Chapter 49
The next morning, Emily and Hotch didn't get out of bed for a couple hours after they woke up. They had no agenda for the day other than relaxing before going back to work the next day. Knowing they'd have to both go to work and see JJ was a bit uncomfortable for him but not so much for her.
"So, are you going to tell JJ about what we just did right now?", he said, out of breath.
"What we just did right now twice, you mean. I don't get to brag about my boyfriend being able to do that?", she laughed.
"What do you mean being able to do that? You think I'm too old to go more than once?", he asked.
"No, it's just not a lot of men your age can.", she said.
"Men my age?", he asked, sitting up on his elbows.
"This was supposed to be a compliment...", she said, letting a bit of a laugh out.
"Mmhmm. So have you ever been with a man my age before?", he said, leaning over her with a smirk on his face. He brought his lips down to her neck but she didn't answer at first.
Right when he said that, the first thing that came to mind was Ian Doyle. He was after all, the only man she'd been with that was Hotch's age. He was also the last man she was with besides Derek.
Suddenly, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and disgust. Whenever Ian came up, her anxiety spiked and all she could think about was if she had any Xanax with her.
Bringing her attention back to Hotch and him climbing on top of her, he brought his lips to hers and started moving on her. She could feel him getting hard again and knew she wasn't in the space to fully enjoy it. She'd completely forgotten the question he'd asked her until he spoke again.
"Or am I the only one?", he whispered in her ear, moving his lips back down to her neck.
He put his hand on her thigh and ran it down to her knee. She knew he was going to pick it up and bring it around his waist but just couldn't keep going when she felt the way she did. Knowing her as well as he did and the fact that she still hadn't answered him yet, he stopped what he was doing and looked at her.
"Em, are you alright? Do you want me to stop?", he asked, stroking her hair.
She still didn't respond, trying to think of an answer, one involving a good reason why she didn't want to go again. One where he wouldn't worry too much but she couldn't think of anything. At this point he knew something was wrong and asked her again.
"Emily? Where did you go right now?", he asked.
She came back to the moment and looked him in the eyes. "I just um- feel like a shower right now...", she said.
"Okay. Yeah, we can take a shower.", he said, rolling off of her. He reached for her wrist and held it as she sat up before she got out of bed. He felt her racing pulse and body shaking slightly. "Em... what-", he started but she gently pulled her hand away from him.
She grabbed one of his t-shirts from the ground and put it on. She walked out the bedroom door without saying a word as he just watched her, trying to figure out what had just happened.
He knew whenever she got like this, she was usually having an anxiety attack or it was building up to one. He also knew that when that was the case, she either wanted space from everyone and everything or needed him to hold her. He wasn't completely sure which one it was this time but had a feeling it was the first.
He always felt horrible whenever it happened, seeing her like that, not knowing what triggered it or what it's about. He wanted to be there for her but knew he couldn't every time.
Getting out of bed, he grabbed his boxers and put them. He walked over to her bag, knowing she had her Xanax packed in it and grabbed the bottle from it. He poured out one pill and heard her walking upstairs. Before she came in, he put the bottle back and closed the bag.
Each step she took up the stairs, her legs wobbled from her body shaking along with the glass of water in her hand. She walked into the bedroom and saw Hotch standing up and walked over to her with the pill in his hand. He held his hand out for her to take it and once she did, she looked at him confused.
"I just knew.", he said.
She took the pill and swallowed it with a sip of water before walking over to the nightstand and setting it down. He stayed in place, standing by the foot of the bed, not wanting to crowd her or hover.
"Is there anything I can do for you, hun?", he asked.
"Can I take a shower?", she tried her best to keep her voice steady.
"Of course.", he said.
She walked past him without saying anything else or looking at him. It took everything in him to not hug her and try to talk to her about it. They seemed to know everything about each other except for this. Part of him felt mad that she couldn't tell him what it was, seeing as how she knew everything about him and he'd never held anything back. But another part was just mad that he couldn't help her more.
After a few minutes, he realized there were no clean towels in the bathroom and went to grab one from the closet in the hall. He walked back into the bedroom and slowly approached the bathroom.
"Hey, Em? I've got a fresh towel here for you. I'm just gonna set it down on the counter, okay?", he waited a few seconds for a response but she said nothing. "Is there anything else I can get you?", he asked.
There was still no response and he started to get a little worried.
He held onto the towel and walked into the bathroom more, slowly moving towards the shower. "Em, are you alright?", he asked, having his voice let her know he was walking up so he didn't scare her. Still with no answer, he approached the large walk-in shower and saw her sitting on the ground of it with her back against the wall. Her hair was wet and slicked back and she had her knees brought up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them. Her head was buried in her knees, the water barely hitting her.
Once again, Hotch didn't want to smother her so he asked her one more time, "Emily, are you okay?" When he still got no response , he set the towel down and walked in, not even caring that his boxers got wet from the shower.
