So this is my longest chapter so far! And the next chapter is the second longest...I split them up when I got to about 15000 words. That chapter will go up next weekend. Trigger warning for these chapters: they are heavy and packed. Kurt goes through some shit. But I promise it'll start to get better for him soon! Warnings for violence, homophobia, drugs and references to suicide/self harm (but references ONLY). These warnings are for this chapter and the next one.
Junior year was fast approaching. Beth was closing in on 4 months old and was growing fast. She could roll over and adored watching and playing with her two-year-old aunt, who absolutely loved her little niece. She was sleeping through the night now, a fact which Lucy was eternally grateful for (as was the rest of the family).
Kurt still had his temporary license, but Nick had now graduated to his probationary license. At long last he could drive to Lima alone, and he did so as often as he could.
"Have you ever kissed a boy?" He asked Kurt one night as they were laying in Kurt's bed listening to music.
"Yeah," Kurt said. "I mean…you know, but that doesn't count." Nick shook his head, it definitely didn't. "But I kissed Derek. Or rather, he kissed me. I had a flashback, shoved him, and ran." Kurt laughed a little at the memory. It wasn't funny then and it still wasn't, but sometimes he had to laugh at the memory. "Have you kissed a boy?"
"No," Nick blushed. Kurt noticed, but Nick continued. "Is there a boy you want to kiss?"
Kurt thought about it. For a while, he thought he was in love with Nick. He did love Nick. Nick was the one person outside his family Kurt trusted with every single one of his secrets. He was one of the very few people Kurt totally trusted to have his back absolutely, no matter what. To never judge Kurt. Nick was his absolute best friend. But Kurt just wasn't sure that his feelings for Nick were romantic. He didn't really think they were. Truthfully, Kurt was terrified of romance. He was scared about how big of a trigger it would be to be romantically involved with anyone. He was so young when he dated Derek, the period of time was so short, and they'd never even gone on an actual date. He could hardly count that. And anyway, his very short-lived relationship did end in a flashback, so his fears weren't baseless. He wasn't even sure why he went out with Derek in the first place. Pressure, maybe? Kurt didn't know what romantic feelings even were; he'd never really allowed himself to have them out of fear.
"I'm the only out gay kid at my school, Nick," he said. "You're the only gay boy I even know. Well, you're the only gay boy I see. I know Derek and some of the kids from Bajar, but I only see them on Facebook." Kurt was rambling now and stopped as soon as he realized it. "Is there a boy you want to kiss?" Nick went beet red.
"No," he responded quickly.
"There is!" Kurt exclaimed. "Who is it? A boy at Dalton?"
Nick didn't answer for a long moment.
"Nick?"
"Do you ever think about kissing me?" Nick finally asked softly.
Kurt stared at him in shock for a moment, sure he heard wrong. He'd never gotten the slightest inclination that Nick had feelings for him. Kurt was silent for too long.
"Forget it," Nick said, looking crestfallen. "Just forget it. Forget I said anything."
"Nick…"
"Look, lets just go to sleep OK?"
"Nick…" Nick looked at him.
"I've thought about it," Kurt said quietly, not meeting Nick's eyes.
"You decided not to?" Nick looked even sadder than before.
"No…" Kurt responded, still looking at his hands. "I just…you know what I've been through," he practically whispered. "You know how Derek ended. You're my best friend, Nick. My absolute best friend. I don't ever want to lose you. I love you too much. And I did think of you…that way. But…I don't know. I love you; I just don't know if I feel…that…for you. I don't even know what that feels like. Just with Derek and I'm pretty sure it was just that he was the only boy that ever showed an interest. And…I don't want to lose you, Nick. I don't know what I'd do if we couldn't make it work and things got awkward. I don't know what I'd do without you." Kurt was crying now.
The boys were silent for a long time, each lost in his own thoughts. Eventually, Nick spoke up.
"Look, let's just go to sleep, alright?" he said quietly. "We can talk in the morning." He started to get up.
"Nick," Kurt grabbed his arm. He didn't know what he wanted, but he didn't want Nick to leave. Kurt moved his face toward Nick's. Nick had no association with Mr. Douser. Nick was safe. Nick was his best friend.
"Kurt," Nick put his hand on Kurt's chest; Kurt paused. "You don't want this. And I don't want you to do it because you don't want me to leave. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. You're my best friend, too, and I love you no matter what. I never want that to change, and if that means we just always stay best friends, I'm going to be OK with that." Nick leaned forward and kissed Kurt on the cheek, then pulled him in for an embrace. Kurt threw his arms around Nick and hugged him back fiercely.
"We're OK?" he asked, his voice muffled by Nick's shoulder.
"Better than OK," Nick assured. He sounded genuine, but also sad.
XXX
"Hey Kids!" Burt shouted from the front porch into the open door. "Come outside!"
No response.
