On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A gift exchange.
Donna's evening is an absolute mess. She goes from feeling confused to angry and upset and back to confused, all while aimlessly wandering around her apartment. She begins by pacing the hall. Three steps towards the door, what the hell did that kiss even mean, three steps back, he acted out of impulse, it didn't mean he wanted more.
But things were changing between them.
And Harvey kissing her made it impossible to ignore the recent changes.
He'd been so attentive lately, listening to her when she told stories, suggesting they spend time together outside the office. She knows she could be reading into it, but what if by doing all of these little things he was trying to tell her he was finally ready for something more.
What if.
That was the golden question.
What if he wanted more? What if he didn't? What if they tried to be more than friends and it ruined everything? What if they didn't try and regretted it for the rest of their lives?
It was all too much. She tried to process everything that had happened over the past few months; lingering glances, late nights, the feel of her lips on his, her body trapped between his and the elevator wall.
She paces around the kitchen, pours herself a glass of wine and continues to roam. She sits on the couch only to stand moments later and pace the length of it. She replays the kiss. She closes her eyes and sees his face moments after they left the elevator.
She pauses, processes and cries.
Climbing into the shower, Donna tries to clear her mind, but it only becomes cloudier. Being in love with Harvey was simpler when he kept her at arm's length. She didn't know what to make of what they'd become, and she was afraid of making a mess of a situation that was already chaotically messy.
She considers texting him, even picks up her phone and selects his contact name, but what would she say? She couldn't tell him how she felt about the situation without telling him how she felt, and she couldn't risk telling him how she felt in case he didn't feel the same way. It would only make things between them at the office awkward and she couldn't lose both her friend and her job.
Donna ends up falling asleep on the couch, where her restless sleep is fuelled by nightmares about what could be, and what may never be. When she wakes, she decides that Harvey has to be the one to make the next move. He was the one who initiated the non-mistletoe related kiss, therefore he should be the one that addresses what happened. Besides, she was certain he knew how she felt and never said anything because he didn't want more. She wasn't about to be the one to ruin their decade long relationship to selfishly pursue her feelings.
Once again, she was putting Harvey's needs before her own, but she's content in her decision. She concludes that the ball was most definitely in his court, and what he did next would dictate the future of their romantic relationship.
After putting away the blankets and tidying the cushions in the couch, Donna showers, applies her makeup and looks for a dress to wear. She cries while browsing through her closet, a mixture of frustration and uncertainty overcoming her. She dries her tears on the back of her palm, reapplies her makeup and continues to get ready for work.
.
.
That morning, Harvey gets to the office before anyone else and immediately throws himself into his work. After Ray dropped him off at home, he spent his evening overthinking his and Donna's relationship. He kissed her because he wanted to. It was plain and simple. What wasn't so plain and simple was the aftermath of the kiss. He was flooded with emotion on the ride home; guilt, desire and questions pulsed through him at a rapid pace.
What he did was impulsive and dare he say, reckless, and he was afraid that it may have ruined everything he and Donna (don't) have. An evening of scotch, alone with his thoughts by the fire provided him with the knowledge that he didn't regret kissing her. What he regretted was fleeing at the first opportunity he got. He should have addressed what happened then and there because now, the magnitude of his actions seemed too vast.
The good news, he decided, was that she definitely kissed him back. In the moment, he didn't have time to panic that she may not reciprocate his kiss, but after replaying the moment over and over in his mind, he's certain she kissed him back. The bad news was that he feared he'd overstepped.
He knew Donna had clear rules about getting involved with co-workers, and for years he respected her boundaries. What if he'd gone too far?
He knows they've been spending more time together, especially outside the office and he wasn't blind to the fact that things were changing between them, but, was he ready for something more? He's always known he was attracted to Donna, but Harvey never really viewed himself as a relationship kind of man, and Donna Paulsen was most certainly the kind of woman to have relationships.
Sitting alone in front of his fireplace, he begins to wonder if he'd ever be good enough for Donna. It was a topic he rarely let himself think about, because each time he did, he arrived at the same conclusion. He wasn't. If they were to try and be something, he would inevitably screw it up, just like he screwed up any relationship he'd ever had.
Answering emails and sipping on his morning coffee, he regrets his lack of sleep from the previous night, and wonders if he should go through with his plan to ignore what happened between him and Donna. His conclusion, after much deliberation, had been that Donna wasn't interested in him and he shouldn't selfishly risk their relationship by suggesting that maybe there was something beyond friendship developing between them.
As badly as he wanted to mention the kiss, he still isn't sure he's ready to be the type of man worthy of her, and he decides he shouldn't waste her time with the unknown.
Donna comes into the office a half hour later and he notices she avoids looking into his office. He makes the first move and strolls out towards hers, leaning on it with a timid smile.
"Morning," he says, startling her.
"Hey," she replies, eyes still glued to her computer screen.
"Did you happen to have a chance to get those documents signed by Louis yesterday?" he asks. "I was hoping to have that deal completed this afternoon."
Donna stares up at him, mouth hanging open and blinks. It takes her a moment to process what he's said, but once she does she closes her jaw, presses her lips into a thin line and nods. "I put them on the top corner of your desk."
