Avoiding Sam Winchester was becoming second nature for Kat. She'd helped him load Dean into the Impala, then to the nearest hospital they could find. Dean had been accepted pretty quickly. They both stayed until he was safely settled in a room. After that, they had come to a silent agreement to take it in turns watching over him.
Kat had left first. Castiel had sent her back to her car, which was thankfully still sitting on the side of the interstate. She took her time driving back. The sun was already peaking over the horizon, and while she was exhausted, she was in no rush to return to the awkwardness of sharing a hospital room with Sam.
Still, she did all she could to pretend everything was normal. She picked up breakfast and got Sam his coffee. He'd accepted it graciously and they'd eaten in mostly comfortable silence. But afterwards, he'd excused himself. He still had to update Ruby on what had happened, and he wanted to do it face to face. Kat was too tired to argue. She couldn't even decide whether or not she was happy he'd told her the truth. He wasn't lying, which was a plus, but ignorance and plausible deniability had been its own special kind of bliss.
Around and around they went, their excuses becoming weaker and weaker. Kat left to call Bobby and explain the missed messages from the night before. Sam left to get them lunch, and was gone for several hours. Kat's trip to the vending machine took hours as well. Sam disappeared to get an update from the doctor, Kat an aspirin, Sam a soda.
But when he finally returned, he was not alone.
"Cas," said Kat, perking up in her chair by the window. "Anna...?"
Kat jumped out of her seat, but Anna waved her off with a small smile.
"It's alright, Kat. Castiel and I have…put aside our differences for the moment."
"Oh." Kat looked between them, not entirely reassured. "I guess that's not good."
"No, it's not," Castiel sighed. "We were able to discover the culprit behind the angel killings."
"Well, that's great, right?" asked Sam. "Who was it?"
"Uriel."
"Wait, what?" Kat couldn't help but stare. "Holier-than-thou, humans-are-maggots, Uriel? Killing angels?"
"Yes. When I confronted him, he admitted to leading a small faction of angels that have been working against us. Working to bring on the Apocalypse rather than stop it."
"But…why?" asked Sam.
"Because most angels crave leadership," Anna said softly. "I told Dean that only six angels in Heaven have actually met God. While our orders are said to come from him, there's no way to know for sure. Many of them are…unsatisfied with the way things are."
"Then why not leave?"
Kat shot Sam a disbelieving look. "Seriously? And end up like Anna? They'd have a death sentence on their head."
"Yeah, but if so many of them are unhappy…"
"Angels are creatures of order," said Castiel. "We are trained to follow command, wherever it may lead us. Democracy has nothing to do with it. Uriel was hoping to sway some of the angels to his cause. The deaths are the result of the angels who stood up to him."
Sam deflated, clearly displeased with the explanation. Kat followed his eyes back to the hospital bed where Dean was still unconscious after a whole day.
"So it was Uriel who broke the trap?" he asked. "Who set Alastair free?"
"Yes," answered Castiel. "He planned for Alastair to kill Dean and escape with Katherine."
"Me?" Kat asked, in surprise. "But how could he know…?"
"Uriel brought you to the warehouse," Anna explained. "He must have been listening for your prayers. I never would have put you in that situation, Kat. We're lucky you and Dean made it out alive."
"Right." She nodded at the floor, a knot of discomfort twisting in her stomach. "I don't know how much luck had to do with it."
She could feel Sam's eyes on her. Hell, she could almost feel Castiel's eyes on Sam. Anna must've picked up on the tension, but she was kind enough not to address it.
"Well, Uriel is dead," she informed them. "Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to stop the other angels who share his cause."
"Great," Kat said with a bitter smile. "So now I'm running from Heaven and Hell. Gotta love those odds."
"Don't concern yourself with Uriel's allies," Castiel assured her. "They're few in numbers, with no leadership. I won't allow any of them to approach you while you're my responsibility."
"Am I?" Kat asked before she could stop herself. "Still your responsibility?"
Castiel softened, and very nearly smiled. Kat was sure he might've if Sam and Anna hadn't been in the room.
"Of course. Though I will ask the three of you abstain from danger for the time being. At least until Dean has healed."
