26: Apologia

You never do actually make it to Luthor Corp for the surprise lunch you'd planned to spring on Lena. A Supergirl emergency takes you away from even your conversation with Sam and though you do power through the rest of the afternoon both as Supergirl and Kara Danvers, the journalist, you feel completely fatigued and desolate when you finally make it home that night.

You've been a lot of different people over the years. You were Kara Zor-El on Krypton, the proud daughter of the house of El, destined to follow in your parents' footsteps; then you were a refugee from a ravished and dying planet sent away to survive and care for your infant cousin; for over two decades you were a child lost in the phantom zone; an orphan in a new planet that endowed you with god-like abilities; a Danvers, a sister; an assistant, Supergirl, a reporter, a journalist. You're Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El, Supergirl. You're so many things, so many roles, so many people. There are so many expectations, different and various standards and responsibilities for each one, and it's utterly exhausting.

It's past ten o'clock when you get home and the apartment is dark when you arrive. There's classical music playing, Lena's go-to when she's working and you take a few long minutes to watch her dimly illuminated form as she draws on her tablet.

It's one of your favorite things to do, watching Lena, but then again, there are very few things that aren't your favorite when it comes to her. You watch her bite her lip thoughtfully, her brow furrowing. Something draws her eyes to you and her mouth breaks into a smile when she sees you. Your heart beats and beats and beats.

"Kara what's wrong?" She says immediately, her brows furrowed again.

You shake your head and give her a small smile. It's simultaneously nothing and everything.

"Come here." She says firmly, placing her tablet on the bedside table as she reaches a hand out for you.

She pulls you in the moment you're within reach and you let the feel of her overtake your senses. You breathe in deeply, letting her scent wash over you, settle you, let it fill the cracks of desolation the day has dealt.

"I love you." She tells you, as she moves to straddle you and you kiss her cheek in response. You close your eyes and hold her close, letting the steady beating of her heart and the quiet of the night calm you.

"Lee," you begin, and her heart does that familiar skipping it does when you call her that and you press a kiss to her collarbone. There is truly nothing you do not love about her, it's absolutely insane how she makes you feel. "If I'd asked you out years ago, maybe soon after we met. Would you have gone out with me?"

Her face morphs into thoughtful and you trail kisses along her jaw as she thinks about her answer, when finally she speaks, she's a little breathless. "No... I don't think I would have."

Her answer stops you for a second, just a heartbeat, no more, because you know her, you love her and she loves you. You kiss her neck and her pulse races.

"No?"

"God, no." She affirms, voice rough. "Adorable, perfect, sunny, angelic Kara Danvers. I would never have risked tainting you with the Luthor name. It was one thing to be your friend, let you show the world how L-Corp could be a force for good. But date you? Date that Kara Danvers? The masses would have torn her apart."

"I was tougher than that. Even then."

She gives a small laugh. "You were. You are. But darling, you should have seen you... You were like an angel on loan from the heavens."

"I wasted so much time." You tell her. "I should have told you sooner."

"About Supergirl?" She chuckles darkly and your hold on her tightens involuntarily. "I would have been afraid to go out with Supergirl even more. Back then, a Luthor with a Super... With Lex running around in the shadows. He'd have tried harder to kill you."

"He'd have tried, Lena. And he did even without us being together back then." You say firmly. "But if we had been, I'd have come back to you."

"I'd have been terrified, darling." She confesses, voice soft. "I loved you so much, even then." Her lips quirk upwards slightly as she uses your very words. "The way I felt about you... I never would have risked you."

"So now's the perfect time?" You ask, pushing her into the mattress, your thumb caressing the skin of her stomach and pulling her sleep shirt off of her. "After I'd lied to you about Supergirl for years and your brother is actually out and playing at being a saint."

"King, Kara." She corrects, breath hitching as your fingers caress her rib, just below her breast, her own thumb brushing your cheek. "Lex could never play at being a saint. He's far too self-centered. He's playing at being a benevolent king. He's at least learned it's easier to move out in the light, easier to get away with evil when you're loved rather than feared."

