The Ballad of Sam Tyler
"Ailith? Can you hear us?"
The voice sounded so familiar and so hopeful. It was mingled with an electronic beeping noise every so often and slowly, more voices in the background. I opened my eyes to a bright world, bright white lights and white walls which stung my eyes. Three figures came into view, blurry at first, but once my eyes adjusted, I realised who it was.
"Mamma? Pappa? Finny?"
How did they get here? How did I get here? Where was here, an even better question? When is this? The last thing I remember was seeing my friends leaning over me, trying to stop me from bleeding to death…so how had I got here?
"What happened?" I croaked, surprising myself at how small and far away my voice sounded.
Mamma leaned over the side of the bed, stroking my hair, "You were in a car accident."
"But… Danni and Taylor, where are they?"
"I'm so, so sorry min kjaera… they didn't make it."
6 months later.
"Alright Pancake?" Fin asked, walking into the living room, where I was sprawled out on the sofa, half-heartedly watching Life on Mars. My hair, having grown it out because I couldn't be arsed to get it cut anymore, was starting to make me look like Kokoro from Darling in the Franxx, as if I had a super long, brown cosplay wig on. My brother stood by my head, looking at the telly and then back down at me, flipping one of the braids I'd half-arsed my hair into. "Are you watching that or…"
"Maybe." I shrugged. I felt a tingle on my spine, just as Sam Tyler jumped from the roof, returning to Gene Hunt and the rest of his mates and most importantly, Annie. Weird, I thought.
Fin sighed and put his hands on his hips, looking a bit frustrated.
"Come on Pancake, you can't keep going on like this."
"Like what? I don't have Danni, I don't have Taylor, I don't have Don-"
"Don isn't real, Pancake, we've been over this!"
"YES HE IS!" I jumped up, shouting at my brother. He was taken aback, this being the most animated I'd been in half a year. "He is real, all of them are real! I could tell you everything about them, their birthdays, the names of their dogs or cats or siblings. How could I make all of that up in my head, Finny, in a coma?"
"I don't know, but things like that happen!"
"Fuck off and leave me alone."
I stormed off to my room, slamming and locking the door. I laid on my bed, frustrated, angry, hurt, lonely and heartbroken. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back so badly. I'd adjusted so much that I couldn't re-adjust to being…well, home. I kept my light off in my room and laid on my bed, thinking about my friends, my sisters…my husband. My Don. I knew he was real, I knew that wherever he was, he was waiting for me to come home, to him. I switched my little telly on, just for some background noise really, trying to get to sleep.
I wasn't sure how long ago I'd fallen asleep, but I was woken up by the sound of white noise. You know the kind, like what old aerial tellies used to make when you got the wrong channel. I pushed myself onto my elbows, looking at the screen half-asleep, when a face flickered onto it. now I sat bolt upright.
Tay?!
I crawled off my day bed and knelt in front of the screen on the floor.
Hey, Lith…it's just me...Tay…I'm stuck here for a little bit, so I thought I'd keep you company…they said I could move my bed right up to yours, I thought it might keep you warm…
She'd done something to her face, but it was hard to see; the screen was all blurry and out of focus.
I wish you'd wake up…I hate not being able to talk to you…the guys miss you too…Bill and Joe and Buck are here too…Bill and Joe…they lost a leg each, not long after you got shot…I got caught up in the same blast, but luckily I only fucked up my face…Oy gehvalt…I feel bad, talking at you like this…but I think I'd go cray-cray if I didn't…
"I know…I want to come home…I'll do my best…" I found myself talking to the screen as it flickered back off, back to the black screen when the channel isn't available. I sighed and crawled back into bed, pulling the cover my head.
I was once again home alone. Since getting back here, life had just resumed for mum and dad like it always had. Dad was always in the pub, mum was up and down the country doing archaeological digs and Finny was obviously away with the army, on exercise somewhere. I'd woken up around mid-day, the pills the doctors had given me for my 'delusions' seemed strong enough to knock out a horse. Maybe that was the aim of the game; keep me dosed up enough to keep me quiet about what I felt and saw.
I sloped to the bathroom, rubbing my stomach under my pyjama top and flinging the door open.
I was startled to find that it wasn't my bathroom.
The smell of the wood shavings, the tobacco, the men's aftershave…my favourite men's aftershave…
My door had become a portal to Toccoa.
There were several people sat around on the bunks; Bill laying on his, Joe, Skip and Penk playing cards and Don, standing at the window of the hut, looking for something or someone.
For cryin' out loud Malark, will you knock it off?
What?
Staring out the window like that! She ain't going to appear any faster.
Who says I'm looking for her?