Everyone turned to Dean's unconscious form once more.
"How is he?" Anna asked.
"Lucky," Sam answered with a hollow laugh. "Bruised and fractured head to toe. I don't think there's a part of him Alastair didn't punch. He still hasn't woken up."
Anna nodded. She walked to the side of Dean's bed, holding a hand out over his forehead. A warm glow filled the room. Still, when it faded away, Dean looked the same.
Sam rushed forward in concern. "What is it? Is he okay?"
"He's fine," Anna said reassuringly.
"But—his face…I mean, why isn't he…?"
"Because we're in the middle of a hospital, Sam." She smiled gently, and laid a hand on his arm. "Making a full recovery overnight would be a miracle, and draw a lot of attention. Something I'm trying to avoid at the moment, seeing as I'm still on the run."
"But you will be able to?" asked Kat. "I thought Cas said he couldn't be healed."
"I've got a little more juice than Castiel," Anna said, then glanced over her shoulder. "No offense."
Castiel frowned and looked away, looking offended anyway.
"I'll come when I can," she said, turning back to Sam and Kat. "I can't make any promises, but he'll make a full recovery."
"Thank you, Anna," Sam said earnestly.
There was a knock on the door, and by the time Kat had turned her head, Anna and Castiel had already vanished.
"Visiting hours are over," a nurse informed them, sticking her head into the room. "Now that your friend is stable…"
"Oh, we understand," Sam said hastily. "Sorry, we'll—we'll clear out."
Kat had planned on doing no such thing, but Sam was already collecting their belongings. Once he was sure the nurse was out of sight, he slipped Dean's silver blade under the hospital pillow. Kat was sure a he'd hidden a hundred other precautions around the room while she'd been out. Somehow, it still made her uneasy, leaving him there alone.
But then again, she thought, catching a glimpse of a tan overcoat through the blinds, he wasn't entirely alone after all.
She followed Sam out to the parking lot, and was ready to split off to her own car when he stopped short.
"Do you wanna get a drink?"
Kat eyed him warily. "You? Want to go to a bar?"
"Yeah. I mean, if that's alright by you."
"I prefer to drink in the privacy of my room, thanks." She gave him a tight smile, and started to back up toward her car. "But hey, don't let me stop you. There's a motel a couple of minutes away. I'll text you the address and…"
"Kat, we can't keep avoiding each other like this."
She frowned at him. She felt perfectly fine avoiding him. But Sam was already hunching his shoulders and scuffing his feet, turning on the kicked puppy dog look. It annoyed her more than anything else.
"You're a serious hypocrite, you know that?" she jabbed. "All you and Dean ever do is avoid talking about things. You're good at it. Why can't we just stew in silence and move on?"
Sam chuckled. "Cause you're not Dean."
Kat narrowed her eyes at him.
"I am not agreeing to this because you're complimenting me."
"Duly noted," he said with a nod. "Receptionist said there's a bar up the road. You want a lift?"
"Uh, no. I'd like to drive myself so I can leave when I get sick of you."
She turned away without waiting for a reply. Sam's laughter echoed in the parking lot behind her. She just hoped he realized that she was only half joking.
The bar was more crowded than she would have liked. It was almost enough to make her change her mind. But Sam had managed to find them a table in the corner and a couple of stools. As he'd pointed out, if you were going to talk about demons in a public place, it was probably better to go someplace loud where no one would overhear. Kat still couldn't see why they had to be in public at all, but he'd left to get their beers before she could argue.
"So," he said, once they'd gotten squared away. "Uh…how are you feeling?"
"Really?" Kat asked, raising an eyebrow. "Now you wanna beat around the bush?"
Sam gave her a pointed look.
"Alastair threw you around pretty good. Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"
"I'm fine," she said, for what felt like the millionth time. "It sucked, but I'm fine."
He nodded, looking back to his beer. Kat bit her lip, watching him closely.
"What about you?" she asked. "You sure you...?"
"Didn't go dark side?"
"Hey you said it, not me."
"I'm good. Seriously." He must've caught her look of disbelief, because he sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Kat, I did exactly what I said I was gonna do. My way worked. Dean's didn't."
"Not that you stopped to ask."
