DECEMBER 9 THURSDAY

The chaps set up a tent at the foot of Death Mountain and when morning came they feasted on tea and one of the croats, which they cooked on a small volcano.

"What day is it anyway?" James asked, liking the feel of a hot cup of tea in his hand, and liking the majestic view.

"Thursday," said Remus.

"Hm. I guess we have no classes today."

"No we have classes all day, as usual."

"Only independent studies I suppose."

"We have two quizzes, two presentations and we were supposed to go to the Museum of Relics with Professor Bruce."
"Then let us get on with it. We might still be able to catch some of that."

They finished their tea and the croat. Remus made the small volcano disappear and packed the kettle and tent.

They were looking for a hidden entrance and they could only find it because it was being guarded by a dragon.

"Do we have to kill it?" James asked.

"It has a lock around its neck, look," said Remus.

"If there's a key," said Peter. "There must be a lock! I mean, if there's a lock! There must be a key!"
"Well that's too bad we didn't bring a key then," said Sirius.

"Or," said Remus. "Maybe you have the key."

Sirius pointed at his heart. "In here?"

"Why not here?" James pointed at his heart.

Remus asked for the butternut pumpkin from Sirius and smashed it. He took the axe, Mordag the Cutter, and bashed at the lock with it. The dragon vanished.

The ground began to shake violently, triggering roaring avalanches, when the mountain opened up. The chaps hurried inside and met a very steep staircase.

"What even is Death Mountain?" Peter whispered.

"Death Mountain is an underground prison complex for the most dangerous beasts," said James. "Down there, you will find the most brutal, the most vicious and most cold-hearted of monsters."

He had learned that on Spells & Curses and even 'though it was a daytime soap, it did get some things right.

"W-w-what sort of monsters?"

The steep stairs led to a narrow and dark and cold passageway littered with rabbit bones. They could hear growling, they could hear the shaking of iron bars, they could hear harmonicas and singing.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..."

An inmate pounced his cell door, glaring at the chaps with wild yellow eyes.

"So tasty looking!" Mouth lick.
His teeth were long and unfiled, his hair a hot mess, his clothes were rags.

"Just passing through. We're looking for Grethel Hansen, that's all," said James.

"This must be the werewolf part!" said Sirius, excited at first, until he was affected by empathy.

"No non-werewolves in the werewolf part," said the werewolf (in the cell). "Come here and I can fix that."

"Ok!"

But, Remus pulled him back and dragged him along.

"Sorry," said Sirius. "But, like, I guess my chum has first nibs- I mean first dibs. Ow my first ribs..."
Another werewolf pounced at another cell dor.

"Pop!" She glared at Remus. "If you pop that bubblegum one more time!"
So Remus threw here a gumball so she'd mind her own bubblegum business.

A third werewolf pounced her cell door.

"He ran into my teeth ten times!"

Most of the inmates were coincidentally fairly young. They all looked like a cross between Tarzan and Cinderella and they were all weirdly hot.
"How come you're all the same age?" Sirius asked. "And why is that age roughly the same as our age?"

Another werewolf pounced his cell door.

"Hello I'm Ruffly."

"Hi Ruffly."

"We were all split by the same bloke some 12 or so years ago. Then we were abandoned by our parents and snatched by hunters."

"Oh. I'm sorry. To be honest I'm surprised at how hot you all are despite the rags and not having had a bath in 12 years."

"Well, being hot helps attract the prey dunnit?"

"What are you talking about? You don't attract prey. You go, hey, a full moon, poof, now I'm a wolf."

"It's not entirely like that. You see, our maker carried a mutated curse. That means we can get some serious urges at any time. Our teeth are always fully functional."

"Oh really? And is that ALL that is always fully functional- my ribs!"

"Is that right?" said James "Well that is very enlightening. I feel like it explains so much. So your maker, is he down here somewhere? Would you like us to kill him for you?"

"Why would we want that? He didn't abandon us and bring us here. Our parents and society did."

"Yeah, but... Fine. We won't, then."

"So I hope none of you is the Creature," said Sirius, only just realizing, they had forgotten to ask Rora who The Creature was.

"Where's Grethel Hansen?" Remus asked, who had asked, who The Creature was.

"The Gingerbread Witch who ate a lot of children?" said Ruffly.

"Who?" said James.

"I remember them bringing her here like it was yesterday. Sometimes I can hear her scream: Rise! Rise! She's in the Great Pit." He pointed in the direction of the Great Pit. "Why do you ask?"

"We're here to defeat her I guess. Is the Great Pit that way?"

"The path to the Great Pit is long, perilous and fraught with danger. You will need a guide." Flash teeth.

