AN: Well here it is, breaking point. Sorry in advance, it isn't pretty. Early upload because I'm having an early night.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Carrick and Grace sat in the living room with some classical music playing in the background. It had been an interesting day with Carrick working and Grace trying to keep herself busy. It's all they seemed to do lately. Christian had withdrawn since Ana had gone to the hospital, locking himself away again, working all hours at Grey's House. Carrick held around his wife, she was incredibly sad and he knew that he understood how she had adopted Ana and how right now she felt like one of her children was missing. He felt it too, maybe not as strongly as Grace but he did feel as though Ana was one of his children and hated not being able to check in on her, know that she was ok.

"They'll be looking after her you know." Carrick said, it was just his thoughts out loud, it wasn't directed at Grace necessarily but he felt it needed to be said.

"The place is great. Mary gave me some of the brochures that has a full breakdown of the things they do there. She won't be bored. But I'm worried about her Carrick, she must feel like we've abandoned her." Grace replied sighing deeply, she hated the thought that Ana might be unhappy with them, they hadn't done this by choice, it was a necessity to stop her from hurting herself.

"I didn't see her before she went in." Carrick said. "You were here when she broke, was it really that bad?"

"It was bad." Grace shivered as she recalled having to pin Ana down on the ground. "I thought Montesano last time was bad, where she was nothing more than a corpse but I really think if she'd have left here that night we never would have seen her again." It was Carrick's turn to shiver, it was hard to think of the young woman they cared so deeply about, being in so much pain that she would harm herself and possibly end her life. "And the fact she's continued to hurt herself since she went to Harborview and now at Westpoint just goes to show… she would have done it."

"I just wish Christian would speak to us some more, we should be pulling together as a family." Carrick said. He'd been trying to speak with his son but Christian had been shutting him down and ending the calls after just a brief chat.

"He's lost without her, I think he's blaming himself a lot, he bought Elena back into her life after all." Grace replied, she knew this because she'd been having similar feelings, that if they'd never become such an important part of Ana's life, maybe she'd never have reached this stage.

Carrick gave Grace a little squeeze, he couldn't tell her not to feel the way she did, but he felt she shouldn't have been feeling that way. All they'd done was try to help Ana, they couldn't control the fact the memories had come back but he didn't think that them coming back was necessarily a bad thing, she was being made to face her past yes but in the hopes that it would bring her brighter future.

"Christian said Mary thinks she'll need to stay at Westpoint for six months." Grace said, it was another something that Christian had finally shared with her, he wasn't being as forthcoming with information as she would have liked, she was having to drag it out of him.

"If that's what she needs." Carrick replied though he had no idea how that was going to work with the court case coming up because if nothing else, she would need to testify.

"She won't be home for Thanksgiving." Grace added. "But I spoke with Ray, he's still coming thankfully and I don't know, maybe Ana will be allowed visitors by then so we can at least maybe see her. I just want to see her…" Tears prickled at Grace's eyes but the moment was interrupted by the shrill ring of Carrick's cell phone.

"Hello?" He answered not recognising the number.

"Hi Carrick it's Ana." The voice on the other side hit his ears and he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Ana sounded quite cheerful.

"Ana? Are you ok?"

"Put it on speaker." Grace demanded, pulling away from Carrick so she could look at him.

"I'm fine. I finally read some of the leaflets they gave me about being here and turns out they can't stop me speaking to my lawyer when I'm on a court order." Ana giggled, it was clear she was quite happy that she'd been able to get one over on the staff at Westpoint. Grace clasped her hands together by her mouth, relieved to hear Ana's voice especially as she sounded so cheerful.

Ana was sitting in the office at Westpoint, Lorna on the other side of the room watching her. They hadn't been able to deny her this call, it was her right to speak to her attorney despite the fact her attorney was a member of who she considered family. Lorna had tried to talk Ana out of making this call, but Ana had dug her heels in.

"How is everyone?" Ana asked, glancing at Lorna who scowled.

"Everyone is ok, missing you of course, I hope you're behaving, doing what you need to do."

"Of course." Ana giggled because she knew that wasn't exactly true because if she had been behaving, she wouldn't have made this call and instead she'd have let Lorna talk her out of it. "Is Christian ok?"

"Ana." Lorna warned.

"He misses you so much and hopes he can visit you soon." Grace replied knowing it was important to keep this call positive.

"I miss you all so much…" Ana's voice broke. "Grace…"

Lorna dived from the other side of the room and before Ana or Grace could say anything else she disconnected the line.

"What did you do that for?!" Ana yelled jumping to her feet.

