Chapter 7

Draco remained in his bedroom all night and all of the next day too. Neville couldn't summon the courage to go and knock on his door and he had no idea what he would say even if Draco did answer. He was hopelessly confused and he had no idea how to make things better. He knew he'd messed up but he also felt that he'd done the right thing in stepping back.

Draco was fragile and in a difficult place; he didn't need Neville muddying the waters and making things difficult. He was in Neville's home to recuperate, not to be hit on, and Neville felt like an arse. Still, Draco's admonishment kept ringing in his ears and Neville knew he'd handled the situation badly.

The problem was that Neville really was attracted to Draco, very much so, and if his brain hadn't kicked in at the wrong, or right, moment then he would have given into it and kissed the man for all he was worth. He wanted to, so very badly, and it was sending his mind into all sorts of conniptions.

He'd shoved it into a dark corner of his mind for so long that he'd almost forgotten the wildly inappropriate crush he'd developed for Draco in 7th year. It had been such a difficult time back then and his burgeoning sexuality had been the least of his worries but he'd still noticed the other boy and had found himself indulging in one or two X-rated fantasies starring him.

He'd never imagined, of course, that ten years later the man would be living in his home, a shadow of his former self. It was a ridiculous situation to be in and Neville wished he could escape it, if only for a day.

He shut his book with a sigh, having spent an hour reading the same page and getting nowhere. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day and it was getting on for midnight; it seemed wise to give the whole thing up for a lost cause. He rubbed at his eyes and hoped he'd be able to get some sleep tonight as the previous night's endeavour had been thoroughly unsuccessful.

He was trying to tidy his desk into some semblance of order when a tentative knock sounded on the door. "Come in," he said uncertainly, getting to his feet as Draco appeared in the doorway, hovering awkwardly. "Hi," Neville ventured, wondering if it was possible to feel more uncomfortable.

"Hi," Draco echoed, shifting from one foot to the other. His hair was falling softly around his face and Neville's fingers itched to touch it.

What a wildly inappropriate thing to think right now, Neville thought, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at himself.

"I'm an arse," Draco said eventually, taking him by surprise.

"What? No, I'm the one who – "

"Just shut up and let me say this," Draco said, looking a little bolder as he stepped into the room. He met Neville's eyes with a look of resolve as he said, "I massively over-reacted and I'm embarrassed about it. You're the first person in a long time who's actually taken my feelings into account rather than just taking what they wanted from me."

"I would never – "

"I said shut up," Draco said, and Neville complied. "I'm not used to people treating me like a human being and I'm certainly not used to the sort of kindness you've shown me. Having said that," Draco said, moving closer still, Neville feeling the back of his legs hitting the desk, "I'm still a grown man and even with all the shit I've been through I'd like to be granted a say in my own life."

"And I understand that, I didn't mean to – " Draco raised a pale eyebrow and Neville said, "Shut up, right?"

Draco nodded and said, "I know I'm a mess, I really do, and I know I have a tremendously fucked up relationship with anything pertaining to…sex or intimacy but there's still enough of me left to know what I want." He paused, looking as though he was trying to find the impetus to continue, and Neville had sense enough to stay silent.

"What I want right now is to kiss you," Draco whispered, "and I want you to kiss me back."

His hand slid around Neville's neck and Neville's pulse quickened as Draco's lips landed on his own. They were unbelievably soft and Neville practically melted into him as he brought his arms up to encircle Draco's waist. He'd never had a kiss like this in his life before and his legs felt like they'd buckle from underneath him with the intensity of it.

It was the was perfect amount of pressure, the play of Draco's lips against his paced so exquisitely that Neville felt as though he was teetering on the edge of something he desperately wanted to fall into. His hands gripped Draco a little more firmly and the man's fingers against his neck felt hot and insistent.

"Holy hell," Neville breathed as Draco pulled back slowly, his hand still curled at the base of Neville's head. He knew he should be trying to play it a little cool but he was overwhelmed and his senses were pinging wildly. "I've never had a kiss like that."

Draco smiled, but it was soft and gentle, devoid of smugness of self-satisfaction. "Me neither," he confessed quietly.

