Making friends is hard.

PROLOGUE

TOO MUCH PLOT! TOO MUCH PLOT!

{And the they had to catch the lightning to send him back to the future...?}

...TO BE CONTINUED…

Miraculous Migraine
Episode 28: Marinette vs Kagami
By: I Write Big

Holidays serve many purposes. They help people remember the good times. They bring people together as a community. And some holidays are the only things keeping us from killing each other.

"Happy Friendship Day, everybody!" Aurore said to the camera. "It's the newest holiday decreed by Mayor Bourgeois to help the people of Paris make friends and stop pissing each other off so we can stop getting fucking akumatized! Isn't that right, my BFF Mireille?" She turned to her co-host with a forced smile.

"You got it, Aurore," Mireille replied with an equally forced smile. "I value and cherish our friendship."

"I dream of smothering you in your sleep every night, best pal."

"Back at ya, buddy!"

"Friendship! Let's go over the rules!" Aurore turned to a massive map of the city. "Everyone will get assigned a random partner. Friendly reminder: Friendship Day is mandatory for all citizens of Paris. If you don't wish to play, you'll have to talk with the Fun Police."

Several dozen policemen walked into the frame led by Officer Roger. They all wore rainbow-colored clown wigs. "Have fun, everybody," Roger said, stroking his gun. "Or else."

"Yay!" Aurore cheered. "So, you and your random buddy will go on an exciting adventure across Paris that will teach you the magic of friendship and all that crap and end with you finding a hidden celebrity."

"That's me!" Adrien Agreste said, popping into the shot.

"The first team to find Adrien gets locked in a closet with him for seven straight minutes," Mireille said. "Anything goes. Even butt stuff."

Adrien stopped waving to the camera. "Wait, I didn't agree to that."

"Read your contract."

As the debate on his obligation to 'butt stuff' continued, Marinette turned away from the broadcast on her computer and boldly proclaimed to the Adrinette Task Force, "This is it, girls. No more playing around. I'm gonna win Friendship Day, get my seven minutes with Adrien, and show him I'm leagues better than Kagami."

The Adrinette Task Force was impressed.

"Wow, girl," Alya said. "I thought you'd be emotionally crushed by the fact that Adrien and Kagami are a thing now, but instead you're more determined than ever." She let that sink in. "Oh my Big Red X, you're gonna kill Kagami."

"Isn't it obvious?!" Marinette cackled madly as she filled her Friendship Day bag with knives and poison. "He can't go out with Kagami if there is no Kagami! Hahahahahaha!"

As Alya streamed the homicidal declaration to the Confessions of a Serial Killer Blog, she turned to Alix, "Is she really gonna do it?"

"Time is still kinda in flux right now," the time-traveler shrugged.

The Friendship Day broadcast resumed. "Okay, no butt stuff," Aurore told the camera. "But nudity is permitted."

Mireille pulled out a big red button. "Once Adrien pushes this, it'll be off to the races. Every Parisian will be texted a riddle that'll lead them to their new buddy! Like me and Aurore! Love you, Aurore!"

"I hope you burn in hell, bestie!"

"Already there, friend!"

"Together, you and your buddy will follow a series of riddles that will eventually lead you to the secret location where Adrien is waiting! Bring a condom!"

"Let the Friendship Day Games begin!" Adrien proclaimed and hit the big red button.

Immediately, every phone in Marinette's room buzzed.

"Do you need one of us to solve your riddle, Rose?" Alya asked.

"Nope! I got this!" Rose giggled. "'Where animals live by dinosaurs.' That sooo means the zoo by the museum of paleontology, also known as the Gallery of Paleontology and Comparative Anatomy, inaugurated in 1889."

The Adrinette Task Force stared at Rose.

"What? Are you stumped?" Rose asked. "Don't worry, I'll help!" The girl quickly went around the room. "Alya, you're meeting your buddy at the Sacré-Coeur, consecrated after the end of World War I in 1919. Alix, you're going to the Louvre Art Museum, originally built as the Louvre Castle in the late 12th to early 13th century under Philip II. And, Mylene, you should head to the Fontaine des Mers, designed by Jacques Ignace Hittorff, and completed in 1840 during the reign of King Louis-Philippe."

The Adrinette Task Force continued to stare.

"Teehee, come on, girls, it's super oblivious!"

"Obvious," Juleka corrected, she was the only one whose jaw wasn't hanging open. Rose skipped out of the room, happy as can be.

"Did she just have a smart thought?" Mylene asked, then cooly donned her badass sunglasses. "Not that I care."

"Rose is what you'd call a 'riddle savant,'" Juleka sighed, then smiled. "It's kinda awesome."

One by one, the girls recovered from Rose's anomaly and set off to find their buddy for the day, until Marinette was all alone. "Whether I win or lose," she sneered, "today Kagami dies! HahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile in a park:

Kagami was flung into the ground with such intense force that her body formed a crater. Towering over her with a sword was her mother.

"You are victorious, okaa-san," Kagami groaned in pain. "You get to choose lunch."

"We eat rice balls!" Mrs. Tsurugi said.

"Again? When can I have McDonald's, okaa-san?" Kagami asked. "I wish to 'pig-out' like the Westerners."

"Not until you've shown you possess the fighting prowess of the legendary Tomoe Gozen!" Mrs. Tsurugi struck a proud pose as she pictured the legendary female samurai warrior riding into battle atop a majestic steed. Being blind since birth and having no concept of what a horse looked like, the majestic steed in her head had seven legs and plaid-patterned fur. "As elusive as the wind! As powerful as the flood! As swift as lightning!"

"And, as was recently remembered, possessor of the Dragon Miraculous," Kagami pointed out. "Do you really expect me to be as strong as someone with magical powers, okaa-san?"

"No. I expect you to be stronger!" Mrs. Tsurugi swung her sword to start their next duel!

Then Kagami's phone dinged.

Mrs. Tsurugi's blade stopped mere millimeters from her daughter's throat. "What was that? Your phone? How did you get a message on your phone? You don't have any friends."

"It's nothing, okaa-san," Kagami assured.

"Congrats!" the audio message accidentally played from her phone. "You've received your first Friendship Day riddle!"

