A/N: so I just realized that I made a mistake in my first fic 'if you love me, don't let go'. I said Yumiko's parents divorced when she was nine and she moved to the united states, but I was taking another look at the timeline I've worked out and she was actually thirteen. Nine does not work with my timeline at all (which will become apparent in later fics) and I don't know why I wrote that. Oops. So, sorry for the confusion.

Past

Miko returned, armed with a couple of granola bars which she unceremoniously dumped on Magna's lap.

"I'm going to go give those poor things some food and water," she said, already headed off in the direction of the backroom. The waiting room had had two dead dogs in it but they'd noticed during their search of the place - before they'd run into the jaws of the living dead - the cages full of animals. Some of them had succumbed to dehydration and hunger, but there were still a few left hanging on. The cages had done a decent job of protecting them from getting eaten, even as they had starved them.

Turned out Miko's hope of a puppy rescue hadn't been entirely naive.

Magna shifted. "I'll come help."

The lawyer pointed a firm finger at her. "No, you stay here and rest up. Eat. I'd like to come back to find you have at least some of your former coloring. You're pale as a ghost."

"I'm fine." She hopped off the table to prove the point.

The point cowered at the sight of Miko's finger. "Sit before I make you sit."

Magna huffed but settled back down, grumbling to herself as she tore at the wrapper of a granola bar.

Miko grinned. "Good girl. Now stay." Ignoring the responding glare, she disappeared into the back room.

"You're an asshole, Miko!"

No response.

"Yeah, you better run," she muttered, angrily tearing off a piece of the granola bar and shoving it in her mouth.

She knew, deep down, that the reason she hadn't told Yumiko the truth all those years ago wasn't because she'd been afraid of ruining her one chance at getting out of prison - she'd never actually believed that she would get out. No, she'd been afraid of something else entirely.

It was obvious that, the moment the lawyer knew the truth, she would walk away. Drop Magna like a scalding hot fucking potato and never look back. And then she'd lose the only person left in the world who seemed to give a shit about her, even if that care was built on a lie. Against her best efforts, Miko had worked her way past the first barriers of her defense, had become someone that she actually liked.

Her visits were the only thing Magna had to look forward to in that hell. They broke up the monotony of prison, provided a safe haven in amongst the chaos inherent to being constantly surrounded by people, by threats.

They were all she had.

Miko was all she had.

Even if she'd been just a client to her, the other woman had stopped being just a lawyer to Magna. She'd become more than that. So much more.

She'd been a lifeline.

And as long as she'd continued with her case, Magna got to keep her.

It was probably the most selfish thing she'd ever done.

But she had already committed murder and bought herself a ticket to life imprisonment, so being selfish was the least of her sins. Her soul was probably already damned to hell. She might as well enjoy what she could of the time she had left before it got there.

Present

Her aunt's favorite tale from the bible had been that of Jacob and Esau. Of the innate nature inside every human being, chosen by God. Predestination. Some people, she would say, are good. And some are bad. And it was never really up to a person which one they would turn out to be, for it had already been decided by God the moment that they had entered their mother's womb.

The good would receive God's favor and love - and would become examples of it in the world He had created for them.

The bad would receive His scorn and ultimate damnation. They would wreak destruction across that world.

She had made no secret of which category she thought Magna fell into.

As a child, the story had always made her feel hopeless. Not only, according to her aunt, was she wicked but there was nothing within her power she could do to change it. Her story, her every impulse and action, had already been planned out by God. He had decreed from the moment of her inception that she would be destined for hell.

Her time on earth was about proving that she deserved such a sentence, sewing the seeds of her own damnation.

It had taken her a long time to understand that it wasn't God who had decided that she could bring nothing into the world but darkness.

It was her aunt.

Her aunt, who'd never forgiven Magna's mother for stealing her father's attention; for becoming the 'lucky' woman he'd chosen to marry.

A woman whose visage Magna embodied to an almost painful degree, even if she'd gotten nothing of her personality.

Her amenability.

Her kindness.

When her mother had ceased to be present and her father ceased to exist, Magna had been the only remaining candidate for her aunt's scorn.

Her punishment.

It wasn't about Magna.

The things her aunt said about her, the bible verses she made her memorize to agonizing accuracy, the steadfast belief that her niece would never amount to anything worthwhile, anything good. . .

It wasn't about Magna.

And it sure as fuck wasn't about God.

But that was an understanding she struggled to maintain. The road of rewriting the lessons of her youth a long and arduous one, full of pitfalls.

Sometimes it was just easier to listen to the voice of her aunt in her head.

