"Friendly Reminder"
By Kpmh2001
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Subject: Friendly reminder (Mandatory Reading)
From: Lieutenant Commander John Bradford
To: All
This is a notice to all UNSC Personnel in the Remnant System.
Recent events have been tough on all of us, and I want it to be known that I sympathize with everyone's desire to return home and resume our normal duties. I understand that many of you have families that you are concerned for, and I am terribly sorry for both you and your loved ones.
But for the time being, all that we have is ourselves, our vessel and each other. To that end, I would ask that you would all keep the emotional state and thoughts of your fellow shipmates and Marines in mind as you perform your duties, it can only help to show a little empathy.
Even in our unfortunate and constantly changing circumstances, it is absolutely critical that we continue to keep strict disciplinary standards. The UNSC has always held a great degree of pride in its reputation as a professional and well-disciplined organization, and our situation does not give us the justification to abandon those standards. I wholeheartedly believe that you are some of the best men and women to ever don a uniform, and I know you have it within you to show it.
However, we recognize that guidelines and protocols are in need of an update, as they are not compatible with our current situation. To that end, this is the first of a series of messages intended to make everyone aware of these changes. Those of you with concerns or questions are encouraged to request Mast, or speak to your direct Superior Officer whenever the opportunity arises.
The following disciplinary protocols and regulations have been established or modified for the foreseeable future:
1. No personnel are permitted to use the CCTS as a delivery method for malicious scripting
1b. This applies regardless of any illegal activities the locals are doing. Any personnel who discover said activity are encouraged to send a report to the local law enforcement on Remnant, this is their job, not yours.
1c. Cyber-Warfare operations are already underway against the SDC, launching Denial of Service attacks against their systems, while certainly creative, is not actually helpful. (We appreciate the spirit, but you're slowing down our own viruses as well as their systems)
2. No personnel are permitted to upload any form of artistic content without authorization from at least two Senior NCOs (Remnant is a very culturally sensitive planet, this restriction is likely to be relaxed in the near future as we learn more about Remnant's unique relationship with artistry).
2b. Pornography counts as artistic content, show some restraint people.
2c. To address the concerns of an anonymous individual, we are not restricting the upload of artistic/pornographic content because "we plan on selling it".
2d. This is the last time I will address this, and I will make it very clear. No personnel (specifically you, Wendigo Squad) are permitted to produce their own pornographic content to sell to the people of Remnant. Fraternization Regulations are still in effect people, there are healthier ways of dealing with the stresses of our jobs.
3. No Personnel are to challenge any Spartan to a sparring match, failure to comply will be its own punishment.
3b. Challenging Specialist Schnee is also off-limits, she would beat you.
3c. This applies to all personnel, Sergeant Benjamin, even if you think you could beat her (especially if you think you could beat her).
3d. Specialist Schnee is not to encourage this line of behavior.
4. All Covenant equipment and technology is not to be tampered with. Any usage of Covenant technology is to be dictated by no less than three commisioned officers (This equipment is currently irreplaceable and must be preserved at every opportunity).
4b. On a related note, there are currently two plasma grenades and a spike grenade missing from our listed arsenal. If any personnel locate these objects, please return them to the Starboard Armory.
5. Unless assigned to wardening duty, or ordered otherwise, no personnel are to interact with any of the prisoners (Especially the Elite).
5b. This includes any human prisoners too.
5c. All footage of the "rap battle" between Centaur Squad and the SDC operative known as "Adrian" is to be handed in immediately, no matter how "hot their bars were".
5d. At the universal request of the crew, Ensign Williams was assigned as a judge to see who won the rap battle due to his relevant experience in the aforementioned field. His assessment is that the competition resulted in a draw (we're allowed to have fun too you know, but no rematches are permitted).
6. Sergeant Benjamin is acting under Lieutenant Oswald's orders to assist with the Elite's interrogation. He is not, as some of you have preposterously suggested, taking Energy Sword lessons. (Spartans are already fully training in the usage of Covenant equipment)
6b. Personnel are to stop asking the Spartans for Energy Sword Lessons, you aren't even authorized to operate them.
6c. Using 3D-printers to create replica energy swords, while somewhat childish, is currently permitted. Don't knock each other out, please.
6d. Following Corporal Chu's attempts to peddle several replica energy swords as novelty knick-knacks in Menagerie, we would like to remind everyone that unapproved commercial transactions with civilians are still prohibited. See traditional regulations for further information.
7. Any personnel stationed in Menagerie are to stop asking the locals about unique swear words and racial slurs.
7b. You are not allowed to ask for a "pass" to the aforementioned racial slurs.
7c. Personnel are not to refer to each other as the aforementioned racial slurs, regardless of whether you received a "pass" or not.
7d. Although I recognize the historical irony, no, humans are not "inbred".
7e. All personnel who have questions about the reproductive alterations of Faunus are encouraged to use publicly available search engines to ask their questions. We are trying to run a capable warship, not figure out if they lay eggs.