Your face for Gawd's sake! Yous look like yer waitin' for your lover to come back from sea.
Shut up Bill!
He has a point. Everyone in the company can see you like her, just ask her out! Penk was telling him, looking over his shoulder.
No way!
Why the fuck not?
Because…she probably doesn't like me the same anyway…she's got guys lining the block…
And she ain't gone out with any of 'em. Ain't that tellin' you somethin' ya big mick?
I felt myself grinning and feeling almost shy, with the heaviest of hearts. The big clown; he'd loved me all these years and I never knew…
"What're you doin' love?" My dad's voice brought me back to reality and I found myself standing in the bathroom door.
"Nothing dad…just…getting my bearings."
"Ye get lost on the way to the loo, did ye?"
"Yeah…y'know, with the medicine…"
Dad patted me on the head, "Aye…but it's to help, love…Now, what can I get ye for dinner? De ye want some boxty?"
Once again, that night, I awoke to the sounds of static coming from my telly. I lifted my head up, wondering who was going to appear this time. I almost felt like I was in A Christmas Carol.
A blurred image of someone with dark reddish hair came on screen, appearing to lean over the other me.
Baby…it's me…Don…I don't know, if you can hear me…you've been asleep for a long time now…it's the middle of January…they send Bill and Joe and Buck home…I guess your sister probably told you…I'm…I'm sorry, I haven't been, before now but I… it's so selfish, but I can't bear to look at you like this…to not be able to see you smile, see you laugh…I miss the sound of your voice…I wanted to say I'm sorry…for all the shit I've ever said to you, for not telling you I loved you sooner, for being so mean that day…I mean, if you wanted to leave me, all you had to do was ask for a divorce, not get yourself shot…not that I'd ever let you go…Just please…come back to me…
The screen went black like it had last time and I was left alone, crying in the dark. I wanted to go home.
"Alright Pancake." Finny greeted me carefully when he came in from work. He dropped his kit bag in the hall and stood by the kitchen island, while I stood stirring some milk in the pan on the stove.
"Hello."
There was a weird silence between us, like I'd forgotten who he was. I glanced at his reflection in the tiles, watching him stare at my back, wondering what to say to me.
"Do you want some hot chocolate?" I finally ended the silence.
"If you don't mind."
I picked out another cup, World's Best Brother. I'd gotten it him for Christmas when I was about 6 and it was his favourite mug.
"Still the best brother then?" He asked, gratefully taking the fresh hot chocolate from me.
"I guess." I shrugged, sipping my own drink.
Fin sighed and dropped his head, "Look, Cakey…I'm sorry about what I said the other week…"
"Okay."
"Cake, come on…"
"It's fine, Fin. I don't expect you to understand. You don't believe me, I get it. You think I'm loopy, I get it."
"I don't think you're loopy, I just think you have a very convincing dream while you were in a coma."
"And that's your opinion." I told him, matter-of-factly, quickly finishing my drink and going to the door.
"Woah, 'ang on! Where're you going?"
"Out, for a walk."
I scowled as I wandered down the beach, holding my shoes by the laces so I could paddle in the waves that met the shore. Finny had followed me, still in his army get up and the few people that were on the beach in the evening were starting to stare at us. It wasn't them staring that bothered me so much, as it was Finny following me like I was under some kind of arrest…bit like when Link keeps following Zelda in Breath of the Wild and she tells him to bugger off.
"Fin, will you fuck off?"
"Nope."
"I'm fine, I just want to be left alone!"
"I don't think you're fine."
"I'm not fine. I miss my 'imaginary' husband and Danni and Taylor. I want to be left alone, people are looking at us like two weirdos." I huffed, stopping and letting the waves roll over my feet and ankles. The sky had turned a beautiful sunset rose, the big fluffy clouds in the sky turning a candy floss pink and the sun dipped down to meet the ocean. The wind tugged at my hair and I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath through my nose.
I wish you could see this, Don. I wish you could share this sunset with me.
Wo~w! Look at the sky! Isn't it such a pretty colour?
It's the sky, what's so exciting about it?
Are you kidding? Look at how beautiful it is!
The two of us sat on the bonnet of Taylor's jeep, on a hill overlooking Aldbourne. She was off in London and I fancied a drive. I was going to go alone, had I not seen Don and the others on my way through the village. It was a few days after we got back from Normandy and the first time we'd really been alone since Carentan.
I know something better than this sunset.
Oh ah? What's that then?
You.
I could feel myself turn pink even now.
Me?
You're beautiful, Ailith.
Ah, I don't think so…I think I'm okay, but not beautiful.
I've never known anyone as beautiful as you. From the inside, to the outside. You're perfect to me; a beautiful, perfect angel.