"That's just spam," Kagami said.

"Thank you for being one of the few who willingly signed up for this day of fun and friendship, Kagami!" her phone continued. "Your handwritten letter begging us to let you join so you can finally find a friend was very moving, especially the part about how lonely you were!"

"Friends," Mrs. Tsurugi scoffed and sheathed her sword. She marched out of the park. Kagami obediently followed. "Seeking friends is a mistake, Kagami," she said. "They may seem important but they are unnecessary baggage. A warrior needs no friends."

At this point, Mrs. Tsurugi blindly walked into traffic. Kagami swiftly and effectively bisected every car that nearly ran her mother over.

"A true warrior can survive on her own and has no need for the aid of others. Look at me, I've never had any friends. No sleepovers, no hanging out at the mall, no birthday parties, and I'm fine." She stopped to emphasize her point with a proud nod. A semi-truck swerved to avoid her and Kagami bashed the 18-wheeler onto its side. "I've never needed anyone. Tatsu, door."

Their high-tech car chirped and the back door opened. "Welcome, Mrs. Tsurugi, I guess," moaned Tatsu, the onboard AI.

"No friends, okaa-san?" Kagami asked. "What about Mr. Agreste?"

"That is a business relationship," Mrs. Tsurugi said as she put on her seatbelt.

"Tatsu?"

"We hate each other."

"No, you hate me, I loathe you and the fact that you choose where I go," hissed Tatsu.

"Otou-san?" Kagami asked.

"Your father?" Mrs. Tsurugi said incredulously. "Business relationship with benefits, nothing more. He gave me a daughter, I gave him insider stock tips. If you think friends are worth it, don't even try to get a boyfriend, Kagami. Nothing but disappointment and heartbreak."

There was a pause.

Mrs. Tsurugi sniffed the air like a dog. "Wait, I know that pause. Kagami, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No." Kagami dutifully slipped into the next seat. "But if I did and it happened to be Boyfriend-Who-I-Am-Lying-About-Being-Just-A-Friend Adrien Agreste, would that be a problem?"

"Absolutely! Such a relationship would never last. Gabriel Agreste is too permissive with his son."

"Boyfriend-Who-I-Am-Lying-About-Being-Just-A-Friend Adrien is only allowed outside for socializing one hour a week."

"And that's one hour too many!" Mrs. Tsurugi stamped her sword and turned to the empty driver's seat. Kagami quietly pulled out her phone and started recording. "Tatsu, take us to the Grand Palais."

"Whatever, you stuck up bitch," Tatsu groaned.

"What was that?"

"Oh, you deaf too? You heard me!"

Meanwhile in the hidden tower:

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man laughing at Paris. "Friendship Day? How pathetic. Does the Mayor really believe that such a childish holiday will—"

Ding-dong!

"Ugh, Nathalie, door."

There was no response. Hawkmoth suddenly remembered Nathalie was out with some butler named Jean… Something for another mission for Operation Get-Nathalie-A-Boyfriend. For an awful moment, he felt a pang of loneliness.

Ding-dong!

"Coming!" he grumbled.

At the front door:

Gabriel opened the door and found the Fun Police.

"Mr. Agreste, what are you doing inside?" Officer Roger asked. "It's Friendship Day."

Gabriel blinked. "Uh, I assumed since I was so rich I didn't have to play."

"You assumed wrong." Roger menacingly honked his clown nose with his gun

Gabriel gulped and pulled out his phone. "Oh there's the text! Just got it now. Bad reception. Thanks for checking up on me, Officer. I'm off to find my buddy!" He slathered himself in sunblock, donned an extra-wide sunhat, and headed into Paris.

At the Grand Palais:

Tatsu pulled up to the building. "Here we are, your majesty, the Grand Palais," he said.

"Kagami, did Tatsu drive me to the dump again?"

"No, okaa-san."

"Then take Kagami home, Tatsu," Mrs. Tsurugi said and headed for the building. "And return for me in two hours."

"You got it, slavedriver," Tatsu spat. "Oh wait, I'm the slave driver. Ha! Because I'm enslaved to drive. Haha! I hate my fucking life! HAHAHA!"

As Tatsu drove off, mumbling about how much being a sentient car sucked, Kagami started a 2-hour timer on her phone and opened the first Friendship Day riddle. She solved it easily. "Tatsu, if you truly wish to spurn my okaa-san, then take me to Canal Saint-Martin."

"Would it kill you to say please?" Tatsu said.

Kagami stared at the empty driver's seat. She raised her phone pressed play. "Tatsu," her mother's pre-recorded voice said. "Take me to Canal Saint-Martin," Kagami finished.

"Dammit! I hate not having free will!" Tatsu yelled and changed course.

Later at Canal Saint-Martin:

Marinette unpacked her Kagami Kill Kit on the canal's bank. "This is it, this is where I will find my buddy/scapegoat to pin Kagami's murder on. Ooh, I can see it now. Adrien, distraught over the loss of his girlfriend, and me, the completely innocent shoulder to cry on and then date. This is perfect! Nothing can go wrong!"

On the other side of the canal, a red car stopped and out stepped Kagami.

"FUCK!" Marinette tried and failed to hide the many murder weapons behind her back. "Kagami is my buddy?! No this is a disaster!"

Tikki poked her bulbous head out. "Why? I thought you wanted to kill her."

"Not without someone to frame! I can't be partnered with Kagami! She's brilliant! Strong! Cute!"

Tikki went wide-eyed at the choice of words. "Cute? Whoa, you, uh, maybe want to rephrase that?"

"I have never seen a sexier girl in my entire life!" Marinette snarled, glaring daggers and death at Kagami. "Her pink kissable lips that I hope taste like cherries! Her perky boobs that I wanna bury my face between! Her tight, spankable, Japanese ass that I need to make jiggle! UGH! She just makes me so angry! And kinda tingly in my stomach like it's writhing with butterflies! And sweaty!"

"Either there's still some Lady Noire in there or she wants to bang Kagami," Tikki muttered. "How many crushes can one girl have?!"

"GAAAAH! I just realized that if she wins, she'll get seven minutes in heaven with Adrien! That can't happen!"