"And you?" You kiss the side of her mouth, and then move up to her neck again, trailing featherlight kisses until you reach her earlobes giving it a light nip.

"Me?" She beathes out, voice rough, and her hands fist at your waist. "I'm yours."

"I can be better, Lena." You tell her, looking into her eyes. "I'll be better. I'll learn to share."

She pants, pulling you against her as her fingers trace tantalizing circles on your hip through your dress. "I'm perfectly satisfied being yours, darling. I don't need to be a saint, king, queen, savior. I don't need to be anyone else's anything."

"I don't think it's supposed to be like that, Lee." You tell her sadly, the ache in your chest swelling.

"No?" She says with a raise of her eyebrow. It's a silent and firm challenge and you swear you feel the air begin to crackle. And yes, you have super-speed and super-senses, but she flips you so quickly, so smoothly, so seamlessly, you think she might too. "Says who?"

"The whole world, I think." She's dragging the zipper of your dress down, her nails lightly but purposefully scratching against your skin and a moan escapes you.

There's a satisfied smirk on her lips as she drags the dress over your head, pushing it off the bed and onto the floor, her hands finding purchase at your waist, caressing your hipbone before she speaks again. "I think we give this world enough of us, don't you, darling? We do more for this world than 90% of its population will ever do in their lifetime. This world is filled with people, both good and bad, just trying their damned hardest to live their lives as best as they can. You stop the bad, and we try to give the good a place to live and be happy. I don't think the world gets to tell us what should and shouldn't be."

She lowers her head and presses a kiss to your hipbone and the heat from her mouth makes you tremble under her. You want to forget everything that's happened in the past few weeks, everything you've said and realized earlier today, everything you've been realizing from the very beginning but pushing down and denying. But you can't. Not tonight. And you don't want to anymore because it's Lena, she's Lena and she needs to know, she needs to see, you need to give her the chance to get out even if it'll shatter your very soul.

"It's not healthy, Lena. The way I love you. It's selfish and desperate. And it burns, it burns to think about ever being without you. I think I broke somewhere along the line. I like to think I wasn't always this broken, that maybe if I'd just told you as soon as I felt it, as soon as I saw you, maybe I wasn't as broken then, maybe that me could've been better. Maybe that me could have brought you light."

Lena has long since stopped moving against you, her eyes almost glowing with a low soft fire, so deep and serious, her jaw clenched in almost anger, but she remains silent. You breathe for a few seconds, trying to keep yourself in check. You have more to say, she knows. You know she knows and she is silent. She gives a soft but heavy sigh, her hands running through your hair, to provide you a bit of comfort, you think, maybe, to ground you, help you continue perhaps.

"It's not healthy." You say again. "You should have a love wrapped in light. Not someone who's constantly afraid of losing you, who can't live without you. What kind of toxic person even puts that on another person? That kind of pressure, that kind of burden. It would be maddening even for the strongest of people. Normal people have well-balanced, well-rounded, independent, healthy lives."

Her hands still, her eyes go dark, dark, dark, her whole body freezing. "Kara," she says firmly. "We are not them. We're not any of them. We will never be them. You wear a cape a fly around the world, not just the city, Kara, you fly around the world, saving people. You fly out and save people at the first sign of danger, at all hours of the day and night. You leave your job, jeopardizing your career, because you're a hero. You leave our home, our bed, to keep families safe and whole. And Kara, how are they going to be happy when they're not whole? We both know the sort of trauma caused by loss and grief. And every day you keep people from that fate. You don't just save their individual lives, darling. You save the lives of everyone who loves them. You save them from years and decades, a whole lifetime, of grief and loss. As long as their loved ones are alive, there's hope. There's hope and love and a life worth living. That's what you give them."

She's pulling you up, making you sit across from her and you try to keep distance between you two but you can't bear it. It's crazy but you can't, you have her still and you don't want to waste your chance, your moment, any of the minutes she lets you have her. So you give in, pulling her into your lap and she's quick to acquiesce, her legs and her arms encircling you.