"You can speak to your lawyer, you can't speak with your family." Lorna replied. "I excused you asking how everyone was but you can't speak with Grace Ana…"

"That's so unfair! It was just a second!" Ana yelled. "It's been a whole week… I just want to speak with my Mom!" Ana slammed the receiver down on the desk and bolted out of the room, she was so angry and felt the need to lash out but she wasn't a violent person and she wasn't going to start now.

Lorna stood in the middle of the room, her head in her hands, she knew letting Ana call Carrick was a bad idea but she also respected Ana's rights and she had a right to speak with her attorney as she was on a court order. However, they knew that allowing the family and the patient to have some space in the first couple of weeks was vital to successful treatment.

"Lorna!" Christie ran into the room and Lorna finally lowered her hands and turned to look at the yoga instructor and councillor.

"What?"

"Ana's smashing up the bedroom."

"Fuck." Lorna breathed before she followed Christie out of the room, running up the stairs two at a time.

True enough Ana had managed to tip both mattresses and beds completely over, the bedside cabinets had lost their drawers and clothing was strewn everywhere.

"Ana… come on sweetheart calm down…" Sandra said standing in the middle of the room, her hands up to show she was no threat.

"Leave me alone!" Ana yelled stopping her pacing only for a moment. This was just like when Christian had brought that officer from Montesano, that intense feeling of being out of control, rushing through her veins and this was all she could do.

Lorna glanced at Christie before stepping into the room to Ana, worried that the young woman would lash out at her she was trying to keep her distance while also being there for her to try and bring her down. It was her fault and she needed to deal with it.

"Ana, come on sweetie, let's go downstairs we can talk about this."

"I don't want to talk to you!" Ana yelled at Lorna, she was the last person who she wanted to speak to right now, she wanted to speak with her family, with Grace… she just needed to speak to Grace.

"I know, I understand." Lorna said.

"No you don't, you don't have a clue what it's like to not have a family!" Ana yelled back coming to a stop just in front of Lorna and Lorna sighed, she was right, she didn't have a clue.

"Christie can you get Nancy to bring me 2 mils Midazolam please." Lorna said not turning away from Ana as she spoke, they couldn't leave Ana in this state and if they couldn't talk her down they'd have to bring her down with medication, despite the fact they hated doing it and it was a last resort.

"Tell me about your family." Sandra said having been standing back to let Lorna try first but now she had to try to see if she could bring Ana down a little before the drugs got there.

"No, you don't understand… I need my family…" Ana couldn't help herself, she made for the door which both Lorna and Sandra were stood in front of and as she went to barge her way through them the pair quickly grabbed her and bought her down to the ground as safely as they could, thankfully they were fully trained in physical restraint tactics and they bought Ana down easily.

"Get off me!" She screamed thrashing against them but they couldn't let her go now, they knew this was psychosis and when Ana was upset or scared, she ran, this was fight or flight, they knew what they were doing and they knew what Ana was experiencing. They pinned her down, limiting the risk of injury to herself and to them until Nancy came with the drugs and they were able to inject her.

By the time Ana was limp, the rest of the house was gathered around the doorway watching what was going on. It took twenty minutes for the sedation to take effect, though Ana's fighting had become less and less aggressive as the drug had started to work.

"We need to get her to the calm room." Sandra said as she finally let go of Ana's limp figure. "What the hell happened?" She asked looking at her colleague, Ana had been doing so well and now they were sedating her, it made no sense.

"She spoke with her attorney, her boyfriend's father, his mother must have been there she started talking to her so I ended the call." Lorna explained as Christie and Nancy came to help them move Ana downstairs.

"I think we need to talk about this family issue. I have a feeling there's something more to this when it comes to Ana." Sandra said and Lorna nodded, she wasn't sure what it was but losing that connection to Grace had clearly affected Ana more than they could have ever anticipated, the question was 'why?' and until they figured that out, they wouldn't be able to prevent it from happening again.

Ana slept for a good five hours and when she woke, she was surprised to see Lorna supervising her. Having already been in the calm room and knowing now the rules of the house, she knew exactly why she was there. She turned on her side and pulled the blankets tighter around her and breathed deeply, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill.

"So do you think we can chat about what happened?" Lorna asked coming to sit beside the mattress but the second Ana saw the shrink's figure she turned over, she didn't want to look at or speak with Lorna right now, this was all Lorna's fault. "We need to talk about it Ana." Lorna said gently but Ana ignored her, she just wanted the shrink to go away and leave her alone already.

Ana stayed like that through the night, refusing to talk to Lorna and Sandra who swapped halfway through the night and while repeated attempts were made to engage with her, she refused to engage with the psychiatrists. They'd never understand, that was the problem, but she needed Grace, she needed to know Grace still cared about her, still loved her despite everything because Grace was the only parent she'd ever had who seemed to love her unconditionally and she was so frightened that Grace would end up not loving her with them spending so much time apart.

