Author's Note:
Thanks for the comments on the chapters so far, folks.
Enjoy!
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
The morning after the night it all began...
When Meredith wakes up she can hardly see before she blinks at least seven times and she struggles to free herself from the swaddle of her blankets that have all been bunched tightly up against her body like a cacoon.
She thinks nothing of it before making a beeline to the bathroom to throw up again as she looks at herself in the mirror at her body barely supporting herself still in yesterday's clothes as she sighs and she pads her way downstairs to see her potted plant sitting sideways on the kitchen counter slightly to the left of where she remembered she'd planted it just a few mornings ago.
Meredith makes her way over to to the counter where she finds a scrawled note reading
"Meredith, take these two asprin along with the whole glass of water before going to work in the morning. Your key is not stolen, it was borrowed so that the door could be locked behind you on your way in last night. You'll get it back soon. Thanks for the Memories. Best Wishes."
Meredith reads the note over at least six or seven times before realizing that it had no name affixed to the bottom of it nor any signatures or particular markings left over on the reverse of it either.
Whoever the mystery man who had helped her settle in last night was, well she wishes she could remember an ounce of it because obviously he would have been a keeper if she hadn't been blackout drunk on him because clearly she could see that he was the definition of a gentleman.
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by bobbiejelly
Chapter 39: Yesterday.
Of dinner, and discussions, and of truths being finally told...
Addison didn't know what to expect when she finally met the mother of John's dead lover.
She was meeting with her to sign John's discharge paperwork, because as he'd said before, he had no other next of kin.
She is a really lovely person, Addison thinks. She seems to be very fond of John.
All this makes Addison wonder if the true story was that John's lover had died in love with him as he'd first said, on the way to get married, and that he'd made the part up about the lying so Addison would open up to him.
But either way, Addison knows it's not really her business, anymore, now.
"I've missed him," she says to her. "And call me Serenity, by the way," the loved-one said.
"Oh, Addison. I mean, well, Doctor Montgomery, but Addison is my first name, and we've become close so you can call me by my first name as well, if you want to," Addison offers.
"Thank you, Doctor Addison Montgomery," Serenity uses all of her names rather than decide on which one.
"I've really missed him," Serenity, John's dead lover's mother, repeats.
"He's really wonderful," Addison asserts to her, because it's true and she doesn't want to pry for personal details.
"Addison!" Meredith Grey runs to catch up to her now, after checking in on Anna and Emmett's babies like she had asked her to.
As soon as Meredith arrives within eyesight, Addison smiles widely, as does Meredith.
Meredith tucks in very closely to Addison, because she just can't help but to do that.
Addison allows her to nuzzle into her a little bit, forgetting herself, before standing upright.
"Why hello, Doctor Grey," Addison says to her formally, motioning with her eyes to Serenity.
"Oh, right, my name is Doctor Grey!" Meredith offers a handshake, untucking herself from Addison's proximity.
"Serenity," she explains, and Meredith says "what a lovely name!"
"Ah, well aren't you two sweet," Serenity smiles at them.
"How long have you two been together?" Serenity asks Addison and Meredith, pointing between them.
It's a logical assumption to make, seeing as Meredith and Addison had just been curled up together like two peas in a pod.
To an outsider, they seemed like a couple. A really happy couple, at that.
Both Addison and Meredith go red as beets, and neither of them has a solid answer, so they just stare at each other awkwardly and try to figure out an answer telepathically.
And this just seems to prove the 'dating' point further, after they eventually giggle as if sharing an inside joke.
And Serenity eventually saves them anyhow, and goes on to tell them about John and his first great love.
"Do you think one can have a second great love of one's life?" Meredith asks Serenity, thoughtfully.
Meredith is thinking of herself and Addison, now, and wants to hear her take.
Sure, Addison had left Derek, and they weren't in love anymore.
But he had once been a great love of Addison's, and also of hers, confusingly.
And Meredith always felt a bit insecure about the fact that Addison had been married once before.
"Yes, I think one can," Serenity answers her. "I sure hope John finds another love of his life," Serenity says.
(And Addison tries not to have a reaction to reveal anything about giving Raj's number to John, because that is his private life story to tell.)
And there's no hesitation, no anger, nothing like that in Serenity's voice.
The mother of John's dead lover wants him to move on wholeheartedly from her son, and that's a really beautiful thing.
"I'm sorry for your loss, your son, I know it was a while ago, but it's hard," Meredith says to her compassionately.
And it's moments like these that make Addison wonder how Meredith Grey is only a twenty-six-year-old because at times she seems wise as a hundred.
"Thank you, really, thank you. You've both done so much for him," Serenity says.
And they know that she really, really means it.
"You can see him, now," Addison says.
And she takes them up to John the patient's room, for the last time that it will be HIS room.
"Ah, well if it isn't Doctor Boss and Doctor Grey," John says to them sweetly.
And both Meredith and Addison are relieved he never called Meredith the 'lollipop lady' in front of Serenity.
"I asked her to dinner, and she said yes!" Addison finally blurts out to John like a middle schooler.
"Hey, I actually asked you out the day before that so you can't take ALL the credit!" Meredith teases.
And they fall into a natural banter, as if they'd been doing that their entire lives.
