A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you all are doing well:) Thanks for the continued support on this story- it truly means the world to me! Thanks also to FenrisInside and Leona2016 for their continued help and encouragement. You both are the best!
Happy reading to you all and stay safe and well until next time!
-Emmeth
Hartmannclan- Thanks so much for your kind review! As nervous as I was to post that last chapter, I really appreciate your encouragement:)
Rey woke from a sleep like death, blind and disoriented. Her mind was slow, clogged with something half-remembered that she knew was important but couldn't quite grasp. The skin beneath her eyes felt stiff as she squinted into the darkness, attempting to make out her surroundings. Failing to do so, she rolled onto her side and closed her eyes again, meaning to drift back into sleep. But then she caught his scent on the sheets.
In that moment, it all came flooding back like a wave of cold water. Rey's heart stuttered in her chest, seeming to freeze in its place. She sat upright, fighting down a rush of dizziness, and flung away the covers. Stretching out, she cast about for his music in the Force. His song had grown so faint that she could scarcely hear it. Rey closed her eyes and reached out again.
Ben?
She called his name in her mind, hoping against hope that there would be an answer. Only silence returned to her.
Ben!
Her shout rang out through the bond, echoing in the stillness that surrounded her. Ben did not answer. There was not even a response in his song. Its notes remained completely unchanged, humming softly on the very edge of her hearing. There was only his music, not his voice. Her own song twisted around her; the low notes of the dark side now woven into it so completely that she couldn't separate the two. It had utterly changed her. She hated it.
Beneath it all, she still heard the lilting song of her child. But the darkness would consume it too, in time, as it had swallowed her. Already, she could hear the melody pitching lower, the timbre of its notes shifting even as she listened. Had the dark side been twisting it from the moment it was conceived? How could she know?
The paralyzing cold coiled inside her and she sensed it closing in on the child nestled deep inside her. But what could she do against it? She was part of the darkness now. An overwhelming rage took hold of her, plunging her deeper into the icy cold. The music of the dark side thundered in her ears, its chaos only driving her deeper into the loathing. Power surged through her.
It wasn't fair.
She had given in to the dark side; allowed its strength to flow through her. But what had it given in return? Empty promises and the bitter pain of guilt. Mela had been right. Ben had been right. And she saw, too late, that the dark side was as barren and unforgiving as Jakku's deserts. She had sacrificed herself on its altar and nothing it gave satisfied the hunger within her. She had killed for it and received only everlasting guilt and rage. And now it would take the child she had carried for so long without knowing- her darkness the undoing of another innocent.
Her fists clenched at her sides and her eyes squeezed shut against the agony. But there was no relief to be found in the blackness. She saw again the ruined body of the old woman, Hausis, lying in the sand of Jakku and staining it red with her blood. On Rey's orders. She saw Plutt, gasping his last breath at the end of her saber, dying mere feet away from her even as she held the weapon steady. And she saw Finn, his eyes dark and growing dull, the gashes crossing his torso and neck a testament to her guilt. She had betrayed him, so he had betrayed her, and she had killed him for it. Her hands were running with blood; some innocent, some not, but none of it her right to take.
And the one person who understood what it was to be a monster, the one she loved more than her own life, was barely clinging to his.
The chaos in her head broke free and she felt her jaw stretch wide as a terrible scream tore at her throat. Lightning branched from her fingertips to lash across the ceiling, casting sharp shadows in the blue light. She didn't even feel the pain. A wind picked up around her, mixing with her cries to howl in her ears. The cold sank deeper into her bones, freezing the marrow and sending shards of ice to slice through her chest.
"Stop this, Rey."
The voice crashed through the madness, pulling her back from a brink she hadn't known she was approaching. Memories of a small island welled up in her, and she remembered the sound of waves breaking against rocks and the swirl of a chilly breeze through her hair. Rain on her fingertips. She spun, not quite believing it.
Luke stood in the doorway, looking just as he had on Ahch-To. Rey gasped and took a step backward as the lightning died in her hands. She did not move. She could not.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
It was all she could think to say. Her mind was as frozen as her body.
"What are you doing here, Rey?" he asked her.
Rey bristled.
"Why does it matter to you?" she asked. "You never cared."
Luke let out a long sigh and ran a hand over his beard.
"I did care," he said. "I still do. I just didn't want to make the same mistakes with you that I did with Ben. But I managed to drive you away anyway."
Rey growled in her throat as she reached for the Force and called her saber to her hand. It burst into life with a flare of red. Luke just raised an eyebrow.
"I see he's taught you well. You've become strong in the dark side."
