Chapter 9: The Librarian's Contribution
Summary:
Rincewind seeks help from the Librarian. A quickie.
Chapter Text
"Eek eek?"
"Yes, they've decided to make little bombs to help the wizards in their war." The Librarian of Unseen University had been transfigured from an insignificant faculty member into an orangutan by a strong wave of magic in a wizarding war himself. Finding he liked the form, he refused to be transformed back. These days, if someone were to point out that there was an orang-utan in the library, the wizards would probably ask the librarian if he had seen it.
"Ook eek ook?"
"Vetinari has his pet genius working on the powder for the bombs. He made it too strong at first – took the training dummy out as well as the target."
"Eeek!"
"Yeah, so Leonard plans to reduce the amount of the black powder, and he needs a stronger shell to hold it in place so it doesn't spread away from the target."
"Oook eeek?"
"I thought about the coconuts you have, and maybe the husks would be strong enough. They could pack the powder in and then seal it. Do you have any I can take?"
"Oook oook eeek!"
"No, no, they only want the husks. Leonard doesn't need the milk or the meat."
Rincewind sighed. "They asked if the Luggage could hold the bombs, which of course it could, but I'd have to go with it. You know I would love to stay here in the library as your assistant, but – adventures keep happening to me. I can use the snorkel horn to get to Roundworld, and Ponder has given HEX a family for the FTB to encourage him – it – to calculate more decimal places. He thinks that will give HEX an incentive to get the wizards back to their families. Just going to Roundworld might not be that bad, but Ridcully wants me to throw the bombs since the wizards will be fighting with their wands. You know I'm not a fighter."
The Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography had been sent on many adventures, and had a great turn of speed in running away from all of them. Aside from running away, his single greatest talent was an innate gift for languages. He could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.
"Eeek eeek ook ook!" the Librarian bounced up excitedly.
"You want to throw the bombs?"
For an answer, the Librarian reached below his desk and pulled out three coconuts. He opened them with a probing finger, swallowed the milk, then widened the hole and scraped away the coconut meat. After they were empty, he tossed one in the air, then two, then the third, juggling them easily with his long arms. Rincewind noted again the muscles which surrounded the rubber-sack-filled- with-water appearance of the orangutan. Deceptively mild in appearance, the Librarian became violent upon provocation. This usually involved calling him the m-word,* but he was also physically assertive in the matter of dog-ears and late returns.
"That's fantastic! I'll tell Ridcully. How many coconuts do you have?"
"Ook ook ook ook."
The Librarian had something of a trollish expression in his counting, and Rincewind knew he meant, 'one, two, three, many.'
"Bring all you can!" They're doing tests at the archery butts beside Hide Park."
The orangutan pulled out a net sack and stuffed it full. From the top drawer of his desk, he located the leather cord which held the badge proclaiming him a Special Constable of the Ankh-Morpork Watch. He nodded his head decisively, and the 300 pounds of orange – colored fur rose to follow Rincewind. Just as he reached the door to the library, he called out a thoughtful 'eek ook ook,' and hurried back to his stash of bananas. Thus fortified, the Librarian knuckled quickly after Rincewind as they hurried through the fetid streets.
Do not ever call the Librarian the word beginning with 'mo' and ending in 'ey.' He's an ape and takes strong exception to it.