DECEMBER 8 SUNDAY

Sirius was a natural salesman.

"Get your amulet, 2 quids only. Handmade by my blind grandmother, who has no fingers."
That was of course a lie. Sirus's nan hadn't made a thing herself all her life.

His jear terking tale of the hardships his poor gypsy nan had faced had sold ten amulets already.

"Does your nan really have ten mouths to feed?" Hannah Hogweed asked.

"Sure she does!" Sirius replied and showed on his body. "Here, here, here. And here. And here. And also here..."

Feeding his demented old nan was a special kind of horrible.

"How come she is blind and has no fingers?" asked Pat Pennywort, like he was quizzing him and looking for contradictions.

"The French-Romanians have always been terribly oppressed!"
Particularly by Sirius's nan. She had oppressed them pretty badly. The French-Romanians had not taken kindly to that.

Pennywort was still skeptical.

"Forgive me if I don't believe that any nan of yours would be living in poverty!"

"That is so ignorant! She recently lost her entire wealth to a gambling problem. People don't understand that it's a sickness. Nobody has offered her any support. Poor nan has nothing now. It can happen to anybody."

"Oh. I'm sorry, I had no idea..."

"You sure didn't!"

"So your nan really has nothing?"

"My nan literally has nothing! Only four castles, ten vineyards and a couple of banks."

"I knew you were lying!"
"So what! Do you want to protect yourselves from the Yule Giant or what?"

The word of the Yule Giant and the severity of her coming was already going around so Sirius needed not explain all that to these tossers.

"I'd like to buy an amulet," said Hannah Hogweed.

Sirius took her money and gave her an amulet.

"How do we know they work?" she asked, after the transaction.

(Hufflepuffs.)

"Are you accusing me of scamming?" Sirius asked back.

"No."

"No giant is going to eat you now, that's all you need to know."

"Ok, good. Thank you."

Pennywort wanted to leave.

"Let's go, Hannah!"
Hannah Hogweed however wanted to linger.

"So I guess you have a date for the ball then?"

"Come on, Hannah! Everybody knows he does and who it is!"
"I know that, but people change their minds all the time. Or come to their senses..."

Another jab at Deb Crool, how original. Sirius couldn't care less what people thought of her late night badger boiling activities.

"I have to ask," said Hannah Hogweed, ignoring Pat Pennywort's obvious impatience. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" Sirius asked.

Hannah Hogweed was suddenly on the brink of laughing.

"What people have been saying. Are you really... Are you really...?"

She broke into fits of laughter she could not suspend no matter how hard she tried. Just what was so funny?

"Are you really going to the ball with Toady?" Pennywort asked for her.

Sirius could guess it all. James had fed Toady some lie and now this lie was going around. He'd probably call it Sirius's idea, too. But the only place he'd ever take Toady was a swamp.

"Yes," he replied.

He had a bet to win.

Hannah Hogweed suffered a few bouts of after-laughs. She dried the tears from her eyes.

"It's a joke. Isn't it?"

"Your roots are a joke."

That wiped the smile from her face.

"Toady is way cool, don't you know?" Sirius went on to say.

"Is she?" Pennywort asked.

"You guys..." Sirius shook his head at them both. "You don't even know, you're SO behind! Toady is right about you..."

"Right about what? What's she been saying?"

"That's between me and Toady, alright! Excuse me."
Sirius could hear his anti-McGonagall amulet play Auld Lang Syne on bagpipe in his pocket and hurried off.

He ran into James and his notebook.

"Keeping a checklist has really helped!" he said. "I've given Toady some tips on how to make friends. That will put all my unused anecdotes to good use!"

"You're welcome!"

James looked over his notebook.

"You mean you'll do it?"

"Pretend that Toady is my date for the ball? Sure, no problem."

"But it's you she wants! Nobody could have seen that coming!"

"Nobody wants to see that coming!"

"I thought we were doing this together. But I suppose you're only in as long as you don't have to see it coming!"

"I told you. I have a girlfriend."

"I'm in the mood of getting a girlfriend right now!"

He looked around for a suitable candidate and saw Rora.

"Hey Rora! What's in store for a Gemini? Do you want to be my g-"

Sirius put his hand over James's mouth and pulled him inside a cupboard.

There were lots of strategically placed cupboards everywhere.

