CHAPTER SEVEN
Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
Katara was the first one to wake up the next morning.
She stayed in bed a while, looking up at the ceiling. Well, she would have been staring at the ceiling. If she hadn't been sleeping on the bottom bed. So she stared at the underside of Sokka's bed instead. Thinking. The only sounds she could hear were Sokka's snores and the ship groaning and rumbling. Katara heaved a heavy sigh.
She remembered the feeling of Zuko's breath on her lips.
"I should go back."
Oh, Spirits, what was she doing?
This wasn't allowed. This wasn't even… appropriate in the slightest. Not that Katara usually cared about that sort of thing. She hadn't bothered about being appropriate - ever - since she was fourteen. But Zuko cared. Zuko came from this world where nothing mattered more than being poised and graceful and elegant and proper. Proper. And here she was, barging into his life, turning it upside down.
This was all going to end in tears, wasn't it?
Katara groaned. She grabbed her pillow and buried her face in it. Her voice was muffled when she said to the sleeping room:
"I hope I'm not making a huge mistake."
After what felt like far too long, Katara rose from her bed. She pulled on her stockings and shoes, wrapped her shawl around her shoulders over her day dress and left her room. The fresh air would clear her mind. She walked along the Third Class deck. Someone she'd seen last night - a man Toph had been armwrestling with - nodded at her. Katara nodded back. She stood at the railing, hands curled together. Down below, the ocean rumbled, pushed and pulled. Pushed and pulled. Like her emotions. Back and forth.
What they were doing was wrong. But it felt right. But it was wrong. It was so, so wrong. He didn't belong with her. But she felt like he did. He should. But he had a fiancée and he was rich and he spent his dinners drinking champagne and eating caviar. But he hated caviar. And he loved art and he was soft and warm and he'd come last night. He had come. He'd come to a Third Class party. He didn't care if she was poor. He wasn't like them. He was like Iroh, but wasn't Iroh like them, in a way? He wasn't like Mai, anyway. He was good. He was so, so good.
Katara's hands toyed with her shawl. What they were doing…
What had they been doing? They'd danced, they'd sparred. A grand total of one time. That was it. Nothing more.
But he'd almost… he'd almost…
But Zuko hadn't.
Katara wondered what he was doing up there. Was he already up? Drinking tea or looking out at the water like she was? Was he with his fiancée? Had he already forgotten about her? She'd served her purpose, after being thanked at dinner for saving his life. The party had been… a bonus. An enjoyable bonus! But a bonus nonetheless. So there was no real reason for them to see each other anymore.
Was there?
"Hey, Katara!"
Katara looked up. Suki arrived with a warm smile. She had… a doll in her hand.
"Have you seen Meng anywhere? Or her aunt, maybe? She forgot her doll last night and I wanted to give it back to her."
"Nope, haven't seen any of them. I've just woken up."
"Ooh." Suki looked over Katara's shoulder. "Are we going to see a handsome boy with golden eyes walk out of your room? Sokka and those wrestlers probably already know, but I won't tell anyone else. Promise."
"What?!" Katara stiffened. "What do you mean?"
Suki arched an eyebrow.
"Katara. Come on."
Katara hugged herself. She closed her eyes, feeling the wind on her face.
"There's nothing… going on with Zuko." She bit her lip and looked at Suki. "Besides, he's up there. He's probably eating breakfast with his fiancée, right now."
"Oh."
"He's… still getting married. You know."
Katara saw the wheels turning in Suki's brain.
"Wait, isn't that the lady you said put handcuffs on your wrists because of that kerfuffle with the propellers… thing? Or something?"
"Yeah, same gal. Mai. And… I haven't told anyone, but she called me a whore."
Suki jumped.
"She called you a what?!"
"Well, when I pulled Zuko over the railing, I kind of… you know… fell on top of him. Kind of like last night, you know? It was an accident! But then everyone thought…"
"They thought he tried to pull something?"
"No, they thought I tried to pull something."
Suki's face flushed with anger. She clenched her hands into fists.
"Give me her room number."
"Suki! Really, it's… it's fine, I don't…"
"Give me her room number, Katara! Just give it to me. I'm gonna knock some sense into that First Class girl. If you won't, I'll do it myself!"
Katara put a hand on Suki's forearm. As reassuring as she could be.
"No. It's really not necessary."
Suki huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're probably right."
Something itched at the back of Katara's mind. Like a memory or… something. There was something… What had she forgotten?
Katara gasped. Her hands flew to her cheeks.
