Chapter 49. From Way Across the Sea

Mark sends a group text to Derek, Meredith, Savvy, and Weiss when he and Addison get back to the house, essentially asking which friend is the responsible, on-duty one at the moment. He assumes they are all together, but he honestly wouldn't blame any of them if there are ongoing rock-paper-scissors battles to determine who is in charge of keeping Henry alive and ensuring the Trio isn't causing too much destruction.

He chuckles when a response arrives from Savvy: Mostly Emily. We're all here though. Give me a few secs to bring Kate to a quieter room. H is sleeping.

"Hey," Mark says when Addison comes into the living room with a glass of water for each of them. "Ready when you are. So is Kate. Henry is sleeping, but we can try again later. Everyone is at the house, but there have been some implications made that Emily is the most responsible one there."

"That kind of makes sense to me."

Mark frowns with concern when Addison sits down at the other end of the couch, too far away to share a screen with him. "Oh. Addie, if you don't want…do you not feel ready? It's okay if you're not, but -"

"No, I'm ready," she answers quickly. "But I'll stay over here until…it's probably better if you talk to Kate first, and if she asks about me and wants to talk to me, I'll jump in. I don't want her to feel like she has to talk to me though. Not after, you know – the yelling. And when I was saying goodbye to her yesterday, she was trying not to cry and she couldn't look at me."

"Addison…"

"It's okay, really." Addison feels bad for the look of sadness that has floated over Mark's features, but she is adamant about this. "Even if Kate doesn't want to say hi, it'll be nice to hear her voice." She gives another firm nod and Mark touches the appropriate icon to start up a FaceTime call. They know Addison's last statement is a lie, of course; she will be gutted if Kate doesn't want to say hi to her. But if that's the case, Addison decides, you deserve it.

"Daddy!" Kate squeals into the phone. Mark sees Savvy behind Kate in the dining room, just for a moment to make sure the little girl knows what she's doing (she does), and then the blonde moves out of the background.

"Hi, Katiebee. How -"

"Is Mommy asleep?" Kate interrupts.

"No, she's awake. She just went to grab a glass of water." Mark's eyes briefly flicker over to his wife. "Do you want to say hi?" He smiles happily when Kate gives him a nod so vigorous that her shoulders bounce. Mark curls his fingers, motioning for Addison to join him.

"Hi Kate," Addison says when she sits down next to Mark and sees her beautiful daughter's face come into focus. She nearly cries at the genuine sweetness in Kate's expression – she's happy to see me, Addison thinks – but she is somehow able to keep it together. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, Mommy. Do you see my hair?" Kate twists awkwardly while holding the phone at several different angles, trying to show off the French braid twisted on the side of her head that streams back to a ponytail. "Meredith did it for me. Just like the braids you do sometimes."

"I do see it. It looks so pretty, Kate. So how -"

"Are you better yet, Mommy?"

"I'm…I'm getting better, Kate. I'm not all the way better, but I'm getting better. And when we come back, I – I promise I'll spend more time with you and we'll read lots of books and…" Addison can feel herself becoming emotional, but Kate hasn't noticed. Kate isn't even looking at her anymore, and this does make Addison grin and nudge Mark. Their daughter is thoughtful, but she is also five. She can only FaceTime for so long, especially when playmates are two rooms over. "Hey, Kate? What are you and the twins playing?" Addison asks. Her daughter looks back.

"Building stuff with Magna-Tiles. We made a castle. And I made a butterfly. Derek is trying to make a robot." Kate lowers her voice. "But it does not look very good."

"Tell Derek to send me a picture of the robot so I can see how it turns out." Mark smirks. It can't possibly be that hard to build one out of magnetic tiles. He will be trying this sometime. "Well, I know you want to go back and play with your friends…"

Kate beams in agreement. "And eat lunch! Aunt Savvy is gonna make us all grilled cheese."

"That sounds great." Mark gives Addison a look that clearly states, let's have grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. "So Mommy and I will call again before bedtime. And we'll try to call when Henry is awake so we can see him and say hi."

