You're keeping secrets from them, it's not wrong for them to keep something from you, Remus told himself when morning came, rubbing his eyes which had very dark circles underneath since he had barely slept. James and Sirius were both very chirpy, clearly being overly nice to Remus as the four of them went down to breakfast which just rubbed him the wrong way even more. They knew he was upset over what happened and were trying to 'fix' it. Remus tried to pretend to be fine but by the time they headed towards their first class he was already done with the day, done with his friends.

He knew he shouldn't feel this way, that everyone was entitled to their secrets. But thinking that and feeling that were two different things and he couldn't stop. It sat like a lump inside his stomach, it hurt to feel so left out. He wondered why. Why him? What was going on that they decided he didn't need to know, didn't deserve to know? At least their first class was Herbology so it gave him something to do with his hands, moving plants from one pot to another, carefully pruning some plants back, trying not to listen to their goofy chatter. They tried to include him in on the conversation but he just ignored them, focusing on the plants.

"Are you mad at us?" Peter asked as soon as they left the greenhouse. He had no idea what was going on, but easily picked up on Remus's vibes which made him feel even worse that Peter got swept up in his irritation. Peter had nothing to do with it, but he couldn't really explain that in front of the others.

"No," Remus lied, wiping sweat and dirt from his forehead. He knew he should just talk to James and Sirius. That would be the best course. Instead he felt burning inside of him, the lump feeling heavier as they headed into the castle. He couldn't stand it another minute. Remus cleared his throat and said, "I—I think I'm just going to head to the library to finish up the essay I need to turn into Professor Prewett."

Sirius tilted his head. "Don't you finish up your essays pretty much the day we get them? Or are you just trying to avoid us?"

Remus stiffened a little, avoiding Sirius's eyes. "I want to alter a few paragraphs," he replied, pretending he hadn't heard the second part of the question. "I'll catch up with you at lunch." He hurried down the corridor then turned a corner, leaning against the wall to take a deep breath. He could still hear them clearly, Peter wanting to know what the heck was going on, James and Sirius flat out telling him that Remus had discovered that they were keeping a secret.

"A secret?" Pete asked. "What kind?"

"We'll tell you later," Sirius said grouchily.

"He's mad at you for keeping a secret from us?" Pete asked, sounding bewildered.

"Yeah," sighed James. Then James said something else but Remus couldn't quite pick it up as a group of much older students came down the hallway, talking loudly. Remus slid past them, heading first to a bathroom to wash his shaking hands. He washed them multiple times, staring rather blankly at his reflection. He kept hearing Peter's last question, how stupid it made it all seem. How stupid it should be. He pulled back from the sink with a whiny sort of moan then went to the library, hoping to try to wipe all of this away from his brain for at least a little while.

He settled down at a table near the back with a few books, his essay, clean parchment, and a buzzy sort of mind. He carefully copied out the first half of the essay then began rewriting the second bit, adding in a few new descriptions and theories. Finally he set his quill down, dropping his head in his hands. He had already had a nasty fight with James he really didn't want to start fighting again, and not with Sirius as well. He needed to get over this. Get over the stupid, stupid, pointless, injury that he shouldn't even feel!

"It doesn't matter," he told himself, voice muffled behind his hands. "Just forget about it. It doesn't matter."

"What doesn't matter?"

Remus gasped out, jumping in his seat then frowning deeply as Sirius slid into the seat next to him. "N-nothing," he got out, grabbing for his quill. "A—a—just a bit in my essay I don't feel adds to the—er—overall... um..."

Sirius had his elbow on the table, chin propped against his fist. He was nodding slowly as Remus spoke and when he fell silent Sirius began speaking. "Overall what?" Remus just shrugged, ducking his head down, writing some more. "Uh-huh. It had nothing to do with what happened last night?"

Remus watched the inked letters forming on the parchment as he wrote, heart pounding in his chest. "What happened last night?" he asked lightly.

Sirius snorted. "Don't give me that, Remus Lupin. You're bloody well mad at us."

Remus sniffled slightly, dipping his quill in some ink. "I'm not angry, if that's what you think."

Sirius's hand darted out, grabbing Remus's wrist, sending a slight shock through his body. "It is what I think, and it's what you are."

"Don't tell me what I am or am not!" Remus snapped, jerking his arm free. Ink spots splattered across his essay and he hissed out. "Look what you made me do!" He tried first siphoning off the ink which didn't work too well, then tried the smudge clearing spell he recently read about. The ink smeared even more. He gave a disgusted sound, pushing the parchment away and grabbing a new one to start over.

