The Call of the Moon

Chapter Twenty – Nine

"Remus! Stop!"

Remus did stop, but not because his friends were shouting for him. Rather because every muscle in his body hurt far too much to run and his legs gave out before he got far. Collapsing against a tree, Remus groaned in pain and propped his full weight against the trunk as his friends quickly caught up.

"Don't freak out…no one got hurt, you remember that don't you?"

"What I remember, James…" Remus managed to get out, regaining enough strength to straighten up and round on his friends as everything kept flooding back into his brain in a horrible mass of memory. "Is nearly killing people. And not just anyone, oh no, it had to be them! Jenna didn't just see me, I nearly ate her! Ohhh what have I done…" Filled with self-loathing, the fury drained from his voice in favour of sheer horror and he swayed forward unsteadily until Peter and Sirius caught him and lowered him back to the ground.

"Remus…Remus, you need to calm down…"

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down!" Every time he so much as blinked he could see it all fresh again. He could still hear the Hufflepuff girls' screams, feel the thrill of the hunt, even still smell their fear. It had been so close…if James had crashed into him two seconds later…

Groaning loudly, Remus doubled over, suddenly violently nauseous and threw up the little there was in his stomach to expel.

Sirius, who had jumped backwards just in time to avoid getting sick all over his shoes, cringed and looked down at his friend with such pity. There was nothing they could say to him to rid Remus of the guilt and the sheer horror of what he had nearly done, there was nothing that would change his opinion of himself. It was all they could do to try to keep him sane.

"…I'm a monster. What have I done?"

James gripped his shoulders, while Remus wouldn't meet any of their eyes he refused to let him sink into that pit of self hatred. "You are not a monster. You didn't kill anybody, it is not your fault."

"But I would have. I would have killed them. Or much worse, left them like me." Suddenly the werewolf snapped his head up, staring at Peter who held out a water bottle for him. He remembered charging straight for his friend. His brave, incredible friends who had put their lives in direct risk "…I didn't get you did I? Any of you?"

"Not even a scratch." Peter said firmly and forced the water in Remus' shaking hand. "Even holding you back they were so careful."

As if to demonstrate the point, Sirius rolled his sleeves up and showed his slightly bruised but otherwise unscathed skin. "Nothing, but I have to admit, you pack a hell of a lot of force."

Relief flickered across Remus' scarred face for a second and he took a sip of water to ease the harsh grating in his throat. Still shaking violently, he took James' hand and let him help him to his feet.

"Come on, Moony. We need to get you back into the Shrieking Shack before Pomfrey knows you were out."

They could say it all they liked that Remus hadn't hurt anyone, but that didn't make it any better. He stared at his reflection, his body covered in bruises and a shining black eye from James' hooves. He had to give them credit that they had proven they wouldn't hold back if they had to and it was only because of them doing exactly the right thing that Remus hadn't killed those girls.

But damage had already been done. He'd been seen, the real monstrous side of him had come out and all his dearest friends had been witness to what made him so dangerous. His heart thundered painfully in his chest as his thoughts strayed to Jenna. He'd just put her through the most traumatic ordeal of her life and the only consolation was that she didn't know it was him. Remus cursed and gripped the sink with both hands as he lowered his gaze to the drain. He'd been right, too painfully right, to have reservations about getting close to anyone like that.

Splashing cool water over his face which eased the pain but a little he looked up into the cracked bathroom mirror of the shack and his expression twisted into a disgusted one at his own reflection. With a solid swipe of his wand, the glass shattered and, leaving the broken mess on the floor he left the room feeling no more human than he had last night.

Wanting nothing but to be left alone now, and despite his friends insisting that someone stay with him, Remus had all but shouted at them to go back up to the castle under the proviso that they'd be back after classes to make sure he was alright.

xxxXxxx

"Now I know this whole thing is…obviously awful, but you don't think that Dumbledore is going to let your secret be blown, do you?"

"Besides, Jenna has no reason to ever think it was you."

"How does that make a difference? She's not stupid, and neither is Annette, they'd know there's a werewolf around."

"Or…" Sirius started, getting to his feet slowly, "…maybe it's a good thing it was Jenna…"

"What?!" Three separate voices shouted at once and Sirius just sighed and rolled his dark eyes.

"Shut up and let me finish. I just mean, Remus you have a good shot at convincing her she didn't see what she saw."

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and turned around slowly to face his friend. "…and how would I possibly do that without looking like I'm hiding something?"