"You didn't leave me much choice," Rey snapped. "I needed a teacher. Ben taught me when you wouldn't."
"And look what it has done to you," Luke said.
Rey took a step closer, fingers clenched tight around the hilt of her weapon. Anger ran cold in her, and the dark side beckoned. Sparks began to flicker about her hands. Luke saw them and a frown creased his face.
"Stop, Rey. You will do nothing but hurt yourself, or the child you carry."
Rey felt herself go rigid, every muscle drawing tight.
"How do you know that?" she breathed.
"I'm not nearly so young or so blind as you and Ben. Experience and age are wise teachers. You forget that it was my sister that brought Ben into this galaxy. We knew him in the Force long before his birth and it is the same with you now."
Rey clutched her arms tight about her, taking a step backwards.
"Why did you come back, Luke?" she asked. "What do you want?"
Luke studied her for a moment, then reached out and took her hands in his. They were cold and seemed less solid than they had during her training. She glanced quickly to his face to find a kind expression on his weathered features.
"I came back to help you find the light you once knew. You've wandered so far from the path it has for you. It's time to return."
Rey snatched her hands away.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."
"That's not an excuse," Luke said, his expression going stern.
She remained stubbornly silent, uncertain how to put what she felt into words.
"Answer me, Rey."
"The light side abandoned me!" she exploded. "Just like my parents. Just like you! Do you think I like what I've become? I turned to the dark side when the light faded. How can I go back to something that left me on my own?"
Luke's face registered surprise for a moment before it smoothed away.
"So, you think that the light side left you?" he asked.
"It did leave me," she shot back.
"You left, Rey. The light side does not abandon, but we, in our foolishness, do. My father turned his back on it, as did Ben, and you followed in his footsteps. Anakin Skywalker, in his last moments, returned. Ben has exiled himself, but you might still be saved. The light side is waiting for you."
"Then why can't I hear it?"
"Your stiff neck," Luke said with a smile. "You are the one who has cut off your connection. The Force will not coerce you into something you are not willing to do. To find light, the darkness in you must be surrendered."
"You don't know how deep it runs."
"I never said it would be easy. It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done."
"Then why should I come back? How do I know it's even possible for me?"
"You should come back because continuing to live as you are now will be infinitely harder than returning. Beyond that, every day you remain puts your child at risk. I know you can already feel the darkness trying to corrupt it. Leia felt the same with Ben."
"It's so cold," Rey whispered, the affirmation slipping from her before she could stop it.
"Then turn back," Luke said. "Let the light side guide you."
"How could it accept me back?" Rey asked, shaking her head. "The dark side corrupts all it touches. I'm not the same person the light called on Takodana."
"Perhaps not," said Luke. "But I'm not the same man that the light called on Tattoine. We are all creatures of darkness, Rey. It calls to us all and we answer. But the light calls us as well. No amount of struggling to find it will bring you close. But if you trust it enough to be still and listen, it will draw you into itself."
"I did trust."
"Did you?" asked Luke. "Did you submit to the guidance of the light side and allow its power to flow through you, or did you try to command it?"
Rey was quiet. They both knew the answer.
"That was how the dark side began," Luke said, with a long sigh. "As a twisting of the light. What was bright became dark and dangerous. The lie you believe has led you astray. It drew Ben away and you followed."
Rey spread her hands in front of her, the tears beginning to well up again to trickle down her cheeks.
"I thought coming here with Ben- I thought leaving everything behind-"
The words choked off into a strangled sob. Luke gave her a sad smile and took a step forward to rest a hand on her shoulder. There were tears in his eyes as he met hers.
"Even those that dwell in the light side can falter. In my anger, I almost killed my father. In my fear, I abandoned Ben to the dark side. It is an insidious thing that creeps in even as you assure yourself that you are safe from it. The Jedi of old fell because the dark side twisted their desire for peace in the galaxy until they used armies and violence to bring it about. And while each have their place, the Jedi were so blinded that they forgot that they were to fight the very darkness that rose up and destroyed them. They should have known that you must look beyond the veil of this world to find what you are most desperate for. As the master that taught me once said: 'Luminous beings are we- not this crude matter.'"
Luke's fingers pinched her arm and she jerked in surprise, scowling at the man. She rubbed at the spot, irritation sparking in her. Luke must have sensed her rising ire, because he dropped his hand and let out a long sigh.
"Look to the light, Rey. There is more to this story than you could ever imagine."
"I can't-" she started, her throat constricting around the words. "I can't do this alone. Not without him. I can't-."
Her voice broke and she began to cry in earnest.
