Chapter eight: mistakes were made

A heavy rain was pouring down outside the windows. Sounds drifted up from the street behind the Leaky Cauldron, where Alicia was staying for the night. The clock on the wall said it was past 3 a.m. Alicia was sitting up in bed with her knees drawn close to her chest. She was staring out at the rain with a vacant expression on her face.

As quiet as she appeared on the outside, her head was quite busy and loud. She was replaying the memories of everything that had happened in a short amount of time. First there was the astonishment of the house appearing in front of her eyes. She had thought about the address on the note, and suddenly the houses around number 12 pushed apart to allow a whole new house in the middle. Then there was the grumpy looking wizard with the twisting eye who had asked her who she was. She had shown him the paper that Dumbledore had given her the year before. He had allowed her to pass. It was another shock to see the kind of house they had chosen. It was dark, mouldy and seemed to have belonged to some pure-blooded fanatics. Then the door opened and she was met by a group of thirty faces.

She sighed at the memory. All she had to do was look vaguely in both directions to spot the person she did not want to make eye contact with. He was sitting at the far end which made that easier. She had focused on Dumbledore mostly, but her eyes had wandered. Apart from the few people in the room who knew about her and Remus – Sirius, Charlie and possibly Dumbledore – she was also very awkward whenever Severus Snape looked at her. She recalled the last encounter they had, and hoped furiously that her memory charm had not worn off. She had stormed into his office at the end of her last schoolyear and assaulted him verbally and physically. The latter only after he had attacked her, of course. He had looked only mildly interested in her, so she supposed she was safe.

The matters of the Order weren't a big surprise. They were sending people to shadow known Death Eaters, trying to spread the word and recruit new members and they were on guarding duty. Alicia had almost nudged Charlie to ask what they were guarding when someone mentioned having to stay outside Privet Drive. Harry. That is what they were guarding.

So far she hadn't been asked for specific tasks. Dumbledore mentioned to her and the other new members that they could observe first and see what tasks were best for them later. As Alicia couldn't really fit in the ministry and shadow people she was wondering what she could do. Guarding Harry seemed like the best option, but it would be hard not to talk to him.

When the meeting was over, Arthur Weasley and his wife came over to introduce themselves. 'We heard loads about you!' they had said enthusiastically. Alicia had hoped they were talking about Charlie. Her colleague had shown up at that point and had introduced his brother Bill. She had joked about how she had finally completed the set, having met and spoken to all the Weasleys at that point.

That was of course when the inevitable happened. She hadn't been naïve enough to think she could go to the Order and not talk to Remus.

'I did not come back for you,' she had said. It was a lie, but a convincing one. Remus had looked devastated. Sitting here alone in the dark made her wonder if she really wanted to hurt him that much. Yes, she was still angry. Yes, she needed a real apology from him. But she had also already determined that that was not the reason she came back. There was something she needed, but she didn't know what.

His yelling at her hadn't helped, and before she knew it she had fled again. She sighed deeply and made up her mind. Tomorrow she would go back to the house and figure things out. And she had to try not to start yelling again.

In broad daylight the house didn't look as scary. The house appeared as it had yesterday, when she was thinking hard enough about number 12. She knocked on the door and had to wait a long time. It was Molly who opened the door.

'Hello again dear,' she said. 'Would you like to come in?'

Alicia gaped at her. 'I…I didn't realise you were staying here.' She stepped inside anyway.

'With all this Order business going around it was easier for us to stay in here. And Sirius hasn't done a great job of making this place inhabitable. There are aggressive infestations in all the rooms. Now, please keep your voice down in the hallway. Otherwise the portraits start screaming. Have you had breakfast yet?'

A bit overwhelmed with all this information, Alicia stayed silent and followed her back to the dining room. Alicia took a deep breath and prepared to see Remus again.

What she was not prepared for, was to see way more people in the room than she had expected. It was really stupid of her, but if Molly was here it meant they all were here. Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Fred, George, Ron and Ginny. Only Percy was missing. Also included in present company was Hermione. And of course, standing near the kitchen were Sirius and Remus. Her face turned scarlet.

'Back again?' Charlie asked without much interest. He was doing a card game with Ron and Ginny. Ron blushed as he saw her. 'Hey Nessie! Good to see you again.'