"Will Mommy talk to Henry, too?" Kate asks.

"Of course," Mark responds. "We're both going to talk with you and Henry. But you for longer, since you know how to talk back."

Kate tilts her head to the side. "But…Mommy doesn't like Henry."

These words, as much as Addison does not really care for clichés, take her breath away. It is not said unkindly or accusingly. It is really no different than Kate saying that she doesn't like the color orange. Or "plain" Cheerios. It is just an honest statement from a child who has no way of knowing how absolutely devastating this was for her mother to hear.

"That's not true, Kate," Mark says quickly, trying to keep his voice calm and friendly. "Your mom likes Henry. She likes him just like how she likes you."

"Oh," Kate answers, unfazed by the direction of the conversation. "Wait. Daddy, where did Mommy go?"

Mark swallows heavily. He tried to hook his arm around his wife as soon as the words were out of Kate's mouth, but Addison practically catapulted to the other side of the couch. He steals a quick glance at her before answering. Addison has pulled her legs up and is resting her forehead against her knees. She is whimpering quietly, trying her best to not cry and scream and rip her hair out – which is all she truly wants to do – while Kate is still on the phone.

"Um. Someone just came to the door," Mark says to Kate. "She went to answer it."

His daughter smiles. "I bet it's Old Kate. Can you tell her Young Kate says hi?"

"Yeah, we'll say hi to Old Kate and Steve for you," Mark forces a smile. There is a couple in their early sixties two doors down, and the wife's name is Kate. Mark and Addison were horrified the first time they heard their daughter shout "Hi, Old Kate!" when the Brennans were walking past them on the beach, but "Old" Kate Brennan assured them the nicknames were her idea. "And we'll call you again before bed. I love you, buddy. And Henry. And so does Mommy." Mark waits until Kate finds the right button and ends the call.

"Mark." Addison lifts her head and blinks sadly at him, eyes still overflowing with tears. "Oh, Mark…"

He hastily moves to her side of the couch to pull her trembling form in for a hug. "Addison, she…she didn't mean it."

"She did mean it." Addison starts to cry forcefully into his shoulder. "Not meanly. That's just what Kate thinks. And I get it. I get why she thinks that."

"Kate's only five. Well, six next month – she'd kill me if she heard me say she's only five. But, Addie…she doesn't understand how complex this is. You like your son. You love him. And Kate will be able to see that at some point."

"I don't…" Addison begins, having to pause to catch her breath when another croaky sob flutters past her lips. "I don't w-want to be on the second floor."

"Oh." Mark's chin is on top of her head now, so he does not feel the need to mask the look of pure confusion settling on his face. "Okay. That's fine. We can stay down here."

"No." She arches back to look at him, sniffling as she explains. "In Kate's dollhouse. Before we left I went into her room to say goodbye, and she was playing with her dollhouse. The daddy, daughter, and baby were downstairs, and the mommy character – me – was upstairs in bed. I want…I want to be on the first floor with you guys. I don't want to be on the second floor."

Mark cups her cheek, feeling the tears clinging to her skin mist his palm. "Addie, you will be. You'll be on the first floor with us."

She droops back onto his chest. "I love my son. I love him because mothers love their children, but I haven't bonded with him. Because bonding with him…that would imply that I like him and I like spending time with him."

"The bonding is going to happen. But it's hard to bond with a kid who is entirely dependent on you when you're feeling this badly. You already like and love him though. I know you do. It's just really hard to demonstrate that when you're hurting this much."

Addison rubs at her eyes, lashes now dampened and split in triangles. "That first week, when we brought Henry home…I was tired and sore and emotional, but things were good. They were good. And then things just stopped being good. All I know is that one morning I woke up and I wasn't the same person I was when I went to sleep the night before. I feel like I'm drowning, Mark. My brain is broken and I'm drowning."

"Addison…I know you're in pain, honey." Mark rocks her gently in his arms, letting her work through the frustration and sadness continuing to bubble out in tears and jerky shudders. "But I'm not going to let you sink or drown. We're going to keep your head above water."