"Alastair was out. He was throwing you and Cas around like chew toys. I figured it was safe to assume the interrogation wasn't going well."
Kat reluctantly tilted her head. She had to give him that.
"Still," he continued, his eyes fixed back on the table. "I know I might've…crossed a line. With Alastair. So, I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Sam," said Kat, shaking her head wearily. "I know you'd do it again."
"Yeah, you're right," he said plainly. "I would."
Some part of her had hoped he'd deny it. At least be a little sheepish. But the most he could muster was a half-hearted shrug. It made the knot in her stomach tighten again. She was hesitant to ask her next question, but she needed to get it off her chest.
"You don't think you enjoyed it just a little too much?"
"And?" Sam merely shook his head, his indifference staggering. He actually chuckled. "Are you saying you wouldn't enjoy killing Lana?"
"Of course I would," she conceded. "And I'll be relieved as Hell when she's dead. But I saw that look on your face, Sam. You looked…God, you were practically grinning while he choked. You didn't need to drag that out."
Now Sam did look sheepish. He dropped her gaze, playing idly with the label on his bottle.
"Honestly I feel like I didn't drag it out enough."
"Sam..." she said warningly, but he was already shaking his head.
"I just mean that...I could've gotten him to tell us the real reason the demons want you. I just got so angry..."
"Yeah, well that's one thing I didn't need to hear any more of."
Kat looked out over the crowd, retreating into her own drink. Just the memory of Alastair's voice was enough to put her on edge. It'd been hard to listen to at the time. But every minute she put behind her made the memory worse. It gave her more time to imagine what exactly the demons might do to "break her."
Sam reached out across the table. He laid his hand on her arm, and she did her best not to flinch away.
"Kat, we're not gonna let that happen to you," he said sincerely. "You heard Cas. No one's gonna come near you."
"I know, but…at what cost, Sam?"
He blinked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know." She pulled her arm out from under his hand. It was hard to look him in the eye. "Sometimes I think it would just be easier on everyone if I went with Castiel. Angelic safe house and…whatever."
"What? No!"
She'd expected the outrage. It was one of the reasons she didn't want to look at him. But Sam's fervor was hard to ignore.
"Kat, weren't you listening to Anna?" he demanded, ducking into her line of vision. "Even some of the angels aren't on your side. If Uriel was willing to give you up...I mean, who knows who could get to you in Heaven. You're safer with us."
"Right..."
She didn't need to voice her doubt. Safe wasn't something a lot of people felt around the Winchesters. No matter how well-intentioned they were, there was no denying the fact that they were danger magnets.
"Look," Sam sighed, still leaning forward over the table. "I know you don't like me using my powers. I get that it scares the crap out of you, and trust me—the last thing I want on this earth is to scare you. But when I think about all the times the demons could have gotten to you, everything that could've happened if I didn't step in... Kat, that scares me."
Kat smiled at him, her face full of pity.
"Sam…I really don't care."
That one threw him for a loop.
"You don't...what?"
"I know you're worried about me," she said. "I obviously don't think you're lying about that. But I also know that...that's not all that's going on here. You want to use your powers. I'm just a perk. An excuse. And I can't enable you and tell you that's okay."
It was Sam's turn to sit back in disbelief. He smiled, absolutely outraged, and dragged his beer off the table. Kat waited for him to take a few sips. She didn't want to soften the blow by rushing into her next point.
"But," she said carefully. "I also know I can't control you."
Sam glanced up at her, and she shrugged.
"Hey, it's your life, and you're gonna do what you think is right. Not like I haven't tried everything in the book to make my point. So, I guess this is just how it's gonna be."
He didn't look entirely comforted by that stance, but he didn't fight her.
"So what do you expect me to do?" he asked, taking another resigned sip of his beer.
"I don't know. Just...think of it like sex."
Sam choked on his beer. He spluttered, spraying it over the table in a way that would have been funny if it hadn't been so serious.
"I—I'm sorry, like…W-what?"
"Actually, I guess it's not a bad metaphor," Kat mused. She hadn't even blinked. "You are sleeping with her, after all."
"Kat!"
