2016
The whirlwind of Friday and Saturday had left Aria yearning for a relaxing Sunday before the work week started again; and when she woke up that morning in her bed wrapped in Ezra's arms, she figured she was off to a pretty good start. However, as she went about her morning routine – showering, making breakfast and putting her makeup on- she couldn't help but to notice the words her mother had spoken to her at lunch the day before ringing in her ears. "It just doesn't sound like you have Sophie's best interest at heart."
Aria knew that Ella meant well. She didn't want to see her daughter or granddaughter get hurt by the same man who had hurt them years ago. But Ezra was different now. They were different now. They had grown apart, but fate brought them back together – and if that wasn't a sign that they were meant to be, Aria didn't know what was.
But still, Aria couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she was rushing into things. She'd always told Sophie that she would ask for her approval before bringing a man into their lives, but instead of keeping that promise, Aria had dumped Ezra onto her daughter and allowed him to move in without so much as a second thought. Now, two days after agreeing to marry him and one day away from shopping for a ring, Aria was beginning to wonder if her decisions were selfish. Aria didn't even know how Sophie truly felt about the whole thing. Her emotions had been so hot and cold and Aria had just brushed them off because she was eager to become a whole family. Was bringing Ezra into Sophie's life so quickly really in her daughter's best interest?
She and Ezra had discussed therapy. They'd even discussed it with Sophie. She seemed apprehensive to the whole idea, but Aria knew it was what she needed. Although no amount of therapy would help Sophie if she was forced to continue living in a situation that made her angry or uncomfortable. No amount of therapy could fix the speed at which Ezra entered Sophie's life. Sure, she'd loved him before she knew he was her father, but now she couldn't even laugh at his jokes without wrestling with emotions of betrayal afterwards. Aria had once figured that because Sophie was a child that she would eventually come around. However, Ella hadn't been so sure and now Aria was beginning to think that maybe her mother was on to something.
Aria hadn't discussed her feelings with Ezra. She didn't want another influence clouding her own thoughts. It had been Aria and Sophie against the world for eight years. Aria had made all of the decisions regarding her daughter and made sure to put her daughter first until Ezra popped back into her life. She knew she needed to find a balance. She needed to find clarity. But she had to do so on her own. Yes, Sophie was Ezra's daughter and yes, he was about to be Aria's husband…but Sophie was more of Aria's daughter and legally, Aria was still single. This was her responsibility to sort out.
The family of three had eaten dinner together on Saturday night. During their meal, Aria had watched the way that Sophie interacted with Ezra the entire time. She would smile at him. She spoke to him. She listened to him when he asked if she would pass him the salt. But still, Aria detected some uneasiness in her child. Perhaps Sophie was being nice because she thought she was supposed to be, not because she really wanted to. That thought killed Aria. Before this was Ezra's home, it was Sophie's. She shouldn't feel uncomfortable in her own house.
Ezra seemed completely oblivious to Sophie's behavior, though Aria couldn't blame him. He didn't know her as well as she did. He'd only been around for a few months. He didn't know all of Sophie's ticks. He couldn't even tell when she was lying. Aria could and Aria did. So when Ezra mentioned how happy he was that he and Sophie seemed to be getting along again as the two unmade their bed before going to sleep, Aria knew that she had to do something about their situation. And that something couldn't involve Ezra.
That realization mixed with all of her thoughts of doubt were what brought her and Sophie to a nail salon just down the street from their apartment complex for a "girl's day." The idea had been Aria's, and when Sophie announced how happy she was that it was "just the two of them again," her idea proved to be a good one.
"I think I'm going to do hot pink," Sophie plucked a polish from the wall that matched the description she had just given.
Aria tore her eyes away from the same wall to acknowledge her daughter's decision. "That's going to look great, Soph!"
"What color are you going to get?" The little girl skipped over to Aria's side and hugged her arm tight.
Aria smiled. As much as she loved Ezra, absolutely nothing could compare to the love she had for her child. She was doing the right thing today and hopefully Sophie would be alright.
"I don't know yet," Aria dramatically tapped her lip with her free hand as if she were in deep thought. "What color do you think would look good?"
Instantly, Sophie's face lit up. She had a plan. "Could we get matching polish?" She looked up her mother with those big blue eyes and probably the biggest smile Aria had seen on her face in weeks. How could she possibly say no?