The morning came and Ana was allowed to leave the room once her vitals had been checked by Nancy. She went up to her bedroom and found everything back in its place. She climbed into her bed, pulled the covers over her head and closed her eyes, she knew she wouldn't sleep but she needed the peace.

One of the councillors bought her breakfast up, but she didn't touch it, she didn't want to eat right now. All she wanted was Grace and Christian, to see them, to look into their eyes and hear them tell her they still cared about her because without that she couldn't believe that they did. This extended period away from them may have been enough for them to see that she was hurting them and wasn't worth keeping in their lives and she knew if she lost them it would be the end for her.

Feeling that overwhelming need to get to them, she climbed out of bed and pulled on her shoes. Her heart hammered inside her chest so hard she could hear it in her ears, but she didn't care, she needed to see her family. She opened the bedroom door and glanced around, she was glad to see no one nearby. As quietly and as calmly as she could, she made her way downstairs, the front door was just feet away and as soon as she stepped off the final step she broke out into a run, her hand grabbed the door handle and she flung it open, setting an alarm blearing before the adrenaline really kicked in and she broke out into a run on the gravel path.

She barely made it ten feet before a pair of arms engulfed her.

"Get off me!" She screamed, thrashing around like a tornado, desperate to get free from the person holding her.

"I've got you, you're safe, calm down." The male voice sang in her ear but it did nothing to calm Ana who continued to throw her body around to try and get free. "Look calm down or we're going to have to drug you again." The voice said, a little more urgent this time. Not liking the idea of being dosed up again Ana calmed a little, her attempts to escape the hold around her lessened. "That's it, you're safe Ana. I know you're scared and anxious right now, but you're safe." The voice whispered as sobs began to take over Ana's body. The arms around her turned her and held her tight as she cried, grief-filled sobs echoed in the air and Alistair the councillor turned to the shrinks standing behind him and shrugged.

"Let's get her inside." Lorna said trying to hide her own sadness that this was the point they'd reached.

Alistair picked Ana up as though she was nothing more than a toddler and she clung around his neck, her face buried in his shoulder, as he carried her back into the house and back up to her bedroom. Lorna and Nancy helped remove her shoes after she was placed on the bed and she went into shut down. Lorna sat down beside Ana's knees but the young woman just wrapped her arms around herself and turned away.

"You know we can't let you leave." Lorna said gently. "But we can try to help you if you just tell us what's wrong. What happened Ana? How are you feeling?"

Ana didn't respond, she didn't want to speak with them, she only wanted to speak with Grace or Christian and if she couldn't speak with them then she wouldn't speak with anyone.

Lorna looked at Alistair and sighed, they didn't have a clue how to get through to Ana right now, if she wasn't willing to talk, they couldn't make her talk. The frustrating side was that Ana had made progress but this undid all of that, they knew it, she was back to square one after a week of progress.

Ana stayed in her bed for the rest of the day, she refused to eat the meals bought to her and ignored any attempt at talking to her. Lacey came up at bedtime and spoke to Ana, a kind and soft conversation about the subdued mood in the house and that she was there if Ana wanted to chat. It had bought tears to Ana's eyes but she didn't respond.

In the early hours of the morning, while Lacey snored quietly, Ana climbed out of bed once again. She didn't know what she was doing but she knew she needed to at least move around a little. She was restless. Opening her bedroom door, she stopped and listened, she knew there were a couple of councillors awake and on duty somewhere in the house but she wasn't sure where they would be. Quietly, she walked down the stairs trying not to make a sound.

A part of her wanted to go for the door again, but she knew it was hopeless. Now she knew it was alarmed she knew she wouldn't even get to the end of the driveway before they'd be carting her back to the house and she didn't have the energy for the fight that would ensue. Instead, she started checking the doors to the rooms of the house, some of them she'd not yet had a reason to go into before. She would first look to see if there was any light underneath, then her hand would gently and as quietly as possible try a handle. It was on the third door, she finally got a result and the door opened. Peeking around it, she saw she was in the main office.

"Something tells me this door should be locked." Ana mused as she walked inside.

There were four desks, each with a computer and piles of files and paperwork, at the far end corner, a couple of huge filing cabinets and on the wall a huge corkboard with pictures of all the current patients on. Ana walked over to look even closer and saw that beneath her photo, her name, and the conditions she was being treated for summarised in bullet-points along with some handwritten notes that were clearly just things the staff had been learning about her since she'd been there.

