Chapter 14 – The Diary

Kisa was sitting on his bed with that notebook closed and laid in front of him. He had finally stopped crying, and he kept arguing with himself whether he should open it up or not. But then he gulped and opened the notebook.

The first page was filled with words. Beautifully handwritten words. Even after so many years, Kisa recognised it – it was Yoshida's handwriting. Kisa smiled a little. It just brought back even more memories, and after reading the first line on the page, he was sure that this thing would keep bringing memories back. It was a diary. Kisa didn't take long to realise that. It started on the day they had met. Even the exact date was written on the left corner of the page.

2nd April, 2007

I love playing the piano. Today I got a new reason to love it. I was playing, and someone walked in on me. A boy my age. His name's Kisa Shouta. I found out. He walked in, and just kept standing at the door, watching me play. It's not like I'm a psychic, I can just feel people's presence even when my eyes are closed. Plus I heard him whispering 'wow'.

'Come in, I ain't biting,' I told him, and then I stopped playing. 'What are you standing there for, kid?'

'I'm not a kid,' he mumbled as he walked closer. He looked kind of the anxious type. But he was adorable.

'So. Do you like piano songs?'

He was hesitating. That's how I knew he didn't really like it (or he had no idea about it), and he just didn't wanna lie. I smiled at him, and he blushed. Such an awkward kid he is.

'I take it as a no.'

'No, it's not…'

'Come on,' I rolled my eyes. 'What's your name? Are you a freshman?'

He nodded.

'Kisa Shouta.'
I shook hands with him.

'Yoshida Ryo. Also freshman.'

Kisa had always remembered this moment as if it had happened just yesterday. He was sobbing quietly as he read this entry. He even remembered the smell of the cherry blossoms, and the warmth of the sun on that day.

He didn't even realise that Yukina was sitting next to him, glancing at the diary with a sad face.

"Are you sure you should be reading this?" he asked quietly.

Kisa nodded.

"I just… I- There are a lot of things that I need to know. You know…" Kisa sighed and wiped his face. "You know, in order to be able to move forward again."

Yukina nodded.

"I might not understand how you're feeling, but… you're not alone in this."

Kisa glanced at him, and he smiled.

"I'll make sure to talk to you about this." He lifted the notebook. "About all this."

"I'll leave it up to you. If you feel like that will help, I'm happy to listen."

Yukina walked out of the room, and Kisa turned back to the diary. He flipped a few pages that told about Yoshida's days briefly, but Kisa wasn't a part of them yet. Then he found an entry. It was labelled as 'best day ever'. Kisa smiled.

7th May, 2007

I've run into Kisa Shouta a lot after we've first met. And I've fallen in love with him. Which is not very weird as I fall in love easily, especially when it comes to cute guys like him. I don't even care that I have no idea whether he's even straight or not. Spending a few minutes with him on Campus every now and then is enough. I thought I could find out the rest later.

But then we started hanging out. Like, a lot. Not just running into each other and talk. And I've found out a lot about him. Like, he's smart, he kinda likes shoujo manga, and he wants to be an English teacher. Which is a big freaking coincidence because I wanna be one, too. I think this fact drew us closer.

And today, I asked if he wanted to grab some ice cream after school. I mean, it's May and it's very hot. And ice cream is always good. He said yes, and I almost freaked out. We went to get that ice cream, talking about a bunch of nonsense, and I felt like I should ask him out. He will either say yes, or reject it, or hate me. I needed to roll that dice.

'You know, Kisa, I'm honestly glad you decided to stop by the music room last month.'

He grinned at me. I almost lost it.

'I'm glad you're glad,' he replied.

Come on, Ryou! You can do this! I drew a deep breath.

'And I was wondering, if… uhh...'

I was blushing, and he seemed puzzled. I was scared to death, literally, my heart was beating in my throat. I've never really felt such nervousness before.

'Are you okay?' he then asked, suddenly looking more concerned than puzzled. 'You look like you're having a fever.'

'Oh no, that's not the case,' I chuckled nervously. Although it really felt like I was having a freaking fever. 'Okay, Imma spill it. I was wondering if you wanna go out with me? Please don't judge me, I just like you a lot…'

I was wondering if he could understand that because I was pretty sure I couldn't have brought myself to repeat it. That one second between my gibberish and his reply felt like an eternity. But then he finally said:

'I- Yeah, I'd love to go out with you.'

And I got so happy I jumped high with my fist in the air, yelling 'yes'. I'm so happy. I have an adorable boyfriend now.

Kisa always knew that Yoshida loved him. But he never thought that he was thinking about Kisa like this.