"I think that's a great idea," Aria nodded excitedly. Although she hadn't gotten her toes pained hot pink since she was 12 years old, absolutely nothing was going to stop her from matching her daughter upon her request. Even despite the circumstances, Aria was well aware of the fact that Sophie would only be asking to match her mother for a few more years. She had to take advantage of it while she still could.
The two girls were escorted over to two large massage chairs with hot water drawn for their feet and met with nail techs that seemed overly interested in getting to know them.
"Is this your sister?" Aria's tech asked, flashing Sophie a smile as she did so.
Aria laughed. She used to get asked that question all of the time when Sophie was little. It wasn't until the stress of being a mom finally set into Aria's skin around the age of 22 that people stopped incorrectly assuming their relation. In a way, it felt nice to be asked that again. It felt just like old times.
"No," Aria shook her head. "That's my daughter."
The two techs exchanged surprised looks, yet another thing that Aria had once been used to. She was so young and Sophie was so old.
"You look so young!" Her tech exclaimed. "You've got good genes." She said this more to Sophie than to Aria, though it was directed towards her.
Aria giggled to herself and nodded. It was no use to explain their situation. She'd only explained herself a million times in the past to strangers. Now, it felt pointless. She wasn't looking to make friends with these women. No sense in rehashing her struggles. Sophie, however, had other ideas.
"She is young," Sophie chirped. "She had me when she was 18."
The innocence in Sophie's voice told Aria that she hadn't made the comment out of spite. In fact, Sophie almost sounded proud as if she liked the fact that she and her mother were so close in age.
"Oh wow," Sophie's tech gasped. "Good mom!" She affirmed with a head nod, sending a wave of relief through Aria. They weren't going to judge her. Instead, they recognized Aria's hardships and commended her on choosing to raise her daughter through it all.
Aria was about to say thank you when Sophie spoke up once more. "She raised me without my dad," Aria's stomach plummeted. "It was just the two of us for awhile," Sophie looked over at her paling mother and grinned. "She's my best friend."
Had Sophie told Aria this in private, she would have cried. It was the cherry on top of the emotional cake that Aria had been feeling since Saturday afternoon. There was nothing wrong with loving Ezra, but putting her relationship with Sophie on the backburner had been a mistake. Though, it didn't seem as if Sophie even recognized that. She still saw Aria as her best friend. Her teammate in life. And Aria would be damned if she let anyone come between them, even if they meant well.
The two techs cooed in response and Aria reached her hand across the chairs, signaling for Sophie to grab ahold of her. When she did, Aria squeezed her hand tight and mouthed the words, "I love you." Sophie beamed and mouthed back, "I love you too."
About an hour later, Aria and Sophie were walking out of the nail salon with their hot pink toes sticking out of the foam flip flops that they were given. Both girls felt pampered and relaxed. They were enjoying themselves and Aria wasn't about to let their girls' day end so soon.
As they climbed into the car, Aria asked, "Where do you want to go for lunch?"
Sophie contemplated her options as she buckled herself into her seat. Aria hoped that she would pick a sit-down restaurant over a fast food place, but chose not to voice her opinion. She wanted Sophie to be happy, but she also wanted to have a serious conversation with her daughter and it might be a little awkward if it had to happen at a McDonald's.
"I think I want pancakes," Sophie thought aloud.
"It's noon, Soph," Aria laughed softly.
"I know," Sophie shrugged. "I still want pancakes."
Aria rolled her eyes with a smile on her face. That little girl was just like her through and through. Stubborn. When she put her mind to something, she was going to get it, no matter who was against her. "So iHop?" Aria looked into her rearview mirror to gauge Sophie's reaction.
"Yes!" She cheered.
"Your wish is my command, sweet girl," Aria nodded as she put her car in drive and headed toward their new destination.
Once the girls were seated, Aria began conjuring up ways to bring up the topics that she wanted to discuss. There really wasn't an easy way to approach the subjects, but she didn't feel that it would be right to just rip the Band-Aid off and tell Sophie about Ezra's proposal. She needed to ease her into the idea. She needed to test the waters.
"So," Aria started, watching as her daughter read the menu with a determined look on her face. "What are you going to get?"
Aria inwardly cursed herself. That wasn't the question that she meant to ask. But seeing how she hadn't had real alone time with Sophie in weeks, she felt like she'd almost forgotten how to broach serious topics with the little girl.