Sirius took the damaged one. "You're way too smart, Brains; you know that, right? Like, you're super smart."

Remus groaned, bending in close to the table as he began rewriting the essay yet again. This was safer ground than discussing how he felt. "I'm not doing your homework."

"I'm not asking you to do my homework!" Sirius shook his head, setting the parchment down. "Though I probably should have asked for some help the other day. Think Prewett'll give me an extension?"

Remus blinked. "You—you haven't done the essay which is due today?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, making a popping sound with his lips. "Define 'done'."

Remus's head smacked against the table. "Merlin, Sirius, you've had a—a-a week! It's—it's only ten inches long! How can you not do ten inches in a week?!"

Sirius spread his hands out, face opening with a huge grin. "It's called... laziness!" He flung out his arms in a dramatic manner. "It's also called I really don't give a flying jarvey about the essay. It's also called we need to talk about last night. By the way, you've got ink all over your face."

Remus's hands flew to his cheek then he withdrew them, seeing ink which must have gotten on him when he slammed his face down from Sirius's stupidity. "Bollocks." He got a handkerchief out of his bag, wiping as best he could, probably just making his face worse. "We don't need to talk about last night—"

"Don't be stupid. Course we do. You're mad."

"I'm not mad."

Sirius rummaged in his bag, pulling out a bottle of water. He took the handkerchief from Remus so he could get it wet then handed it back. He watched Remus clean for a few seconds then said slowly, "James and I are keeping a secret from you."

Remus clenched his teeth as he began wiping his face again. The dampness helped get rid of some of the ink. "I am well aware."

Sirius tilted his head, raising his eyebrows. "You're keeping something from us," he accused.

"Well, what would that be?" Remus asked, feeling sick, his limbs feeling heavy.

Sirius flopped back in the seat, folding his arms. Remus waited for his response with trepidation and terror. "Please," he finally replied, "if I knew what it was, it wouldn't be a secret, now, would it?"

Remus crumpled up the handkerchief and jammed it in one of his satchel's pockets, trying not to give a sigh of relief. "I am not mad that you're keeping a secret from me."

"You obviously—"

"I'm not!" he snapped and Sirius shut his mouth. "I'm mad because instead of simply telling me you had a secret, you lied about it! You-you tried to cover it up which made me feel like—like—like..."

"Like what?" Sirius asked. Remus remained silent. "Come on, then. Like what?"

Remus curled his fingers into fists. "Like you don't trust me," he finally whispered, then the true confession slipped past his lips: "Like I don't matter."

"Remus—"

"I know. It—it's stupid, it's..." He let out a slow breath, trying to control his emotions. "We've been... friends for almost a year now but—" He hesitated before plunging on, "but I still expect you guys to stop wanting to put up with me any day."

"What?!" he yelped and a voice somewhere a few aisles away made a shhhhh sound. Sirius glared in their direction then leaned in. "What?" he asked again, this time quietly.

Remus didn't dare look at him. "I'm Loopy Lupin. I know this. People still call me this, and—and it's kinda true." He began scratching at the table's surface. "I'm not... normal. It's difficult for me to... t-to be like... other kids."

"I don't want you to be like other kids!" Sirius growled, smacking the table. "I want you to be you!"

Remus's lips tugged into a small smile. "It still worries me. How I am. How I..."

How he sometimes felt like screaming, like crying, like hiding; how people made him feel overwhelmed, that he needed to stop having any sort of social interaction before their very words turned into blades against his skin, his soul. That sometimes he wanted to tear himself apart because being a person was too damn much.

He didn't want to even attempt to explain this, didn't want to show how crazy he really was. Instead he said, "I don't mind you lot having secrets just... please don't make it so obvious I'm being excluded."

Sirius just stared at him, completely still, completely silent. Then he swore under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Merlin. Remy, I— I never meant to make you feel that way. I—I don't like that that's how I came across. I..."

Remus knew he was trying to say 'sorry' without saying the actual word since he had a very hard time properly apologizing, and pretty much never did. He did say the word on occasion but very rare occasions.

Sirius gave up the struggle and continued talking. "I like how you are. James and Pete both do too, I know they do! We all like you for who you are." He scooted the chair closer which made Remus grow a little uncomfortable, and a little warm. "You're our friend, okay? Our friend. And you're not being excluded." He paused then gave a small, nervous chuckle. "Well—you... you are right now, but so is Peter."

"You plan on telling Peter whatever it is," Remus pointed out bitterly.

"Yes." Sirius's silver eyes bore into Remus. "Just as we plan on telling you too. Like... like James's cloak! James told me about it ages ago. And... then he got it, and told both of you too."