"Congratulations," he says to them sweetly.
"She won't let me call it a date-date until we like, talk," Meredith explains to John.
"Well, I think that's pretty easy; you get to listen to this wonderful woman talk, and then you get to have the anticipation and possibility all evening," John says to them with a teasing mischief.
Addison mouths a 'thank you' at him, while she winks at him also to let him know that she means talk about the 'mystery person' identity when she said they had to 'talk'.
And John smiles then, and reveals to Meredith and Serenity how Addison had played matchmaker with him and Raj.
"There was a note from the psychiatrist, inside the CD cover. Doctor Boss gave it to me. I thought you should know that," John says to them all.
"THAT'S WHY YOU WANTED TO KNOW HIS NAME? SERIOUSLY!" Meredith exclaims at Addison suddenly.
"Why? Did you think I was trying to hit on him?" Addison quips.
"You weren't?" Meredith wants to confirm.
"Not at all, but apparently making you jealous was totally worth it," Addison says to her.
"Oh, you are annoying, Addison," Meredith huffs, knowing she's won this one.
"It's only fair, I was jealous as all hell when I saw you FLIRTING WITH HIM!" Addison finally admits to having seen that.
"I didn't know you were there for that, that's incredibly embarrassing!" Meredith says.
"I don't know, you played a pretty good game there. It made me a bit nervous, to be honest," Addison chuckles.
"Well, we know who likes to play GAMES, now don't we," Meredith points at John to bring him and Serenity back into the conversation.
"Ah, John was the best at games," Serenity says all nostalgically.
"You were pretty good yourself, Serenity," John says to her, clearly showing they've spent time together before.
"John, I'd like you to still be my son, for as long as you need to be, as long as you want to be," Serenity offers.
"I'd be an honor, Serenity. I've missed you," says John.
And Addison hands them both discharge paperwork, and John asks if anyone has something spare to write on.
And Meredith says she'll run and ask Cristina, so she does.
Cristina hands her a blue stack of post-its and a blue pen that she 'really wants back someday!'
And Meredith runs off again, handing these items to John.
John writes his number on the post-its, giving a copy to each of them.
"You have to tell me the end of your story, girls. Call me tonight, after your dinner, however it turns out. If you're sad you can call me. If you're happy you can call me. Anything in between. You've saved my life, and I'd love it if you'd stay a part of mine, only if you want to," John offers.
And with that, John slips the pack of post-its and Cristina's pen back into Addison's coat pocket, as he also hands her the signed discharge forms.
Serenity says to them wistfully,
"I remember the last day John got to spend with my son, like it was yesterday…"
And she smiles as if it is a happy memory, and John smiles at her back.
And that seems to answer that question, for Addison.
And as he waves goodbye at them both, John says to all of them as he once said to Addison,
"Remember, you control your own story. Write it well, and write it with love,"
"You're really going to be missed, you know," Meredith says to him.
"Farewell, but not goodbye," John promises as Serenity helps him out to the car.
"I'm really going to miss him, you know," Addison says to Meredith with a soft smile.
"Yeah, I know you will. I'm really going to miss him too," Meredith says to Addison, smiling also.
Addison really wants to hold hands with Meredith or something, but they still have not talked yet.
And Meredith wants to hold Addison's hand, but she knows Addie might want to be more private, especially being an Attending and all.
So both of them just look at each other longingly, until their pagers beep and they go to check on the babies and Anna and Emmett.
"Is everything alright?" Addison bursts in, in a panic.
"Yes, no problem. Nothing urgent, they are doing well and we just had a few questions about their medications," Anna replies.
And Addison nods, as she vividly remembers Cristina remembering her writing from the word 'Medications' and she doesn't want her to find out like that.
So she hides her chart as she fills them in, and has Meredith check the baby's reflexes and vitals as she does this.
Eventually, Anna and Emmett talk about relationships, and they end up talking about this because Meredith and Addison are asking them about their relationship since they seem to have a pretty stable one.
"Do you ever get jealous?" Meredith asks them.
"Yeah, we both do," Anna laughs.
"But it's a good jealous," Emmett explains. "It's jealousy because I know she only wants me, and I only want her back, and all we want is to love each other. It's not because we're afraid" Emmett says.
And this parallels Addison's thoughts earlier, about enjoying Meredith's sort of loving possessive look with her.
And Anna nods along with her, and explains that it's never extreme or controlling, just a flare here and there that is sort of 'hot' sometimes when one of them ends up being hit on by someone else who doesn't know they're involved.
And then they ask if THEY both get jealous, and they both blush and say 'yes' sort of sheepishly.
Because they can't really say 'no', given all they've just talked about with John and Serenity, about how they've both ended up being jealous when the other was talking to the psychiatrist.
"Are you jealous when I talk about the 'mystery person'?" Meredith finally asks Addison thoughtfully.
And Addison thinks about this, and realizes she still wants to sit down and have dinner to tell all this to Meredith.
So she plays along and says "yes, extremely jealous of your 'mystery person'.
But she's not as convincing as she would have lived to be, and Meredith sort of notices a bit of fakeness in her answer, but she can't quite figure out why, just yet, just with that.
And then Meredith boldly tells Addison she's a bit jealous at her having a 'secret admirer'.