It echoed so much of what Magna was already thinking.

"You know, I meant what I said back then."

Miko's voice startled her from her thoughts and she glanced up to find the other woman gazing at her thoughtfully. "Meant what?"

The former lawyer sighed and reached for her hand, frowning slightly as she noticed the half-moon indentations on the inside of her palm. She didn't comment, though - she never did - and instead traced a thumb over the five black dots on the outside. "This." She tapped the center spot. "It doesn't define you."

Yeah. Right.

Magna resisted the urge to scoff. "You said that back when you thought I was innocent. When you thought that I was never meant to go to prison in the first place."

It was easier not to be defined by something that was false.

Miko wasn't fazed. "Doesn't matter. I meant it then and I mean it now." She sighed. "What happened was. . . big. And life changing. But it's not all you are." She looked away a moment. "We're more than our pasts. Than a moment in time."

"Pretty big fucking moment."

Moments could destroy a person, or build them back up. They could change everything.

Miko shrugged. "Most moments that matter are. But just because they're big doesn't mean that they have to take up our whole lives. They don't deserve that kind of power."

Magna got the feeling that she wasn't just talking about her time in prison and frowned. She opened her mouth to question the other woman but paused. Whatever it was, Miko had decided not to share it.

In prison, she'd learnt to listen without asking questions. Prying into someone else's business was the fastest way to make an enemy.

It had been the only aspect she hadn't minded. Finally, she didn't have to make an effort to keep other people's noses out of her shit. Even her shrink had kept the questions to a minimum. Though, that was more out of respect for her boundaries - which had been a whole new bewildering experience to adjust to - than any fear of retaliation.

If Miko wanted to talk, she'd talk.

Magna wouldn't push her into it.

Still. . . "You okay?"

The other woman sighed but smiled apologetically, catching herself. Whatever had been lurking beneath the surface of her expression was pushed back down to its depths. Magna couldn't follow it. "It's just been a bad couple of days. And it's not over yet. The Whisperers are still out there. And Connie's. . ."

Magna swallowed, looked down. "Yeah."

For a moment, she had almost forgotten. Too caught up in her own shit.

How could she forget?

She pulled her hand free of Miko's, jaw clenching as she brought her hands up to clasp around her knee, nails digging in through the material as the recriminations flew through her head.

It felt wrong, to be trying to patch up her life, to repair things with Miko when Connie was still out there. Alone. Possibly injured and scared.

Dead.

How could she even be thinking about any of this right now?

But maybe it wasn't so surprising.

That was the kind of person she was. Selfish. Fucked up.

"What is it?"

Magna clenched her jaw, staring at her knee as she tried to ground herself in the sharp pressure her nails provided, tried to bring herself back from the edge. She exhaled. "I'm sorry I'm not the person you thought I was."

She'd wanted so badly to be. But she was who she was. She couldn't change that. Not even for Miko.

The other woman's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

She shrugged. "You know, innocent. Good."

She didn't feel bad about what she'd done. Didn't regret it.

But she also knew that good people didn't commit murder.

Not in the way she had.

Miko had killed people. But always in self-defense or defense of another.

Just like her mother.

Magna couldn't say the same.

But she'd been willing to sacrifice what little goodness she had inside her if it meant making that son of a bitch pay for what he did to Maisie. If it meant stopping him from doing it to some other little kid.

And she'd do it all again. In a heartbeat.

Even if it meant she'd never live up to any of Miko's beliefs in her. Never be someone that was actually worthy of her love.

Even if it got her sent to hell.

That lack of regret, lack of guilt. . .

Good people weren't like that.

Miko wasn't like that.

"Magna."

She refused to look up until a hand reached out, cupping her face. She gave into its insistence, raising her chin and taking in the frown now settled on Miko's face.

"You may not be innocent but you are good."

Magna scoffed and looked away.

The hand would have slipped from her face but Miko held it steady, drawing her attention back, gentle but firm. "Hey. I mean it." Her eyes were blazing and Magna swallowed, trying not to give in to the belief she saw there, the trust. "You are exactly the person that I thought you were."

Miko reached out and recaptured Magna's hand and she was helpless to resist the pull.

Her face screwed up. "But I-"

"Lied?" She raised an eyebrow, unwavering. "Yes. And I'm still mad at you for that, by the way. But that's not-"

"I killed him, Miko. That person you met was a lie."