"Because, you're the rational one with a smart head on his shoulders who knows that there's no way Professor Dumbledore would let a werewolf roam the school grounds." Sirius said pointedly, "Or…if you don't like that idea…here's a crazy one…tell her the truth."

Remus snorted, not in humour but in disbelief as the faces of his friends all turned to stare at him to see his response. "I didn't even want to tell you lot the truth. That's not going to happen."

"Hey, she could be into having a werewolf for a boyfri-"

"Not. Happening." The severity must have been clear in his voice as even Sirius didn't question it again and Remus rubbed his face in exhaustion and went back to staring out the window of their dormitory. He'd snuck back into the castle, and to add to his cover of bedrest, had spent the whole day in there, appearing in the Common Room once or twice so people thought he'd been up there the whole time.

"I was right all along. I'm far too dangerous."

"Remus-"

"I don't wanna hear it anymore. I am dangerous. Whatever this…this thing is with her, I was right not to let it go far and now I definitely need to put a stop to it."

"Mate, you deserve to be happy as much-no, actually, more than anyone else." James insisted, and Remus knew that the anguish he felt was apparently in every part of his face. Still, there was no changing his mind when he decided what he did and didn't get to have.

"I don't care what I deserve!" And it all exploded out of him in such a rush that for a moment he caught himself by surprise. "It isn't about me. It's about whatever girl is mad enough to fancy me and what she deserves. Because I can't make her happy, I just can't. I do not get to have that kind of life that you want to have with Lily. I just don't get to!"

For a few seconds no one spoke and Remus buried his face in his shaking hands, trembling with nausea and shame all at once. He was still haunted by the thought of having to face her the next day. No one tried to comfort him, no hands were placed on his shoulders and for that he was grateful because he didn't want comfort and pity anymore.

"We'll back you up, whatever you say." Peter spoke first and as Remus lifted his face he saw James and Sirius nodding slowly.

"…How are you so damn noble? You're the most Gryffindorish Gryffindor I've ever met." Sirius added slowly which did earn a twitch from Remus' lips.

"Good…thank you. Because I'm going to do the right thing."

xxxXxxx

He managed to duck down and hide in the crowd during breakfast the next day, keeping as out of sight as he could from the Hufflepuff table and hiding behind the Daily Prophet when he saw Jenna looking around for him. He would handle it, just…not in front of the rest of the school.

Ancient Runes had let out, and he knew so had Jenna's Muggle Studies and they both had a free period next. So instead of hiding, Remus faced it, and met her coming out of the classroom.

Jenna was still paler than Remus had seen her, and that was an achievement for the Irish witch, but her eyes lit up when she saw him leaning against the wall waiting for her and her smile made Remus feel even more guilty than he already did. He had come so close to ending her life completely, or cursing it, and for that he'd never forgive himself.

"Hi."

"…They said you were stuck in bed."

"I was." If anything the situation with his mother had added weight to his stories of illness, now it was much more plausible to pretend it could be something genetic. But that thought still brought tears to his eyes so he tried to avoid it. "It's alright, I'm…okay."

"Can we talk? If you have time." Jenna slipped her arm through his and Remus' hands stayed firmly in his pockets as he nodded slowly and let her turn him around. "I missed you."

Now what did he even say to that? Yes, except I did actually see you more recently than you think and nearly ate you?

The teenage werewolf opted instead just to nod and offer the smallest of smiles to her, trying to inwardly practice his shocked face when she would inevitably tell him her account of what had happened.

"I…Annette and I aren't supposed to talk about it but I need to tell you something…"

They sat in the large open arches leading into the courtyard, mostly deserted and without much danger of being overheard.

The next two minutes were the most awkward and uncomfortable of Remus' life, and that was quite the achievement. He fought hard to suppress the urge to close his eyes against the onslaught of nightmarish memory that flooded his mind as he tried to feign hearing it for the first time.

Convince her she hadn't really been attacked by a werewolf? Would that even work? How well could she have seen the tufted tail?

"You're alright, right?"

Jenna's voice was slightly shaky as she nodded, and reached out to touch his arm, a gesture which only made him feel worse. "I'm fine. Annette...well she's in the hospital wing…but…I mean can you believe it?"

There it was. He had no choice, there was only one safe way he could respond to that, and maybe Sirius had been right. Maybe a reasonable and logical reputation would give weight to what he was about to try.

"I'm glad you're okay…you have no idea how glad I am that you're not hurt." He stated firmly and glanced around to make sure no one could overhear. "But I doubt it was a…werewolf."