And then Addison quirks and asks her how she even knows about that, because she doesn't remember mentioning it, ever, to Meredith.
"Gay news travels fast," Meredith covers quickly, and Addison nods at this, remembering Joe having said the same thing.
But she's a little bit interested at how Meredith did find out this fact about her, and she starts to turn her mind with scenarios.
And Anna and Emmett both try to look innocent, here.
Because they know that Addison has a secret admirer, and that it's probably Meredith.
And they know that Meredith has a 'mystery person', and judging by Addison's terrible lying, it's probably Addison.
And so they sort of get what each of them had separately said to them, about love problems 'like you wouldn't BELIEVE'.
Because all that sounded like a whole lot of complicated, but also extremely cute, that they both could have been, and still are, secretly in love with and doing favors for each other.
And after Meredith and Addison both leave the room after their consultation, Anna says to Emmett, that "Doctor Grey and Doctor Montgomery's love life right now could make for a very angsty-yet-fluffy of a potential romance novel. Or at the very least, a mediocre fanfiction.
They don't want to go in separate directions, but Meredith has lunch with her intern friends while Addison checks on some stuff in her office.
Derek brings their divorce papers by because they have to mail the extra signed copies in today.
He hands her a manilla folder with hers to sign, and he walks out without another word.
Eventually, Meredith catches up with Derek, and he's surprised that she's talking to him, giving the yelling earlier.
But Meredith is asking Derek if first of all, if Addison uses coat racks a lot, to which he says "all the time, generally,".
And she asks him if he still has the note she left him the night she gave her rings up.
And Derek says that he doesn't, because when Derek got dumped he didn't need a reminder.
So Meredith just says 'oh' and leaves him alone, and Derek doesn't ask any more questions.
Meredith is asking this, because she's having the sudden thought that it might possibly be Addison who's this 'mystery person'.
She's suspicious because Addison's answer to her jealousy question wasn't too convincing.
Meredith doesn't want to hope too hard at this, because she knows it's a lot to wish for, for her two lovers to end up being this one near-perfect person…
Except for the only caveat to that, is that that would mean Addison had lied to her, and has been lying to her, but to try to be nice to her, and take care of her, and Meredith is not so sure how to feel about that.
And maybe that's why Addison wants to talk so bad?
Or maybe Meredith is making all of this up. She doesn't know, and just thinks a lot about it.
Addison signs all the papers Derek handed to her, and then pulls the post-its and the pen out of her pocket and jots something down on them to affix to them.
Then she checks her watch and she sighs as it's not close to eight yet.
Addison thinks that maybe Meredith is her 'secret admirer' after all, because not that many people knew that she was definitely going to Joe's that night.
And Addison had told pretty much no one except Anna and Emmett about even having a 'secret admirer'.
And the only person in common about all that is Meredith.
And Addison thinks that that would be just TOO SWEET if both her lovers were the same person.
But she doesn't want to hope or wish for it because it sounds too good to be true.
And she wonders if she cares that that means Meredith's been sneaking around telling white lies for her, but then again, she'd be a hypocrite to think anything of that anyhow.
But besides which, no matter what Addison still wants to date Meredith and confess and all.
In the interim, Addison wants to do something nice for Meredith, and she decides to write her a letter and sign the damn thing as 'thanks for the memories' and stuff it in Meredith's locker for her tomorrow because it won't really be a mystery by then and she wants to write her something before she reveals it all.
As Addison tries to stuff it in Grey's locker though, she ends up breaking the locks and sighing at herself, noting that she'll have to ask someone to fix that discreetly, tomorrow.
When Meredith arrives in the locker room, she's slightly annoyed that her lock seems to be sticking, but she smiles sheepishly as she thinks that most of her important stuff is in the on-call room that she and Addison had shared, anyhow.
And that if she needs an extra sweater or something, she'll ask Addison and it'll probably all smell nice like brown sugar.
Meredith sighs at her own watch, and wonders if the damn clock is broken because the ticking isn't going fast enough for it to be eight o'clock yet.
"Only five-thirty now…" Meredith sighs as she hangs out with Cristina, and promises she'll get her pen and her post-it notes back soon enough.
And Cristina asks why she's smiling so wide, and Meredith makes her swear not to tell anyone but she's sort of going to dinner with Addison later, and she's so excited.
And she explains the whole date-not-date thing with Cristina, and they debate for an hour or so about the best outfit idea, and if Meredith should or should not bring flowers.
And then Meredith suggests that Cristina buy flowers for Izzie.
Alex and George eventually walk in on this discussion, and they both smile and say Addison would probably like flowers, based on her thing for red and green scarves.
And then they tell Meredith that Addison also likes Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, and to take from that what she will.
And Meredith smiles because she likes these things also, and starts idly fantasizing about watching movies and reading books while curled up on the couch with Addison.
She's sort of distracted by these thoughts as she wanders around aimlessly, trying to spot Addison in the halls while she's not busy.
And it wasn't until Meredith makes a wrong turn as she swears when she stumbles right into Addison and scatters all of the scrambles of divorce papers that Addison had served once that she sees they've been signed by both parties.
