Notes.
Warnings ! This chapter is quite hard and contains references to miscarriages and the loss of a child. If you're really sensitive to these issues, I suggest you wait for the next chapter and avoid reading this one. It won't disturb the understanding of the story, I swear, at least not too much.
CHAPTER VII
"Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it."
(Haruki Murakami, japanese writer, "Norwegian Wood")
a. Thanatos
The wet nurse came to see her at breakfast, her eyes flooded with tears, to tell her that her little boy had died. She had found him in his crib, motionless and with bluish lips, as she came to give him his usual myosi breast feed. She had called for him several times, had lifted him up, out of despair, in complete incomprehension : the little body was already cold and stiff, enwrapped in his beautiful swaddling clothes like the doll of a child who had grown too big to play with it. The doctor had already been brought in to examine the baby in his room.
Min-So, who was starting her soup, received the news with as much emotion as if someone had come by to tell her that the gardener had finally trimmed the rosebushes in the backyard. She had no illusions: she knew that the pain and rage would climb up every muscle in her body all day long and finally explode at night, when she would be alone in her room, confronted with herself and her doubts. This was how it had always happened. After nine years of miscarriages, sudden infant death syndrome, and vain hopes, Hong Min-So tragically began to realize that the gods would never grant her the much desired son that Cho-Rip (Hong Guk Yeong) was dreaming about since he had married her.
She pushed her meal aside, suddenly feeling disgusted by the food and the opulence of the dishes. She was tempted to order soju, a large carafe that she could empty at her convenience, but she knew that Cho-Rip (Hong Guk Yeong) was due back in the late afternoon and that he could not bear to see her like this, drowning her sorrow in alcohol. He saw this as a male manifestation of grief, and felt that women had to act more delicately.
She came to hate him for his insensitivity, for the cruelty he showed her. He made her pay for his marriage, for her maternal failures, for his professional problems. And yet, things had not always been like that. There had been a time when the future had been full of promise and opportunity for them, but Min-So didn't know where her hopes had gone, and she feared she would never find them again.
Time had remarkably done its work, without clemency, without generosity. The luxuriant green horizons of her youth had become an arid desert, devoid of life and joy. They had become her dead baby, to whom she should have hastened as any good mother would have done, provided they had not experienced other similar tragedies. But it was one more time, one more repetition of the past, and Min-So felt her energy abandon her, her fighting spirit disappear. She could see the little girl she once was walking through the halls of her house and escaping her sight, slowly but surely, and each new failed pregnancy, each new dead baby, drove her further and further away.
She stood up, followed the nurse to her child's room. She had become pregnant in the first months of her marriage, in the winter of 1768. She remembered how happy she was back then, how satisfied Cho-Rip was (he was still Cho-Rip in those days) and how enchanted people had been by the announcement of her pregnancy. Her aunt Jang-Mi, who had been married to Huk Sa-Mo for more than a year and had already given birth to a beautiful, pink and healthy baby girl named Ju-Won, had moved in with her at Cho-Rip's request to help her.
It was a first pregnancy with monumental implications, taking place in the midst of a first wave of Gwishin resurrections, and Jang-Mi had a beneficial experience that Cho-Rip and Sa-Mo felt Min-So could not do without. Min-So was then bathing in a happy ignorance : she had received the limited and necessary education which consisted in learning about the best periods of fertility and the morally reduced methods of procreation. To a certain extent, she had absolutely no idea what was waiting for her. She had seen pregnant women and heard about childbirth, but there was such a gulf between talking about it and experiencing it that Min-So might have fallen into it without Jang-mi's help, who gave her more information in three weeks than she had learned in twenty-five years of life, seven of them spent as an adult. Some of these pieces of information frightened her so much that she simply chose to suppress them from her mind. Only the birth counted. The rest would come later.
Cho-Rip worked then with the Crown Prince, and accordingly, he also cultivated the good graces of King Yeongjo. He was highly regarded at the palace, and he was beginning to be well known in the great cities of Joseon. Min-So was particularly proud of her husband's status, which, in addition to providing her with lasting financial and material security, benefited her in a pleasant way. People bowed down to her and called her Lady Hong. She had her entrances to the court, and caused the envy of other women. She could wear silk and satin, in such bright colors, in blues, reds and greens so radiant that they sometimes eclipsed those of the gisaengs. She loved it at the time, not realizing that she would end up hating the fact that she was constantly attached to her husband a few years later.