"You're not normal." She breathes into you. "And I love you for who you are, everything you are. I have never asked you to be normal and I never will. You love me and I'm not normal, Kara. And I'm human. This is actually my planet and I still don't quite fit. I think I had it once, with my mother, for a time. I think I must have fit with her. But with the Luthor's... In a sense I did, on an intellectual level. But there wasn't warmth. It was always a game, a tug of sorts, a search, a move, a set. It was an acquisition, an ownership. It was all duels and manipulations. A constant fight to be better and stronger, to get to the top and be untouchable. And I never wanted that. It's something that's been drilled into me since I was four. Four. Now, who does that? I'm not normal, Kara. I'm the bastard daughter of who once was richest man on the planet before his death, the stepdaughter of a woman who has funded and worked with a terrorist agency to exterminate innocent alien populations, the sister of a psychopath who not only turned the sun red but managed to re-wire truth in the creation of this very universe. I may be of this earth but I'm not normal."

Her eyes have turned soft and she's pressing a kiss to your mouth and you let her breathe life into you. You'd do everything over just to have this moment with her again. Everything.

"I am not normal." She says again when she breaks away from you. "And you are not normal. And you are most certainly not toxic. Your love is not toxic. Our love is not toxic. It's not normal but it's not unhealthy or bad. No one who hasn't been through what you have, what we have, gets to say what our love should and shouldn't be like. Do you know what characterizes a good relationship, darling?"

You don't say anything, but you kiss her lips, her cheek, her neck. "Yes." She breathes as you press a kiss to her breast. "Love. A good, healthy relationship is characterized by love. It's ruled by mutual respect, trust, honesty, passion, and love. And Kara, no one has ever loved me the way you do. And I've never loved anyone the way I love you. You fill me with light, each and every heartbeat of every day, even when there's much of this world to fear, even when there's so much uncertainty and danger and pain. You fill me with light. And you make me so happy. The world doesn't get to tell us how to love, how to live, how to be."

Tears escape your eyes and she wipes them away, cradling your face tenderly in her hands. "You are the strongest person I know, Kara. As Kara Danvers, as Supergirl, as Kara Zor-El, as all of them, as you. You can break, darling, it's okay. I've got you, I promise, I've got you. I will be here when you need me to be, when you want me to be, and I will never ever let you go. You will never lose me. I will never let anyone take me from you. I am yours. Yours forever. You do not have to learn to share me, I've given myself to you, I've chosen you, and nothing will ever change that. I am yours. Just yours."

"Are you sure, Lena?" The question barely makes it past your lips before your chest is swelling and burning with the possibility of cold emptiness without her.

"Yours." She repeats. "I will always find my way back to you. When this world is steeped in chaos and we have to fight, know that I will always find my way back to you. You will never lose me."

"No," You clutch her tightly to you, feeling yourself break a little at the thought. "No, Lena, no. I can't... I can't... No."

She kisses your temple and pulls away to look into your eyes and they're soft, so very soft that it makes your whole being ache. You can't lose her. You can't. "It will happen. And it's okay to be afraid, darling. It's okay. I'm scared too. I'm fucking terrified, Kara. But it will happen and I need you to know you will not lose me. You will never lose me."

"I won't let you go." You say, panic bubbling in your chest once again. You're trying so hard but it's a dangerous world. It's a very very dangerous world with her brother in it and you know as she does that he'll fight to take her. But she's not his to take. She's yours. She's sworn and promised and vowed she's yours.

"But if you have to... Know that I'll make my way back to you. You and me, love. We're forever. Whatever breaks there may be in between."

"Please, Lena, no." Your body starts to tremble and she rubs your back trying to soothe you. "Anything. Anything but have to lose you. I can't. Not that. Anything but that."

"You can." She says firmly, her eyes still soft, gentle, a sea of deep beautiful green. "We can. We'll figure it out. We'll work on it. We'll do it together."

"Lena..." You breathe. "I…"

"You can," she says again, her hands on either side of your face. "Breathe with me, darling."