"Finn! Lucy! Kurt! Outside!" he shouted again. Kurt lazily made his way to the door. He had been skyping Nick and didn't like being interrupted.
"What's up, dad?" he asked, his annoyance evident in his voice.
"Go get your brother and sister, please," Burt told his son, ignoring the tone. "I have something for the three of you."
Kurt's eyes lit up slightly. "What do you have?"
"It's a surprise, just go get them, please."
Kurt did so, heading first toward the basement. When all three teenagers were on the porch, Lucy with four-month-old Beth in her arms, Burt told them to close their eyes. He took Beth out of Lucy's arms, then led them forward. When they opened their eyes, there in front of them was a shiny black Navigator.
"Dad!" Kurt exclaimed.
"It's for all three of you. To share. Now that we're all driving we're going to need another vehicle, so mom and I bought this one for the three of you," he told them. All three kids were ecstatic and raced toward the car.
"Now, I don't want any arguments about whose turn it is. You share it. It's a privilege, got it?"
"Yeah," "Yep," "Sure dad," came the three responses. Finn, who was the only one of the three who could drive without a parent, climbed in the driver's seat. Kurt and Lucy had their driver's test the Wednesday after school started.
"Can we take it for a spin?" he asked.
"Go ahead," Burt said with a grin, then turned and headed into the house with his granddaughter on his shoulder.
XXX
September finally arrived and with it came the first day of school. Lucy pondered how different everything was between her last first day of school and this one. Last year, she started out the year as Quinn Fabray: daughter of well-known corporate lawyer Russell Fabray and his trophy wife Judy, most popular girl in school, head cheerleader dating the quarterback, captain of the celibacy club, richest girl in the school living in the most extravagant house in town and preparing for her debutante ball. This year, she had none of that. She was starting out the year as Lucy Hummel: daughter of an average, middle class business owner and nurse, single teen mom, former foster kid, and glee club loser. But she had parents, brothers and a sister, and a daughter who she loved and who loved her in return. She was happier now then she'd ever been before.
But she'd be lying if she said she wasn't terrified of starting school. None of the kids at McKinley knew her as Lucy. She had gone to school with these kids since first grade and had grown up as Quinn. Everybody knew she was kicked out and lived in foster care. Her friends knew she was adopted, and probably most of the school did as well but she'd had Beth so soon after that and then hadn't been back to school, so she wasn't entirely sure. She had no idea how kids would take to her name change or to her being a single parent.
And then there was Beth, her beautiful daughter who was now 5 months old. She was lucky enough to finish her Sophomore year online, and really hadn't left Beth for prolonged periods of time since she was born. Now she was starting school and would be leaving Beth for five days a week, 8 hours a day. Longer once she started working at Breadstix the following week. She just considered herself lucky that she wouldn't have to send Beth to daycare. Grandma Lorrie would be watching the girls Tuesday-Friday, as she did with Emily the previous year, and Beth would be joining Emily at a babysitter's house on Mondays. She knew Beth would be in very good hands, but any hands that weren't her own was hard for Lucy.
As much hated to have to leave her daughter for longer periods of time, she knew she couldn't continue to depend on her parents to support her daughter. Though the potential for a job had been brought up while she was pregnant, her parents were no longer keen on the idea. They thought she should focus on school and didn't want her to overwork herself. But she knew they had already done more than enough for her just by taking on a pregnant teenager and allowing her to keep her baby. Maybe it was her history of having parents who demanded she live up to her end of the 'deal,' but Lucy just couldn't put any more of a burden on her adoptive parents. She had to be responsible for her own daughter.
She never, not once, regretted her choice to parent. The love she felt for her baby was like nothing she'd ever felt before. She would do anything for this child, and she knew she would be a good mom. Sure, it would be hard. It was hard, and she'd had it easy so far with no real responsibilities other than caring for Beth and keeping up with online schooling, which wasn't all that hard when newborn Beth spent 90% of her days asleep and she had her grandmother around to help her and allow her to nap during the day. Now, she would have to keep up with school and work on top of being a single parent. She knew the new year would be a reality check for her.
The Tuesday school started, Grandma Lorrie arrived at the house about a half an hour before the teens had to leave for school.
"I pumped a bunch of milk, but there's more in the freezer. She takes five ounces every three or four hours," Lucy told her grandmother when it came time to leave. The boys were already in the car waiting. "She usually takes a nap around 9 and a long nap in the afternoon. I wrote it all down so you don't forget."
"I've watched her before, Lucy. I've cared for all my children and my grandchildren, she will be fine, I promise," Lorrie assured her.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous." Finn was laying on the horn now, trying to hurry her along. "Mommy loves you, baby," she said, giving her daughter a squeeze and a kiss before handing her over to her grandmother.