Meredith scanned them to see the blue Post-It Note that was sticking out on top of the folder and she squinted to see the bright blue ink she scrawled out "Goodbye, Derek and good luck with Meredith, from Addison". Meredith realizes they're about to mail them in.
She asks why Addison would do this to her after what Meredith said to Derek and thinks it's a cruel joke. Addison explains she wanted to be sure that Meredith had the one last chance with him if she wanted it, but also it was sarcastic.
It was meant to be a sort of good luck with being friends with Derek, but also that she's going to win her over instead of Derek. And she also meant it as more of a professional thing, because Meredith seemed to have an interest in neuro.
Meredith sorts the divorce papers in her hand but she takes the post it note for herself saying she doesn't want Derek romantically anymore like she'd already said, and as a friend she was still deciding and mulling that one over.
She said that as for neuro with Derek, that she's given it a thought, but it's not something she really needed to decide for herself for a while. And the note scrawled on Cristina's old grocery list makes Meredith laugh, as Meredith thinks to herself...
You could put it in a glass picture frame and hang it up on the wall. But It's not like a single stupid blue on blue Post-It Note could ever make a meaningful marriage work anyways.
Or maybe it could… Because Meredith has the sudden urge to frame THIS post-it note for herself. It was something borrowed and blue, and old, and new. And it was from ADDISON.
But then Meredith's eyes catch on another thing as she squints at the post-it note again.
She sees the resemblance to the way her name "Meredith" looked on her notepad this morning in the way that the "M"s are made out all messy and curvy that Meredith realizes that the 'mystery person' might not have been a mystery man after all. She's sort-of suspected that at some point, but now the moment has arrived. She's shocked at the moment, finally.
Meredith had been thanking this 'mystery man' or 'mystery person' all along when the woman she should have been thanking had been none other than Meredith's Grey's once oldest enemy, but now dear friend and CRUSH, the, SHE -, Doctor Addison Adrianne Forbes-Montgomery-Nothing, or at least she suspects so. She's had her suspicions already, anyhow because again, of the not-jealousy thing and the parallels to Derek's story, and Addison's sort of thin and blunt answer when Meredith had asked what she did that night...
And she wants to find out for sure, and she knows that the best way to do this is to find Cristina.
"Addison, can I have that pen and your post-its for Cristina, again? She really wants them back and I have to go give it to her before we meet later," Meredith tries to say calmly.
And Addison offers them to her with a smile, and Meredith is not meeting her eyes so she doesn't reveal what she just might have found out.
Addison doesn't realize it either, because she was too shocked at Meredith's bitter reaction to the post-it note she'd just had on her divorce papers that she'd forgotten that Meredith now had a sample of her handwriting with her very own name on it.
Addison so lost in thought thinking about Meredith, and dinner, and Vietnamese food, she's just so excited! It's been ages since she just went on a first date with someone… She's nervous...
So Meredith takes the sticky note to Cristina.
And Cristina finally admits that she's kept the 'mystery person's' note from that night, as Meredith had suspected.
They compare and confirm the writing, and Meredith thinks she has found her mystery man
She asks Cristina why she never told her everything, and Cristina says that it 'wasn't her story to tell'.
She wanted Addison to tell her, and Meredith starts to understand her.
And Cristina asks her how she feels about it, and Meredith goes on a long ramble about it:
"I'm relieved. More relieved and happy than ever."
"Because I used to think that I'd never get over Derek."
"Then this mystery person came along and I got all hung up on them."
"And then I stopped caring for Derek but I wasn't over the mystery man yet"
"And then Addison came along and I got all hung up on her."
"And I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop thinking that if the mystery person came alone than I'd be in a triangle again and that I would finally have to choose-"
"Addison or the mystery person."
"But now that I know that I don't have to pick, I don't have to choose, I don't have to feel like I'm loving more than one person-"
"It just feels to me that all of this sweet love is all wrapped into one now."
"And that the effect of the one plus one love is far greater than two."
"And I know that she wants me"
"And I know that she won't let me have her"
"Not more than friends, not for a while at least."
"But I still can't stop feeling hopeful."
"I still can't sit around waiting anymore."
"Because she had my key to my house."
"Then she had the key to my heart."
"And now she has the key to my soul."
"Because I thought that once I found my one and only soulmate in you, and I think you still are, just platonically, as my best friend, my twisted sister and as my person."
"But I don't think that love has to be divided in that way either."
"That I can love you both fully in different ways anyhow."
"And that doesn't make me love you or her any less."
"So I'm going to be friends with her now."
"Because that's what she wants."
"What she needs to be happy."
"And I can do that for her."
"I'd walk to the edge of the earth."
"Except that, I won't because I said I'll be taking her to dinner at that Vietnamese place you hate."
(Cristina smirks at this, and Meredith thinks it's just because Cristina hates it, not because she had once suggested to Addison she take her there…)
"And she can drink till she drops, or not if she doesn't wanna." Meredith continues.
"And then I'm gonna carry her home," Meredith says wistfully.
"Tonight-"
"And I'll tuck her under the covers."
"And I'll kiss her forehead goodnight."
"And I'll tuck her in her clothes."
"And I'll leave her two aspirin and a glass of water"
"And a note in the morning."
"Saying thanks for the memories best wishes, From Meredith Grey."