You do. You do because you trust her. You do because she's right. You do because if there's anyone that can make you brave, it's her. You do because you are.

"You're okay..." she says, kissing your temple. "You're okay. We'll be ready for all sorts of possibilities. Together. "

"I've already done it without you before, Lena. I did that. I lived that. But I don't want to do it without you anymore. Why does it have to be that?"

"It doesn't have to be. We just need to be ready for everything. And I want you to know you'll never lose me. Whatever happens, that's one that's not ever going to. Whatever he does, whatever anyone tries to do. They'll never manage to do that. We will always find our way back to each other."

You weave your hands into her hair and pull her into you, your lips hot and demanding against hers. She tastes faintly of cinnamon and mint, reminding you of apple pies and home home home, her mouth yielding to yours, letting you claim every inch of her. Your soul expands, positively floats at the trust and love she gives and you fall deeper, deeper, deeper.

"I love you." You tell her when you pull away. "With everything I am. The good, the bad, the gray, the crazy, the stupid, the strong and brave and confused and terrified. The rational and irrational, in chaos and order, in mirth and desperate desolation. I love you."

"And I love you." she tells you simply, softly.

"I can be strong." You tell her. "I can be brave."

"You are. You already are. Just because you are afraid doesn't mean you're not. We will rise now as we always have. We will conquer our fears and live in the world with light."

You hold her in your arms for many long minutes, the weight of the day finally leaving you with the deepening heaviness of the night. Lena is quiet in your arms, placing light kisses along your jaw, your neck, your temple, your hair.

You love her. Truly. Wholly. Completely. Irrefutably. Indubitably. Irrevocably. Incontrovertibly. You love Lena Luthor. Now and forever.

You think about the sheer gift holding her in your arms is, the beauty of life at coming home to her safe and comfortable and at peace in your bed. A gift. A blessing. From the suns, the stars, the galaxy. Lena, a gift. A gift of the most beautiful soul. You are full and grateful to share in her light, her passions, her life and love.

And you'll be strong. You'll be strong. Whatever happens you will always find your ways back to each other. She's promised. You'll promise too. Strong. Strong. Strong.

You'll focus on her. You'll focus on love. You'll focus on light.

You're brought out of your musings by the firm kiss she presses to your lips.

"You know what else characterizes a healthy loving relationship?" She asks with a wry smile.

"Mind-blowing sex?"

Her laughter is glorious and you watch even the heaviness of the night flow out and be replaced by light. You can fill her with light. You do fill her with light.

"Well, yes, of course, but I was going to say good communication, compromise and -"

You're suddenly struck by a thought. "Lena... Did you... dabble in psychology?"

She turns bright red. "I..." She stutters, "It might have been one of the courses I minored in?"

Your mouth splits into a wide smile. "One of? A soft science? Lena Luthor?"

And she's hiding her face in your neck, still red, so beautifully flushed and ridiculously embarrassed instead of proud of yet another accomplishment.

"What about the humanities?" You pry, you feel light. Light, light, light.

"No!" She groans.

"So if I say jouissance and defenseless nudity, esse, Dasein-"

"They would have disowned me." She mumbles into your neck.

You laugh and continue, "Ecce Homo and Zarathustra, the Grundlegung zur Metaphysik der Sitten and the Critique of Pure Reason-"

"It was light reading, okay!" She interrupts again, lifting her head and pouting at you.

"Light reading!"

"You are aware of what my IQ is, darling."

"Please at least tell me you didn't actually read it in German." Her response is a light chuckle, her eyes sparkling.

"Leeena..."

"I didn't read it in German, I promise."

She's biting her lip, face flushed, slightly embarrassed but happy. Very very happy. You kiss her then, surging towards her and laying her flat on the mattress, your body flush against her. "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met, Lena Luthor." You tell her hotly. "And I will do everything in my power to make you happy every day of our forever."

A/N: This is my absolute fave chapter so I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I do. Warmest regards to everyone!

Jen, thanks for the reviews!