A/N: I think this story exists in a time and dimension separately from our own, because honestly I can't believe it's been this long since I last published. For what it's worth I'm so sorry! I've always wanted to finish this story and it has always been in the back of my mind, but I think I just lost motivation and real life kept getting in the way. It's really hard to keep up momentum with a story when it's been this long, but I'm hoping by publishing I'll get that momentum going again and (finally) finish. I'm always surprised when I still get the occasional review even though it has been so long, but it's nice to know people are still reading this story. So for all of you guys that have stuck with me through many many years, here's the next chapter. I do have part of the next chapter written, so feel free to keep pestering me to write and hopefully I can finally finish this story! Let me know what you think! Your reviews are what motivate me to keep going. Enjoy!
Chapter 36
Éponine observed her surroundings with mild disinterest. She took a sip of the fruity drink someone had made her and cringed. Without the alcohol it tasted like cotton candy had thrown up in her mouth. She silently wished that she could pour some vodka into her drink, but that would have been impossible even if she wasn't extremely pregnant. Because this wasn't an ordinary bachelorette party. This was Cosette's bachelorette party. And that meant that instead of alcohol and strippers, they were having a tea party themed get-together at three in the afternoon on a Sunday. And she was therefore currently bored out of her mind.
It occurred to her that a few months ago this party would have been excruciating for her in an entirely different way. Pretending to care about the happy couple while secretly wanting to burst into tears whenever the Cosette and Marius' names were mentioned in the same sentence. She probably would have gotten very drunk and left early without telling anyone. Now that all seemed ridiculous, and the only reason Cosette's bachelorette party was unbearable was because she only knew two people here, one of them being the bride-to-be herself.
It was an interesting turnout to say the least. There were Cosette's friends from high school, a very loud group of girls that Éponine had no interest in going near let alone attempting small talk. There were some family members and older family friends of her father that Cosette had been too polite not to invite. And then there were at least 10 women who Éponine had never seen before in her life. And based on how awkwardly most of them were standing around the party, she wasn't sure Cosette had ever met them either.
At the moment Éponine was doing her best to blend in with the upholstery as she sank further into the couch. She usually found small talk excruciating, but trying to make small talk while pregnant was ten times worse than anything she had previously experienced. If one more middle-aged woman she had never met before tried to coo over her belly, she was going to hurt someone.
Luckily, no one had come over to her in a while. She wasn't sure if it was because of the pillow she was currently using to hide her bump, or if Cosette was purposely keeping the guests away from her. She suspected it was probably the latter, because when Cosette's very religious aunt had taken one look at her ring-less left hand and snidely asked her who the father was, Éponine had responded that there were, "about eight to ten possible candidates."
After that Cosette had promptly steered her shell-shocked aunt away from the hormonal pregnant lady. And now she was all alone. She gazed longingly at Musichetta, who was across the room, trapped in conversation with one of Cosette's high school friends. From the hand gestures Éponine suspected they were talking about shoes. Or global warming. It was hard to tell because her hands were moving so fast it didn't seem humanly possible. From the blank look on Musichetta's face Éponine suspected that she didn't know what they were talking about either. All she could really tell was that Musichetta was not coming back to visit her couch of solitude anytime soon.
She wished Enjolras was here. In fact she wished all the Amis were here. At her bachelorette party she would just invite them and no one else. Screw tradition.
Wait, where had that come from.
Éponine sank a little further into the couch. This wasn't the first time a wayward thought like that had sprung into her mind. About a week ago she had found herself aimlessly flipping through one of Cosette's bridal magazines and spending a little too much time analyzing the wedding dresses. And sometimes she caught herself daydreaming, images floating through her mind. A white dress. Enjolras in a tuxedo. The two of them pushing a stroller through the park.
She knew these thoughts were normal. They were probably thoughts that ordinary, well-adjusted people had all the time. And they really did make her happy. But her entire life had been about just trying to live in the present. Looking forward to the future and thinking of all the great things to come was new to her, foreign even. Sometimes she felt separated from reality when she thought about life and how well everything seemed to be going, like it was happening to someone else. And no matter how ecstatic she was, it was always undercut with a strange feeling of dread that she didn't fully understand. Like all of this happiness was temporary and fleeting. And she had no control over any of it.
She knew she should probably talk to Enjolras about what she was feeling. But what could she really say? You make me too happy, and I'm not used to it. It kind of freaks me out actually. How would he respond to that?
"Éponine, are you okay?"
She started and quickly turned to meet Cosette's kind gaze. She tried valiantly to school her features back into a normal human expression, but her insides were screaming with anxiety. The baby suddenly kicked restlessly as if it was anxious too.
"I'm fine," Éponine answered quickly. She thought she had put on a pretty convincing show, but Cosette raised one perfect eyebrow and inclined her head towards Éponine's crossed arms. She realized too late that the pointer finger of her left hand was tapping a steady rhythm on her right arm. Like the ticking of a clock. She quickly stopped herself.
"I've only seen you do that with your hands when you're really stressed or anxious," Cosette said kindly. Éponine looked down, more than a little embarrassed that her emotions could be read so clearly.
"I'm sorry," Cosette continued. "I know this party must be overwhelming for you. Especially because my relatives are so nosy. In truth, I only really threw this party to please them."
It did seem like a perfectly good excuse for why she was acting so strange, so Éponine just went along with it, nodding as if this was the cause of her distress. Then she felt like a horrible friend. Because this was Cosette's bachelorette party and she was making it all about herself.
"It's your wedding though Cosette. This is your night, it should be all about you. If you want I can pretend I'm going into labor and get everyone to leave," Éponine said with a smirk.
Cosette laughed. "That is tempting, but it might be hard to explain why you're still pregnant at the wedding."
