Chapter 29
After standing alone for two more songs, wishing she could just go home, Helga felt relief wash over her as Arnold finally returned. "Where did you go?" she asked.
"I had to take care of something," he said, taking her hand and pulling her to the center of the dance floor.
Helga wrapped her arms around herself. "Arnold, I don't know if I want to be here," she said quietly, feeling others' eyes raking over them. She wondered if Rhonda was already making good on her promise or if there were more people in the room like Sid and Stinky, seeing her through the eyes of an old reputation that kept them from ever seeing the real her.
Arnold brushed his hand along her cheek, guiding her eyes to his. "Just one dance, then we can go," he said.
She looked at him in surprise. "Really? Even though we just got here?"
He nodded in sincerity and held out his hand to her. She took it, and he pulled her gently into his arms just as the band launched into a soulful cover she didn't recognize.
He smiled and said into her ear, "I requested this song for you."
She smiled. So that's what he'd been doing. "For me? What is it?" she asked.
He pulled her closer. "Just listen."
She tried to take her focus off all the watchful eyes around her and focus on the song instead. The melody was slow and beautiful, and she tried to match her breathing to the rhythm. She lay her head on Arnold's shoulder, closed her eyes, and sighed.
The lead singer began crooning sweetly, "People laugh each time they see us walking by and their whispering just makes you feel like you wanna cry." Helga's heart skipped a beat and her eyes fluttered open to stare up into Arnold's. He kissed her cheek softly, and they swayed in sync in small circles around the dance floor.
"Keep on walking by my side, don't look behind.
You know I love you,
so don't you pay 'em no mind."
Helga's breath caught in her throat as she thought of how every word was meant for her ears alone, to comfort her, to make her feel more safe and at ease in this very room with him.
"People say our love ain't gonna last too long.
And they point at us,
just like we've been only carrying on,
Keep on looking in my eyes and we'll be fine.
You see I love you,
so don't you pay 'em no mind."
At that point in the song, Arnold placed his cheek against hers, and he began singing softly along in her ear:
"Stay with me and let 'em see,
let 'em know that you love me, that you love me,
If it's true who cares what they do?
Cause I don't need anyone but you."
"Stop," she whispered, trying to will herself not to cry.
He nuzzled her cheek. "I love you," he said softly.
"I love you, too," she said, her voice breaking. She wondered how with just one action he had managed to make the entire night worth it.
"Just you and me, we're gonna make it all alone.
Let them laugh at us,
We're gonna build a world all our own."
She laughed softly, thinking of the world they'd already built together in the safety of each other's arms. Anrold sighed in contentment, and they let the sweetness of the words and melody bring their hearts closer together.
"Keep on then, keep on holdin' on to me,
they'll learn in time I really love you,
so don't you pay 'em no mind.
You know I love you,
you know I can't be without you
So don't pay 'em no mind,
Don't pay 'em no mind."
When the song ended, Arnold and Helga stopped swaying and held each other in a warm embrace. The couples around them dispersed as the next song began playing, but they continued holding each other, oblivious to the world around them. They stood stock-still, feeling the invisible thread between them and the contentment of just being together. They both sighed, coming back into the room at the same moment and looking into each other's eyes.
"Wanna go outside?" he asked over the noise. She nodded.
They stepped into the brisk night air and walked along the path around the side of the building, finding a bench away from any prying eyes. She sat down, curling one foot under her knee and propping her elbow up on the back of the bench, just like she always did. Arnold smiled.
She gazed up at him in awe. "What song was that?" she breathed.
Arnold sat down next to her. "It's called 'Don't Pay 'Em No Mind' by Nina Simone," he said. "Gerald and I used to go up to his attic and listen to all his dad's old records, and I always loved that one."
"It was beautiful," she said. "The words, they were so," she grasped for the right word, and then, upon meeting his eyes, said in a hushed tone, "so perfect."
He smiled. Helga's face was alight with inspiration, just as it was when she read poetry or told him excitedly about an idea she thought was beautiful. He gazed at her. She was beautiful.
Suddenly what Sid and Stinky had said about her entered his mind, and the disgust washed over him again. He said regretfully, "Helga, if I'd known anyone would be like that, I never would have-"
"No, don't," she cut in, putting her hand on his. "It's okay. You playing that song, it just made me realize something." She paused, feeling the truth build inside her. "I've gone my whole life hiding my feelings for you, because I thought wanting someone, wanting anyone, made me weak, or a target."
She paused. She thought about her classmates trampling on her feelings for Arnold in preschool, and how they'd reacted to her poem in middle school, and their words to her that night, and how up until now she'd been fine losing herself to it all because she'd thought it didn't matter- that she didn't matter.
She looked at Arnold sitting next to her, looking at her with all the kindness in the world. He'd known she mattered. He'd known from the very first day they'd met that she mattered when he held his umbrella over her. He'd shielded her from what she felt powerless to shield herself from.
It wasn't just that she loved him for the kindness he'd shown her that day; it was that his kindness had made her feel good, and she wanted to keep feeling good. So she chased him around for years, thinking kindness was something only others could give her- not something she could give herself.
She understood something in that moment that she'd been unable to see all her life: Arnold's words and actions had been teaching her all along how she could treat herself. They inspired all her words because he saw something true in her, something she wanted to see in herself and hold onto.
So why was she looking at everyone else's eyes for kindness when she could look at his? When she could look at hers?
She laughed softly. "I always thought loving you was what made me special," she said. "But I think part of why I've always loved you is because you held up a mirror to show me how I'm special anyway."
She sighed deeply and stared up at the sky. "The point is, I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, for you or for me," she said, touching her scarred fingers to the locket around her neck.
His eyes were half-lidded and dreamy. "So, let 'em talk?" he said.
"Damn straight," she said softly, smiling at him.
He smiled back, loving her quiet conviction with every fiber of his being. "Come here," he said. She pulled her other knee up on the bench, the tulle pooling around her like a flower, and he put both hands on her face and kissed her with all the tenderness he felt for her in that moment.
He knew his classmates were scared, just like Helga had been growing up. They were scared of not measuring up, of comparing themselves to others and finding themselves lacking, of not being enough in some way. And instead of facing it, they pinned that not enoughness on someone else. They pinned it on the person he loved. It wasn't fair, and yet here she was, willing to look past it all so they could preserve and cherish this love they'd built, for each other and themselves.
When he pulled back, Helga stood and straightened herself up. "Come on," she said, pulling him up with a determined look on her face.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"We're going back in there," she said, pointing to the gym. "I came here to dance with you and have a good time and that's what I'm gonna do." She started stomping back toward the building, and he smiled in that knowing way of his.
"Whatever you say, Helga."