She received countless visits when her pregnancy was confirmed. She was visited by her childhood friends, Dong Soo and Jin-Ju in particular, with whom she took the greatest pleasure in conversing, as they were so dedicated to making her forget her anxieties as a future mother. She saw several ministers and officers pass by, colleagues of Cho-Rip. The painter Kim Hong Du made her portrait, with her round belly proudly exposed. Cho-Rip proved to be a loving and attentive husband, although he was absorbed by his job and duties towards the Crown Prince. The latter congratulated them, wishing them a healthy son to inherit his father's talents. Min-So swallowed a huge quantity of asparagus because she had been told it favored the conception of boys.
She received countless visits when her pregnancy was confirmed. She was visited by her childhood friends, Dong Soo and Jin-Ju in particular, with whom she took the greatest pleasure in conversing, as they were so dedicated to making her forget her anxieties as a future mother. She saw several ministers and officers pass by, colleagues of Cho-Rip. The painter Kim Hong Du made her portrait, with her round belly proudly exposed.
Cho-Rip proved to be a loving and attentive husband, although he was absorbed by his job and duties towards the Crown Prince. The Crown Prince congratulated them, wishing them a healthy son to inherit his father's talents. Min-So swallowed a huge quantity of asparagus because she had been told it favored the conception of boys. Noticing her consumption and the growth of her worries as the months went by, Dong Soo began to regularly bring her salt, marinated fish, and dried fruit, which she began to crave. She found him incredibly endearing in his concern, and saw a shadow appear in his eyes when she told him. Cho-Rip obtained the right from Yeongjo, in gratitude for his services, to consult the royal oracle, who had both the finesse and the nerve to announce the birth of a son to them.
Her fourth month was coming to an end when she felt, one evening like any other, cramps that reminded her of those mentioned by Jang-mi in the case of delivery. She was then having a copious dinner, while chatting with her aunt about the name of the little boy that everyone was waiting for, with no real interest in the opposite possibility. She began to feel pain, then she felt a warm liquid running down her thighs.
- It hurts, she told Jang-mi. And I think I'm bleeding.
- These things can happen, she replied. Don't worry.
They decided to change her clothes and check just in case, and then the tragedy revealed itself in all its horror. Min-So's underskirt was drenched with blood, and Jang-mi's face turned pale when she saw it. Min-So's pains became stronger, deafer, more terrifying. Going from nonchalance to panic, her aunt ordered her to lie down immediately, and ran to fetch the royal physician, who had been given unlimited access to Cho-Rip by the Crown Prince, as well as a midwife. She was away for nearly two quarters of an hour. That was all the time it took for Min-So to understand what was happening to her, and that nothing could stop it, not even all the prayers in the world. She felt nauseous, lost, alone. She was afraid to die, and afraid to live afterwards.
The doctor arrived, accompanied by a midwife with a kind and watchful face, and Jang-mi, on whose features was written a growing panic. They asked her questions about her pains, the evolution of her last days of pregnancy, her activities, her diet. The doctor barely touched her, palpated her belly slightly, noted the density of the bleeding and took a sharp look at the blood-covered underskirt. The midwife proposed a poultice and a potion that would put Min-So to sleep, thus allowing the fetus she was carrying to rest and possibly stay alive. The doctor then objected :
- It's not worth it if it's a girl.
The midwife nodded her head a little dryly, but Jang-mi opened her eyes in shock. She had a pretty little girl waiting for her at home, pampered and cherished like a princess of royal blood by Sa-Mo, the incorrigible doting father.
- It's a baby ! she exclaimed, looking at them as if she was discovering that royalty and the country only really valued the lives of men. It doesn't matter if it's a girl or a boy, it deserves to be born !
Min-Si, for her part, her mind clouded by blood loss and fatigue, realized with a certain bitterness that her life would never again matter in the face of the one of an unborn child's. I've become a belly, she had thought, that's all, I am a belly, there is no more Min-So, there is only the belly.
The doctor had assessed Jang-mi and her plea critically, but he had yielded, and agreed to the potion. At midnight, Min-So drank from the cup that was served to her, and then everyone began to wait. Cho-Rip was not informed : he was with the prince, settling a dark case of corruption among the ministers of the Noron faction while at the same time examining the Gwishin issue, and it had been thought best not to disturb him.
However, Min-So would have liked to have him with her : she was afraid of his reaction, but also considered the possibility that he could be reassuring, understanding, that he would tell her that everything would be all right and that they would have other children, that things like that could happen to anyone. Jang-mi had said so herself. Lots of women lose babies, she once informed her in a surprisingly cautious and hesitant tone, sometimes over nothing. Min-So remembered the "nothing" most of all, because the word would soon become one of the most used terms in her vocabulary. What did you do ? people would ask her every time. Nothing, she would answer, because it was her only defense, because it was true, and no one would believe her.