7f. No, There is no conspiracy amongst the Command Staff to cover up whether or not the Faunus are capable of laying eggs.
7g. The omelets stocked in the Mess Hall are made out of chicken eggs, not Faunus Eggs (which do not exist. We haven't even had a chance to restock yet, where do you all get these ideas?).
8. Personnel are to stop asking the CCTS "dumb" A.I philosophical questions and scientific paradoxes, you have caused considerable amounts of lag, please stop.
8b. This has been extended to all impossible questions.
8c. Questions in an instruction based context are still questions. Example: "Tell me how to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti?"
9. Although we recognize the disproportionately advanced state of Remnant's robotics development, we currently have no reason to believe they are "building the perfect waifu" as Corporal Bronmore so inelegantly put it.
9b. I have recently received a message from the head of Atlesian robotics requesting that we stop emailing him the schematics of "Battle Droids". Whoever is responsible for this, please stop.
9c. Following a lengthy conversation with the head of Atlesian Robotics Development, Doctor Polendina, I have implemented restrictions that only permit commissioned officers to send him emails. Although he was quite amused by some of the "concepts" that you have sent him, all non-essential communication with the Atlesian Robotics Division is now prohibited (be grateful the man was so forgiving).
9d. Whoever left the toy Battle Droid in my personal quarters, I will not be returning it, consider this your punishment.
10. Yes, Specialist Schnee can summon ghostly apparitions of foes she has killed, no, this does not make her a necromancer.
10b. Specialist Schnee is not to be referred to as "Specialist Smartass" or any other dramatically inappropriate nickname. She is a guest aboard our ship, and you will treat her with the respect you would give to any other ally. Her intel has saved some of your lives already, whether you realize it or not.
10c. No, she is not on UNSC payroll, she is a soldier of the Atlesian Military. As such, she is not a Mercenary, she is a soldier of an allied power.
10d. Specialist Schnee is still learning about our customs and culture, exploiting this for the sake of humor is highly discouraged, as she has made it clear that she will return the favor.
10e. Following the unfortunate confrontation between Private Tucker and Specialist Schnee, any UNSC Personnel who see fit to ask her on a date will now be obligated to spar with her until you learn your lesson.
11. We can confirm that all future paychecks will be delivered in Lien for the time being, if only because this planet does not accept the UEG Credit, making their current value negligible.
11b. This does not give you free reign to gamble with your existing Credits, those are UEG legal tender, and as such, are not allowed to be used in wagers.
11c. No, this does not mean you are allowed to gamble with Lien.
11d. Yes, you are still eligible for back pay in Credits if and when we find a way home.
12. Recovered examples of Remnant's weaponry are live weapons, and should be treated as such. Using Atlas's laser rifles to engrave your names into your armor is dramatically unprofessional.
12b. This now extends to engraving anything into anything else.
12c. Although weak by modern standards, Atlas's laser weapons are still dangerous firearms. Using them to cook bacon (or for any other non-conventional purpose) is no longer permitted.
12d. Converting Atlesian weaponry into other, more useful equipment, is currently being considered. Unauthorized conversions are still not permitted (this includes Corporal Henry's grenade launcher, despite how impressive it is).
13. Specialist Schnee is no longer permitted to encourage the usage of royal honorifics in her presence.
13a. Although I'm impressed you managed to create/find all of the instruments, Specialist Schnee does not require a musical number dedicated to her arrival.
13b. No, this does not mean "The Dominion's Odd Orchestra" is being disbanded. Your musical talents are impressive and you are encouraged to continue your practices and performances.
14. Personnel stationed at the Menagerie Communications Relay "Sandbag Island" are no longer permitted to participate in competitive sports with the local civilians.
14b. This includes playing frisbee, no matter how much you (or the locals) enjoy it.
14c. To address the dozens of concerns that we have received, yes, you are free to interact with the citizens of Menagerie during shore leave. Curie has been kind enough to put together a list of differences in local customs to our own as to avoid any awkward or difficult situations, the related file is attached to this document.
15. All personnel assigned to work under Lieutenant Oswald are not permitted to deviate from their assigned instructions until they are completed.
15b. Personnel assigned to "courier" missions on Remnant also apply to this rule. The cargo you are carrying is precious and critical to our ongoing efforts to keep Remnant safe and it's people on our side.
16. All personnel beta-testing the VR simulators with the new Grimm scenarios are discouraged from emulating the Spartans. (They can chokeslam a Beowulf, you cannot, regardless of whether or not it is digital.)
16b. Remnant native operatives (such as Specialist Schnee and Margaret) are not permitted to operate the VR simulators above the lowest difficulty settings.
16c. This is not because they are "playing on easy mode" as Ensign Williams somewhat insultingly proposed, but rather a result of their Semblances. Mags broke the physics engine of the last naval simulation that she ran and nearly burned out the simulators. The lowest difficulty setting is the least strenuous on the software.