"I could say they were Braxton-hicks contractions. Those are fake ones you can have sometimes leading up to the birth."
"But that would just bring you more attention from my relatives and I don't think you could handle that," Cosette said in a mock-serious voice.
Then her expression changed and her voice turned slightly wistful. "You know it's funny, but I don't really care much about the bachelorette party, or even if the wedding goes perfectly. I just want to be married to Marius. That's all I really want right now," she said with a shy smile.
They were so cute Éponine felt like she was going to vomit.
Cosette patted her knee. "You've been here for two hours. I think you put in your time.
"No Cosette, I really do want to be here," Éponine attempted in a reassuring voice.
Cosette placed a placating hand on Éponine's forearm. "No you don't. Even I don't really want to be here at this point. It means a lot to me that you've stuck it out for this long. And you'll be standing up there at my wedding in just a few days. I really mean it, you can go. Please, before you verbally accost another one of my relatives."
Éponine could tell by the twinkle in Cosette's eye that she was joking. She smiled. She wasn't sure when it had happened, but she suddenly realized that she counted Cosette among one of her closest friends. And she had the sudden urge to let her know. So she reached out her arms and pulled Cosette into a hug.
She wasn't sure what had gotten into her, maybe Cosette's cheerfulness could be contracted like a virus through skin to skin contact. Or maybe it was just the hormones. But when she pulled away Cosette had a huge smile on her face, and Éponine couldn't really find it in herself to regret her moment of sappiness.
Cosette's smile quickly turned into a look of panic. "Go now! Quickly! My cousin Margaret is coming over! She's a little baby crazy. Trust me, you do not want to meet her!"
Éponine didn't need to be told twice, especially when she turned around to leave and saw a young blonde woman heading towards her with arms outstretched, a slightly deranged look of glee plastered onto her otherwise pretty face as she stared at Éponine's baby bump.
She felt an even stronger sense of admiration for Cosette as she ran interference, intercepting her cousin so that Éponine could make a hasty escape. It was only as she finally reached the door handle to freedom that she realized she didn't have a ride home.
"Need a getaway driver?" whispered Musichetta, as she appeared suddenly to her right. Éponine looked over and saw that Cosette's high school friend was still gesticulating wildly in conversation, even though Musichetta had vacated the conversation seconds before.
"Quickly, before she realizes I'm gone!" Musichetta exclaimed, pushing her out the door. They hurried quickly through the parking lot, flinching at every sound as if one of Cosette's distant relatives was just waiting to pop out at them.
"Are we bad people?" Éponine asked once they were safely inside the car.
"We stayed there for two hours. I think that makes us saints! Plus boredom is bad for the baby. I read that somewhere." Musichetta mused, waving her left arm lazily as her right started the car. Éponine raised an eyebrow at her.
"Okay I made it up! But who says it isn't true? And I know for a fact that stress isn't good for the baby, and you can't tell me that boring-ass party with all those judgmental baby-bump grabbing strangers wasn't stressing you out just a little." Musichetta pointed out as she peeled out of the parking lot, perhaps taking her role as getaway driver a little too seriously.
"Right now, I'd say the only thing stressing me out is your driving."
"I'm just trying to get you home to your beloved," Musichetta singsonged in fairly terrible English accent.
Éponine felt her strange feeling from earlier return at Musichetta's comment. "You make it sound like we're getting married or something," she scoffed, instantly wincing at her strange tone. She wasn't really sure what compelled her to say it in the first place.
Musichetta was too busy trying not to kill them to notice the hint of panic in Éponine's voice.
"Well I hate to break it to you Éponine, but you're living together and having a baby, it sounds pretty serious to me," she said bluntly as she narrowly avoided side-swiping a mini van.
Éponine felt her heart start to race, even faster than when Musichetta had accidently barreled through that red light a few minutes before.
She was quiet the rest of the way, and barely even noticed when they pulled up to Enjolras' apartment building. Their apartment building.
"See, I told you we'd get here in one piece," Musichetta said softly, obviously mistaking Éponine's silence for terror at her driving skills. "And Joly's car is intact as well! It took me ages to convince him to let me take it to the party. And I'm sure he won't even notice that scratch since it's on the passenger side."
"Yeah, you're probably right…" Éponine said absentmindedly, knowing full well that Joly would look his car over top to bottom the minute Musichetta pulled into his driveway. It took her a moment to realize that she had been staring into space, and when she turned her head Musichetta was giving her a questioning look. It seemed that now that the adrenaline from the car ride was over, she was able to give her full attention to Éponines's odd mood.
Éponine knew she should probably give Musichetta some sort of reason for her somewhat antisocial behavior. But she was tired and her feet hurt. Plus she didn't even know what was wrong herself. It was probably just her hormones wreaking havoc again.
Luckily Musichetta didn't push it. She gave Éponine one more curious look before bidding her good night. Éponine gave her a tight smile in return and thanked her for the ride. Musichetta didn't look entirely satisfied, so Éponine left the car quickly before she could say anything else.
Just the walk from the elevator to the apartment was incredibly draining. She was looking forward to her nice, quiet apartment. And although she was still feeling strange, she would definitely not be adverse to one of Enjolras' famous foot rubs. She felt a strange sense of excitement and anxiety at the thought of seeing him.
When she finally turned her key in the lock and entered the apartment she was surprised that most of the lights were off and Enjolras was nowhere to be found. He wasn't on the couch or in the kitchen, and when she poked her head into the bedroom the bed was still neatly made (Enjolras' doing, not hers). She figured he had gone out somewhere and she felt disappointment swirl in her stomach. She lowered herself onto the couch, thinking about what TV show she should watch to distract herself when she heard a crash from Enjolras' study.