"Thanks," he claps. He whirls around and returns to his office, leaving Donna to stare after him.
Apparently, they weren't going to talk about it; and that was all she needed to know.
.
.
Mid-way through the work day, Donna uses delivering Mike's secret Santa gift as an excuse to slip out and avoid interacting with Harvey. He'd been working away in his office all morning, but she knew he had a slew of meetings coming up and she didn't want to be sitting front and center when he finally left his office.
She finds Mike in his office (the one she was responsible for obtaining for him), nose buried in a case file.
"Merry Christmas," she grins as she enters, "from your Secret Santa."
She places a massive gift bag down on his desk and waits for him to open it.
"I don't think you're supposed to tell me and ruin the secret." Mike gets up and excitedly begins to tear through the tissue paper.
He pulls out a black leather briefcase with a sharp M.R. printed on the top and gasps. "Donna, I love it."
"I figured if you're going to be a real lawyer, you need a real briefcase. Just promise me you won't fill it with weed."
"That was one time," he whines. "Seriously Donna, this is incredible, thank you." He rounds his desk and tosses his arms around her.
"I'm glad you like it," she beams.
"Did you already give your Secret Santa gift?"
"I was planning on doing it this afternoon," he tells her.
"What did you get Rachel?"
"You know I can't tell you."
"You haven't got it yet?" she smirks, she already knows the answer.
"No, but I have the perfect idea!"
"She was eyeing a pair of brown leather boots," Donna tells him, "in case your idea doesn't pan out."
She smiles and moves to the door, "size 8."
"Thanks Donna."
.
.
Harvey strolls across the 50th floor towards Jessica's office, gift box in hand. He knocks on her glass door and steps into her office with a smile, holding up the wrapped gift, "Merry Christmas."
He places the box down on her desk and steps back to watch her open it with a childish excitement.
"You didn't have to," she shrugs, though she's already begun to unwrap the bow sitting on the top of the package.
"Of course I did, you know you're like family."
Jessica opens the gift and removes two crystal glasses etched with her initials. She places them down on her desk and grins up at Harvey. "Thank you, they're lovely."
"I thought you'd get some use out of them," he says.
"With you and Louis around, always," she smirks.
"Anyways, I don't want to keep you. Just wanted to make sure you got those."
Harvey turns and begins to exit her office when the sound of her voice causes him to turn.
"Harvey," she calls after him, "Thank Donna for me. They're perfect."
"How do you know I wasn't the one who picked them out?"
"Please. We both know you'd be lost without her."
Harvey smiles, promises he'll tell Donna and leaves her office. Instead of heading back to his own, he takes the elevator down to the lobby and steps out into the crisp winter air to clear his mind. He welcomes the cold air that stings his nose and draws out a deep breath with his hands on his knees.
He would be lost without her.
Absolutely, utterly lost.
She's been his unconscious guide for as long as he'd known her, and the thought of losing her, of not being able to count on her to be in his life, sends a chill rippling through his body. It's in this moment, while he struggles to catch the breath the wind knocked out of him, that he decides he can't do anything to risk losing her. She meant too much to him and he was an idiot for kissing her and thinking they could ever be something when he would never be enough. It may be selfish to want to preserve what they have, he thinks, but wouldn't it be far more selfish to start something he couldn't see through?
He takes a walk around the block to clear his mind and returns to the office nearly an hour later, frozen. Donna isn't at her desk when he returns, and he thanks his lucky stars he doesn't have to explain why he's been strolling the streets in below freezing temperatures.
She was the reason. She was always the goddamn reason. For his laughter, his success, his tears. It was a lot to process. She's become so entangled in his life, he wondered what he'd have become without her at his side all these years. Would he be the same type of lawyer? The same type of man? Or had she shaped so much of him that he wouldn't recognize himself?
He slumps down at his desk, still wearing his cap and jacket, and returns to work even though his mind is racing, wondering how he got himself into such a tangled web of emotion. He wanted her, he couldn't lose her.
He needed her, but what if she didn't need him?
.
.
That evening, Donna and Rachel order a pizza and settle down to watch the eighth and ninth episodes of The Twelve Days Of Christmas. Rachel pulled out an old bottle of wine she'd been saving for a special occasion and the two women sat and enjoyed every minute of the mistletoe kiss in episode 8.
Donna excuses herself to the restroom after the episode ends with a steamy mistletoe kiss, and splashes her face with cold water.
Rachel had gone on about how romantic mistletoe kisses were, and she just didn't have it in her to confess that she'd had one of her own less than 24 hours ago. Let alone the fact that she shared it with Harvey.
He made it perfectly clear that he regretted the kiss, opting not to mention it, so she also decided she should put it out of her mind. But watching the episode brought it all back, his hands, the way he pressed his body against hers, the way he tasted; and she needed a moment to pull herself back together.
Steadying herself with hands on the sink, she looks at her reflection, takes a breath and tells herself the kiss was no big deal. It was a stupid holiday tradition and they got carried away. A natural physical reaction. It could have happened to anyone.
