whew its a good thing this is rated M already things get a little out of hand from here jeez i'm sorry i forgot...
CHAPTAR 32: SETTLING IN
"AAH!" I screamed, jumping out of my dreams but really only out of my bed. My face was flushed as was the rest of my body, and I was sweating and ll the dust was stuck to me gross...
I'd had... dreams last night. Horrible dreams... dreams of making love to Roquefort in all sorts of different, delightful, disturbing, disgusting positions. For hours. I'm a lucid dreamer (I trained myself it was hard but worth it) and was able to live through every secend of the mind-breaking and soul-shattering coitus in my nightmarish dreamscape. The one where he was somehow able to make love to me while I was three feet away and he had his back to me was the one that impressed me the most.
"Fock this shit, I need to take a shower!" I said, a cold shower to the undercarriage always helps in these situations. Only it hurts so proceed with caution.
After showering I went outside, everyone was gathered at the mess for breakfast. There was a sign outside that once said "no dogs allowed," and I was about to break the news to Courage, but someone had spray painted over it because this was war darn it we couldn't keep our actual canine soldiers away from food. We went in. There were dozens of K.N.D. operatives I didn't recognize. Some of them waved hi to me and said good morning, and I returned their gretings. Then, in the back, there was a table at which sat the asses of Numbuhs 4 and 3, Mac from Fosters (!), a freaking mutant eggplant, and finally Zak Saturday and his pet Fiskerton, and attached to them were the bodies of said people.
"Wind!" Numbuh 4 said once he noticed me, then got up and grabbed a microphone off the wall next to the counter. He said, "Everyone, our guest of honor is here! I want you all to give a warm welcome to our newest soldier, Wind Walter!"
Most people clapped, but there was one guy in the back who shouted "YOU ASSHAT I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT!"
"Hello, everyone," I said, shy around so many people.
"Wind, we're all your friends here," Numbuh 4 began, but the guy in the back shouted "I'M NOT", "so if you have any allergies or sensitivities to anything, could you please let us know so we can keep you safe and healthy?"
He handed the microphone to me and I thanked him. "Thank you Numbuh 4 not only for the microphone but also for being concerned with my wellbieng." I turned to the crowd. "I don't have any allergies, but I, sadly, do have chlamydia. Unfortunately, that means a lot of us will not be able to participate in sexual intercours, as I do not want any of you wonderful people to contract my illness. thank you for understanding and remember to get checked regularly, so that you don't end up like me." I handed the microphone back to Numbuh 4.
"Thank you for letting us know, mate," he said, smiling. "Everyone, let's give one more round of applause for Wind, give her a big Jungle Outpost welcome!"
Everyone in the room (except the guy in the back) erupted into clapping, cheers and whoops and hollers. What sweet poeple. When they finished, Numbuh 4 turned to me again.
"Grab some breakfast and come sit with us," he said.
"Sure thing," I said, even though I was not looking forwad to dining with the sentient eggplant that was giving me the creeps at that table, but I was one of the gang now and had to act accordion.
I went up and ordered up some pancakes. Got a little pitcher of syrup to go with them, look at that. Courage got a cowl of wet kibble (he was always given dry at home so this was a treat!) and some orange juice and we sat down with the others.
"Alright, I'd like to introduce you to Numbuh 3," said Numbuh 4, turning to the raven-haired girl beside him.
"You can call me Kuki!" she said happily.
"Pleased to meet you!" I said shaking her sleeve.
"And this is Zak and Fiskerton Saturday, they're kind of like poachers, but they ad their parents rescue scary animals known as cryptids instead of killing them. Then we have Bob O'Ganoosh, the ggplant sitting next to you."
"EEK!" I said, I didn't realize I'd sat right next to him scary...
"HOWDY," he said, his voice was tres deep, like a mad rodeo clown or something.
"H-Howdy," I replied, deeply scared for Courage's and my own wellbeing.
"Finally that's Mac, little ankle biter made it all the way here to search for a friend."
"I thought you looked familiar!" I said and smiled at Mac. "Where's Bloo? Is he the one who's missing?"
"No, he's in City Point mourning the death of Dizzy World," Mac explained. "I signed up to come out here because Coco was last seen in the Wilds, but that was three months ago..."
"Oh, Mac, I'm so sorry!" I said.