Éponine quickly jumped up off the couch and stalked over to the door. Now that she was closer she could hear muffled swearing. She didn't know why she hadn't even considered him being in there. Probably because they were in the very early stages of turning it into a nursery. And by early stages she meant it was entirely filled with boxes and neither one of them had made any attempt yet to sort out the mess. Just looking at that room gave her anxiety because of how much there was left to do.
She quietly pushed open the door and saw Enjolras sitting on the floor with his back to her. His legs were spread out in front of him and he was staring in rapt concentration at a pile of assorted bolts and screws spread out haphazardly in front of him. There was a very lopsided heap of wood that she assumed to be a partially built crib. The extra pieces were lying around the frame, as though the crib had been built and then just recently collapsed. Which was probably exactly what had happened, based on the loud crash.
Enjolras was muttering to himself, and seemed to be in too much of a trance to notice her presence. She walked up to him slowly and realized the muttering was a colorful range of insults directed at the crib. She let him continue for a moment, very much amused.
"I never thought I'd hear someone tell a crib they were going to set it on fire and roast marshmallows over it's burning corpse," Éponine mused. Enjolras jumped at her voice and whipped his head around. He blushed and turned back to his half finished monstrosity.
"I ran out of the ordinary curse words so I had to get creative."
"I would expect nothing less from you."
"Everything was going great. I had it practically all built," Enjolras huffed. "But then the stupid thing just fell apart. I swear I followed the instructions exactly. Did we get the wrong manual? I do have all these screws left. I thought they were extra but… I'm starting to think maybe not."
Éponine smiled as a realization hit her. "You've never not been good at something have you?"
Enjolras turned and looked at her quickly. "That's not true," he replied defensively. "I'm not very good at video games… or drinking… and I only got an A in calculus my senior year of high school because I did so much extra credit that my teacher was forced to give it to me against her better judgment. Those were her exact words."
"Okay, but have you ever not been good at something that you assumed you could do."
Enjolras opened his mouth to reply but closed it after a moment. "I can't think of anything right now."
He quickly steered the conversation back to the crib. He opened the instruction manual and frowned at it.
"Why is it all in pictures? There should be very detailed descriptions of every step, that way I would know exactly what to do."
Éponine almost laughed at the look of consternation on his face. She imagined this might be the face their child would make if they did not get their way.
"The only reason we had any furniture was IKEA and yard sales. I can build it," she said confidently, snatching the manual from Enjolras' hand and leafing through it.
"But you can't right now…" Enjolras' started with a clear glance at her stomach. He trailed off and looked at her anxiously. "Not that I'm implying that pregnant woman are incapable or…"
Éponine put up a hand to stop what she knew would turn into a long speech about women's rights and gender norms. "Normally I would be offended. But as I can barely bend over at the moment, I happen to agree that building a crib would be a little difficult in my current condition. So I can delegate to you. You'll just have to do everything I say," she said slyly, her mouth curving into a smirk.
"Something tells me you're going to enjoy that too much."
"I definitely will. But not tonight. I've had a really exhausting evening of pretending to not dislike Cosette's party guests. I don't think I did a very good job…" she cut off with a wince at the baby got in a good kick at her kidney.
Enjolras stood up quickly. "Was that a kick?" He quickly put his hand on her stomach a look of excitement on his face that began slowly fading as he waited.
"Sorry," Éponine said sympathetically. "I think that was just a one-off kick."
Enjolras looked extremely disappointed. "The baby book says that I should be able to feel it somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks. And it's been almost exactly 30 weeks! I swear the baby is toying with me. It's like it knows when I'm around and stops kicking."
"Maybe it just kicks when I'm anxious. And I'm not anxious around you."
She almost rolled her eyes at her own words. Where was all of this sincerity coming from today? Maybe it really was catching after being around Cosette for a couple of hours. But once again, her words seemed to have the desired affect. And Enjolras was smiling warmly at her. Then it turned into a smirk.
"Wanna get into an argument?"
"I don't think that will work," she said seriously, patting his shoulder as if in sympathy. "You'll just have to piss me off organically."
"I can probably do that," Enjolras replied. "Just give me a day or so."
As he started to walk through the doorway Éponine looked back at the "crib" with a smile on her face. She had a warm feeling that she couldn't really place. Like she was in the right place at the exact time. It felt like she was… home. For a split second that realization exhilarated her, and then it was as if an icy chill ran through her. For a moment it was completely silent, and all she could hear was the clock above the kitchen mantle. She looked down and her finger was tapping along on her arm. Tick tock.
"Are you okay?" Enjolras asked softly, his hand on her shoulder. Éponine almost jumped. She realized she must have been staring into space for a few moments.
"I'm fine," she said quickly. She added a smile when Enjolras looked skeptical, channeling that fuzzy feeling from a few moments ago. It seemed to do the trick for the most part. She even almost convinced herself.
She didn't realize what exactly was going on in her head, but it wasn't something she could figure out right now. So she decided to take her own advice to Enjolras and leave it until another time.
Over the next few days the feeling slowly faded away to the back of her mind. After all, repressing her emotions had always worked for her in the past.
With the preparation for Cosette's wedding she barely had time to think about it anyway. In fact, between work and school and trying to help with the wedding she barely had any time to think at all. She found herself silently resenting Cosette and Marius a little for having their wedding while they were still in school. They had planned it for the Saturday at the beginning of their spring break, but the actual preparation for the wedding was taking place during a week when everyone was still attending class and doing schoolwork. Even with all of the Amis on board, it was a lot.
"I'm happy for them," Musichetta grumbled one afternoon as hung up the Musain's phone after a heated argument with Cosette's florist. "But they couldn't have waited until the summer for their wedding?"