"I almost forgot! I gotta give back that dress. And that corset. And those jewels."
"Hm, hm!" Suki smiled a sly grin. "Another opportunity to see him, then." She waved a hand. "Come on, who cares about the fiancée? He didn't seem to care last night."
Katara's face fell.
"I… I don't know."
"What do you mean, 'you don't know'? For Kyoshi's sake, Katara, have you seen the way he looks at you? He's not fooling anyone. And you're not fooling anyone either."
"But he's… he's so… and I'm…"
"What? Not good enough?"
"No. Yes. Yes! I'm not…" Katara looked away, at the water. "You should see their world, Suki. I don't belong there."
"But he belongs in ours."
Katara looked up when, this time, Suki put a hand on her arm.
"Katara. Listen to me. Everyone could see it last night. Even Sokka could see it. You guys like each other. All right? There's no denying it. You balance each other. What you got there, it's the beginning of something special. And I know… Trust me, I know we haven't known each other for a very long time, but I say this as a friend. Don't cut it short because of outside forces. Don't stop because of them. What do you want to do?"
"I…"
Katara squared her shoulders.
"I want to find him."
"Then that's all you need to know. Go to him."
"I… thanks, Suki."
"No problem."
"I'm gonna help you find Meng, first, though. And get breakfast."
"Perfect!"
Suki wrapped her arm around Katara's, pulling her along.
"Let's go find Meng. Then, we feast. I'm starving!"
Toph finally escaped from her mother.
No part of her felt bad about going out while she was asleep. Toph couldn't spare another moment with her anymore. Her father had had a stroke of genius when he'd taken the first ship he could find to New York. At least he could avoid her. Toph walked down the First Class deck, her whole body tense. She'd gotten a dressing-down last night. About getting back to their room late, about being too fragile to get lost around the ship without a chaperone. Toph clenched her teeth. She hated being treated like this pathetic little girl. This little girl who didn't know any better. Who was nothing but a shell, helpless and broken.
She was ruminating those thoughts when she stopped at the smell of jasmine tea.
"Hello?" asked Toph.
"Oh! Hello."
She'd heard that voice before. At lunch, the other day. An old man with an easy laugh.
"You're Iroh Kai, aren't you?"
"And you're Toph Beifong, aren't you?"
"Yeah, but I'd rather just be Toph, right now."
"I see…"
She could feel his heartbeat. He was hesitant.
"Hold this for me, won't you? I'll be right back."
He thrust a teacup with its saucer in her hands and walked away. Toph turned towards the ocean, hands, teacup and saucer resting against the flat railing. She breathed in. The air was cool, fresh, and the waves gently crashed against the ship. It was delightful, really. Okay, maybe not everything about this trip had been a bad idea. There was the ocean breeze, salt and her new friends. Friends.
Toph had never had friends before. She could still barely believe it by the time she heard Iroh's footsteps again. He'd come back to stand next to her.
"Here is your tea! And I'll take this one back, thank you."
Iroh took her teacup and put another one, much warmer, in her hands. He snapped his fingers, warming up his own cup. Toph could feel the heat coming from his hands.
"You're a firebender."
"Indeed, I am. And you're an earthbender."
Toph huffed. The hair on her forehead stood up and fell back, tickling her skin.
"If it had been up to my mother, I wouldn't be. She only lets me learn the basics. Over and over and over again. Says I'm too frail for that. It's never stopped me from learning in secret on my own, though." She pointed an accusing finger at him. "And if you tell her that, I'm going to have to kill you."
Iroh guffawed. "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."
Having nothing more to say for now, Toph took a sip.
"Wow, that tea's really good!"
"Thank you. I brew it myself."
They enjoyed the sounds of the water crashing against the ship. Toph sighed. Her nail made a clinking sound against her teacup.
"I know what you're thinking. I don't look like I can handle myself."
"I wasn't thinking that."
"Why did you pour me tea, then? I could have done it myself."
"Well, my teapot was in my room, so I had to fetch it myself. I… imagine you could have come with me. But I think I poured you tea because I wanted to and no other reason."
"Huh."
She thought about that.
"People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself. That's what I want, anyway."
"You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. There is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you."
Toph laughed. "That hasn't stopped some people. So where is Sparky?"
"Sparky?"
"That's what I call your nephew."
"Oh! He must be in his room, I suppose. Though waking up late is rather unusual for him. He typically rises with the sun."
"Oh, trust me, let him be. He had quite a night. Don't tell anyone, but we were at a party in steerage last night." She snickered. "He must be exhausted after all that dancing."