They stayed close for a few moments, their hands holding onto each other as the silence played out between them. Neville wanted nothing more than to dive straight back in, to taste Draco even more fully, to pull his body that bit more firmly against his own, but he had to show some restraint.

"I'm sorry if I offended you," he said eventually, his voice a little rough.

Draco shook his head. "You didn't, I was being a dick about it. I…appreciate that you wanted to protect me but…I'm still capable of making my own decisions."

"I know," Neville said, letting his hands move gently up and down Draco's lean sides.

"Neville, I like you, I really like you and Merlin's balls you're hot as fuck but…I have no clue what that means. My head's messed up and I've never had a functioning relationship in my life…not that I expect this to become…I mean…I wouldn't be averse to that but you might not…I don't know what you – "

Neville placed a finger to the man's lips and said with an affectionate smile, "Take a breath before you pass out."

Neville removed his hand and Draco did as instructed, looking sheepish as he did so. "Why don't we try and behave like two people in their 20s?" he suggested, and Draco frowned.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, how about we try and drop all the baggage and angst and just…see what happens?"

"You mean date?" Draco asked, his eyebrows raised.

"Is that so improbable?"

"I don't…I don't know," Draco replied, looking a little lost. "I've never done that before. Merlin, I'm pathetic," he groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Look, take my advice and run for the hills. I'm a fucked up wreck of a person who's never had anything normal in his life and I'll screw this up like I've screwed everything else up. I don't even know if I'd be able to…to sleep with you. I'd probably just have a panic attack and knee you in the groin. What a prince, eh?"

He turned and headed for the door but Neville caught his arm and pulled him back, saying, "Whoa there! You just made so many leaps I'm surprised you didn't pull a muscle. Let's take a moment and examine the facts – you like me, yes?"

Draco nodded. "Yes I bloody like you," he said, looking down at the ground.

"Good, and I like you too. I find you ridiculously attractive and no one in my 26 years on this planet has ever kissed me the way you just did. Things with you…they come more easily than they've ever done with people in the past and I…I wouldn't mind exploring that."

Draco looked up at him, trepidation evident in his face, as he said, "Do you really want to get mixed up with all my fucking issues?"

"We all have issues, Draco," Neville said, reaching out and tucking a strand of hair behind Draco's ear. "Granted yours are a little more severe that most but they're not enough to scare me away."

"You say that now," Draco muttered ominously.

"Look, I'm willing to give this a go if you are. We can take things slowly, I think we both need that to be honest."

"What if," Draco began his cheeks flushing as he looked down at the floor again, "what if I can't give you what you need…sexually?"

Neville slipped a finger beneath the man's chin and tilted his head back up until their eyes met. "A relationship is more than just sex and you have more to offer than that. It won't matter."

"Neville you say that but it will matter, you'll come to resent it if I can't – "

"Draco you're used to men who only want one thing from you, living in a world where sex is the only thing that has a currency but I'm telling you that there's more to life than that. Merlin Draco that kiss alone is enough to sustain me for the next six months."

Draco gave a disbelieving snort and Neville said, "I'm bloody serious, it was fantastic." He sighed and let go of Draco's arm, saying, "If this is too much for you then I accept that but if you're reluctant because of some misplaced belief that I won't be able to handle it then I have to tell you to pull your head out of your arse."

"Don't you have a way with words?" Draco said with a laugh.

"It's been said before," Neville said with a grin. "Look, why don't we carry on the way we have been? We can cuddle and cook and watch terrible TV shows together but we can throw in an incredible snog every now and then for good measure. We'll just…see how things go."

"I do like trashy TV…and the cuddling has been pretty wonderful. A snog every now and again couldn't hurt," Draco said, a smile making its way onto his lips.

"Well, with that in mind, I'm going to give you a kiss and then I'm going to bid you goodnight," Neville said, giving Draco's shirt a tug and pulling him forward into a chaste and sweet kiss.

"Goodnight," Draco said softly as they pulled apart.

"Goodnight, Draco. I'll see you in the morning."