Éponine looked up from where she was finalizing the seating chart that Cosette had arranged. "You know Marius probably would have imploded if he had to spend those extra months not married to Cosette."
"I guess…" Musichetta grumbled. "I just never realized a wedding would be this much work! Especially when it's not my own. They're lucky this is a slow shift or I would have never been able to fix that lily/peony mix-up. How does a florist get those two flowers confused?"
Éponine smiled to herself, knowing that Musichetta was secretly enjoying being able to order everyone around. She looked down at the seating chart and saw that Cosette's nosy aunt from the bachelorette party was seated five tables away from her table. That seemed like enough space, but she was a little tempted to move her to the farthest corner of the room. The only thing that stopped her was the fact that the corner table was the kid's table. In a way that made her want to do it more, but she couldn't do that to the children. She wondered for a moment if Cosette had given her too much power.
The bell chimed above the door, but Éponine kept her eyes on the seating chart, hoping Musichetta would handle the new customer.
"Well, looks like you're off duty," Musichetta said pointedly, inclining her head towards the door where Enjolras had just walked in.
Éponine looked up in surprise and then turned back to Musichetta. "It's alright, there's still 15 minutes in my shift, I can stay."
"There's no one in here! Go, have fun!," Musichetta insisted.
"We're picking up tablecloths for the wedding, and then going to the tailor to get my bridesmaids dress and make sure that it still fits even though my stomach is bigger than previously predicted, and then we're picking up one of Cosette's cousins from the airport. So I don't think fun is the right word, but thank you," Éponine said with a smile, waving at Enjolras as she untied her apron.
"Ready for an exciting day of errands?" he asked as she walked over. He leaned down and gave her a quick kiss before opening the door for her.
"It will probably be one of the more boring days of our lives, but at least the company isn't half bad," she said with a wink.
Enjolras smiled, the slightest blush on his face. She took his outstretched hand as they started to walk.
"Was that a blush I saw just now?" she asked coyly.
"What? No, I don't blush," Enjolras huffed, avoiding her eyes.
"Sure, your face just spontaneously changed color for a moment with no explanation," she mused, raising both her eyebrows as they stopped at the crosswalk.
"It must have been a trick of the light."
Éponine scoffed. "What about all those other times I've seen you blush?
"Nope, I have never blushed, not once in my life. Maybe you need to get your eyes checked?" Enjolras said lightly as he pressed the button for the walk signal.
"Are going to really stick with this?"
"I don't see any proof?"
"Then I'll have to get photographic evidence next time," Éponine asserted.
"Since I don't blush, there will be no next time," Enjolras said with a grin as the walk signal came on.
It happened quickly, so quickly that the woman across the street walking her dog probably thought nothing had happened at all.
Enjolras was still smiling when he started to cross without a second thought, his head still half turned towards her. She couldn't blame him really, growing up in a nice neighborhood with safe drivers who allows stopped at red lights. She hadn't grown up in a place like that. In her old neighborhood, drivers often took red lights as more of a suggestion than a rule.
Which is why even though Enjolras' arm was lightly pulling her arm as he started to walk, his feet already touching the white lines of the crosswalk, Éponine planted her feet on instinct. She heard the car before he did, and yanked on his arm so hard that he almost fell as he stumbled back into her, just as a red blur skidded through the intersection, inches from where Enjolras would have been standing if he had taken another step.
Time had slowed down, and all Éponine could hear was her own heavy breathing. After a moment time seemed to speed back up to normal, but for her everything was as far from normal as it could get.
Enjolras was looking at her incredulously. "I think you just saved my life," he gasped at her with wide eyes.
Part of Éponine wanted to yell at him. About what an idiot he was. That looking both ways before crossing the street was something you learned in preschool. But even if he had been a bit careless, it wasn't his fault that the driver had run a red light after the walk sign had clearly told him to go. It was a situation that was mostly out of his control.
And all at once that feeling of dread returned. It bloomed in her stomach and then spread quickly like an infection, until she felt it in every part of her, body and soul. And this time it wasn't a ridiculous, baseless fear. In this moment it felt more real, and more possible than anything.
"Are you alright," Enjolras asked carefully, his hand on her stomach, obviously worried that he had hurt her by bumping into her. But he had only run into her shoulder, and in the excitement the baby was kicking so she knew it was okay.
"I'm fine," she said softly, and it was half true, if he was asking about her physical state. Enjolras kissed the top of her head reassuringly.
"I promise I'll be more careful," he said softly.
"I know you will," she mumbled. The walk signal turned on again and he looked both ways in a very exaggerated fashion before deeming it safe to cross. Éponine followed slowly, but her thoughts were in an alternate universe. One where his body was lying still in the middle of the intersection.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
Éponine just nodded.
Enjolras spent the rest of the day trying to cheer her up. And although it worked a little, it felt like she was going through the motions. Like she was strangely disconnected from herself. As if she was watching from a distance as her body tried on her dress, and floating somewhere outside the car as Enjolras attempted to make small talk with Cosette's very shy cousin.
Even ordering Enjolras around during his second attempt at building the crib wasn't as amusing as it usually would have been. But at least after about two hours and many mix ups between the correct bolts and screws, they finally had a finished crib that she was sure was stable and would not collapse beneath the baby.
Enjolras came to stand next to her as she gazed at the crib. He carefully placed an arm around her shoulder. "I know we still need to paint and a hundred other things… but do you feel a little better now?"
She did feel better about the nursery. But she couldn't say she felt better in general, not without it being a lie. So she just half-heartedly shrugged.
Enjolras was looking at her with concern in his eyes now. "I'm really sorry about today. I'll be more careful next time. It was a fluke, that person running the light right when we started walking."
