Song Seven: Silhouettes
Struggling was a constant thing for Taejoon. He wouldn't say that he enjoyed it, but sometimes he thought maybe the more masochistic side of him was happy about how he decided to mentally hurt himself.
But he had a hard time voicing things that he wanted. He had been raised not to. Wanting things made him selfish. That kind of selfishness hurts others. Hell, his own existence had cost a life. His very first act was stealing from another, dragging them down, so far they couldn't get back up.
In that way, he was kinda like a murderer.
Should a murderer be able to ask for anything? He barely deserved to be alive and yet he wanted more?
But then there was Alexander. The older man catered to his every whim, hurting him when he needed it, forcing him to do things that any human should do just to be okay.
Alex had been alone for the entire time Taejoon lived across the street. It was so easy to forget that he was once a married man. That he buried his wife long before what should have been her time. He buried his best friend too, the only piece of their bond he could keep was a tiny two year old Natalie, who he raised as his own. And the older man had been honest, he had told Natalie what happened. He told her about her real father, and kept his memory alive, he kept that man in her life, because he was a good person.
So how did Tae manage to drag him down? Would he snuff out the light that was Alexander Nox, leaving Natalie all alone?
At first his fear had been hurting Natalie. She was brighter than the sun, it was just nobody saw it until the start of their senior year. Being near him, he was afraid, would dim her light. He was so afraid he would destroy her because that's what he did. He destroyed things.
But she escaped. She had made it out of his self-destructive blast radius. She was okay. For now at least.
But now he had to worry for Alexander. The older man gave him everything. He gave him hope for a better future, a reason to live other than spite for his father, just anything he needed. And once finding out about what he did things changed. Alexander had always been so soft with him, even when he was dominating and showing him the true meaning of pain. But it was a different kind of softness after the events of the Halloween party.
Alexander had always given him more than he deserved, but the small shoulder pats, the longer hugs, the soft kisses to his temple. He wasn't worthy of all of that. All he did was hurt people. So why? Why was Alexander so good to him?
Even as October slowly slipped away like the golden sand slipping through the hourglass, he felt as though the older man was giving him too much. There was no way he would ever be able to repay the kindness that Mr. Nox had shown him.
All of him knew that he shouldn't be doing this. But, this was his ultimate self destructive act. Once he left for college, once he ran away, Alexander wouldn't miss him. He only advanced their… what they had because he felt pity for him. That had to be it.
And Natalie was fine now. She was okay. She had Renee. And recently she stopped sitting with Tae at lunch. He had seen it coming. She had been kinda upset with him for ditching her at the party. And Tae, being the genius he was, said that he had something to drink and didn't remember much. Needless to say she hadn't bought that excuse very well. She kinda just huffed off after that.
The weeks moved slowly without her. He didn't have an escape from his world without her. Sure he could have gone over their house at any time and given her a real apology. But he didn't want to tell her why he left. There were things he didn't like to talk about, even with her.
And he didn't blame her for being mad. How could he? What would he even say in his defence? 'Oh, sorry I ditched you at that party Nat. Turns out your friends know one of my oldest flings so in order to feel like I had some sort of control over my life I went back to your house, had your dad fuck me, then I snuck out his bedroom window first thing in the morning so you wouldn't ask questions because we've been secretly fucking since early September.' Yup, that would blow over really well.
But that left him with his internal struggle.
He wanted nothing more than to apologize to her. It wasn't like he could justify leaving her, but she had Renee and everything turned out okay.
But she needed better than him. Which was why he didn't apologize. He didn't rush to her side. Instead he watched as she grabbed Renee's arm and walked home with her.
He knew this would happen eventually. He thought he had prepared himself, steeled his nerves. But apparently his heart and brain were on two completely different pages.
"Natalie." Alexander called his daughter.
He toed off his shoes at the front door because God, he hated cleaning more than he hated cooking. And a certain someone hadn't been, even in secret which was becoming more normal, in the last week. Alex couldn't even remember the last time the boy was here just to hang out with Nat or goof off and make them dinner. Lately he visited to do an hours worth of cleaning while Alexander chatted about random mundane shit.
"In the kitchen papa."
It didn't take him long to get to the kitchen. The hallway from the front door that opened to the living room and kitchen was short.
A sigh fell from his lips when he realized Taejoon wasn't with her at the table. It was already thursday. Fridays used to be the days he would spend as long as he liked over.
"What's wrong papa?" Nat asked, turning and throwing an arm over the back of the chair so she could meet his eyes.
He didn't want to say what he really felt. That he missed the way that Tae would run up and hug him whenever Natalie left the room. So instead he did what he did best, as a dad, and deflected the question. "Did something happen between you and Taejoon?"
The smile that was always present on her bubbly face faltered. "No. Well, maybe. Hes being stupid."