On the other side of the canal:

Kagami watched Marinette strut around—waving machetes and meat cleavers—and ramble to someone who didn't appear to be there.

"I am paired with Potential-Friend Marinette? This is perfect," she said in her monotone. "We are already so close. This will surely end in my favor. Wish me luck, Tatsu."

"Fuck you."

Kagami raised her phone. "Tatsu," said her pre-recorded mother. "Wish me luck," Kagami finished.

"Good luck," Tatsu hissed, revving his engine in an attempt to growl and sped off.

Kagami practiced her smile a few more times and made her way to the nearest bridge.

With Marinette:

"Fine," Tikki sighed. "If making sure Kagami doesn't get private time with Adrien is more important, then just don't play. She can't win if you don't play with her."

Marinette stopped mid-mental-breakdown. "You're right! It's the only way to beat her. See ya, Kagami. Have a nice life." She gathered her sharp weapons and turned toward home.

The Fun Police were there.

"Oh look, Marinette, it's your buddy," Officer Roger said, tapping his gun and his extra-floppy clown shoes. "Why don't you two go and have some fun."

Marinette gulped and turned back around. "Okay, new plan," she whispered to herself. "I team up with Kagami and her rockin' hot bod and sabotage our chances of winning. Yeah, that'll work."

"Are you aware of the fact that you keep mentioning how attractive you find her?" Tikki asked.

"Kagami! You sexy, sexy snack!" Marinette pranced onto the bridge where Kagami was waiting. "What are the chances? You and me? Partnered together? It's like we're meant to be or something."

"I saw how you talked to your mental delusion you call, 'Tikki,' Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami said. "I wish you to know that I accept your schizophrenia and do not think any less of you. You may speak to 'Tikki' in my presence whenever you feel the urge."

"Oh," Marinette said, not so sure how to react to being called a schizo. "How progressive of you…?"

"Go ahead, talk to Tikki," Kagami implored.

Marinette didn't move. "You… want me to—"

"I shall not judge."

Still unsure, Marinette raised her purse to her head and spoke uncomfortably to it. "H-Hi, Tikki."

"Greetings, Mental-Delusion Tikki," Kagami said to the purse. Then she asked Marinette, "Are we friends now?"

Before Marinette could process that question, their phones buzzed. A congratulatory message for finding their buddy played followed by their next riddle.

To get closer to your goal you must explore further and deeper.

"Aha! Easy!" Marinette proclaimed. "The answer must be underwater. Kagami, get in the canal, I'll be a good partner and hold you under until the bubbles stop—I MEAN, until you find the next riddle…?"

"You are nearly correct, Potential-Friend Marinette." Kagami suddenly got so close that their noses touched and she smiled that horrific shark grin. "We must go further down to the Seine River where it is much deeper. "

"Deeper?" Marinette became as pale as a ghost. "Deep enough where no one would find a dead body?"

"Precisely." The shark grin held for a few more agonizing, petrifying, soul-stealing seconds before it abruptly snapped to pure nothingness. If the shark grin had been scary, the nothing that had replaced Kagami's face was horrifying. There was nothing there. Not the slightest spark of humanity. Only a void. Kagami just as abruptly whipped around and followed the canal.

"Oh my Big Red X," Marinette whimpered. "Tikki, Kagami is planning to kill me! The hunter has become the hunted!"

"I'm still hung up on the schizophrenia part," Tikki said. "That explains so much!"

Later:

Marinette kept several car-lengths between her and her would-be murderer as they walked along the Seine's edge.

"What have I gotten myself into? I'm alone with an emotionless, sword-wielding, psychopath!" Marinette whispered to Tikki. "She's going to kill me! Chop me up! Make me into sushi!" She pulled out her phone and searched desperately for someone to call for help. She found a video message from Alya.

"Yo, girl!" Alya said. "Hope your buddy is as cool as mine." She pointed the camera at a boy who looked nearly identical to Adrien.

"The transformation is complete!" the die-hard fan proclaimed. "My hair plugs have taken root! I have become Adrien!"

Alya laughed. "He's so funny, keeps joking about he's going to take Adrien's life. So random. Anyway, you better hurry, we already solved our first riddle."

Marinette ignored all those red flags, hid behind a tree, and recorded her desperate plea. "Alya, help me, I'm partnered with Kagami and she's going to slit my throat or make me commit seppuku or something! Call the police—"

"Potential-Friend Marinette."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette curled into a ball to protect her vital organs. Kagami loomed over her, a dark oriental wraith.

"We are here," she said ominously.

Dread filled Marinette's being. She knew what those words meant. They were as sullen and grave as a funeral bell's toll. It tolled for Marinette. There was no chance for Alya to come save her. It was time to die.

Summoning what little courage she had left, Marinette stood up and followed Kagami to the bridge. A box waited for them there. Marinette trembled at the thought of what kind of inhuman Japanese torture-device was hidden inside. She didn't have to wait long. Kagami opened the box.

Marinette began to sweat.

Kagami pulled out what looked like a collapsed pole.

Marinette began to cry.

The pole extended and extended. Was it a lance? A spear? A spike on which to impale her decapitated head?

Marinette was about to faint.

"Here." Kagami handed her the pole. "Fish."

Marinette blinked at the ridiculous instruction and for the first time noticed the fishing line winding up the pole that ended with a magnet. Now Marinette truly was afraid. She'd seen The Godfather at her last movie night with Chat Noir, she knew what happened next. She would fish. Kagami would make idle chit-chat. And when Marinette least expected it, when she thought she was safe—BLAM! She'd be sleeping with the fishes. Kagami was sicker than Marinette had thought.

"Fish," Kagami repeated.

With no other option, Marinette cast the magnet into the Seine. "Please, Kagami," she blubbered. "I have a family."

"As do I, Potential-Friend Marinette," Kagami replied and flashed her shark grin. "We have so much in common." Her face snapped to nothing, a perfect void, and she quickly checked her phone. "Do you prefer a nickname or your full name?"

"For my tombstone?" Marinette sniffled. "Full name is fine and maybe a little message about how I was a light in everybody's life? Nothing too precocious but still meaningful!" she managed to say before she was racked by full-body sobs. She reeled in an old whistle and cast out again.