"I know you love him, Rey," Luke said, "And he loves you. But you cannot remain in the darkness for him. The dark side destroys; it does not protect. Come back to the light."
Rey stood silent, her tears wet on her cheeks, uncertain in the half-light around her.
"I don't know how," she whispered, clutching her arms tighter about herself. "I don't know how to come back."
"Have you forgotten my few lessons so quickly?" Luke asked, chuckling softly.
He sat down, patting the floor next to him. Hesitantly, Rey folded her legs and settled at his side. Luke's fingers were as gentle as a father's as he took her hands in his.
"Close your eyes," he said.
Rey did, the memory of a bright day on a cliff above a crashing sea seeping through the darkness in her thoughts. A warmth stole into her, beginning to thaw the ice inside.
"Breathe," came Luke's voice.
Rey took a deep breath, letting it wash into her and sweep away the staleness in her lungs.
"Now, reach out."
The darkness slammed into her mind as she stretched toward the Force around her. It sent her reeling, sounds rushing in her ears to deafen her. Her dreams loomed up in her mind. Memories of Ben falling; gasping for air as blood pooled out of him. Fear and rage clutched at her.
"Just breathe, Rey," came Luke's murmur. "Resist it."
Rey let out her breath, stretching herself further. Blocking out the low music of the dark side was an impossible task. It roared around her in a whirlwind of noise, drawing her in to lose herself among its notes. She pulled away from it, the tension drawing her muscles tight as she strained her ears for a different song. For long minutes, she remained still.
Then, far beneath the chaos of the dark side, she heard it. Her ears caught the edge of a song she knew. A song it seemed she'd lived a lifetime without. It called to her, pulling her towards it. She let herself drift nearer and was surprised to hear the music of the dark side fading in strength.
Tentatively, Rey reached toward it. The light side responded like it had been waiting on her for all of eternity. It was as if she had stared into Jakku's sun. Light flooded her mind, obliterating the darkness. The high, terrible music of the light side sang again for her ears, its ethereal beauty once again filling her heart. A wave of peace broke against the rock that had encased her soul since she'd fallen- true peace that stole her breath with its relief. She felt the stone beginning to crumble.
High and low notes wound around her. She breathed them in and exhaled them, her song winding with them. It changed, even as she listened, becoming something that wasn't quite the same as before, yet was beautiful beyond anything she could measure. The storm inside her quieted.
Rey opened her eyes slowly, afraid that the peace would desert her. But instead of vanishing, it seemed to grow in strength as Luke's face came into focus. He smiled quietly at her, and she knew it hadn't all been in her mind. She was the same, and yet she was changed.
These are your first steps, Rey.
The familiar voice whispered in her mind, its words echoing in her memories as they rustled past her ears. A laugh broke from her, mixed with a sob of relief. The ice in her veins was gone. The chasm inside her had vanished, leaving her whole for the first time since she'd turned her back on the light. Her spirit had settled. The memory of who she had been and what she had done was still close; as close as the memory of Finn's body, but she could look past it now.
Then she thought of Ben, lying without moving on cold steel, and a freezing shock pulsed through her. Fear gained a foothold and the abyss threatened to open beneath her once again. Luke seemed to sense it and placed a hand on her shoulder. Warmth spread through her core and the darkness of her thoughts drew away to linger like shadows at the edge of firelight.
"The dark side won't release you so easily," he said. "It will try to ensnare you and draw you back to itself. Guard your heart carefully against it. Anger and fear are natural, but don't dwell within them."
Rey nodded tentatively, moving with the cautious air of a trooper working a healed injury; unfamiliar with the absence of pain. Peace seemed like such a fragile thing, yet still it remained. Rey looked down at herself, half expecting an outward sign of her change. It startled her to find that she looked exactly the same; still dressed in the black tunic and breeches Corann had given her. Luke watched her without speaking, a slight smile still on his lips.
"You won't look any different, Rey," he said with a wry chuckle. "Not for a month or two, anyway, but that won't be the Force."
Rey glared at him, and Luke's chuckle turned into a laugh.
"Better get used to the idea, Rey."
Rey bit her lower lip and didn't say anything, but her fingers brushed instinctively over the place the child rested. If Ben died, how could she carry it for the long months before its birth? How could she bring it into the world without him? Fear crept back in, the dissonance sending a vibration through her bones. Luke's smile slid from his face.
"Where is Ben?" he asked. "I was expecting him to be with you."
Rey's breath caught at the pain of the memory. She froze, trying to find the words to explain everything to Luke. Her swallowed tears made her throat ache.