As anticipated, the first day was weird, but not as bad as it could have been. The other kids didn't take to her name change as quickly or nicely as the glee kids did. That was OK, she had anticipated that. And she had at least one friend in most of her classes to support her. 'Juicy Lucy' was a nickname that quickly evolved. She rolled her eyes when she heard it. Original. But her friends supported her. Mercedes walked with her arm in arm down the hall. Sam sat next to her in English and stood up for her when someone lodged a spit ball. Finn shoved a jock into the locker when he came at her with a slushy, telling him that his sister was off limits. Britany told some kids off with the same ferocity Lucy had only ever seen her use when defending Kurt when the term 'Juicy Lucy' was shouted down the hall. No, Lucy may not have had what she had at this time last year, but what she had was so much more worth keeping.
The first week of school continued in the same fashion. 'Juicy Lucy' continued, and she was caught by a slushy on two occasions. Lucy noticed that Kurt was having a really hard time. She tried to talk to him about it, but he shut her down saying he was fine. She could tell he wasn't all that fine, but her life had become so busy she was sidetracked and a little blind to what was really going on with him.
She started her job at Breadstix the next week and found that she didn't hate it. The people she worked with were nice, she got free food at work, and she was allowed to take home any leftover breadsticks at the end of her shift as they couldn't be served the next day. She also got a nice discount whenever she wanted.
The hardest part for Lucy was just keeping up with everything. School had only just started and she didn't have a lot of work yet, but even this early she was having trouble keeping up. She worked Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 4-7 and one weekend day from 11-6; by the time she got home it was time to nurse Beth and rock her to sleep, then do any homework she had. She still had therapy every Wednesday. She wanted to quit because it cut into her limited time with Beth, but her parents wouldn't hear of it. They felt that she needed it now more than ever, and Lucy had to admit that therapy had helped. On her limited evenings at home, she wanted to spend all of her time with Beth, not doing homework, which only led to her staying up late working on it. With Beth rarely sleeping past 5 and often up at 4:30am, she was exhausted and behind. She wasn't sure how she was going to cope once her schoolwork got more taxing, but she was determined to keep up with it all. She had to get good grades to get into a good college and secure a future for herself and Beth.
XXX
David Korofsky had always had it out for Kurt. The previous year the locker shoves and slushy facials were frequent, but the first week of school told Kurt that the summer had only made things worse. Every time the two passed in the hallway, Korofsky would shove Kurt's books out of his arms, shove him into lockers, stick his foot out to trip Kurt, or just block his path and stand there, intimidating. Slushy facials were a daily occurrence for nobody but Kurt, and sometimes two or three times a day, always curtesy of Korofsky and sometimes Azimio. Kurt was feeling on edge, and found himself using his coping strategies more and more often. He also found him getting angry a lot more easily and his emotions were a little out of whack.
"Mr. Schue, you are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something we're all telling you we really want to do," Kurt rambled at his teacher the second week of school.
"Kurt! I am done talking about this!"
"Geez! Let loose a little, would you?! Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!" Kurt shouted, getting to his feet.
"Kurt," Lucy whispered, taking his elbow to try and pull him back down. She knew he had emotion regulation issues he was still working on, but this was the first time he had yelled at a teacher, at least as far as she'd seen. He pulled his arm from her grasp.
The rest of the room was silent.
"I'll see you in the Principal's office," Mr. Schue declared. Kurt gathered up his things and stalked out of the room.
"So?" Lucy asked when Kurt joined her and Brittany at the lunch table.
"Detention," Kurt told her, rolling his eyes.
"Why did you yell at Mr. Schue like that?"
"I don't know! I just feel like he always just does what he wants to do, and rarely even cares what we request."
He took a bite of his salad before continuing.
"I guess I'm just getting sick of Glee always being about a few key people. I'm sick of the locker shoves. I'm sick of Korofsky choosing me in particular to pick on. The school years barely started and I'm already just emotionally exhausted by everything. I don't know what came over me in Glee. I guess I just lost it."
"Hey, bro," Finn said, sitting next to him at the lunch table, Sam at his side. "You OK?"
"Yeah," Kurt agreed. "Are you?" He knew being kicked off the team was really bothering Finn.
"Korofsky and Azimio tore my jacket," Finn admitted sadly. Kurt could tell how hurt and upset he was by this.
"That guy's such an ass," Kurt exclaimed angrily, slamming his fork down, accidentally knocking over his milk in the process.
"Whoa, Kurt," Sam said, grabbing some napkins and mopping up the mess as Kurt picked up his milk carton and helped. "What's wrong? Did he do something?"
"No," Kurt sighed. "No, nothing out of the ordinary. He's just an ass. He was horrible all last year, and this year he's gotten worse. You heard Finn, it's not just me," Kurt assured him. Finn was very protective, but in some ways Sam was worse. Kurt knew he blamed himself for a lot of what went on in 6th grade and Freshman year at Briggs, though there was no reason to. Kurt really thought that was one big reason Sam joined Glee so quickly, though he also seemed to really be enjoying it. And Sam did specifically ask his parents to move here instead of where his dad worked so he could go to school with his friends. Kurt tried not to feel too guilty; it was Sam's choice. And he truly was an amazing friend.