At dawn, Min-So was delirious, sweating. She had barely been aware of the pain as her body had permanently expelled the child she was carrying in a flood of blood. She was almost sure, however, that Jang-mi held her hand, wiped her forehead, and whispered, "My poor darling, my poor darling, it's all right, I'm here, it's all right, I'm so sorry". She also remembered that she was crying out of fear, desolation and suffering. The doctor and the midwife had the sheets cleaned and the little body taken away. It was a boy. Min-So had been bedridden for five days, feverish and sick, while Cho-Rip, the king, and their friends and enemies were told the news.
Cho-Rip had shown her kindness, and he had indeed told her "we'll have others childen", as she sobbed beside him, her belly still tense with pain, her breasts still tender. He had held her close to him, but there was something distant about the gesture. Already the corridors of the palace were whispering about Hong Guk Yeong's intertile wife. Dong Soo had come to see her, accompanied by Jin-Ju and Ji-Seon. Even Sa-Mo came, leaving little Ju-Won in the care of a nanny. Min-So was thankful to him, because she would not have been able to bear the sight of a child.
All of them had shown a gentler and more compassionate attitude than her own husband. Jang-mi refused to leave her, but Min-So insisted on her returning to her daughter and Sa-Mo, claiming that she was well and that the miscarriage had not broken anything inside her. The following year, Min-So carried her pregnancy to term and gave birth to a baby girl, Myeong-Suk. She was not very big or strong, but she lived, and Min-So fell madly in love with her. They received superficial congratulations, but it didn't matter to her. Moreover, the child was charming, easy-going and curious. She won the hearts of Dong-Soo and Ji-Seon, and fascinated even Jin-Ju, who promised to teach her martial arts techniques.
Cho-Rip lifted her once from her cradle, appreciating the tiny perfection of her hands and feet. He then put her down, and hardly paid any attention to her anymore. The spectre of the dead boy reigned over both of them.
b. Cronos' appetite
When the Gwishins emerged for the second time, Min-So came to hope that her boy would return with them, but the small grave at the bottom of their garden remained intact. She became pregnant again, kept it for two months, and lost the baby so quickly she felt as if it had been dead in her belly all along. Cho-Rip became more and more Hong Guk-Yeong with each passing day, and he was less tender, less present, less patient. She miscarried another boy two years later. Her mood and health then deteriorated severely, and Jang-mi begged Sa-Mo to leave their house at the edge of the city to be closer to them. They almost became neighbors.
Her aunt soon became a colossal support against the court gossip, the incriminating attitude of Cho-Rip (Hong Guk Yeong) and the doctors. It had to be her fault, they said, because her husband was so promising, so young, he had apparently a bastard with a gisaeng, it couldn't be his fault. Min-So was suffocating. When she finally carried a boy to term in the summer of 1775, two years after Jeongjo's coronation, she was already aged, exhausted and damaged. The birth of the little boy, whom Cho-Rip named Jun-Ho, helped to restore her confidence, especially since it shut the mouths of political opponents and brought her back some affection from her husband. Jang-mi cried with relief. The child was dead by October. Again, "nothing". Myeong-Suk was growing up well, developing a refined and sophisticated mind, but she didn't matter. Her father barely looked at her. Min-So knew that the child suffered from this as much as she did.
None of their dead children ever returned among the Gwishin, but they haunted Min-So every day, every hour, in every action she did. Hong Guk Yeong put so much distance between her and him following the death of their providential son that she feared a divorce. She knew that it was possible, it was the law : a woman who failed to produce a male heir could be repudiated, because it was one of the sins listed in the Ta Ming Lu, the great code of the Ming, and in the sambulgo.
She had gained a disastrous reputation : she was rumored to be infertile, cursed, and people even talked about witchcraft, claiming that she managed to kill all the male children in her womb to avoid offering Hong Guk Yeong the descendant he was hoping for. She barely saw him anymore. Jang-mi looked after her relentlessly, but she could hardly bring a smile to Min-So's lips or make her laugh. Ji-Seon, whose ginseng business had expanded beyond the national borders and had earned her a fortune comfortable enough to live on her own and maintain a thriving business, was particularly delicate and considerate when she came to visit her.
She was also the only one to whom Min-So confided her fears about her marriage, her isolation, the growing hatred of Cho-Rip, and her fear that she would never be able to give birth to a male heir. She listened with an attention and a complacency that instilled an immense affection for her in Min-So's heart, and she was also the only one, along with Jin-Ju, to offer her concrete solutions in the event of divorce.