"He was shot," she finally said.
"In battle?" asked Luke, sounding incredulous.
"No. An attempted assassination."
"Who?"
"The Resistance."
"That doesn't sound like something they would do."
"No. But everything's changed since Leia died."
Luke nodded, water glittering in his eyes. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed.
"I felt her leave."
"We were there when she died," Rey said. "She got to see Ben again."
"I know. She was at peace in her last moments." Luke huffed out a humorless laugh. "I don't know why. He was her death, just like he was Han's."
Anger flashed through Rey and she only just managed to fight it back.
"It wasn't his fault," she snapped. "It was supposed to be a negotiation for peace. Hux bombed the base trying to kill us along with the Resistance."
Luke blinked.
"And if you cared to ask him why he did what he did to Han, you'd know he didn't have a choice. Not if he wanted to live. Snoke made sure of that."
"You defend him?"
"He was tortured, Luke. Can you blame him for thinking there was no alternative?"
"That isn't an excuse."
"There is no excuse," Rey agreed. "I know. He's done terrible things. But he's also done good things; things that he has given everything to protect."
Luke crossed his arms, his skepticism apparent in the arch of his brow. Rey sighed and got to her feet, separating herself from her old teacher.
"It's not my story to tell," she said. "But Ben can't speak for himself now. Maybe you'll listen better to me than you would him, anyway."
"Rey…"
"He's not who you think he is, Luke," she continued, ignoring the warning in his voice. "Honestly, he's not who anyone thinks he is. The boy you knew still lives in him; he just covers it up so it can't be used against him."
"And just because you think you see the boy my nephew once was, you think he can be redeemed?"
"No. I think he can be redeemed because I've seen the hundreds of Force sensitive children he's rescued from Snoke's purges. The ones he's hidden away from a galaxy that would kill them if it once got the chance. I know him as I know myself. There's still a part of him that longs for the light."
Luke's suspicion was evident in his narrowed eyes.
"And how do you know he isn't raising a new army for the Sith? That he isn't stealing these children to turn them into spies and soldiers as Vader did?"
"I've heard Ben speak of the Sith with contempt. His allegiance does not lie with them. I don't think it ever did. He and his knights teach what they can of the Force, but I haven't heard any of the Sith doctrines preached."
Luke's mouth parted in shock as he stared up at her from his seat on the floor.
"The Resistance is hunting for the children he's taken," she continued, shaking her head. "They want to wipe out our kind. You abandoned us all. Ben has not. And now he is dying because of the hatred that burns against him. He has done monstrous things, I know. But then, so have I and you're willing to forgive me. Forgive him for what he's done, Luke, and confess that you played a role in his fall. Maybe he will turn from the darkness as I have. Help me remind him what the light is."
Luke stared at her for a long minute before he let out a choked laugh, as though he were fighting tears.
"You've grown since I last taught you," he said.
Rey smiled, letting the peace wash away her anger little by little.
"We may need your help, Luke," she said. "The younglings could use a teacher who knows the light."
Slowly, Luke nodded, seeming to think.
"My sister was able to silence some of the more extreme voices of the Resistance while she was in command," he said after a moment. "Now that she is gone, it seems they have completely abandoned everything that she stood for."
"Then join her son, who follows in her footsteps, though no one has shown him the way. Maybe this is a second chance for all of us. Maybe this is of the light side."
Luke took a long time to answer her, the lines in his face going deeper.
"Or perhaps it is the temptation of the dark," he said with another of his long sighs. "How am I to know?"
"Listen," Rey replied with a small, sad smile. "Just listen."
Luke did not return the expression.
"I'll need time," he said. "Time to think, and time to make a decision."
A sudden anger twisted in Rey's stomach, the darkness and cold drawing near to her again.
"And while you hide away and think, we'll be fighting," she spat. "Just as we always have. Ben will fight and I will fight because that's all we can do. Snoke is still alive and until he's dead we'll fight, because that's all that's left for us to do."
Luke stared at her.
"Just go," Rey said, defeated. "If you won't help us, then leave us in peace."
Luke took a step toward her and put his hand on her shoulder. It felt as if he were giving her the weight of the world as he looked her in the eyes, the blue of his shining with tears.
"Be patient with an old man, Rey," he said. "I am neither so foolish nor so reckless as I was when Ben was a boy. I lost so many the night he fell to darkness. Forgive me if I am not eager now, to put my heart at risk again."
And with that, he vanished as suddenly as he appeared, leaving Rey standing frozen in the silence and the chill until the quiet was broken by a pounding at her door.