She waved awkwardly. 'I uhh…wanted to…make amends.'

The floor. That was a very safe place to look. Everywhere else was dangerous.

'Breakfast is ready in a minute! Fred, George, please set the table,' Molly said.

The twins stood up and both gave her a meaningful look. Yep. She had forgotten about that. She had forgotten she had kissed both of the twins at the same party. And seeing how they were looking at her, there was a big chance they still didn't know about each other.

As the twins had enchanted the plates to float through the house – they were very proud to be seventeen and capable of using magic outside of school – everyone shuffled around to get seats. In a sign of good faith, she placed herself across from Remus. As everyone was busy talking and getting food on the table, she had a moment.

'Can we talk? After breakfast.'

He raised one eyebrow. 'Are you going to shout at me again?'

She tried not to get irritated. 'That is not the plan. But I won't make promises.'

'I thought you had said everything you wanted to say yesterday,' he said, now not even looking at her anymore.

She shrunk in her seat. 'I said some things I regret,' she said so softly it was nearly a whisper. But his sensitive ears picked it up anyway.

He nodded and then the conversation was over. Sirius sat at the head of the table, with Remus on his left and Alicia on his right. Hermione was placed next to Alicia. The younger witch seemed as uncomfortable as Alicia was feeling. Right….I was stupid enough to tell her the truth. On that unfaithful day when the classes had been over, Alicia had spilled her big secret to Hermione. She remembered her shocked expression very well…

When everyone sat down she realised this extremely awkward situation was entirely her fault.

'So Alicia. Where did you stay for the night?' Bill opened. He didn't seem to notice how badly she wanted to fall through the floor. Now all the eyes were on her again!

'Leaky Cauldron,' she replied quickly.

'Hmm, I suppose a good option. But not really necessary. There are more than enough rooms in this house,' he said as he buttered his toast.

She was about to object, when Sirius cut her off. 'More than enough rooms indeed. Although you could always share.' He looked at her and winked.

She kicked him under the table. 'No thank you. I'll find a place.'

'Staying here might not be a good option,' Charlie piped in. Alicia was about to thank him when he added: 'I still can't believe you brought him.'

He was pointing at the corner of the room, where Charles was curled up. 'Believe me, he is a sight for sore eyes but it is not very practical.'

Now everyone was wondering what the problem was with her dog. 'She can have a dog in here if she wants to,' Molly said, wondering what the problem was.

Charles seemed to notice that the conversation was about him, so he walked over to the table. He sniffed Sirius who growled back at him.

'Down Charles,' Alicia said as she pulled him away.

She could hear a palm slap against a face. Then Fred said: 'You named him Charles?!'

She nodded and couldn't help but smile. 'Outstanding move!' George added.

Charlie groaned. 'Why did you take him with you?'

Charles was trying to get to Sirius again. Now he seemed okay to let him sniff him. 'What is wrong with his eyes?'

'He doesn't smell like a dog,' Remus said unexpectedly. The rest gave him an odd look.

'Well technically…' Alicia started. She looked up at Charlie who was shaking his head. She assumed his mother wouldn't like to have a dragon in her house. '…Charles is a cat. But someone transfigured him in a dog and couldn't turn it back. He seems content now. And you know how attached he is to me. If I left him behind he would be destroying…uhhh…all the furniture.'

Charlie grinned and shook his head. 'Fine. Just take good care of him.'

She shrugged. 'I always do. I'm great with dogs.' She poked Sirius, who couldn't help but giggle.

There was a short interval where the conversation was not about her or her pet. But it was foolish to think that would last long.

'What I don't understand,' Sirius said at a certain point, 'is that you were in a place surrounded by men for a year and all you bring back is a dog. Didn't you have a chance at romance in the last year? Kissed any boys?'

She nearly choked on her eggs. In that moment she also remembered telling Sirius about Fred and George. She really needed to learn how to shut up!

'Please stop,' she growled at Sirius while trying to regain her breath.

Remus looked uncomfortable but decided to stare down at his eggs. Hermione however, became twitchy.

'I bet men in Romania are just ugly and dull, right Nessie?' Fred said with a smirk. 'Like our brother here.'