"Look," she sighed. "I don't approve of your...thing with Ruby. And I don't need to hear the gory details. But I don't want you to lie to me anymore. Kind of makes me feel like the other woman. Especially if you're gonna be a bad liar. Deal?"
She held her hand out to him, careful not to drag her elbow through the spit on the table. Sam eyed her warily. But after a few seconds of consideration, he seemed to conclude it was the best he was going to get out of the conversation. He eclipsed her hand with his own, and shook.
"Deal."
"Good." Kat smiled, and passed him a pile of napkins. "Now all we've got to worry about is Dean."
"Ha," he scoffed as he wiped up his mess. "I don't think he's gonna let it go that easy."
Kat fixed him with a hard stare.
"I meant after he tortured Alastair. Not dealing with your bullshit."
"Ah...right." He grimaced down at the table, and cleared his throat. "How bad was it?"
"I don't really know," Kat answered. "By the time I got in there, Alastair already had the upper hand. But the amount of blood on him…Dean really cut into him."
"Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was afraid of."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, both nursing their beers. The fact was that no one would know just how bad Dean was until he woke up. All they could do was prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
"Maybe it won't be that bad," Sam offered, in a pathetically optimistic tone. "We got there pretty fast. He was only alone for a few hours."
"Sure," Kat agreed morosely. "That's only, what? A couple weeks in Hell-time?"
"Yeah, but they weren't actually in Hell."
"I know. But Dean was."
Neither of them said anything after that. They finished their beers, paid, and went back to their separate cars. Sam followed Kat to the motel she'd looked up. Somehow he'd managed to climb out and get into the lobby before she'd even parked her car. Stupid giant legs.
Kat shivered as she walked into the motel, shuffling her way to the front desk. But Sam waved her off.
"No, don't worry. I took care of it."
She couldn't help but roll her eyes. Of course he was going to try and bribe his way out of a bad situation. But she wasn't going to complain. If he wanted to blow money on a motel room for her, she'd take the extra dough.
Kat followed him down the hall to his room. Sam fumbled a bit with his room key, unlocking the door and holding it open for her.
"Ah, I don't think so," she said. "One drink's enough for me. I'm just gonna head to my room."
Sam looked shiftily around the room. It took a few moments for the realization to set it.
"Dude!" Kat charged forward to smack him.
"Ow! Come on, Kat…"
"No! No, I put up with it for one night, but we're not in Wyoming, and…"
"And demons are still on your tail," he said firmly. "And so are some angels, now. It's not like we have to share a bed. Dean's in the hospital, so I just figured…save some money, and give me some peace of mind. Please."
Kat glowered at him. But he was trying.
"Fuck you, Sam," she grumbled, dropping her bag on the mattress. "You just love digging yourself into a deeper hole, don't you?"
"Well, you know what they say," he said with a wry smile. "Stick to what you know."
It wasn't as bad as she had imagined. Sam kept to himself and let her do her own thing. They took turns in the bathroom, changed into their pajamas, and put on their headphones. Sam was typing away on his computer, and Kat pulled out her journal again to jot down another entry. When she rolled over to go to sleep, Sam ceded control of the lamp and let her turn off all the lights.
He actually wasn't a bad roommate. Until she woke up to his snoring at 4 AM.
Kat did her best to drown it out with her iPod as she got dressed. Sam could be as overprotective as he liked. She was going on her run, with or without him. If she left while he was unconscious, he wouldn't be able to argue about it until she got back.
But Sam must have been more exhausted than she thought. He was still asleep when she got back from her run, and still asleep when she got out of the shower. She was tempted to check his pulse, just to make sure the demon powers hadn't killed him in his sleep. Thankfully, it didn't come to that. As soon as she grabbed her car keys, Sam shot up in his bed.
"Wha—What?" He looked around wildly, scanning the room, Kat, the clock. When he saw the time, his jaw dropped further. "Shit! How is it…?"
"Relax, Snore-zilla," Kat shot, grabbing her bag. "Just go back to sleep."
"No, no. The—The hospital is open soon, and Dean…"
"Isn't going anywhere. Seriously, if you've slept this long, you need it. You killed Alastair two days ago. I'm not surprised you're wiped."