Neville had no idea what he was doing but he knew that it felt right. It was a topsy-turvy way of doing things, that was for sure, but he couldn't imagine anything involving Draco would be straightforward. Still, being able to touch the man whenever he wanted was incredible and Neville enjoyed being on the receiving end of Draco's growing confidence with affection.

They were going to run into trouble, he knew that with certainty, and Draco's past was sure to create plenty of obstacles for them but Neville couldn't help but feel it was worth it. Whatever it was that was between them, Neville had a feeling it could develop into something special and he was prepared to deal with the risk in order to explore that.

One of those issues was their shared baggage involving the past and, although they'd both been avoiding it, the subject of their 7th year inevitably reared its head. They were able to discuss it with relative equanimity but it was still uncomfortable and not something Neville was keen to bring up regularly.

"I think I lived that whole year on the verge of a nervous breakdown," Draco said as he and Neville sat at opposite ends of the sofa, facing one another as they spoke.

"I think we all did," Neville replied, stroking his thumb gently over Draco's ankle. "It was such a fucked up time."

Draco cradled his mug to his chest and said, "I absolutely hated you." Neville looked at him in surprise and Draco said with a sheepish smile, "By which I mean I had a very confusing crush on you and deeply resented how brave you managed to be while I was such a fucking coward."

"You weren't – "

"Let's not go down that road, neither of us will win. But you were so…strong and stoic."

"I was permanently terrified," Neville confessed, pulling Draco's foot into his lap and beginning to rub it gently. Draco had ridiculously elegant feet, the kind Neville didn't think men usually possessed.

"There was plenty to be terrified of. You seemed to thrive off it though…in a weird kind of way. You…I don't know…you grew into yourself."

"I had to," Neville said with a shrug. "With Harry and the others gone there was no one for people to look to. Someone had to protect the younger ones from the Carrows."

"God, those two still give me nightmares, and I was one of the ones who got off lightly. I remember seeing you after so many detentions with them…bruises and cuts all over your face. I don't know how you stood it."

"I didn't have much choice," Neville said quietly, continuing to rub Draco's foot, wishing they'd never started on this topic.

"You were everything I wanted to be, everything I wished I had the courage to become…and you were gorgeous," he added with a grin that eased a little of the tension.

"I wasn't gorgeous," Neville said with a snort.

"Well, not as gorgeous as you are now of course, but you'd started to grow into your looks and…well…I fancied you."

"Well…I fancied you too," Neville confessed, "which was bloody ridiculous at the time and I hadn't really realised I was gay until that point, so…yeah…7th year was a huge mess for so many reasons."

Draco smiled softly and said, "I wonder if things would have been different if we'd managed to talk to one another back then."

"Best not to dwell on these things," Neville said gently.

"Yeah…I suppose you're right."

The fire crackled and Neville realised they'd talked long into the night and he hadn't even broached the subject he'd meant to bring up. He cleared his throat and said, "Um…it's George's birthday in a couple of weeks, which is also his and Harry's anniversary. They're having a party, to which we're both invited."

Draco's expression was exactly as Neville had anticipated and he said, "Oh…I don't think so. I mean…you should go obviously but I don't think I'm ready to…to see other people."

"It won't be that bad, I promise."

"A party full of Gryffindors who all hate my guts. I think it will be just that bad."

"Former Gryffindors," Neville corrected. "We've all been out of school for a long time. And they don't hate your guts, a lot of water's passed under the bridge."

Draco sighed and pulled his foot off Neville's lap, saying, "Even if they don't hate me, which is a massive if, there's the fact that awkward questions will be asked. 'So what have you been doing with yourself, Draco?', 'Oh well I've been selling myself as a sex toy for sadists and developing a debilitating drug habit, wrecking my health and trying to combat my severe emotional scarring.' I think that might dampen the mood a bit, don't you?"

Neville knew enough to know not to push so he simply nodded and changed the subject. As confrontational as Draco could be, he didn't respond well when it was turned on him. Instead, Neville spent the next couple of weeks dropping the party into conversation, mentioning it casually and hinting at how Harry and George really wanted him to be there.