Thankfully, Kurt didn't get in too much trouble for freaking out at Mr. Schue and earning a detention. His parents did lecture him for a long time about respect, and agreed with Mr. Schue that Britney Spears was inappropriate for school. They took away his screen time at home for three days and told him if it happened again, they wouldn't be as lenient, then they signed the detention slip.
XXX
"Dad, come on! We have dinner every Friday night," Kurt argued as he rode with Burt to school on Monday the third week of school. Rachel had already picked up Finn as they were grabbing breakfast at the Lima Bean, and Beth had a doctor's appointment, so Lucy would be late and needed the car.
"Yes, that's what makes it a tradition," Burt confirmed.
"So, this one day I can't skip? It's the sing-a-long Sound of Music at the El Royale. It's a once a year event; Nick's picking me up."
"I don't remember you asking."
"What, so I have to ask every time I want to do anything? I'm 16, Dad, not 6."
"Exactly, you're 16. Not 18. Everyone is so busy all week, Friday night dinner is our chance to reconnect as a family."
"Nick's already bought the tickets."
"Well, I hope he can find someone to go with, then," Burt responded as he pulled up in front of the school.
"AGHHHHH!" Kurt exclaimed angrily, grabbing his bag and storming out of the car.
"I'm real disappointed in you, Kurt," Burt said as the door slammed.
Pissed off at his dad as he was, Kurt's morning was uneventful. Kurt decided he would try to talk to his dad again that night, respectfully, and see if he could get him to change his mind. Wouldn't hurt to have his mom present, as well. She wasn't quite as stubborn as dad.
Lucy was waiting in the choir room when he entered, and he took his seat next to her.
"How was Beth's appointment?" he asked.
"Oh, you know…vaccinations suck. She's healthy as can be though, and she took them like a champ."
Apart from Finn randomly announcing that he found Jesus in Glee club (which Kurt truly hoped was another one of the short-lived phases Finn regularly cycled through), the day continued as normal. After lunch, Kurt was walking to math when Korofsky shoved him into a locker. He held him there for a long, long moment and just stared him down. He didn't say anything, but the stare was as hateful and threatening as it could get and it absolutely terrified Kurt. He could feel the panic coming, he couldn't breathe. He could tell he was on the verge of a flashback, but he couldn't get himself under control pinned up against a locker.
"Hey! Hey!" Sam and Lucy were suddenly both there.
"Get off him," Sam said, shoving Korofsky roughly. Korofsky shoved him back and Sam punched him, but Kurt didn't see what happened. Lucy had pulled him into the girls' room. She grabbed his inhaler out of his bag along with his bottle of water.
"Sit down," she said, helping him to the floor. He didn't resist, and leaned against a wall. He took the inhaler and started trying to calm down.
"How long has he been targeting you?" she asked when Kurt was calm. The bell rang some time ago, but Kurt couldn't have gone to class in his present condition and Lucy couldn't leave him.
"He's targeting Finn, too," Kurt protested.
"Not like that, he doesn't. He's worse to you than anyone else," Lucy argued.
Kurt was insulting Azimio in French class (the only way he could get away with it) when Ms. Pillsbury asked to see him. He stood to follow, but Ms. Pillsbury told him to take his things. Wondering what he could have possibly done, he did so. Lucy was in the hall waiting.
"What's going on?" Kurt asked, now growing concerned and moving to his sister's side.
"Let's get your brother, then we'll talk," she said, leading the way down the hall toward Finn's math class.
"Ms. Pillsbury, what's going on?" Kurt demanded when Finn joined them, but she only led the way toward the office where Grandma Lorrie was waiting.
"Grandma, what's wrong?" Lucy asked. Grandma Lorrie pulled her in for a hug, then Kurt.
"It's your father," she told them, her arm around Finn. "He's had a heart attack. I'm taking you to the hospital; your mother is there now."
The week was long. Their grandmother moved in temporarily to help with the babies; Carole and the teens were at the hospital often. Everyone in Glee (including his brother and sister) seemed to think that all they needed to do was pray, and that bothered Kurt more than he cared to admit. Mr. Schue encouraging it just made the whole thing worse. When Coach Sue asked if he would like to file a complaint, he agreed. If God was real, he didn't seem to care for Kurt much. Kurt didn't want to depend on a God who didn't like him to make his father better. The doctors would do that. Finn and Lucy didn't agree, though Finn understood Kurt's point of view and respected it. He and Lucy, who had grown up with religion being a big part of her life, had a huge fight about it that night at home.
Carole, who was upstairs getting Emily to bed, came down at the sound of raised voices.