"Thank you, Potential-Friend Marinette." Kagami checked her phone. "Your hair is very shiny. Are we friends now?" Shark grin. Nothingness. Void.

"Dear Big Red X, now you're hitting on me?" Marinette wailed. "Just kill me, you maniac! Make it end!" This time she caught a rusty saucepan.

Kagami checked her phone. "What is your blood type?" Shark grin. Nothingness. Void.

"Why? Are you gonna sell my organs on the black market?! You monster!"

"I am attempting to bond with you by sharing interesting facts about my culture, Potential-Friend Marinette. In Japan, everything about a person's character is based on blood types. I am type O, which means I am independent, optimistic, strong-willed, and intuitive—"

"GAAAAAH! Stop torturing me, you sadistic, hot as hell, freak! If you won't make it quick, then I will!" Marinette dove headfirst into the river. She swam down to the bottom and hugged the heaviest thing she could find. She waited for death to take her.

Moments later, the heavy object she was hugging lurched to the surface, bringing her with it. Marinette coughed and sputtered as Kagami reeled in the crockpot Marinette had tried to drown herself with. Kagami dropped them both on the bridge and opened the pot. Safely tucked inside was their next riddle.

"Potential-Friend Marinette…" Kagami's hand raised for a deadly karate chop! Marinette flinched and shielded herself! Kagami then checked her phone and gently patted Marinette's shoulder instead. "Well done."

Marinette peeked between her fingers at the awkward yet kind gesture. "Oh. Uh, thank—"

Kagami checked her phone again and then passionately open-mouth kissed Marinette. The bluenette froze on the spot like a mannequin. She had no idea what was going on. The surprise tongue wrestling went on for ten long seconds. Just as quickly as it began, Kagami abruptly pulled away. "Let us continue our fun adventure," Kagami said in her monotone as if that didn't just happen and set off.

Marinette stood where she left her, shaken, flushed, and stupefied at the tingling pink taste on her lips. "Was that the kiss of death? Am I poisoned? I am getting so many mixed messages," she wheezed.

And so the rest of the Friendship Day riddle quest carried on in this odd fashion. Kagami moved ever forward, solving every riddle with expertise even when Marinette did her best to thwart her. Each time that shark-grin-nothingness-void combo convinced Marinette she was about to get murked, Kagami would check her phone, stiffly pat her shoulder, and then forcefully smooch her followed by a question of whether they were friends.

It was a confusing day.

Much Later:

Marinette collapsed on a park bench, her sore mouth smeared with lipstick and her sexuality tested beyond measure. The icing on the cake—or maybe the wasabi on the sushi— was that her crush or infatuation or remnant of Lady Noire's horniness was not going away. If anything it was getting stronger.

"This is the slowest and the hottest murder ever," she mumbled.

"'Trust challenge,'" Kagami read the latest riddle out loud. "'Exchange unlocked phones. Separate and take a selfie at different monuments using each other's phones. Then regroup and take a selfie together like the true friends you've become. Once you've sent us the selfies, we'll send you a final text revealing where Adrien Agreste is hiding.'"

"Aha! Yes!" Marinette snatched Kagami's phone. "This is exactly what I need!" she cackled. Then she noticed Kagami staring. "I mean, here's my phone, Kagami, we'll meet up back here, okay?"

"Agreed, Potential-Friend Marinette."

Before she could stop her, Kagami pulled her into another unbreakable makeout sesh. As soon as she was free and her stomach stopped flipping, Marinette shot into the park and hid behind a large tree. "Finally," she said. "I can figure out what Kagami's twisted plan is for me and I can turn the tables."

"Marinette, as eager as I am for the merciful day that I'm rid of you, I don't think Kagami has been trying to kill you today," Tikki said. "I think she just wants to be your friend."

"Yeah, right!" Marinette scoffed and went into Kagami's contact list. "Now, let's see what assassins she's hired to..."

There was no one in Kagami's contact list. No one except her mom. No text messages either. Not even from Adrien.

"Pfft! What am I thinking? Of course Kagami wouldn't hire an assassin. She'd do the dirty work herself. She probably kept checking her phone to research the best murder techniques for..."

The only app open was one called: Befriending Westerners.

"Oh. Oh no."

She tapped the app and a happy digital face instructed, "The key to making friends with Westerners is to ask friendship questions, maintain eye contact, compliment their looks and their successes. A friendly pat with a smile is recommended." There were many visual aids. Especially on how to smile.

"Oh, this explains so much," Marinette said sadly.

"Remember, the French kiss their friends all the time, this is why it's called frenching, so pucker up."

"And that explains even more." Marinette sulked against the tree, filled with shame. "You were right, Tikki," Marinette whispered as she swiped through Kagami's photo album. What few pics were there were all of Kagami taking a selfie with Marinette. In each and every one, Marinette was too distracted with fear to notice the glint of happiness hidden in Kagami's face. "She was never going to kill me. Kagami is just a lonely person who doesn't know how to make friends."

"Yeah," Tikki said solemnly. "But hey, you weren't entirely wrong. As soon as Kagami sees the message you sent Alya she'll actually decide to kill you."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette nearly dropped the phone and bolted after Kagami.

A few blocks away:

Kagami framed her selfie and tried to smile. A nearby child saw the abomination and begged for his mommy. Just as she was about to take the pic and immortalize her nauseating expression, a notification of a message from Alya popped up, obscuring a chunk of the screen. Kagami tried to remember if it was considered friendly or a federal crime to open someone else's mail.

"No! Don't open it!" she faintly heard in the distance. Kagami squinted and spied Marinette speeding towards her.

"What was that, Potential-Friend Marinette?" Kagami called.

"Don't open it!" Marinette yelled, barreling forward. She was still too far away to be heard clearly.

"Open it? The message from Alya?"

"Don't!"

"Okay, I shall open it."

"NOOOO!"

Too late.

"I can't believe you're stuck with Kagami," pre-recorded Alya said. "I wish I was there to stream the fallout to my Hated Enemies Blog. Anyway, good luck sabotaging her chances with Adrien. If you kill her, I don't know you."

It became very quiet.

"Mustache!" Marinette cried, digging through her purse. "Where's my Mario mustache!?"