Sam deflated, still looking nervously at the clock.
"You're sure?" he asked.
"Obviously," said Kat. "I'll keep an eye on Dean. You get some rest. Otherwise you won't be able to swoop in and save the day next time."
She pointed vigorously at his pillow and let herself out of the room.
It was a win-win situation. Sam got to sleep in, and Kat didn't need to deal with Sam and his over-accommodating apology. She'd be able to get some breakfast and get some work done in peace. There weren't likely to be any distractions in Dean's hospital room.
Castiel was long gone by the time she got there. At least, she thought he was. He could be lurking invisible in a corner for all she knew. If he was, he didn't announce himself. So she got herself settled in a chair next to Dean's cot. She ate her bagel while it was still fresh. She started a new playlist with some music she'd recently added to her iPod. And she set to work crushing her work emails.
Hours passed in peaceful silence. It promised to be a pretty good morning.
"Kat?"
She nearly dropped her computer in surprise. Dean was stirring on the bed, his eyes practically swollen shut but still fighting to open. She threw her laptop aside and rushed over.
"Dean? Hey, don't—don't move. Take it easy, you're…"
"Relax, Tink. Not my first time waking up in a hospital."
She wanted to smack him, but the tubes sticking out of his nose reminded her why it was a bad idea. She forced herself to fold her hands on the arm of the bed instead of reaching out. It was hard to swallow her concern.
"So…you look like shit," she said instead.
Dean's bruised lips cracked into a smile. "Yeah, well you should see the other guy."
"I did actually. Looks like you got a few good licks in."
She regretted it instantly. Bringing up torture in the first forty-five seconds of consciousness was probably the worst thing she could have done. But Dean took it in stride. He stiffened, swallowed thickly, and then buried that shit like a champ.
"So that was you," he said. "Thought I might've been hallucinating."
"I didn't get there until the end. I was a…I thought you might've been dead already."
"Huh. Is that why you were crying over me? Or did I imagine that too?"
Kat narrowed her eyes at him. "You looking for more broken bones?"
He grinned proudly in response. Kat's hands fidgeted on the railing again, fighting against instinct.
"I uh…I should—I should get a nurse," she said, shaking her head. "Tell someone you're awake."
"Ah, they know," Dean sighed, letting his eyes flutter shut again. "Woke up last night."
"They give you the good stuff?"
"Oh yeah. You know it." He smiled again. Kat noticed it was a bit weaker every time he attempted it. "Where's Sam?"
"I left him at the motel. He slept for like ten hours, and after the last two days…um…he was worried. So I told him to rest up."
Kat let the truth slip by her. She had no desire to tell Dean what had happened after he blacked out. That conversation could wait. Preferably until Sam was here, and she wasn't.
"Thanks for keeping an eye on him," Dean said gruffly.
"Of course. Least I could do after all the shit you guys have gone through for me."
She'd been hoping it would get her another chuckle, but she wasn't so lucky this time. Dean stared listlessly down at his hands. Somehow, even his fingers seemed to be bruised from the fight. His cuticles looked picked raw, and he still had blood under his nails.
She knew what was coming before he opened his mouth.
"I'm sorry."
"No, Dean…"
"I didn't want you to see me like that," he said, cutting her off. "You asked me not to, and I did it anyway. It was like…like I couldn't stay away from that part of myself."
"Dean," she sighed, "that is not what happened. You went in there trying to help me. That went against every instinct that you had."
"You don't know that. What if instinct is what took over? You know, what if that's what I am now? That…hole in my chest?"
Kat chewed on her bottom lip.
"If that was true it wouldn't feel like a hole."
Dean didn't answer her. Kat wasn't sure if there was even anything to say. She'd known that sending Dean into the ring with Alastair would be taking a risk. Much as he tried not to show it, she knew that Dean liked beating himself up for his shortcomings. What she didn't know was how to read the damage. If Dean was apologizing, did that mean he was still in his right mind? That he hadn't pushed himself too far? Or was he so broken up that he'd forgotten how to be an emotionally-closed-off macho man?
He shook his head down at his blankets, still in his own world.
"And after all of it…I couldn't even get the job done. We still don't know why the demons want you."