16d. Specialist Schnee is no longer permitted to operate temporal glyphs in any simulation due to software limitations.
16e. Following a large number of concerned messages, Specialist Schnee has agreed not to use temporal "time" glyphs on the Dominion in any situation.
17. Personnel are no longer permitted to use unauthorized cyber-infiltration software to bypass CCTS security systems.
17b. Even if you're using it to eliminate student loan debts.
17c. Rule one is still in effect people, and it is not going away!
18. Manipulating the gravity systems whenever a Remnant-native operative is present is no longer permitted due to their lack of training.
18b. All footage of Specialist Schnee becoming stuck in the middle of the gym during a gravity outage is to be handed over immediately.
19. The Huntsmen Academies have official names, and in an act of respect for our new allies, we will use their official chosen designations. We will not refer to them as:
-Ugandan Child Soldier Camps (All types of Child Soldier Camps are off-limits, it's not as funny as you think it is)
-Bootier Boot Camp
-Texan College
-Hogwarts (Or anything else from Harry Potter)
-Demented Disney
-Hexside Witching Academy (All magical schools are now off the table, no matter what you're referencing)
-Bootleg West Point
-Bootleg Corbulo
-Bootleg Anything
-Imminent Lawsuit Academy
-The Spartan IV Program (y'all think you're really funny, don't you?)
-Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
-Umbrella Academy
20. Coffee and other agricultural supplies donated by Menagerie and its citizens are still being rationed until we have a sizable supply aboard. We're well aware our existing supplies are less than palatable, but you will have to make due for now.
20b. No, this does not mean you can take other supplies and attempt to make your own versions of missing resources.
20c. I was trying to avoid saying it directly, but "Bathtub Moonshine" is in fact covered by this rule.
20d. In light of recent complaints, Commander Miller has seen fit to double everyone's ration of coffee for the next few days. Supply chains will be adjusted to facilitate this.
21. Service Members on leave are no longer permitted to enter into any kind of contest or competition. This includes the following: Talent shows, Drinking contests, Spars, Shooting contests, and any combination of the four.
21b. We all saw the recordings of Corporal Lee's performance and are very proud of her singing voice, however, we also saw the "spar" between Sergeant White and that Huntsmen. If anybody would like the details feel free to speak with him in Sickbay about it.
21c. No the fight was not "rigged", Sergeant White challenged a veteran Huntsmen with years of combat training.
21d. The Huntsman was not on "enhancement" drugs, Aura is a natural force that everyone has and with training can use it to do incredible things. If you read the briefings we hand out, you would know that.
22. The White Fang is a former protest movement turn terror cell, they are not, and shall not be referred to as:
-Furries
-Scalies
-Monsters
-Canadians
-Evil catgirls
-Grimm
-The Schnee Dust Company
-Taft's Pony Brigade (Thomas, nobody else gets your history references, please stop)
-The United Rebel Front
-Communists/Fascists/Other Dead Ideologies (we are still learning more about them, this may be removed at a later date)
-The Serpent's Hand
-Advent
-Citizens of Detroit
-Taco Bell Employees
-Ohioans
-Japanese Celebrities
-Jedi/Sith
-Zulu Company from the mirror universe (just because I laughed doesn't mean it's not against the rules people)
-The Navy
-The Navy, but gayer
-The Covenant (seriously?)
23. Remnant-native personnel are no longer permitted to operate any appliances in the galley (kitchen). Mags came very near to giving herself third-degree burns and started a small fire.
23a. This includes the coffee maker, Specialist Schnee, please ask a Cook to handle it for you in the future.
24. Callsigns for personnel stationed aboard the Dominion are selected and approved based on their ability to be clearly understood over a radio, their brevity, and although it is not a requirement, referencing Fantasy is some manner (Ex. Voodoo, Excalibur, Chakra). To that end, the following callsigns have been and will continue to be rejected any time that they are submitted for approval.
-Budget Helljumpers.
-Legendary Jarhead, Destroyer of Crayons and Bane of Washing Machines.
-Chad Thundercock, Infantryman Extraordinaire.
-Colonial Military Authority Two, Electric Boogaloo.
-Literally anything related to any kind of music.
-Grimm Busters (yes, you may keep the decals you printed, that logo is impressive).
-Inferno Squad (no, just no).
-Huntsmen Two, The Sequel.
-Imperial Guardsmen.
-Cheeki Breeki
-Any other kind of Marines (On a related note, please keep all Warhammer Games confined to the Barracks. The Cooks are sick of digging your miniatures out of the deep fryer)
25. Lieutenant Oswald is no longer permitted to tell Atlesian Journalists that being punched in the face by a UNSC Officer is an established tradition for the Press.
25a. Being kicked in the Scrotum is also not an Earthly tradition Lieutenant, please stop beating up journalists, regardless of how pushy and arrogant they are.
More will follow as needed, please, exercise some professionalism people.