-

It wasn't necessarily a mistake to let Addison nap for so long – she needed to sleep. She clocked about six hours after she wore herself out from crying after the FaceTime call, with a brief intermission when Mark woke her up to essentially force-feed her a grilled cheese. And another time when he woke her to see if she wanted to FaceTime to say goodnight to Kate and Henry (she gave him a frightened shake of her head in response, so Mark handled this call solo and told Kate that her mom was sleeping – which was true).

But even with the nap, Addison still needs more sleep. And now it's two in the morning and she can't fall asleep and it's raining. She's both wired and exhausted, and nothing Mark has done so far is helping her settle down. Each time she sighs and he feels her muscles even start to slightly loosen up, she tightens like a bow again and more crying follows.

"Addison…is there anything else I can do to help you relax?" Mark asks, still rubbing her back. "I can give you a massage if you want."

More tears collect in her eyes as she shrugs helplessly. "I…I don't know. I'm sorry. I know you're tired too, Mark. At least I napped today. You probably didn't even do that. You don't have to cuddle with me. You can go to sleep. I'll just – it's okay. At some point I'll drift off."

"Not gonna happen. I'm not letting you go through this alone."

"Thank you. But, I'm sorry -"

"Don't," he interjects.

"Mark, just listen for a sec," she says insistently. Her fingernails accidentally sink into one of his shoulders. "Please. The rational part of my brain – not that it's operating at full capacity – can mostly understand this isn't my fault and I shouldn't have to apologize for having depression. That doesn't erase the feelings of guilt, but I'm just saying I'm sorry because I know this is hard on you too. You're taking care of me, and before you were doing this, you've primarily been the one taking care of our kids. And I haven't always been very nice throughout this whole experience. So I'm sorry for any pain this has caused you. And exhaustion. I'm sure there's plenty of that."

"Oh. Thanks," he replies quietly. "It's okay though, Addie. I'm…I'm okay. All I want is for you to be okay. Do you want to take a bath? We could take one together."

Addison smirks. "Is this because of the 'drowning' comment? So you can prove to me that you're going to keep my head above water because your brain pretty much only works in puns and metaphors?"

"No, but that's a valid question. I'm just thinking of a bath because it might help you unwind and make it easier to fall asleep. That's all."

"Okay. Sure. But Mark, are there…have you been taking pictures of Henry?" A new worry has invaded Addison's thoughts. She has thought about it on and off throughout the afternoon, but she was either drifting in and out of sleep or crying too hard to communicate it. "Beyond the newborn photo shoot and the ones I took the first week before everything went to shit in my head, I just…are there pictures? One day when things are better, I just want to know that there's still some sort of proof for weeks two through five. That he was there, even if I wasn't."

"Yeah, there's pictures, Addison. And some videos, too," Mark answers, stroking her hair, as she exhales in relief. "I definitely haven't taken as many as I did with Kate – we both went overboard with her, first kid and all – but there's enough. I have an album on my phone. You're in some of the pictures too, holding Henry. No matter how depressed you've felt for the past three weeks, you loved and liked your son enough to look at the camera and manage a smile. Even though it hurt. Would you like to look at the album while I run the bath?"

Addison nods, feeling a flutter of anticipation move through her.

-

Could you just eat a Big Mac once in a while or something? Addison wants to snipe at Mark when she comes into the bathroom after hearing the faucet turn off. She takes in her husband's shoulders, the hard, ropy muscles of his stomach, and the cut of his hipbones as he moves around the bathroom in just boxers, lighting a few candles on the counter that are at least three years old. His body is just unfairly perfect. And even more unfairly, she knows that Mark really is no stranger to Big Macs. Their daughter loves McDonald's, after all.

"We had leftover bubbles," Mark says when he notices Addison standing near the tub. She has pulled her hair up into something he knows is called a "top knot" and is fiddling with the blush pink ties on her bathrobe. Her eyes move from Mark to the foam threatening to spill over the glossy lip of the freestanding tub. "We also have half a bubble bar of Kate's – I think it was originally a unicorn horn or something that Amelia got for her – and something called a galaxy bath bomb in all these crazy colors, but I went with the boring grownup bubbles. And you know how difficult a decision that was for me. I think the galaxy one even sparkles."