He continued with the softly-softly approach until finally, the night of the party, Draco came downstairs in smart grey trousers and a navy blue shirt tucked in at the waist. "Hopped a bus into town today, picked these up at a charity shop," he said, his tone needlessly defensive.

"Very nice. Will you be wearing this new outfit around the house tonight then?"

Draco fixed him with a half-hearted glare and said, "I will come to this bloody thing for an hour and that's all."

Neville suppressed a grin and said, "That's fantastic, what made you change your mind?"

"Oh drop the innocent act, you can't pull it off," Draco said, brushing past him to check his reflection in the hallway mirror. "Wearing me down like water on a stone for the last two sodding weeks, thinking you were so bloody subtle. Well, don't think you'll always get your way."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"If I have a terrible time tonight I will personally see to it that you never know peace again."

"You saw to that the moment you came to live here."

"Very funny. Stick to plants, you have no future as a comedian."

"I know you're nervous," Neville said gently, moving closer and slipping a hand to rest on Draco's waist, "but it'll be fine, I promise. You might even have a good time."

"Very likely," Draco said with a snort.

Neville pulled the man forward until their lips pressed together softly. Draco's hands slipped up to his shoulders as his own settled in the small of Draco's back, holding him gently as they kissed. He had little with which to compare kissing Draco; it had never felt this way with other people and he'd never felt so connected to someone with only a simple kiss.

Kissing had always felt kind of arbitrary to him, either that or something too intimate to be done with too many people, which was a little ridiculous given the other things he'd got up to in the past. Every time he kissed Draco though he felt close to him and it didn't hurt that no one in his life had ever kissed him like Draco did.

"Was that just to butter me up?" Draco asked as they pulled apart.

"Only a little bit," Neville admitted with a smile. "Are you ready to go?"

"I'll never be ready," Draco grumbled, but nevertheless let himself be led to the fireplace in the living room.

"The Gables," Neville intoned, before pushing Draco gently through the flames and stepping through himself.

"Lads! Great to see you," George said, wrapping them both up in a hug as they arrived at Harry and George's home.

"On the sherry early?" Neville asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well I am drinking for two as my dear husband has to abstain," George said with a grin.

"Noble, very noble."

"Happy birthday," Draco said, extracting a small gift from his pocket. He flushed and said, "Sorry, it's not much."

"Hey, it's more than this one managed," George said, knocking Neville's shoulder.

"We agreed last year no presents," Neville protested.

"Thank you, Draco. I appreciate it."

Draco gave a stilted smile and said, "I brought jelly babies for Harry too, I know how much he's been craving them."

"Did someone say jelly babies?" Harry said, appearing at George's elbow. Draco handed him a small paper bag that looked fit to burst and Harry's eyes widened as he accepted them. "Oh Draco, thank you!"

"Why does he get gifts on my birthday?" George complained.

"Grow another human inside you and then ask daft questions," Harry said, giving his husband a smack on the back of his head. "Guys, can I get you a drink?"

"Are um…are there a lot of people here?" Draco asked, too nervous to maintain a façade.

"A few," Harry said with a kind smile. "Some from school but a lot from my work or George's. A lot of international people too. None of us is too keen to surround ourselves with reminders from the past."

They made their way into the kitchen and George sorted them some drinks, Neville spying Ginny and Luna instantly. He was relieved; as a way to ease Draco into things they would do perfectly. He waved to Luna and she smiled back, looping her arm through Ginny's and joining them.

"Neville, so good to see you," Luna said, giving him a kiss on the cheek while Ginny wrapped him up in a Weasley hug.

"Hi you two. You remember Draco."

"Why Draco, yes. Hello," Luna said softly, shaking his hand. She studied his face for a moment then said with a said smile, "Oh. Times have been hard, I'm sorry."

Draco looked taken aback and he dropped his hand, saying, "Um…thank you."

Neville had often wondered if Luna had some kind of second sight, especially when she showed that kind of insight into people. Perhaps it was only that she was particularly receptive to people's moods and feelings and could read them accordingly. Either way, she was extraordinarily perceptive and very little escaped her.