'Leave me out of it,' Charlie said quickly.

'Leave me out of it too, please,' Alicia pleaded.

'I bet you prefer British men,' Fred continued.

'Maybe even gingers,' George added. They were not looking at each other and she wondered how it was possible that they never had this conversation.

'That's probably just a phase,' Sirius added. 'This wild girl needs something more exciting.'

'Maybe Fata Lup would have suited you better,' Charlie said. Alicia felt betrayed. By all of them. Charlie knew too much, Hermione knew too much, Fred and George knew too little and Sirius…damn that son of a bitch.

'One more word out of either of you about me and this fork is going to hit an eyeball,' she warned Charlie and Sirius.

They were silent for a moment but the giggling went on. Charlie made eye contact with Sirius and said quietly: 'It is fun to know things you can annoy her with, right.'

Sirius shook his head dramatically. 'Charles, you don't know the half of it. Literally. Auch!'

Instead on an eyeball she had stabbed him in the leg under the table. 'Quiet Padfoot. Or I'll release the dog on you.'

'I am not scared of…' Sirius saw Charlie shake his head with a look of terror in his eyes. 'Fine.'

Charles barked and Alicia petted his head. 'You are my only friend here.'

That was the moment Hermione snapped. She pushed her chair back and looked at Alicia. 'None of this is normal! Why is everyone making jokes! You have a pet dog that looks like a wolf! I can't…' she stopped her rant and went upstairs.

Remus looked uncomfortable now. 'Did she…' Alicia looked at him and blushed. She nodded. Remus facepalmed too. Then he wiped his lips with a napkin and stood up. 'Third floor, second door on the left,' he said without looking at anyone. He brought his plate to the kitchen. 'Molly it was lovely, thank you.' Then he went upstairs too.

'What an unusual conversation this morning,' Arthur piped in. He was oblivious to everything that was going on. And she was glad. Surely Arthur and Molly wouldn't like hearing she had kissed two of their sons, and had been in a relationship with a man almost twice her age.

She ate the rest of her food quickly and excused herself. She found her way to the stairs where the house continued growing dark and glum. It didn't really help to improve her mood. She reached the third floor and knocked on the door.

'It's open.'

She pushed the door open. The room was larger than she had imagined. It looked lighter and cleaner than the rest of the house. They had probably started cleaning the rooms they were living in before moving on to the rest. On the left was a fireplace, with on either side ceiling-high bookcases. There was also a desk, already littered with papers. On the right was a double bed with a stylized canopy. She understood why he chose this room.

On the far end were French doors leading to a tiny balcony. Remus was leaning there in the opening. The entire scenery seemed so romanticized to her. The grand room, the sunlight falling on his features…for a moment she forgot they were fighting. She wanted to run up to him and hug him, kiss him…

He looked at her. 'Talking is easier if I don't have to shout,' he said from across the room. Alicia shook her head of her stupid fantasy and walked over to him.

'Remus, will you allow me to explain myself?' she started.

He was staring outside again and shrugged. She took a deep breath. 'I went too far yesterday. I didn't mean to start a fight. I just felt cornered and wanted to say what was on my mind. But I should have done that differently.'

'Did you come back here for me or not?' he asked, still not looking. He was exposing himself. She had shattered him yesterday, and now he was bracing himself for a second, final time.

'I did come back for you,' she whispered. 'It was a cruel thing to say I didn't…and a lie. Of course…,' she needed to compose herself for a moment, 'Of course I am here because of you.'

He smiled, but it was wicked and pained. 'Then what did you want from me? I tried to apologize. You weren't interested in that.'

Without thinking, she touched the scar on her cheek. 'This has fuelled my anger all this time. Every time I started to wonder why I had left you, I looked in the mirror. In my mind it was you saying 'stay away from me'.'

Now he did look at her, and he was mad again. 'Is that what you see? A warning signal? I thought that you had accepted the wolf in me. Or so you let me believe. But in the end, you were just scared. Like everybody else…'

She groaned. 'That is not what I mean! In case you forgot, I didn't get this scar from the wolf! I got it from you! You lashed out at me! You can't blame that on the wolf!'