"Thank you... I'm just worried the Fusions have her... she has a special ability that would make her very valuable to them..."
I wondered what this "special ability" was I mean she's a bird, what can OH NO... bird = chicken, and chicken = delicious protein, and back during the Battle of Heroes Hollow Ben got that chicken leg shoved up his arse if you recall... I swallowed. It was likely Coco.
"Mac, I-" I began, trying to tell him gently that Coco was probably deceased, but suddenly my cell phone buzzed and I answered it, excusing myself from the table but taking my food with me so I could still eat while I talked. "Hello?"
"Greetings, Ma'am, this is Officer Donut Head," came a voice on the other end. "I'm calling to inform you on our recent findings regarding the disappearance of Sir Dexter's assistant, Computress, as well as details on your mother's case."
"Oh! Yes!" I said, I remembered this officer I saw him at the crime scene at City Station. "What's new sir?"
"In your mother's case, the trial date has been set for next Friday," he explained. Today was Saturday. "You should probably come, she will likely need you for emotional support."
"I'll be there, Officer."
"Next, according to a few vendors on the boardwalk, Computress was last seen hovering wildly across Bravo Beach. We're going to do some more investigating in the area and call you back with whatever we find, but we thought you should know we have some clues."
I sighed in relief. "That does help. Thank you."
"Take care, Ma'am."
He hung up and I went back inside, everyone was gone now except Numbuh 4 who was checking what he had written down on a clipboard. He looked up when I approached the table "Hello, Wind. Everything alright?"
"Yeah," I said, gripping my other arm, "my mom's in jail for abusing drugs and her court date is next week, and the police also wanted to tell me about a tip they got about Computress."
"Oh, Wind, I'm so sorry to hear that about your mom!" Numbuh 4 said, shocked.
"Don't be," I said, "the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long to happen. Her getting arrested, not the drugs I mean, her asshole ex-boyfriend got her using them in the hotel that night.
"That is truly devastating Winf. Was the tip about Computress any good news?"
"yeah, they said she was spotted around Bravo Beach so they're going to do some more searching around there."
"That's good." he got up and set a hand on my shoulder before he left. "Take the day off today to settle in. When your mother's court date is up, I'll be sure to have someone stationed by the S.C.A.M.P.E.R to keep an eye out for Dexter."
I sniffed, smiling. "Thank you, Numbuh 4."
"I believe you've earned the right to call me "Wallabee,"" he said, and patted my shoulder before turning and leaving the mess hall.
Just as Numbuh 4 recommended, I relaxed today. I met everyone around the Outpost and even made things up to the guy I pissed off by baking him cupcakes phew that would've been rocky otherwise. As I slowly went down the list of people to meet, I realized that not one of them looked, sounded, or behaved like Roquefort (well, that wasn't entirely true, there was one guy who was all skater boy and saying things like "Radical!" and "Whoa hey there dudette!" he was very nice but he was blonde, not to mention shorter than I was when Roquefort was at least two feet taller than me.)
I saw Kuki organizing some Rainbow Monkey hats behind one of the buildings and walked over to her. "Hey, Kuki?"
She jumped and quickly shut the door on the shed housing all the hats and turned to me, startled. "Oh! Hello Wind! How can I help you?"
"I'm just wondering, are there any guys here by the name of... Roquefort?"
"... you mean like the cheese?" she asked confused.
"Yeah, I think so."
"I haven't met anyone here with that name," Kuki said, visibly confused that anyone would have that as a name. "What does he look like?"
"About 7 feet tall, wide, buff chest, his chest looks like two pillows with two chocolate chips arranged on them like they do at fancy hotels, bright, sparkling light blue eyes, and fluffy brown hair. Surfer dude."
"No, I'm sorry," Kuki said, blushing at my description of his chest, "but if I see him I'll let you know, can't let a guy like that get away!"
"Thank you," I said, "I saw him last night on Leakey Lake, he saved Courage from drowning and introduced himself, then surfed away."
"Wow! What a hero!" she said. "Maybe he's a local? It's really hard to surf on the lake since there are no waves, but if he grew up around here he's probably skilled at it."
"Yeah, maybe that's it."
I thanked her and left. A local, eh? Did anyone even live around here before the war? Other than the K.N.D., of course, but if he was with them Kuki would've known him. Hm. Looks like I had a mystery on my hands.