Her eyes went to the pins, holding the pictures in place. The urge to hurt herself had been there since the moment Lorna had hung the phone up on Grace but this was the first time she'd come face to face with an object that would give her that satisfaction. She took the pin out of her own photo and with the pin in one hand and the photo in the other she went over to one of the desks and sat down. Her mind wasn't focused on anything but the after effect of cutting. She put the picture down before she rolled her left sleeve up and with the pin held tight between her thumb and forefinger, she stabbed it into the skin just beneath the crook of her elbow. She bit down on her lip to stop herself calling out in pain and dragged the pin along, watching as the blood immediately began to pool. It took multiple attempts to completely cut that line down her arm and even then, it wasn't enough and she repeated the process on her right arm until both arms were dripping blood onto the carpet. She panted lightly with the adrenaline, the numbness that she felt in her soul was exactly what she'd been wanting to feel.

"We've got a code Blue!" Ana heard but she didn't move, she was too high to move. This was why she needed to cut. for the after effect, the peacefulness and the calm the physical pain bought her emotions.

Around her multiple voices were calling, feet were pounding on the floor above her head but she still didn't move. It wasn't until the light came on over her head and Lorna's eyes met her own did the feeling pass.

"Ana… sweetheart look at me… Ana…" Lorna said as Ana appeared completely oblivious to the fact she was standing there, her hands on the arm of the chair, her face inches away from Ana's tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. "Look at me Ana." Ana blinked and finally looked as though she could see the shrink in front of her. "We need to get you cleaned up." Lorna said quietly. Ana nodded but she made no attempt to move. "Will you let me take you to Nancy's room?" Lorna asked. Ana thought a moment before she nodded again. Lorna took Ana's arms and elevated them a little while she brought her to standing, there was blood everywhere though the cuts didn't appear to be too deep. Thankfully Ana didn't fight them when she walked her slowly down the hall to Nancy's office.

Ana was oblivious to everyone in the corridor, the staff and patients in their pyjamas having had their sleep interrupted. It was clear that Ana being missing had been discovered during bed checks and the whole house had been disturbed when the alarm had been raised.

"Oh Ana." Nancy said rushing into the room in her dressing gown. Ana had been placed on the gurney and she didn't look in Nancy's direction when she approached. "Let me see sweetheart." Nancy said pulling on a pair of gloves before reaching for Ana's arms. "Ok, Lorna in the drawer by the sink can you get me some antiseptic wipes, the draw underneath some gauze and bandage please." She said calmly.

Lorna did as asked, without question and Nancy got to work. Ana didn't flinch when the antiseptic wipes touched her skin despite the fact Nancy knew that it should have been painful. Once The blood was cleared and she could see the wounds she was better able to make an evaluation.

"Steri-strips, in the left-hand drawer, they're not deep." Nancy explained and again Lorna did as asked. Nancy careful checked to ensure the bleeding had stopped before she put the steri-strips down both of Ana's arms then she padded them with gauze and bandaged them up.

"We should give her one mil of midazolam and put her in the calm room." Lorna said already going to the medicine cabinet with her keys, as Ana's doctor, the drugs were her decision.

"I don't think she needs the drugs Lorna." Nancy said gently, Ana was completely mute, sitting unmoving on the bed. Lorna stopped and turned to the nurse. "She doesn't need the drugs."

"You're right." Lorna agreed, Ana wasn't agitated, she wasn't lashing out, there was no need to give her any kind of sedative right now but Lorna was shaken and she didn't know what to do. "The calm room."

Ana walked with Nancy and Lorna's support to the calm room but she took the blanket from the mattress in the middle of the room and went over to the far corner.

"Do you want me to watch her? You need to sleep." Nancy suggested.

"No. I caused this." Lorna replied. "You go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning."

Lorna took to the chair on the other side of the room and brought her legs up to the side. Ana was clearly not going to talk tonight, so she wasn't even going to try and make her, instead, she would just be there for the young woman, so Ana knew she wasn't alone.

She woke to a knocking sound and it took a minute for her to remember where she was. When Lorna glanced over at Ana she dove from her chair.

"Stop, stop it!" She cried grabbing Ana's face in her hands as Ana hit her head against the wall. "Code Red!" She screamed hoping someone would hear her, she had no idea what time it was if anyone would be around to respond. "Stop Ana!" She begged putting her arms around Ana's neck to try and stop her, tears trickled down Ana's cheeks but not a single noise passed her lips.

Thankfully, Lorna's cry for help was heard and Sandra came running in with a needle and quickly got it into Ana to bring her down.

"What the hell is going on?" Lorna asked as Ana calmed down.

"I don't know Lor', did she say anything to you?" Sandra asked.

"Just that I'd never understand what it was like not to have a family when you were there." Lorna replied sadly. "I don't think we're equipped for this Sandra, I think we're going to have to transfer her out."