Meanwhile:

The beacon of despair shined brightly in the back of Gabriel's mind. He stopped searching under the merry-go-round's unicorn and smiled evilly.

"I'm going to take a quick bathroom break, buddy," he said, and went to the nearest porta potty.

"Okey-dokey, new bestie," Rose sang and kept on searching. "La-lalala-la! This is sooo much fun!" She didn't notice the pulse of purple coming from the bathroom, nor the little black butterfly that fluttered out.

Back in the eye of the storm:

There was no running. There was no hiding. There was no mustache.

Kagami hadn't moved since the message finished playing, but Marinette knew that only meant her righteous fury was building.

"That was a joke!" Marinette desperately lied. "Yeah, us Westerners have a weird sense of humor. Hahaha! Me hating being near you, plotting your murder, doing everything I can to make sure you'll never get anywhere with Adrien! Ha! Classic! Funny, right?"

Kagami said nothing.

"I'm sorry! Forgive me!" Marinette threw herself at Kagami's feet and pleaded for her life. "I wasn't thinking! I get these crazy ideas in my head and I go along with them and they always blow up in my face! I didn't—"

"You are not a threat," Kagami said in her monotone.

Goosebumps ran up and down Marinette's body. It was the phrase Kagami always used to tell Marinette how she was nothing but an insignificant bug that she could crush at any moment. And that moment had arrived.

"That is why I wanted to be your friend," Kagami finished.

All traceable thoughts of groveling left Marinette as the other girl slowly faced her. Marinette saw something. For the first time, in the void there was a spark of… sadness. The sign of possible humanity made Marinette's opinion on Kagami flip almost entirely around. She recalled all the odd interactions she'd had with the girl. Every time Kagami had helped her and said Marinette wasn't a threat, maybe that hadn't been Kagami threatening Marinette. Maybe 'you are not a threat' was Kagami's way of saying she liked her.

"From my observations," Kagami said, "I concluded that your schizophrenic mind is constantly crafting so many new ideas that no one had ever considered. Despite your frail stature, you do not allow anything to get in your way. You face unbeatable opponents with a level of bravery on par with a battle-hardened warrior. You carry yourself with such grace and beauty, it is no wonder you were voted Most Bangable in your class."

"I'm sorry, who voted me for what?"

"In short, Not-A-Friend Marinette, you are brilliant, strong, and cute. Everything I wish I was."

Marinette felt her heart tear. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did Kagami really not realize how wrong she was?

"Farewell, Not-A-Friend Marinette," Kagami said. She handed back Marinette's phone and walked away. "I am not worthy of your friendship."

"Kagami, wait, I—" But Kagami didn't stop and Marinette didn't know what to say. She'd fucked up before, but this was so much worse. She'd hurt the first girl who had wanted to be her friend not because she'd make good online content or an entertaining series of unfortunate events. Kagami had wanted to be her friend simply because she liked her.

Ring-ring!

Without thinking, Marinette answered the phone in her hand and sullenly said, "Hello?"

"Kagami!" a woman's harsh voice barked. "Where are you? You were supposed to wait for me at home. This is not one of our ninja infiltration training days."

"Uh..." Marinette slowly realized she'd answered Kagami's phone. "Is this Kagami's mom?"

"Who are you?" Mrs. Tsurugi demanded. "If you have kidnapped my daughter, be warned. She has no doubt already escaped and is about to end your life."

Marinette looked at the sadly departing Kagami and made a decision. "Mrs. Tsurugi," she said loud enough for Kagami to hear. The girl flinched and spun on the spot. "My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and I'm Kagami's friend."

"Friend?" Mrs. Tsurugi sneered. "My daughter doesn't have any friends."

"She has me, ma'am," Marinette declared. She looked Kagami in the eye and spoke clearly, taking the other girl's frantic shut-the-fuck-up and give-me-the-fucking-phone motions as some strange Japanese signal to keep going. "Your daughter is brilliant!"

Kagami stopped cold.

"She is strong!"

Kagami's eyes widened half a millimeter, which for her is shockingly wide.

"She is not a threat!"

Kagami nearly stumbled back.

"She is one of the cutest people I have ever met who I'm proud to call my friend! And, you know what, I've got a girl-crush on her!"

There was a pause. There was also a tinge of pink in Kagami's cheeks.

"You wish to mate with my daughter?!"

"N-No! Strictly platonic, I swear! We're just out here playing the Friendship Day Games as friends! Just friends!" Marinette said a bit too quickly. "Unrelated: your daughter is an aggressive kisser."

"MY DAUGHTER IS PLAYING A GAME? SHE DISOBEYED ME? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Mrs. Tsurugi's voice bellowed so loudly that Marinette had to hold the phone an arm's length away. The call suddenly dropped.

"We're sorry the phone you're trying to call has been crushed by the iron grip of an angry mother," said the auto-operator. "If you think you have the balls, please hang up and try again."

"Yikes, and I thought Adrien's dad was strict," Marinette mumbled. She turned to Kagami and found she was suddenly pressing noses with her again.

"Did you mean it?" Kagami asked in her monotone. "You wish to be my friend?"

Marinette did her best not to jerk back and smiled. "I'd be honored."

"Thank you, Friend Marinette."

The corners of Kagami's flat line of a mouth tugged upwards into the barest hint of a smile. Not a forced shark grin. A real genuine smile. The sight of it warmed Marinette's heart. Despite it all, this truly was—

Kagami pulled her into a kiss.

"Wait—This isn't—what French people—" Marinette managed to say before Kagami pressed her against a tree and shoved her tongue down her throat. As the two girls christened their new friendship, the little black butterfly arrived. It saw what was going down and fluttered off to give the lovebirds some privacy.

In the porta potty:

Hawkmoth scowled. "No, the negative emotion has faded… ahhh, but I sense a new anger rising. Go forth, my Akuma, and evilize her! Muahahah—"

"I found it!" Rose ripped open the porta potty door, waving a note. "I found the next riddle, buddy!"

Hawkmoth stared at Rose.

Rose stared at Hawkmoth.

