Chapter 37: Recruit

November 21, 1943

Lu liked to think that she was tough. After two years in the military, she'd learned how to hide pain and emotions and anything that would make a uniformed man consider her an easy target. Even after Pearl, when she had dreams about the explosions and woke up sweating and gasping for breath, she refused to lean on anyone. She could deal with it herself.

But after a month in a dungeon, something in her mind refused to let her stay silent. Perhaps it was something they put in the serum, the one that tried to burn her from the inside out. Or perhaps it was because there was only so much one person could handle before they broke. Lu refused to believe that was the reason.

No matter how much she wanted to keep her pain locked away and put on a brave face, the nightmares that plagued her were so terrifying and felt so real that now she woke herself screaming. It had only happened the past two nights, but those two times were so horrifying that it made her wonder if this was how it was going to be forever. She knew her screams had to be waking everyone in the little Italian villa - she saw it at breakfast in the morning, when the other recovering soldiers glanced her way and then quickly looked down at their food. No one looked her in the eye except for Barnes and the middle aged woman housing them.

She thought she could make it through the night, but once again fear gripped her and screeches tore from her throat as she dreamed of a man in a white lab coat strapping her down to a table and forcing her to watch as they cut bits and pieces away from Barnes. His sounds of pain matched her own, her heart seizing as his blood painted the white lab coat red. She screamed for them to stop, to let him go, to take her instead, but the doctor paid no mind. He was focused on the victim in front of him.

Lu woke to Barnes shaking her, calling her name and trying to get her to snap out of it. At first when she saw his face, she saw him as he was on that operating table. But then her mind came back to her, taking in his bare chest and his intact skin and making her see that it was just a terrible, horrible dream. He must have run straight from his bed at the other end of the hall; his hair was a mess, and he was only in his boxers, not finding the time to put on the pajama pants they provided here. He confessed the first morning that they were too big and had a tendency to tangle around his legs, making him feel trapped. Lu understood the feeling.

"You're okay, Doc." he said, roughly pulling her to him. The dam broke, and despite spending her entire life hiding behind a mask of toughness, Lu found herself sobbing into his shoulder. He smoothed her hair and kept murmuring something, though she couldn't understand him over the sounds of her crying. "You're okay." he finally said, a little louder this time.

"What is going on?!" a voice exclaimed from the doorway. They both flinched, turning to see one of the other soldiers standing there, holding his cane like a weapon as if he could maneuver at all without it. He said something to Barnes in Italian, an accusation in his tone and the cane pointed at him like a sword. Barnes let go of Lu for a moment, holding his hands up in innocence as he tried to explain in his rusty Italian, stammering as he forgot the words he needed. The other soldier kept yelling over him, and Lu wondered how Barnes could understand him at all.

"Marito." Barnes finally said, putting his hand on his sternum. He tried to say something else, holding his hands out towards Lu, but his vocabulary failed him. The soldier looked at Lu, once again speaking rapidly in Italian and gesturing between the two of them with his cane. "Just agree." Barnes hissed, low enough that the man didn't notice.

"Yes, yes." Lu said thickly, her tears still making her throat tight. She suddenly realized how this must look, with a crying woman in her nightclothes and a man only in his boxers. "I'm fine." she said, hoping that the man understood her. He looked wary, so for good measure she reached over and took Barnes' hand, hoping to get the message across that way. His palm was warm, his fingers wrapping protectively around hers and helping her ground her to reality. The man huffed before nodding, pointing at Barnes one more time and saying something before turning and limping off.

"Damn." Barnes breathed, his shoulders dropping in relief. He sat next to her on the bed, still holding her hand. "You alive, Doc?"

"Yea. Yea, I'm alive." she said. She was glad he didn't ask if she was okay, because she definitely wasn't - and she definitely wouldn't admit it, even to him. "What did you tell him to make him understand?"

Even in the moonlight, she could see him blush. "I, um, told him I was your husband." he said, and despite the apparent chagrin he didn't look away from her. A squeak made it out of her as she sat ramrod straight, her eyes wide.

"What?" she gasped. He held up his hands, giving her a little bit of space.