Éponine felt her throat close up a little, feeling like if she opened her mouth she might cry, although she didn't really know why. She swallowed thickly.
"I know," she managed to whisper. But she didn't feel like she really knew anything at all.
When she woke up the next morning, Éponine felt a little better. Enjolras was right next to her. He was breathing. Everything was fine. At least that's what she would keep telling herself until she believed it.
She was not going to ruin Cosette's special day with her worries and fears, she was going to push them down and just be happy. It was that simple. She would make it that simple.
And so that's exactly what she did. She helped with the last minute preparations for the wedding as best she could, filling bag after bag with wedding favors. She broke up a fight between Jean Prouvaire and Joly over napkin folding techniques.
She laughed at all the right times during the speeches at the rehearsal dinner. She called Cosette's uncle a cab when he drank too much.
She helped Cosette do her hair before the ceremony, and ran interference when the flowers were almost delivered to the wrong church.
And by the time the actual ceremony began she truly wasn't thinking about her problems at all. Especially as she stood at the altar with the other bridemaids as Cosette's father walked her down the aisle. Marius looked so happy that Éponine was a little worried he would forget to breathe. She may have even shed a few tears during Cosette and Marius' vows, even if she would vehemently deny this if asked later. When Enjolras smiled at her as the newly married couple shared their first kiss, her smile back was genuine.
She did such a good job at faking it, that even she started to believe that she was fine. Until she wasn't.
She and Enjolras arrived at the reception as it was already in full swing, having stopped to help sort out a few last minute details at the church.
Éponine stepped out from inside the venue to the outdoor seating area and almost gasped. You would have never have guessed that Marius and Cosette hadn't hired a formal wedding planner. She wondered if maybe the Amis should start planning weddings as a side job to fund their many causes.
"It looks beautiful doesn't it?" Éponine commented, looking up at all the fairy lights the Amis had painstakingly hung. She had wanted to help but Cosette would barely let her lift a finger, let alone stand on a ladder.
"It does look great," Enjolras answered from her right. "There are a lot of guests here, though. I think our wedding would be a lot smaller," he said nonchalantly.
Éponine turned her head so quickly she felt like she might have whiplash. She watched as Enjolras' eyes widened with hers. And just like that, she wasn't fine anymore.
It started with a rush of elation, like a balloon being inflated within her chest. It grew bigger and bigger until it popped, and the dread rushed in to fill it's place. Suddenly, even though they were outside in the open air, it felt like walls were closing in on her. Her finger was tapping so quickly on her arm that it might as well be vibrating. Before she could even contemplate what her legs were doing, she was turning and walking back into the venue.
Her head was spinning, and at first her thoughts were jumbled and didn't make any sense. All she knew was that every fiber of her being was telling her to escape the situation. She kept walking until the sounds of the party died away, and ended up in a quiet hallway filled with spare chairs and folding tables. She sat down in one of the chairs and put her head in her hands.
In the silence, she finally let the thoughts slip into her mind, the ones that she had been avoiding for days, weeks maybe. It was a simple truth her mind had been trying to remind her of during every smile, every moment of laughter with Enjolras. The only thing her parents had ever really taught her about life: Nothing stays good for long. Eventually, everyone you love will leave you. Whether they want to or not.
She didn't have to look up to know Enjolras was there, that he had followed her in from outside. He wasn't touching her, and her head was still rushing too fast to hear his breathing, but she just knew that he was standing right there, waiting patiently for her to look up. She knew this was unfair to him, so she forced her neck to obey and peered up into his worried face.
Enjolras was clearly flustered, completely different than his usual calm and collected self. He bent down on one knee to reach her level. After a moment seemed to realize the significance of the motion and quickly dropped his other knee as well, knocking it loudly against the carpet. It was rare to see him being so clumsy, and in a different situation she might have laughed. Instead tears began to fill her eyes. Enjolras looked completely lost.
"I'm sorry, that was too soon. It just slipped out," he said softly, seeming to regain a little of his composure. "I didn't mean to freak you out," his soothing voice started to turn to panicked as more and more tears filled her eyes. "I'm fine with our relationship the way it is now. We don't need to change anything."
Éponine wiped at her eyes, annoyed at her tears and her inability to stop them from leaking out of her eyes. "It's not that. It's not that at all," she whispered.
"I do want this. All of this." She gestured around as if they were still outside at the wedding.
"Well, that's a good thing then isn't it?" Enjolras asked uncertainly.
"No, maybe… I don't know. I always wanted something like this but I never felt like it would really happen. I didn't expect it to. And now, what if I get it but it goes away?" she rambled quickly, aware that her words were just as jumbled as her thoughts. She barely even knew what she was talking about.
She wiped the tears from her eyes. She tried to put her feelings into words but found her voice getting faster and higher as she continued. "It's just… I feel like we're heading for something big … and what if everything goes right but also goes horribly wrong. I'm not Cosette, I don't deserve this…. any of this."
Enjolras just stared at her at a moment, obviously trying and failing to decipher her muddled thoughts. He opened his mouth a few times but no words came out, He finally settled on, "Éponine, take a deep breath."
He started breathing deeply in and out. She followed him, her thoughts becoming a little clearer with each breath. She felt a strange sense of déjà vu before it hit her. She narrowed her eyes.
"Did you just Lamaze class me?"
"Did it work?" he asked sheepishly.
"A little actually," she admitted.
Enjolras looked at her carefully. Then he stood up and pulled a chair over, positioning it next to hers. She was grateful that he hadn't tried to force their chairs to directly face each other. "Why don't you start over?" he said softly.
Éponine took a deep breath, and tried to order her thoughts in a way that made sense. "I'm not scared at the thought of settling down with you. I'm scared because I want to settle down with you."