"Two chocolate chip pancakes with a side of bacon," Sophie set the menu down. In that moment, Aria knew that Sophie hadn't been reading the menu at all like she thought. She knew what she was getting the minute she decided that she wanted pancakes. She just liked to put on a show. Once again, she was dramatic, just like Aria.
"Sounds delicious," Aria affirmed.
"What about you, mommy?" Sophie used a term of endearment that she hadn't in awhile. Aria felt a pang in her chest. Sophie really had missed her one on one time with her mother.
"Um," Aria glanced at the menu. She really wasn't all that hungry. The impending heavy topics that she needed to cover had even her stomach distracted. "I think I'm just going to get an omelet."
Sophie nodded, but didn't ask any follow up questions. This was Aria's chance to redirect the conversation.
She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. Here we go. "Soph?" She asked calmly, willing her daughter to look at her in the eyes. Sophie did and Aria continued. "Can we have a big girl conversation? There's some things we need to talk about."
Sophie's demeanor shifted almost instantaneously. She went from bubbly and happy to timid and anxious, and her face gave away her feelings of fear. Either she had no idea what Aria wanted to talk about or she knew exactly what was about to be said.
"Do you know what this is about?" Aria spoke softly, trying her best not to scare her child any more than she already was.
"Is it…" Sophie trailed off, her eyes looking everywhere but her mother. "Is it about Ezra?"
Aria sighed, "Yes. Yes, it is."
"Is he leaving us?" Sophie picked at a loose thread on her shirt. Her voice sounded broken and it broke Aria's heart.
"No," Aria shook her head. "He isn't…unless…" It was Aria's turn to trail off. No part of her wanted to finish her sentence because no part of her wanted to imagine it happening.
"Unless what?" Sophie's eyes landed back on Aria and her eyebrows formed a scowl as they did so.
"Unless you don't want him around anymore," Aria cringed as she spoke. That was the last thing that Aria wanted, but she knew that this wasn't about her. It was about the well-being of her daughter.
"Why wouldn't I want him around?" Sophie continued to scowl. "Ezra's my dad."
A soft smile formed on Aria's lips. It was small, but Sophie referring to Ezra as her dad gave her hope. "I know he is, but I also know that you haven't been the same Sophie since you found out," She paused to give her tiny twin a look of sympathy. "And if Ezra being around makes you upset or uncomfortable, then I think we should reevaluate our situation."
Sophie shook her head rapidly, surprising Aria. "No, I don't want to reevaluate." Aria raised an eyebrow. "He already missed out on most of my life. I want him there for the rest of it. All of my friends have dads and I didn't for a long time. Now I do and I don't want that to change!" Once again, it sounded like Sophie's voice was breaking. She was passionate about keeping Ezra around.
Though Aria was still confused about Sophie's mood swings around her father, her answer had made sense. Sophie was eight years old – almost nine. She wanted what every kid at that age wants. She wanted to fit in.
All of her friends had dads in their lives. These dads showed up to their soccer games, picked them up from school, spoke at career days and so much more. Her friends got to celebrate Father's Day. They got cards and presents from their fathers on birthdays and Christmases. They got to attend Daddy/Daughter dances and received a Valentine every year from their old man. Sophie missed out on all of that. And no matter how good of a mom Aria was or how hard she tried to give her daughter everything that she needed, she had never been able to give Sophie those things. Ezra could do that. Ezra would do that.
"Okay," Aria bit her lip. "He isn't going to go anywhere then. I just wanted to make sure that, between us girls, you were okay with him being around." Sophie nodded with relief on her features. "But if that ever changes, I want you to let me know. Okay?"
"Okay," Sophie shrugged.
"But now I need you to explain something to me," Aria drove the conversation deeper. Sophie cocked her head to one side. "You haven't been the same bubbly little girl that I know for weeks now. I thought it was because of Ezra, but you're telling me that it's not. So what's going on?"
Sophie hung her head. Clearly she had an answer to her mother's question, she just didn't want to say it. In the pit of her stomach, Aria felt the answer form and it made her sick. If Sophie's answer aligned with her guess, she would never forgive herself.
"It's not because of Ezra," Sophie muttered. "It's because of you."