"My nephew? Dancing? With who?"
"With Miss Katara La."
"Oh, oh! I see!" Mischief appeared in Iroh's voice. But it quickly turned soft. Almost nostalgic. "I'm glad she can take him out of his shell. He needs it."
"Yeah, he's good to her too. I think they love each other. What a shame."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, he's him and she's her. Worlds apart. He's engaged, too."
"I'm sure they'll find a way."
"I hope so, yeah…"
Toph trailed off. She sipped her tea again. Iroh's heart beat differently. Teasing.
"And what about you?"
"Hm?"
"I have a feeling there's someone in your life you can't be with."
"Oh! I just met him last night."
"As you said, matters of the heart can be incredibly sudden. We've seen that with my nephew and Miss Katara. It doesn't mean that they're meaningless. What do you see in him?"
"He's… unlike anyone I've ever met. He's light on his feet, he laughs a lot, he doesn't treat me like I'm fragile. He's probably more fragile than I am! He's… He's a breath of fresh air, really. I think we can be friends. Maybe something else, too."
"The only way to know for sure is to spend time with him."
"You think? But my mother…"
"Didn't you say earlier you just wanted to be Toph, the secret earthbender? And not conform to your mother's wishes?"
Toph's mouth hung open. He had her.
"Touché."
"Whatever you decide, I hope you know it's never too late."
"Thank you, Mr. Kai." She gave him his emptied teacup back. "It really helped."
"You're welcome."
Iroh squeezed her shoulder and walked away. His footsteps echoed on the floor. Toph smiled. Now she knew what she had to do.
Mai hated a lot of things about Zuko, but she especially hated when he was late.
It made her feel forgotten. Wasn't everyone supposed to be at her beck and call? Had Zuko been a servant at her father's estate, he would have been fired a long time ago.
Maybe she was a little bit unfair. He'd seemed morose, these past few days. Weeks. Months, even. Mai wasn't as observant as Azula, but she saw through him anyway. He wasn't happy. He never looked happy when she was there. He never talked about the weddings unless prompted and looked like he wanted to bolt whenever she hugged him. Mai knew it. But she also knew that she loved Zuko and that mattered more than anything.
Surely he could see that, too. Right?
Mai sipped her tea. She was alone, right now, except for the maid and the waiter. Azula had gone for a walk with Ozai, Iroh was somewhere probably drinking tea and thinking philosophically about life and Zuko was late. Late because of her.
Mai tried not to think about Katara La. Not this early in the morning. She was going to get an ulcer just thinking about that little…
Mai's train of thoughts was interrupted.
Zuko walked out on the promenade deck for breakfast. Mai eyed him. Studied him. He looked… different. Zuko's hair was still undone, falling into his eyes. He wore no coat or vest. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. Two buttons of his white shirt had been left undone, leaving his throat exposed. The black suspenders holding up his black pants contrasted sharply with his shirt. His eyes gleamed. A smile tugged at his lips. Pink blossomed on his cheeks. He looked sloppy, he looked unkempt, he looked… he looked…
He looked happy. He looked like he was in love.
Until his eyes found Mai's. Then, he became muted once more.
Zuko cleared his throat and took his seat at the table. He started drinking his morning tea, mumbling something about having a headache. As if that was an excuse for being late. Mai squinted her eyes. Zuko's hand shook around his teacup under her scrutinizing stare.
Good. He deserved it.
"Leave us."
The waiter and the maid exchanged a glance. They left. When the door closed behind them, she saw Zuko tense. Mai's eyes never left his face.
"I had hoped you would come to me last night."
"I was tired."
Right. Tired. Zuko had always been a terrible actor.
"Yes. Your exertions below decks were no doubt exhausting."
He stilled. As if trying to hide it, Zuko took a sip of his own tea.
"I see you had Azula follow me. I should have known."
"Oh, it wasn't me, it was your father. But let's just say, I agreed." He looked down and she gritted her teeth. "Zuko, you will never behave like that again. Understood?"
Anger flashed in his eyes. Zuko looked up.
"I'm not a foreman in your father's mills that you can command! I am your fiancé."
"My fiancé? My…"
Mai jumped up, anger she had been suppressing for months exploding in her. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he understand? Why couldn't he smile when she walked into the room? Why couldn't he look at her like she was his whole world? Why couldn't he look at her the way he looked at that peasant girl?
Why couldn't he love her?