Remus looked down, suddenly feeling extremely stupid. If I had waited another moment before barging in would they have brought me up? Said they were going to tell me whatever it is? He hadn't even thought of that. He had just... assumed... like an idiot...

Sirius smiled, reaching out to put a hand against Remus's arm. "I promise we'll tell you down the line, all right?"

Slowly he looked back up, meeting Sirius's gaze. He's being honest. "All right," Remus said, body slumping a little bit as the weight was lifted. "I'm sorry. I—I was... I am being so... silly." He began rubbing his eyes now, nose itching. "I just..."

"It's fine. I understand." Sirius squeezed his arm then let go. "But do you really think we're just gonna stop being friends with you? You think we're gonna suddenly not like you?"

Crap. Remus turned back to his parchment, fiddling with the quill, trying to figure out the best way to explain without venturing into what he didn't want to say. "Sirius, I've literally never had friends until a year ago. That coupled with the fact that I am not normal—definitely not normal—does indeed make me concerned."

Sirius didn't say anything for such a long stretch of time that it made Remus feel extremely ill. He was just on the verge of going to the bathroom to vomit when Sirius said something very softly. "I worry too."

"What?"

Sirius turned the chair away so he could look at the row of books nearby, eyes searching across their titles. Remus thought perhaps he meant he worried about Remus's abnormality too, which frightened (and worried) him.

"I worry about you guys suddenly not liking me," he admitted, voice hardly audible. He bent forward, pushing his fingers angrily through his hair, leaving them there.

Remus couldn't fathom what he just heard. "But... b—but you... you're... Sirius."

"And you're Remus," he replied icily, glaring. "What makes me special but not you?"

"Everything," Remus blurted out.

Sirius straightened up, hand dropping, staring at Remus's reddening face. He began smiling again. "I'm a Black," he replied casually.

Ah, Remus thought. "I think we've all made it quite clear by now your bloodline doesn't bother us." He dipped his quill back into the ink so he could begin rewriting the essay.

"Well, I think we've all made it quite clear by now your weirdness doesn't bother us either." Remus couldn't very well argue with that. He bent in again, writing the words as neatly as he could. "I like you, Remy." Remus didn't look up though he felt himself getting hotter again. The way Sirius said that made his stomach feel all squirmy and weird, too, which didn't make any sort of sense to him. "You're my friend. Nothing's gonna change that, okay? Nothing."

You'll eat those words if you ever figure out the truth, he thought. He wanted to reassure Sirius the same but couldn't because one day he'd have to do exactly what neither of them wanted: stop being friends. Course, he probably should lie. He didn't want to hurt Sirius, not like that. "You're my friend too. Nothing... will change that..." He wished that could be true, so bad. His heart lurched with the absolute ache for that to be true. "And again I am sorry for... overreacting..."

"Nah, you didn't overreact!" The lightness had come back to Sirius's voice as he leaned his chair back, the front legs lifting off the floor. "I completely get why you got mad."

"N-not mad. Upset. There is a difference."

Sirius stuck his tongue out. "Fine, fine, upset, if you insist on being, um, um, eh, wordsy about it." The chair came crashing down with a loud bang, sending more 'ssshhhh!'s their way. Sirius made such an exaggerated face in response Remus snickered.

"As I said, it's fine to have secrets." He thought of James's confession to him about his grandfather, his pleading not to tell the others. "We all have secrets from one another, it's only natural."

"S'pose so." Sirius began reading through the splattered essay again. "I hope you can trust me though."

"I do," he answered without hesitation. He stared down at the parchment then over at a nearby clock. He wouldn't have time to rewrite the entire thing as well as eat lunch. He considered skipping lunch though it wouldn't buy him a whole lot of time. He flexed his fingers then began writing again quickly, his handwriting slowly returning to its usual scrawl. "I'm glad you don't mind my oddities."

"And I'm glad you don't mind my Black blood."

He recalled when Miss Fawley warned him about Sirius's family, about his his relative had blinded her, her sister killed Elara Black, then the Black family demanded Miss Fawley's sister be executed for it. His blood is Black, she had told him, like it truly meant something, like a person's familial history meant someone had to be a certain way. Others seemed to believe that too. It was so stupid. Sirius's family was awful (except for Regulus since he was just a kid), that didn't mean Sirius was awful.

"You're you, not them," he muttered, the words in front of him blurring slightly as his head began hurting. It felt like it had already been an entire day not just one morning, not just one class.

Sirius sucked in some air, almost in an annoyed manner but when he spoke he sounded pleased. "That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me."