Enjolras smiled slightly at her words and then frowned. His brow furrowed as he gazed calmly at her face. "Éponine, I'm sorry but I don't really understand." It was the expression he had on his face when he was trying and failing to solve a problem. It was the same look he had been wearing when attempting to put the crib together.
Éponine shifted in her seat, trying to figure out a way to articulate the feelings she had just figured out herself. She took a deep breath and turned her head, looking straight into his caring blue eyes.
"I know that you've always thought I was strong and independent. But I don't really see it that way. I was independent because I pushed everyone away from me, even people that were just trying to be my friend. And I was strong because I didn't really let myself feel anything. I think that's actually a pretty cowardly way to live." She paused for a moment. Enjolras looked like he badly wanted to interrupt and deny her words, but resisted the urge.
"The truth is after I had to give up my siblings… I never wanted to feel that powerless or out of control again. I stayed with Montparnasse for so long because I never really loved him. When he left me I wasn't upset. Honestly I didn't really care. I wanted Marius because it was a fantasy. He was unattainable. I could never have him, so I could never really lose him. When I imagined the two of us together it was sappy and unrealistic, like something out of a hallmark movie. All of the good moments and none of the bad. When I imagine our life together, it's not like that."
Enjolras' eyes flashed with hurt at her words, so she grabbed his hand and quickly continued. "What I mean is that I see everything. The good and the bad. I see us laughing, crying, smiling, arguing. I see moments of happiness and disappointment, boredom and excitement. I can imagine it all like it has already happened and I know it could be real, and it's terrifying."
Somewhere in the middle of her rant her throat had started to pinch closed, tears filling her eyes once again. Her cheeks started to turn red in embarrassment. Part of her wanted Enjolras to interrupt her, to console her. But he seemed to realize that she wasn't finished with her stream of consciousness, and he was sitting patiently, his eyes warm and open. She took a deep breath and continued.
"Over the years I've slowly been letting a few people creep back in… the Amis, Musichetta, Cosette, and above all you. I've… never felt the way I feel about anyone the way I feel about you. When you mentioned a wedding it didn't scare me. The truth is, I want all of that someday… with you. And I love you so much that I'm not even afraid to tell you that."
"But I've never had something like this. Something constant. Something that could last. I knew my parents were going to abandon me one day, the only question really was how and when. I loved my siblings but when I lost them I thought that they might not be in my life anymore, that they may be someone other family's forever."
The tears were streaming down her face now, and she didn't even try to stop them anymore.
"Every time I've really wanted something I've lost it. Somewhere along the way I learned to just stop wanting anything, and I wouldn't be disappointed. But I want a life with you. I want it more than I've wanted anything. But every time I let my guard down something happens. And I love you so much that it will be devastating."
"What are you afraid is going to happen?" Enjolras asked carefully.
"What if you get bored of me?" she asked quickly.
Enjolras just smiled. "Éponine I can honestly never see that happening,"
"What if I start annoying you? What if I chew my food too loudly? Or steal the covers at night. What if we grow up and start hating each other but feel obligated to stay with each other for the baby?"
Enjolras looked speechless for a moment. "I don't think I could ever hate you," he said with such sincerity that her heart skipped a beat and she almost forgot what she was going to say next. But she couldn't. Because her next fear was the biggest one. The real reason they were having this conversation.
"What if you leave?"
Enjolras immediately recoiled at the suggestion. "I would never leave you or our child Éponine. No matter what happens this is a shared responsibility. I will always be there."
And she knew that. She knew he wasn't like her father. He was good and he was dependable. But all she could see in her minds eye was sitting in that hospital waiting room after the riot. The absolute terror she felt when she wasn't sure if he was going to be okay. And she saw his face as he had crossed the street. His wide, unrestrained smile. How that could have been her last memory of him. And every last bit of the fear she had been holding back flooded through her once again. Only now she was sure where it came from. It came from the realization that all things end eventually. From a love that went so deep that it hurt.
"What if you didn't have a choice?" she whispered softly, her voice cracking.
Enjolras didn't seem surprised at her words, as if he had realized the direction in which her questions were leading. "Is this about the crosswalk?" he asked softly.
Éponine wiped at her eyes. "Yes. And no. It's about what has happened, like the crosswalk and the riot. But also all the things that could happen. I can't stop imagining all the possible ways in which this could go wrong. There could be an accident, you could get sick. And even if none of that happens, if we're talking about marriage… if we're talking about forever, than eventually one of us is going to have leave the other, no matter how far into the future that is. And maybe it's ridiculous to be worrying about these things now. But it's been a while since I've had something to lose. I don't think… I don't think I could handle that."
Enjolras was silent for a long moment. Éponine felt the heat of a blush form on her face. She knew her thoughts were morbid and ridiculous, and this was a conversation more suitable for a funeral than a wedding. She half expected Enjolras to sputter out false reassurances, or even laugh at her. That's probably what Montparnasse would have done. But when Enjolras finally looked up there was no trace of laughter; his eyes were serious and a little sad. He scooted his chair a little closer to her and took her hand, stopping it from the steady tapping that had started again. He stared at her fingers silently for a moment.
"You haven't had a lot of good in your life Éponine. Now that you do, I think you are realizing something that most people try to ignore. Love and pain always come together. When you love someone or something completely, you are allowing the inevitability of pain in your life. Because you're right, even a perfect relationship has to end eventually."
"Then why do we let people in at all?" she said it quietly, without thinking. She expected a flash of hurt to cross his face at her words, but it never came. Instead he just looked a little sad, his eyes understanding.
Enjolras studied her face for a moment. "When my mother died it was…" He paused and she saw something in his eyes shift, his mind lost in a memory. "I felt like nothing would ever be okay again. That life after she was gone would just be a pale imitation of those years when she was still there. I felt that way for a while." His voice shook slightly and he paused. She squeezed his hand in reassurance and he continued.