Mai grabbed the table. She flipped it over. Plates and glasses smashed against the ground. Shattered. Zuko gasped, the sound cracking in his throat. Mai put herself in Zuko's face, leaning over him. Her hands gripped his arms, resting on his chair. Zuko whimpered. She towered over him, feeling more powerful than ever. She was used to Ty Lee looking at Azula in fear. It felt good when it was directed at her. When there was fear in his eyes.
Mai Agni commanded respect.
"My fiancé. Yes, you are! And my husband… in practice, if not yet by law." Her voice came out in angry whispers. "So you will honor me, as a husband is required to honor his wife. I will not be made out a fool! Is this in any way unclear?"
Zuko shook his head from left to right. His whole body trembled. Mai wasn't quite satisfied. She grabbed a butter knife from the floor. She lifted it up to his scarred eye, fist wrapped around the handle. Zuko's chest heaved with quick, sudden breaths. She could smell the fear on him. His face was reflected in the knife's metal. Mai looked him in the eyes. They were wide open. Wide with fear. He looked at the knife. At her. Back at the knife.
Pitiful.
"Do you think I don't see it?" Her voice was the only sound heard in the empty room, echoing on the walls of the luxurious promenade deck. "Do you think I don't see the way you look at her? Is it because she's a bender? Because she saved you? Because you feel like you owe her anything? I've given you everything! I bought you your paintings, your necklace, your… all you could wish for! So what is it? What does she have that I don't? Answer me!"
"I don't…!"
He never finished the sentence. His jaw clicked shut. She heard it anyway.
I don't love you.
There it was. Out in the open.
With a huff, Mai threw the knife over Zuko's shoulder. Its blade sank into the wall, at a ninety degrees angle. Mai straightened, sending a glance down at the shattered crockery and overturned table. Her hands clasped together, she looked at Zuko. Deep into his eyes.
"Look at the mess you've made."
With that, she walked away.
She heard Zuko gasp and fall to the floor. Mai couldn't care less. Still, standing by the door she pulled open, Mai took one look back at him.
"I-I-I'm sorry," he mumbled as a maid appeared to come and help. "I'm so sorry! We had a little accident. I'm sorry."
"It's all right, Master Zuko. It's all right."
He shrunk in on himself and his hand covered his mouth.
Mai left.
Ozai felt… disgruntled.
Last night, Azula had come to him with a smile on her face. She had looked ecstatic when she'd told him where Zuko was and with who he was. Ozai had laughed last night. His eldest son! With a steerage girl! Now that he was in the morning sun though, Ozai realized the matter at hand wasn't amusing at all. His daughter was cruel, cold-hearted, and that's what he'd wanted from Zuko. He wanted the perfect son, the perfect soldier, a servant who followed every rule. But Zuko had failed before. And that La girl was a threat Ozai needed to get rid of. She'd ruin all his plans.
He hadn't lied about Ursa's "debts" - which were his - for nothing.
Ozai found Zuko standing in his room in front of his mirror. He was tying up his hair in a proper topknot. Zuko froze when he saw Ozai's reflection in the mirror. Their eyes met. Ozai clicked the door shut and locked it. He crossed the room to stand right behind his son. Zuko looked like he wanted to run but didn't know how.
He looked like a mouse in a trap.
Pathetic.
"You are not to see that girl again, do you understand me, Zuko? I forbid it."
"Oh, stop it, Father." He finished tying his hair. "You'll give yourself a nosebleed."
Ozai grabbed Zuko's arms and spun him around to look him dead in the eye. His eyes were rimmed with red. He looked like he was about to cry. Zuko shook under his hands.
Good.
Ozai whispered in his face:
"Zuko, this is not a game! Our situation is precarious. You know the money's gone!"
"Of course I know it's gone. You remind me every day."
"Your mother left us nothing but a legacy of bad debts hidden by a good name. And that name is the only card we have left to play."
It was so easy to lie about a dead woman. Laughably easy.
"I don't understand you. It is a fine match with Agni, and it will insure our survival."
"How can you put this on my shoulders?"
"Do you want to see me working as a stable boy? Or a footman? Is that what you want? Do you want to see our fine things sold at an auction, our memories scattered to the winds? Spirits, Zuko, how can you be so selfish?"
"I'm being selfish?"
Ozai squinted his eyes. It was time Zuko remembered his place.
"You dare speak back at me?"
Zuko swallowed. Ozai let go of his arms. He took a step back and pointed at the floor.
"Kneel."
"I'm sorry?"
"You. Heard. Me."
Zuko dropped in a kowtow on the carpet. At Ozai's feet. He looked small. Harmless. Weak. He looked like he was that thirteen-year-old boy again. In many ways, he was.
