need TO GET AWAY!"
"Get away from what?" Poppy curiously asked.
"From…from them! They hunted me, they wanted to kill me or worse, but they didn't know about my power, my curse…" The man got an insane look in his eyes, a curious mix of triumph and desperation. "When I get scared…I get away. But I can't control it, I don't know where I'll go next, and sometimes it's worse than where I started from…please don't kill me!"
"And who are they, exactly?" Dekaras said, using the tone of voice he had perfected for using whenever Edwin had been up to some form of mischief. It was a voice that suggested that he didn't believe a word the other person was saying and was about to get very unpleasant about it unless they reinvented their story within the next few moments. "Liches? Demons? Twisted Rune, perhaps? Or maybe…the Red Wizards?" The fellow on the floor seemed genuinely scared, but it could all be some form of clever ruse, a trap of Thayvian origin. The Red Wizards would be after him as well as Edwin, or else they might try to get to the boy through him, and he certainly wasn't about to allow that to happen.
"N-n-no!" Viekang stammered. "None of those, honestly! They were…were…" Suddenly his eyes fixed on something behind the two assassins and bulged with horror. "AAAAAAHHHH!" he screamed. "THEY'VE FOUND ME! THEY'RE HERE!" There was another bright flash of light and a loud bang, and then he was gone, as if he had never been there.
The two assassins had naturally noticed the look, and they quickly spun around to see a shimmering silvery mist drifting into the room from under the door. It rose and formed into a pillar, and then it coalesced, taking on solid form.
It looked more or less like a human man, young and handsome. But its skin was a lifeless, papery white, its nails grown into sharp claws, and there was a red and hungry fire in its eyes. It was wearing elegant court clothing, of Amnian fashion, but the rich red velvet suit clashed badly against the sharp teeth that were bared when the creature opened its mouth and hissed. "Where is he?" it asked. "We can smell him still, do not try to hide him from us!"
"Where is who?" Poppy innocently asked. "We meet so many people, don't you know."
"Yes," Dekaras said. "It comes with working in a people-oriented profession." He was watching the vampire cautiously, trying to anticipate an attack. Having fought such beings before, he knew exactly how dangerous they were, and how fast.
The vampire's eyes narrowed angrily. "You dare question me, carrion? Give the Bhaalspawn to me or suffer the consequences!"
Bhaalspawn? Now that is interesting. "A Bhaalspawn, you say?" Dekaras asked, making himself sound vaguely bored even as his finger slid imperceptibly towards a certain hidden pocket. "And what would you be wanting with such a one?" That twitchy little person was a child of Murder? How very odd. He did not look as if he could hurt a fly. On the other hand, I suppose Zaerini didn't look much like Sarevok either.
"That is not for you to know, human! Only for the Mistress! Now, will you give him to me?"
"Nope!" Poppy cheerfully said, shifting her grip on her sword. "We don't like getting ordered about by bucktoothed smelly old corpses."
"I AM NOT BUCKTOOTHED!"
"Ah, of course not," Dekaras thoughtfully added. "I can see it now. The impression is caused solely by your weak and receding chin. Whatever the case, it is pretty much unsightly. Almost as much as the almost complete mindlessness in your expression, though I suppose one should not expect too much from a wandering carcass that simply hasn't realized it's dead yet. Here is a hint. If you want to make a favorable impression on people, try hiding your face first. A solid black cloak raised in front of it should do the trick. I am not about to lend you mine though; for one thing I doubt I'd ever get rid of the stench. What do you even need to bite people for? You can simply breathe on them and they'll keel over dead." Very good. He's extremely angry now, and that will make him careless. Just one more, to cap things off. "And I hope you haven't invested heavily in an expensive coffin. When my friend and I are done with you, a small urn will be quite enough."
Screeching with rage the vampire attacked with the speed of a charging tiger, fangs bared.
Well, I got what I wanted, Dekaras thought. Now let's just hope the other part of the plan works, or this situation could rapidly become very awkward.
The vampire charged, claws outstretched, and fangs bared, its eyes glowing red with murderous hatred and bloodlust. And then it shrieked with horror and revulsion as a small glass bottle flew through the air, striking its face and releasing a clear fluid. Within seconds, the terrifying undead creature was on the floor, trying to tear its own face off, and doing a very good job of it. The previously handsome visage was a red and bloody ruin, and the fact that the creature's flesh kept regenerating only served to keep it in ongoing agony.
Dekaras didn't waste any time, but planted his knee in the vampire's back, grasping it by the hair as he positioned a very sharp dagger across the creature's throat. "Now," he said in a pleasant voice, "I know that vampires regenerate tissue very quickly. So, the question is, if I cut your head off, can you grow a new one before your body falls to pieces? Shall we attempt the experiment? This is magical steel, and very sharp. Do you think you're fast enough? Well? Do you?"