Aria let her eyes flutter shut as bile rose in her throat. There it was. She had let her daughter down. She had been blinded by love. She had been selfish. She wouldn't blame Sophie if she never got over it.
"We used to spend so much time together," Sophie continued. "Now, I feel like I'm always at grandmas so that you and Ezra can have alone time. Or if we're all home, you're snuggled up with him on the couch instead of me."
Sophie's voice was small. She was clearly uncomfortable telling her mother how hurt she had been by her, but Aria needed to hear it. Her heart shattered with every word out of Sophie's mouth. Tears welled up in her eyes as she hung her head to avoid letting her daughter see her cry.
"I get moody around Ezra because even though I really like him, he takes you away from me," Sophie finished, voice still low.
Aria sniffed, "I am...so…sorry." She spoke slow, afraid that if she spoke too quickly, her voice would betray her.
"It's okay," Sophie said because that's what kids are trained to say when someone apologizes. She didn't mean it and Aria knew that.
"No, it's not," Aria shook her head. "It's not okay at all." She brought her head up to look her child in the eyes. "I am supposed to be better than that. I am your mother first. I am not someone's girlfriend, fiancé or wife. I am a mom. I should always put you first and I failed you. I let a man take my focus off of you and I will regret that every day for the rest of my life because you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, not Ezra. You. And it's not okay that I let him come between us."
A few tears had fallen as Aria spoke, but even more tears fell as she watched Sophie move from her side of the booth to be next to her mother. She wrapped her arms around her crying mom and snuggled in close to her side. Half out of instinct and half out of pure love, Aria draped her arms around the little girl and squeezed her as close to her body as she could. They remained like that for a minute or two until Sophie broke the bond to look up to her mother.
"You're a good mom," Sophie placed a kiss on Aria's shoulder. "I just wish that we could spend more time together, just the two of us, like we used to. Like today," Sophie smiled slightly. "I like today."
"Me too," Aria kissed the top of her head and inhaled the scent of her hair. If she tried hard enough, she could still pick up on the same smells Sophie's hair had as an infant – back when it was just Aria and Sophie against the world. As happy as Aria was to have Ezra back in her life, sometimes she wished that she could go back to those days.
"How about this?" Aria sat back a little bit to look Sophie in the face. "What if we set aside a couple of days a month and designate those days as 'Mommy/Sophie' days? We can hang out, just the two of us, with no interruptions from your father. And we can do whatever you want…within reason." Aria added that last part with a small giggle. Her daughter had a wild imagination. She had to make sure that she reigned it in a bit with some guidelines.
Sophie grinned, "That would be awesome!"
"Yeah?" A fresh set of tears fell from Aria's eyes. Children forgive so easily and are pleased by the smallest things. She was grateful, but she also felt undeserving. Sophie should hate her, but she couldn't. Aria was her mom and she loved her. "You like that?"
"Uh huh!" Sophie leaned in to give her another big hug. "Those days are gonna be so fun!"
"They're gonna be the best," Aria confirmed.
"But can we also have family days?' Sophie raised her eyebrows with hope. "I don't want Ezra to feel left out!"
Aria's heart swelled. Sophie's child-like innocence and love was the most incredible things to witness. It was official; her daughter was her role model. She wanted to be as forgiving and loving as Sophie when she grew up.
"Of course," Aria couldn't help but to smile. "I'm sure your dad would love that."
With that, Sophie nodded eagerly and returned back to her side of the booth just in time for their waitress to come take their order.
As Sophie spoke to the woman in the iHop uniform, Aria couldn't stop herself from staring. Never in a million years did 18-year-old Aria think she would learn so much from the baby growing in her belly. And never in a million years did she think that she would one day be back with her baby daddy and fall madly in love all over again. Life was finally turning out the way she had always wanted it for so long. She was happy, Ezra was happy and most importantly, Sophie was happy. Maybe life was finally done throwing her curve balls.
But then again…
"Mom, are you and Ezra ever going to get married?"
Maybe it wasn't.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I have mapped out the final chapters of this story. It will be 46 chapters in total, including an epilogue, which is already written. I am super motivated to finally finish this journey! Believe me when I say that this is something I've thought about since I abandoned this story three years ago. It feels good to be in the home stretch!
Please leave a review! It lets me know that people are still here reading, which is always a plus!
I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! Until next time…
-Erin xoxo