"Do you remember what happened the last time you disrespected me?"
Zuko stiffened. "I'm sorry, Father." His voice shook. He kept his head bowed. "I meant you no disrespect. I am your loyal son."
Ozai crouched to the ground. He grabbed Zuko's hair and lifted his head up. Zuko whimpered. He'd been taught suffering would be his teacher a long time ago. But sometimes, he needed to be reminded. Just in case.
"Now you listen to me! What do you think is going to happen with that girl? Hm? Do you think that… that she's… that she's the love of your life? That she's going to grow old with you and you'll have a bunch of kids together and you'll be happy, forever and ever? She's going to leave with your money the second she has the chance! She's going to leave you penniless and after that... What will you do? You'll come crawling back home."
"I…"
"You have everything you could ever want, Zuko." Ozai talked in his most honeyed voice. "Your family. Your way of life. A good match to your future wife. You're going to throw all that away for a… for a little peasant girl? You met her two days ago!"
When Zuko didn't say anything, Ozai tutted.
"Zuko, Zuko, Zuko. Why would she ever like you? For your good looks? Your pretty face? Your personality? You know what she wants. If you don't, you're naïve. Forget her. It's for the best. For you and for all of us."
Zuko closed his eyes. Ozai smiled. He knew he'd won.
"It's so unfair."
"Of course it's unfair. We're rich. Our choices are never easy."
Ozai dropped Zuko's head. Without looking back, he left.
Katara knocked at Uncle Iroh's door and was answered… by a maid. A maid who was also holding a bowl of cherries. For whatever reason.
"Yes?" The maid blinked at Katara. "May I help you?"
"Hi! Um, I borrowed this dress from Iroh… Mr. Kai... last night and…"
"Oh!" The maid took the carefully wrapped package with a smile, quite the balancing act since she was also holding the bowl of cherries. "Yes, yes, I'll take it and have it cleaned before Master Iroh - and the rest of Master Iroh's family - comes back."
Katara breathed out in relief. "Thank you."
"And…"
The maid looked around, as if wondering if anyone was listening.
"I have it in good authority that young Master Zuko quite enjoyed his soirée last night. He came back tired and exhausted, but he couldn't keep himself from smiling. And trust me. We barely see him smile anymore."
"Oh! I, um… that's good."
The maid winked. "Have a good day, Miss Katara."
With that, the maid closed the door.
Katara searched the First Class deck. It was oddly empty. Where was everybody? That's when she remembered. Today was Sunday. Ah.
Katara walked away.
Some people stared. Katara tried not to blush, wringing her hands together. She stood out like a sore thumb, in her cheap dress and her shawl. Still, Katara walked forward. She'd come all this way here; she wasn't about to let herself be deterred. Katara found her way to the First Class dining salon, where many people were gathered behind a door. The divine service, then. On her way down the staircase, she was met by Mr. Andrews, who gave her a "good morning, Katara," before walking off to wherever he was headed. Katara reached the doors to the salon and was stopped by two stewards at the door.
"Oh! Hello."
"Look, Miss," said one of the stewards, firm but not unkind. "You know you're not supposed to be here."
"I was just here, last night. Don't you remember?"
"I'm afraid I don't."
That's when… Azula walked through the dining salon's doors. Katara felt her stomach turn to ice at the sight of that smile. It was sharp like a knife in the back.
"She'll tell you," tried Katara. "I was here last night. Remember?"
Her shriver of hope was squashed when Azula arched an eyebrow.
"My brother and Mai continue to be most appreciative of your assistance. They asked me to give you this in gratitude…"
Two twenty dollar bills stood between her fingers. Azula's smile became a smirk.
She was enjoying this.
Katara looked over Azula's shoulder. She found Zuko, standing just on the other side of the glass, amongst the crowd. His beautiful face looked peaceful, though Katara had a feeling he was hiding something. There was something behind those eyes…
Pain, perhaps?
"Look," Katara said with her stomach in a knot, turning back to Azula. "I don't want your money. I just want to speak to Zuko. I…"
"It's Mr. Kai to you. And this is also to remind you that you hold a Third Class ticket and your presence here is no longer appropriate."
Katara wanted to cry. She wouldn't give Azula this pleasure.
"Please," she tried again. "Can I just talk to Mr. Kai? For just a second?"
"Gentlemen?" Azula shared the bills between the two stewards. "Please see that Miss La goes back where she belongs. And that she stays there."