"She's not the most popular witch at Hogwarts," Sirius reminded him. "That was what you wanted! Remember? Why do I have to keep reminding you of this!"
"I did want that. But now it's like I don't care. It seems to me that any girlfriend of mine would earn a reasonable degree of popularity from that alone so I might as well make it somebody hot."

"Yes of course. But all this secret keeping... People are expecting you to turn up with a witch of outrageous beauty! Somebody 2-3 years your senior like Gwendolyn Lockhart!"

"Then I shall ask Gwendolyn Lockhart if she wants to be my girlfriend!"
"No, no, that's not good at all!"
"And why not, Padfoot? Why not?"

"Don't you care about this bet at all now? I thought you NEVER backed down from a challenge!"

"It's not backing down from a challenge. It's stepping back and re-evaluating the situation."

"And then you told Moony to get back in the quit hole with the other quitters."
"I told Toady she could have whomever she wants and, lo and behold, it's you she wants!"
"Fine. If you want to give up, give up."

"It's not giving up, it's taking a nap."
"I seem to recall a story. A wise chap once told me this story. This elite quidditch player broke a mirror. His team players feared him after that, they were afraid he would bring great misfortune to the entire team. And indeed, the elite player didn't perform as well as usual, he was very accident prone. He was even demoted to a reserve. Then it was like the Cup Final or something and one chaser contracted syphilis and couldn't play the second halftime. A wise old man said: you must let Darren O'Hare play. The coach was like, no, he's rubbish, he'll ruin everything! But the mysterious old man was persistent and Darren O'Hare was allowed to play. And he was so incredible they won the thing. Because one man dared to believe."

They contemplated the touching message behind the story.

"I told you that story," said James. "It's in Darren O'Hare's autobiography."
"If it had been a story of one genius player being genius it wouldn't have been such a great story."

"That could also be a great story, perhaps greater. But I think the world has room for all stories."

"It's great because one man beat the odds, because another person dared to believe."

James shed a single tear.

"I told Toady she could have whomever she likes. It would be unfeminist to take it back."

"So tell her you really fancy her, then she'll pity you enough."

"You always know how to talk me into things, Padfoot."

"If the Yule Ball was tonight we'd go to bed 200 wizard-pounds richer. This is a scam, after all."

"That's like... a lot of brush ointment. I guess we better find ourselves a Fairy Godmother, then!"

Blasted, Sirius thought.

"But think of the gay horses!"

But James refused to think of the gay horses.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So James and Sirius went down to Little Paris in Hogsmead.

"Remember Halloween?" James asked. "We became the super-league The Mischief Managers, and our adversaries were in the French Mafia?"

"None of that rings any bell."
"Then Moony slaughtered those adversaries because it was a Full Moon but we didn't know that because Sourpus Grape had switched our calendars and given us gullibus-potion?"

"Oh yeah! What of it?"

"You knew those bakers!"

"Do you think that just because I know some people in the French Mafia I can just turn up and ask for some fairy dust without waking up to find a horsemeat eclair in my bed?"

"Yes!"

"For you I'll try."

James was glad,

The Tojours Fromage headquarters were located beneath a cheese shop, in an underground factory where hot cheese mass flowed in cheese canals through a dark tunnel.

"A fondue river!" James exclaimed. ""Is this where they make the cheese?"

"That's racist," said Sirius.

"But isn't this fondue?"

"Can't you tell the difference between nougat and cheese? Pfft, fondue! This isn't the Swiss mafia, Tojours Muesli!"
"So this cheese shop produces nougat. How interesting."

"Guess so. Nougat mass is very, very hot."

Somebody screamed further down the tunnel.

"You know what else is very, very hot?" James asked. "Melted iron."

They found the waiting room and sat down by a table. Sirius had an entire bar of nougat from a plate. James had one as well.

Good thing he had brought cortihistamine potion.

When Sirius stopped looking horrified he knew he was no longer swollen.

"Do you know who the Fairy Godmother is?" James asked.

Sirius took a long time to reply.

"Maybe..."
A witch, presumably the secretary, with a powdered wig and a powdered face came in swaying a large skirt cage. She showed them to what looked like a 16th century royal ball room. Enormous windows outlooked the French riviera.

"Mr. Black," said the secretary. "Here are the garcons that just came wandering in here just now."

A wizard dressed like Marie Antoinette took long sweeping steps across the room with his arms reached out.