"I'm sorry! I just - it was the first thing I could think of. I figured he'd leave us alone." he said, actually looking quite apologetic. She swallowed her panic, letting out a shaky breath.

"It's okay. It makes sense." she said, her heartbeat returning to a normal rhythm. He was totally right, even if the idea made heat rise into her cheeks. And if she was honest, she didn't really mind the idea.

"It makes sense for me to be your husband? I agree." he said with a grin, his confidence back now that he knew he didn't offend her. Lu glared out of the corner of her eye, crossing her arms over her chest. She tried to be indignant, but her hands were still shaking from her nightmare. It was still too easy to picture the doctor cutting into Barnes.

"I thought it was customary to ask first." she said, surprising herself and him with the comment. He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yea? And what would you say if I asked?" he countered. Her heart was suddenly pounding for an entirely different reason, the heat in her cheeks creeping down into her neck and chest. He'd said it in a teasing tone, but his smile had faltered, his expression somewhere between nervous and hopeful.

"I...I don't know." she stammered, immediately wanting to smack herself in the head. It wasn't a real proposal! They weren't really talking about this! Why couldn't she have just said 'yes'! Why couldn't she just admit, even to herself, that she wanted him to ask?

"Well I don't even have a ring, so it's a moot point." he said lightly, as if her response didn't just spear him in the chest. He still had that small smile on his face, still stayed close to her, and she quickly reached out to grab his hand as if he was about to leave.

"Thank you. For waking me." she said, squeezing his fingers tightly.

"Yea. I'm always here to save you." he replied, moving closer and pulling her to his chest, this time gently. She leaned into him, savoring the warmth of his skin and the weight of his arms around her, as if his embrace was all she needed to keep her safe in this war. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She hesitated, not wanting to admit that he was a weak point for her. But if she couldn't tell him about it, who could she tell? "They were hurting you. And I couldn't do anything." she said. She moved back, taking his face in her hands, as if she needed to make sure he was still there. She could still see his blood spattering the white lab coat every time she blinked, his screams echoing in the back of her mind. Whatever she was going to say was forgotten as she stared into his blue eyes, and instead she found herself saying, "I can't lose you."

"You won't. I'm right here." he said, leaning his forehead against hers. He put his hand up, his warm palm pressing her hand against his cheek so that his stubble bit just a little more into her hand. She didn't mind the discomfort, it helped her see that he was here, and he was real.

"I love you." she whispered, only the second time she said it out loud to him. It suddenly seemed impertinent that he knew. "And I do want to spend forever with you. I really do. I'm sorry I'm an ass sometimes."

He chuckled softly at her swearing. "You're not an ass. You're human. And for the record, I love you too. I'll be with you as long as you'll have me."

"I know I get snippy and nervous-"

"Doc." he leaned away so that he could look at her fully. "We're in uncharted waters. You don't have to have all the answers."

Funny, that was exactly what she expected of herself. "I'm afraid to lose you." she admitted, finally finding the root of all her fears. He made her feel things that she'd never felt before, made her have thoughts and dreams and plans of stuff that she never wanted until she met him. And that scared her. She knew he'd been with other women before, whereas her experiences with any facets of relationships were negligible. What if one day she wasn't enough?

"You're not gonna lose me." he reiterated. "Doc, we survived a goddamn science dungeon together. You think a little sarcasm is gonna run me off?"

"Maybe." she admitted. How many times had her mother told her that men wouldn't care for her humor? But apparently he either thought she was kidding, or thought the idea ludicrous, because he laughed.

"I hate to break it to you, but you're stuck with me." he said, his thumbs gently wiping away the remnants of her tears. "I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to."

She nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to garner some courage. "Will you stay in here tonight? Just - in the chair?" she said, still afraid to be considered improper even though the night they'd shared a bed in the hospital was one of the most restful in recent memory. He nodded, pulling the chair close to her bed and sitting down in it with a sigh.

"Don't worry, I won't tell my mother that you're asking me to shack up with you." he said with a grin. Her jaw dropped - part of her knew that he was kidding, but the bigger part of her, the part that was afraid that any step she took in this relationship would be her last, was terrified that he would tell on her. As if he read her mind, he grabbed her hand. "A joke, Doc. That was a joke."

"Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ." she said, losing all her breath in one go. "You can't do that to a girl."

"You've carted through war torn countries and amputated limbs, but my mother scares you?" he asked, one eyebrow lifted. Now that he said it out loud, it did sound silly, but she was never going to admit that. She burrowed under her covers to buy herself some time, using them as a barrier to hide her embarrassment.

"I know how to handle wounds. But mothers can have a much more serious effect on a man's life." she said knowingly. The mothers she'd been around back in Virginia came in two varieties: the demure doves determined not to raise a ruckus, or the cold and calculating madames that ran houses with iron fists. They often spoke of "liberal" women in places like New York, where rules were nothing more than guidelines and the envelope was pushed so much it was about to fall off the desk. What was it like to be raised by a woman like that?

Barnes snorted. "She would love you, you know."

"I don't know. That's why she scares me." she said lightly, as if she were kidding.

"Well I do." he said, pushing her hair out of her face and leaning to press a kiss to her forehead. She snagged the chain of his dog tags, tugging him closer so he would kiss her on the lips. It was still so new to her, sending a thrill down her spine and grounding her back in reality. Barnes was here, kissing her. He was fine.

"Tell me about her." she whispered when he pulled away, adjusting so she was more comfortable. He refused to let go of her hand, slouching down in the chair and resting his leg on her bed.

"Hm, well," he thought for a moment, staring up at the ceiling and tapping his free fingers against his chest. "Her name is Winnifred. Dad calls her Winnie. She works as a secretary at Scribner's, and completely abuses her privilege to get advanced copies of books from authors she likes. She and my father share a nightcap every night, but she still gets giggly and red-faced if she has a whole glass on her own. She'll like how no-nonsense you are."

"She will? You're planning on introducing us?" she asked. This time, she allowed herself to smile, and to feel the little glow of happiness in her stomach. Soldiers made plans all the time for after the war, and she had until then to convince her traitorous brain that Barnes wasn't like those other soldiers. After all, he'd kept his promises so far.

"Of course. I'll warn you now, she'll act all shy at first, but that's just a front. Once you feel a false sense of security, she'll hit you with the hard questions, like what you think about her roast beef or whether the articles in the New York Times are too biased." he replied.

"Oh, those are easy. It's delicious, and of course they are." Lu said, squeezing his hand. He smiled widely.

"See? You're all ready." he said. "Seriously though, you have nothing to worry about."

"I'll take your word for it." she said. There was no way she'd be meeting his mother any time soon, but the fact that he wanted her to was the important part. He pulled her hand to his lips, barely grazing them over her knuckles.

"Go to sleep, Doc. We'll make some more plans tomorrow." he whispered, laying his head against the chair back. The shift allowed the moonlight to spill over his face, highlighting the dark circles beneath his eyes. He wasn't sleeping well alone either. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Promise?" she asked, her own fatigue hitting her again. If she looked at his face now, she didn't see her dream, she just saw the man she loved.

"Promise." he said, gazing lovingly at her until she closed her eyes. His fingers relaxed and his breathing evened out, and with that comforting rhythm she was able to fall asleep again.

Lu was the first to wake, and allowed herself a few self-indulgent moments to admire Barnes. The sun was already up, the warm light streaming through the window of the villa and making his bare chest shine with an angelic light. He was so handsome; the thought used to piss her off, but now it just made her blush as her body reacted to him. Passages from the romance novels she read flitted unwittingly through her mind, and she found herself imagining what his fingers running over her skin felt like, or his chest pressing against hers-

Barnes twitched then blinked himself awake, his eyes immediately searching for hers. It was a fight to not hide underneath the covers, but his concerned look was enough to stop her. "Are you okay? Did you have another dream?" he asked. Did daydreams count? Because if so, yes, but it was not the kind of dream he meant.

"No, no I'm okay. Why?" she asked. Could he actually read minds? No, that was ridiculous. That sort of thing belonged in comic books and motion pictures.

"You just...look a little flushed." he said. She wished she could melt into the floor.

