Edit 8/14/20

39 / Neverland, Never Left

2010

Karatsu, Saga

Lily stared at herself in the mirror.

Her dress was cute, her ponytail was neat, no hair loose.

She was...Lily.

(and Masao)

She was Lily Hoshikawa nowadays, Lily Go didn't have a nice ring to it, so she had taken her mother's surname and made it work.

Her father hadn't minded the name change, at least, not at first. He probably thought it was just some sort of phase and once Lily got bored, she'll be back to being Masao but Lily wasn't Masao anymore.

Pappy really didn't complain when Masao didn't show up anymore. He was sad, sure, but not so sad as to ruin Lily's mood. Lily was a little sad that her father was sad about Masao but she was Lily now.

(and Masao)

It didn't take long for Lily's interest in acting to take hold.

She figured she was cute enough and she also wanted her father to be happy about Lily. So, she took up acting, and she was damn good at it.

They called her cute, adorable, all the names in the book. She had talent, she had drive, she was Lily Hoshikawa and she was a star.

/…..

Acting was...tiring.

Lily was a genius on stage but once out of it she crumbled. There was just too much work and Pappy...well, Pappy was all too busy.

It wasn't fair, really.

Lily was almost twelve years old, and she was already too busy.

Always work, work, and work and Pappy was busy too. Signing contracts, making time in the schedule, everything was just work and work and more work.

Sometimes when work got too exhausting, Lily would hide in her room and think about the past and wonder what would have changed if Masao was still around…there would be less work, less movies, more time to be a family...maybe. Or maybe Masao would take the same path and be a star, too. He had the face for it, after all.

And other times, Lily wondered what would have changed if her mother was still around.

(and ask her what was up with such a manly name! It didn't suit a cutie like Masao, much less a pretty girl like Lily!)

Would Masao be free to be...Lily?

(but Pappy had told her that she'll love Masao even if he changed...but Lily wasn't so sure about that)

Lily sighed.

It was always like this. Too much work gave way to doubts and the constant "what-ifs".

The girl hadn't cared if people knew about Masao before, hadn't cared that her father kept calling her "Masao" because she understood, but nowadays, when her Pappy called her by her name, it felt hollow, empty, like if she was just acting out in another movie and he was just going through the motions. Lily was just playing the part and she was starting to hate it. But she had fans, she had friends and colleagues, and she had work, oh, so much work.

(it felt like a prison)

Lily made a face as she clutched the pillow.

Masao was gone but Lily? Lily felt like she was just stuck on a cycle that didn't want to stop spinning.

It was always work, and more work.

How long ago had Lily had a break?

How long ago had Lily and Pappy been a family?

How long ago had she just been a normal little girl with a different name and life?

How long ago hadー

"Masao!" It's Pappy. He sounds anxious. Lily just wants to sleep. "Quickly, we'll be late for the interview!"

Lily sighs again, and wants to say no but...she can't. She just grumbles to herself, mutters a tired "I'm coming" and gets up from the bed.

(sometimes she was a little jealous of Masao and the life he left behind)

Present

Pappy was nervous, Lily could tell right away.

She's nervous, too, to some extent. It feels like yesterday since they had their fight and...no, it didn't matter. Lily, the legendary child actress, was dead, and only Lily, the girl, remained.

"...ah, umm…" Pappy mumbled a bit before he shook his head. "Umm...L-lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Wou-would...you...ummm…"

Oh, Pappy…

"It's fine...I...I don't need anything!" Lily told him, a smile on her face as she took a look around the apartment.

Her old home hadn't changed much. It was the same. There was a new television set, though, so that was different. That, and a stack of DVDs all around it.

"Did you have a marathon?" the little zombie girl asked, pointing at the DVDs. Pappy took notice of the DVDs and then looked back at his daughter and before long he let out a small chuckle.

"Hah! Ah, yes, yes...you could say that…umm, Lily…" Pappy's face was sad. "...ho...how are you?"

"I'm alright," Lily answered, trying to reassure him.

(she was dead, there was no way around it and they both knew it)

"Are...are you sure?"

"Yep! Don't worry, Pappy! It doesn't...hurt." Lily looked down at her chest. She could feel her heart beating underneath.

"W-what about…?"

"Oh...that? It's fine! It doesn't hurt me, trust me!"

Pappy was worried about her heart.

(the heart that killed her)

"Are...are you absolutely sure…?"

Lily nodded. "It...it really can't hurt me, anymore…" ...because I'm dead.

And Pappy seems to understand as the tears start. Lily can't help but cry, too, not caring that her newly applied makeup is running. She rushes towards her father before he has a chance to, and the two of them just hug, crying in each other's arms, as Lily's heart keeps on beating.

She's home.

"Sakura decided to play hide-and-seek with my cigarettes," Genji explained as he joined Yugiri outside, a new pack of cigarettes in hand. "I decided to go to the store. I might be winning this game." The courtesan shook her head with a smile, kiseru at her lips, as the young man took out a cigarette and lit it up.