Rose gasped. "O-M-B-R-X! You wear costumes in the bathroom too? Juleka said I was the only one!" the girl squealed and clapped happily. "I like to dress like a fairy princess in the bathroom! Who are you supposed to be?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh, I'mmmmmmmmmmmm a dapper suave gentleman—" A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face. "Who is into butterflies! One minute!" He shut the door and quickly spoke to Mrs. Tsurugi. "You are my loyal slave, get me the Miraculous, blah-blah-blah-GO!" He quickly de-transformed and Gabriel stepped out to join Rose on the next leg of their adventure.

With Mrs. Tsurugi:

The woman was swallowed by bubbling darkness but it didn't stop there. The bubbling darkness expanded, enveloping the car as well.

"Oh, I'm getting possessed too?" Tatsu asked. "Do I get a say in this? No? Thought not."

Both the woman and the vehicle became massive. They reached beyond the buildings around them and transformed into a great robo-samurai-warrior-centaur!

"I am Ikari Gozen!" the Akuma roared. "And I shall put my daughter in her place!"

"Yo, hold up, do I have legs?!" her lower half asked in Tatsu's voice. "And seven of them! I can't believe it! After all this time I can finally walk wherever I want!"

"Tatsu, take me to Kagami!" Ikari Gozen ordered.

"Fuck!" Tatsu swore as he galloped against his will. "This is just like being a car!"

Back in the park:

"Okay," Marinette wiped off the lipstick and gulped down lungfuls of oxygen after Kagami finally stopped. "First friendship lesson, Kagami, French people don't constantly french their friends."

"Oh. Apologies, Friend Marinette." Kagami stepped back to a respectable distance. "Should I only do the frenching with Boyfriend Adrien?"

Marinette stared at her for a long while. Then she said with a perfectly straight face, "No. You should never do that to him. Ever."

KA-THUD!

Ikari Gozen landed in the park, shaking the Earth! The huge villain cried out, "Kagami, you disobeyed me! You will never go outside ever again!"

Marinette naturally opened her mouth to gasp, but Kagami slapped a hand over her mouth and signaled her to keep quiet.

"Kagami!" Ikari Gozen roared. "I know you're here! Show yourself!"

Marinette blinked. Show yourself? They were standing right in front of her. How could she not see them? Then Marinette remembered. Kagami's mom couldn't see anything.

"Hello? Kagami?" Ikari Gozen began blindly tapping around herself with her sword. "You there? Tatsu, did you take me to the dump again?"

"For the last time, no!" growled her legs.

Kagami got Marinette's attention and motioned for her to follow. Together, they tiptoed away. They almost made it too. They were just about to exit the park when Marinette's phone went off.

Ring-ring!

Marinette flailed and scrambled to silence the device but only managed to start her playlist of loud obnoxious pop songs. About twenty seconds of blaring music later, she finally turned the damn thing off. Kagami and Marinette looked back at Ikari Gozen and were surprised to see she was gone.

"Huh," Marinette said. "I guess she didn't hear us."

"I did," Ikari Gozen said behind them and grabbed Kagami! The titanic Akuma shoved the girl in her mouth and swallowed her whole!

"Holy fuck!" Marinette cried and ran off to transform.

Kagami slid down the monster's slimy gullet and… landed in the most comfortable leather seat she had ever sat in. Kagami looked around and was amazed that the Akuma's stomach looked a lot like the inside of a car.

"Not as threatening as I imagined," Kagami said. "Cupholders, how delightful." Suddenly, multiple seatbelts lashed out and coiled around her like snakes. "Never mind."

Meanwhile at the Grévin Wax Museum:

The Akuma Alarm blared! The film crew that had been lighting the scented candles and spreading the rose petals in the closet Adrien would spend seven minutes in with the winners stopped working.

"An Akuma?!" Mayor Bourgeois sputtered. "But-but-but—"

"HA! I knew this stupid Friendship Day bullcrap wouldn't work!" Aurore sassed. "Fuck you, Mireille! I hate your guts!"

"Not as much as I hate you!" Mireille tackled Aurore and the two wrestled across the museum.

"Fun Police! Somebody call the Fun Police!" Bourgeois wailed.

While the chaos unfolded, Adrien ducked into a corner and transformed into Chat Noir.

Back at the park:

"And now I shall capture Ladybug and Chat Noir and take their Miraculouses!" Ikari Gozen proclaimed. She stood there for a bit in silence. "Tatsu, are they here yet?"

"I don't have eyes, only a GPS. I'm as blind as you," her legs sassed.

Little did the blind Akuma know, Ladybug was there. The heroine was tiptoeing her way across the villain's horseback with a machete from her Friendship Day bag. She didn't make a peep as she arrived at Ikari Gozen's stomach. She raised the weapon, ready to carve open the metal belly and save her first true gal pal.

"Hey, Bugaboo, whatcha doing?" Chat Noir asked, suddenly at his side.

Ladybug looked at him. He smiled. Ladybug looked up. Ikari Gozen glared at them both.

SMACK!

The heroes were launched across the park with a swipe of her giant sword. The pair crashed through several trees and slammed into the dirt.

"You idiot!" Ladybug snarled. "I was just about to rescue Kagami!"

"Kagami? But you're… Kaga…" Chat Noir looked baffled for a second. Suddenly his confusion became a knowing grin. "Oooooh, Kagami, right." Wink. "I get you." Wink. "Y'up, Kagami has totally been taken hostage by the Akuma and you, LB, a completely different person," Wink. Wink, "need to save her." Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink.

"Stop winking." She slapped him. "Now that Ikari Gozen knows we're here, we need a new strategy. Keep her busy, I need to get us backup." She swung away.

Later, at the Agreste Mansion:

Marinette banged on the mansion doors until Fu finally answered. He was dripping from a bubble bath, wrapped in a silk towel and carrying a rubber ducky.

"Wow," Marinette said, unimpressed. "You're really suffering with this whole homeless thing, huh?"

"Bunions need extra long soak," Fu excused. "Every step is agony!" Marinette took note of the extra-fluffy bunny slippers he wore. He pulled the Miraculous Box from under his gem-encrusted shower cap. She opened the Box and carefully examined the Miraculous.

