Chapter 7

"Unbelievable," he mumbled under his breath as he tossed his school bag onto his bed after checking the insides of it for what might as well have been a dozenth time. "This is unbelievable. Mashima Taichi, you fool, you idiot, you absolute moron. How could you have let that happen?"

His words resonated in his room, clean and empty as it always was, with the exception of the few notebooks that now lay spread over his bed after he'd taken them out in his search. Annoyed with himself, Taichi stomped towards his desk, though for what reason, he couldn't really tell.

Perhaps he felt it would be less lazy to sink on a chair than it was to throw himself on the bed helplessly, like he so wished to.

That, or the floor.

There really wasn't much difference in his eyes.

"All of my plans for the evening got thrown off because I forgot to borrow a book from the library," he groaned wearily, his head tilting back as he took his seat and sighed deeply. "An entire studying schedule demolished because I lost my focus. And why? Because I bumped into a girl and talked to her! Good Lord, what am I? Seven?"

Voicing his thoughts did no good to his spirits. Another angry groan left his throat as he watched the ceiling, his gaze fixed on it with the intensity entirely unsuitable for the situation, as if he'd been trying to remember the positions of every single stroke of brush that could be discerned, in the same way he memorised the positions of the cards. Of course, the unintended (yet so very natural) connotation made the matters even worse – and so as soon as Taichi realised it, he had no choice but to stop what had prompted it.

It was a miracle that he didn't get a bump from how hard his forehead hit the table.

Man, was he glad that his parents were out of the house this time.

"It would have been bad enough if it had been about a girl I actually like," he moaned, his disgust with himself only growing with each breath that he took. "Though then again, that girl has been pretty much avoiding me. And I've been avoiding her. Gosh, what a mess this has become."

Almost on their own volition, his arms moved to cover his head, his fingers digging into his hair violently. This was so stupid, all of it – the pit he had thrown himself in the moment he'd first thought that he might have a chance with Chihaya, instead of giving up as soon as Arata had appeared; the rashness he'd shown, acting on his wounded pride and shutting her out because it had been too difficult to talk to her now.

All that had happened in between, as he'd dug the pit deeper and deeper with every moment of naivety, when he'd chosen to believe that not all hope was lost and that, if nothing else, then time at least would be his ally. That even if his personality wasn't entirely adequate, then maybe his patience and hard work would be enough to even the score.

All the chances he'd missed, all the chances he'd imagined.

All those months and years of decisions that couldn't have been deemed right by anyone but the desperate blockhead he himself had been.

The desperate blockhead that he still was.

His fists clenched.

Wasn't it supposed to get better after he and Chihaya had talked? And why was he even thinking of Chihaya in the first place?

Stupid really isn't strong enough a word for me, he thought resignedly, holding back yet another groan that was threatening to leave his throat and went for a soft, lingering sigh instead. And to think I believed that chapter was closed.

It looked like naive was not telling enough, either.

Well, it wasn't as if he truly had thought that his problem was solved. He knew that it couldn't be, not entirely, for as long as his affection for Chihaya still burned in his heart. After all, the only other way would be if she responded in kind – but at least in that regard, Taichi was well aware of the infeasibility of it happening.

He had to move on, to get over his feelings for her and to do it for good. To work through the pain and disappointment, to fight the resentment he never wished to experience but that still found its way to his heart and mind occasionally, of which this situation was a perfect example. He had to take that road, cross that threshold and step on the path towards healing and emotional independence that he so needed now.

To try and find his own worth outside of his relationship with her, for only then would he be allowed to become her friend once more. When he was finally free of the risk of falling for her all over again, when there was no chance of hurting her, or himself, in the process.

Perhaps he might even be able to rebuild his bond with Arata then.

Then. And not a day sooner.

He knew that. He understood that. He felt that the choice he had made, the plan he had come up with was a good one, if only he could find the strength necessary to see it through to the end, and therefore, it was one he should not hesitate to act on.

Then why...

"Then why is it so hard to stay away from her?"

Even if someone had been in the room with him, they would not have been able to make out the words he'd spoken, so quiet and muffled they were. And yet, they still appeared to ring in his soul with an intensity and loudness of an air crash, all the more so for the pounding of his heart and the blood that suddenly seemed to be boiling.

It hurt.

It hurt so awfully much.

And he still couldn't find the strength to deal with it properly, no matter how many rational arguments he summoned in the hopes of gaining it.

A small, mirthless laugh escaped his lips as he remembered that it was only a few moments earlier that he was berating himself for losing his head over a meeting with a girl, almost blaming the encounter for his forgetting his library plans.

Idiot.

