Chapter 29.
Sam saw some woods ahead and glanced at Sarah. "Maybe a good place to stop?" he said.
"It seems quiet." she said.
He drove a little way into the woods and then parked the car. He turned to Cas. "How's it all sounding so far?"
"I wish we could discuss it with Dean." said Cas.
"So do I."
"Are you suggesting this because you think we will never get him back?"
"No, I don't believe that." said Sam, then, knowing that if he were to open his mind to Cas, half-truths would not stand a chance, he added, "I can't let myself believe that. If I do, going on feels impossible."
"If he doesn't come back, we're both finished, aren't we?" said Cas.
"I think so." said Sam.
"No." said Sarah, "Giving up is not your way."
"Do you know why I didn't look for him when he was in Purgatory?" said Sam.
"You had no idea where he was or whether he even still existed." said Cas, "You didn't even have Rowena then."
"Don't make excuses for me, Cas. I knew he could still be alive or retrievable, at least. I didn't look for two reasons. One, without Dean, doing anything, even making a coherent plan, felt impossible. Two, I was afraid of finding out that he was truly dead and lost forever. I knew I couldn't live with that. I had a taste of that before and it turned me into someone else, someone weaker. The truth is, without Dean, I'm nothing."
"Same here." said Cas.
"You both underestimate yourselves." said Sarah, "But Dean will be back."
"The point is, I hid. That thing with Amelia ... I wasn't trying to make a future for myself, I just needed a distraction from thinking about Dean and how he was probably dead and certainly lost. And now, I'm doing the same thing with the hunters."
"I know." said Sarah, "You're willing to burn yourself out if it means you're too tired to think."
"Only, guess what? Turns out, I am never too tired to think. Too tired to sleep, sometimes. Too tired to be a useful leader. Never too tired to think. I swear as they set light to my pyre, my brain will still be thinking of all the ways I let Dean down."
"Dean says you haven't." she said.
"Dean always stuck up for me. He knows the list as well as I do." He looked at Cas "Or, to answer your question more briefly: no, I'm not doing this because I think we've lost Dean forever."
Cas nodded.
"So, can we consider this?" said Sam.
"What will Dean think of it?" said Cas.
"He said he wished we could all have the same mental connection."
"True. Of course, the mindlink might not form."
"In which case, there is nothing for him to worry about." said Sam.
"So the only question is where we do it." said Cas.
"Not the bunker." said Sam, "I may get ... emotional. I need not to do that around the others."
"One of whom is your mother." said Sarah.
"Especially not around her. The Dean thing is hitting her hard. I don't want her worrying about me. There's the farm."
"At your disposal at any time." she said.
"The farm's impossible." said Cas, "Jules is at the farm."
"You have to face her sometime." said Sarah.
"Yes, but privately and with nothing else happening. And not while I am in such confusion."
"She could help you." she said.
"It's not her job to help me. She's a hunter, not an angel fixer."
"She's someone who loves you." she said.
"Which means she has already done more for me than most. I will not ask more." he said.
"She'd love you to ask for anything you need." said Sarah, "It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to interact with you."
"We interact a lot. We talk. We talk all the time. We kiss. We've even danced."
Sam smiled to himself at how big a deal that was to Cas. To Dean, calling that a relationship would seem laughable. To Cas, it was all real enough. "You do have something special with her." he said.
"Very special." said Cas.
"And now you won't even call her." said Sarah, sadly.
Sam saw the pain in Castiel's eyes and said, "He knows. We can talk about that later. Maybe we should just do it here, away from everyone. I won't tell anyone outside this car, except maybe Dean, anything that happens here. Cas, you can tell Jules, Jack or Dean anything you need to."
"Why not your mother?" said Sarah.
"Mom doesn't know how bad things are. I'd like to keep it that way, at least until we get Dean back."
"Then I won't say anything to her for now." said Sarah.
Sam remembered something. "Cas, this might immediately open a link. You've shown your thoughts to me before. If reciprocation is all that's required ... "
"So we need to have the kill switch ready."
"And then you'll be ready for this?" said Sam. More than anything, he feared making any of it worse for Cas.
Cas nodded.
"Okay, read my thoughts."
"You don't need some time to edit?" said Cas.
"I think total honesty is the way to go." said Sam.
Cas passed his angel blade to Sarah. "If anything goes wrong, or Sam shows any sign of distress, cut me, carefully, with this. It will break my focus and free him."
"I'm not going to cut you." she said, "I know you will be in control."
"Well, I have no such certainty, so have the blade in case." said Cas.
She took it and said, "If that's what you need to be able to do this. Remember, boys, I'm here. I will always be here ... well, for as long as I live. You never have to handle anything alone."
"Thanks, Sarah." said Sam, "I appreciate that." He had seen Cas flinch at the intimation of her mortality.
"Yes, thanks, Sarah." said Cas.
Their eyes met. "Ready?" said Sam.
"Not really," said Cas, "But I doubt I will become more ready."
"I promise, I don't blame you for Dean." said Sam.
"Even deep down?"
"Look and see." said Sam.