A tear drop had fallen onto the paper, and Kisa wanted to wipe it away, but then he didn't. Just how long would it take to get over all this? How long would it take for him to finally stop crying?

He kept on reading until the sun went down, and it was dark in his room. He didn't seem to care that he could hardly read the words anymore. The diary was full of memories. Not every day was written in there, but it seemed like Yoshida noted something in the notebook at least once in every two weeks. The important things. And it was full of moments he spent with Kisa.

22nd August, 2007

Yoko found out about me and Kisa, and she was so mad. I mean, I knew she had a crush on me, but that's not exactly what she was mad about. As we are best friends, she expected me to tell her things like this immediately. And now I've been dating Kisa for three months.

'I hate you, Ryou. Why would you not tell me shit like this?'

I smiled. Mainly because I didn't really wanna break her heart. We are friends, and she's such a cool person, she doesn't deserve this kinda heartbreak.

'I'm sorry…'

'Fuck your apologies. Just tell me about him.'

And I told her everything. How I've met Kisa, how we became friends, and how I asked him out. And Yoko was smiling like an idiot. She seemed truly happy about it.

'Well, good to know you're into guys, though.'

'Oops…'

She punched me in the arm, and that's when I spotted Kisa from the corner of my eyes. I turned towards him, and he seemed kinda puzzled to see me being this close with a girl. For crying out loud, I bet he misunderstood it.

I raised my arms in the air, and waved at him, and he began walking towards us.

'Hi!' I greeted a little too awkwardly.

He smiled.
'Hey.'

'So, Yoko…' I turned towards her, and now I thought about how we're at the first name basis. I'm sure Kisa will understand. 'This is Kisa. My… boyfriend.'

Yoko smiled at him, and Kisa introduced himself. It was all okay. He wasn't misunderstanding anything, I was just being paranoid. He's such a nice boy. I'm glad I met him.

Kisa was smiling and crying at the same time. That was the day he had met Kawashima Yoko, but he hadn't really talked to her during the time he was dating Yoshida. No wonder he had forgotten about her. But it was a miracle that Kawashima remembered him. And Kisa could guess that it was because he was dating Yoshida, the guy that Kawashima was into. Now that he thought about it, it was kind of obvious, but no one ever pointed it out. They would always let Kawashima deal with her unrequited love.

Now Kisa looked out the window, and wiped his face again, for the millionth time that day. Then he walked to turn on the lights. He was reaching for the handle and go out to the kitchen, and maybe talk to Yukina, but he pulled his hand back. He just went back to his bed to read the rest of the diary.

There was a huge jump then. The first entry was written in their first year, and then the next was in their third. When third year at the university began.

3rd April, 2009

I was walking to my first class that year. With a horrible headache. I stopped in front of the room, and rubbed my forehead, when someone hugged me from behind. The corridor was deserted, so no one could see us. I knew it was Kisa.

'Morning,' he greeted cheerfully. Then his smile faded. 'Are you okay? You're pale.'

I nodded, but I wasn't exactly feeling okay.

'Yeah, just a headache. Must be the change of weather.'

And then we went on talking about a bunch of silliness. Apparently, I just remembered that our third year anniversary was coming up soon. I have been planning a big, big surprise for him.

'Hey, I was thinking that we could order a pizza tonight,' he then said.

'A pizza? Like, order it to… school?'

Kisa frowned, tilting his head to the side.

'You must have a horrible headache. You're sleeping at mine tonight, remember?'

Ah yeah. Then I recalled that we have arranged that… maybe yesterday.

'I'm good, I'm… I'm just…' I was gonna say I was feeling fine, but suddenly, I started speaking gibberish, and it felt like my head was about to explode.

"Okay, I don't care what you say, I'm taking you to the school nurse," Kisa said but his voice was faint. The next thing I know is that we were in the nurse's office, she was asking questions, Kisa was answering them, but hell, I have no idea what was going on.

And then… dark.

"I should've known," Kisa muttered to himself, his whole body shaking. He felt like he was going to throw up. "I should've fucking known."

5th April. 2009

I woke up quite confused with my mother sitting next to me, holding onto my hand. And a doctor standing above me, smiling.

"Good morning, Yoshida-kun," he greeted.

"Huh?" was all I could say.

"You've been in the hospital for the last two days," my mother explained. "You… collapsed at school."

I frowned as I began to remember. Well, memories were blurry, but I could remember.

"We'll need to do examinations today," the doctor said, and only now did I just realise that he was measuring my blood pressure. "Hmm, this is a bit higher than normal."

"Examinations?" I asked.

"Yeah, as to why you've collapsed at school. Your friend who took you to the nurse's office said you were trying to say something, but you weren't speaking clearly. He also said you had some extreme headache."