"Part of me will always hate my father for pushing my mother away near the end, but I understand why he did it. He couldn't bear to be near her when he knew that she was leaving soon. Sometimes I almost envied him, because maybe if I distanced myself too it would have hurt less. But he made a mistake. He should have been spending as much time with her as possible. All these years later, it still hurts when I think about her. But mostly I am just so grateful for the time we did have together, no matter how short it was."
Enjolras was looking at her intently now, his voice calm and clear. "You can't always decide how much time you get with the ones you love. But if you really love them, then it doesn't matter. In the end it will be devastating, but you'll feel grateful for every second you did get to spend with them. I can't erase your past, and I however much I want to I can't promise you the future, not with absolute certainty. But I can promise you right now. Because I love you. And even if I knew it was all going to end tomorrow, I wouldn't give back a single second of our time together. Because to me, what we have right now is worth any future pain. You are worth it to me."
Éponine felt fresh tears spring to her eyes with his words. She wanted to say something but her throat felt like it had closed in on itself. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him instead. Enjolras returned her hug tightly.
It was an awkward angle because they were sitting in separate chairs, and she had a watermelon protruding out of her stomach. But it felt perfect, being in his arms. "You're worth it to me too," she whispered in his ear once she regained her voice. She couldn't see his expression, but they were cheek to cheek and she felt the smile bloom across his face.
They stayed that way for a while. Éponine knew that Enjolras must be uncomfortable, with the way he was hunched over his back must have been killing him. But she knew that he wouldn't pull away until he was absolutely sure that she felt better. So as much as she didn't want to leave the comfort of his arms she pulled back slightly and took his hand instead.
Enjolras looked down at their intertwined fingers. "You know, this isn't really a conversation I thought we would need to have when we are in our twenties and in perfect health," he said with a grin.
"Yeah, well we haven't really been doing anything in the right order have we?" She answered with a raised eyebrow. She tried to smile but there was still one thing she wanted from him. One more thing she needed to hear.
"Just promise me that you won't take any unnecessary risks," she said softly, her tone deadly serious.
"I promise," he replied just as seriously, holding her gaze.
"Good," she said with a nod.
"But you have to promise too, no more fainting in the Musain."
"I promise." It was silent for a long moment. There was still a serious kind of tension hanging in the air, and she wanted to break it.
"So, that means I can still faint in places other than the Musain?" she asked tentatively. Her voice was still slightly shaking, and her delivery might not have been as deadpan as she was going for, but Enjolras ran with it without missing a beat.
"Ideally there would be no fainting at all. But if you do have to faint, I would prefer you would do it while sitting on a soft surface or lying down." He said seriously, his tone that of a doctor prescribing medication.
"Okay, next time I decide to faint, I'll be sure to lie down first," she said seriously, her voice steadier this time.
"That's really all I ask. I know that you enjoy fainting, but it really isn't advisable while you are pregnant." He stopped for a moment, resting his chin on his hands as if in serious thought. "Maybe you should take up another hobby instead, like knitting?"
She managed to stop the corners of her mouth from turning up into a smile, but just barely. "But I love unexpectedly losing consciousness so much. I've already given up drinking, and coffee, and now you want me to give this up too? It just feels like too much of a sacrifice."
Enjolras placed a hand on hers solemnly. "I've heard that having children is all about sacrifice. And just think, in a few months it will be over and you will be free to faint to your hearts content."
"Something to look forward to."
She watched as Enjolras struggled to come up with a line to continue their back and forth, but he seemed to be out of ideas. It had done the trick however, and the tension had seeped out of the room with their sarcasm.
She let out a congested sort of laugh, and then suddenly realized that she probably looked as gross as she felt after all of the tears. She wiped at her eyes and winced when her hand came back streaked with mascara.
"How much do I look like I was crying?"
"You look beautiful," he said so sincerely that she almost believed him, but she still pulled her compact out of her purse.
"Enjolras, I have raccoon eyes!" she gasped. Her face was all blotchy and she had multiple black mascara tear tracks running down her face.
"Yes you do, but you still look beautiful to me," he said earnestly. She scoffed but still felt a blush forming on her face. Those words coming out of anyone else's mouth would have seemed like such a line. But she knew Enjolras really meant them.
"That's sweet, but I still think I'm going to invest in some water-proof mascara for the remainder of this pregnancy. Can you help me find something to wipe this off my face?"
A few minutes and three napkins dug from the bottom of her purse later, Éponine decided she looked like she had only shed a few tears, which was normal at a wedding, and allowed Enjolras to lead her back to the reception. She was just started to feel like herself again when she saw something that made her cheeks flame bright red.
Right at the end of the hallway there was a bathroom. In her rush to reach some privacy she had led them to an area within definite hearing distance of one of the most heavily trafficked areas at the wedding reception. Before she could finish doing the math about just how many people had heard her near nervous breakdown, Enjolras pointed to the paper haphazardly taped to the door with the words "Out of Order" written crudely in large black letters.
"I'm sure people have been avoiding this area and using the other bathroom instead," he reassured her.
Éponine sighed in relief. "I know I shouldn't care what other people think but…"
"It was a private moment. For both of us," Enjolras said softly, with a knowing smile. He led her back out to the crowd. She noticed the Amis looking over at them covertly. Combeferre especially looking relieved to see them. She began to wonder about the out of order sign. But before she could speculate to Enjolras, Grantaire appeared seemingly out of thin air.
"May I have this dance?" he asked dramatically, bowing with his hand out stretched.
Éponine smiled. "You may," she replied in her best haughty voice.