"Of course we do." He looked up at her, and Kat replied with a shrug. "It's the same reason they wanted Anna. Dissect me, pull me apart, find what makes me special. And hopefully piss you off in the process."
"God, Kat, I'm…"
"You apologize again, I break another one of your ribs."
Dean raised his hands a fraction, surrendering without committing to moving his whole arm. Kat continued to frown at him, trying to find the right words to say.
"There was no winning here, Dean. Alastair had about a billion years of life experience on you. It was a losing battle from the start."
"I know, but…" His breath hitched, like he was afraid to continue. "But if I knew that going in, what does it say about me that I did it anyway?"
"That you're a masochistic, self-sacrificing dumbass. But we knew that already too."
Dean chuckled, finally meeting her gaze. Her heart clenched when he did. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. They were bloodshot, watery, full of words and emotions that wouldn't show on his face. In an instant, she understood just how much Alastair had broken him. It was so much worse than she could have imagined.
Kat almost had to look away. It felt like she was trespassing.
Her hands grappled with the bed railing.
"Thank you," she whispered. "For trying."
She was surprised by the bolt of pain that shot across his face. He immediately dropped his gaze.
"Don't. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even be here."
"Hey, I know I said a lot of stuff back at the Roadhouse, but I'm the one who pulled over on the highway in Illinois. If I'd let…"
"No," he interrupted her. "The Apocalypse."
"Dean, Lilith is the one…"
"And Lilith wouldn't be able to do any of this if it wasn't for me."
Kat's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
Dean's hands balled into fists. Kat watched him in concern, waiting. All he did was stare at the wall, his jaw clenched and the veins popping in his neck. Kat was too afraid to push him. Hell, she was too afraid to breathe for the most part. He was wound so tight, it looked like a light breeze would set him off. That, or send him crumbling into pieces.
Then all at once, the fight drained out of him. She watched as he sagged back into the pillows, and her own muscles tensed on instinct. It was more alarming than the bruises had been.
When he spoke, it was so quiet she could barely hear him.
"What I did in Hell…Alastair said that was the first seal."
All the air swept out of her lungs. She gaped at him, frozen, and said the only word that came to mind.
"No."
Dean gulped, staring at a fixed point on the opposite wall.
"This whole thing…Sam dying, me selling my soul…it's what they wanted all along. They set the trap and then sat back and watched us run. I did…exactly what they wanted me to do. Every time. And now the fucking world could end because of it."
Kat's mind was reeling. She felt like she was short-circuiting, trying to flick through every emotion, fact, and word she knew, trying to find the one that fit. The one that would fix everything. But she kept coming up short.
While her brain was preoccupied, her hand acted of its own accord. She let go of the railing, reaching out over the blankets to grab Dean's hand.
His eyes shot to her, and her brain struggled to catch up.
"Dean," she said softly, "if this is what the demons wanted, we never stood a chance. No one could've seen this coming. No one warned you, or told you what to do. You were just trying to survive. No one can blame you for that."
They stared at each other, knowing there wasn't anything else to say. Anything left over didn't need to be said out loud. It wasn't enough. It didn't fix a single thing. But it was all they had.
The moment was broken by Dean's stomach, which growled loudly under the blankets. Kat quickly retracted her hand, smothering her laugh. In an instant, Dean's mask was back up.
"Man, when was the last time I ate?"
"Probably the restaurant, about thirty-six hours ago." She chuckled at Dean's groan, and patted his hand again. "I'll go find a nurse. See if we can get you some food."
"Screw that. Call Sammy. Tell him to get me some real grub, like a burger!"
Kat waved him off and walked down the hallway. She walked, and she walked, and she walked. Past nurses, past doctors, vending machines and gift shops. She didn't stop until she was outside, standing alone on the sidewalk.
The cold wind whipped around the courtyard, throwing her hair around and making her eyes water. At least, she hoped it was the wind. It was one thing to own your emotions. But this…all of this was too much.
So maybe it was the wind that blew her to the side of the path. Maybe it was the wind that made her knees buckle as she collapsed onto a bench. And if all of that had been in the wind, she figured she could blame her tears on that too.