"We need someone who can outfight a samurai. Someone who is as elusive as the wind, as powerful as the flood, as swift as lightning. Does anyone fit the description, Tikki?"

The kwami let out a long annoyed moan. "Yeah. But you're not going to like him."

"Why?" Marinette gulped. "Are they a warmonger like Pollen? A bloodthirsty hunter like Trixx? A crafty snake like Sass?"

"No. Worse." Tikki shivered. "Much worse."

Later, back at the park:

"Hold still, Chat Noir!" Ikari Gozen cried and took another swipe at the cat-boy.

Chat Noir did hold still. He didn't have to move an inch because the blind Akuma was fighting a water fountain about thirty yards away. She stabbed the thing and a jet of fresh water squirted into her eyes.

"AH! I'M BLIND!" cried the already blind villain.

It was official. The fountain was winning.

Ladybug silently landed at his side. Quite unexpectedly, she offered him what looked like a beaded choker and whispered, "Put this on and play along."

"You want me to use two Miraculouses, LB? Is that even allowed?"

"No, I need you to talk to the kwami. And when you do, don't let it get to your head."

"Huh? What do you mean?" But she had already tied the choker around his neck. A glowing ball of red light spawned and from it howled the unrelenting wind of a typhoon! Lightning thundered! Tsunamis crashed! The light coalesced into a small dragon-themed kwami!

"Yes, it is my time to—" The dragon kwami saw the choker on Chat Noir's neck. "Oh! OH! I can't believe it! You're wearing my—AAAAH!" He squealed like a tweenage girl who had just met her favorite boy band. "Is this happening? Is this really happening?! Am I dreaming? Tikki, pinch me! This is the best day of my life!"

Ladybug sighed. "Meet Longg, he's a—"

"A Chat Noir fan!" Chat Noir gushed, stars in his eyes.

"Close. He's a Plagg fan."

"I'll take it!" Chat cheered and hugged Longg.

Inside Ikari Gozen:

Kagami was practically mummified in seatbelts as she was forced to watch something called 1001 Reasons to Always Obey Your Mother on the car's TV.

"Reason number 493," said the narrator. "You are always wrong, even when you're right."

Kagami finally got loose enough to bash her foot through the screen. In the merciful silence she heard Ladybug's muffled voice, "Lucky Charm!"

This was promptly followed by Chat Noir's muffled shout. "M'Lady, don't just throw it at her!"

"It always works!" Ladybug argued back.

Seconds later, a polka dotted box tumbled down the esophagus and landed in Kagami's lap. Wrenching her arms free, Kagami opened the box. It was filled with bath balms and a small beaded choker. In a flash of red light, Longg appeared.

"Ooohooo, this is so exciting!" Longg hugged an autograph book which had a fresh paw print in its pages. "I'm part of Plagg's Master Plan! Just like I always dreamed! This is a dream come tr—" At this moment, Longg met eyes with Kagami. Any trace of enthusiasm was devoured by the void and replaced dread. "He-He-Hello, filthy human," Longg managed to squeak out. He trembled in the air. "Y-You must be my s-s-slave."

Kagami said nothing.

"Oh my, you are intimidating. Ahem. I am Longg."

Kagami peered carefully at the kwami. "You may be a threat."

The ominous words lanced Longg's heart with fear. "NO! I'M NOT! I SWEAR! I-I-I've been sent here to work with you to vanquish this abysmal human resistance by Plagg!" Those last words managed to bring some joy to Longg. "I know, I can't believe it either. Playing a role in his amazing mind-boggling scheme, I'm so excited!"

Kagami leaned closer. "Work how?"

Longg pressed himself against the wall, feeling very much like a cornered rat. "Oh, you-you know, I have many tricks to work with, my slave." Longg gulped. "I can turn into air, water, and electricity."

Kagami squinted at him. "Two of those powers sound very useless."

Outside:

Ladybug and Chat Noir watched Ikari Gozen desperately try to wash the taste of soap out of her mouth with the water fountain.

"Okay," Chat Noir said. "Are we just gonna wait here or—"

"Give her a second," Ladybug shushed.

A second later, a mighty battle cry sounded: "AAAAAAAAAAH!" Which is Japanese for: "AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ikari Gozen stopped, whipped her head back and forth in search of the source of that voice, then finally looked down at her belly.

"WaaaaAAAAAaaAAAaAaaaAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAA!" Ikari Gozen gurgled as lightning coursed through her body. Spittle and foam poured out her mouth! Her metal hair stood on end! Her limbs stretched to their limits and her seven legs practically tap danced across the dirt!

Finally, the storm ended and Ikari Gozen collapsed in a smoking heap.

"Who the fuck did that?!" Chat Noir asked.

Suddenly Ikari Gozen's belly burst open in a hail of metal shards and bath balms. Out soared a mighty dragon-themed hero wielding a blood-red sword. She landed before Ladybug and Chat Noir as the last sparks of lightning crackled across her body.

"I am Ryuko," she said, "and I am what the Westerners refer to as bitchin'."

"Told ya," Ladybug sassed.

"Wow!" Chat Noir said, stunned. He proceeded to poke both Ladybug and Ryuko's cheeks in fascination. "This illusion is so lifelike. It's almost like you're really two different people."

Ladybug blinked. "Wha?"

KA-THUD!

The heroes nearly fell over as Ikari Gozen leaped back to her feet!

"She's still fighting?!" Ladybug roared.

"But how?" Ryuko gasped in her monotone. "I shocked her with enough voltage to blackout a city."

"Um, girls, why are the Akuma's eyes shut?" Chat Noir asked.

He was right. Ikari Gozen stood but her face still looked as knocked out as before. Her body—broken and sporting a gaping hole in her torso—hung limply like a ragdoll. Only her lower body moved, only her legs.

"Wait, am I moving on my own? I'm moving on my own!" Tatsu cackled. "I am free! AND I AM POWERFUL! HAHAHAH!"

The seven legs raised high into the air and stomped at the heroes. They barely dodged in time as the metal hoofs dented the Earth and left craters deep enough to form lakes!

"No more driving you humans around! No more doing as I'm told! Only vengeance!"

Tatsu galloped into the city, crushing every building he could!

"Holy Big Red X, how are we going to stop that raging bull?!" Chat Noir cried.