"Is he? What did he do?"
"Well." She paused thinking. "It started at Ajay and Octavio's party. He was kinda weird the whole time he was there, which wasn't long by the way, and he left without even telling me. I brought him to make friends, not so he could run away to god knows where."
"He came here." Alexander said softly.
"What?" Natalie looked more upset than he thought she would, learning that her friend was at the very least safe. "I didn't even know he was here."
"He was in the guest room." Alexander lied easily. "Why would you take him to a party anyways?"
"T-to make friends. I thought I was helping."
"Sweetie." He tried to calm her. "We've talked about things like this. Tae thinks differently than you do. He gets anxious around people he doesn't know because of how he was probably raised. And when he gets like that you know the voices in his head speak louder and more clearly than you do."
That wasn't exactly what it was. That was a part of it. They both knew about it when he told them that sometimes it was just easier to listen to his head than the people he wasn't sure he could trust. Alexander knew that it was something Natalie's friends had said. Something small that triggered his fight or flight response, but that was all he had gotten out of the teen.
"But, papa, i feel so bad leaving him alone all the time. I thought maybe I could show him how amazing my new friends were and he could find other people to trust too. So that way he's not alone anymore."
"So that was the beginning. What next?"
"Well, when I did try to get it out of him, you know where he went that night and if he was okay, and talk to him he wouldn't. But you don't understand. I was worried and angry at the time. He didn't even apologize. And now he just sits there indifferently. He doesn't come up and even try to talk."
"That's not the kind of person he is." Alex said softly. He didn't want to make Natalie more upset. "So, you wanted to help him make more friends so he wouldn't feel so lonely because you are dating this Renee person, who I still haven't met, but you get upset about the way he is. The way you know him to be, you know how he talks about himself. Then you leave him alone anyway? That doesn't make much sense."
"I was mad papa! But now I'm just sad he won't talk to me."
"Oh Nat. He's not going to approach you. With all that he's told us. With everything he says about himself and all the things we yell at him for, do you really think he will come to you? He probably thinks you've thrown him away. That you don't care anymore. And I'm willing to bet that he is blaming himself."
"But I…" Her lower lip wobbled.
"Come here." Alexander opened his arms for the hug he knew his daughter needed. She basically vaulted out of the chair, almost knocking him down with her force. "I know sweetie. But you have to make the first move. I know it's hard."
"What if I waited too long? What if he doesn't want to be friends anymore? What if I ruined everything?" Her voice broke.
"You know he'll forgive you. He's probably not even mad."
Alex knew the boy better. He wasn't mad. There was no way he would be. He probably blamed himself for everything happening, not to mention the added guilt of being here, in Alex's arms, while his friend was worried and mad at him.
"But sweetheart, it's been a few weeks. I need you to do something soon because I'm worried about him. It's different for him to be left to his own devices at school. But Fridays used to be his escape. We've left him with that piece of trash he calls a dad."
"Okay papa."
One day quickly became a week once again.
Taejoon didn't go to school Friday. He didn't even leave his bed until well after noon. Mental health day was what Natalie called them. Sometimes you just had to take a day off from everything.
Unfortunately that was the same day his father, Jae-chul, had off. He worked a normal job as an editor for some magazine company that Taejoon never bothered to learn the name of. And every once in a while, his father would have an extra day off, which would have been nice, if they were a normal family and got along.
"What are you still doing here?" Jae-chul grunted at him when he finally dared to leave his room.
"It's after three, abeoji. School's already out." He said calmly.
"You think I'm dumb? I didn't hear you leave today and you came from your room. In less you snuck out your window again, which I thought we fixed last time, you didn't go anywhere today."
"Of course you're not dumb. I was just saying that it's after three and school's already out for the day."
"But you didn't go, did you?" His father bellowed at him.
Tae sucked in a breath. He knew lying would just hurt him in the long run. Besides such an obvious lie would just make his father even more angry.
"No."
"Why the fuck am I playing for you to graduate if you won't even attend your fucking classes? This is why you won't amount to anything. This is why you're worthless. Do you even think before you do something?"
"No." Taejoon answered with gritted teeth.
It was hard for him not to clench his fist at his father's words. He was, once again, tired of his shit. This had happened once before. Tae had grown weary of all the words that were thrown at him. They were meant to provoke him, the him that was nineteen knew that. His fifteen year old self hadn't been as wise.
"Speak up pabo. I didn't hear you." Jae-chul yelled at him, getting ready to stand. His meaty fists were already clenched.
He's looking for a fight.
"No, abeoji, I don't think before I act. I never have." Taejoon spoke calmly and slowly. "I thought I could fool you and skip out on school even though you so graciously are paying for my education still."
"Don't bullshit me boy. I know you're saying what you think I want to hear."