- I do not wish to bring you bad luck or increase your alarms, she said in a gentle voice. But if Hong Guk Yeong ever demands your separation, you won't be alone. We will stand up for you, and if that fails, you will find a place among all of us. Jin-Ju offered you to accompany her on her travels to sell ginseng : know that I am offering you the same. You would be our partner, and our income is enough to provide a living for you and your little Myeong-Suk.
- I don't know if I could be anything other than Cho-Rip's wife, Min-So said weakly with tears in her eyes. I've forgotten how to.
She missed her father terribly. She missed her childhood. She had waited with each wave of resurrection for Captain Jang Dae-Pyo to resurface and open his arms to her. He called her "his little wonder", and had always been proud of her and her temper, even though she was his only daughter. She did not find any of these sweet feelings with Cho-Rip (Hong Guk Yeong). He considered his daughter as an abomination, and Min-So's inability to give her a son as an insult.
Sometimes Min-So thought that he would have been less demanding if he had been a farmer, or a soldier. At times she blamed the position of Cho-Rip (Hong Guk Yeong) at the palace, believing that power had twisted his mind, gangrened his goodness and hardened his heart. Yet there was a time when she had loved this position, desired it. Now all she wanted was peace, and her daughter. Centuries seemed to have passed since she was a little girl and played at war with the boys in the camp where her father was an instructor. At the darkest of nights, she wanted her mother. Jang-mi began sleeping with her regularly, fearing that the young woman would come to dramatic extremes.
Dong Soo came to see her several times, and he held her hand one day, so gently that she broke down in tears. He was having troubles at work : Cho-Rip had confided to Min-So that he was drinking and did not prepare well the future recruits of the army to go and fight the gwishins.
- I'm responsible for him, I was the one who suggested the idea to the king, I was the one who suggested his name, her husband cursed, as he was accustomed to whenever he was near her since her first miscarriage. He is making a fool of himself. The king is thinking of dismissing him. He is no longer manageable.
- Have you tried to talk to him ? Min-So had suggested, remembering the frivolous and bright boy their friend had been (time hurts us and changes us and dispossesses us of ourselves).
Cho-Rip had glanced coldly at her. They had recently lost their third child, and resentment was now deeply rooted in their relationship.
- What do you think ? I'm a counselor, Min-So. It's my job to talk to people.
She hadn't answered anything. The silence around them was heavy, charged like the air before a storm. Hong Guk Yeong had sighed with irritation.
- He tells me everything's fine. That he's going to pull himself together, he continued. I can hardly believe it. The other instructors tell me that he is almost always drunk, and that the recruits are suspicious of him. When he's not at the tavern, he's at the gisaengs. And when he's not at both, he's in an even worse place.
- What do you mean ? Min-So had worried.
- It's none of your business, Hong Guk Yeong replied in a sulky tone.
- Forgive me, she had articulated with difficulty, aiming to appease her husband. I'm worried, that's all.
- You'd better worry about other things.
Again, the stormy silence. The small faces of her babies had crossed Min-So's mind like lightning.
- I don't know what is wrong with him, her husband mumbled as he sipped his tea.
- Maybe he's unhappy, Min-Su cautiously argued.
(Auntie! Auntie! Dong Soo has done something stupid again)
Where was this girl ? Min-So wondered if she had really existed, if she had really been happy at some point in her life. Hong Guk Yeong had greeted her remark with a disdainful snort.
- Unhappy ? Dong Soo ? Why ? He has a beautiful wife, a healthy boy, a lovely house, a prestigious position ! That idiot has everything to be happy, and he's ruining it !
Min-So had seen little Yoo-Jin in Dong Soo's arms once or twice. She never looked at them for very long, afraid of having a nervous breakdown. She barely noticed Cho-Rip's mention of the child, made in a jealous, slanderous and reproving tone, who whispered "it should be mine, it should all be mine, I'm doing everything right, I have the right to have it all". She thought for a brief moment that happiness was different for everyone, and that what made some people happy might displease others, but she kept this thought to herself. Hong Guk Yeong was quite angry for the evening, and she didn't wanted to stir up his bad mood by showing him that she could be spiritual.
Years later, which had successively seen the dismissal of Dong Soo and his precarious return to the government, Min-So entered the room of her little boy, preceded by the wet-nurse. The baby was in his crib like the day before, like all the other times. He wasn't moving anymore. The physician was there : he had the same look as all the previous times, a tense, indignant face, eyes that exclaimed "what have you done now ?".
Nothing, Min-So thought, I haven't done anything, like always. The little girl walked away, and she could hardly see her anymore. Sometimes she remembered a boy who had lived through her childhood, and she wondered if her children were with him, if this was the price to pay for letting Cho-Rip request the execution of one of his childhood friends.