He crouched down next to her and looked all around her body to make sure nothing had happened to her. He brought his voice down to a hushed tone. "Emily, are you hurt? Did something happen?", he asked. He kept his hands off her at first but when she still wouldn't say anything, he put his hand on her back. "Em, you're worrying me.", he said.
She finally brought her head up and rested her chin on her knees. She didn't turn to face him so he moved in front of her and cocked his head to make eye contact with her. He brought his hand from her back up to her head and gently placed his lips on it.
She still didn't speak but didn't pull away either. She closed her eyes and he couldn't stand to watch her like that anymore. He moved to behind her and sat down with his back against the wall. He opened his legs and pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and held her tight. She leaned back into him a bit and grabbed his arms, pulling them tighter around her and holding on. He felt her shaking and heard her sniffle. He kissed her shoulder and dropped his head over it, resting it next to her head.
"It's okay, hun. I'm right here.", he whispered. He kissed the side of her head and pressed his forehead to it. He felt her grip on his arms tighten as she squeezed him and he suddenly heard her cry.
He'd seen her cry before but never sobbing except for one time over the phone and she was having an anxiety attack that time too. But it wasn't anything like this. He'd never seen her like this and his heart broke. Even though they were both wet, he could still feel a tear running down from his own eyes.
"It's okay. You're okay. You're safe. I'm right here with you.", he said.
After a while, she calmed down and he still
had his head rested against hers over her shoulder. He kept it there even when she finally spoke.
"Thank you...", she whispered.
"You scared me.", he said, nuzzling his head against hers more.
"I'm sorry, sweetie.", she said.
"Don't ever apologize about this. Ever.", he said.
"Why are you so willing to do this?", she asked.
"Because I love you.", he told her.
"But you don't deserve having to deal with this or take care of me.", she said.
"You are not something I have to deal with. You are not something I just put up with. Don't ever think that.", he said.
"You don't deserve this. You didn't sign up for anything of this.", she said.
"When I fell in love with you, I fell in love with all of you, every part of you. When I decided I wanted to be with you, I accepted all of you, every part of you. That's not going to change. This doesn't make me love you any less.", he said.
"I hope you know I feel the same way.", she said.
"I do.", he said, kissing her head again.
"Okay, let's get out now. I got you soaked and wasted a lot of water.", she said standing up with him. He reached outside the shower and grabbed her towel. He wrapped it around her from behind and held her tight.
"Don't worry about any of that. That doesn't matter. What matters is you. Are you feeling any better?", he asked.
"Yeah, I think I am. Thank you.", she said.
"Good, now let's get changed.", he said as they walked out into the bedroom. "I think you're out of clean clothes but you can wear some of my sweats and a shirt.", he said grabbing them and a dry pair of boxers for himself, along with pajama pants but no shirt.
Once they were fully clothed, they went downstairs to the kitchen. She sat down at the table with one leg up on the chair, her knee to her chest, as he pulled out ingredients to make breakfast.
"What are you gonna make?", she asked.
"You've never tried my crepes, have you?", he asked.
"I didn't even know you could make them.", she said.
"Well, now you do and you're about to try them. I think they're pretty good but be honest.", he told her.
"I promise.", she said.
He sat down at the table and served their breakfast, bringing her silverware and a napkin along with her glass of water.
"Thanks, hun. Wow. These look delicious.", she said.
"I hope they are.", he said as they both took a bite.
"Oh my god. These are amazing.", she said, covering her mouth while she finished her bite.
"Chef Prentiss approval?", he asked.
"Definitely.", she said.
He smiled at her and she laughed, "What?"
"You just look really cute in my clothes.", he said.
"They're very comfy. I might just keep them.", she said.
He glared at her and she giggled, "Alright, fine. I'll give them back.", she rolled her eyes.
"Em, can we talk about earlier?", he asked.
"What about it?", she said.
"Was it something I did or something I said that triggered you?", he asked.
"It was nothing you did... I can't prevent you from saying certain things. It's not even always anything in particular that will cause it. Sometimes it's just things that remind me of... stuff and there's no way to predict that or say a certain topic is off limits because it can be different things at different times that really does it... That probably doesn't make sense...", she said.
"No, it does. Can I ask you what it was that I said that did it this time?", he said.
"I don't want you to feel like it was your fault. Because it wasn't.", she said.
"I don't want to be afraid to say something wrong all the time or fear something might... upset you.", he said.
She bit her lip and looked over to the side and slightly nodded her head before looking back at him. "Okay. But I don't want you to feel like you can't talk about this topic ever because part of it didn't do anything. Part of it, I talk about sometimes and it doesn't bring it up. In fact, I was talking about this topic with JJ last night and I've talked about it with you too before. Sometimes it just happens, sometimes it doesn't. So I don't want to say certain things are off limits, okay?", she said.
"Okay.", he nodded.