"Lucy," she said gently once she understood the problem. "You believe in God, and that is fine. You know we respect that, but Kurt shouldn't have to be forced to hear about it at school. There's a reason religion isn't allowed in public schools. It is not helpful to him. If it's helpful to you, you sing about it, you pray, you go to church and do whatever helps you get through this. I'll take you to church if you want me to, but don't force the issue on Kurt." Lucy burst into tears at this.
"I just miss him so much," she cried. Carole pulled Lucy to sit next to her on the couch, wrapping one arm around her. "C'mere, Kurt," she said, patting the seat on her other side. Kurt did so, leaning against her.
"No matter what happens," she told her kids, "we are a family. We will get through it together." She had no encouraging words about their father's condition. She didn't know what would happen. But she did know that her four children and granddaughter were her #1 priority.
On Thursday, Korofsky shoved Kurt so hard he saw stars when the back of his head hit the lockers.
"Hey!" Sam said, getting between Kurt and Korofsky. "Back off!"
"You a little fairy, too, Evans?" Korofsky didn't back down, but neither did Sam. Korofsky shoved Sam, and Sam punched him. Kurt could feel a panic attack coming and quickly stepped out a side door next to the gym. Breathing in a breath of fresh air, he started to calm himself down. He didn't want to go back inside, instead choosing to take a walk near the bleachers. He had lost four parents already, and was close to losing the fifth. The tensions at school…the bullying, the religion, the constant fear, was weighing on him, and to even think about the possibility of losing his father, his protector, his dad was…unmentionable. Kurt felt the tears coming.
"You OK?"
Kurt quickly wiped his tears.
"Fine," he said, turning around to see who had spoken. The boy was tall, black hair down to his shoulders. He was dressed in black, with black eyeliner around his eyes. Kurt had seen him around school, but the two shared no classes. He assumed the boy was a senior.
"Vince," the kid said, holding out a hand.
"Kurt."
"You OK, Kurt?" Vince asked, friendly enough. Kurt couldn't tell if the concern was genuine or if he was just asking out of politeness, but then again, Kurt never would have seen him there if Vince hadn't confronted him.
"C'mon," Vince said, taking Kurt's shoulder and leading him under the bleachers. Kurt protested. He didn't know Vince, and with his history he wasn't keen on following an unknown kid under the bleachers with no help to be found. Vince didn't push though.
"You just look like you needed something to help you relax," Vince told him. He handed Kurt a joint. Kurt didn't take it, instead taking a step back.
"Relax. I don't know what's bothering you, but something clearly is," Vince told him. "It's just a little pot." He took a long drag off the joint.
At long last, Kurt took the joint. He didn't even know why. It was clearly a very bad idea and he knew that, but Kurt wasn't in the best frame of mind. He wasn't thinking clearly, and he just wanted so badly for something to take the pain away.
Kurt spent the rest of the day with Vince under the bleachers. They didn't do anything. They just smoked and talked. Vince was a foster kid, but not as lucky as Kurt. He never found a family; he was going to age out of the system. He had lived with 19 families in his 8 years in the system, and always caused enough trouble to be kicked out of each one. It was a defense mechanism, Kurt knew. He was lucky to find the Hummel's at an early enough age and lucky that they were such a dedicated family that they never gave up on him. He could have easily ended up just like Vince. Not many would have put up with his issues.
Twenty minutes before school let out, the alarm on Kurt's phone went off reminding him that he had to start walking home. He had set it so he remembered to leave on time to make it home before Finn and Lucy. He knew he had to take a shower and throw his clothes in the laundry before they arrived home or he'd be in major trouble. He was feeling very carefree about it all, though.
"Here," Vince said, handing him a hitter and a packet. "Take some home. You look like you need it. And if you want to hang out again, you know where to find me."
Kurt turned him down. He wouldn't risk his parents finding it. He thanked him and set off, taking the shortcut home. Even with his dawdling, it didn't take long for him to arrive. To his relief, nobody was home when he arrived. When he got out of the shower, he felt a little more like himself, but definitely still high. He threw his clothes in the washing machine, then checked his phone, noticing four texts from Lucy and two from Finn, along with a phone call, asking where he was. Checking the time, he noticed school had now been out for 45 minutes. He supposed he had taken longer getting home and showering than he realized. Kurt sent Finn a quick 'I'm home' text before laying on his bed and promptly falling asleep. Several hours later, he felt himself being shaken awake by his mother.
"What happened?" she asked him. "Finn and Lucy said you left school without telling them."
Kurt was feeling pretty normal again. He sat up, leaning against the headboard.
"I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I left," he told her.
"Couldn't handle what?"
"Just…." He couldn't tell her about Korofsky, though. "Everything. With Dad. I needed some time alone. I haven't been sleeping, I just…I couldn't stay."
To his surprise, his mom didn't seem upset at all. Instead, she just hugged him. "I understand," she assured him. "But you worried Finn and Lucy. Please don't leave them hanging like that again, OK?" Kurt nodded. "And the only reason you're not in trouble is because I know how hard this week has been for you," she kissed his forehead, "but you aren't allowed to just leave school without permission."