"It wasn't that extreme," I tried to shake it off, but my anxiety was getting higher. What the hell was going on with me?

"Well, extreme enough to cause you to collapse."

Later, the doctor managed to do the examinations. A nurse took my blood. Another measured my blood pressure again. They asked about allergies, they asked if this has ever happened before. No, it never has. They said it might be related to blood pressure problems, but just for safety, they'll run a CT scan. Now that made me scared. I looked at my mother, and her expression didn't make me feel any better.

I gulped. I was inside that machine for… a long time, or at least it felt like a long time.

When I got out…

...they hit me with the bad news.

Brain tumour. Grade 3. They informed me about how dangerous it is, and how surgery and further chemotherapy was needed, but… I wasn't able to listen. I was thinking about my mother who was listening to the doctor, barely able to hold her tears back.

And I was thinking about Kisa. How the hell am I gonna tell him?

22nd April, 2009

I haven't been able to tell Kisa. Not yet. And… I wasn't feeling good. My headaches were persistent, the doctor warned me about them. Also, I was constantly feeling nauseous, needed bathroom breaks in the middle of class…

And my first surgery would be performed on the 1st of May Until then, I was taking strong pain killers, hoping that it wouldn't affect my everyday life.

Well…

I spent my days with Kisa. Yesterday, we've seen a shooting star. It was magnificent.

"What did you wish for?" Kisa asked as he turned to look at me.

"Why would I tell you?" I said jokingly.

"Because… I don't know, I'm your boyfriend after all."

We laughed.

"Wishes never come true if you tell everyone."

He nodded.

"True."

I had to leave his place because my headaches were killing me. He was concerned, and rightfully so, and even then, I wasn't able to tell him about my condition.

I wished for my own well-being. I'm counting on that shooting star.

A huge skip to May. Until then, Yoshida hadn't written a word, and honestly, Kisa couldn't really remember what happened for the rest of April. Exams, studying, but otherwise… nothing else could come to his mind. He wiped his face, and for a moment, he was just staring into nothing. He could hear noises coming from the kitchen. Yukina was probably preparing dinner.

1st May, 2009

I'm ready. My surgery will be performed at 2 in the afternoon, just in a few hours. I lied to Kisa. I told him I'd take a trip to Hokkaido with my family. He doesn't know that I'm still in Tokyo, in the same hospital I woke up in just two months ago. Come to think of it, Yoko doesn't know about anything, either. Hopefully, they wouldn't have to know…

2nd May, 2009

The doctor came around earlier. He told me that they removed a part of the tumour, but I'll need chemotherapy. Just as he predicted. I talked to my mother. I didn't want that. I asked the doctor, and he said, with all honesty: "At best, I can give you… four months, maybe five to live, Yoshida-kun."

That… destroyed me. But if anything, I want to live those four months at the fullest.

But again, what do I do about Kisa and Yoko?

20th May, 2009

I spent a week in the hospital, and then they let me come home. I promised myself to go to school, attend every class, do as good as I could, and make my mother proud. Although she always told me she was proud of me.

We are playing pretend. We pretend that we are happy, and everything's fine. Except I haven't talked to Kisa yet. And to avoid him or Yoko to notice the scars on my head, I'm wearing a wig that's almost like my hair.

As I was cycling to school, I came to a decision. I'll break my connections with Yoko and Kisa. I don't want them to feel this pain when I'm gone.

And Yoko was the first one. During break, I grabbed her to talk, and I came up with a bunch of lies and bullshit just to hurt her feelings, hurt her enough for her to slap me in the face and cry and call me a godforsaken liar. I made her think that we weren't really best friends, and I was only using her because she had better grades than I had, and she helped me a lot. Now she ran away crying, and for the rest of the day, she hadn't talked to me.

As for Kisa… he was busy studying, and I haven't seen him much. I had my crying over Yoko. And after Kisa, I'll sure be devastated.

30th May, 2009

I've finally got to see Kisa, and as his face lit up upon seeing me, I felt like the most horrible person in the world for what I was about to do.

"I need you to come over on Saturday," I said without a hello or a hug. He was… taken aback.

"Okay. How was your trip?"

I tried to smile and act casual. I failed.

"It was… well, okay."

Kisa frowned, I was sure he knew that something was off. Obviously, I was the worst liar ever.

"Okay, well. You seem distressed, so I'll see you on Saturday I guess."

Again, I was really close to tell him what was really going on. Because with all honesty, he deserved to know. He deserved to fucking know. But I couldn't bring myself to do so. What was more devastating? A break up, or your partner slowly being eaten up by death? I had to choose wisely. From a breakup, he could recover, and start new. From these bad news, he might never be the same again. He might never be happy again. And I don't want that.