They led her away. One of them tried to take Katara's arm but she shoved him aside. She sent one last hateful glance at Azula over her shoulder. Azula waved a mocking goodbye.
Katara arrived in the Third Class general room where people chatted, played and laughed. She found Sokka quickly, eyes zeroing-in on a familiar wolf tail. When she made her way to him, that's when she saw he wasn't alone. Not that Sokka was ever really alone. He was sitting there with Suki, Aang, Appa, Momo, Jet and… Toph?
"What are you still doing here?" asked Katara.
She hadn't meant to snap. But she did anyway.
"Ooooh, something's going on, Sugar Queen," said Toph, serious for once.
"Yeah, what's the matter?" asked Sokka. He rose up and put a hand on her shoulder. Reassuring. Her rock, as always. "Katara?"
She told them everything.
"I warned you." Jet shrugged. "To you, he can seem like a Spirit amongst mortals, sure. But he's in another world, Tara. Forget him. He's closed the door on you."
"No." Katara pulled off her shawl and shoved it in Sokka's hands. She started to pace again, hands clasped behind her back. "It wasn't him. It was them."
From the corner of her eye, she saw Suki hit Jet with her elbow.
"Right! Uh, hey, Tara. I wanted to say. I'm sorry. About the way I've been acting around you. I haven't been nice. And I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted. But I still don't think of you in that way."
"No problem. You know what? I'm glad. You scare me too much."
Katara paced. She paced and she paced and she paced. People were starting to stare by now, but she didn't stop to care. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. She'd seen it in his eyes. It wasn't him. It was them. She was certain of it.
"Katara?"
She stopped her pacing and looked over her shoulder at Suki.
"Yeah?"
"What did I ask you this morning? What do you want to do?"
Katara looked at all her friends. She squared her shoulders.
"I need your help."
Sokka's strong arms, Suki's strong arms, Aang's airbending, Toph's encouragement and Jet's snide remarks helped Katara get to the First Class deck. Okay, maybe Jet's comments didn't help at all. But she still made it there. Katara took a lady's jacket and a hat from a bench and made her way down the deck.
She was going to find him. She had to.
Zuko hid it well. He'd had a lot of practice in the matter.
He followed after Father as if nothing had happened. As if his whole world, as if his hopes and dreams and new love hadn't been shattered like glass on the floor. He half-listened to Mr. Andrews explaining everything about his wonderful ship. Something caught Zuko's eye as they walked down the deck with the lifeboats, though.
"Mr. Andrews, I did the sum in my head, and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned…" Zuko scratched his cheek. Mr. Andrews waited for him to continue."Forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard."
Mr. Andrews looked genuinely pained at that.
"About half, actually. Zuko, you miss nothing, do you? In fact, I put in these new type davits, which can take an extra row of boats here." He gestured at the deck. "But it was thought... by some... that the deck would look too cluttered. So I was overruled."
Azula slapped the side of a lifeboat. Zuko sniffed.
"Waste of deck space as it is, on an unsinkable ship!"
Zuko was surprised when a firm hand was put on his shoulder. He looked up. Mr. Andrews was looking back at him.
"Sleep soundly, young Zuko." He said that with certainty. "I have built you a good ship, strong and true. She's all the lifeboat you need."
Zuko wasn't so sure about that. He let the others walk past him. His mind was working a mile a minute. Not enough lifeboats for everyone? Who had taken such a decision? Was it Ismay? Someone else, perhaps? Who could allow such a thing?
Zuko pushed aside his justified anger. He was about to follow when a hand, gentler than Mr. Andrews', grabbed his shoulder. He almost jumped when he turned and saw her. Katara. She was there! She was here! At first, he was overwhelmed with joy. But then he remembered Father and Mai. And then he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.
Zuko allowed her to drag him into the gymnasium.
"Katara, this is impossible," he said as she closed the door. "I can't see you."
At first he stood in the middle of the room. But as Katara walked around him to face him, Zuko found himself retreating, his back against the wall. He wasn't scared. Not of her. Never of her. But he was scared of himself. What if he wasn't strong enough to…?
Katara stood opposite him, maybe a foot away. There was only strength and determination he could see reflected in her eyes, almost glowing in the light pouring in from the windows. Zuko bit back a smile. All he wanted to do right now was jump in her arms, spin her around, maybe even… maybe even kiss her. He wanted to do that with every fiber of his being. But if he disobeyed... The last time he'd disrespected Father...
Katara looked him in the eye. So close. Too close.
"I need to talk to you."
"No, Katara. No. I'm engaged. I'm marrying Mai. I love Mai."