Addison reveals a thin smile. "And you also went with candles and dimmed lighting."

"And the rain outside is essentially the equivalent of spa music. But this isn't a sex thing or potential sex thing, if you're going to ask that."

"I was. I'm not that sore anymore, but I'm not…I'm not ready. Fucking, sex, making love – any of it."

"You really covered it all there," Mark says, keeping his tone neutral. "It's just a bath, Addison. And you know I think -"

"I know what you think. I know, okay? But that's not what I think or what I feel. I still look pregnant. And it would be better if I was pregnant because then I wouldn't…I wouldn't feel the way I do right now." Addison stares at the floor while tears skate down her cheeks. "And all I wanted – before Henry was born I took so many baths, but because I was pregnant I couldn't take a super-hot one, and now I have the chance, but…" she sighs when Mark opens up her robe and slides it down her shoulders. She is too lost in her sadness and anxiety though to feel self-conscious about being completely, vulnerably naked in front of him for the first time since before Henry was born. Who cares. "But I'd – I'd give anything to go back to short, lukewarm baths if it m-meant…if it meant…" she stammers, chest now too tight to continue.

"Come here," Mark says, hoisting one of his legs and then the other into tub. He reaches out for her hand. "Get in the bath with me. We're just going to cuddle and you're going to try to rest."

Addison complies with his request, mostly out of sheer indifference at this point, and they begin the graceless process of easing down into the water. It's not exactly a small tub, but it's not a Jacuzzi either, so they go slowly and ignore the dramatic sloshing of the surface water that threatens to rise above the tub's porcelain edges. Mark wraps both arms around Addison once they're stretched out side-by-side, thighs touching. He lets her wiggle around until she has found a comfortable spot on his chest to lay her cheek.

Mark clears his throat. "I'm just now realizing…this is okay, right? With your incision? I know I should have asked that before getting in. Some doctor I am. Why do people let me operate on them?"

"It's okay, Doctor Sloan." Addison lets out a short, amused giggle while one of her hands moves through the water to curl around his elbow. "The skin has healed over. I should…I should probably talk to you more about the C-section experience. I have, um. A lot of feelings and guilt about it. Not because it was a C-section, but…I can't talk about it right now. I don't have the mental bandwidth and it'll just make me more upset."

"Got it. Let's try tomorrow with that and just rest for right now."

"This feels…really nice," Addison admits. It's helping, she thinks. The water is soothing as it laps against her skin and she feels safe in Mark's embrace. She inhales deeply. "Will you…Mark, will tell me about Henry? Like…what he's like. Just talk to me about our son."

"Oh," Mark says, and it takes him a moment to push down the tightness that settles in his throat. It's such a heartbreakingly sincere request. "Yeah, of course. Henry is…he's amazing. Perfect, really. He loves being held, and he seems to really like people and faces. I know his eye-coordination is still pretty limited at this point, but it always feels like he sees you when you're holding him. He'll look up at you with these big eyes – your eyes. It felt intentional from the very beginning with him. He likes his pacifier, but he likes sucking on his thumb more. He loves the squishy toys on his activity mat. And he's noisier than Kate was. He doesn't seem interested in testing out his lungs or doing the crying jags like her though – it's more just like mild fussing or whining when he needs something. But he's always making all these funny grunts and sighs, and he recently started cooing. He's a really happy, easygoing kid, Addison."

Addison's breath is floaty and warm against his skin when she speaks. "He sounds amazing. And I saw the video of him cooing on your phone. He reminded me of a little dove. I hope – I hope one day soon I'll be able to show him how much I love him."

"You will." He pulls her closer. She is still awake, still anxious, still suffering, but Mark can feel her starting to mellow in his arms.

"Don't let me drown," Addison mumbles jokingly at one point, and Mark's laugh and assurance that he won't echoes lightly in her ears.