Burt didn't wake up until Saturday, 5 days after his heart attack; he wasn't released from the hospital until the next Friday. Kurt met Vince under the bleachers three more times over that time. Mostly lunch and into the following class; he wanted to avoid walking the halls when he knew it was likely he would pass Azimio and Korofsky, and that was when he usually got hit. He was careful not to go overboard like he did the first day. He wore a jacket to make sure that he didn't go home smelling like pot, and ensured he didn't leave his brother and sister wondering where he was. But he couldn't deny that it helped him relax. It helped him forget about his problems for a little while, or at least it made his problems seem momentarily not so bad. It helped him with his anxiety. The benefits outweighed the potential for the trouble he would be in if he was caught.
When Burt got home, Kurt took it upon himself to make sure he had heart healthy food on hand. When Burt complained, Kurt reminded him that he had four children and a grandchild that needed him alive, and that Kurt and Lucy had each lost four parents already. Burt didn't have a response to that, and complained no more.
The bullying at school continued, only getting worse. Kurt had taken to only using the restroom when a friend could accompany him. His friends, especially Finn and Sam, tried to accompany him through the halls, but Korofsky would go out of his way to get Kurt alone. It was hard sometimes to get out and meet Vince under the bleachers, as protective of his friends were. He was able to convince them that he wanted to spend lunch alone in the library, by himself. Korofsky would not be caught in the library at lunch time. He would be safe there and they wouldn't question it. He was so upset and scared all the time, things he enjoyed lost their joy. He felt like he was never happy. He was just scared, miserable and depressed. Most of all, he was tired of everything always happening to him. It was like he wasn't allowed too much happiness before something happened to bring it all crashing down around him. He was always the victim.
XXX
"Do you like him?" Kurt asked his sister.
"He's cute," she said, "but Kurt, I have a baby." Said baby was currently in Kurt's lap, gnawing on a rattle.
"He knows, Lucy. He's met Beth. Do you really think he'd ask you out if that was a deal breaker? Look. You've had horrible luck with guys. Sam's a really good guy; you deserve a good guy."
"It's not just me though, Kurt," Lucy argued. "I have to think about her. I can't just let guys in my life. I know she's little right now, but frivolous relationships just can't happen when you have a child that will get attached. And it's not like I have time for a relationship. I don't want to take any more time away from her than I have to already between work and school." She pulled Beth, who had started whining, out of Kurt's arms and laid her on her lap, situating her clothes to feed her daughter.
"I understand," Kurt agreed. "I just think you owe it to yourself to not sell yourself short."
"There will be plenty of time in the future for boyfriends. Right now, I need to focus on getting through high school with good grades so I can get into a good school and support Beth."
Kurt leaned his head on Lucy's shoulder as the movie continued. "You're a really good mom, you know," he told her.
But Sam was insistent. He came over often. He didn't really need an excuse, Finn and Kurt were two of his best friends, but he also played with Beth a lot as if trying to prove to Lucy that he knew she had a kid and wanted to be a part of that. And Lucy had to admit that she really liked him. When they won the duet competition, she almost opted out, but Carole insisted that she go and have a good time. Her dad was home by then, she knew her daughter was in good hands, and Lucy thought at the very least, it would be fun to hang out with Sam. He really was a nice guy. And the dinner was fun. Sam made her laugh. She felt like she could just be herself and not worry about being judged. But she still had a daughter to think about, and no time for a boyfriend.
XXX
The second week of October, Lucy answered a knock at the door, expecting it to be Sam. She was not expecting Puck.
"Out of juvie?" she asked after several moments of silence.
"Quinn, I…."
"Lucy," she corrected. "I told you I changed my name."
"Lucy," he amended. "Can I see her?"
"She's sleeping." She wasn't; she was inside with her dad, but she wasn't prepared to bring her out.
"Well…can I talk to you, then?"
Lucy stared at him for several long moments before stepping outside and closing the door. She sat on a porch chair and motioned to Puck to take another one.
"I owe you an apology."
"Gee, you think?"
"Look, Qu…Lucy. I was a jerk, and I'm sorry. I do love her; I want you to know that."
"You haven't seen her since June."
"I was in juvie, how was I supposed to see her?
"Puck! Responsible fathers don't drive through convenience store windows and drive out with an ATM!" She was shouting now. She took a breath and sat back in her chair. "What do you want?"
"I told you, I want to apologize. Look, I've never had a father. Mine walked out on me when I was a baby and my mother was never really there for me either. I don't know how to be a father. And I totally get why you chose Finn over me; you were right, he's better at it. I just want you to know…look, I'll let you raise her. I'll step back. I hope you'll let me know her, but I know she's better off without me in and out like I know I will be."