"What do you-I know what I saw…"

"I believe you saw a wolf, you know the forest is full of them. That whole pack is huge." He felt a physical twinge of guilt that he quickly tried to suppress to lend weight to the nonsense he was suggesting.

To his dismay, albeit not surprise, Jenna did not look like she was buying it and he fought back the urge to cringe at the unimpressed look on her face.

"It was a full moon."

"You do know that regular wolves don't cease to exist on the full moon, don't you?"

Every word made him sound more condescending than the last and Remus could actually feel the heat of Jenna's glare.

"Excuse me?"

It killed him to act like that, and the look on her face was almost enough to make him drop the act. But no, he'd chosen his method, he had to at least try. Maybe it would make the next thing he had to do easier. Still, he tried to redeem himself a little.

"...That came out wrong. I just…" And he dissolved into silence as Filch caught his eye, leering against the opposite wall. Looking as suspicious as he ever was when two students were talking alone and clearly just waiting to catch them in some mischief making.

"If you're looking for Sirius, Mr Filch, he isn't here."

It worked, and with another still slightly suspicious look over his shoulder, the Caretaker shuffled off down the hall muttering something about teenagers.

"...I just don't think Dumbledore would let a werewolf run around the grounds." That at least, was true. As far as the Headmaster was concerned, Remus was still locked up every full moon.

Jenna did not look impressed, and Remus squirmed inwardly a little. It took every part of him to keep his face as neutral as possible, every inch the good student who held Dumbledore in the highest esteem.

"Well maybe he doesn't know…"

"I don't think anything goes on in this school without Dumbledore knowing about it."

"Why are you being like this?" Jenna shot to her feet and Remus followed her with his eyes, sighing a little in resignation.

"I didn't mean-I mean just think abou-"

"I don't need to think about it, Remus Lupin! I know what I saw!" Tears pricked in her eyes and Remus' heart sunk through his shoes. He couldn't do it. He knew he had to stop whatever this was with Jenna before he really did hurt her, but his will was gone. And before he could open his mouth, the Hufflepuff had turned and stormed off down the hallway.

xxxXxxx

"The only possible way that could have gone well is that it might be less of a shock when I find the guts to tell her this is…" Remus trailed off with a disgruntled huff as he dropped into the seat beside Sirius.

"Over? You didn't do it yet?"

"One painfully awkward conversation at a time please."

"Alright, that's quite enough chatter for one afternoon!" Professor Yates was beaming as he strode into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom between the rows of desks. Scarlet robes fluttered around him as he flicked his wand at the blackboard and turned to face his sixth year class. "You won't want to miss anything about today's class, I can promise you that."

A general murmur ran through the room and several students sat up straighter in their seats as the words "Patronus Charm" wrote themselves on the blackboard in large, looping letters. It was advanced magic and something which most students awaited in excitement, and often impatience. Quirinus Quirrell and Frank Longbottom had each asked at least twice a year when they would be learning it.

"Yes, yes, today you are finally going to be covering the Patronus Charm. The Patronus is a particularly tricky thing to conjure, and yes, there are certainly those who are regretfully unable to do so." Yates tapped his wand against his long fingers and leaned back to sit on the edge of his desk. "Now...what is the difference between the corporeal and non-corporeal Patronus?"

Half a dozen hands shot up immediately, Remus among them.

"Ah, Mr. Potter...do enlighten us."

"A corporeal patronus will take the form of an animal, according to each particular witch or wizard, an incorporeal patronus takes no particular shape, and as such is not quite as powerful as corporeal patronus."

"Excellent, exactly right, James. Well done."

James grinned and Remus, sitting in the row behind didn't fail to notice Lily looking across at him with the smallest smile on her face. He nudged Sirius slightly and nodded in her direction. Sirius' eyebrows shot up and he and Remus exchanged a knowing glance. Perhaps there was a chance there after all.

"The Patronus Charm is one of the most powerful defences one can have, against more than just Dementors, and as such is extremely difficult to master. The form that it takes represents the innermost, truest and most necessary part of its caster, parts that may be completely unknown and hidden away, dormant until needed. Each one as unique as its creator, what do I mean by that, Mr. Lupin?"

Remus blinked, not expecting to suddenly be called on but nevertheless he knew the answer. Clearing his throat a little he sat up straighter. "Even if some people have the same animal, the two patronuses will never be completely the same. They will have different markings or sizes."