His confession rang hollow to his own ears.
As expected, Katara was having none of it. She smiled, one eyebrow quirked.
"Zuko, you're no picnic. All right?" Her eyes gleamed with mirth. "You're a... spoiled little brat even." Then she became serious once more. "But under that you're a strong, pure heart, and you're the most amazingly astounding guy… man... that I've ever known."
She took a pause as she was pouring her heart out.
Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...
"And…"
"I…"
Zuko tried to pull away. He really did. He tried to step around her and walked until his back was turned to the ripple-glass window. She stepped in his way.
"No, no! Let me try to get this out. You're amaz…" Katara stopped. Her hands waved uselessly in front of her. She breathed out. Tried again. "I'm not ignorant. I know how the world works. I have ten bucks in my pocket, I have nothing to offer you. And I know that. I understand." She walked a step closer. Zuko looked down at her lips, then up at her eyes again. "But I'm involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing that you're going to be all right. That's all that I want."
"Well, I'm fine. I'll be fine. Really."
"Really? I don't think so."
She was close, so close. All Zuko wanted to do was wrap his arms around her, say he was sorry, plead with her. Tell her he loved her. But he didn't. He couldn't.
Katara pointed at a spot on the wall, on her right and his left.
"They've got you trapped, Zuko. And you're gonna die if you don't break out. Maybe not right away because… because you're strong, but…"
Katara reached forward. Her trembling hand cupped his cheek, fingers touching his scar. Zuko's heart skipped a beat. He took in a sharp, shaky breath. No one had ever wanted to touch it. No one. Yet she was. She'd never looked at it with disgust or pity or shame. She'd seen it as a part of him. As who he was. Her thumb stroked his cheek.
"But sooner or later, that fire that I love about you is gonna burn out."
He couldn't resist. He didn't say it as a joke, it was just the first thing that came to mind. The first thing that stopped him from throwing caution to the wind and kissing her.
"I'm a firebender. My fire can't burn out."
"I'm not talking about that one. And you know it."
He did. Oh, he knew it very well.
"It's not up to you to save me, Katara."
"You're right. Only you can do that."
She walked one step forward again. Their noses were almost touching. Close. So close. Zuko looked at her lips. He closed his eyes. Then, his hand rested over Katara's, on his scarred cheek. He opened his eyes again, not quite looking into hers.
"I'm going back. Leave me alone."
Katara watched him go. Her heart shattered as he closed the door behind him.
She saw Zuko through the ripple-glass window. A shadow. Then nothing.
Her hand grazed the cool glass. She dropped her head.
It was over. Wasn't it?
Zuko practically ran back to his room. All he wanted to do was drop to the floor and bawl his eyes out. Somehow, he made it to his room without any such incidents. He slammed the door behind him. At first, he hoped nobody would be there. He flinched when he heard someone clink their spoon in a teacup. But then… he looked.
It was Uncle. And no one else.
"Ah, nephew." Uncle offered him his best sunshine smile. "I was just wondering! Have you seen Miss Beifong anywhere? We had a chat this morning around a cup of tea and I think she found companionship with a young man in steerage. She…"
He trailed off. Uncle's voice was full of concern when he said:
"Zuko?"
Zuko cracked.
He dropped to the floor, jaw clenched. Salt burned at his eyes until he couldn't see anything anymore. Tears ran down his cheeks. He sobbed, body rocked with heavy hiccups. His hands clawed at his hair, ripping apart his top knot. He yanked his hair free without really thinking about it. His headpiece clattered somewhere on the floor. Zuko tried to breathe. He couldn't. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe...
"Zuko!"
"I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it…"
A strong pair of arms was wrapped around him. Uncle whispered nonsense in his ear, rubbing the spot between his shoulder blades with one hand. Zuko cried into his shoulder, ugly sobs that hurt everywhere. Zuko clutched the fabric of Uncle's shirt.
"Remember your training, Zuko. Firebending comes from the breath."
He breathed in. Breathed out. Breathed in. Breathed out. Again. And again. And again.
"I'm sorry, Uncle," he finally whispered, voice raspier than usual.
"What are you sorry for, son?"
Zuko pulled away from Uncle. They stayed there on the floor, within arm's reach. Just a hug away. At first, Zuko wondered if he should lie and hide the truth. But then he remembered Azula always lied and he didn't want to be Azula. He wanted to be himself. Not anyone else. He wanted to be Zuko. Just Zuko.
"I can't marry Mai. I love Katara."
"Oh, Zuko…"
He found himself pulled into another hug.