"Just got a little warm." she said, sounding strained even to her own ears. God, this man had her completely wound up, how humiliating.

He smiled, which did nothing to help matters, and gingerly extracted himself from the chair. Once again, he went to kiss her forehead, and once again, she pulled him back for a real kiss. She'd kissed a few men before him - mainly due to a healthy mix of curiosity and boredom - but it had never felt like this, never left her wanting more. Now she could almost understand what those romance novels were talking about.

"I'll let you get dressed." he murmured, moving to kiss her cheek. His skin had some distinct smell, though she couldn't place it. Also, since when could she smell his very skin? God damn him. He turned and left, and she noticed too late that he was still very conspicuously dressed in his boxers, quickly averting her eyes so she didn't see anything he didn't want her to.

She and Barnes must have been the last to get up. The typical breakfast spread was already put away, leaving them to search around the kitchen for some leftovers and half cups of cold coffee. Sitting in the sun room of the villa let them pretend there wasn't a war going on, and the quiet house let them sit closer than they normally would in polite company. It was as close to domestic bliss as they could get.

They were washing dishes when the mother of the house - a middle aged Italian woman who spoke very broken English - came in through the front door. Usually she had arms full of groceries, but today she had help in the form of one Steve Rogers, who of course could not help himself and had to carry them in for her. Lu wanted to be happy to see him, wanted to think that he was just here to visit, but something about his arrival made her uneasy. Barnes' face brightened immediately, and once Steve put the groceries down he embraced him like a brother. Steve gave her a bashful half grin, leaning in for a polite and respectful kiss on the cheek. It was so entirely normal that it made her head spin.

"Doc, how're you feeling?" he asked. Barnes came to stand next to her, putting his hand on the kitchen island and leaning against it, his arm barely touching her back. She wondered if he knew the little tells of jealousy - or, perhaps, it was protectiveness.

"Better. Much better." she said with a strained smile. "Is everything okay with you? At the camp?"

"Yea, oh yea. I'm actually shipping out tomorrow for London." he said. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something more, but closed it and looked instead to Barnes. "Can I borrow you for a second?"

"Sure." Barnes said, easy and breezy. Lu's heart contracted a little tighter, and for a moment she wanted to grab his hand and tell him not to go, not to talk to Steve. But before she could do anything, the house mother - Mari - took her hand and tugged her towards the groceries.

"Come. We cook." she said with a bright smile. Lu gave Barnes one last panicked look before he disappeared around the corner. Mari rubbed her shoulders in a comforting matter. "Food makes better."

"You're right, Mari." Lu said, trying to calm her frayed nerves and focus on what was going on in front of her. She could barely hear the men talking in the next room, their voices low but somewhat heated. If they could talk just a little bit louder, she might be able to understand them.

"Watch. Look." Mari said, her loud voice startling Lu from her intense eavesdropping. Lu looked to her, watching as she dumped some flour straight out of the bag and onto the island surface. The sound of the bag crinkling grated on her, and she could have sworn she heard every little speck of flour hitting the countertop. Mari went on undeterred, showing her how to use her fingers to shape the well, and then add the eggs to it. Lu, unable to split her attention or to hear the conversation over Mari's haphazard instructions, sighed and resigned herself to learning this new task.

Kneading the pasta turned out to be rather therapeutic, as did chopping the vegetables while the dough rested. When it came time to roll it out, she noticed her sheet was lopsided compared to Mari's, her body guarding in case any pain came from the incision in her ribs. But she didn't have any pain, much to her surprise. The tightness was still there, but if there weren't a scar, she would never think she'd had a thoracotomy.

"This make your sergeant happy." Mari declared, gesturing at the sheet of dough in front of her. This time her smile was genuine.

"Yes, I think it will." she said softly, glancing up to find Barnes leaning against the corner, watching her. Steve was nowhere to be found. Her hands went still at the look on his face, and when she turned to give Mari an excuse, the woman waved her away. She abandoned the project, going to see what the hell was going on. "What is it? What happened?"

"Steve got recruited. To some special ops thing." he said, pulling her into the empty sitting room and away from Mari's curious ears - as if she could understand them.