He'd lost his head a long time ago, and Hanano Sumire had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Taichi still couldn't tell for sure why it was today that his mind decided to take down its defences and allow the thoughts of Chihaya to enter it so freely, much against Taichi's own will, but certainly thanks to his own inattentiveness. Was it because he'd caught a sight of her during the lunch break? He'd seen her often enough before that, and often for much longer than today; there was no reason why it should suddenly bother him now.

Was it the way she reacted to Komano approaching her, then, with enthusiasm and joy and not the reserve she showed whenever he, Taichi, as much as met her gaze? It only made sense that she did! She had a good, easy relationship with Komano. He was her friend and her fellow club member, and one who definitely didn't have the slightest romantic interest in her – so why should she act any differently around him, even if another of her friendships had come to an end?

Why, did he expect her to distance herself from everyone only because she had distanced himself from him?

Now that would have been a pitiful move.

Besides, could he really have said that Chihaya had distanced herself from him? Was she really avoiding him, or pushing him away, like his angry whining might suggest, and not just trying not to get into his way needlessly? She was giving him space, not because she didn't wish to be with him, but because she thought that was what he needed. That this was what he wished for, what he expected of her.

At least, that was what he ardently hoped for.

And assuming that this really was what she believed, she wasn't entirely wrong, either. After all, it was exactly what Taichi's own strategy was all about: to separate himself from her until he was ready to face her without consequence. To concentrate on his own goals, instead of pursuing those chosen by her.

Not being a coward wasn't enough. He needed to become his own person as well, with motivations that went further than attuning to his parents' or Chihaya's, or anyone else's vision of him. And he wanted that, too! He wanted to play karuta because it excited him, and not as a way of proving himself worthy of Chihaya's heart. He wanted to think of the medical school as a way to pursue his own dream – to think of the career of the physician as more than just a respectable, well-paid job, but as one that might allow him to help those in need.

He wanted to embrace his parents' dream and make it his own. He wished to take the enthusiasm for karuta that his friends and teachers had planted in him and cultivate in the way and to the purpose that was solely and entirely his.

He was tired of pretending and just wanted to stop.

Perhaps his confession to Chihaya was the first time he had actually allowed himself to.

One thought led to another and before he knew it, the gloominess in his soul became overtaken by determination and faith. Unaware of what he was doing, with every desire he expressed, he fed his subconscious resolve, to the point where it was no longer unrealised, coming closer and closer to the moment when he could successfully fight for it. With this kind of base prepared, the more reasonable part of his brain was able to kick in as well; the ideas and projects for himself becoming less and less the vague dreams that they seemed at first and more the tangible targets he should be aiming for.

It wasn't the end; it wasn't a final solution, a definite finale to his struggle. The road before him was long and steep, and no doubt full of obstacles and pits he was still bound to fall into.

But he could worry about that later.

For now, he needed to focus on what he could do. To work hard in the fields he'd chosen for himself instead of wasting his energy trying to chase away the emotions he could not control anyway.

To accept the hot mess that he was and build up the patience necessary to wait it out, while at the same time making sure that he would not be waiting passively.

He felt adrenaline rush through his body again, a feeling as unexpected as it was welcome. He straightened up and inhaled deeply; he looked around the room, thinking intensely of what else he could busy himself with. As usual, the set of karuta cards came into his view first, though as usual, it was disregarded quickly. Not because he couldn't stand the look of it – that period was indeed behind him now, thanks to both Master Suo's help and (though of that part Taichi was not fully aware) the conversation he and Chihaya had had the other week – but because it simply didn't make sense according to the schedule he'd already made.

Thursdays simply weren't practice days this year.

Fearing that the newfound dedication might leave him, he rose up from his chair and walked over to the bookshelf on which all of his materials for the cram school were, only to remember that there wasn't much to do for it beyond the homework he'd already done. Not at all discouraged, he turned around and shifted his gaze to his bed and the textbooks that still covered it.

The thick classical literature one lay prominently on top.

Still resolute to make the most of his studies, Taichi did a quick calculation, trying to figure out how great were the chances of a test happening in the near future. It was a tricky question, for sure – everyone knew how irregular Fukasaku-sensei's testing schedule was and how much it depended on his personal whims – but even so, it wasn't unreasonable to expect one to happen soon.

And even if not, the midterms were certainly close enough to justify his choice for tonight.

And so he picked up the book and sat down by his desk, determined not to waste another minute on idle thinking that would only sour his mood further. He had made progress, regardless of what his treacherous brain might have been telling him just now. He had come up with a plan, and with a good one too, if only he could remain strong enough to go through with it without questioning his own decisions every other moment. It didn't matter that it was hard, and that he still would fail and waver at times, as long as he could keep the final goal before his eyes and find the motivation to work to achieve it.

He would make it happen, however long it was going to take.