"So that she'll be sure to know…"
"Because I want her to know."
"Now that I know who she is,"
"I'm never letting her go."
"You two are going to be something beautiful, you know that," Cristina says to her, then continues.
"Now go make a girl proud!"
"Be a good friend to her."
"Be a good girlfriend once she gets over her gay panic."
"And become somebody that she knows she can trust."
"I believe in you."
"And no matter what happens."
"Know that I'll never stop loving you too, all the same, I'm your person. You can always call me."
Cristina finally finishes.
"I'll call you," Meredith promises.
"To let you know how it goes."
"I hope she lets me call it a date!"
"I already know her damn secret!"
Mer gets paged to join Addison on pyloric babies, so she waves goodbye to Cristina.
And she asks Cristina to text her about her own date with Izzie.
And Cristina says that she will, and gives Meredith her 'mystery person' note back along with Addison's chart with the word "Medications" circled on it, and also Addison's numbers labeled with "this one is her cell phone, don't give it out to people," and "this one is her office number, don't text that one, ever."
But Meredith doesn't have a chance to read all that before she answers her page.
She just stuffs them in her pocket, to read it all later.
When Meredith and Addison and Emmett and Anna and the two babies, no longer X and Y but now Cris Steven and Maddison are there, it's an interesting situation for sure.
Because Meredith pretty much thinks she knows Addison's secret, but she's not going to talk about it in front of patients.
And Addison is also keeping the secret she doesn't know Meredith already figured out.
So then Meredith is teasing her, saying things like "you seem like the kind of woman who would hold someone's hair when they throw up" to Addison, and watching her stiffen a little.
"Any friend of yours would be lucky to have you, I had a mystery man who was so kind to me once…" Meredith brings this up so she can see Addison's slight smile at the compliment, slight frown at the 'man' part, and another smile at the 'kind' part.
And then Addison gets pages to another consult, saving her from more of this slippery slope.
And so she leaves, saying to Meredith "See you at eight!" and Meredith nods and smiles at her.
And once she is gone from the room, Anna speaks up to Meredith:
"Addison seems really good at taking care of people when they're sick, I think you're right. She's been great with our babies" Anna says sweetly.
"She really is," Meredith smiles at Anna.
"Can you keep a secret?" Meredith asks her and Emmett, and they nod, saying they have kept all her secrets so far.
"Did you know that she held my hair when I was sick. And protected me from a stupid boy. I'm never going back to Derek. I'm her secret admirer. And she's my 'mystery lover'… maybe we were always meant to be…" Meredith says dreamily.
And Emmett smiles at her and says "I really hope that it works out for you, you are really great with the babies too, and you took care of them even when they spit-up on you. I know you'd take care of anyone you wanted to love just as much as Addison or anyone else."
And Meredith smiles at this, all the while glancing up at the door every ten seconds, to make sure Addison is not listening.
So Addison doesn't find out that way, that Meredith had finally cracked her best-kept secret in ages.
Addison eventually is on the way back to Anna and Emmett's room, when she's stopped in her tracks by a text message from an unknown number.
Text Message, 19:01, Location: Seattle
Unknown Number to Addison Forbes Montgomery
UNKNOWN NUMBER
[Call me, when you can. From Meredith Grey.]
Addison marks this message as "read".
Addison saves the "unknown number" into her phone as "Meredith Grey - :) "
Addison wonders if Cristina Yang told her Addison's cell phone number, or how she found it if she asked Derek.
But then the number, who is apparently Meredith, is texting her all over again.
Text Message, 19:03, Location: Seattle
Meredith Grey :) to Addison Forbes Montgomery
MEREDITH
[I got your number from your chart from Cristina please don't be mad.]
[I found it by accident. Can we talk and can we still go to dinner at Vietnamese later and maybe have it still be a date?]
Addison marks this message as "read".
And then Addison takes a moment to think about all the potential implications of all of this.
But then, Addison decides to just roll with the punches as all of it comes.
And she calls Meredith's number, which she finally has now.
And she says she can't wait to see Meredith, and she's on her way to check up on the patients now, but they are still on for eight, Meredith can still drive, and they still have to talk, but it can still maybe be a date.
And Meredith grins into the phone, and saves Addison's number now that she's sure it's really hers.
And the both of them read over the text messages, and smile insanely at how happy they are.
Once eight o'clock finally rolls around, Meredith is ready, rolling over Addison's keys in her hand.
And Addison is putting on her coat, and she's even brought an extra one for Meredith, because she already knows that her locker got broken (which she doesn't mention yet.)
And Meredith takes the coat gratefully and they walk out together to Addison's car.
Meredith can't resist at least hugging Addison as soon as they're in the parking lot.
They're not exactly hiding their relationship, or not-quite relationship.
But they are being discreet out of a mutual understanding that they've been prime gossip for a while, and 'Derek Shepherd's ex-wife and ex-girlfriend/mistress are now a couple' is something they want to process for themselves, before everyone at Seattle Grace is talking all about it.
And all on the way to the restaurant, Meredith is driving and Addison is sitting there.
And they don't want to talk just then, so they just sing along to the music.
And Meredith plays the first disc in the car, and it's "Broken" by Lifehouse, again.