"That's all right, son. That's so, so, so all right. That's good."
Uncle rubbed more circles between Zuko's shoulder blades. Uncle's breath was warm and comforting. He smelled of home and tea. Uncle seemed hesitant when he said:
"Zuko… I'm sorry to say but, I asked Katara to tell me what happened the other night and she told me. She told me you…"
"She told you I tried to jump?"
Zuko sniffed. He was going to be so angry...
"I… I'm sorry, I…!"
"Don't be sorry! I'm only thankful Katara was there to save you in time. I should have been there. I should have! But I wasn't and she was there. She's so good to you, Zuko. I'm not angry. I'm only glad she found you. I'm glad you found each other." Uncle took in another deep breath. He hugged Zuko tighter. "And don't worry. I'll talk to your father and Mai and we'll cancel the betrothal. It's gonna be…"
"No!"
It hadn't been an outburst. Not quite. Zuko could barely talk as it was. But as Zuko pushed himself away, forcefully this time, Uncle stopped talking and, instead, listened.
"No, it won't be fine."
Zuko remembered the flipped table, the butter knife, the kowtow and the hand pulling his head up. He also remembered Azula's satisfied smirk when she'd come back to the dining salon. Something had happened to make her smile like that. And he had a feeling that something had to do with Katara. Zuko swallowed, throat still aching.
"It's what's been chosen for me. I don't have a say in this. And… Father, Azula, Mai… they won't let go of this betrothal. It's our last chance from being destitute. We've run out of money! Father, Azula… Mother's debts… They won't let go that easily."
"They'll put up a fight. That is true."
"See? I'm trapped. And I can't tell them no."
Uncle seemed to think, then. For a long moment. He stroked his beard pensively. Then, as if resolute, he put his hands on Zuko's shoulders.
"Zuko, do you remember what I told you the day we left Southampton?"
It took Zuko a moment too long to vaguely remember...
"Something about destiny?"
Uncle smiled.
"Yes, something about destiny. What I specifically told you is that you never know how things are going to work out. But if you keep an open mind and an open heart, I promise you will find your own destiny someday."
He put his hand over Zuko's heart, on his chest.
"I also told you only you can decide who you are and who you want to be."
Zuko swallowed. Thickly.
"That's true."
"So, Zuko. I'm going to ask you again. Who are you and what do you want?"
Zuko thought. He thought and he thought and he thought. Uncle gave him a cup of tea and he drank. Jasmine. Of course. The liquid ran down his throat, warm and comforting. Like Uncle. Zuko finished his cup and wiped away the tears from his eyes. He straightened his back. His mind felt clearer than it had been in months, maybe years even.
Who was he? He knew the answer, now.
"I'm the boy who feels trapped by his stifling life. I'm the boy stuck in a betrothal I only agreed to for money. I'm… I'm the boy who doesn't love his fiancée. I'm the boy who loves art. I want to be an artist, maybe an actor. I'm the boy with the scar. It's a part of me, it doesn't define me. I'm the boy who does ballet, who can fight with dao swords, who firebends. I'm the boy who should cherish every moment he shares with his Uncle, but doesn't always. I'm the boy who's soft and fragile and strong and stubborn. I'm…"
Zuko took in a breath. He was going to say it.
"I'm the boy who melts when he's looking into a certain waterbender's eyes. I'm the boy who's fallen head first in love with Katara. And…" Zuko looked at his hands folded around his teacup on his lap. "And I'm the boy who ruined everything because I told her to leave me alone and she won't want to have anything to do with me anymore."
A hand squeezed his shoulder. Gentle. Kind. Zuko looked up. Into Uncle's eyes.
"What did I also say that day? Destiny is a funny thing, Zuko."
"Yes?"
"I'm sure if you go back to her… you'll be surprised by her reaction."
Uncle took back the teacup and set it down on the floor next to them. He looked at Zuko with warm pride and squeezed his shoulder once more.
"So. Now that we know who you are. What do you want, Zuko?"
Zuko cracked a smile.
"I want to find her."
Uncle retracted his hand from Zuko's shoulder. He lifted his arms up.
"Then go! For the love of all Spirits, go! And don't look back."
Zuko got to his feet. He took in a deep, deep breath. He was ready. He was ready. He trotted back the few steps he'd managed to make through the room earlier to the door. Zuko stopped, his hand on the doorknob, when Uncle added:
"And trust me that I will always love you."
He turned to Uncle Iroh. Zuko nodded, a small smile on his face.
"I love you too."
With that, Zuko ran out the door.