There were a few muffled groans.
"No? Very well then. Why are you hunting Bhaalspawn? And for whose benefit?"
"Aaaaaghhh…" the vampire moaned. "What…did you…do?"
"Never mind that. Tell me about the Bhaalspawn. Unless you want to try that experiment I mentioned?"
"No…It was her! The Mistress! Mistress Bodhi!"
"Mistress Bodhi," the assassin said. "Now we're getting somewhere. She is a vampire, I take it? The leader of your coven?"
"Yes…yes…very old. Very powerful!" The vampire hissed. "Ah…get it off of me!"
"Not just yet, my fanged friend. I want details. Why does this Bodhi wish you to hunt Bhaalspawn?"
"Don't know much. She needs them for something, her and her brother."
"Brother? Another vampire?"
"No!" The vampire sounded terrified, if such a thing was possible. "No! He's…he's…Irenicus. His name is Irenicus. He is Death! Death!"
The two assassins gave each other a quick look. Anybody who could frighten a vampire like that had to be a very formidable opponent.
"What do these people need Bhaalspawn for?" Poppy asked. The halfling's normally cheerful face was set in a stony scowl. Her short sword was positioned right next to the vampires' ear, ready to drive into it directly into the brain. "Are they starting a collection or something?"
"Don't know…I don't know much. Only know they got one already, I was there. Two months ago. A half-elf. Up near Candlekeep. Mistress Bodhi wanted a spare she said, in case one of the others didn't work…that's this one, the one that keeps disappearing."
"Candlekeep?" Dekaras said, his voice suddenly sharp. "What did this half-elf look like? And what of her companions?"
"Red hair…nice face. Was another girl there, human one with pink hair. Two more half-elves, one male and one female. One dark-skinned woman, one really big man."
"And those were all there were? Nobody else?"
"Hsss…nobody! There was nobody! Let me up!"
"No. Where were these people taken? And where may your Mistress Bodhi and this Irenicus person be found?"
"You'd better tell him," Poppy said in a cheerful voice. "He has a nasty temper when he's angry." She paused. "Come to think of it, he has a nasty temper all the time, but when he's angry it's worse."
"Athkatla! The Mistress is in Athkatla! I don't know where the other one hides, I swear it. I have told you all I know. Can I go now?"
There was a hissing noise, and then a wet thump. "No," Dekaras said, wiping his dagger off as he got off the still twitching body. "At least not as you are." He had hardly stepped aside before the vampire dissolved into a cloud of white mist that oozed out beneath the door, keening softly. "Nasty business," the assassin said with a small grimace. "I can't say I liked it much, but you will note I never promised him anything, and I wouldn't have dared letting him go free with such a grudge against us. At least this way it'll be a long time before he's capable of reshaping himself and coming after either of us."
Poppy nodded. "Naturally. He's not permanently destroyed though, is he?"
"No. If he can make it back to his coffin in time, he'll reform. We would have needed a stake through the heart or some sanctified item to stuff into the mouth in order to completely destroy him. Sadly, I only have so much spare pocket space, and stakes are rather bulky. But at least the essence of garlic worked. Good thing I purchased some after my last run-in with a vampire."
"Oh, so that's what it was?" Poppy said with a grin. "Poor bugger, he was being repelled by himself! No wonder he freaked out."
"Indeed." Dekaras got up off the floor, frowning. "This is very disturbing news."
The halfling nodded. "The Bhaalspawn he mentioned capturing would be this girl that little Eddie was traveling with? This Zaerini?"
"Yes." There was a distant look in the taller assassin's black eyes as he spoke next. "Yes, that would be the one. An intelligent girl, with her wits about her, and a nice sense of humor. And then there was her friend, Imoen, the one I mentioned to you before."
"Yeah, the little thief? The one you said was very promising?"
"That's the one." Dekaras smiled faintly. "You would like her for certain. Unnaturally fond of pink, and otherwise very much like you in demeanor. Bubbly, noisy, cheerful and utterly irrepressible. I became quite fond of her, you know."
"'Course you did Dekkie, if she resembles me at all! Since I am after all your Best Friend, not to mention cute, funny, and really clever."
"And with odd taste in clothes."
"And with odd…hey! Says you, oh gloomy and doom laden one! Do you own anything that isn't basic black, apart from disguises?"