They listen to it over and over, and Meredith loves this song more than anything.
Because it makes her think of Addison's car and her keys and all of her memories with Addison.
Meredith orders at dinner, because she's been here so many times and Addison asks her to pick out the best stuff.
And Meredith puffs out with pride at being given such trust and responsibility.
And then finally Meredith starts to talk and ask questions.
And Meredith confesses first, to having been Addison's 'secret admirer'.
And Addison smiles widely, and confesses she'd had a hunch all along about that one, but that she'd finally figured it out when Meredith wasn't that jealous of that person, and also knew about it.
And Meredith confesses that wasn't her smartest tactic.
And Addison just says "thanks for the drink, Meredith, really".
And Meredith smiles.
And then Meredith gets serious, and explains to Addison how she thought that she was her 'mystery person'.
Meredith wordlessly pulls out the post-it note from earlier with her name on it, the chart from Cristina and the line that said "medications" and the mystery note from that first night, where it says 'thanks for the memories'.
And Meredith points at all the capital "M" places.
And proves to Addison they all look the same.
And she says that "also you apparently did pretty much the same thing for Derek that night, so it was a big hint. And he said that you always use coat racks, and you really really care about my potted plant because you might have bumped into me, and then I knocked it over…"
"And then you weren't very jealous, ever, of my 'mystery person' and you flinched when I called him a 'mystery MAN'. And you had such a short response about where you had been that night, it was so long ago that I just believed you. And I guess I never thought not to. But then I figured this all out, and there are not that many people who would care so much about getting someone home safe to sleep in Seattle, without the promise of sex. And you're one of those kindhearted people…" Meredith keeps going.
"And I'm so glad that it's YOU, because I don't have to worry about a 'mystery person' showing up and trying to hit on me, and that being confusing for both of us" Meredith finally admits happily.
And Addison is overjoyed with relief that Meredith isn't extremely mad at her, or wanting to leave or give up.
And Addison says to Meredith that "I'm really glad you're my 'secret admirer', because I don't want to be admired by anyone but you".
And there's just a moment of happy silence between them when all the truths and the mysteries seem to unfold before their eyes.
And they stare into each other's eyes and watch them clear in a sigh of relief.
There are no longer these secrets between them.
It's just THEM, and them alone.
And it's really tremendous, how welcoming it all feels.
Meredith says she meant everything she said "any friend would be lucky to have you," and all the other stuff.
And then Meredith asks why Addison kept that whole thing about taking care of her, a secret for so long.
And Addison says "Thanks, and I didn't say because I didn't have to be some weird sort of hero to you, I didn't want you to be obsessed with one side of me when I was still with Derek at the time," Addison explains.
"I was worried if you knew before you liked me anyhow, that could have been weird or a suckup or clingy or something that wasn't genuine, and plus, I hadn't figured out I liked women yet, romantically or any of that, and I didn't know that you fancied women either," Addison says.
Addison eventually says to her "We don't have to be friends if you hate me for lying, we don't have to be enemies either, or anything more or less…" insecurely as Meredith is still a bit shocked at this.
"We can forget you ever remembered," Addison offers.
"Thanks but I don't want to ever forget just how kind you were to me, back then, it almost feels like yesterday back when you were just Derek's wife and I was just Derek's girlfriend/mistress. And I had just said "pick me, choose me, love me," to HIM, and I was drowning myself waiting for YOUR husband to show up and have an adulterous love affair with me, or until he left you at least…" Meredith rambles a lot.
"You could have hated me, Addie, by all rights you should have. But you didn't. And you took me home and didn't even take credit for it. And I'm- Just thank you so much. I'm a bit sad you felt you had to keep it a secret for so long, but I'm glad you're telling me now. And plus, I mean I also did sort of lie to you about the fact that I was working on your case when I ran off…" Meredith says.
Addison says to Meredith "you're not too bad yourself, kid" giving Meredith an endearing nickname, because she liked it when Meredith called her "Addie".
"Thanks for sticking up for me. Thanks for coming out all that way in the rain for me that night. You made me feel less alone, you let me sit beside you that night when you could have bitten my head off…" Meredith explains to her.
"We could hang out at Joe's again, but no more tequila for me," Addison says, finally opening up about how the tequila burned that night.
"Agreed. And no more scotch either, let's not think about Derek for a while," Meredith says.
Addison says "I'll teach you to love wine sometime," to Meredith, then.
"You could teach me to love any-alcohol," Meredith grins up at Addison.
(You could teach me to love anything… Anyone… YOU. You could teach me to love you… Meredith thinks in her mind…)
(Could I teach you to love me? Addison doesn't ask, and Meredith doesn't answer, because of course, she didn't ask.)
(While meanwhile, the both of them are thinking the very same thing; could they teach each other to love them, the way they deserved to be loved…?
So do you want to come to the bar and drink wine with me? Meredith asks Addison, after a delicious dinner.
And Addison says they can go to Joe's if they really want to, later, for a while, but she doesn't want to drink tonight.
And Meredith doesn't either.
And neither of them really says why.
So they just keep eating Vietnamese food.
(Because the last time they'd almost kissed, Meredith had said no because Addison was drunk. And neither of them wanted to ruin their chances at a kiss tonight, if they decided it IS a date, after all.)