"Is there a particular reason Sakura doesn't like your...cigarettes?" Yugiri asked him, sounding genuinely curious. Sakura never had a problem when she had seen Yugiri smoking before.

"It's bad for my health," Genji grumbles in answer, biting the cigarette.

"Oh…"

Yugiri lowers her kiseru to stare at him. Genji stares back.

"What?"

"Lord Genji…"

Genji sighed. "It's fine...so long as I do it in moderation it shouldn't be a problem. Maybe." He shrugged. "I mean, I get it...if it gets really bad these go in the can."

"...Hmm…"

"What about you?" Genji asks, turning to the courtesan. "Does Sakura hide that little pipe of yours when she sees you smoking?"

Yugiri smiles. "Sakura is a sweet girl...she wouldn't dare."

"My lost cigarettes beg to differ."

"Perhaps she's just worried because you are...alive."

"I'm sure but that packet cost me money," Genji grumbled again. "If anything I would have figured she'll be more, nah, nevermind, not important." Yugiri glances at him, kiseru at her lips. Genji looks around. "Where's Sakura? I could have sworn she'll be hanging out with you and Tae."

"She's making some late night snacks," Yugiri explained. "She's hoping she can bait Lord Kotaro out with food."

"Just because he actually came out that one time, it doesn't mean it's gonna happen again," Genji said, eyes glaring at the night sky as the cigarette burned slowly in his mouth. "What a bothersome guy."

Yugiri sighs, as the smoke slowly drifts away. "...Lord Kotaro is...upset."

"Pah, crybaby," Genji comments, shaking his head. Yugiri says nothing, clearly understanding the young man's frustration. They were all frustrated in different ways, Sakura most of all. Lord Kotaro was just hiding away from the world, trying to pretend that all of his plans hadn't collapsed from under him while everyone around him was just trying to make sure he wouldn't kill himself while they weren't looking. "That sister of mine is too nice for her own good sometimes…"

"Hmm?"

Genji sighed as the smoke cleared around him. "She's too nice," he repeated, shaking his head. "He's just taking advantage at this point…" He shook his head. "That was always her problem growing up...trying too hard and being too nice…" Genji suddenly chuckled as if he had found what he had just said funny. "Heh, I guess she never did change…"

"Were you expecting her to?" Yugiri asked and Genji shrugged.

"Not really, no. Sakura was always the same, I guess...too nice and too focused...life, kept her busy or rather she wanted life to keep her busy, I dunno."

Yugiri frowned, kiseru kissing her lips, as she turned towards the young man smoking next to him. "...what do you mean?"

"She never changed…" Genji said after a while, a half-smoked cigarette in his fingers. "Sakura won't tell you this but...she was upset when our parents divorced...and well, I guess she wanted life to keep her busy...to run away…Mind you, her luck was always terrible but..." There's a sad smile on Genji's face as he says those words, and Yugiri wonders if he's thinking of the past or of a future that never was. "Back...back before our parents separated, she wouldn't let her luck keep her down...everything could go bad but Sakura would always end up smiling." And Yugiri smiled, thinking about how Sakura, without her memories, would always try to smile and cheer herself up after a bad day, never losing her smile.

"...Sakura is truly resilient."

"One of her most endearing faults, luck notwithstanding," Genji said with another shake of his head. "She didn't care much for her bad luck..and then the old man and mom, well...I guess their separation made her realize just how screwed up her luck was and nothing she did was going to change that…" Ah. Suddenly things begin to make sense. Bad luck itself wouldn't have caused such heartache to Sakura without a reason; everyone had their bad days but only few could hit you with such intensity that you'll rather not keep trying and Sakura found hers even before she realized life was terribly cruel.

The courtesan stared at the night sky, forgetting about her kiseru, not bothering to finish the tobacco that remained, all the while her companion smoked until the cigarette was, and eventually both just stared at the darkness around them until Sakura called them inside.

Early the next day, Genji approached the courtesan, a very sour look upon his handsome face. "Okay, I lied...I might be losing this game…" Yugiri was confused for a moment before Genji explained. "Sakura found my new packet before I went to my apartment yesterday...and then, she burned it, here…" He took out a note from his pocket and showed it to her. Yugiri immediately recognized Sakura's neat handwriting. "There. Now they've been smoked," the note read. The courtesan hid her smile with a hand, trying very hard not to laugh at Genji's misfortune. "I guess I'm laying off the cigarettes for a while…"

"That would be for the best, yes," Yugiri said, nodding. "I never thought Sakura could be quite devious."

"Heh," Genji shook his head with a grin. "She's like my mom in some ways, too. But nah...I guess Sakura never really changed after all…"

A/N: This was a rather difficult chapter to write. Hope it doesn't disappoint.

There's two more little flashbacks before we move straight with the...uh, problem that's been poking its head a few chapters back. If you have been paying attention, you'll know exactly what it is.

Anyway, please take care out there, stay safe and healthy and see you next chapter!