"So that's it?" she questioned. "You're letting yourself off the hook from parenting a child you created? You're abandoning her?"
Puck didn't have an answer to that.
"You know what, Puck? It's OK. I know you're not father material, and I don't want you bouncing in and out of her life as you see fit. I told you when I decided to keep her that I didn't expect anything out of you, and I stand by that. If you share in the responsibility, you get to share in the decisions, and you're not responsible enough for that role. So, you're right, she's better off without you."
Puck actually wiped away some tears before standing back up and walking toward the stairs. He paused, turning around. "When I thought you were doing the adoption, I was glad because I knew I wasn't father material. I was stupid about it, and mean to you and I'm sorry about that. It was hard to face not knowing her but I really did want what was best for her and I knew she'd be better off without me. Not you, though. She'd never be better off without you. When you kept her, I freaked out because I knew she was better off without me. You keeping her meant I had to be involved, and I didn't want that for her. I was a jerk about it, I know that…but I hoped by freezing you out it would make it easier to stay away. And I'm sorry. I won't interfere, but I hope you'll let me see her sometimes." He started down the stairs.
"Puck, wait," she said softly, half hoping he wouldn't hear. He did though, and paused. She went inside, taking Lucy from Burt's arms and bringing her outside.
"Whoa," he said, taking a look at the baby. "She looks just like you, Quinn…Lucy."
"Like my birth mom, actually," Lucy said, smiling at her daughter.
"Can I hold her?"
"She's extremely timid around strangers."
He walked up to Beth, putting his hand on her head. She burrowed her face in her mother's shoulders, reaching her tiny arms around Lucy's neck.
"You're doing a good job, Lucy," he told her. He rubbed Beth's back before turning and walking away.
On Thursday, Lucy was in her room working on homework. She had worked late, came home and put Beth to sleep. Her homework was catching up to her. She was exhausted and she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it up. She looked up as her parents knocked on her open door.
"Hey Luce, can we talk?" Carole asked taking a seat on her bed. Burt sat next to her. Lucy swiveled in her desk chair to face them.
"We can see how hard it's been for you to keep up with your work. You've been working very hard and we are proud of you," Carole told her daughter, "but you are exhausted and it worries us. You are still only 16, you're taking on too much."
"I'm a mother, I need to provide for Beth," Lucy protested. "I need to save for college."
"We understand that, Luce," Burt told her, "but at the rate you're going you are going to get burned out. You can barely keep up with school as it is, and I know how hard it is to have limited time with Beth."
"Listen, Lucy. You know the government gives us money every month for you and Kurt. Money that we don't need and never felt right about, which is why every bit of it goes into college funds for each of you. Grandma Lorrie also put a nice chunk into your fund when we adopted you, and we add to it monthly as well. You can apply for scholarships; as a teen mom and as a former foster child you will qualify for a lot. You will go to college if you want, and we will help you get there. You don't have to work yourself to the bone to do it," continued Carole.
"But Beth…"
"Beth is our granddaughter, but you are our daughter and you are still a child. I know we told you that you would be responsible for her, and we stand by that, but financially we are going to support Beth until you are an adult and able to do so yourself. You're going to have some more responsibilities around the house to earn that money. More cooking, caring for Emily when we need you to, but we want you to quit your job at Breadstix," Burt told her.
"But…I could maybe drop a shift?" Lucy didn't really have much of an argument. She was exhausted and this sounded like a much better alternative, but expecting her parents to support her child just sounded wrong.
"No, Lucy," Burt was firm. "The way you're going right now isn't healthy, and dropping a shift won't help much. Maybe next summer we can talk about a summer job, but right now we want you to quit. I know you've had to grow up quickly, but you still have some of your childhood left and you deserve to enjoy that."
Lucy launched herself into her parent's arms, and they held her tight. She thanked them multiple times. It was nice to let someone else take control, and she felt the relief wash over her. She truly didn't mind doing extra chores and helping with Emily until her parents got home from work. The toddler wasn't really much extra work; she was very well behaved and really, she was always underfoot anyway because of her obsession with her tiny niece. So, she lasted a month at her first ever job; three weeks if one counted the week she took off for Burt's heart attack.
XXX
Every day was a drag, the weeks blurred together. Kurt was feeling constantly on edge. His already precarious mental health was starting to suffer. He found himself having more panic attacks. He knew he had to get himself under control, and fast, before something bad happened. He felt like he was spiraling; constantly on the lookout. He skipped lunch often to meet up with Vince under the bleachers, which he felt was becoming a vice for him. He found himself texting Vince after school and meeting up several times when Kurt felt the need. Finn and Lucy knew something was up; they knew that the bullying was bad, but Kurt refused to talk about it.