And Meredith asks Addison to tell her exactly what happened that night. And Addison does.
2 of
Us,
At dinner,
Chat and chill,
"So what did I miss?"
"Tell me what you know"
Mer will tell her all that she
Remembers from that night, then,
Addie will fill her in a few blanks.
Meredith nod, and asks her next -
"Why did you do this for me?"
Because you were alone,
And so was I, I was so,
So alone and as well,
Joe asked me to.
So tell him thanks,
"Thanks, Joe."
Mer will say she's tired and Addison will want to stay out more.
And Mer will say no "don't make me take you home."
"I can't carry you all on my own".
So Addie agrees to go.
So then,
Mer,
Drives Addie Home.
So that she,
Was.
Not.
All.
Alone
And Meredith,
Wasn't all alone either.
By this time in the evening, Addison has inhaled all her dinner, because she loves it so much.
They've moved on to Joe's now, and Meredith is laughing as Addison keeps eating more of the desert they've packed up 'for later' from the restaurant.
"Are you going to throw up Addison?" Meredith asks her. "Because I know you said you held up my hair and all when I did but I'm just a little on the queasy side when it comes to that stuff after the other day," Meredith says.
"Probably not," says Addison honestly.
"I know my limits, Meredith. At least about my own eating and drinking by now" Addison states.
"I'm a bit older than you now, so I'm wiser about it. I drink a lot more than I should, day to day already, so what you're seeing day today isn't going to result in a total blackout like your drunken night here" Addison says.
"Addison, you're not an alcoholic are you?" Meredith asks a little too gently, even though Addison isn't even drinking tonight.
"No, I would know if I were, Derek or Mark would have known. I don't need to drink alcohol, I go days without it all the time especially when I'm working a lot" Addison begins.
"But just recently, with the whole affair then the breakup then the moving then the divorce, then being suddenly GAY, and keeping secrets for so long... I guess I got a little accustomed to needing a little something to take the edge away" Addison says in a much more vulnerable manner than she probably would have to anyone but Meredith.
And it makes Meredith see Addison even more, see all her guilt, her doubt, her shame. Her self-loathing. Her pain. Her heartbreak.
Meredith can see every human emotion swimming across Addison's face right now. She's so much taller than Meredith, plus she's usually wearing high heels. She's much more experienced than Meredith, she's her Attending as well as her teacher.
But right here, right now, to Meredith Grey at least, Addison does not have the same 'royal veneer' that she usually has. It's like she's seeing Addison in a different light for the first time now; without all her trust fund and properties and jewelry, clothes, makeup and hair.
She's seeing Addison as an equal to her now, she's looking on to her face next to her eye to eye.
And she sees in Addison's eyes a despair she's been holding onto since she first started seeing Derek; a sense that she's lost pieces of herself that she's given up and given away. She seems empty and broken and a shell of whoever she might have been before her marriage.
And Meredith can see all of her grief from the good parts of hers and Derek's friendships, she can see all the guilt and the heartache and regret. And she can see all the sense of relief washing over Addison, as it is slowly sinking into him that she doesn't have to go home to him ever again.
But after all the divorce stress and before the building herself back up can begin; Addison is hitting rock bottom now. She's having an objectively a great time with this Grey girl but just like the first night they met here she's having one of the worst days she's ever really had in her life.
The last time that Addison came here with Meredith, they were both hanging onto the thin hope that Derek would be a new man and take care of them. But that now, they both knew that the goodbye's had been final; that they wanted them to be, even.
But they still both could feel that a part of their soul had been ripped apart and that those pieces that Derek had ripped off from them were still pieces that were attached to them somehow. And those pieces of them - are now completely torn, cut off and exposed and raw. That all of those scars that once healed are bared fresh in the blood for all peering eyes to see.
But at least they were broken together, and with each other's grounding touch and each other's kind and soft eyes, they can start moving forward and help each other build themselves back together again.
As Meredith looks into Addison's eyes again, she zones off for a moment, trying to concentrate on the words Addison has told her about that first night here at Joe's. And above all of the odds and above all of the both of their low expectations, Meredith starts to slowly but surely remember.
And the first thing that Meredith slowly remembers from that first night here, was when Addison was sad about leaving Derek and how she had opened with her for the first time.
How Addison seemed to have recognized the very same melancholy in Meredith as she held her gaze without patronizing her. Without questions. Without judgment. Without competing with her. And without adding an ounce to her pain.
Meredith remembers how she could all but see the metaphorical bruises Addison had been hiding, holding back from even herself and from her, way back then. The ones Derek had impacted deep onto Addison's soul. She could imagine them all, all swollen black and the blue.
Meredith thinks retrospectively that Addison must have seen in her the very same beginnings of her own bruising. How Addison must have seen on her the very first of the pieces that Derek Shepherd had pried away from her; the biggest pieces he'd torn off that very day when he hadn't chosen her.
And Meredith thinks back to that moment, how all she wanted before it was for Derek to come back to that bar and to sweep her off of her feet again. But that somehow after Addison had bared her own scars to her, how she had loved Derek as McDreamy much, much less after that.
Meredith then remembers from then how a part of her wanted to reach out and hold onto Addison's hands on her own and to squeeze them both tight.