Donna rejoins Rachel with a clear mind and they begin today's episode.
.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Chapter 9: A gift exchange
"What about this one?" Mr. Shawn holds up a deep red sweater.
"Noooo!" both his girls sing together from their place in the shopping cart.
"What's wrong with this?"
"It's not pretty daddy," Rebecca tells him. "It needs sparkles."
"Sparkles?!" he exclaims. "I don't know about sparkles girls. I want it to be perfect."
"What about a pretty necklace?"
"Hmmm, you might be onto something," Mr. Shawn smiles down at his daughter.
He'd been searching for the perfect gift for Michelle for a few weeks and had finally given in and decided to call in the reinforcements; his daughters. Both of his girls adored Michelle, so he figured asking them to help pick out a gift couldn't hurt. Only, they'd been wandering the aisles of the department store for hours and he still didn't have a gift for Michelle.
Shoes seemed impersonal, none of the clothes screamed "her" and nothing in the store seemed good enough. He wanted to give her a gift that showed her he knew her, that he cared. But it couldn't be something that overstepped or confused her about the status of their relationship.
He himself wasn't even sure what they were anymore. They were more than friends but they weren't. He wanted her as more than a friend, but he wasn't ready, despite his best efforts to be. His sister, who had visited in the summer and decided he had feelings for Michelle, even went as far as to call him emotionally fucked. Maybe she had a point, he wanted to be with Michelle, but there was something in him that was preventing him from letting it happen.
They had a connection, both physically and emotionally, and that was something he'd only ever felt with his wife. He knows his wife would have loved Michelle and would want him to be happy. The girls absolutely adored Michelle, there was nothing preventing them from being together, aside from him.
He and the girls end up in the jewellery department when it suddenly dawns on him that he'd never put so much energy into picking a gift for anyone. Michelle had a hold on his heart and he'd been too stubborn to admit that he had a hold on hers too.
"Hey girls," he whispers, leaning over so the girls know what he's about to tell them is a secret. "What about we get..."
.
.
Midway through the episode Mike and Harvey stumble into the apartment and make an excessive amount of noise while taking off their jackets. Rachel pauses the episode and turns to stare at the front door where the men are obliviously chatting.
Engrossed in their conversation, Mike and Harvey stroll into the room and don't notice Donna and Rachel.
"Hey," Rachel calls out.
Donna turns from where she curled up on the couch and accidentally locks eyes with Harvey, who immediately turns away.
"Oh no are you two still watching?" Mike groans. He wanders into the kitchen and returns with two beers, one for him and one for Harvey.
"We have two episodes to watch," Rachel tells him. "We still have half of this one left, you can join us?"
"Harvey?" Mike asks. Harvey only shrugs, indifferent.
"Okay but no talking!" Rachel warns before she hits play. She notices Donna stealing a glance of Harvey, and Harvey returns the favour when neither think anyone is looking. Rachel finds it a bit odd that the two of them have hardly said two words to each other, usually Harvey would jump at the chance to tease Donna for watching and Donna would be quick to insult Harvey about his lack of taste. Today, they could hardly look at one another, and it was unsettling.
Mike and Harvey claim seats at the table behind the couch, slightly removed from the living room but still in view of the television. Both of them sip on their beers in silence as they watch the episode and try to figure out what was happening.
Harvey, who'd seen an episode with Donna, could vaguely follow, and found himself intrigued by the bosses attempt to find the girl a perfect Christmas gift. He'd been struggling to find a good gift for Donna for weeks and thought maybe this would give him some ideas. Even if he didn't know where they stood anymore, he knew he wanted to give her something special.
He finds himself rooting for the main character, and when the episode credits begin to roll, he's wishing the show was longer, a thought that surprises him. He never found shows like this entertaining, but something about the characters was familiar and he found himself drawn in and wanting to know what happens next.
Once the episode ends, Donna helps Rachel tidy up before promptly excusing herself and heading home. She says goodnight to both Mike and Harvey, heads down to hail a cab and is tucked beneath her covers within twenty minutes.
After she leaves, Rachel asks Harvey if everything between him and Donna is alright. He mumbles, finishes the rest of his beer and mutters a pathetic excuse about having to head home. Concerned, Rachel asks if he's sure everything is alright and he responds with a soft, "it will be fine."
It had to be. It always was.
He thanks Mike for joining him for drinks and heads back to his apartment.
Harvey pours himself a drink and settles down in front of the television all the while thinking about how awkward things had been with Donna at Mike and Rachels. She's successfully avoided him all day at the office and he knew she didn't expect to run into him after work. He wasn't sure why she was so upset with him, she was the one who always insisted they separate personal and professional, and that's exactly what he was doing by not mentioning what happened.
He absentmindedly flips the television on and begins scrolling through the channels, but finds himself wondering what Mr. Shawn would do if he were in his situation. He didn't want Donna to hate him, but he didn't want to bring up what happened and create even more of a mess than he already had.
Impulsively, he decides to begin the first season of the stupid Christmas show, hoping that maybe he'll find a solution to all his problems in the writing of the show.