"I'll go get us some drinks," Enjolras said softly in her ear as Grantaire pulled her to the dance floor.
"Yes, run along Enjolras. I'm going to charm your woman with my amazing dance moves," Grantaire called as Enjolras walked past them. Enjolras rolled his eyes at him with a smile as he headed towards the bar.
Grantaire grasped Éponine's hand tightly and pulled their joined hands stiffly up to the side, so they were doing a sort of strange tango. Éponine giggled as he pulled them through the crowd, practically bowling down a few people in the process. Then they started to do a sort of waltz. Éponine glanced down at their clasped hands and then back up at Grantaire's face.
"Is that black sharpie on your hand?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Grantaire replied smoothly, before spinning her away from him without warning. Éponine knew she should be mad at him for almost throwing her off balance at over seven months pregnant, but she found herself laughing instead. Grantaire had that effect on people.
"Thank you," Éponine said softly when he had spun them back together.
"I don't know what you are thanking me for, but if it's my sick dance moves you're welcome," he said in a strangely sincere tone.
"Even so, maybe someone should take the sign down now," Éponine said softly. The music turned to a fast beat, so naturally Grantaire pulled her close to start slow dancing as if they were at a prom.
"Or we could enjoy having our own private bathroom for the rest of the wedding," Grantaire whispered conspiratorially.
Éponine knew it was a little amoral, but had to admit the thought was tempting.
"Oh, so this is the father then," Éponine heard in a rather snotty tone to her left. She turned and saw Cosette's judgmental aunt from the bachelorette party.
Before Éponine even had a chance to formulate a response, Grantaire had stopped their dance and wrapped an arm around her. He put on the smile that almost exclusively led to some sort of mischief. She decided not to stop him.
"Actually, Éponine is my surrogate," he replied smoothly.
"Your surrogate? For you and… your wife?" Cosette's aunt asked cautiously.
"No, just for me," Grantaire responded brightly. "I woke up one day and I thought, wouldn't it be cool to have a kid? And Éponine said, 'I'll have a kid and then I'll give it to you!' And here we are!"
The woman opened and closed her mouth a few times, her eyes bouncing between the two of them, seemingly trying to decide if he was joking. Grantaire plastered on an even wider grin which Éponine mirrored. Finally giving up, Cosette's aunt muttered under her breath, "I have to go… check on… Cosette… excuse me," and promptly fled to the other side of the room.
"Enjoying yourself?" Enjolras asked with an amused grin as he returned with two drinks.
"Éponine," Grantaire said seriously. He turned towards her and took both of her hands in his. "I've thought long and hard about it and decided that a baby might cramp my lifestyle. So I'm sorry, but you and Enjolras are going to have to keep it. I know this must come as a shock to you, but don't worry I'll still let you name the baby after me, boy or girl."
Before either Éponine or Enjolras could respond, he bowed deeply, took both of the drinks in Enjolras' hands with a quick thank you and sped away.
Enjolras looked down at his empty hands "Just… why?" he asked pitifully as Grantaire waved at them from across the room where he was sitting with most of the Amis, the straws from both glasses in his mouth as he drank them at the same time.
"Well jokes on him, it's an open bar and those were both non-alcoholic," Enjolras whispered to her. She laughed, realizing that she finally felt like herself again after the past week of anxiety. She wrapped her arms around Enjolras and laid her head on his chest, swaying to the beat.
Unfortunately that's when the song decided to change to "YMCA". Éponine watched as other guests starting forming the obligatory arm motions.
"Can we just keep swaying off-beat?" Éponine mumbled from her spot on Enjolras' chest. "I want to keep dancing but I'm tired, and I don't think I could lift my hands above my head to form a Y right now."
"Sure, I'm pretty much always off-beat anyway."
"So we've found something else you're bad at?" Éponine mumbled from where she was pressed up against his chest.
"Yes, dancing and building cribs"
"And calculus?" Éponine added.
Enjolras let out a breathy laugh that she felt reverberate through his chest. "And calculus," he replied softly.
Éponine smiled, but it turned into a grimace as the baby kicked harder than it ever had before. She looked up and Enjolras was staring at her in shock, his face white.
"I'm fine, the baby just kicked really hard."
"Yeah… I felt it,"
"You did?"
"Yeah..." He was staring at her stomach incredulously as he carefully placed his hand on top of it, as if just realizing there was a future person in there. He smiled up at her, his expression completely unguarded, and she felt her heart swoop.
For a moment, it was like they were in a bubble that no sound or sight could penetrate. But then Éponine looked around and started to laugh, and she couldn't seem to stop.
"What is it?" Enjolras asked incredulously, his wide smile still elated but his eyes confused at her strange behavior.
"It's just, this is such an pivotal moment, and we're surrounded by…" she trailed off as she gestured around them. She wasn't really sure how to put Cosette's weird relatives all dancing to YMCA slightly out of sync into words.
Enjolras chuckled. "Yeah, that is an… interesting sight."
"Maybe the baby is dancing along and that's why it kicked me," Éponine mused.
"Or maybe the baby is kicking you in protest," Enjolras shot back immediately.
Éponine couldn't help but let out a peal of laughter. Enjolras smiled at her endearingly. He seemed proud of himself for making her laugh. She almost teased him about it, but decided against it. With the way she had been feeling earlier, cheering her up to the point of laughter really was an accomplishment.
So instead she just leaned her head against Enjolras' chest, a smile still on her face as she listened to his steady heartbeat. Enjolras kept one hand on her back, one on her stomach. Obviously hoping the baby would kick again.
She didn't know what the future would bring. And she knew that paralyzing fear of losing loved ones wouldn't just disappear. But for now she felt safe in Enjolras' arms, and he felt safe in hers. And in this moment, it was more than enough.