The heat was rising between them. 'So you see me as an abusive ex-boyfriend? You were shouting things at me that hit me harder than a punch would have! You accused me of being suicidal! Even though you knew I've had my dark periods! Do you have any idea what an impact that had on me? When you left I was considering it again!'

This shocked her deeply. Have I really said that? Was I really that awful? She knew she had been. Fuck. 'I regret saying that. I didn't mean it in that context. It's about the Order and working for the greater good and all that.'

He crossed his arms and twisted his torso away from her. 'That is not how it felt to me.'

For a moment she saw a scenario play out in her head. As she was working in Romania, a letter would arrive from Sirius. The parchment would be blotched with tears. The words were angry and sad as he had to tell her Moony was gone. And that it was her fault.

She stared at the ground, feeling the anger leave her body. She hoped this was helping him too to get rid of those feelings he hadn't shared in over a year.

And still. Still he was happy to see her yesterday. Despite what she had said. Her eyes were watering.

'Did you hate me for leaving?' she asked in the end. Neither of them was looking at the other. It was too much.

There was a long silence, then a stretched sigh. 'I never hated you.' He shifted on his legs. 'Look, maybe we made a mistake. It is hard to lay the blame on you. You are still young-'

'I was,' she said so quickly he had to look up. 'I was too young and inexperienced in life when we were moving in together. I was scared. Scared to grow up, scared of a war, scared I wouldn't be good enough for you. It was too soon. But I've lived life better now. I've seen many forms of danger and excitement and joy and friendship. I am more adult now than I was when I left you. I…don't have any new experience with relationships however. But you have to understand. I am not the same girl anymore. I have developed, changed and grown.'

He chuckled very softly. 'I can believe that.'

They made eye contact, and for once it wasn't awkward or hostile. There was understanding there in his eyes. They were starting to acknowledge their issues and moving past them. Is this what I was looking for? For an end to my anger? Or it is more?

Lost in thought, she was startled to feel his fingertips on her cheek. She flinched and looked at him. He was looking at the scar. His fingers were tracing the line. The soft touch on her skin made her all warm inside. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be caressed. She closed her eyes and breathed unsteadily though her mouth.

'I am really sorry for doing this to you. I've never been so careless before. Can you at least forgive me for giving you that scar?' he asked quietly.

She opened her eyes. 'I can.' A big weight lifted off her shoulders.

He seemed relieved too. 'Good. It's a start. We can work on the rest later.' He started moving around the room, gathering stuff in a shoulder bag. Alicia noticed he was dressed nicely again, just like yesterday. He seemed to put more effort in his appearance.

'Since when do you have a fashion sense by the way?' she joked lightly.

He chuckled. 'Sirius needed new hobbies. It won't be long now before he goes all moody. This house is taking its toll.'

She nodded absently, then noticed he was preparing to leave. 'Where are you going?'

He looked up. 'My job,' he said like it was obvious.

'But…we aren't done talking,' she protested.

'By all means, talk. You have about five minutes before I need to leave. Muggle job means muggle transport. I can't just apparate every day. My new colleagues will notice.'

She placed her hands on her hips. 'Okay wow. We are back to being rude now. Yeah sure, let's handle all of our problems in five minutes because someone needs to catch a bus.'

He sighed. 'Well, I need to keep this job. It's important to me.'

This hit a wrong note with her. 'Sure. I give up my job and family in Romania but your job that won't last long is super important.'

'Can you stop getting angry with me for five damn minutes?' Remus asked while rubbing a temple.

'I'll do you one better. You won't have to listen to my nagging for the rest of the day, or maybe week. Who knows when I come back? It is hard to stand your face,' she continued raging.

'Urggh! Stop running away from every confrontation!'

'You are the one that is running away!'

'You are totally infuriating!'

'So are you!'

There was about three seconds of silence between them. Then Remus took the last step to close the distance between them, grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her so fast and fiercely that she was rendered unable to act. Both their faces were red from the shouting, and they were both panting while the kiss lasted. Alicia's lips felt familiar against his. A wave of nostalgia hit her. For a moment she could close her eyes and imagine being back at Hogwarts. Before they had fallen apart…

He let go of her. They were both looking speechless and perplexed. Then he turned around and left.

What now?