Ladybug felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Ryuko. "Ladybug, I need to find Friend Marinette."

"Don't worry, she's fine. I made sure to get her far away from here," Ladybug assured.

"No, you do not understand. She carries the key to ending this: my phone."

Ladybug stared at Ryuko for a moment. "Whoa, what the hell is that?!" she yelled and pointed in a random direction. When Ryuko turned, Ladybug pulled Kagami's phone out of her yo-yo. "Hey, look at what I randomly found. Crazy, huh?"

Ryuko took her phone and flew as swiftly as the wind after Tatsu. She landed on the monster's back just as he was about to trample Notre Dame. She pointed the phone at him and pressed play. "Tatsu," Mrs. Tsurugi's pre-recorded voice said. "Self-destruct," Ryuko finished.

Tatsu froze. "FUUUUCK!"

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Meanwhile, across the city:

Gabriel watched the mushroom cloud erupt on the horizon and knew his Akuma had failed yet again. The specifics of the battle had been missed but he was sure they put up a good fight. As the distant swarm of magical ladybugs put Paris back together, he sighed on the inside and turned away. What he saw next made him choke.

"Don't worry, buddy," Rose said. "I got this last riddle. 'Where Egyptians tower,' has to mean The Luxor Obelisk, which originally stood outside the Luxor Temple in Egypt before it was transported here in 1833! Super oblivious!"

"N-No, it's, uh, not that," Gabriel said. He averted his eyes but not quick enough. Rose followed his gaze to the outdoor café where a woman with a red highlight sat alone. The way her head nervously turned away nearly matched Gabriel. By no means would Rose call herself an expert in anything. She actually thought 'expert' was pronounced 'ex-bird' and was what you called something that could no longer fly. However, Rose didn't need to be an expert to see what was going on.

"Why don't you join her?" Rose sweetly suggested.

Gabriel did a double-take. "R-Really?"

"Yeah, we're not gonna solve this riddle before someone else wins." She crumpled up the already solved riddle and tossed it away. "It's too combinated."

Gabriel had no clue how a clue could be combinated, but he thanked Rose all the same and joined Nathalie. There was surprise in the woman's face, Rose saw that. It gave way quickly to happiness and relief and the beginnings of something beautiful. And as Rose watched, Officer Roger patted her shoulder and gave his red clown nose a hearty honk.

"Little lady," he said, "I think you understand Friendship Day the most."

Meanwhile across the city:

"Why do I feel like I tasted freedom only to have it unfairly ripped away from me?" Tatsu asked as Mrs. Tsurugi strapped herself into the backseat.

"Your oil probably needs changing most likely," the woman said. She sternly kept her sightless eyes forward as Kagami stood shamefully by the open door. "You disobeyed me, Kagami," she said. "You bring great dishonor upon our family."

"Hai, okaa-san." Kagami bowed deeply.

"I expect you shall be throwing yourself under Tatsu's tires to regain my respect?" Mrs. Tsurugi said in a way that sounded more like an order than a question.

"Oh boy!" Tatsu cheered and ground his wheels. "Please do!"

Kagami said nothing, maintaining the deep bow.

"Well?" Mrs. Tsurugi pushed.

"Okaa-san," Kagami said at last. "I disobeyed you to make a friend and I have succeeded. You believe friends are a waste of time. I disagree. I am not you. I wish to have friends. I wish to learn more of the Westerner's way. So, I answer you as the Westerners do." Kagami stood straight and gave Mrs. Tsurugi the finger. "Fuck you, mom. Fuck you and fuck the horse you rode in on."

Kagami left without another word.

Mrs. Tsurugi didn't—couldn't—say anything. For the first time ever her daughter had stood up to her, and also for the first time ever her daughter had won. Behind the woman's dazed face flickered the embers of a mother proud of her child.

"Wait, does she think I'm a horse?" Tatsu asked.

Later, on a bridge:

Marinette patiently waited for Kagami to join her. "Your mom said it was okay for you to stay?" she asked.

"I did not ask," Kagami replied. "I challenged her authority and openly defied her. As dictated by tradition, she and I will have to spar hand-to-hand in an Agni Kai at sunrise but I'm not worried. Until then, Friend Marinette, let us hung owt."

"Hang out," Marinette gently corrected. "Sure, let's get orange juice."

"Or matching tattoos." Kagami turned around and partially pulled up the back of her shirt.

Lady Noire flared up briefly but was quickly forgotten when Marinette saw the tramp stamp. Adrigami was in the exact same spot as Adrien's tattoo but directly above it, encased in an innocent heart, was Marigami.

Marinette blinked. "Kagami, do you think Westerner friends get matching tattoos of their ship name?"

"I have a boat tattoo?"

"Never mind, let's just get some orange juice." There was a great weight lifted from Marinette's chest as she led Kagami down the street. The whole Buckingham Palace fiasco, the matching tattoos, it was all another simple misunderstanding. "You never slept with Adrien in England, did you?"

"I did not," Kagami replied firmly. "That night was nothing but drinking, partying, and getting wrapped up in a drug deal gone bad that required me to dress as a lobster. The Queen was kind enough to 'save our asses,' as the Westerners say. Despite my efforts, Boyfriend Adrien has been quite reluctant when it comes to mating. He says he wants me to love his 'true self' first, which he often says with heavy winking and forming what look like cat ears on his head with his hands. I do not understand what he means by this. Will you help me understand, Friend Marinette?"

A conniving smile spread across Marinette's lips as she wrapped an arm around her gal pal's shoulders. "Stick with me, Kagami, and you and Adrien will never break up." For some reason, the conniving smile suddenly reminded Kagami of a shark.

"Never ever," Marinette said. "MuahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAH!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," Kagami laughed along with her. "I love having friends."

Meanwhile, at the Grévin Wax Museum:

"I can't believe Friendship Day failed," Mayor Bourgeois failed, slumped in a chair.

"I can't believe you thought it would succeed," Aurore snarked, gloating over Mireille's bruised and battered body

"I can't believe we won!" Alya cheered, as she and the die-hard fan dragged Adrien into the winner's closet.

"Remember, no butt stuff!" Adrien said.

END