"Oh." she breathed. That was it? She realized she needed to show some empathy. "I'm sorry. I know you worry about him."

"He asked me to come with him."

A rock dropped into Lu's stomach, and she couldn't decide if she wanted to choke or throw up or pass out. Or perhaps all three. How aggravating. She licked her lips, trying to get her mouth to say something, anything. "Oh." she said again. "I - are you-"

"Come with me." he said, taking her hands earnestly. "They're planning on going after Hydra directly, taking down all the bases where they're doing the same shit that they did to us. There's a whole elite team, you know a lot of them, Morita and Dugan and-"

"I - I can't." she said, shaking her head. Going back into the belly of the beast? The idea alone was enough to make her spine freeze in panic. All the warmth and joy of the morning was gone, and she was acutely reminded of why she never let herself get close to anyone.

"Of course you can. The boys want you there. You're the best goddamned doc we know, and Lord knows we're gonna need a lot of patching up-" Barnes went on explaining, completely missing the point.

"No, I mean - I don't know if I can do it. If I can go back in there." she said. She felt dizzy. This was too much. He furrowed his brows, blinking slowly a couple times.

"I mean, you wouldn't be going in the bunkers. But c'mon, you can handle whatever scrapes and bruises we come up with, you're a whiz at all the trauma stuff." He was so sweet, really, to be so encouraging. But he didn't understand.

"I don't want to see more trauma." she whispered.

"What do you mean? You love it." he said. She shook her head again.

"I got into nursing to deliver babies. I went into the Navy because it would take me far away from home. I never wanted...I never planned to do any of this. Never planned to see all of this." Never planned to meet you. Never planned to fall in love.

Barnes seemed to understand then, and wordlessly let her hands drop. She felt some emotion well up inside her, either panic or anger, depending on his reaction. She expected him to be like George, to yell how this was what was best, that she needed to listen to him, that he knew what she wanted. He turned away from her, one hand on his hip and the other raking through his hair, giving her no choice but to wait it out. When he finally looked back at her, she didn't see anger, only...fear?

"Will you...I mean…" he paused. She couldn't bear if he asked her again, cause this time she wasn't sure she could say no. "Would it be presumptuous of me to ask for you to wait for me?"

"What?" Whatever reaction she was expecting, that wasn't it. He moved back to her, taking her face in his hands.

"I know it may be a while. But I - I love you, and after this is all over I wanna be with you. I can't…" he stopped again, just leaning his forehead against hers. "If I can't have you with me, I think I'll only make it through if I know you're on the other side."

Lu thought she couldn't be surprised anymore. She was wrong.

"You want me...to wait?" she asked, her chest feeling like it was about to crack open with the way Barnes was looking at her.

"I understand if you can't." he said, still looking at her so intensely it scared her. "But I had to ask. I had to."

He was giving her a choice. When did a man ever give her a choice?

Her love for him overwhelmed her, and she found herself tightly gripping the front of his shirt. The thought of him walking out that door became more terrifying than the thought of going out with him, the vision of him laying somewhere dying without her there to help making it hard to breathe.

"I'll go with you." she said, the words both exciting her and scaring her. This would be some grand adventure they would talk about someday. Or they would die out there somewhere, trying to make the world better. Either way, they would be together.

"You don't have to." he said, shaking his head.

"I want to. I want to go with you, I want…" she paused, steeling herself. She couldn't hide things from him anymore. "I want to be with you. For better or worse." She'd been awkward about their jokes earlier. Now she hoped he knew she meant it.

"Serious?" he asked. She nodded. He threw his arms around her, crushing her to his chest and squeezing the last bit of doubt from her. She wanted - needed - to go with him.

She wasn't sure how things would end. But she was sure this was the right choice.

Oh man, not gonna lie, I've been looking forward to this chapter for a long time! I hope I did it justice!

I can't thank y'all enough for your reactions to this story! I smile like a fool at every review, y'all are seriously the best. I'm obsessed with all y'all's reactions. So please please please take a moment and let me know what you thought! Or if you have any predictions of what's going to happen!

I may not be able to update next weekend, but I'm certainly going to try my best. Thank you so much for reading!

-XM