DECEMBER 8 FRIDAY
The glass case with the stuffed body of Sir Nicholas of Swinesale sat but a stone's throw from the corpulent madame.
"I'll say some random words," said James. "I wish to register a complaint! Good night ding ding ding ding! NUURRSSE!"
Sir Nicholas's eyes glowed red. His voice sounded nothing like John Cleese.
"You have entered three incorrect passwords!"
And owl swooped over them, dropping an envelope on James's head. He spoke the temporary password:
""IE8f6hjhSF."
"WRONGG!"
What? James hated these temporary passwords, he always missed something!
"Please confirm that you are not a golem by repeating after me! Breakfirst nurfail."
"Breakfast nail file."
"Correct. Do you wish to X, enter me, or Q, reset the password?"
"Q."
"Please speak your new password after the signal and finish with any quote from the Dead Parrot sketch of your choice."
Just like last night, the chaps took turns saying a word each, in the same order as before.
"Semprini."
"Number 1: The larch."
"Stoatgobbler."
"Fruit."
"HELLO POLLY!" they finished, screaming.
Sir Nicholas stopped sounding like a demonic choir. Now he sounded like John Cleese again.
"You're new password is: Semprini. Number 1: The larch. Stoatgobbler. Self defense against. If you are happy with your new password, do a silly walk."
The chaps did the silliest walks they could.
"You have changed your password. Thank you for changing your password. Enjoy your new password."
The lights in Sir Nick's eyes went out.
After Sir Nick, the chaps went to a portrait of Lady Brunhilda. They took turns saying a word each:
"Eggman."
"Walrus."
"Hey Jude."
"Daydream Believer."
"You're new password is: Eggman. Walrus. Hey Jude. Daydream Believer. Enjoy your new password."
Things were going smooth as sweet vermouth.
"Which one is next on the list?" Sirius asked. "Dumbledore is bound to have one."
"There used to be one in the headmaster's bed chamber," said Remus. "It still is, except Dumbledore made the bedchamber his office and vice versa."
"Well how selfless!"
"That's just what's he's like!" said James.
"If he's really selfless, how come he had such a need to tell Rem that?"
"You don't know he told him that, he could have just observed it."
"Rem? Observing anything besides the twinkle behind his half-moon spectacles?"
Zap. Pink bubbles bubbled out of Sirius's mouth when he tried to speak. Remus chewed on his willow, sphinx molar.
"So you have observed the twinkle behind his half-moon spectacles?"
Sirius tried to chew down the bubbles but his jaws just got glued together.
"What's that? Are you sorry?"
Zap. Remus's head became a jelly. His arm gestures became incredibly rude.
"Do you need to shake hands or something before we continue?" James asked.
Sirius and Remus upheaved their magic.
At the foot of the headmaster tower, the chaps tried to listen to see if Dumbledore was up there. They were hoping he'd be out on mysterious errands.
"Rem should go up there and test the waters," said Sirius.
"Fine," said Remus, already ascending.
"Wait a minute!"
"What?"
"I haven't told you what to say in case you meet him."
"It's fine. I know what to say."
Remus disappeared around the spiral stairs.
"What were you going to tell him to say?" James asked.
"Let's go for a little walk!"
Together: "Under the moon of love!"
They couldn't sing the whole song, or dance too loudly, because if someone was coming they wanted to hear it.
Nobody was coming. It was dead quiet. So quiet James could hear all the snake-activity in the all-surrounding snake-pipe system. The sound made James feel sick.
"Puppies chasing a ball..."
There. Better.
When some more minutes had passed, James and Sirius considered going up the stairs to check on the situation. But there was no need. Remus was coming down now.
"Ok it's done."
"It's done?" said James.
"Yes. Sorry. You didn't change your minds did you? I just gave the words you said before: Snape has a small pee-pee."
Smooth as sweet vermouth. The chaps were thrilled, but also a bit sleepy.
The Hospital Wing had a bronze statue of Lady Helga and her six badgers. When it came to change the password, the chaps realised that it needed not only consist of words. It could consist of only actions and it could be a mix of both.
So just to spice things up they came up with the following: Quality Street (Scratch Zebra under the chin) Maynard Bassets (kiss Helga on the hand) blue M&M's (pat Bee on the nose) My favourite colour is blue (fart).
Lady Rowena overlooked the library, Lord Salazar guarded the labs and Lord Godric struck a heroic pose outside the duel arena.
"Just two more...," James yawned. "I'm just going to have a quick lie down."
They all collapsed on the duel walk.