Addison is aware of the sounds, feelings, and movements around her, even as she grows tired. Being cradled in Mark's arms, and eventually being moved between his legs, still a bit sideways so she can continue pressing her cheek to the warmth of his chest. Every once in a while she gets adjusted by Mark a little so that he can reach out to fiddle with the deck-mounted faucet to add more hot water, but otherwise he is calm and still, just letting her rest. It's so comfortingly warm. The sleep-inducing smells of lavender and chamomile rise from the water. Something fresh too, she thinks, maybe from the flickering candles. Rain patters outside. Bubbles that have collected on her chest and clavicle fizz. But she is mostly just aware of Mark holding her, loving her.

"Addie?"

She stirs lazily against the plane of his chest. "Hmm?"

"You're falling asleep. I'm gonna help you stand up and dry off, okay?" Mark would let her stay longer, but he can feel himself starting to nod off, and it would be tremendously shitty not to hold up his end of the ongoing metaphor if she ends up slipping down his chest once he drifts off.

He quickly ties a towel around his waist and then moves on to her. Addison lets him towel her off, marveling at how slowly Mark wipes away the beads of water lingering on the gooseflesh pebbling her skin, before he helps her shrug her robe back on. He rubs his hands up and down her forearms, asking if she's warm enough. It feels so intimate.

"What?" Mark asks as she looks up at him with a searching expression. She is acting a little fidgety now that she's dried off, toes curling and straining against the chilled floor.

"Nothing," she murmurs. "I just…"

He tucks a loosened strand of hair behind her ear. "You just what?"

Addison hovers closer, and he registers her expression as shyness, which makes him realize what she wants and is waiting for. Mark smiles and brushes his lips against hers softly. It has been at least a week. And it's been even longer that any kiss they've shared has been meaningful. He starts to break away first so he can gauge her reaction and honestly just look at her, but Addison stretches forward, lips flaring against his. Mark circles his arms around her waist, drawing her closer. The kisses they're exchanging are light and tender and slow, but God, this moment matters so much to him.

"Well." Mark grins when she leans back, breathing faster. "Definitely not nothing. You're just throwing me a bone because I went with the grownup bubbles and not the other options, aren't you?"

"Definitely not nothing," she repeats, skimming her fingertips over her bottom lip. "Or nothing to do unicorns and sparkly water, at least. I wanted…I just didn't realize…I didn't realize how much I missed doing that with you."

"You're incredible, you know."

"With clothes or without?" Addison is tired and still feels a bit loopy from having been nudged awake, but she cannot help flirting right now. The air feels different around them. That. And maybe something in her is different, too. It's not anything definitive, not an all better now switch flipped. But it's something. A wound in subtle repair. Her hands slide over Mark's shoulders to clasp together at the base of his neck.

He smiles. "Both, but damn, seeing you naked and having you in a warm, confined space with me…I'm glad I'm not young anymore and that I have some level of self-control because if I were sixteen again and you were between my legs like that -"

"I'm not liking the implications of me being in a bathtub with a sixteen-year-old." Addison shakes her head and tries not to laugh or groan. "Even if the sixteen-year-old in this scenario is yourself."

"Sorry. You get what I mean though, right?"

"About you managing to not respond like a horny teenage boy while we were in the tub together, dummy? Yep, got it."

Mark leans down to kiss the bridge of her nose after she has understandably rolled her eyes at him. "No, that's not…of course this is my fault because I'm dumb and inappropriate and easily distracted by your curves and am therefore explaining this terribly. I just mean…you're hanging in there and you've smiled and laughed a couple times. So I just want you to know I see that. You might not feel better yet, but I'm seeing little signs that it's getting more manageable for you, Addison. And that's incredible. That's the incredible thing. You're the incredible thing."

"Oh," Addison says softly. "Thank you." A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. "I don't want to have to go through this. I don't want anyone to have to go through something like this, especially after having a baby, because it should be such a joyous time. But if I do have to go through this – since I am going through this – I'm glad I have you with me."

She lifts her chin, and it doesn't take Mark but a moment to understand she wants to be kissed again before they go to bed.

-