Yumiko stared at her for a long while, not saying anything, but the hand remained firm at her cheek, another holding Magna's tight in her lap. "No, she wasn't. I know what I saw in you that day, and I've seen it in you every day since then. I see it in you now. I thought it meant you were innocent but. . ." She exhaled, gripping Magna's hand tighter. "But I've learnt since then, I've had to, that being innocent doesn't necessarily mean being good. God knows, I'm not innocent anymore."

Magna shook her head. "Miko, you're-"

"Good? I hope so. I try to be. But sometimes. . ." She wet her lips, momentarily getting lost in the past, the darkness of it, and now it was Magna's turn to squeeze her hand, bring her back. "You think I'm good. You believe that?"

Magna scowled. "Of course I believe it, I-"

"Just as much as I believe the same of you. You are a good person, Magna Carter."

Her nose wrinkled, her train of thought momentarily derailed. "I hate it when you use my full name."

Miko's eyes twinkled. "I know. That's why I use it. It's the only way to guarantee I'll actually get your attention."

Magna rolled her eyes, looking away to hide the traitorous smile threatening at her lips. It seemed almost supernatural, Miko's ability to make her smile even when she least wanted to, when there was nothing in the world worth smiling about. "Well, you've got it."

"But not your belief?" the other woman guessed accurately and Magna sighed.

"I just. . ." How to explain? "I don't want to let you down. Not again."

"The only way you could do that is by lying to me again. Pushing me away. Again."

Magna bit her lip. That was exactly what she was afraid of. Old habits were hard to break for a reason. "And if I do?"

Miko took a breath and she knew it wasn't the response she'd been hoping for but, after a moment, the other woman managed a somewhat wry tilt to her lips. "Well, if these were the old days, I'd have you get me a couple of tubs of quality ice cream to try and make up for it. And have you walk my dogs for a week."

Magna's eyes widened. That really would be a punishment. Those dogs had been demons on a horrifying mix of steroids and methamphetamines most days, just another reason she was never getting a pet.

Ever.

She'd stick with horses, thanks.

Miko continued. "But seeing as that's no longer an option, I think I'll settle for an apology. And a promise to do better next time. And for you to actually mean it."

"I always mean it." And she did. Her actions just never seemed to follow her intentions. She was always fucking things up for herself, even when she tried her best not to.

Miko's gaze softened. "I know. And that's why I always forgive you."

"Maybe you shouldn't."

"Well, I think that's my choice, don't you?"

Magna's frown didn't falter.

Miko squeezed her hand, the corners of her mouth turning down. "I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about my feelings and wants to hurt me," she continued firmly. "This isn't that. If it was, I'd be gone."

Magna's frown flickered as she weighed up the honesty in that response, trying to determine whether those facts had any merit.

She did care about Miko's feelings and she never wanted to hurt her.

But that didn't mean that she wouldn't end up doing exactly that.

Didn't mean that Miko still didn't deserve better, though she could admit that, in the Apocalypse, her options for 'better' were relatively sparse.

But. . .as long as the other woman was determined to have her, Magna would endeavor to do everything she could to give her that 'better'.

Maybe, one day, that would be enough.

Miko sighed then, pulling at Magna's hand and drawing her in. She went with the motion reluctantly, at first, before caving to temptation and allowing the other woman to settle her back against her chest, wrapping her arms around her. The hold was loose enough not to be constricting but firm enough to provide comfort. Magna felt almost safe inside it.

She usually did in Miko's arms.

"Come on," the other woman murmured in her ear. "Stop trying to ruin things and just enjoy the moment. Just for a little while. We're alive and we're together." She felt a brief kiss against her head, relaxed a little more into the hold. "We made it. Enjoy that."

Magna blew out a breath but she couldn't help the small smile that edged its way onto her face. "You might have a point."

"I usually do."

. . .

'(for the children not yet being born, nor having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works but of Him who calls), it was said to her, "The older shall serve the younger." As it is written, "Jacob I have loved, but Esau I have hated." What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not! For He says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion."'

- Romans 9:11-15 NKJV

A/N: we're starting to draw to a close.

not sure how I feel about this chapter. . .

Raise your hand if your non-religious public school forced you to take part in a religious education but only for Christianity? Like, if you're gonna make kids learn religion at least learn all of them - or more than one.

I'm not religious myself, mostly because I've seen it cause too much harm. But I think any religion can be good and provide comfort to a lot to people. Unfortunately, a lot of bad people can use it to cause harm or suit their own needs and that has devastating consequences. Pastoral narcissism, for instance, is a big problem in churches. But when I do criticize religion, it's not really the religion itself that I'm criticizing but rather the institutions and the people who manipulate and pervert it for their own ends.