"But you've been in there for twelve years how would you know how to find your way around?" Sirius asked.

"Typical. You won't let me out because I don't have the experience and I can't get the experience unless you let me out."

Well, Sirius could be a jerk sometimes, but he was no asshole. Well sometimes. He rubbed a magic plektrum, which he had once bound with hedgehog grass, on the lock. The lock crumbled.

Ruffly came out of the cell.

"Can my little brother Riff Raff also come?"

"Sure."

Sirius released Riff Raff as well.

"And the rest of our friends?" said Riff Raff.

"Well ok."

He let them all out.

And they all ran to the exit.

"Now remember to behave!" Sirius shouted after them.

A rabbit skeleton hit him in the head.

"Congratulation you just got married," said Ruffly.

"Ok let's go," said James. "Can you lead the way, Ruffly?"

But Ruffly just pushed him into a wall and ran to the exit, and so did Riff Raff.

The chaps would simply have to carry on without any guide.

They continued through those long and dark and cold paths that got ever deeper.

"Maybe you'd like to kill your maker since we're here anyway," said Sirius.

"No I'm good," Remus replied.

"Really? But it could be your one and only chance!"

"Even so, I'm still good."

"But what about all the suffering he caused, and could cause again!"

"Look I won't do it."

"I get it. Because you think it would somehow be hypocritical. Well what about the lore that says, that killing one's maker could lift one's curse? I thought you were prepared to do anything to lift your curse."

"Yeah anything but killing."

"Well aren't you noble."

"No. It's just... against the code..."

"Fack the code!"

But alas, he could not, fack the code, because it was against the code.

Then woosh, somebody soared over their heads and they looked up, to see, just who, had soared over their heads, just now?

"What was that!" said Peter.

" Ha ha ha ha!" came a voice in the shadows.

They had reached a vast underground space where green magma flowed in canals and rope-and-plank bridges led across abysses. The chaps could see a cloaky shadow stand on a tall platform, his dark cape flowing in the non-wind.

"The Conk!" they exclaimed.

"I knew we should have brought our gadgets!" said James.

"It's The Cape!" said The Cape. "Well well well! What do we have here?"

The Cape did a show-offy soar around the vast underground space. It began to rain acid gummy bears.

"I bet you wish the Mischief Managers would come and save you now!" cried The Cape. "Well guess what! They're not coming! You know why? Because I defeated them! I defeated them hard! I defeated them so hard they begged me for mercy! 'Please we beg you, let us go!' Because they were just all talk and no walk, you see! It's one thing to brag to the press, it's another to... something. Anyway, hand over the Cutter or die!"
"Never!" James cried.

The puddle of gummy bears began to assemble into huge ten feet tall gummy bears. They beat their chests and roared, and they emitted a strange gas that made the chaps very, very sleepy.

When they woke up again several hours had passed, and they had lost The Cutter. They hurried to find the cell with Grethel Hansen, although they feared she had already gone.

She wasn't in the cell.

But that didn't mean she had gone.

Well, well, well!" came a voice behind them.

They turned, and there she was, the gingerbread witch.

"I've been expecting you!"
And all that.

"I've been waiting, because I want you to find me the sword Breadscalibur."

"I've never even heard of the Breadscalibur," said James.

Sirius wanted to fast forward things.

"Where is it, what you need it for, why us and what if we refuse?"

"I don't know where it is," said gingerbread witch. "That's where you come in. You must find it and give it to me so I can cut the horns from Goaty Man. Why you? Because this was in my horoscope this morning." She looked in the back of a news paper. " 'They will come into your cell, a show-offy Gemini, a domineering Sagittarius and a bloody pacifist hippie of a Pisce, the very same, who shall find the Breadscalibur.' "

"I guess there just is no fighting your destiny sometimes," said James.

The gingerbread witch dropped the news paper.

"And you will bring me the Breadscalibur, or else!"
 James kicked a biscuit.

"So much crumbs. What if I were to just tidy up a bit?" Fingers in mouth. Hweeowee! His Ziggy Stardust came flying into the cell and began to sweep up a dust storm as well as many vicious dust bunnies.

The gingerbread witch raised her arms and did crawly fingers, very sorcerer like, conjuring a giant dough monster. The giant dough monster rised and bubbled, filling the cell with a yeasty smell. It reached for the ziggy stardust, caught it in its glutinous strings and folded over it, cracking it in half. James shrieked.

The chaps were caught in a whirlwind of flour.

Find me Breadscalibur, said the gingerbread witch, or you're bread! You're ALL bread! You have until the 17th!

Another food villain. The chaps really wanted to kick themselves for not bringing their super gadgets.