And how Meredith didn't then.
Because she didn't see why becoming buddies with her ex-boyfriend's ex-wife would have made any sense to her.
But Meredith does it for Addison now.
"Here, take my hand Addison" Meredith reaches over to rub the palms of Addison's hands in her fingers.
She smoothes them over and massages them, wearing the stress from her surgeries away.
The human touch makes Addison tearful, and she starts to cry as Meredith works the knots out of her overworked muscles.
And as Meredith caresses sweet circles into Addison's palms,
Addison starts to completely let her tears go.
"I can't believe that it's over!" Addison sobs as hard as she could.
She hadn't ever cried from her divorce yet, and now that she didn't have to carry these secrets anymore, she's finally letting go.
Normally Addison would never let herself cry in public. Her other Bizzy always told her not to.
But Meredith says that it's "just the two of us now." And that seems to do the trick.
And Meredith wraps her into a tight embrace, holding Addison's head to the crook of her neck.
Meredith twirls a hair from Addison's face in her fingers as she holds her arms over Addison's shoulders and rubs soothing patterns into Addison's back.
Addison sighs, and thinks idly, that this is a nearly exact role reversal of the first night in the bar, ages ago.
Only this time, she's the one that's being held. And she's the one pouring her heart.
And she's the one who can't stop herself from feeling all her feelings out in the open.
And Addison can't help but feel relieved that Meredith had squeezed them into the booth at the very back of the bar right now because the last thing that she needed was to have someone recognize her as one of their doctors and for them to never trust her ever again, ever.
"Eleven years, Meredith. I was with Derek Shepherd for eleven years" Addison cries.
"Eleven Christmases, Eleven Thanksgivings. Did you know one time he invited his family over on Christmas dinner and made me cook a turkey for the first time in my life and when his sister got food poisoning, that Derek made hot dogs and everyone called HIM the hero?!"
Addison's asking as if Derek might have told that story to her in pride somehow.
"No, I didn't know that," Meredith says, "It sounds pretty funny, in a gross and terribly tragic sort of way though" Meredith smiles down at Addison.
"I was so mad at him then. He walks in with a silver platter when he's the one who has gotten me into all of this mess in the first place. His mother thinks that I poisoned her on purpose and she never liked me at all after that. Never forgave me. I saw a wedding ring from her family one time at Derek's parent's house and that's when I knew that Derek had bought his own ring because his mother wouldn't give her her grandmother's" Addison sobs again.
"She hated me, Meredith. She. HATED. ME." Addison sobs even harder.
"And I'm a good person I think even if I hate myself an awful lot, I tried to be good for him. But all they saw me as was this rich stuck-up person who never knew how to struggle, who couldn't cook turkey and who wasn't for Derek."
"Well, they were right about one thing at least" Meredith grins down at her.
"MEREDITH YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH DEREK'S MOTHER" Addison yells.
"Shhhhh, it's okay, Addie" Meredith calls her by her nickname instinctively as she places a hand gently on Addison's face.
The nickname rolls gently off of Meredith's lips. And Addison wonders to herself why she likes it when Meredith calls her that, whereas when Derek says it it has such a bitterness that she wants to rip all the words right out of his face.
"Thank you Merediffff" Addison tries but fails miserably at pronouncing Meredith's name to her through all her sobs.
"Addison, you're slurring like you were when you were drinking, I think the shock from the divorce is just starting to hit you now" Meredith says, sounding a little concerned.
"I'll be okay, because you're here, Meredif" Addison sniffles softly.
And Meredith doesn't mention how much she loves when Addison calls her that.
"We accept the love we think we deserve," Meredith says to Addison softly.
"We accept the love we think we deserve," Addison says to Meredith softly.
Joe, can you hand me our tab? Meredith smiles up at him, and Walter dials the number.
And it's a sort of reverse deja-vu again for all of them.
"Let me help you get home…" Meredith motions for Addison to sit next to her in her own car.
And Addison does.
***** END OF CHAPTER 39
Author's Note 2:
Hope you liked the reveal, let me know what you think of it.
This was actually one of the very first chapters to be ever written, or at least, most of it was. Can you believe that?
Some changes were added at the last minute, but for the most part, it has been the same.
The small poem in the middle, for example, was written over a month ago, when I thought, then, that this would be only a few chapter drabbles.
And now, it's probably the hardest writing project I've ever taken on in my life, and I love it.
Please leave me a note on this chapter, if there's ever a chapter to talk about it's this one, as another counterpart to "I will follow you into the dark".
These are the long and plot-heavy ones that drive the story forward.
What will happen next? They still have not had the conversation about if this is a 'date' or not…
What do you WANT to happen next? Let me know!
Thanks all, in advance, for the love.
Enjoy the next approximately 48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
THANK YOU FOR READING! LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY :D
PS, If you want to read something else while you wait, check out "Soothe"
SootheIn Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe.
Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her.
F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction.
Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M.
Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity.
Its the other work that I'm working on that has a similar angst/hurt-comfort/MerAdd storyline.
Anyway, if you want to read more, you might like it and I'd love feedback on this new story!
Full link here: /works/24039004/chapters/57840982
Yours, truly,
bobbiejelly