"Givemelix, darling! Mr Black is my father! I've told you to call me Betty!"
"Your unscheduled victims, Betty."

"Thank you, Lix! Mwa, mwa! Does this make-up make me look fat?"

"No, Betty."
Givemelix made herself disappear with a wave of her baguette. Betty took some fancy crystal glasses from a vitrine cabinet.

"Booooooys!" he said, holding that note for a while. "Ok, who wants absinthe?"

He was looking for the absinthe spoon when he actually noticed Sirius. His chin fell.

"But! It's Sirius!"

He hurried towards him and squeezed his cheeks together and forced some continental cheek kisses on them. "Look who decided to surprise me! To think I almost served you absinthe. What kind of role model would I be, if I gave you absinthe? Hm what else do I have? Some Ciroc? St Remy? Grand Marnier? Anything but that Swiss poison!"
He spat on the floor, or made disdainful spitting sounds at the floor anyway.

"Ciroc, then?"

"No thanks," said Sirius. "I don't drink and walk. In these shoes."
"That's wise. One shouldn't drink and walk. In those shoes. Did you just fancy seeing your dear young favourite uncle Betelgeuse or what?"

Shrug. "How you been?"
"Excellent. I recently returned from Boston. But enough about me! I want to know about you! For example, how old are you now?

"14."

Nod, nod. "I thought so. How's school? You doing well in school and all that?"

"Yeah."

"Giving those mudbloods a hell of a time I hope!"
"I think so. Some of them I'm sure."
Betelgeuse seemed pleased, because he nodded, pleased. James decided to interrupt.

"Sorry to interrupt."

"Oh yeah," said Sirius. "This is my friend James."

Betelgeuse smiled at him, and put his arms around Sirius, for a private whisper party.

"Is he the one you had that over one time?" he whispered.

"What?"

"Nevermind. Please interrupt!"

"I was just wondering, are you the fairy godmother?" James asked.

"That's what I call me! People come to me with their problems and I fix them with that special magic!"
"What sort of magic is that?"

Betelgeuse hesitated. He glanced at Sirius, who shook his head discreetly. James felt like a proper moron.

"Why, only the WHITEST magic you can think of, of COURSE!" Side-wink.

And then he mumbled: "Guess so..."

"I want to know what sort of wishes you grant," said Sirius.

"Death wishes, mostly. 'Dear Betty, will you kill my gran so I can have her pearls?', that sort of thing. This is the Tojours Fromage, not the Red Cross. You know that, right?"

"So you use Dark Arts, then?" James asked.

"Yes I use it quite a lot."

James wished he hadn't come here. This wasn't the sort of fairy he had looked for.

"What's with the outfit?" Sirius asked.

"Costume party. We all have to be Marie Antoinette. So can I do anything for you or what?"
"Well actually, we came to ask for a favour."

"I don't think we should ask him any favour!" James whispered.

"But it might not require any Dark Arts."

"Hey I'm sure there won't be a need for it!" said Betelgeuse. "What's the problem?"

"We need to transform a very ugly witch into a beautiful witch in time for the Yule Ball. Yeah you're right, that probably requires the most powerful dark arts there is. Ok let's go."

"Well let's stay and find out at least," said James, but he wasn't hopeful.

"Her wit and charm must be out of this world for you chaps to do this wonderful thing for the poor girl!" said Betelgeuse.

"No we're doing it for money," Sirius assured him.

"Oh thank God. Well I'm sure I can fit something in..."

Betelgeuse whistled and a white bat brought him his calendar.

"When is it? Shall I make it last minute for a surprise effect?"

"Yes. It's on the 14th."

"Seven good? Good."

He closed the calendar and the appointment was settled. James was a little anxious because there hadn't been any mention of any deal.

"Is that it?" he asked.

"You tell me. Is there more?"

"You won't put a gay eclair in my horse now?"

"You came for a favour, darling, so it's a favour I'm doing you. I'll be there with my fairy wand, badabing badaboom, no charge!"

"Wow thanks!"

"Not at all!"

Betelgeuse followed them to the door.

"Really appreciate this," said Sirius. "And I feel bad for being put off by your campness before."

"Darling if you hadn't been put off by my campness I would have failed!"

Although hesitant at first James was now glad they had come here to make this appointment. The make-over was happening now. The My Fair Lady-Over was happening now. Toady was going to be hot, and that popularity and tolerable personality was sure to follow!