It was on the tip of Remus's tongue to ask after his family, about all the rumors, what Fawley said, what he thought he knew about the Black family but Sirius looked so cheered that he didn't dare. "I'm just gonna have to hand in my old essay." He pushed the papers away, taking the original, scanning it to make sure it was semi-decent.

"I'm glad we're friends."

Remus lifted his gaze. "Me too."

Sirius got up, a hand against Remus's shoulder. "I meant what I said by the way. Friends, no matter what." There seemed to be something heavy in his voice and it felt as though he were pressing down with more than just his hand. Remus just stared up, bewildered, wanting to ask what he meant but it had been such an innocuous statement he wasn't sure if he could ask. He couldn't very well say how... intense the tone had been.

"Friends no matter what," Remus agreed as there was not much else to say. He got up, tucking his essay into his bag and crumpling up the rest of the parchment to throw away. He followed Sirius to the Great Hall (where he apologized to James for his attitude) then wound up having to go to Defense still smelling of dried sweat and dirt from Herbology, and having some ink smeared across his face.

/\/\/\/\/\

The next day or so seemed to be a precarious balance of recovering from hurt feelings. It wasn't as bad as after the fight with James, or the fight Remus had had the previous year with Lily, but it was still a go-carefully type of thing. Peter pulled Remus aside at one point to ask if he knew the secret or anything about it, and Remus just told him all he knew is the others planned to tell the two of them 'eventually'. Then the two began theorizing what it could be. Peter stood by his idea that it was a really big prank, while Remus suspected it might be something more along the lines of Fort Dragon. Not necessarily a fort but something tangible for the group.

"What's tangible mean?" Pete asked, forehead wrinkled.

Remus frowned. "Errr... um, it's like—something, a—an object, like something you can touch. An idea for a prank is intangible because it is not physical, whereas the Fort is tangible, something physical."

"Oh, okay," Pete said, nodding though he didn't quite seem to get it.

"Hey Pete..."

"Yeah?"

"Are you afraid of monkeys?"

Pete stopped in his tracks, eyes going rather big before walking again. "No? I don't think so. Why? Is there a monkey around here?"

"No. But I think they want to do something with a monkey. Just... making sure."

"I don't like flying monkeys though."

Now Remus stopped walking. "What? Flying monkeys?"

"Yeah, from that movie. With, um, the weird witches and—no place like home."

"Wizard of Oz," Remus said and Peter nodded.

"Yeah, my dad likes that movie. Mum hates it, says it's a stupid, ummm, stereotipping of witches."

"Stereotyping," Remus corrected. "I understand that. It does have strange portrays of witches in it." He enjoyed the movie for the most part when he saw it though the book was a million times better. Although the shoes in the book were silver—not ruby—so the movie was better in that respect!

Peter shrugged. "Dad watched it with me when I was young. The flying monkeys were so creepy. I liked the songs though. You know, now that I think of it, it's kinda weird that the things they sing about are like the Hogwarts houses. You know, bravery, heart, and brains. Nothing for Slytherin though."

Remus stared off into the distance. "I can see Dorothy being a Slytherin. Going to the ends of the earth—er, Oz—to achieve her goal."

"But she was so nice!"

"Some Slytherins are nice," he pointed out.

Peter made a face. "I guess. Do you think they have any idea what Wizard of Oz is? James and Sirius, I mean."

Remus shook his head. "I highly doubt it. Hmm, you know, we probably shouldn't mention it to them because otherwise..." Remus trailed off, giving Peter a look.

He groaned. "Yeah, they'll totally want to make flying monkeys! Definitely don't ever mention that movie to them! Course they don't even know what a movie even is so probably not that big of a danger, right?"

"Right." Remus wanted to laugh as he tried imagining attempting to explain what a movie was to their pureblooded friends, although he couldn't help but wonder if it was something that Muggle Studies would cover or not. He knew James and Sirius had both discussed the possibility of taking that class since it was said to be so easy, however he thought it'd be nice if they learned about Muggles... if the class actually taught things properly and didn't just diminish Muggles into appearing to be dumb, lesser beings like some magical folk assumed.

That got him to thinking about the electives, and which ones to take. He still had plenty of time to decide but it was so difficult to choose between them! They all seemed so interesting! He thought he had read something about some people in the past getting more OWLs than the core classes plus two electives, but he couldn't really remember, he hadn't been able to find any information in what little research he had done, and he was too nervous to actually ask anyone. Nobody else appeared to be worrying about which to choose right now, and he didn't want to seem to be... well... weird.

Once the time came to discuss things with McGonagall, he could ask her, but he knew he had to make a choice beforehand just in case. Which was just so difficult!