"Yes. And I'm not going to tell you what it is. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is that I'm fond of that girl, and I do not like the idea of her being held captive by vampires or that…Irenicus, whoever he is." Dekaras looked out the window, where darkness was rapidly falling over Beregost, and gave the house on the other side of the street a murderous scowl. That was the one that was owned by Kagain the mercenary, the dwarf who might know where Edwin was presently to be found, but who annoyingly enough was still out of town. "The Harpers don't really matter to me, and certainly not the Wychlaran and her slave, but I do care about what happens to the girls, and particularly Imoen. I would go down to Athkatla at once if I could, but I don't dare yet, not when I'm this close to picking up Edwin's trail again. I have to find him before I can commit properly to anything else; you understand that, don't you? But if I leave the girls for too long, the scent may get cold, and it may be too late for them." Then he looked a little irritated when Poppy promptly started giggling. "Now what's so very amusing?"
"Oh, Dekkie!" the halfling laughed, wiping at her eyes. "You never learn, do you?"
"What?"
"That you don't have to do everything on your own all the time, you big silly!" Poppy gave her taller companion a fond, but slightly exasperated shove. "You go down to Athkatla and see if you can find those girls. I stay here and watch out for that dwarf, Kagain. I find out where little Eddie has got to. I send word to you. Simple, isn't it? I'm your Best Friend, I don't mind helping you out, ever. Any more than you have ever minded helping me when I needed it. Second time in a day, really, if I have to remind you of that again I'll start thinking you're growing forgetful."
It was with open amusement that the halfling noticed that her Best Friend looked highly embarrassed, and that there was actually a faint flush in his cheeks. "Yes, yes, all right," he said. "I get the point. Excuse me for trying not to bother you."
"Do you feel bothered when you help me out? Like that time when there was a contract on my head and I almost got killed? Twice?"
"Of course not!" Dekaras said, sounding rather offended. "You know that I would do anything within my power to help you, whenever you required it."
"So why would I feel any different?"
"It's not the same thing."
"Why?"
"It's not…I mean…I…"
"Never mind, Dekkie," Poppy said, and her eyes sparkled with mischief. "You're sort of cute when you're confused. And you may not think you're worth any help, but I do. Besides, Alora is fine, and she won't mind waiting for me a little. So, are you going to agree?"
"Yes, I suppose so. Anything to stop you pestering me. And Poppy?"
"Yes?"
Dekaras hunched down on the floor, folding his tall frame up until he was at eye-level with his Best Friend. "I am grateful, very much so. And I will try to make it up to you, any way I can. And you know I love you like a sibling and would be prepared to die for you in a heartbeat."
"Yes?"
"And if you ever refer to me as 'cute' in public I will kill you."
Poppy simply laughed again, loudly enough to make her pigtails bounce, and the dimples in her round cheeks were very prominent. "Sure you will, Dekkie. Sure you will. Just let me remind you that you look pretty cute when issuing death threats too."
"You're impossible, you know that?" Dekaras asked, shaking his head even as he gave his friend a crooked smile. "Completely callous when it comes to my dignity, and utterly merciless."
"Of course I am. And you wouldn't have me any other way. Now, let's see to your packing – you've got quite a way to go. And if I don't help you out, you'll probably forget half the things you need. And just remember, I'm only letting you go off on your own because I trust you not to do anything to hurt yourself again. You'd better promise to take proper care of yourself, because if you don't I'll be really upset when I catch up with you, and you don't want to face the Halfling of Horror, do you?"
"Yes, all right," Dekaras said, shaking his head. "I promise. What's next? A stern admonition for me to remember to wear warm clothes?" Then he thought of something. "Actually, Icewind Dale took care of that little lesson already. Good thing Amn is more clement."
"Yeah, it is, isn't it? Think maybe you should wear a loincloth? Black, naturally."
"Not that clement. And no, I won't wear a loincloth, that is completely absurd."
"Why not? You have the legs for it."
"Poppy, it is not a matter of 'having the legs for it'. It is just that I would rather not have people fall over themselves laughing at the sight of me. And it's very hard to carry concealed weapons in a loincloth, and certainly very painful."
"Oh, I don't know…" the halfling mused. "Some of them might like it well enough. At least think about it. And you could have a dagger strapped to your thigh or something."
"No. Absolutely not. No loincloth."
"Awww…" Poppy said. Then she grinned again. "Well, at least keep it in mind every time you're about to go all gloomy. It ought to help."
Actually, Dekaras thought, it probably would. Being exasperated enough was a very good way to forget about being unhappy. And Poppy, of course, knew this perfectly well. Come to think of it, she knows me almost too well. I'd be embarrassed by it, and of how easily she tweaks my nose, but of course I couldn't ever get really angry with her. He smiled a little ruefully. And of course she knows that as well.