"No one mentioned how bloody handsome he'd become," Ginny said with a grin far too much like George's. "The hair looks great, it makes your cheekbones look incredible."

"Thank you. You look…very good yourself," Draco said, clearly flustered. "Professional quidditch has its benefits."

"Doesn't it just? You should see my thigh muscles."

"I believe I'm the only one with that particular privilege," Oliver said, appearing by his wife's side and slinging an arm around her shoulders. "Draco, hello," he added cordially.

"Hi Oliver," Draco said, still looking overwhelmed. "Harry tells me you're coaching the England team now."

"Draco! Uncle Nev!" came a loud shout before a blur of turquoise appeared and Teddy barrelled into both of them. "I'm so glad you're here. Draco come and see my hamster, it's so cool!"

He grabbed Draco's hand and Draco let himself be led out of the kitchen, looking relieved. "I'm not so sure this was a good idea," Neville said with a sigh.

"Just see how it goes," Harry said, clapping him on the shoulder, "he needs time. Everyone here will be respectful, I promise."

"I know, he's just been through so much and he's so…caught up in the past. He can't let it go."

"He will," Luna said in her soft, sing-song voice. "We all have different paths to recovery. He'll find his."

Neville kept a careful eye on Draco throughout the night. The man was unable to relax and he stuck with Teddy, whom he seemed to view as the only safe bet, and only let himself be drawn into conversations if Neville or Harry were part of them. He was polite and managed a smile or two but Neville could see that the man was hating every minute of it.

It had been too much and he knew it; he should have introduced Draco to people from the past in increments, not to mention that it was obvious so large a crowd was too much for him. He was in the middle of talking to one of Harry's colleagues about the healing properties of some of the plants he was cultivating when he saw a flash of blond and Draco disappeared through the fireplace.

"Shit," he cursed, before he found Harry and made his apologies, following Draco through the fireplace and back home.

He found the man in the living room, perched on the footstool, his head in his hands. Neville approached cautiously and paused before he knelt down in front of him and slowly lowered Draco's hands, the man looking at him with an ashen face.

"It was too much," he whispered.

"I know," Neville said gently. "I shouldn't have badgered you to go."

"All those people…people I hurt…or that my fucking family hurt. Luna and Dean were held in my sodding basement and Ginny…Ginny nearly died because of my bloody father. How can I…how can I act as though everything's normal?"

"A lot of time has passed since then, Draco."

"It doesn't undo it all, it doesn't make it better. I can't face those people knowing what I did, knowing I still have this fucking Mark on my arm."

He yanked his sleeve up and Neville saw the ugly tattoo burnt onto Draco's pale flesh. He'd glimpsed it before, when Draco had rolled his sleeves up while he worked in the greenhouses or when he passed Draco on the landing clad only in a towel, but he hadn't seen it this close. It was littered with angry red scars, criss-crossing through it, embedded deep into the skin.

"I tried to cut it out," Draco said, his voice strangled. "But it didn't budge."

"Oh love," Neville whispered, running his fingers lightly over the blemished skin.

"You shouldn't touch it," Draco said, trying to wrench his arm away but Neville held him at the elbow.

"This was a mistake you made as a child," Neville said gently.

Draco gave a mirthless laugh, a horrible, hollow sound, and said, "A mistake? A mistake is getting someone's name wrong, a mistake is being given the wrong order at dinner. What I made was a choice, a terrible one and I've paid the price for it ever since."

"It's time to let it go, Draco. You'll never be able to put the past behind you if you continue to insist on living it. No one there tonight had any hostility towards you but until you can forgive yourself you won't be able to move forward."

"How can I forgive myself?" Draco asked. Neville knew he had meant it as a bitter piece of rhetoric but it had come across as a genuine question, one that he desperately wanted an answer to.

Neville slid his hand up to gently cradle the back of Draco's head and said softly, "By realising that everyone else already has. It's time to move on, love. It's time to let go."

AN: 2 chapter week to celebrate the fact that I have a job interview! Wish me luck, kids. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, please leave a review and let me know.