2nd June, 2009

Saturday.

Playing the piano was one of my passions, and it was the only thing that helped me gather my thoughts without falling apart. I was ready to let Kisa go, even if it meant that I had to tear him apart. I believed that from this, he would be able to get up. From the fact that I'd be dead soon, he wouldn't.

The song that calmed my nerves was actually Kisa's favourite.

Life is devastating.

I felt his presence when he arrived. Shortly, I stopped playing, and turned towards him. He was standing at the door, just like when we first met, smiling at me, and I almost cried. I had to be strong. For him.

"Look who stopped by."

"Why would I not?" he rolled his eyes and took a step closer.

"Listen… I need to tell you something."

"Oh, shit," he muttered. He knew something was off. I know he did.

"Kisa, I'm sorry," I managed to finally say it.

"For what?"

He was waiting for me to reply, but I found it hard to speak. How should I say it? What should I say?

"I came to realise that the things between us…"

"…just aren't gonna work," Kisa finished the sentence. "How did you come to this conclusion after three years?"

"I–"

"You know, what? Save it."

And he stormed out. The door slammed behind him, and… I began crying. Ever since I had decided to break up with Kisa, I haven't cried yet. Now I did. For the whole day. I cried myself to sleep.

Another big jump in the diary, and Kisa noticed that it was the last entry. At that point he felt so devastated that life itself seemed pointless, and most importantly, merciless. He had a headache, it was a mix of reading and crying for hours straight.

Before he began reading, he heard soft knocking on the door.

"Are you ready for dinner?"

Kisa glanced at Yukina, and then at the diary.

"Give me a few minutes," he smiled. Yukina smiled back, nodded, and left.

Kisa turned back to the last entry.

31st of December, 2009

The doctor said five months, well… I'm still alive. Not so well, but alive. Countless of chemo, check-ups, examinations. I was so tired of it all, and I could feel the end of my life approaching slowly. It was tiring to see my mother slowly giving in and being destroyed by the fact that her son will be gone soon. I just wish she didn't have to go through this. I don't even care about my pain anymore, I just want this to be over. But my mother… I want her to be happy, I want her to smile and laugh.

When I'm not in pain, I'm thinking about Kisa. What is he doing? How is he? Is he going to become a teacher? Does he still love me? Or is he over me already?

And I'm thinking about Yoko. I hope she trusts people, and got over my fake lies. I hope she's well. I hope she's becoming a journalist.

And I'm thinking about my mother. I'm thinking about how she used to help me with my homework when I was little. How she used to paint and draw with me. How she always laughs at those cheesy comedy movies. And now she's watching me go.

If you all ever read my diary, I want you to know: I wish you guys the best. I want you guys to be happy. I had a very happy life, with loads of love, laugh, and things worth remembering.

Mum, I want you to remarry, like you always wanted. And adopt those puppies. Smile and laugh.

Yoko, I want you to know that I'm so very sorry for lying to you. You were my best friend, and I couldn't have wished anyone better than you. I want you to find some good people to spend your life with, pursue your dreams. Best of luck, girl.

And Kisa… I want you to find the love of your life again. I want you to go out there and find the one. Find a happy and fulfilling relationship, take that trip to South Korea, and be happy. Please, Kisa, be very, very happy. I love you. I love all of you.

Yoshida Ryou

Kisa took a shaky breath as he closed the diary. He knew he would need months if not more to recover from all this. Getting to know that Yoshida was dead was one thing. But reliving and experiencing things from his point of view was another. And it took Kisa's grieving to a whole new level.

Kisa supposed that Yoshida must have died not long after the last entry. Yoshida had stated that he had a happy life. Kisa hoped so. He deserved it. Such a nice, caring, and gentle young man he was. Kisa felt so sad, but there was also a strange feeling inside him.

The mystery had gone. Now he knew why Yoshida broke up with him ten years ago. Now he knew it was for a reason, and he knew what that reason was. He caught up with Yoshida's life after their break up. And besides sadness, he also felt calm. He could finally, and once again, come to terms with what had happened between the two of them, and move on. Fully move on. He knew he needed loads of time, though. But he was ready to take this step.

He was going to try and eat some dinner, but instead, he cried himself to sleep. He woke up once during the night when Yukina carefully lied down next to him, and wrapped himself into the blanket, cuddling up to Kisa. His touch was comforting. After spending the entire evening reliving memories, now Kisa knew it was time to let go of it. Slowly, but surely, he was coming back to reality, coming back to his life, in which he had a cheerful and caring young boy taking care of him.

Kisa smiled a little as he fell back asleep.