"Well done, Remus. Correct. And now if you would all take out your wands and stand up…"

As the class stood, the desks and chairs whisked away to either side of the classroom, stacking themselves neatly out of the way.

"Now, to cast the Patronus charm, you must focus all of your thoughts on the happiest memory that you can think of. Not just any old memory, it must be a powerful memory. Then repeat the incantation, Expecto Patromum. For example;"
Clearing his throat, Professor Yates raised his wand, "Expecto Patronum."
A beam of silver light streamed forth, twisting and forming itself until a silver eagle soared around the room to a rush of awed and excited gasps.

Sirius whooped, letting out an impressed whistle to which Professor Yates performed an exaggerated bow. "Thank you, thank you. That is a corporeal Patronus. Once perfected, this spell can also be used to send messages and guidance throughout the wizarding world. Now! Everybody focusing on your memories...all together."

In staggered unison the class raised their wands, and muttered incantations spread throughout the room. Most came to nothing, a few streams of faint silvery smoke drifted and dissolved into nothing.

"Keep going, keep going, you'll only get there with practice!" The Professor encouraged, his Patronus coming to roost in the rafters as he started to wander around the room.

There was a time when Remus would have struggled desperately to come up with a happy memory that would be powerful enough to conjure a patronus. But even now, with most of his thoughts on the terrible mistakes of the last full moon, it leapt to mind right away.

"Are you kidding? This is...awesome!"

"We're friends with a bloody werewolf? How cool is that?"

"You can always trust us."

The very first moment he felt like he belonged. The first time he knew he had found true friends who had his back and kept his secret. That bubble of acceptance and genuine happiness was the feeling that Remus clung to and poured all his energy into. Taking a long steadying breath amidst the whole class trying to cast the spell, Remus closed his eyes to focus for a second.

"Expecto Patronum."

And then a tingle ran through his wand hand and it worked, silver burst forth from his wand and with a delighted laugh he watched as the magic twirled and formed into a shape. And then where there had been nothing, a silvery wolf leapt into the air and Remus' elation sunk through his shoes. Of course. What else could it have been?

"Oh well done!" Professor Yates let out a loud cheer but suddenly Remus didn't feel as victorious anymore. He felt exposed and afraid all over again as if just the shape of the wolf there would give him away and he looked up in time to see Severus Snape's knowing scowl staring at him.

His Patronus took off, running freely through the crowd of students and returning to protectively circle Remus. Alright. So he could conjure one, but how did he unconjure it?

"Relax. It won't give you away unless you let it." James sidled up beside him and hissed in his ear before clapping him on the back. "Well done!"

As if it could feel his discomfort, the wolf took a running leap and dissolved and Remus let out a long breath of relief.
But no one was even looking at Remus anyway. By now other shapes were starting to form through the classroom, some whispery and vanishing in a second and others becoming corporeal animals much to the delight of their caster. A badger glided around the room, weaving between people and making Peter yelp in surprise as it passed through his chest, a swan soared up towards the ceiling and joined Yates' proud eagle.
Lily laughed in delight, and Remus looked in time to see a pretty doe leaning over her to nuzzle her hair. He looked around again and to see James grinning broadly and watching his spell twist and turn into the shape that mirrored his Animagus form. The stag tossed its antlered head proudly and Remus shot his friend a knowing grin.

There was a moment, a peculiar moment but nonetheless impossible to look away from, when the silver stag turned and trotted away from James whose eyes had been drawn to the delighted Lily who was still smiling in pure joy at her patronus. At the same time, the doe lifted its head and the two deer stepped toward each other, gently turning circles around each other. As one they darted off together, almost dancing with each other around the room.
Green eyes met hazel eyes and Lily and James exchanged embarrassed but happy smiles, a moment that was broken when Sirius whistled their way, a dog barking at his side, and the pair both turned as red as Lily's hair was.

"Ah too bad, Pete...keep trying." James clapped a hand on Peter's shoulder. "You weren't the only one who couldn't do it."

"I-I know...it's just you all could." Peter grumbled, frustratedly tucking his wand back into his pocket and heading toward the door with the rest of the class.

Remus lingered back, nodding for his friends to go ahead without him. As the last student trickled out of the door Remus turned back and walked over to Professor Yates.

"Sorry, Professor...can I ask a question?"

"Of course, lad. And well done again, you're a natural at defensive spells you should consider a career with that in mind."

"Uh...thanks, sir." Remus murmured and cast one last furtive look over his shoulder. "I just wanted to know...is it possible to intentionally cast a non corporeal patronus?"