Stop being daft! I'm not any of those.
I love you.
What?
I love you. I'm in love with you, I adore you, from your head to your toes, I love you.
It was the first time he'd really told me he loved me. I'd asked him back at Carentan whether he loved me or not and he said he did, but hearing the words come out of his mouth so ardently and candidly, I felt overwhelmed with joy…I don't think I'd ever felt so loved in my life.
"Cake? What's up? Why're you crying Lith?"
I broke down sobbing, grabbing my t-shirt as if it's stop the gaping hole in my chest from hurting.
"I was supposed to be with him forever! I promised him we'd always be together!" I sobbed, turning to look at my brother. "Tell me I'm making this up! Tell me the pain I'm in isn't real, Fionn! Tell me it's all in my head!"
Fin wasn't sure what to do. For all his military might and supportiveness, he'd got nothing. No comforting words, no sympathetic glance, just a stupid sad look on his face.
I wanted to run. I wanted to run off into the sea or run until I couldn't run anymore, but my legs wouldn't move. They just sank into the waves at my feet.
"I want Don…I don't want anything else, I want him back!"
For the next few days, I double dosed myself, knocking me out for nearly 72 full hours. I couldn't bear to be awake anymore. The more I was awake, the more I thought about Don. The more I thought about Don, the more depressed I became, the more it hurt. The longer I slept and the least time I spent in pain, the better. I couldn't care any less if I never woke up if I tried. I didn't want to be there, all alone, without my friends and without Don. I'd take getting the shit shelled out of me over being alone in the dark for the rest of my life, with my family thinking I was a nutter any day.
Dad would come in and leave me a drink and a bit of toast or a slice of barmbrack…but I didn't even want to eat. It didn't taste of anything anyway. Nothing tasted of anything; cigarettes, food, drinks. Nothing. The only time I felt any good was when I was off my tits on medication.
It was after the 3rd day of drugging myself up, that I woke to hearing voices. The voices weren't coming from my telly this time. They sounded a lot realer and further away. I sat up, waiting for the room to settle before I swung my feet onto the floor. There was a plate of barmbrack on the low coffee table in the middle of my room, with a glass of water. My feet crunched on the empty packets of tablets on the floor that I'd carelessly thrown there.
The cottage was completely silent and still. Dad was at the pub, mum was somewhere up in Lincolnshire or round about there and Finny had to go back to base. Since coming home, the cottage had been turned from a guesthouse, to a convalescent home for me…but it didn't seem to do me any good. I looked around, hearing the voices again. My hair fell to my waist as I stepped barefoot into the landing, wearing the same pyjama top and shorts as I had been three days ago, walking as quietly as I could to the kitchen. I didn't want whoever it was outside knowing I was up and on the prowl. Just in case it was burglars or something, I grabbed the longest knife we had from the knife block and slowly unlocked the French doors in the study that led into the little garden.
I didn't hear anything for a minute, until I turned a corner. My breath caught in my throat as I met with two familiar looking silhouettes. They turned to look at me, just as surprised to see me as I was them.
"Mouse?"
"What the fuck are you two doing here?!"
Skip and Penk smiled sadly at me.
"Why don't you put the knife down first?"
I looked at the knife in my hand, setting it down on the garden table.
"We bought it. direct hit to our fox-hole." Skip told me as we stood on the cliff where my cottage stood, looking out at the sea. "That's it for us."
"It can't be! It's not fair!" I cried. If being awake was going to be this painful for the rest of my life, then I should never have woken up. "What about all the things we were going to do? What about having you over for Thanksgiving? What about you being Uncles?"
"We'll always be there…in spirit." Pinky gave me a reassuring smile. "But you gotta get back to Malark first."
"I don't know how!" I told them, wiping my constant flow of tears. "I've tried! I can hear everyone talking to me, but I don't know how to get back! I don't know what's real anymore!"
"Well, considering we're here…doesn't that give you a clue?"
"I know I'm not in Helgafjell…so where am I?"
"Let's just say, we can't move on, until you get back to where you should be."
"But how…"
"Just do what us paratroopers do best."
A sudden realisation hit me. How stupid could I be! That was it. I knew I'd gotten that tingle for a reason! Sam Tyler jumped to be with Annie and his friends…and jumping is what paratroopers did best.
I had no idea if any of this had been real. Would I find out in 80 years that my two best friends had been killed in a car accident and I killed myself out of grief? Or would all of us have died together and this was all just one big dream, like purgatory?
Whatever it may have been, I'd had enough. My life would never be the same if I stayed here and I couldn't go on without Don. I felt the cold dew on the grass beneath my feet even before I knew I was running, leaping off the edge into the swirling, salty, inky looking waves below.