"I'm not lying to you." Taejoon's voice cracked.
"I know what you think." Jae-chul stood slowly. Was he drunk already? "You think I'll never be as good as that Mr. Nox you love so much. You think I don't know, but I do. I raised you, faggot. I know how you act."
Taejoon stilled. How? "Abeoji!"
"I know you. I know everything about you. You think I wouldn't know? You think I'm blind? You go over after Natalie leaves with the person on that motorcycle. What are you two doing over there behind her back? I'm sure she would love to know."
"We aren't doing anything. I help them clean since Mrs. Nox died. That's all!"
"Don't lie to me!" Jae-chul roared, staggering closer.
Taejoon knew what was coming but he still couldn't move. He couldn't even think because fear paralyzed him. What was he supposed to do? His father had no proof of anything. It was just the ramblings of a man who was already far too drunk so early in the afternoon.
But he still stood frozen as the fist connected with his face.
"You think I'll never be as good a dad as he is to Natalie. I've tried!"
"I know." Taejoon whispered. His face stung, but he wouldn't throw a punch at his father. Not again. Never again. "Raising me couldn't have been easy. And raising me alone must have been even worse."
"It's not." Jae-chul gripped his arms tightly making Tae wince. "You make me so angry."
"I know."
"You make me want to hurt you. I want to punch you. You look like your mother. Why did you have to steal her away?"
Taejoon smiled softly. "You can punch me until you feel better. I never meant to steal eomma away."
Jae-chul loosened his bruising grip. He lifted his hand to Taejoon's black hair, watching his son flinch away from his touch.
"Go."
"What?" Tae blinked at him.
"Go now or I'll hurt you again."
"But…"
In his father's defense, or so he justified it in his mind, he had warned him before he threw the next punch that connected with his nose.
"Go. Don't come home tonight. Leave now or maybe this time I'll kill you."
.
Natalie's face paled as she looked at him. She could only assume from how drenched he was that he had been standing, or pacing knowing him, back and forth trying to decide if he should knock on their door or not. But the water that seeped into his light jacket- and where was his backpack- wasn't what worried her most. The black and blue bruised all over his face and what was visible of his arms worried her. He looked as if he had been repeatedly punched in his left eye. His nose didn't look much better, and his lip looked split, but if there were any blood it would have been washed away by the downpour.
"H-hey." Taejoon shied away, his fist handing an arms light away from where the door should have been.
That, at the very least, filled her with hope. He was going to knock. He was going to push past that barrier he put up, that fear of being a burden, and he was going to reach out to them.
He wouldn't have had to reach out looking like this if you had been there.
Nat shook the thought from her mind. No, she couldn't think like that. Even if it was true. And sure this looked bad, it was horrible in fact, but there was some positivity to glean from this. Taejoon took the first step.
"What are you…" She stopped herself. She was afraid if she worded it wrong he would leave. He didn't really have anywhere else to go other than home. And she couldn't let him walk back into that house knowing that was where all this had happened. "Are you?"
"I-uh, may I come in?" He asked in a small voice. She didn't like the way he closed in on himself. He pulled his jacket tighter around him, shivering from the coldness in the air.
"Yes!" She nearly shouted at him.
Calm. Natalie had to remind herself. He was like a finicky, abused cat. Any sudden movements or loud noises might scare him away. But she, herself was a loud bubbly person. Calm wasn't something she did well.
"I'm sorry to intrude." He dipped him head down so their eyes wouldn't.
She wanted to scream that he could never intrude, why would he ever think such a silly thing. But she couldn't. She was the reason he hesitated to come over. She may not have punched him but she was just as guilty as his father.
Because he had finally started to trust them enough to just come without permission when it was bad. But now that was gone. He was back to the scared seventeen year old she had to drag over for his birthday.
She stepped out of his way, wanting to reach out to him. But she didn't because she didn't want to hurt him more. All she would do was watch as he shrunk away from her once entering the house.
"Stay here. I'll get a towel." Natalie knew her voice sounded thick. It was all she could do not to cry. Her dad wasn't home to help, he had gone out to talk with a friend or something, and he wouldn't be back for a while. She hasn't even made up with Taejoon yet and she had to handle this on her own.
What was there to even make up about? Really he hadn't done anything wrong. She had gotten it out of her dad, after coming home to a clean house, that Taejoon had stopped over while she was out with Renee. He knew her so well he knew when she would leave and when he needed to be gone by in order to give her space. Alexander had let it slip that Tae wasn't mad at her, he thought he had done something wrong so he was giving her space. He also mentioned something about Tae being uncomfortable because of a shared acquaintance, but he didn't say much else.
She wished that she would have just apologized to him when her dad told her to. Her insides twisted at the thought though. She hasn't been really to talk and let it go another week thinking nothing of it.