"This time it was when you asked me if I'd ever been with a man your age before. That's literally it. Like I said, you and I have talked about it and JJ and I were talking about it last night and nothing happened then. So don't feel like it was you who caused any of this, please.", she said.
"Are you sure?", he asked.
"Yes, completely. In fact, I'll answer the question right now.", she said.
"No, Emily, you don't have to, really.", he said, putting his hand up.
"No. I'm fine. I want to be able to share stuff like this with you.", she said.
"I don't want it to-", he started.
"It won't. I told you. I'm fine. So. To answer your question, yes. I have been with one other guy your age. It wasn't too long ago. It was complicated. It was kind of a serious relationship. Actually, it was very complicated. I'm glad it ended. I guess you could say I wasn't fully in it. It wasn't healthy for many reasons and I'm not sure if it was worth it or not. Sometimes I feel like I regret it.", she said.
"Being with him or ending it?", he asked.
"Honestly... both. Like I said, it was very complicated and a lot of different factors played a role in both starting the relationship and ending it.", she said.
"Can I ask you why it triggers you so much? Maybe I can make sure-", he started.
"No, honey, you- you can't do that to yourself...", she said and reached her hand out for his. "It was a hard time in my life. I made a lot of crazy decisions and took a lot of risks that I'm still unsure about having done. But you can't do anything about that. I know you want to fix it but you can't. And that's okay. It's my own thing and I'll work it out. If you really want to help me, just be here. Your support and presence is what helps me the most.", she said.
"Did he hurt you?", he asked.
"No. I've never had any trauma like that in my life so don't worry about triggering anything related to that, okay?", she said.
He just looked down and nodded. She could tell he felt bad there was nothing he could do so she walked over to him and sat on his lap. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and grabbed his face under his chin, holding his jaw and brought his lips to hers with her other hand.
"I. Love. You.", she said.
"I love you too, babe.", he said, rubbing her back and holding onto her legs on his lap.
"Thank you for being there for me earlier and the way that you were. Nobody has ever been like that for me before. When I told JJ that no one compares to you and you're better and more impressive in many respects... I didn't just mean in bed. I mean everything you do for me. You as a person, everything about you is different from anyone I've ever been with. It's better. You're better. Although, that other part is true too. But I'm sure you already knew that.", she giggled.
"Yeah, you've told me once or twice.", he chuckled, letting her guide his lips to hers again. "Em, you need to eat more. You're so light. I can easily pick you up."
"I do eat! I never hear you complaining when I'm on top, so...", she said.
"Well how often does that actually happen?", he asked.
"It would happen more if you didn't flip me over every time, not that I'm complaining about that either though. I like it when you take control.", she kissed him.
"Mmmm really?", he asked, smiling against her lips before joining them again.
"Mmhmm.", she hummed into them.
Next thing she knew, he was picking her up and carrying her upstairs while she wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed his neck.
They got to the bed and fell onto it. Hovering over her for only a few seconds before she said, "Why don't we switch things up a bit like you said?", she flipped him over and got on top.
"Okay, yeah you're right. I have no complaints here.", he said.
"Didn't think so.", she told him.
Half an hour later they laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. He held her hand but then pulled her into him and rested her head on the pillow next to him.
"We need to get new hobbies.", he laughed.
"Why? I think this is fun and I never get sick of it.", she said.
"Me neither but don't you think we should still find other things to do?", he asked.
"Maybe but I like this a lot more than anything else. And it's good for you. It releases endorphins, creating pleasure for both of us. Or at least, I hope for both of us. It sure seemed like it a few minutes ago but...", she said.
"No. Definitely both us. Definitely.", he said.
"Aaron?", she asked.
"Yeah?", he said.
"I want you to know you can have your moments too around me. Even just in general. I feel like you never let yourself feel a lot of things.", she said.
"I feel things. I feel love for you every second of the day. And for Jack. I feel happy when I see you both, even when I think of you. You and Jack are probably two of the most important people in my life. You guys make me feel so many things.", he said.
"I know but I never see you break down. I've seen you cry twice. I've seen you throw people down on the ground before and yell at them, usually just unsubs.", she laughed. "But I've never seen you really break down. It's okay to have moments where you're not okay. I don't want to feel like the only one in this relationship who does. Not that I want you to be unhappy. But it's healthy to let it out sometimes. And I'm here for when that happens.", she said.
"I cried when we were in the shower earlier and I was holding you. Seeing you like that... I cried.", he said.
"You did?", she asked.
"Yeah, Em. It broke my heart. It actually hurt really bad to see you in pain like that. To see you struggling and I'm here for it. I'm here for you no matter what is happening or what you're going through.", he said.
"I am too. I just wish you would let me. I wish you wouldn't bottle so much up inside.", she said.
"If I ever have a moment, you'll be the first person I call.", he said, making them both laugh.
"We're both pretty damaged, huh?", she said.
"A little bit, yeah.", he chuckled.
"Maybe we were meant to be together.", she said.