With the exception of his brother and sister, along with Brittany and to a lesser, but equally protective extent, Sam, nobody at school really understood him. Even those four didn't totally understand him. When they were told they would be up against the Warblers, Kurt couldn't bring himself to care. He couldn't bring himself to care about a lot of things, each day just blended together. He could feel himself sinking into a depression, but he refused to talk about it. Even to his therapist. He would normally talk to Nick about it, but he hadn't spoken much to Nick since the kiss conversation. Nick said they were ok, but Kurt wondered if he had screwed that friendship up. Which just depressed him even more. He spent more and more time with Vince both during and after school and that's where he felt the most at peace. Part of it was the pot, he knew, but he found himself just enjoying talking to Vince. Sometimes about his problems; the drugs had a way of loosening his tongue and Vince seemed to have a genuine interest in Kurt. Sometimes they talked about Vince, and other times about random subjects.
He felt lethargic at home, but tried his hardest to play it cool and not draw suspicions. He tried to converse normally, he let Beth and Emily cheer him up. His family knew something was wrong, but they didn't know the extent. They didn't know about the bruises on his back from the daily locker shoves, or that Kurt was finding threatening notes stuffed through the vents in his locker. They didn't know about the text messages from anonymous numbers telling him to kill himself. They didn't know that sometimes he wondered if they had a point.
Mr. Schue pretended to (or maybe genuinely did) care. He seemed to listen to Kurt when he told him off for letting homophobia slide and not challenging them. He told them to sing songs opposite their gender, which Kurt actually was interested in. If he was forced to sing with the boys, at least this way it would be fun, but it was also too little, too late. It wouldn't solve any of the problems Kurt was having. Then, the boys listened to none of his ideas and Puck dismissed him totally. Kurt had enough. When he turned to leave the room, Sam held him back.
"Let's go for a walk, Kurt," he said, moving to accompany Kurt out the door, but Kurt stopped him.
"I just need some air, Sam," he told his friend. "I'll be fine, I just need to be alone."
What Kurt really needed was to meet Vince beneath the bleachers. Sam seemed hesitant, but Kurt gave him a smile and assured him, again, that he was fine. Sam took his seat next to Finn, who seemed equally hesitant to let Kurt go alone, and equally worried about him.
"Class is in session, I won't run into anyone," he assured them again before leaving.
Unfortunately, he was wrong. Kurt didn't make it to the bleachers before he passed Korofsky in the hall. He shoved him up against the locker and held him there, silently, not moving, for a good half a minute. Kurt could feel the lock digging painfully into his back. Korofsky didn't say anything but he didn't need to. Kurt took several deep breaths willing himself not to give in…this was not the time to go into flashback mode. Eventually Korofsky let him go, stalking away like nothing happened. Kurt crumpled to the floor and stayed there for several long moments, trying to get his breathing under control before pulling himself to his feet and quickly making his way outside to the bleachers. But Vince wasn't there.
Kurt didn't know what to do. He needed his fix. He felt like he was hyperventilating. He pulled his inhaler out of his messenger bag, and as he did so felt his fingers brush the car keys. He took a few puffs of his inhaler, then without really considering his options, headed toward the parking lot. He knew he wasn't in a good state of mind to drive, but he couldn't stay here.
He stalled at the exit to the parking lot for a long moment. Home was right, but he couldn't go home. It was a Monday so the girls were at the babysitter's, but his dad was still home from work on medical leave. Without really considering, he turned left. He made it to Westerville in record time. By the time he arrived, he was feeling just slightly more relaxed.
The fancy school was abuzz. Kurt couldn't help but look around in awe at the spiral staircase and gorgeous glass ceiling. Everyone seemed to be heading in the same direction.
"Excuse me?" he asked the boy in front of him. But wasn't sure if he should ask if the kid knew who Nick was, or…
"Can you tell me what's going on? I'm new here."
"My name's Blaine," the boy said, sticking out his hand. Kurt took it.
"Kurt," he introduced.
"Every so often, the Warbler's put on a performance in the senior commons," Blaine told him. "Come on, I know a shortcut."
He took Kurt's hand and led him through the school. He needed to see Nick. That's why he was here. And Nick was a part of the Warblers, so he followed Blaine without complaint.
The room was packed with students in black and red blazers.
"Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb," Kurt commented, scanning the crowd for his friend.
"Well next time, don't forget your jacket, new kid," Blaine winked, then went to join his friends. As the boys started singing and dancing, Kurt noticed Nick in the second row, just behind Blaine who was leading the song. He caught Nick's eye. His face grew first confused, then concerned. Kurt found himself enjoying the performance. They were really good, and the rest of the kids were enjoying it. The glee club wasn't bullied here. Blaine made eye contact with Kurt multiple times throughout the performance, and Nick's eyes never left him. As soon as the song ended, Nick made his way to his friend. Kurt threw his arms around Nick without thinking, relishing in the comfort he had been so longing for.
Hope you enjoyed! I got some awesome reviews for the last chapter; thank you so much! Keep the momentum going! I am struggling with the chapter I'm currently writing and they are extremely motivating.