When she came back, light blue towel in hand, he wasn't by the door, like she half expected him to be, he was in the kitchen. His shaky hands grabbing for the small sink of dishes she had yet to do.
"What are you doing?" She asked, trying to sound innocent.
"You aren't supposed to be here right now. Why aren't you with Renee?" Was his answer.
That statement shook her to the core of her being. He had waited at the front door, thinking that she was gone. She didn't care if he was soaking wet or if he would flinch under her touch, she hugged him as hard as she could from behind.
"I've said it a million times Tae. We're pretty much family. You don't have to wait for me to leave to come over. Just come before you get hurt." She swallowed. "Sometimes I'm stupid and I mess up, but that doesn't mean you can't come home."
"You're not stupid." Taejoon said. "Don't say that about yourself."
She shook her head into his wet back. "No! I was never mad at you. I was worried. I should have told you I was worried because I thought… I dont know what I thought. You left the party and you weren't here. Well you were but my papa didn't tell me that until way later."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I just want to know you're okay."
"Of course." He said gently, finally taking his hands out of the sink, seeing she wasn't going to let him clean any time soon. "I just… I couldn't really do the party. But I know how excited you were. I thought maybe you wouldn't notice if I left."
"At first." Natalie said in a small voice. "I didn't notice at first. Renee pointed it out to me that we hadn't seen you in a while. And I was so mad at myself for not noticing. But I stupidly- yes stupidly don't fight me on this- thought you would come up to me. That you would make the first move. But I know, I know that you wouldn't."
"It's okay." He said calmly.
"Is it?" She sniffles. "Are we okay? I feel like we don't talk anymore. Not like we used to at least."
"We're fine Nat. I understand, you understand. We got this."
If it's fine why aren't you turning around? Why won't you face me?
She couldn't ask him that.
"Sometimes families make mistakes too." Taejoon offered after a second when she refused to detach herself from his back. "We'll be fine."
"You might be." She finally let go. "But if my dad comes home and sees you like this, he might kill me. Soaking wet and trying to do the dishes. Go take a shower and we'll patch you up so he doesn't get too upset, okay?"
"Okay." His voice was calm. Too calm, like he was trying to take whatever he was feeling because everything was too much.
Natalie wanted to murder his dad. She didn't even know the man's name but she wanted him to suffer too. But she knew better than to ask what happened. Taejoon would lie, he always lied when it came to his dad.
Families make mistakes. It rang through her head like a giant warning bell. But there was nothing she could do. Tae was an adult.
.
Alexander knocked on the guestroom door. Tae could tell it was Alex because he gave three swift knocks that echoed against the wood. Natalie would normally give a flurry of small, soft knocks, that reminded Taejoon that she was just a small hurricane of a woman.
"Tae." Alex called softly opening the door. He knew the older man didn't want the blonde to hear.
"Mr. Nox."
"Natalie is half asleep on the couch. Don't worry about blowing our cover." Alex moved in closer until he could easily brush Taejoon's bangs back from his forehead. "I'm sorry I wasn't home."
Tae shook his head. Alexander should always have to be home for him in case anything happened. Besides, what happened with his father was an accident. And he wasn't hurt that badly.
"Natalie and I made up. I think she cried."
"It's about time." The older man sighed. "She wasn't supposed to talk to you last week about what happened."
"I always could have manned up and spoke to her first." He said, remembering his best friend's words. "I should have talked to her. None of this would have happened if I had just told her."
"You aren't to blame." Alexander shushed him, letting the bed break beneath his weight. "It was just unfortunate, but you guys are okay now."
"Yeah." Tae nodded lightly.
"I'm going to go tell her you're okay, and have her go to sleep. Should I come back?"
Tae almost laughed. "You're really going that extra mile with the boyfriend thing."
"I can't do a lot." Alex said, his dark eyes lingering in Tae's swollen eye. It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. "I can't beat the fuck out of your dad. I can't defend you while you're at school. I can't do anything that someone your age would do for their boyfriend. But I can be here for you."
"I don't need someone to fight for me. Being here is enough." Tae said. He meant it, he didn't want to burden others. He didn't want someone who would fight for his honor, as if he had any. "I didn't start liking you because I thought you would kill anyone who hurt me. You were gentle and kind."
"I'm not always like that." Alexander reminded him. "I just know to mind my temper."
"Being an adult me and having adult consequences." Taejoon said, turning away from Alexander, onto his side that faced the wall. "I know. Which is why we aren't going to do anything."
Alexander crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the door. He wanted Taejoon to face him, to know how worried he was. "You're far more grown up that I was at your age."
"Daddy, please." Alex could see the way that the younger man's shoulders shook. "Don't praise me tonight. You'll make me needy and I can't do anything at the moment."
"I know baby. For tonight, just rest."